Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Daily life

5:14 AM, EST:

The previous Journal entry where I was writing to my darling Aileen and about her was done with my hands.  That proved to be a bad idea.  Because my hands ended up having a good bit more pain.  So like it or not, my hands are getting to the point were doing almost any typing is just going to be probably not good.  So, I probably will upgrade my Dragon NaturallySpeaking to the newer version of the version I have, which is Dragon NaturallySpeaking preferred, 11.5.  To upgrade is going to cost me about $100.  And depending on how much some of the equipment that I have to purchase in April is going to cost.  That of course will determine whether or not I can upgrade to Dragon NaturallySpeaking preferred 12.5.  But at this point I think it may be possible.

In any event, whether I like it or not, my hands are becoming an issue at least around the keyboard and the mouse.  Which is okay.  I was joking with a friend last night, one of my neighbors, that getting old is really not a lot of fun.  And if anyone says that getting old is fun.  They are probably either not paying attention or they are not old.  And the way that the elderly are treated in the United States as compared with other countries literally speaks volumes about how the American culture really doesn't understand the elderly.  But of course people in my age group who are considered the elderly in the sphere in the neighborhood where I live and I might also say to a great extent throughout the United States, are not making the best choices of how to deal with their advancing age.

As I've said before in my neighborhood, there are so many different types of drug addicts and alcoholics that is pretty much ridiculous.  I call it, giving up.  And I see it all the time.  Older people who are settling for less or who have given up on themselves to the point where they have become addicted to one thing or another.  Where they are not trying hardly anymore.  And it's not just senior citizens or the elderly, in my neighborhood, who have basically given up.

My neighborhood is full of people of all ages who have basically given up and who are ruining their lives with one form of drug addiction or another.  Who are ruining their lives with alcohol.  You can't watch someone suffer with alcoholism without becoming affected.  And my darling Aileen didn't battle alcoholism.  She was an alcoholic, but she did not battle alcoholism.  And the reason she didn't was because her drinking wasn't really because she needed to drink, physically.  Her alcoholism was because emotionally.  She had become so tortured and was suffering so much that alcoholism became a way of numbing her pain.

And I know just from my own life experience that Aileen was not really such a very singular type of personal expression.  There are literally millions, if not tens of millions of amazingly good people throughout this world who are using alcohol or one drug or another to numb their pain.  And unless you are really cruel in your heart, when you see someone suffering like that.  Your heart will go out to them.  You end up feeling bad for them.  Because you know they are suffering.  And you know there is nothing you can do.

So I was and still am, tremendously affected by watching my darling Aileen suffer for those 18 years.  Battling the inner demons she had as a result of losing all three of her children, being brutally raped three different times.  And of course surviving her first husband, who tried to murder her.  And as I said, she never talked about the emotional dynamics of what she was going through, until one week before we transferred her to Malachi house here in Cleveland, where she died.  And then she did not talk about the emotional dynamics consciously.  It was one single night.  One week before she went over to Malachi house, that during the evening, while she was in her sleep, she began talking.  She was laughing and she was crying and she was talking.  So for six hours I said by her bedside with my cell phone and I transcribed every single word she said.  It's all part of the medical record that I For her that is here on, and is part of, my Journal.

For anyone to laugh at me what to laugh at Aileen would be the height of insult.  We were not wealthy people and we were not people who were well-known, nor did we like notoriety.  So there weren't any news stories done about Aileen.  Perhaps that's because mostly no one cared.  Maybe it was because we weren't important enough.  And that's okay.  But in my heart and in my mind and my soul she still has value before God.  And I don't care what anyone says.  She was a gift to this world from God.  So I know that there is no one who is reading this Journal who would be able to have sat there like I did for those six hours, and not, be affected.  And you can read exactly what she said in the medical record.

So I became tremendously affected by her battle with alcoholism or more aptly, her battle with your inner demons.  My heart was breaking.  My heart was being ripped out of me.  And yet I couldn't show any emotion.  Because I had to be strong.  I had to get her there.  I had to make sure that in whatever time she had left she at least could have the dignity to meet.  Best.  To meet her death with the dignity that any life deserves.

There is no dignity in death.  Because when you are dead.  The entire concept of dignity no longer exists.  But there is dignity in the approach to death.  So even know doing all I tried to do for Aileen has put me in a position where the government is going to take my home away from me when I die because the government wants its pound of flesh for the kindness that the government showed her while she was dying.  As far as I'm concerned, that's fine.  If the government wants to be a pawn broker and to demand the pound of flesh from the 19 die so that it can get its money back because the government is so stingy and so hateful that as soon as I die.  They are going to take my home away from the for the care they gave my wife.  When so many others get that kind of care for free.  If that's the best that the government can do to show its hatred for Aileen.  And for me and our life.  That's okay.  But it is also one of the reasons I will never go to a doctor for the rest of my life.  I will never see a doctor ever again other than my psychiatrist.  I will never allow a doctor to do anything for me if I become ill in any way.  I will never accept any medical care for anything for the rest of my life.  Because that is what the government did to me.  Within one month after my wife died the government came to me and told me that the care that had been told to us was being given for free was not in fact free.  And that in fact the amount of care that was given came to approximately $40,000.  And the government wanted its pound of flesh.  The government wanted me to pay that money back.  And since I didn't have $40,000 the government then was preparing to tell me to get out of my home to go somewhere and die because I couldn't give them their pound of flesh.

And only because I am legally married to Aileen and because I am legally on the deed of this house the government was not able to take my home from me and throw me into the street which is what the government wanted to do because the government hates me because I'm not white and Christian.

And so on the account of the government has so much hatred for me.  And on the account that this country hates me so much.  And on the account that my family hates me and that there are so many people in this country you hate me more than anything.  I understand that the government is waiting like a jackal for me to get sick.  So they can take my home from me and throw me into the street because the government hates me.  I know that.  I know the people who hate me in this country.  I know that I am hate it more than most of the people in this country.  I know I am a pariah.  And for that reason I will never, to my dying breath ever allow anyone from the medical community to treat me for any medical condition at all.  No matter what it is.  I will do it myself.  And you can bet your bottom dollar I know exactly how to.

That's what I learned from watching Aileen die.  At the government hates me.  The government hated my darling Aileen.  The government hated us.  Because when Aileen died.  The government did everything it could licking its chops like some hungry wolf that wanted my home and wanted to throw me into the street because the government hates me.  My own government.  The United States hates me and hated my wife.  They cater because they did everything they could to steal from her and to make her die on the floor.  The government didn't even want to help me give her a hospital bed to die in because she was not white and Christian.

So I have no illusions about the government of these United States.  I have no illusions about how the people in this country me.  I have no illusions about how most of the people in the city of Cleveland hate me so badly they would love to kill me on site.  I understand that real clearly.  Which is why I live exactly where I do.  Because in this part of town people only know me as a friend.  If I go back to the other part of town where I grew up I would be treated with the greatest degree of hatred.  You could ever imagine.  Because that's what the government of the United States and the government of Cleveland has for me.  Hatred.  And all their hatred has gotten them is that I will never under any circumstances no matter what the condition, I will never seek medical attention for anything that happens to me.  And that's one of the reasons I live my life.  So extremely carefully.  Because I am not going to allow anything to happen to me that I can't take care of myself.  Because I can't trust the medical community.  I can't trust my own government.  My own government lie to me about the care that my wife was being given.  The government lied to me.  The government told me that care was being given for free.  And then they lied.  And I still have the legal papers proving what I'm saying.  They lied.  And they knew they were lying because all they saw when my wife was dying was not someone who was dying.  They just saw way of throwing me into the street because the government hates me so much.  I get that.

So of I developed some terminal illness.  You can bet your bottom dollar I will never allow anyone from the medical community to come anywhere year me.  Because I will never allow them to take my home away from a while I am still alive.  And yet I know that within 5 min. after I die within 5 min. before my body is even cold in the ground.  The government will come in and take this home and they will take everything I have and they will destroy that rosebush that Aileen planted they will destroy it because they hate me the government hates me.  There isn't one person in the United States government who gives a damn about me.  Not one single person every single person in the United States government hates me so badly they wish they could kill me.  I know that.  And it's all because of my father and my grandfather like it was my fault that I was adopted into that family.

So, I have no illusions about government ladies and gentlemen.  I know how badly I am hated by my own country.  I know how badly I am hated by the government of these United States and the government of Ohio and the government of the city of Cleveland I know that I hate more than anything in the world I know that they would love to kill me on site if they could.  I understand that very clearly.  Which is why I am very careful wherever I go.  When I leave this home.  I only go certain places.  And I never go anywhere else.  Because I know how badly I am hated all because I was adopted into the Maschke family like it was my fault for being bought by that family.  But that's not the case.  I was an orphan for 10 days.  I had no control over who was going to purchase me.  Who was going to buy a me.  That's exactly what happened as the records that are in my biographical profile listed at the top of this Journal page, clearly show.  I was purchased.  I was bought.

So it is not my fault that I ended up being part of the Maschke family.  Even know the government of the United States and the state of all I'll and the city of Cleveland has nothing but hatred for me because I came from the Maschke family.  And they showed that hatred for me all the time.  My darling Aileen was alive.  And we were married.  They showed that hatred for me while she was dying by attempting to deny her a hospital bed to die in here in her own home.  They wanted her to die on the floor.

So my darling wife didn't get any news stories.  She didn't get anyone coming to the house and showing any real concern other than the hospice team and her brother and sister.  The Maschke family didn't even give it damn about my wife unless I was prepared to give them their pound of flesh.  That's what it came down to.  The Maschke family would show kindness to my dying wife.  If I paid the Maschke family their pound of flesh.  And they didn't want their pound of flesh in terms of money they wanted their pound of flesh in terms of allegiance.  And I'm not going to do that.  I walked away from that kind of despicable money trading Maschke family engages in.  I walked away from it.  When I saw how ugly my mother and father were becoming how evil they were how money and power meant more to them than human life.  They were typical Republicans.  They were relieved very well thought of by the Republican Party.  Because the Republican Party love my mother and father.  Because my mother and father gave the Republican Party lots of money.  And my mother and father were very much like the Republican Party.  Selfish, mean and hateful not being concerned with human life, but always being concerned with money and power.

No problem.  So I have no illusions about how my own family makes me so badly they would like to kill me on site.  I know that's what's going on inside of their hearts.  I know my own government.  These United States hates me so badly that they are hoping I die as soon as possible because they want to take this home from me.  And I know they are really upset and angry because I'm so healthy because I keep going because they want me to die because they want.  This home.  Because they don't like me they just want me to die.  They want this home.  That's all they want and they don't care how they get it they just want me to die.

So I plan on living a really long time.  That's why I'm very careful about what IE it's why I am very careful about what I do.  I'm using everything I ever learned in my entire life to be as healthy as I possibly can.  And to do so at a time when most of my contemporaries are getting sick by the dozens from all sorts of the kinds of crap they are putting into their bodies.  Crappy medicine crappy food.  And then they wonder why they are getting sick.  Drinking themselves to death.  I'm not going to do that.  I saw what happened when my darling Aileen was dying and how the government hated her how they hated her because she was married to me.  Because the government hates me because of my mother and father, because I am a Maschke.  They hate me.  They hate me because of my grandfather they hate me because of my father thinking.  I have all sorts of ties to either of them.  When I never did have any ties to any of them.

That doesn't mean I don't love my father.  It doesn't mean I don't love my mother, because it is mean is they were to me and is much is the government hates me because I am a Maschke I still love my grandfather I still love my grandmother and my father and mother.  Even now I never personally knew my grandfather I knew his brother.  So while the government hates me more than anything it wants me to die as soon as possible my message to the government is used to disappointment.  Because I plan on living a really long time.  If you want this house.  You'll have to come and murder me because I'm not going to end up becoming sick and old.  Like most of the people who are my age because I don't eat a lot of the crap that other people eat and I don't put any of that crap that people put into their bodies into my body.  And I will never allow anyone from the medical community to touch me.  No one from the medical community will ever touch me again.  I will never trust the medical community as long as I live other than to go to my psychiatrist.  And then I will not take any of their medications because I don't trust anyone from the medical community anymore because they all lied.  They lied to me.  They lie to my wife and they conspired with the government to take my home.  So they don't get my trust anymore.  Because the government hates me.  I understand that.  The Republican Party hates me.  I understand that.  Most of the white Christian and white Catholic extremists in this country hate me so badly they would do anything they like to murder me they want me that they may I do.  I understand that which is why I dare anyone to come to my home with a gun and kill me.  Which is why my home has cameras going and every single direction possible so that I watch every single movement anywhere near my home.  I have to.  Because the government of these United States and the state of Ohio in the city of Cleveland and the Republican Party and the Maschke family and a whole long list of other people hate me so badly they would love the opportunity to come here and murder me.  They want me dead.  That's why when my wife was dying.  No one did a news stories.  Because nobody gave a damn.  Nobody cared that my wife was dying.  They didn't give a damn whatsoever.  We weren't important enough.  We weren't good enough in the eyes of the government either for the city of Cleveland or the state of Ohio or the United States to deserve any kind.  This whatsoever.  We were only good enough to be lied to and to be cheated and that's exactly what the government of the United States and the state of Ohio the city of Cleveland did to my wife.  And to me.  They cheated us.  And they lied to us.  They told us that there was being given for free.  That is what they told my wife that is what they told me.  And then they lied.  And like I said I have the legal papers to prove that.

That's how I became affected by watching my darling wife die.  That's one of the things that happened to me.  So that when I go out and I'm walking on the street.  There is no gesture that is too small.  There is nothing that is too small for me to do for anyone else that I might meet out on the street.  Because I know how I am being screwed by my own government.  How they make me so badly they wish I would die.  And I don't ever want anyone else that I might need to ever have to experience that kind of hatred that I have to live with every single day just because I was sold to the Maschke family.

And to this very day the Maschke family won't even call me a member of the family.  The Maschke family looks on me is nothing but a dirty bastard Jew.  They don't even believe that I have any value at all.  And the Maschke family doesn't even like me calling myself on Maschke even though I was adopted into the family.  Because in their minds.  I'm not part of the bloodline.  So I'm just another piece of crap on the pavement.  And that's exactly how the Maschke family treats me.  Thank you very much.  I was born out of my mother's womb as she was dying.  So I came into this world with no one and that's exactly how I will go out.  There won't be anyone by my side because nobody comes to my door unless they want something.  Nobody comes here to visit.  Nobody comes here to say hello.  Nobody comes here to check on me.  Nobody comes here to simply say hi.  The only time people come to my door is when they want something.  The only time anyone calls me is when they want something.  Nobody calls to check on me.  Nobody cares.  And so when I'm out walking.  I don't ever want anyone to be treated the way I am being treated.  So I do everything I possibly can to make sure that nobody I want by is ever treated the way I have been or and being treated in my life.

Just because the Maschke family and United States government and the government for Ohio in the city of Cleveland hate me is much as they do doesn't mean I'm going to hate anyone else or hate anyone at all.  Because that won't happen.  And in that the government of the United States and the state of Ohio.  The city of Cleveland have failed.  They have demonstrated all this hatred for me and for my wife.  Hoping that I would end up hating them back.  But I have not.  Because I don't hate anyone or anything.  And there isn't anyone in this world who is big enough or tough enough or strong enough to make me hate anyone.  There is nothing anyone can do that will make me hate any living human soul or any aspect of life.  The only thing I hate, are the choices we have made as human beings with how we have managed ourselves with how we treat each other.  The behavior.  The choices.

So the Maschke family has all their hatred for me.  And I don't have any hatred for the Maschke family.  Not one single bit.  But I understand their hatred.  I've had a directed at me all my life.  So I'm very careful where I walk of these days.  I'm very careful where I go.  I have to be.  That's why when I'm out, I never listen to music on my android phone.  Because when I'm out walking.  I have to listen to every single sound.  Because I have to always look over my shoulder.  The government of these United States and the state of Ohio in the city of Cleveland and my own family.  The Maschke family want me dead.  So badly that they will do anything they possibly can to kill me and they aren't the only ones.  The right-wing Christian extremists hate me because I speak out for the freedom and dignity of humankind which is something that the right-wing Christian extremists don't believe in.  The Republican Party doesn't believe in the dignity of humankind neither does the tea party, neither does the Maschke family.  Because when my wife lay dying, none of them offered any help.  They didn't do a damn thing.  They didn't care.  I didn't mean anything to them because they hated me because I was on Maschke and because I am a Jew.

So I live where I do and I don't call anyone unless it's for business.  I don't make any phone calls from my home except to a couple of my neighbors.  Because I don't have anyone I can call.  Because there is no one.  I don't have a family anymore.  I am a Maschke.  That is by law.  I was but by the Maschke family in 1950.  And that the Maschke family doesn't like that they need to come forward and tell me to get out to get out of their family.  But they haven't done that.  Because I keep speaking out and defending grandfather and grandmother.  So right now I'm convenient for the Maschke family.  Even though they hate me.

It's okay.  That's why I can't trust anyone from the section of town that I grew up in here in Cleveland.  I can't trust a single soul.  When anyone calls me from that part of town.  I know that they are not calling me because they want to they are calling me because they want something from me.  And it's probably because either the Maschke family told them to do so or someone in the government told them to do so.  Because the government of these United States and the state of Ohio the city of Cleveland have nothing but hatred for me.  Just like my own family.

And so like I said, I know how to keep myself healthy.  I learned one heck of a lot in my life.  And I didn't learned only from white Americans.  I learned a lot from the Native Americans.  I learned more than most people even realize.  I learned a lot from Buddhists and from people in the Far East.  I learned a lot from my black American friends and my fellow Americans.  I learned a lot from every single culture in this country and for most of the cultures in this world.  I learned how to keep myself healthy.  I learned how to deal with almost any situation that might come up.  So I am healthier than most people.  Because I am extremely careful about what I put into my body.  And I don't put anything in there that is going to cause me to need any kind of medical attention.  It doesn't happen and it will not happen.  And I will defend this home.  I will defend my darling Aileen and I will defend this home to my dying breath.  And then 5 min. after I'm dead the state will come in and they will destroy my darling Aileen's rosebush.  They will tear it down they will take this home and give it to someone else who in their minds is a better American.  Because I'm nothing but a dirty bastards you.  That's how the government looks at me.  That's how the Ohio government looks at me.  That's how the city of Cleveland looks at me and that's how my family looks at me.  I am a dirty bastard Jew.

And only God.  If there is such a word for what is beyond this world.  Only God and my darling Aileen really love me.  They're the only ones who communicate with me all the time.  People read my Journal all the time.  But nobody writes back.  People read my Journal because it's fun or because it's inspirational or for a host of other reasons and a lot of people read my Journal because they hate.  They are always trying to get something on me.  Because they hate me so much.  I understand that.

Just like I understand very well that under most circumstances it can take me almost 40 seconds just to stand up.  They can sometimes take me a full minute just to be able to stand up.  Because my heads are having a lot of problems as a result of being fused to my spine.  But once I am standing up.  I have all the strength I need to get done, whatever I have to get done.

So of the government of these United States and the state of Ohio in the city of Cleveland want to hate because I am a Maschke that's up to them.  It's not my fault.  I had just been born.  My mother had died.  It wasn't my fault that I was sold to the Maschke family.  Although the government of these United States and the state of Ohio in the city of Cleveland have made it my fault or tried to make me feel like it was my fault.  Just like my own family has tried to blame me for being a Maschke when it wasn't my fault.  The Maschke family is the one who bought me.  I didn't contact anyone when I had just been born.  I didn't even have a name.

So it's okay.  If that's the best that the United States government and the Ohio government and the city of Cleveland's government can do is to hate me is much as they do hate me.  That's up to them.  If they want to live with that kind of hatred that is their choice.  But don't expect me to invite that kind of ugliness into my home.  Because I will not.  My home does not have hatred within these walls are on this property.  There is no hatred.  And any hatred that is directed at this home or at me or my wife is deflected.  Is actually sent back to its origin at threefold.  Meaning any negative energy that anyone sends at this home or at me are my darling Aileen is returned to where it came from at three times.  It's force or strength.  And that's not what I have done it is what God has done.  God knows that my darling Aileen deserve to be treated better than she was without having to bargain and argue her way just to be able to get the kind of care that others were getting.  God knows that I had to do everything I possibly could just to try and give my darling Aileen that dignity that she deserved before she died.

So I'm just as loving and as kind.  Now, as I have always been throughout my entire life.  Anyone who has known me at southern Arizona school in Tucson Arizona.  And at Fort Lewis college in Durango Colorado, and even at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio.  Everyone who has ever known me knows that this is true.  That I have always been or tried to be as kind as I possibly could to every single person I ever met.  Most people have never really understood why.  It's because my mother and father were not.  Kind.  They only did any kind of kindness they did when they got something back for doing so.

And that's not how I operate.  That's not how I think that is not how I behave.  That is not how I have lived or how I live now.  Everyone in the area where I live knows that no matter what they need if they are in trouble.  All they have to do is knock on my door.  Everyone knows that.  And everyone knows that if they your someone whistling when they are out doing something walking around in the neighborhood.  If they your someone whistling it's usually me.  And when they hear someone whistling they know they have a friend nearby.  Because that is what I have always been in my life and it is what I will be to my death.

So unfortunately, my hands are having issues around the keyboard.  But my hands still have a lot of strengths to do everything else.  And so do I.  I will never go quietly into the forest and die.  That won't happen.  And I will never agree to anyone when I'm out without showing them unconditional love and respect.  Because that's the one thing I never got from the Maschke family was unconditional love and respect.  The only one in the Maschke family well.  There were two in the Maschke family who showed me that kind of love and respect.  It was my father's sister, my aunt Helen.  And my grandmother.  They were the only two women in the Maschke family who showed me any real genuine love unconditional love and respect.  The only two women in my life who never lied to me.  Besides my darling Aileen.  And for that I will defend their honor.  Like I defend the honor of my birth mother.  Like I defend my darling Aileen.  And like I defend this home.

So the Maschke family and the government of the United States and the state of Ohio in the city of Cleveland hate me so much why don't they just come to my home and do something about it.  My cameras are rolling.  And if someone comes to my home to do something that to me before they even get to my front door their image will be all over the world and everyone in the world will see them doing what they are coming to my home to do.  So even if they kill me they will be seen for the murderers.  They are.  From the very grave and from the breath of God I will reach back and I will make sure that everyone in the world sees them for the killers they are when they come to my home to kill me.  So nobody comes to my home.  Not unless they need something.  Because I am truly that hated.  Because the world considers me nothing but dirty bastard Jew.  I understand that.  Like it was my fault that I became a hunchback when I was 17 like it was my fault that I developed throat cancer in 1969 like it was my fault that I tried to be kind to other people like it was my fault that I ended up being a Maschke like I had some aspect in having everything turned out all that way.  Like I was the one in control that is not true.  I had just been born.  I didn't even have a name.  It was not my fault that I ended up being a Maschke.  But I have been hated for being one all my life.

No problem.  These days when someone tells me they hate me.  My answer is always the same.  Go stand in line.  Just go to the back of the line.  Out get to your hatred.  When I can't get to it.  There are so many others before you who hate me so much you'll just have to go to the end of the line.  So I have no illusions about how I will die.  There will be no one nearby.  There will be no one watching over me when I get old and I.  All that the state of Ohio and the government of these United States wants is for me to get old enough so that they can just take my home from me.  Which is why like I said, I'm very careful about what I put into my body what I put on my body.  I'm very careful about where I go what I eat and how I keep myself healthy.  Which is why I will never allow anyone from the medical community to come near me under any circumstances other than my psychiatrist.  Never.  Because I know if I let the medical community come anywhere near me that the government will do everything in its power to make sure that I die because the government wants this home.  They wanted take my home away from me because they hate me that much.  I understand that.  And my understanding gives me strength.  Because it makes me smart.  Because it makes me always on guard.  So that I'd never call anyone and so that every single phone call that comes in and out of my home is recorded.  So that every movement of anything that moves on my property is photographed not only here in my home, but elsewhere as well.  So that no matter what happens, there will be a record and no one will be able to do anything to me or this house without it being recorded.  And if what they are doing is not good or right, or proper.  Within seconds everything they are doing will be seen all over the world.  Because that's one of the things I learned how to do in my life.  Was all of the technical things necessary to make sure that I can secure this home in such a way so that it anything happens anywhere near this house.  This house and my darling Aileen and I will be protected.

So as I have said.  The way the United States treats the elderly and away the United States treats the mentally ill and the disabled is disgusting.  The United States has no respect for someone who commits suicide.  They don't have any compassion for anyone who is suicidal.  Just like the United States doesn't give a damn about people who are disabled, unless they are white and Christian.  They don't give a damn about anyone unless they meet certain standards unless they are willing to bow down and you worship the government is that the government word.  God.  But I'm not going to do that.  Because the government is not God.  God is God.  The government is the government.

And people will be very amazed at how long I live and how healthy I am because that's what I learned in my life.  I learned how to be healthy I learned how to take care of myself because I had to.  I could only count on the Maschke family for certain things.  And for that there was always that pound of flesh that the Maschke family wanted in return.  So now I don't ask anything from anyone.  I expect nothing from anyone.  I am grateful to anyone and to the government for anything I get.  But I never ask for anything.  I am grateful beyond anything I could put into words for the kindness that the American people in one way or or another are showing me by allowing me to have my disability payments or my Social Security so that I can at least survive.  But you can bet your bottom dollar that I don't care if I die.  I don't care if I died tomorrow or next week or next month.  But the government isn't going to decide when I die.  And neither is any doctor.  God is the one who sent me back when I died in 1968.  And so God is the one that will go ahead and decide when I go home, not the government and not any doctor and not the Maschke family.

And of course all of the foregoing makes it very difficult for people to feel close to me or to even get close to me.  But that's not my problem.  It's their problem.  Because they want to get close to me.  All they have to do is be honest.  That's all they have to do.  Because that's the one rule I live by.  If you can't be honest don't come around.  And that doesn't mean I don't help people on the street who are dishonest because I help everyone.  I walk by in any way I possibly can.  No matter what.  And I don't do it on the basis that the federal government does things are on the basis that white Christian extremists.  Do things.  And I don't do it on the basis that the Maschke family does things.  I do it because it makes sense.  Because every single person I walk by was created by God or that energy beyond this world.  So while our government and while people all through this world might diminish someone's value I never do.  Because I see the mirror: everybody's faces.  I walk by them.  A lot of people say that I'm remarkable because of what I have and what I do and when they say that I always tell them the same thing.  You are the miracle you are the light in this world.  I'm just an observer.

So as I promised God and as I promised my darling Aileen.  And as I have promised all of you who read this Journal.  I will get it done.  I will finish it.  One way or the other.  I will finish it.  I will live longer than most people think it's possible.  I will get more done than most people think is possible.  Not because I'm better than anyone.  But because I'm simply someone who knows how to get through.  I have learned a lot in my life and I didn't learn the things that I learned in order to make money or to become famous or to get degrees.  I learned the things in my life.  So that I would be able to survive no matter what.  Because I knew when I was younger that the hatred that was being directed at me by my own family and by so many would never stop.  I knew that.  So I know how I am hated in this world.  I understand that very clearly.  I have no illusions.

And I learned a lot from having the honor to be allowed to love my darling Aileen is much as I love her.  I learned a lot from watching her die.  So I do what is necessary.  I do what is needed to be done.  And I always get what is needed to be done completed.  No matter what.  If I have to stumble and gasp for air.  I still get done what is needed to be done.  No matter what.  If I have to crawl on my belly I still get everything done.  Because I'm not afraid to crawl on my belly in order to get something done.  I've done that so many times in my life that it would be ridiculous to try to list out all the times I've had to do that at one time or another.  But that's part of what I've learned in my life.  How to survive.

So as my age slowly advances my hands are becoming less functional around the keyboard and the mouse.  But I knew that was the case.  Which is why I have used Dragon NaturallySpeaking for so many years.  Because I knew things were going to get to where they are right now and I knew I was going to have to have everything sorted out.  Which I do.

That's why I always say.  Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil.  Because I am the one who will survive.  I'm not the best.  I'm not the strongest.  I'm not the smartest.  I'm not the toughest.  I'm just someone who knows how to get through.

That being said.  I'm going to have something to eat and then I'm going to meditate for a few hours.  And then this afternoon as I said, my neighbors who are both disabled.  Well, one is extremely disabled and the other is slightly disabled.  So I'm going to be going to the store for them this afternoon so that I can get some some food with their own money.  Because this one store actually is a lot cheaper than where they are normally able to go or get to.  And that will help them to do better for the month.  And then when the weather is warmer one of them will walk with me and they will be able to do it for themselves.  When the weather is warmer.  But for now I will do it for them.  Because that's what I do.  Simply because it makes sense to do so.  That so.  It just makes sense.

So hate me if you want don't think anything fantastic about me.  I know I am nothing to this world.  I never have been anything to this world.  I'm just a peculiarity.  That's all.  I'm just something different.  Nothing better.  Nothing worse.  Just something different.

I'm still in the process of balancing my chemistry.  So I'm going to eat and then I'm going to meditate.  And then because going to the store for my neighbors takes about three hours.  I may not be able to do any real writing today.  It's just the way things are at the beginning of the month.  There's always a lot to do.  And generally no time to do it.  So if I do any writing as far as human rights efforts this weekend.  It will probably be tomorrow.  I'm sorry for that.  But things have to get done.  There are things that just have to get done.  And I'm not one of those types of people who when I see someone suffering simply walks by.  I'm not like that.  So I will do everything I can to help anyone.  I see in trouble.  The matter who they are.  That's why I carry the kind of backpack that I do when I'm out.  Because without any groceries in my backpack at all.  My backpack weighs about 20 pounds.  Because I always carry every single thing I need to survive no matter what happens when ever I leave this house.  Because I have to be prepared for anything.  So when I leave this house that backpack is on my back.  So that when I leave this house, no matter what happens I am prepared for anything that might happen.  Because I can't rely on anyone.  Like I said.  To this very day.  The Maschke family blames me for being a Maschke as if it was my choice.  But I had just been born.  I had no say in the matter.  Yet I have been blamed for it all of my life.

I don't want anyone who is reading this Journal to not think that I don't love them because I do.  Every single one of you.  Whether I know you are not.  Please understand how grateful I am and how honored I am that you feel that my writing is worthy of your attention.  That is one of the highest compliments that you can pay to a writer.  And I take that honor.  Extremely seriously.  Which is why when I'm doing a dictation like I am right now that I always look at it in my own heart and in my soul and my mind is if I am talking to you.  Like we're sitting somewhere and simply having a cup of coffee.  Because I love all of you that much.  And I am that grateful.

Anyhow my sugar level is dropping a little bit.  So I'm going to have something to eat and then I will meditate.  And then I will how my neighbors.  And then I will come home and try to rest.  It's not the cold outside that bothers me.  I'm used to the cold.  After living in Colorado.  I definitely got used to living in the cold.  It's the snow that is hard to walk in.  That's what stuff.  But I will get it done.  Just like I do everything else.  I will get it done.  Because it is the right thing to do and because it makes sense.

Thank you so very much for listening.

I'll write later.

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