Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Daily life

4:35 AM, EST:

I am feeling better than I did yesterday.  But I'm still not 100%.  From what I can recall I believe I had almost 20 nightmares during the evening when I was sleeping the night before last night.  And some of those nightmares as I have tried to explain were PTSD, posttraumatic stress disorder, nightmares.  I can't explain why they happened.  But they were severely troubling.  I was able to sleep fairly well last night.  But there are realities that I am dealing with.  After having lost my darling Aileen that are just making me have to take time to sort of regroup.

No one in their right mind goes out looking to end up having PTSD.  It just happens.  And no one, again in their right mind, goes out of their way, hoping that the one they love, the person the they have chosen to spend their entire life with will die.  But that's what happened.  And as a result, as I said, there are certain realities that I'm dealing with is that are just somewhat strenuous.

These realities are not the kind of thing that can be worked out, or worked through in an online journal.  The realities of my life have to be worked out within my own mind.  And that's what I'm trying to do.  The same time, the nightmares I had, which I can't really remember, were very unsettling.  They have left me being rather emotional.  I thought I had cried all the tears I had.  But I was wrong.

I have tried all of my life not to be a selfish person.  And yet when it comes to my darling Aileen.  I miss her so much that it's practically impossible for me to put how I'm feeling into words.  In so many ways I'm doing very well at surviving and making my way through all of this.  And yet at the same time.  I miss my darling Aileen's that I just can't put into words what I am experiencing.  I know the nightmares had something to do with all of this.  For some reason this morning.  I just can't stop crying.  And as I said I'm not a selfish person.  So when I get into this kind of mood I'm generally just want to stay to myself.

I will keep writing.  I'm just not going to do much writing for the next few days.  I just need time to regroup.  I'm sorry.  Maybe I should be stronger.  Maybe I should be the type of person that doesn't really care that she died.  But I'm not that kind of person.  I would've given anything I would've done anything.  If I would have been the one who could have died so that she could have lived.  Just like I would do anything I would give up anything if I could just hold her in my arms for even one single minute.  But that's not going to happen.  She's gone.  No matter what I might say or what I might do.  She died.

So I guess that means that I'm a failure again.  But I'm not doing as well as I should.  That I'm not doing as well as others might.  And I suppose there are people in the world who will call me stupid for being so sensitive or loving I mean as much as I do.  There will be others who will say I need to move on with my life.  And to them I say I can only do the best I can.

Like I said, for some reason this time of the calendar year, producing almost a watershed of emotion.  And this morning for some reason I just can't stop crying.  And for any of you who think that I'm behaving in a stupid way you have no idea of how stupid I actually see you the service.  I just can't stop crying.  And that's not usually call I go through my day.  It's just this morning waking up to reality of her not being in my life for the rest of my life is a sadness that is just too difficult for me to put into words.

My life is just one life out of 7 billion lives in this world.  And my life is certainly by no means significant.  I'm just one life out of all the different wonderful lives in this world.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not crying uncontrollably.  That's not the case.  But everywhere I look in this house, everything I see my darling Aileen there.  I wanted more than anything in the world to be able to grow old with her.  I wanted more than anything in the world the influence and looks up into her eyes.  In the last moments of my own life.  But that's not going to happen.  She's dead.  And without her in my life I have no one in my life.

And the only people who have physically approach me since Aileen has died have been people who have wanted something from me.  There is been no one is Aileen died who has approached me wanting to offer me their kindness for their support.  Every single person I have talked to on the phone or who has communicated with me in any way about Aileen dying, except for her and my very close friends.  Other than that, the only people who have approached me in any way or communicated with me in any way have wanted something from me.  And of Aileen's friends none of them communicates with me anymore at all.  So there is nobody in my life.  There is no one, leaving communicates with me in any way any kind of kindness or support for what I watched taking place.

And perhaps that's exactly the way it should be.

5:36 AM, EST:

I had to retrain my speech profile.  But in any event, I'm not the kind of person that likes to burden others with what I have to deal with or what I'm going through.  So for example with my neighbors, all of whom are disabled in one way or another, when we are talking on the phone.  I generally just make jokes and try to be as sensitive and is supportive to what they are going through as possible.  For all I know, what I'm going through right now may in fact be coming from a memory that is hidden behind that curtain, where I have hysterical amnesia.  I also know that I do have, to a certain degree, reactions to or am affected by, seasonal affective depression disorder, or SADD.  But I don't believe that's where all of this is coming from.

I will try to do a little bit of e-mail later today.  And I will try to keep moving forward.  I'm just going to have to go a little bit slower for the next few days as I attempt to emotionally regain my balance.

For those of you who do understand.  I am extremely grateful.  For those who do not.  I'm very sorry.

I will write later.

Thank you very much for listening.

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