Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Daily life

4:55 AM, EST:

So what was all of this activity and anxiety about browsers really all about.  Well, for one, I have not really slept very well for the last few nights.  Part of the reason has been because my arthritis has been causing a good bit of pain.  I suppose I could get into how I am being confronted more with the reality of all, I'm actually going to the dying pretty much alone.  And how that was the last thing I ever wanted to have happen.  Which doesn't even come close to blaming for talking about how deeply I love my darling Aileen L much I miss her.

And I would have to say that there is probably a certain amount of fear, on my part, of getting old alone.  The reality is the Internet Explorer 11, meaning IE 11.  This doesn't really work very well on my system.  When I loaded it on my system in an attempt to try and upgrade my browser Dragon NaturallySpeaking 11.5 would not even load on the system.  There was actually someone here who so all this happening.  So it's not just my opinion.  Additionally, IE 11 would not display any of the news feeds that IE 9 was able to display.  It would not go to any of the websites for any of the news feeds.  So, IE 11 is just not a very good choice for a browser for my system, for whatever reason.

In all likelihood I will probably go back to using Firefox today.  And I have preserved all of my preferences for Firefox.  So the change to move the incredibly easy.  Of the three major browsers, Google Chrome, Firefox, and Internet Explorer.  Firefox is the only browser that actually has a higher degree of compatibility with and synchronicity with Dragon NaturallySpeaking 11.5.  Mostly I am frustrated.  But the frustration is more because I realized that none of the petitions that I am signing and none of the human rights efforts that the world is making is really having any meaningful effect on the human rights problems in the world.  And that is a rather depressing realization.  Because back in 1969 and 1970 I was thinking exactly the same thing as I'm saying right now.  Then we, as human beings are not only the custodians of this planet.  But we are the custodians of our own species, by virtue of the fact that we are cognitive.  Do we are not just physical in the representation for the existence of our species.  Then we are in fact conceptual.  And as a result of our being conceptual we have this added duty and responsibility not only to the custodians to this planet in which we live or on which we live.  But we also have responsibility to be custodians of ourselves.  Of our species.  And we are not doing that when the number of human rights tragedies and violations are increasing at the rate that they are.

So that realization, coupled with missing my darling Aileen.  Then, in addition having the feelings I'm having about not really wanting to grow old alone.  Sometimes it's just a bit overwhelming.  Of course as I have thought about this over the last several hours.  I of course have come to the realization that my own family basically didn't want anything to do with me.  Because my own family considered the to the a burden as soon as they discovered that I was developing into a hunchback.  And ever since that happened in 1968 my own family meaning my mother and my father and my sister began to look at me as if I was nothing but a burden to the family.  Where my mother and my father asked adopting me was in my father's words, a bad investment.

So I'm not really going to have any family as I get older.  As things become more difficult for me to physically.  And I'm certainly not going to have Aileen's sister or brother.  Because they don't really care about me very much at all.  Any concern they might have is really based more on the fact that I'm married their sister than any kind of feelings they might have for me.  So they never even call me or come around very much.  So I will in the dying very much alone.  The last thing I ever wanted to have happen.

And at that point I either have to believe that my mother and my darling Aileen are present in my life and are waiting for.  And if I don't believe there then I will probably in the getting old and becoming extremely bitter.  And I don't want that.  So I am going to believe that my darling Aileen, and my mother are in fact we from that they are watching over.  Because there is no one in the Maschke family.  I can even talk to because none of them want to have anything to do with and part of the reason is because I don't support their love of money.  The Maschke family loves money in a love of power and control.  Because that's what the Maschke family was all about at least my portion of the family.  They were Republicans and my grandfather ran the Republican Party for all northern Ohio.  During the 1920s.  And the Republican Party has never been a very warm and sensitive group of people.  The Republican Party has always been a group of people who cared more about money and power than they ever did about human life.  That's the way it was when I was growing up.  And that's the way it is right now.  Nothing has changed.

The other part of all of the comes down to how signing these petitions is just signing one or two petitions.  It's now every day signing almost 100 petitions, most of which don't ever have any effect whatsoever.  And then in addition having to wade through almost 250 requests for contributions.  Because that's what human rights these days is all about.  It's about the money.  Almost every single petition.  I get asked for money.  Like monies.  The only thing that is going to help in the human rights efforts.  Like nobody wants to do anything without getting some kind of money in return.

And it was actually money and my father's racism been basically drove me away from the family.  I could not stand how racist my mother and father really work.  And I couldn't stand it because I was being treated to tremendous racism while I was in elementary school here in Cleveland, Ohio to the point where in 1962 the Jews and the Catholics tried to murder me.  Because they hated me.  They didn't hate me because I was a Maschke.  They hated me because my mother was a Catholic and my father was Jewish.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that was not the only incidents of racism.  I was treated to before I left Cleveland, Ohio.  And it was the racism in Cleveland, Ohio, along with the emotional and psychological abuse.  I was receiving from my parents.  In addition to the racism and their money and their alcoholism that literally drove me from the family.  I don't know how many of you can even relate.  But you can't imagine how I felt.  One night when I was having to drive my mother and father home from a party because they were both too drunk to take the wheel.  And on the way home a police officer stopped me because he didn't think I looked old enough to drive.  And then when he looked into the back seat and saw my parents.  He actually knew who they were and always said to me was that he was going to make sure I got home safely.  And then he said, as he looked into my eyes began to walk away.  He said, I am so very sorry.

I was just 17 when that happened.  And of course there were times when I was much younger when my mother actually had minor accidents around the house when she was driving home from somewhere.  Because of her drinking.  And then there were the repeated arguments between my mother and father while they were both drunk.

So all these dynamics were playing out.  I was being treated to tremendous racism in Cleveland.  Because I was coming from a mixed religious family.  I was actually beaten at school but one of the teachers.  Because I asked the question and the teacher didn't like me asking a question.  And I was actually beaten so bad by this teacher that my back was bleeding.  And the only thing that happened was that the teacher was required to say they were sorry.  That's all that happened.  I went home with my back bleeding with blood soaking through my shirt.  And the only thing that happened was that the teacher had to say they were sorry.  And that's because I just wasn't really worth that much to my own family.

So when I was 16 years old and I was at Culver summer navel school in Indiana.  And I had an occasion to meet with this headmaster from a boarding school in Tucson, Arizona I saw that interview is my chance to get out of Cleveland to get away from the racism, so I thought.  But also to get away from my parents.  To not have to deal with their alcoholism and their rather brutal psychological abuse.

So maybe it's my fault.  Maybe it's my fault that I'm not concerned with money.  Maybe it's my fault that I'm not a flaming racist.  Like so many people in the world.  Maybe it's my fault because I'm not an alcoholic or a drug at.  Maybe it's my fault because I was born a hunchback.  Maybe it's my fault that I was born a Jew.  Maybe it's my fault that I didn't want to be part of this money game that humanity place.  Maybe everything is my fault.  And if that's the case, no problem.  Because my grandmother, the wife of this really amazing politician in Cleveland and in Ohio and the country.  My grandmother never felt it was my fault.  Neither did my father's sister, my aunt Helen.  And neither did my darling Aileen.  Everyone else felt it was all my fault that everything that ever happened to the Maschke family was always my fault.

But it was not my fault.  I didn't ask to be adopted by the Maschke family were sold to the Maschke family.  I had just been born.  My mother had died.  I didn't even have a name.  So I had no part in any of the decision-making going on where I would end up.  And yet all my life people have always blamed me for just about anything they could.  But it's always my fault.  Well it's not my fault.  But try telling that to the Maschke family is like trying to talk to a wall.  So I don't try anymore.

And then there were of course for failed marriages.  And of course everyone in the Maschke family always blamed me like it was my fault that those marriages failed when in reality the four women who I was married to prior to my darling Aileen were far more interested in going after my parents and their money than they were in being married to me.  And yet it was my fault.  To this very day.  I just don't even understand how the Maschke family could say it was my fault one.  It was the women who I was married to the didn't give a damn about me.  Because all they saw in me was the way to get to my parents and their money.  Because that's all they wanted.  Which is why in 1992 when my darling Aileen began to write me e-mails where she was somewhat interested in getting to know me.  I did everything I could to push her away because I felt was just going to be another one who is going to want to go after my parents money and who wouldn't give a damn about me at all.  And of course I was wrong.  But it took Aileen a solid year to convince me.

And so Aileen actually fell in love with me through my writing.  Which of course makes me feel rather diminished when her own brother and sister have no interest whatsoever in even reading one single word I have ever written.  But at this point in my life.  I'm somewhat used to being treated that way.  I'm somewhat used to never being good enough for what other people want.  Because I was never good enough for my own parents.  I was never good enough for the Maschke family and I never will be good enough for the Maschke family because I never was good enough for the Maschke family.  Just like I'm not good enough for Aileen's sister or brother.  Just like I'm not good enough for most of the people in this world because the first thing they see is that my mother was out of wedlock.  When she gave birth to me.  So in a lot of people's minds nothing but a dirty Jew bastard.  And believe me I've heard that phrase used on me so many times in my life that I am basically immune to hearing it anymore.

So I suppose that as this fourth year after Aileen died starts to unfold that I am actually somewhat apprehensive about getting old alone and not having anyone there to help me.  And the only person leaving came forward to offering the kind of assistance did not come forward to offer assistance.  Because she was interested in me.  She came forward to offer assistance because she was in a bad relationship and she wanted to use me as an excuse for getting out of that relationship.  So maybe it's my fault because I didn't want to be a pawn in whatever kind of game she was playing.  Because it's always my fault.  That's how other people look at me and my life.  It's always my fault.  Everything that ever happened in the entire world is always my fault.  Everything that ever happened to them in their own lives is always my fault.  Everything that ever happened to the Maschke family is always my fault.

And if you think that I'm tired of always being accused of being the cause for problems that I'm not even associated with.  If you think I'm finally getting tired of always hearing that, then you are probably close to understanding some of what I feel.  But it's okay.  Because nothing I have ever experienced in my life.  However unsavory or unpleasant can come anywhere close to the level of suffering that millions and millions of amazing children and wonderful men and women throughout this world are doing with every minute.  I know that.  I spent 45 years trying to talk about that very thing.  And I have done so to the point where most people didn't want to have anything to do with me.  Because most people didn't really want to talk about how horribly people are being treated throughout the world and in this country.  Most people that I encountered in my life were much more concerned with money than they were with the suffering of children in this country or the suffering of children throughout the world.

So, with my hands having a bit more pain and becoming even more limited around the keyboard and the mouse that may have been previously and with my hips in my lower spine being more reactive and more painful.  I begin to lose patience with the computer community.  Because where most people can simply walk up to their computer and start typing or press a key, I can't do that.  Because of I use my mouse or my keyboard for any length of time.  I don't just have pain in my hands I have pain in and around my spinal fusion at the top of my spinal that is so bad I can barely see.  Because there were a lot of problems that took place when they did my operation.  And of course there are a lot of people who are saying it was all my fault.  That I caused everything to happen but I had some magic power and I was causing all these terrible things that happened because I was something special and had some kind of magical power.  Which of course is nothing but bullshit.  Because I don't have any magical power.  At least I don't in ways that most people will ever understand.

Because I didn't study tremendously various ways and forms of meditation and metaphysics.  But if anything my understanding of metaphysics and meditation has actually been helpful in my life by giving the ways of surviving against this constant bombardment of hatred because my adopted mother was Catholic and my adopted father was Jewish.  Like it was my fault.  Just like so many people today still feel.  That I'm nothing but a dirty halfbreed Jew.  That's how a lot of people regard me.  But I'm nothing but a dirty halfbreed Jew.

So when people talk about racism.  I happen to know a great deal about racism.  Because I have lived with it my entire life.  I've heard all the nasty comments I've heard all the ugly words.  And it has never stopped.  In 63 years it has never stopped.  So now I am in the older years of my life because I didn't lie into this money game that everyone plays I didn't end up being very famous I didn't end up making lots of money.  I didn't end up where everyone might of wanted me to end up.  I ended up exactly where I am.  And I haven't to have fallen in love with one of the most amazing ladies I ever met in my life.  So I don't have any regrets.  But it is lonely.  And sometimes it's even scary.  But as far as the Maschke family is concerned everything that ever happened to the Maschke family is all my fault.  So the Maschke family doesn't even want to have anything to do with me.  Because I don't put a lot of value on money.  Because I don't even like money.  Because I came from a family that had lots of money and what they did with that money was disgusting.  There was no other way.  There is no other way for me to explain what I saw taking place.  It was disgusting.  There is no other way to explain it.  The lust for money, that my mother and father had and how they used that money was disgusting.  They, of course, gave money to charity.  They did that all the time that's what everybody publicly saw.  What people didn't see were all the other ways that they used their money.  That's what was disgusting.  It was really disgusting.  And so the Maschke family feels that it is my fault because I just don't happen to agree with a lot of the Maschke family, whereby they think the money is really so important because I don't really think money is important, I think it is actually one of the worst things in the world that humans ever created.  Because all it has done is end up making ourselves hate each other so much that we now have political groups throughout the world who make lots and lots of money off of creating more bombs and creating more guns and creating more war.  The Republicans make a lot of money off of war.  Because a lot of Republicans invest in companies that create and make weapons and make more bombs.  Because Republicans like money and they love making money and they love having money and they love war because war is good business.  So a lot of Republicans invest in companies that make bombs and make guns and promote war because the Republicans love money.  And since money is such a good business Republicans promote war all the time and they will lie in order to do so they will use bribery in order to get what they want just like my mother and father.  The good Republicans.  My mother and father really work.  Just like the Republicans.  Use money to bribe and get anyone you want to get anyone to do what you want.  That was how my mother and father lived their lives as Republicans.  Using their money to get whatever they wanted.

And it hasn't changed at all these years.  Because the Republican Party and the tea party and their right wing Christian conservative extremist supporters love war.  They love bombs they love chilling they love guns and they love money.  And yet all those things are the very things I wanted to get the hell away from as I was growing up.

So I will die alone.  And I don't have any family anymore.  Because I'm not good enough for the Maschke family because I don't love money.  I don't make money more important than almost anything else.  And that's what the Maschke family does.  Money is everything.  Money and power is everything.  Because that's the Maschke family.  Money and power.  But that in my heart and in my mind and soul is not why my mother in 1950 knowing she was dying made sure that she got to the hospital so that she could give birth to be.  She didn't do it on the basis of money or power.  He did it on the basis of love.  And that's the one thing that I never really got a lot of from the Maschke family.  Because whenever they did anything nice for me there was always that pound of flesh that they wanted in return.

So sometimes sitting here day after day after day not being able to do hardly anything.  Because I can hardly move at all.  I sometimes get frustrated.  In addition to the other fears I might have.  I get frustrated.  Human rights is not anything that is fixable.  Because the amount of terrible human rights tragedies.  They're taking place in the world is a lot greater.  Meaning there are more human rights violations.  Now that there were 45 years ago when I began to talk about human rights.

So it's okay.  I just don't think I'm going to be signing very many petitions and more.  I just don't really see the value.  I might see the value the individual tastes or individual effort.  But globally.  I don't believe that petitions have very much effectiveness anymore.  Because of human rights petitions were really having any major effect than we as humanity would see the human rights violations going down.  But that's not what is happening.  The human rights violations are increasing every year.  And they are increasing because as hard as anyone might fight for human rights.  There is the opposite side where people are fighting as hard as they can to cause human rights problems.

Just like most people don't even understand my transgenderism at all.  And the reason they don't is because they don't understand how physically painful every single movement I make really is.  There is not one single movement of my body makes where I am not in excruciating pain.  Most of the fabrics that men wear are rather coarse.  People have no idea how broken and torn and damaged my nerves are to the point where most of the fabrics that men wear are so uncomfortable and painful on my nerves.  Throughout my body that I can barely where any of those fabrics.  People think that I'm lying when I say that.  At least until they see me in person.  Then they know I'm not lying.  Because they see the pain.  They see it in my face they see it in every movement I make.  And that's just the physical pain.

But the world doesn't want me to be transgendered.  The world doesn't want me to be anything other than what the world tells me to do.  So trying to be transgendered basically was like trying to put a gun to my head.  Being transgendered did nothing other than to basically destroy every part of my life and make me so alienated that no one ever wanted to have anything to do with me.  But I was already alienated.  My own family didn't really give a damn about me.  So I became transgendered it was just another excuse the family had to hate me.

So when I finally met my darling Aileen and found that she really did understand.  She became like a rock in the water.  She became something for me to hold on to to believe to know that maybe it wasn't all my fault and in fact she spent a lot of time convincing me that it was not my fault.  But then she died.  So there was no point in being transgendered anymore.  Even though it actually helps to relieve some of the nerve pain.  So I guess I'm more of a transvestite in some ways or another.  But I can't do that when I go out.  I can't be that way when I go out.  Because when I go out shopping, I have to look like any other guy walking down the street.  Because if I don't I will get killed.

So, now I don't have anyone in my life.  I don't have anyone that's going to be able to help me get through these older units which are going to be incredibly painful and very difficult.  I don't have any way of living as a transgendered female.  At least with any degree of safety.  So I have no real way of relieving a lot of the nerve pain.  I'm dealing with every single second.  Because I am interested in and have always worked for human rights, I guess as a result of my own training I just don't look very much importance on myself.  Maybe that's because my own family didn't put very much importance on me.

So sometimes I get apprehensive or fearful because I am and I realize I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.  So I do the best I can.  And I do that knowing that it's not going to be good enough for most of the people who I encountered.  The anything I do will not be good enough for my own family than anything I do will not be good enough for Aileen's sister or brother.  The anything I do will not be good enough for most people.  So again I am put in the position where I have to believe inside of myself that my mother and my darling Aileen are with me in watching over and protecting me.  Because of I don't believe in that.  I then have nothing to believe in at all.

And as I've said nothing I have ever experienced in my life can come close in any way to the level of suffering and hardship and tragedy that millions of amazing men, women and children are doing with every single minute.  I know that.  But in my own life.  Well I always knew was going to be hard.  I knew that the very moment the doctor talked to me about what was going to happen if they did not do the operation.  I just didn't have any idea how having the operation was going to make me more of a liability to my own family than anything else.  Which is why when I had the opportunity at age 16 to get the hell away from the family.  I did so as quickly as I could.  I knew I wasn't good enough for them.  I
never would be good enough for them.  The matter what I did.  And that has been a constant throughout my entire life.  Nothing I do will ever be good enough for the Maschke family.  Because in their mind I am nothing but a dirty bastard Jew.  All because I was adopted.  And because my mother gave birth to me out of wedlock.  And of course it's always all my fault.

So trying to read through the petitions every day gets to be somewhat difficult emotionally.  Because I'm reading about people who are being treated in so many ways exactly the way I have been treated all of my life.  And at this point I'm really getting tired.  I'm getting tired of dealing with the constant pain.  I'm getting tired of having nightmares every single night.  I'm getting tired of having flashbacks all the time.  I'm getting tired of most people never even having any understanding at all of what my life is really like, much less having any real sensitivity.  But unfortunately I don't have that encourage necessary to take my own life.  I can't explain why.  I have all the desire.  Because I certainly really don't want to be very much a part of this world anymore.  Because the world hasn't really wanted me in the world.  So I have all the desire of not wanting to be in the world.  Because the world doesn't want me here in the first place.  I just don't have the courage necessary to go through with the actual act.  So several times a day.  I have thoughts of suicide but I never act out on any of those thoughts because I don't have the courage to do so.  I suppose that makes me a failure yet again.  At least that's how I end up feeling.  Because there are people who actually do suffer with suicidal thoughts like I do.  And a lot of them actually go through with it.  I'm just never able to do that.  So I have no way out.  I have no way of ever getting rid of all of this guilt that people have put on me because they want me to believe that everything that ever happened to the Maschke family is my fault that everything that happens in the world is my fault that it's my fault for being born a Jew like I should feel guilty because I'm Jewish.  Like it's my fault that I was born a hunchback.

So unless I go out shopping.  I generally don't see people very much.  I have as little to do with people as possible.  Not because I don't love people.  Because I do.  It's just that when I'm around people.  Hardly anyone really understands the level of pain physically I'm dealing with.  Nor do they have any kind of sensitivity for the level of emotional pain.  I've had to carry with me all of my life.  People talk about racism.  But how many of those people who are talking about racism are the ones perpetrating racism and how many of those people who talk about racism are the ones who have survived racism?

There isn't one single minority group in the United States who will disagree with what I'm about to say.  As a Sephardic Jew in the United States.  I am one of the smallest minorities in the United States.  Racism and I have become very good friends over the years.  Because I first saw racism being demonstrated against me when I was eight years old.  And then when I was 12 racism was so ugly that people were really trying to murder me because they hated me because my adopted mother was Catholic and my adopted father was Jewish.  Because in their minds it was my fault for being adopted into a mixed religious family.  Because in their minds, everything was always my fault.

And I suppose.  By writing this way that I might be wallowing in self-pity.  And I'm almost feeling that I am so I probably am not going to do very much more writing today.  I'm probably going to spend most of the day meditating.  Because the last thing in the world I want to do is to wallow in self-pity.  Especially when every single minute 25 children are being murdered and every minute.  25 more children are starving to death.  And every 15 min. in the United States another child or adult become so desperate within their own minds that the only thing they can think of doing is taking their own life.  And every 30 seconds in the United States another woman is being beaten, raped or murdered.  So the last thing I ever want to do is to wallow in self-pity.  Because it's not going to do anything.  And it's not going to save any of these wonderful people who are dealing with so much terrible tragedy in their own lives to the point where many of them will not live to the end of the day.

So I really don't have a lot of time for wallowing in self-pity.  But if people are curious as to why the last few weeks my writing has been the way it is perhaps the foregoing is an explanation.  And maybe it will be good enough.  And if it's not well I'm used to that.  Because that's what I hear all the time.  That's what I have heard all my life.  And thank God when I do die.  Because I know that God is not going to say that to me.  I know God is not going to blame me for everything that happened in my life.  I know that God will blame me for some of the things that did happen but God will never blame me for being born a hunchback.  God will never blame me for being born a Jew.  It's God's creations, humans, who found that really easy to do.  God has never blame me for being a Jew, God has never blame me for being born a hunchback.  God's creations, people, have always blamed me for being a Jew for being born a Jew and have blamed me for being born a hunchback.  God never has.  People always have.

So, my plan for today as I said is to do a lot of meditating.  Because that's one thing about meditation.  When you do it seriously.  You always come out with illumination.  And that's what I want.  Because by understanding more of what is going on relative my own life.  For more, I will be able to appreciate the direction of my life.

So while the Maschke family, among others, have lots of hatred for me.  I don't have hatred for anyone.  And that really makes a lot of people very angry.  Because they don't like me not returning the hatred they are sending out to me.  Because they are sending that hatred out to me because they like confrontation and they want me to be involved in their confrontation.  But because I don't hate them back the way they hate me then they get even more angry because they want me to feel the hatred they have for me.  But I never do.  Because I lived with hatred in my own family.  All my life.

And because I did as my brain and I studied as hard as I could and as much as I could in every direction possible to learn as much as I possibly could about the ugliness of humanity the racism and bigotry and prejudice toward the killing.  The bombs the murder the alcoholism and drug abuse the wasted lives.  I did everything I could to learn as much as I possibly could about why humanity has this tremendous self-destructive aspect to itself.  Because that's what humanity is doing.  Humanity is self-destructing.  Humanity is doing this because humanity knows that putting these chemicals in the water is bad.  And yet the water table throughout the world is becoming poisonous.  Humanity knows that putting chemicals into food is a bad idea.  And yet it's done every day.  Humanity knows that what happened at Fukushima is exactly like only much worse than what happened at Chernobyl.  But humanity doesn't want to admit to that.  Because humanity is self-destructive.  Which is why there are so many people who have so many various addictions in the world.  The number of alcoholics in the world and drug addicts in the world is astronomical.  The amount of addictive behavior in the world is literally off the charts.  Humanity had become addictive in so many different ways.  Because humanity is self-destructive.

You see it every day.  You see it in how parents relate to their children and how children relate to each other and how businesses relate to each other.  Businesses in competition with each other.  Don't simply say that they want to be better than their competition.  A lot of businesses say they want to destroy their competition.  They want to bury their competition.  They want to obliterate their competition because that's how humanity.  Thanks.  Humanity doesn't think in terms of living in peace with itself humanity thinks in terms of destroying anything they don't like is why business all over the planet has become so toxic that it's basically a failed experiment.

That's another area where my father and I did not agree.  My father was always of the mind that he had to destroy the competition he had to murder the competition he had to kill the competition he had to diminish the competition to a point, whereby the competition would actually make his business better, but that the competition would do very well.  I never adopted that kind of sinister thinking.  I never wanted to.  But I saw it everywhere.  So in 1984 when the desktop computer hit the market.  People don't realize that there were millions of business analysts like myself all over the United States.  And when that desktop computer hit the market within one week, hundreds of thousands of business analysts were put out of work.  I had some friends who actually took their own lives as a result of the advance of the personal computer.  I have other friends whose marriages went up in smoke.  I had other friends who drink themselves into oblivion.  And there I was dealing with my spine my back, and all of pain, I have to live with.  And I didn't get that way.  When the personal computer hit the market and all of us lost our jobs almost overnight.  I did what I had to do every single day.  I reinvented myself.  Because that's what I have to do every day.  Every single movement I make has to be calculated.  Every single movement I make, whether it is a movement with my fingers for my hand or anything, every single movement has to be calculated before I made that movement.  Because that's the kind of pain.  I live with every single second.

So when the personal computer hit the market and hundreds of thousands of business analysts immediately lost their job.  There were any news stories about what happened to us because we weren't that important.  We were called, jobbers because that's what we were.  We were contract analysts.  Meaning that we would negotiate a contract to do analysis for a company or client for certain amount of time.  And that's what we did.  But where it might take us 100 hours of sleep.  One form of analysis or another.  When that personal desktop computer hit the market the desktop computer can do that analysis was in a matter of minutes.  So we no longer had any industry.  We no longer had any kind of way to make a living.  Everything we had studied everything we had learned meant nothing.  And we got nothing.

So what basically happened was that when some of these analysts reinvented themselves.  They became money managers and stockbrokers.  He became hungry for more money.  I didn't go in that direction.  I saw very clearly that the personal computer was going to wipe out or at least changed dramatically the nature of doing any kind of business analysis.  So, I realized that whatever I had learned in my life meant nothing anymore.  Because the rules of the game had changed.

So I did other things.  I tried to start a company.  Four different times.  Four different times those companies either failed or didn't do very well.  And there were different reasons.  In each case.  But they just didn't do very well.  I'm not hungry enough.  I'm not greedy and the.  I'm not selfish enough.  I don't put more value on money and human life.  So I didn't do real well in business.  Because in business you have to focus on money.  You can't focus on human life.  You have to focus on money, because that's what you are in business to do.  To make money.  And because I grew up in the kind of household I did.  I wanted nothing to do with all of that greed and all of that selfishness.  So I didn't do very well.  And that was fine.  He gave the Maschke's just another excuse to diminish me and to hate me.  Just another excuse for them to say that I was nothing but a failure and a waste of time.

So I got used to living alone.  Being on my own.  Why didn't have to hear all of the complaining and all of the negative comments and all the hateful remarks about me or my life and then over time I began to believe that I would never find anyone who would ever appreciate me your my life.  Which is why when I met my darling Aileen.  I didn't believe her at first when she said she really cared about me.  Because I didn't think anybody could.  But I was wrong.  She did care.  She cared a great deal.  And she proved that every single day.  And when she died.  She was far more concerned with how I was going to do after she died and she was with her own death.  So to this very day, not a single morning, starts without me, walking over to her actions, kissing her and telling her that one way or the other.  I will find her again.  Then I will find my way home and then I will find my mother that I will thank my mother that I will thank her with all my heart and with all of my soul that the Kurds.  She showed in 1950 gave me at the very least a chance to meet my darling Aileen.  So when Aileen was dying.  I told her the first thing she needed to do was find mom.  I told her that if she was able to find my mother that my mother would help her to find our children because I always considered her children.  Our children.  And then I told her that mom would help her to find her cello which had been stolen.  When she was in her 20s.  And then I told her that all she needed to do to keep the window open and the candlelit in the window and that she would eventually see me walking over that hill and I would not be living.  I would be with one because I would be on my way home to her, and to mom and to our family.

So maybe my life has been a failure by so many different estimates.  And if that's the way it is.  No problem.  I can deal with that.  I've been looked on as a failure, all my life.  So I'm used to.  Other people looking at my life and condemning me for everything they could possibly think of.  That's the normal reaction I get release that I have gotten.  I don't get that much anymore because I don't tell anyone about my life.  Because the only place I talk about my life is your.  And my Journal is it really that important in the world.  Hardly anyone reads my journal and that's fine.  I don't want to be on Facebook because I don't want all of the negative remarks that people make toward each other.  I don't need any more hateful things said to me.  I don't need anyone castigating me for attacking me because of whatever they think I have done when I have done nothing Facebook is not a very comfortable place from.  In all the years I've lived no one from my time at Fort Lewis College or Denver, Colorado or Tucson.  No one has ever contacted me from any of those years because I wasn't that important.  They might contact other of their schoolmates or their friends.  But nobody ever really contact me.  Nobody ever calls my home nobody ever comes over to see me because I'm not that important.  And I understand that and I never wanted to be that important.  I grew up in a family where I was under a microscope almost every single second.  And I hated that.

The last thing in the world I ever wanted growing up was to live under the microscope for the rest of my life.  So I chose not to because when you have lots of money or you are really important.  You are under a microscope with every single thing you do and say.  That's how I was living when I was growing up with the Maschke family.  I was always under the microscope.  I always had to dress a certain way and look a certain way and only act in certain ways.  And I was doing so well.  My parents were involved in a number of unsavory activities while at the same time they were millionaires and at the same time they were alcoholics.  They were just plain drunks.  So, the world saw one side of my family and never saw the other.  So I don't have a problem with the fact that nobody from my past, even wants to have anything to do with me and that nobody ever contact me.  I don't have a problem with that.  Because the people who do come to my door are people who actually need something.  And they know that no matter what happens if they come to my door.  They will never be turned away.  And if there's any way I can help them.  I will always do so.  Because that's what became important to me in my life.  Not the money, not the importance not the notoriety that simply being a friend.  Because it's the one thing I didn't have very much in my life.  Because I was never good enough for other people.  So there were a lot of people who actually wanted to be a friend to me.  After all, I was a half breed Jew.  At least that's what they used to think.  So I was never good enough for anybody.  So, I have lived my life by trying to make sure that no one would ever feel that way they came to me.  That they would never feel like they were not good enough.  Because everyone knows that they come to my door.  They are good enough.  No matter what.  So nobody is turned away.  And at the end of the month or during the third and fourth week of the month.  There are typically a number of people come to my door.  Some might need a cup of coffee.  Others might be out of bread or they might be out of milk or they might need a sandwich because they are hungry, or they might need help in some other way.  And no one is turned away.  Because I won't do that.  I know how it feels be treated like you're not good enough.  So nobody comes to my door feels like they are not good enough.  Because everybody knows that they come to my door.  They have found at least a resting place.

So while I might not be good enough for the Maschke family I never treat anyone else that way.  Which is why when I'm out walking and I meet someone.  If I sense in that person that they have a need that they are not able to talk about.  I immediately address that need.  The other day I met a veteran was walking home from the hospital.  And when they said hello to me.  I felt this incredible amount of pain inside of them.  So as they began to walk away.  I said do you need a cigarette?  And they stopped and smiled and said yes.  So we shared a cigarette.  I gave them a cigarette and I lived one myself.  And the first thing I said was, in case no one else has said this to you today.  Thank you so much for your service.  And this veteran began to tell me about how tough things had been for them.  They actually have arthritis much more serious than I do.  Even though they are younger than I am.  So their life is very hard.  And I told this veteran the same thing I tell anyone when I'm out.  I told them that if they hear someone whistling it is probably me.  And when they hear someone whistling and it's me they will always know that they found a friend.  Because that's what I am.  I am a friend to other people.  No matter what.

Because I refuse to lower myself to all the conflict and hatred that our world feeds on.  I'm not going to go down into that quagmire.  I would rather be the person out walking the street that when someone walks up to me, they know they have found a friend.  Not someone who will judge them.  And what's amazing is that regardless of who I encounter when I'm out whether they are a drug addict or an alcoholic or just part of the working poor.  They always appreciate the fact that I don't make any judgments at all.  And that I really do care about them.  And they know that because they can see it in my face.

So maybe I didn't do very well in my life.  Maybe I didn't make lots of money.  Maybe I am a failure to the Maschke family like I am a failure to so many other people.  But I believe in my heart and my soul that I am not a failure to my darling Aileen and I never have been and I am not a failure to my mother, who died giving birth to me.  And that I am not a failure to God who created me.  So if I'm a failure to the Maschke family and everyone else in this world that's not my problem.  Because everyone in the world did not make me.  God made me.  My mother died to give birth to me.  She didn't do that because she had nothing better to do.  He did that because she believed that what she was caring inside of her was important enough to be born.  Important enough to die for.  Just like my darling Aileen.

So it's not my fault that IE 11 does not work on my system.  Part of the reason that I have security cameras attached directly to my computer because I have so much trouble getting to my feet.  It can sometimes take almost a solid minute for me just to be able to stand up.  Not because my legs are weak because my legs are very strong.  I'm actually very strong.  It's my waist.  It's my hips.  My hips are fused to my spine.  So standing up is a problem.  And then I have nerve damage.  So those cameras that I have attached my computer are there, of course, for security.  But they are there.  Also, because I can't get to the door very quickly.  There's no way.  So people come to my door are used to hearing me yell out real loud that I'm on my way.  Because that's what I do.  Because when I see someone at my door if it's someone who I actually know needs help or wants to see me and I know them.  I always yell out that I'm on my way because it takes me a while just to stand up.  And I don't ever want anyone coming to my door.  If they have any kind of need to ever be turned away.  Because I know how that feels.  Being a Jew, being a Sephardic Jew in America.  I know exactly how it feels to be turned away to be thrown out of place is because I am a Jew.  That's been done to me.  A lot of times in my life.

Some people don't really understand my life very much.  Because they don't understand me.  And that's another reason I stay away from people.  Because I know it's difficult for them to understand me or anything I have gone through.  And I don't want to be a burden to other people.  Because I know how difficult it is for me to deal with my days.  I don't ever want to put that kind of burden on anyone else.  That's one of the reasons I resisted meeting my darling Aileen for a solid year.  Because I didn't want her to have to deal with all of the extra stuff I have to deal with in my own life.  But she was relentless.  And thank God for that.  Because knowing her and falling in love with her was the greatest honor I ever had in my entire life.  Loving her the way I do right now is one of the things that keeps me going.

So you think I'm simply a loose cannon.  You are probably wrong.  I'm not a loose cannon.  I'm just someone who lives with a lot of pain.  Physical, emotional and mental.  And I'm getting tired.  I'm just getting tired.  But I will keep going.  One way or the other.  I will always keep going.  And none of what I have written even comes close to trying to explain what happened the during those 5 min. when I actually was dead.  No one even wants to believe that any of that actually happened.  Nobody hardly even cares that it actually happened.  Just like nobody even wants to believe that what happened in the ward actually took place.  But he did.  I want those children dying one after another.  And at age 17.  Watching those children died affected me beyond anything I can even put into words.  Just like watching my darling Aileen die changed me in so many different ways that I can't even describe.

So I don't know how many petitions.  I'm going to sign any more.  I'm thinking that what I want to do with this Journal is to do more news stories.  Not petitions.  Because I don't really see the petitions doing very much.  Good.  And wading through all that e-mail and all those requests for money gets to be rather tiring.  It takes me almost 2 hours to go through all of the requests for money and the petitions every day.  So that by the time I'm through.  I'm generally so tired because I have to use my voice to do everything.  But by the time I'm through doing my e-mail.  I'm pretty much exhausted.  And then I don't really have much energy to do news stories like I want to.  So I probably will change the direction of my Journal.  Someone at least for the second principle, which is the human rights principle.

But today because I had so many nightmares last night.  I'm probably just going to rest and meditate.  And so I will either stay with IE 9 or I will go back to Firefox.  But I'm not going to do anything right now.  As I said.  Now I'm going to rest and then I will get back to it sometime around 10 AM, but possibly noon.

So I will write later.

Thank you very much for listening.

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