Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Daily Life - Year-End Agenda

5:24 AM, EST:

It's the 15th of the month.  The halfway mark.  But it's also basically just about two weeks before the end of the year.  It's also the very beginning or of the first several weeks, or a few weeks, of the fourth year after my darling Aileen died.  So while the next two weeks have a few different types of holidays going on in the United States.  Plus of course a number of holidays going on throughout the world.  For me, it's basically that section of time where I prepare for the new physical year.  And it's also that time, where I make an assessment of the year before.  Not only the physical year.  But also the last year.  The I experienced after Aileen died.

So there are some changes that will be made.  Some of those changes I will be able to talk about publicly.  And some I will not.  Which is okay.  Actually I will probably be able to talk about most of them if not all of them.  I just won't be able to talk about certain details of certain changes because they have to do with home security.

But in assessing the previous year, I am sad that Evelyn has not figured out that what she is accusing me of is actually what she has been doing to me and to Aileen for the last 20 years.  In one conversation.  She accused me of barking at her.  And yet he never realizes that she barks at everyone.  So she is accusing me of doing to her something I did not do, but that she perceives that I have done, when in point of fact, she has done that to me and to Aileen, ever since I have known her, meaning Evelyn.  To never answers the phone in any kind of a friendly manner.  She always answers the phone barking as if she is some extremely important dignitary.  And as I said, I have countless recordings of phone calls that Aileen made trying to reach Evelyn and there was no answer and I have other recordings were Aileen tried to reach Evelyn and left voicemail messages and Evelyn never returned the call.  I have notes of where Evelyn promised to come over and see Aileen and I and then never showed up.  This is because Evelyn believe she is extremely important and much better than other people and that everyone should be honored to wait for her even if she doesn't show up.  Because Evelyn loves making other people wait for her.  She loves having other people bowed down to her and cater to her every whim.  Because Evelyn really believes she is better than other people and more important than other people and that everyone should be extremely honored to even have any contact with her, Evelyn.  Because Evelyn really believes she is better than everyone.  And she is used to getting her own way no matter what.

So she has no concept that anyone else has feelings because the only feelings that are important to Evelyn are her own.  She doesn't care about anyone else's feelings because if she did she would never make all those promises to come and see her brother or me or Aileen and then simply never even keep any of those promises.  If she really understood that other people's feelings were just as important as her own.  She would never tell her brother Claude or her sister, Aileen that she was coming over.  And then suddenly not even be available.  But that's Evelyn.  Nobody tells her what to do.  Nobody asks her to do anything.  Everyone adjusts their schedule to meet Evelyn's.  Because Evelyn is more important anyone else.  She is used to getting her own way.  And anyone who doesn't do exactly what Evelyn tells them to do.  Evelyn then does not see them and treat them like crap.  Because Evelyn is better than everyone.  And she's more important than everyone and she is used to getting her own way and she doesn't have to do anything for anyone because everyone has to bow down to Evelyn because she is better than everyone.  And she can tell anyone anything she wants and she never has to be honest that she never has to keep her promises.  And she never has to be reliable and she never has to follow through with any commitment.  Because she's better than everyone and everyone needs to understand that.

So now obviously Evelyn is not happy.  Because I don't agree with what I just wrote above.  Because I'm not going to bow down to her.  And I do have feelings.  And she has hurt my feeling so many times that I can't stand to have my feelings hurt anymore by her rudeness and her complete discourtesy and total disrespect.  She whines and complains about how everything is so tough on her and she does so to such an extent that she doesn't even have a clue under any circumstances about how anyone else suffers.  Because she doesn't care.

She's also extremely sarcastic.  And she's not really very nice.  What's unfortunate for Evelyn is that she has no idea that sense I grew up being a partner with my father in a linen supply company.  That very early in my life.  I was around lots of waitresses working at different restaurants, because we were supplying them their uniforms.  So long before Evelyn was even born I knew waitresses.  Just like her.  Arrogant.  Rude.  Condescending.  Thinking they were better than others.  Waitresses who basically separated themselves from everyone with their arrogance and their rudeness.  Only to find later in life that as a result of being so arrogant and so rude that a lot of those waitresses ended up being dried up and shriveled up mean-spirited women who did not have anyone in their lives and had no one caring about them because they never cared about anyone.

So at one has no idea or concept of how her behavior has resembled the boy who cried Wolf.  Because Evelyn believes in her heart and in her mind that everyone in the world should get on their knees and be very grateful for the honor of even knowing her.  No one is allowed to talk to her about anything that she doesn't want to talk about.  You are not allowed to talk about politics or human rights with her because she doesn't like talking about those things.  And she won't.  And when she does in fact honor you with her presence.  She will never tell you anything about her life.  Even if you ask her directly is because she's better than everyone and no one has a right to know anything about her life because she doesn't tell anyone about her life.  Meaning she doesn't tell anyone how she's really doing because she doesn't trust anyone.  And she doesn't like anyone.

And what's remarkable is that she actually did spend time in Kathmandu.  When her and her sister, Aileen and the whole family were traveling around the world.  Evelyn and Aileen both met the Dolly Lama.  But Evelyn was the one who actually stayed in Kathmandu and studied with the Dalai Lama for a certain period of time.  And yet from all that time that she spent with the Dolly Lama here she is as a waitress in her 50s.  She is become very much an alcoholic.  Her life has basically no organization.  And she is so insensitive to other people that anyone with any brains wonders what the hell she actually learned in Kathmandu?

Because if she had really learned anything from the Dolly Lama she would not be an alcoholic.  Nor would she be so rude and insensitive to other people.  Nor would she be so closed minded and aloof and condescending.

And where I was able to tolerate all of this kind of poor behavior while my darling Aileen was alive.  What Evelyn doesn't understand because she is so extremely selfish and self-centered is that what she is mistaking in me for being mean-spirited, which is not true.  It is simply that I have gotten to a point where I cannot take her mean-spirited selfishness and her rudeness and her constant lying anymore.  And I'm not going to bow down to her like she is someone who is better than everyone else in the world.  I'm not going to put up with her inconsistencies and how she lies when she says she's coming over and then never shows up and doesn't even call to explain why for months at a time.  Because she doesn't feel she has to.  She will tell you she's coming over.  And then she will never show up.  And then she won't even call to explain why.  And there you are.  For several months left wondering what the hell happened to her because she won't even return anyone's phone calls.  And yet she's better than everyone, right?  No she's not.

The world is filled with people who are very selfish and mean-spirited and singular like Evelyn.  That's probably one of the emotional problems that the world really has.  That people have become so singular in selfish that they don't really consider other people's feelings.  And in point of fact, that's one of the reasons that so many marriages around the world and in the United States actually fail.  Because two parties will enter into a marriage based on love and a lot of times but two people entering into that marriage are not prepared to be as unselfish as they really need to be in order to make the marriage work.

As the foregoing doesn't even come close to the level of jealousy.  Evelyn has always had for her sister, Aileen.  Because no one ever fell in love with.  At one.  People did fall in love with her sister.  Because I'm one who did.  And Evelyn is jealous of that.  Because she doesn't like it when someone else gets something that she doesn't get because she feels she's better than everyone.  And so she should get everything before anyone else.  So she lives with a lot of jealousy of other people.

So she probably thinks that I have nothing but hatred for her and yet she has no idea of how much I love her and clawed.  But how I will not under any circumstances allow, either her or her brother to dishonor Aileen or two excuse me of anything.  Because I've done nothing except try to love both her and clawed as much as I love my darling Aileen.  But not on their terms.  On mine.  And that's my right.  Because I am not able to love them on their terms.  Because I am not them.  I can only love them within the capacity of my own heart, not theirs.  And that's what makes clawed and Evelyn extremely self oriented and very selfish people.  Because they expect everyone to look at the world from their point of view.  And if you don't they will turn their back on you in a heartbeat.

And that last couple of statements is really one of the most singular and important differences between my darling Aileen, who was their sister and the two of them.  Because Aileen was not selfish or self-centered.  Aileen spent her entire life giving to others and doing for others.  Clawed and Evelyn spent their entire lives doing for themselves.  Which is why they are very uncomfortable talking about human rights, because neither one of them really care about human rights.

So they don't really understand why it is.  I fell in love with my darling Aileen but every one of you who is reading my Journal completely understand.  It's self evident.  How could I not love Aileen?  She was like a world mother in her love and her compassion for all those who are suffering in this world.  She had no problem dedicating all of her spare time to interacting with is and fighting for the rights of those who suffer no matter where they were living, or who they were.

So basically I have asked Aileen to talk to Evelyn and Claude.  And I've done so because there's nothing I can do.  Evelyn has no clue that as a result of all the lying.  She has done about coming over and never showing up in never being available that her actions totally and completely resemble the boy who cried Wolf.  Just like Claude has no concept of the fact that his overindulgence of his daughter and now his granddaughter has basically made them extremely spoiled.  Just like Claude doesn't even have any concept of the fact that he has become such a severe order that in his own home it's virtually impossible to walk through the home, because it is filled with so much stuff that you can hardly move in the house.  Which of course means that if something were to happen to him that an emergency team would have a very difficult time getting into the home to even save his life.

I don't have time for that.  I wish I did, but I don't.  I have to take care of this house.  And I'm going to do that.  I will never turn away or step away from the promises I made to my darling Aileen.  Because when we fell in love.  We did not fall in love for the rest of our lives.  We fell in love forever.  And even know the state of Ohio is going to take this home away from me as soon as I die.  And they will do that.  Because Aileen and I were lied to about the medical care that she was being given.  We were told that the medical care was free.  It was not.  And had Aileen understood that she would have never agreed to accept any of that medical care.  But we were told it was going to be free.  Which was not true.  And as a result, after Aileen died.  The state was only too happy to slap a $40,000 loan on this house and against me for the medical care that Aileen was given.  Even though they told us at the outset of that medical care that it was going to be free.

So even though the state of Ohio is going to take this home and then of course make as much money off of it as they possibly can.  They will not throw me out of this home at least as long as I keep paying the bills and maintaining the house.  And I'm going to do exactly that.  Not only because I'm not ever going to allow the state of Ohio to treat me like a piece of crap just because that's how the Republicans like to treat everyone.  But I'm not going to allow them to do that.  Because I promised my darling Aileen I would maintain this home.  And I know that 5 min. after I'm dead that the Republicans will rush on to this property.  They will destroy her rosebush they will tear it down and they will destroy every single thing I created and that I have in fact maintained for my darling Aileen.  Because Republicans don't care about human life.  All they care about is their filthy dirty money.

No problem.

So as I said, I have asked Aileen to talk to her sister and to her brother.  Because it has to come from her.  They are not going to listen to me, because I'm just, the in law.  That's all I am.  Just like my own family, the Maschke family doesn't even look at me as part of the family.  Because to the Maschke family I'm nothing but a stupid bastard.  And they are right that I am in fact the bastard because my mother gave birth to me while she was out of wedlock.  So that part is true.  But I'm not stupid.  There isn't anyone in this entire world I have ever known except for the Maschke family who has ever thought I was stupid.  And I've met people from all over this world.  Even though I've never been out of this country.  And no one I have ever met other than my own family, the Maschke family, has ever thought I was stupid.  People have thought a lot of things about me.  Mostly, which have been untrue.  But nobody has ever thought I was stupid.  That's where the Maschke family has a singular honor.  Because they don't even recognize something that is good when it is in front of them because they are also so extremely selfish and self-centered that they don't do anything for anyone unless they get something out of it.  But then they are a family of Republicans.  So they are acting exactly like every single Republican I have ever known in my life.  Self-centered, selfish money oriented not getting it damn about anyone except themselves and not really having the ability to ever really be honest with anyone because they can't even be honest with themselves.

And that's not my fault, nor is it my problem.  In the life I have lived no one has come forward from the Catholic community to even say they are sorry for what happened to my mother or the thousands of other women who were murdered during the 1950s in the United States by the Catholic church simply for being unwed mothers.  No one from the Catholic churches even come forward to say they were sorry for what happened to my mother.  No one from the Catholic church has even offered to investigate why it was done.  What the Catholic church has done is to do everything they could to deny it ever happened.  Which is why at the top of this Journal page.  There are documents proving it actually did happen.

What the Catholic church did to my mother and the thousands of other women during the 1950s, by the words in their own Bible, God will do to the Catholic church.  Because in the Catholic Bible, including all of the revisions they have made the original words are still there.  Jesus their Lord and Savior said at the sermon on the mount, that which you do to the least of all that God has made.  God will do to you.

So since the Catholic church thought it was a really good idea to abuse my mother and to basically murder her and then to sell me to the Maschke family for about $250.  Those actions were done by the Catholic church by their own free will choice.  And as a result of that their own Bible says that what they have done to the least of all that God has made God will do to them.  So the Catholic church doesn't mind having to pay God back for the crime they did to my mother and the thousands of other women during the 1950s.  Then I'm certainly not going to concern myself with that.  They are the ones who made the choice to abuse my mother and to murder her.  They are the ones who have made that choice to ignore the fact that they murdered my mother and thousands of other women.  They are the ones who have never been honest about what they have done.  They are the ones who have never come forward to say they are sorry.  They are the ones who have chosen never to even investigate the matter.  They are the ones who have chosen to deny the entire matter.  And for that.  And for those actions.  They will be judged by God on that basis.  Because that is what their own Bible says.  And they don't have the guts to put up and shut up and live by those words then I am left wondering how they have the odd Cassidy to call themselves Catholics when they don't even want to follow the words that their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ said at the sermon on the mount.

And if any of the Catholics think that I hate anyone.  They are completely wrong.  Because I walked away from religion many many years ago.  Because of all the lying and all of the hatred that religion was fostering in this world.  The four different religions as I said those four little words have become battle cries for humanity to kill each other and to hate each other and to lie to each other.  My life and my mother are just to very small and insignificant examples of that fact.

Because I do not hate anything God made.  But God did not make the personal choices that humans make.  God did not make the personal choices that the Catholic Church made in 1950, whereby as a result, thousands of women, thousands of unwed mothers, were basically murdered and their children stolen and then sold like pieces of meat.

The Catholic Church made that choice on their own.  To steal children were from unwed mothers and to murder those unwed mothers and then to lie about it.  And for that crime against God and against some of the least of all that God did make.  They have committed a sin against Jesus Christ and against God.  Because Jesus told them that the least of all that God has made that anything they do to the least of all that God has made God will do to them.  And no matter what the Catholic Church might say they cannot get away from those words.  Because if they do then they deny their entire religion.

So I am not impressed with all of the words that someone might say in defense of how they don't have to pay attention to their own religion and they can do anything they want.  Actions are what impresses me.  Not words.  And unfortunately as a writer.  Part of my actions are actually in the words I write.  Which is why I set extremely high standards for myself and I maintain those high standards for anyone who wants to be part of my life.  Which is why I do not tolerate lying and which is why my darling Aileen and I and never together as husband and wife, ever tolerated lying.  Which is why Aileen and I never really got along with her brother and sister very much.  Evelyn has no idea of how hard I had to convince Aileen not to become so angry with around sister that she wanted nothing to do with her.  Because of how arrogant and how rude and self oriented and selfish.  Evelyn was behaving.  At one time or another.  Just like her brother Claude has no idea of how Aileen was absolutely completely done with her brother.  Because of how mean-spirited and hateful he had behaved one Christmas.

Just like the Catholic Church and my own fellow Jews have no idea how much I pray for everyone in this world.  Every single day.  Not for myself.  For everyone else.  Because I will never lower myself to the level of contempt and hatred that are world thrives on.  I will never be part of the constant hatred and conflict.  But the four major religions thrive on.  If the four major religions in this world want to continue hating each other simply because of a point of view yelling and screaming how they alone are the only way to worship God.  That is their own personal choice.  But don't expect me to be part of that ugliness.  Because I will not do that.  As I've said before, I follow in the footsteps of Mahatma Gandhi, Mohammed, Moses, and Jesus, and Buddha.

All of these for religious personalities lived lives of poverty.  They all defended the poor.  They all defended women and children.  Which is exactly why the Republican Party and the tea party and the right-wing Christian extremists hate anyone who is poor.  And why they have no respect for Jesus Christ for being poor.  Because the Republican Party and the tea party do everything they can to destroy the poor in this country because they happen the poor.  Even though their own Lord and Savior Jesus Christ lived a life of poverty.  And yet, the Republican Party wants me to respect them?  There's no way that I can.  It they won't respect themselves or their own religion.  How can I respect them?

So the end of the year is a time when I basically reorganize certain parts of my life in advance for the coming year.  So this next year is going to be one where I will be making certain changes to secure this home more than it has been and to make repairs where needed.  I have plans for that.  And if Evelyn really wants to be part of my life.  Then she will do a lot of soul-searching and she will look into her own behavior so that she will understand that the way she treats other people is one of the reasons why she doesn't have a lot of other people in her life.  If she's not willing to show her humanity to others that she has no right to demand that others show their humanity to her.

And as I've said this Journal is not only the Journal my darling Aileen wanted to do with me but never got the chance to do so.  It is not only also the continuing effort regarding human rights that Aileen and I did shouldered the shoulder together for 18 years, that I now do a loan at least for the two of us.  With this Journal is also my way of opening my soul before God in however many years or whatever years I have left before I go to God.

And that's what I'm doing this morning.  Because these thoughts are the result of Aileen coming to me in my dreams and reminding me as we talked last night.  But there was a lot more going on, which brought us together.  Neither she nor I were very important to this world.  We are not.  We were just to souls out of aliens and billions in the world.  But we were to souls, and I still am a soul, that dedicated our lives to always being willing to be a friend to those who were in need.  That's how we lived our lives.  That's how I live my life now.

So while I know for a fact that the Catholic Church will never admit to what they did to my mother, because the Catholic Church has never been honest under any circumstances unless they were forced to do so in a court of law.  History shows that very clearly.  So even though I know that the Catholic Church will never admit to what they did to my mother.  Nor will they say they are sorry.  Nor will they investigate why they did what they did to my mother, because the Catholic Church doesn't care.  They don't care about how many women.  They murdered they don't care about my mother because I'm not a Catholic and Catholics hate everyone.  Because that's what's always been true.  The Muslims hate the Jews.  And the Jews hate the Muslims.  And the Christians and Catholics hate everyone.  That's been true for the last 50 years, if not more.  Just like it is true today.

So like I said, the Catholic Church will never come forward and even admit to what they did to my mother.  Nor will they say they are sorry.  Nor will they investigate why they committed that crime against my mother.  Because the Catholic church doesn't give it damn about women.  And I can be easily seen from the statistics on the face page of this Journal, where it shows very clearly that 6 million women are either beaten, raped or murdered in the United States alone with the United States being 78% pro-life Christian.  Which means 78% of the murdering of all women in this country is being done by pro-life Christians and pro-life Catholics.  And those two religions don't even have the that's to admit what they are doing to one of the types of people that their Lord and Savior died protecting.  Women.

And for the crime they have committed against one of the types of people that Jesus died protecting God will do the same to them.  Because that's what their own Bible says.  And in reality, that concept is expressed in every single major religions in the world, in one way or another.

So that's what I'm doing this morning.  Basically sharing what Aileen and I talked about last night and preparing my mind and my heart and my soul for these last two weeks before the turn of the year.  Because I have a lot to get done over this next year.  And there's no one here that's going to help me do the work.  I have to do it myself.  And that's fine by me.  There are millions and millions of amazing children and wonderful men and women throughout this world who are doing exactly the same thing in their own lives.  They are moving forward alone without the help of hardly anyone.  And, hardly anyone notices them.  But I do.  Because that is one of the things in my darling Aileen, fell in love with.  That I was like her in so many ways.  I don't just love certain people in this world.  I love every single human being in this world.  Its behavior.  The personal choices that humans make.  The personal choices that have brought humans to become ugly and deceitful to each other and greedy and selfish and racist and to get it unprejudiced.  That behavior.  And those choices.  I don't love.  Because God did not make those choices and God did not make that behavior.  As a follower of Mahatma Gandhi, and Moses, and Mohammed, and Jesus, and Buddha.  I have dedicated my life not only to a life of pacifism.  But a life of loving every single thing that the creator or God has created.  Every single thing.  Because I will not look at anything that God has created without unconditional love.  Because in my mind and in my heart and soul that is how God looks at us and how God looks at me.

And if that makes me a full to other people.  No problem.  Because I don't have to go before any human being when I die.  I won't be going before the Republican Party for them to stand like an inquisition over my soul.  Because the Republican Party doesn't have that right.  The matter how big and important they think they are they will not stand over my soul and determine where my soul goes.  Because they are not God.  And neither is any member of the Catholic or the Christian or the Muslim or the Jewish faith.  They are not God they will not determine where my soul goes.  When I moved to the other side of the veil.  Because they are not God.  God is God.

So in these final years of my life.  I will in fact do everything I possibly can to bear my soul before God because that is where I am going.  And for any Catholic or Christian or anyone of any religion to say that is not true.  They would have to deny their own religion.  And if they want to go to that extent because of their hatred for me.  Let them take that stand.  Because I will not join them.  I will continue praying every single day, several times a day for my fellow humans throughout this world.  Regardless of what religion they are, regardless of any criteria knowing in my heart and my soul that the creator or God made every single thing in this world, except the free will choices that humans make.  So I will love what God has made because God has loved me.  God did not make everything in this world out of hatred that is my own personal belief.  And I have never asked anyone to join me in anything I believe.  But I have always been honored and extremely gratified whenever I have found anyone who has understood or embraced what I believe.  I have always looked at that as a of honor.  Just like I look at all of you who read my Journal finding what I write to be worthy of your interest and your attention.  I look at that as a very huge honor and something I take very seriously.  Just like I look at how my darling Aileen, fell in love with me on the account of my writing and on the account of how I look at the world and my love for the world.  And for that she allowed me to love her.  She allowed me into her life.  And I never took that for granted.  To this very second.  It is one of the greatest honors I ever had in my life to be allowed to love her as much as I have.  And as much as I do.

Just like I look at it as a very huge honor to be allowed to love each and every human in this world.  Meaning all of you and everyone else.  To me that is an honor.  It's not an obligation.  It's a personal choice I have made based on what I understand and what I have learned about life.  It's how I live my life.

And nothing I have said makes me better than anyone.  Because I am not.  I never thought I was.  I have never aspired to be.  I'm just me.  That's all just one very insignificant and small soul out of 7 billion souls in this world.  I have never wanted to be better than the worst man at his best moments.  And I have never in my own mind and heart and soul been worse then the best man at his worst moment.  And I have never aspired to be more than the smallest speck of dust.  Because all through my life.  I learned that even in the smallest speck of dust the entire or the whole of God is found.  So, I have always felt, why would I want to be anything more than a speck of dust?  If the whole of God can be found in the smallest element in the universe.  Then why would I want to be anything more than that?

So the third principal of this Journal is actually a very important principle.  It's actually worth people are able to learn the most about me.  Because it is where I open my soul in my heart before God in whatever years I have left in this world.  It's where I argue with myself where I try to organize my thoughts and my feelings before God.  It is where I write to my darling Aileen and sometimes she writes back.  It's where I talk about my love for my darling Aileen for everything she was everything she is.

So this third principal of this Journal really becomes one of the best ways for people to understand me.  Because as a writer and as I said.  Actions speak louder than words.  So the way that I am able to put words into action as a writer is by writing as honestly as I can and being prepared to die at any given second for any word I might write or say.  Those are my actions.  Because there's not a single word I have ever written or said where I have not been prepared to do I for what I have written or said.  That is how I have always lived my life.  Just like that is how I live my life now.

So from how Aileen and I talked last night.  He understands very clearly that she is going to have to be the one to talk to her brother and sister.  And she is basically just trying to figure out how to do that.  Claude won't really have a problem.  If Aileen comes to him in dreams or in possibly a vision.  At one would have a definite problem.  Because she is so overcome with grief.  She can't even come over to this house.  So Aileen is working out some mechanism whereby she can communicate with her sister, but without frightening her or making her unsettled.  And that will just take time.

The beauty about Aileen and I is that not only were we in perfect synchronicity with each other.  We understood each other very clearly.  And we knew each other very well.  And when we fell in love with each other.  It was never for the rest of our lives.  It was forever.

Now physically I have noticed that my arthritis in my hands has slowly been progressing.  Which is a little disconcerting.  But that's all.  It just means I really can't use the mouse or the keyboard very much anymore.  My right-hand is having more trouble than my left.  Which is okay.  I am doing exercises to try and regain some of the mobility in my right-hand that I have lost.  But using the mouse and keyboard.  At least with what's going on with my hands is just really not a very good idea anymore.  At least not for very long.

So the only messages or articles I do in my Journal anymore where I actually do use I hands are the ones where I talk to my darling Aileen.  Because I promised her I would always play the keys for her.  Play the keys of my keyboard.  Because that's what she felt I always did.  That I as a writer was like any musician or other artist.  And that my keyboard was just like any musical keyboard.  With the exception being of course that instead of sounds of music that my playing the keys created sounds of thoughts and ideas.  Streams of words and concepts that would paint a picture in someone else's mind regarding what I was talking about.

So before she died.  I promised her that I would always play the keys for her.  Meaning that when I write to her I always use my hands, no matter what.  And it is painful to do so I have to say that.  Because my hands are slowly having more issues.  But that's okay.  That's what life is for.  Life is meant to be used and to be lived.  In my mind and in my heart and soul life is not to be used or wasted.  It is meant to be used and to be lived.  And if you use your life and you live your life without wasting it or abusing it.  It's amazing what you get what you learn what you experience.

So it's the middle of the month.  And in 10 days the Catholics and Christians will be celebrating Christmas.  And of course it's also the time of Hanukkah.  And it's the time of a number of other celebration is in different religions.  It said one time in the calendar year when instinctively we take a moment to put our hatred for each other aside and try to remember that the one common denominator that we all have is that no matter what we all go to the same place.  Back to our Creator.


I did finish all of the human rights articles and petitions yesterday.  And I am in the process of separating the news stories that I get from different fellow human rights advocates so that I can keep those in a separate folder and then work through them as I have time.  I will do that later this morning.  But I also have to do a little shopping this morning.  So that means I will be outside for a while, which is okay.  As I have explained to people.  I sold hot dogs in Denver for over a year.  And during that year.  There were many mornings during the winter when it was much colder than anything that Cleveland has ever experienced.  Which is why I became very adept at layering when I went out into the cold, which is also one of the reasons how I learned to adapt to the cold and to live in the cold.

Along with some of the other experiences I had where I actually was climbing mountains and camping out at high altitudes at temperatures that were beyond being remarkable because they were so cold.  People in Denver and throughout Colorado I have known really do know this about me.  Some of them were actually there when it happened.

So my plans for this morning is to tidy up the property a little bit from the snow.  We have had.  To make sure that my neighbors next-door who are somewhat disabled have their walk shoveled.  And then I will go out and take care of some of the shopping I need done.  And as is usually the case when I get home I will be somewhat tired.  And at that point I will rest.  And then I will move forward.  I will try to do some news articles today.  I wasn't able to do them yesterday because I actually discovered a slight deficiency in my diet that was causing my hypoglycemia to be more reactive whereby I was not able to maintain my sugar balance as much as I wanted to.  So I was actually making adjustments to my diet yesterday in order to make sure that doesn't happen anymore.  It's just that at my age, my hypoglycemia is changing from the way it may have existed in my earlier years.  And that's perfectly normal.  But with that change I have to adapt.  Because if you don't adapt you don't survive.  Whether we like it or not, that is definitely true.  If you don't adapt your chances of survival are severely diminished.

So that being said.  I'm going to have some breakfast.  Then I will prepare myself to go outside.  And I will take care of what needs to be done.  Then I will do the shopping.  And I will keep going forward.  Sometimes fast.  Sometimes slow.  But ever onward.

One thing that Aileen reminded me of last night is that I have forgotten in recent months.  At the end of my Journal articles to say thank you.  To say thank you, to you, those who have found what I write to be worthy of reading.  To say thank you to all of you for the attention that you pay to my writing.  Because it does mean a lot.  But that's how Aileen and I are.  And as I said.  Not a single second that goes by when I do not feel so tremendously honored to be allowed to love her as much as I do.  Just like there is not one single second that goes by when I do not feel tremendously honored to be allowed to love all of you and everything that the creator has made.  Because to me in my heart and in my mind, and soul it is a real honor to be allowed to feel the love I have for all of you and everyone and everything in this world.  That's always how I have looked at it.

And from what I understand there is more snow coming because the first clear day in Cleveland won't happen until almost Wednesday or Thursday.  And that's fine.  It's winter.  And that's part of what winter does.  It's part of what winter has.  Snow and cold.

So I'm going to have breakfast and then I will begin.  To all of you who read my Journal, thank you so much.  You do me so much honor you give me such a huge honor by reading what I write and it means so very much to me.  If I really knew that my death would bring to an end all of the killing and hatred in this world.  I would not have any problem whatsoever dying this very instant.  If my death would actually bring to an end all of the killing and hatred.  And that's not a hollow promise.  Because I would have no problem dying and going back to God.  If doing so would stop humanity from their hatred of each other and all the war in all the killing of all the violence.  But I know that will not happen to the best I can do is to pray.  Which I do several times a day.  Because that's how my life is these days.  Very singular very separate spent mostly in prayer and contemplation and research and trying to be a voice, however small or insignificant for the greater good.

My darling Aileen and God know my soul.  And they know my heart.  And those of you who read my Journal do as well.  And that's enough for me.  So let me get to it.

Thank you so very much for listening.

I'll write later.

See Also:

The mind is like a book. Opened and much is learned. Closed and nothing is learned. (N. Maschke – 1994)

    For the record, I am pro-life . I do not support violence against, or the killing of any human being under any circumstances! In the entire 62 years of my life I have never raised my hands in anger at, or struck a single human being. And the only way that I ever deviate from that stand is that I do not believe that God has ever given any human the right to dictate to any woman how she is to arbitrate her life with the Almighty, and/or God . Therefore, I believe that all women deserve the right to choose for themselves the fate of their own bodies, pursuant to their relationship with the Almighty, and/or God . My position regarding this statement is more fully explained in my article entitled: Second Gear.


    My Statement On Religion

    For the record, I do not now, nor have I ever hated any human being on earth. I do not hate, regarding my spirituality, and spiritual beliefs, anything that the energy that is beyond this world that so many of us call, God, did make. Meaning that I do not hate the “humanity” that exists within any human being. However, God did not make the personal choices that humans make, regarding how they behave, and/or present themselves, to the world. So if a human being chooses, of their own free will to demonstrate their behavior with racism, bigotry, prejudice, and hatred for other humans, on the basis of their own free will choice as to how they define their spirituality within themselves, that is their own choice. So I do not hate any human being for being that which God did make. I hate only the choices and the manner in which humans have decided to demonstrate their behavior to one another. Whereby, as a result of those choices, war and mass murder have all too often been the primary result. I do not hate religion. However, I will never give my support to “any” religion, that has ever caused harm to, or killed, a single human being, in any way, as a result of the religion demonstrating, or manifesting it’s presence in the world. If any religion has ever harmed or killed a single human being, I respect the right of all humans to believe what they want in life. And subsequently, to follow whatever religion they choose. however, I, personally, will under no circumstances give my support for, or to, any religion, or theological belief, that has ever harmed or killed even a single human being. This is what I have dedicated my life to as a spiritualist and a pacifist here on earth. So any attempt by anyone to portray me as hating anyone is a lie. Because that is not so, as the foregoing clearly explains. 


    The mind is like a book. Opened and much is learned. Closed and nothing is learned. (N. Maschke – 1994)

    Further reading:

    My Biographical Profile


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