Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Daily Life - War of the Worlds

7:45 AM, EST:

At the risk of overgeneralizing there are basically two types of people who are mentally ill.  There are those who do fairly well.  That's one group or one type.  And then there are those who do not do very well.  That is the second group or type.  Doing well with mental illness means that you are able to live your life, in one way or another, whereby you are able to exist to 1° or another, comfortably within your own life.  And to do so without self-destructing.  And to do so without basically destroying other lives.

In the group of people who are mentally ill.  They do not do very well they either in the destroying their own life or destroying lives around them or lives that they come in contact with.

No amount of medication or electroshock therapy or anything that anyone else might apply will really resolve anyone's mental illness.  The only thing that anyone who does not have mental illness can do for someone with mental illness is to be a guide or a compass.  But the work on rebuilding the individual's life who has mental illness has to come from within.  They have to do the work.  Meaning they have to understand honesty much more clearly than the normal population.

Because where the normal population might get away with lying to themselves about one thing or another.  If someone with mental illness does that, then they generally don't do very well.  If someone has mental illness and they are not incredibly honest with themselves.  They will either hurt themselves or they will hurt others, whether they like it or not.  So if you have mental illness the very first rule you have to live by is that you will be honest.  Not only with yourself but was everyone.  And the only way that you ever change that particular rule is that there are some things you will not tell other people.  That does not mean you will be dishonest.  It means there is something you will simply not tell others.  Not unless you believe you have the trust necessary to be that honest with those other people.  And like it or not.  These are extremely hard rules.  They are very solid.  They cannot be changed no matter what.  Because if you have mental illness and you change that rule of honesty you will not do very well and in reality your chances of survival decrease dramatically.

Because having mental illness is the invisible disease.  It's the one that cannot be seen.  If the one that people will not see when they look at you.  They will not see your mental illness.  Because the only way they will ever see your mental illness is if you're behavior that you physically demonstrate takes on specific characteristics of something that someone else might recognize as mental illness.  But if you're behavior does not take on those characteristics than the other people looking at you will never see your mental illness.  Because it is the invisible illness.  Because it's all mental.  That's why it's called mental illness.  Because it deals with the mind.  It deals with how the brain that analyzes information and then extrapolates and expands that information from the brain and throughout the entire mind.  And when I say the mind.  For purposes of this article.  The mind is to be defined as the sum total of all of your senses together.  All of your physical senses.  So the mind.  For the purposes of this discussion include all of your five senses and all of those extra senses that we all have that have nothing to do with the five senses.  The mind is the sum total of your physical and semi physical expression.

So when you are mentally ill.  The first thing you learn if you are really serious about understanding your mental illness which many people are not really interested in.  Especially people with mental illness.  Because a lot of the time when someone has a mental illness they are not really concerned very much about understanding their mental illness as much as they are more concerned with getting relief from their mental illness.  But what generally happens over a period of time when someone has mental illness is that they are forced to confront their mental illness and to learn about it and to deal with it.  Because it is a condition that will never go away.  And it is a condition that nobody will ever be able to see.  Not unless the individual demonstrates physically some characteristic or behavioral trait that is identifiable to other people.

So those of us who are mentally ill live with an invisible illness.  We live in the darkness of night.  Because nobody really sees our mental illness and even fewer people understand our mental illness anyone when people do see that we are mentally ill very few understand what we're going through, and even less have any compassion or sympathy for what we are experiencing.

So then it is left up to us.  Those of us who are mentally ill it's left up to us to fix things.  The doctors cannot be counted on our friends and family generally cannot be counted on.  And if you're lucky you will find one person or perhaps to or three in your entire life who will ever really come close to understanding what you are going through.  But if you think you are going to find a huge number of people who will have sympathy or empathy for what you are dealing with, then you are breaking that first rule.  Which is to be honest.  Because, honestly speaking, most people you meet will never understand your mental illness they will never understand what you are going through and even fewer were hardly any will ever have any kind of compassion or sympathy for what you are going through.

And of course I know I'm right.  And there's no one in this world who can say that I'm not right.  Because every 15 min. in the United States alone.  In just one country of this world.  Every 15 min., another child as young as four years old or an adult all the way up into their 60s and 70s become so lost within their own minds that the only thing they can think of doing is to kill themselves.  That's every 15 min., ladies and gentlemen.  So if there really were a lot of people in this world who have a lot of sensitivity to the mentally ill than those numbers would not be that high.  Reality, ladies and gentlemen, fax.  Every 15 min.  So while you are driving to work this morning and listening to the news or listening to the music and feeling great about your life and you're on the highway going to work are going someplace to do your holiday shopping.  Just remember that every single 15 min. that passes another child or adult is becoming so terrified within their own mind that the only thing they can do is to kill themselves.

And how many people really care about that?  I've been mentally ill.  Since I was eight years old.  I've been one form of mental illness or another.  It's all been documented.  I don't have to prove anything to anyone.  The documents of my mental illness scatter this entire country because I lived throughout most of this country.  But I'm not part of the group that is not honest.  I am incredibly honest with myself and I expect absolute honesty from anyone who wishes to be part of my life.  And if they are not honest.  They are not part of my life.  It's not being mean, it's because I have mental illness and if I give up on that one rule if I give in any way.  On that one.  Then I put my life in jeopardy.  So if I have to live by that rule.  So does anyone who has to be part of my life, or who wants to be part of my life.  If I have to live with absolute honesty that anyone who wants to be part of my life has to be absolute honest they have to live by that same rule.  Because if they don't my chances of survival decrease dramatically.

So the world is full of violence.  And the world is full of lying and the right-wing extremists in the different religions are determined to spread hatred and racism and bigotry.  They are determined to tell lies about Mohammed.  Because for any Muslim to believe that Mohammed wanted or supported various forms of violence that is a dirty filthy lie.  Mohammed lived a life of complete abject poverty.  Mohammed was an absolute pacifist.  He did not believe in any form of violence no matter what any Muslim might say that is the fact of the matter.  He was a pacifist.  He did not support violence.  And he also did not support my way or the highway.  He was a peaceful man.  It was a peaceful human being just like Moses just like Jesus.  Just like Buddha.

Humans who have become extremist in their views of these religious or spiritual leaders are the ones responsible for spreading the violence.  Jesus never gave the Catholics the right to form the papal army with the papal army invaded Europe and started the Spanish Inquisition, where millions were murdered.  Jesus never told the Catholics to go into Europe and to commit what has been known and called as the burning times where millions of women were burned alive.  Jesus never told the Catholics to go to the Middle East and slaughter women and children.  Or to put burning torches into the mouths of pregnant women, which was done during the Crusades.

So for any Catholic or Christian to come forward and say that the Bible and God is giving them the right to commit violence is a dirty filthy lie.  Because Jesus never supported violence.  His followers did.  Jesus did not.  And to understand Jesus or to understand Mohammed the very first thing you have to be is a Jew.  Because unless you are a Jew or unless you understand Judaism you will never understand Jesus.  You will never understand Mohammed, because they both started from that religion they came out of that religion.  So for the Catholics to think that they know Jesus simply because they've studied Catholicism means nothing because they know nothing about why Jesus did what he did during his life.  All they know are the interpretations of people who were following Jesus and in reality, a lot of those people were either pagans or they were Jews.  Prior to becoming Catholics.  But to understand Jesus and why he did what he did during his life, you have to understand Judaism, whether you like it or not because he was a Jew.  Catholicism did not even exist and wasn't even named as a religion until Emperor Constantine in Rome renounced paganism.

And when Emperor Constantine renounced paganism the very first act of unconditional love and peace that the followers of Jesus Christ demonstrated was to go through Rome, burning everything they could find to the ground and killing as many men women and children as they possibly could slaughtering them in the streets murdering them in their homes.  That is how the followers of Jesus Christ celebrated unconditional love and the unconditional compassion that Jesus was trying to teach them at the sermon on the mount.  They interpreted unconditional love and compassion as a form of murder.

Honesty, ladies and gentlemen, whether anyone likes it or not honesty.

So the world is basically out of control.  The Muslims hate the Jews.  And the Jews hate the Muslims.  And the Catholics and the Christians hate everyone.  That has been through my entire life.  And in a few weeks I will chronologically be 63 years old.  So for 63 years of my life that has been true.  The Muslims hate the Jews and the Jews hate the Muslims and the Catholics and the Christians hate everyone and everything.

And if that's the kind of world you want.  Congratulations because that's the kind of world you have.  And if you are happy with that kind of hatred.  And that kind of violence and killing and bloodshed.  Then you really don't have any problem in this world.  Because if you don't have any problem with that kind of violence.  You are probably a gun owner and you probably take the attitude that if someone disagrees with you.  You will kill them.  No problem.  And again I know I'm right because all you have to do is read the headlines all over this world regarding domestic violence or violence between friends and you see the same thing every time someone picks up a gun or picks up a weapon and then murders the other.

So congratulations most of the world thinks they know Jesus Christ and yet most of the world knows nothing of Jesus Christ.  Just like most of the world.  Or at least the Muslim world thinks they know Mohammed.  When in reality they don't because if they really understood my mind they would never pick up a weapon.  They would never be violent and the same is true of any Catholic or Christian if you really understood Jesus you would never touch a gun, you would never own a gun, you would never be violent in any way, shape or form.  And the same is true about Jews.  If you really understood the life of Moses you would never pick up a gun, you would never own a weapon.

But everyone in the world thinks they are smarter than the next person.  Everyone in the world has to be better than someone else.  Like rats running in a wheel.  People chase after paper degrees in order to prove to themselves and to each other how much they know.  Countries hate each other.  Because of religious differences or because of points of view regarding culture with the end result being that millions of wonderful and amazing children and brilliant men and women die every year.  Some die as a result starvation others die as a result of violence.  But there's always an excuse.  There's always an excuse why it is okay.  Except those excuses don't really do very much for the people who might love the person who just died or who was just murdered those excuses don't do a damn thing for them.  And so they either learn how to deal with the loss of the one they love or did become angry and violent or they think all sorts of things, most of which don't do anything for them or anyone else.

And so people in the world think that the world is really not doing very badly.  The rich get all the money they want thinking that the money is really making them better when in reality in the last few hours of life none of that dirty filthy money means a damn thing.  Their station in life doesn't mean anything.  They are not better than anyone else their money doesn't mean crap because in those last hours of life that amount of life they have left isn't about their money.  It isn't about where they were born or who they were in their life.  Because in those last hours of life the only thing that matters is what's going on inside not how they appear to others.

And yet the world chases after money.  And after all those paper degrees trying to make themselves better than other people trying to prove how much they know.  When in reality the sum total of what all humanity knows is but a pinprick of all knowledge.  For any human in this world to believe that they know everything is for that human to actually be so stupid that they really in reality, no nothing.  Because humanity is not the sum total of knowledge.  Earth is not the central point of all knowledge in the universe.  For any human to think that Earth is the sum total of all knowledge or that they know everything for any human to think that is for them to basically be so stupid that they would never ever recognize that not only is knowledge, infinite just like the universe but that there is so much knowledge beyond what this world can't even comprehend that just because they cannot understand it does not mean it does not exist.

So the wealthy are happy that they have everything and that they can to screw everyone they don't like and a lot of Christians and Catholics call themselves pro-life while they justify various forms of cruelty and murder, which is why one of the favorite songs the Catholics and Christians saying is onward Christian soldiers.  Because that's how they define their religion within their souls as soldiers for Christ.  That's what the song onward Christian soldiers.  It is all about.  Being in our me for Jesus Christ.  Being an army for God.  Which of course makes no sense seeing as how Jesus did not support any form of violence.

But that's the way the world is that's what the world loves.  And if the world didn't love violence, then there would not be violence in the world.  I mean if human this were really fed up with violence that humans would not allow violence to exist.  And even though there is a huge section of humanity that doesn't like violence at all.  The other section of humanity that does like violence looks at those who do not like violence and they call the mentally ill.  Even know most of the people who do not like violence are not mentally ill.  And I happen to know that's true because I am mentally ill and being mentally ill.  I am one of the population of the mentally ill.  And when you are mentally ill.  You are not like the rest of the normal population.  Because the normal population can't see mental illness.  But when you are mentally ill.  You can.

And it's not something you see with your eyes it's something that you see with those other senses that you have the do not only include the five senses, but those extra senses.  And the mentally ill use those extra senses because we have to if we don't use those extra senses then we are not going to achieve the level of honesty that we need within our own lives in order to survive as best as possible.  So we are able to recognize within the mentally ill community who in fact is mentally ill and who is not.

Which then means that most of the warmongering Catholics and Christians and Muslims and Jews who have become soldiers for God.  Soldiers for Christ.  Soldiers from a hominid.  Soldiers work Moses.  Soldiers for David.  All these violent people using religion as an excuse to commit their violence.  When they look at us who are not violent.  They immediately call us crazy or say that we are mentally ill, which of course is not true.  Because the people who are generally violent are not suffering from mental illness except for a certain percentage of them.  But the ones who are not mentally ill and still are subscribing to violence looking at us who are not violent.  They immediately call us crazy or mentally ill.  But you can't see mental illness.  So they are just saying that nasty kind of remark because of their hatred and their violence.

And they are happy to go forward screaming and yelling how they are soldiers for Christ they are soldiers for God onward Christian soldiers marching as to war with the cross of Jesus going on before, and they kill and they murder and they start wars just like the Muslims.  Just like the Jews all doing the same thing screaming and yelling about how they are soldiers for God or soldiers Frau law.  It doesn't matter because the end result is that lots of people are murdered lots of people dying that's what the violence does it murders children kills women destroys families destroys the world.

But that's what so many in this world really want.  And they make all sorts of excuses why it's okay to do exactly what they are doing.  No problem.  Congratulations.  You wanted the world filled with bloodshed and violence would children being burned alive women being slaughtered and that's exactly the kind of world you have which means you don't have any room to complain because you made the world that way you wanted the world that way you wanted the world to have a certain number of wealthy who could crush the rest of humanity.  Because that's what the wealthy do they take as much money away from everyone as they possibly can.  They make themselves out to be better than anyone.  When in reality in those final hours of life they are better than no one.  But while they have their money.  They think they are better than everyone.  And that's not the only criteria because we have political figures throughout the world who feel they are better than everyone else.  We have musical artists who feel they are better than everyone else.  We of philosophers and scientists who think they are better than everyone else.  We have religious idiots all over this world who think they know the mind of God.  Which is ridiculous because the of God is infinite it's impossible for any human being to know the mind of God.  And yet most people are so stupid that they actually believe when people say they know the mind of God.

For 5 min. in 1968 at 12:02 AM on September 1 and that's 5 min. in Earth time.  Because the amount of time that I was dead on the other side of the veil was actually a lot longer than 5 min.  But that's how much time elapsed in Earth time.  And so for those 5 min. I stood in front of what everyone calls God or Allah.  And ever since that happened, hardly anyone has believe it ever took place.  Because I'm not good enough in their own minds to have tested their so they immediately dismiss it.  And they call me a liar when those closest to me know that it actually happened when I know what I saw when I know what I have lived in my life yet everyone else wants to come forward and tell me that I'm lying when in reality the doctors and nurses who were present at the time knows that what I am saying is true.  Because it happened.

So even though I stood right there in front of God or Allah as you might call it.  I never said, and I have never said in my entire life that I know the mind of God.  Because what I saw was so infinite and so huge and beyond human comprehension that I would be a complete moron.  If I ever said I knew the mind of God.  And yet all over this world.  We have idiots who claim to know the mind of God and the best thing that they can do is become rich and selfish and mean or they can build guns and make war and be is violent and hateful to each other as possible.  That's the best they can do because that's the kind of world you have.

Every 15 min. in the United States children and adults are becoming so confused and lost in their own minds and so terrified within themselves that the only thing they can do is to take their own life to kill themselves.

Every 30 seconds in the United States alone another woman is being beaten or raped or murdered.  With 78% of those crimes being done by pro-life Christians.  And we know that's true because 78% of the American population is Christian.

Every 20 min. in the United States another child as either sexually assaulted or abused.

Every minute throughout the world 25 children are starving to death.

Every minute throughout the world 25 more children are being murdered.

Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, that is the world you have.  No amount of human rights efforts will ever change that.  No amount of money will ever stop all of those murders.  All those crimes taking place.  Every country and every religion has all sorts of justifications for why it's okay to kill others.  But those justifications did not come from Moses or Mohammed or Jesus or Buddha.  Because none of those four individuals in the human condition whether they were completely human are not.  None of those four individuals ever supported any form of violence.  That is a fact.  You could see it in what they wrote.  You can see it in how they lived their lives.  So for any of the followers of those four individuals to be violent in any way is not only really stupid.  And primitive.  But for them to attempt to say that they are violent, as a result of Buddha or Muhammad or Moses or Jesus is not only stupid, but it's a dirty filthy lie.  Because none of them were violent they were all pacifists.

So that's the kind of world you have.  A world filled with killing and murder a world where every 15 min. in the United States alone.  The level of hatred and racism and bigotry and evil that humanity has allowed into the world is literally destroying people's minds to the point where every 15 min.  It child become so terrified within themselves that all they can do is to take their own life.  And most people in the world don't even give a damn.

Because of the world really cared then you would see a lot more in the news about children taking their own lives at the world really gave a damn, the new stations throughout the world would not make excuses for not putting up suicide hotline numbers they would put up and shut up and put up suicide hotline numbers to give an individual that momentary chance to not go through with killing themselves.  But the world doesn't care.  The world doesn't give a damn whether someone blows their brains out or jumps in front of a train or jumps off a building.  Because the world doesn't care about killing and murder.  Because the world is become used to killing and murder the world is become happy with the level of killing and murder that is taking place.  Because the world is doing nothing to stop the killing and the murdering.

So congratulations.  Humanity needs to be congratulated.  When humanity first started living communally in the world.  There were lots and lots of animals all over this planet and the environment was really fairly clean.  And in the amount of time humanity is lived in the world humanity is destroyed most of the animal species in the world and humanity has basically contributed or is responsible for so much dirt and filth in this world that the world is basically falling apart as a result of all the crap humanity has done to the world.  But don't expect humanity to be really honest with themselves about it because the only people who are really honest with themselves and the world other than those who actually subscribe to honestly.  Other than the really honest people of which there are many in the world.  The only other people who are really honest with themselves I those who are mentally ill.  Because of we are not honest with ourselves we die.

So tell yourselves all the lies you want to continue the killing continue the wars continue the hating no big deal.  You only have to look at history to see that what is happening right now has happened many many times before the current level of cultures nation.  Humanity is already destroyed itself many times before 2013 or whenever humanity finally gets to the point where the current level of cultures nation finally caves in on itself and humanity must then start over.

So be happy for what you've done.  You wanted a world filled with violence.  You want a world where you could justify the killing and the murdering of women and the killing and murdering of children and the destruction of countries and the destruction of governments and cultures where you could burn children alive and she will women dad and kill them and cut them open and take their child.  You wanted a world where you could be as dishonest as you possibly wanted to you wanted a world where everyone would have to be better than someone else, we just couldn't live in peace with each other.  So don't be upset when that's the world you have because that's the world you wanted.  That's the world.  You made and if you don't have the guts to take responsibility for what you have done in those last hours of life you probably aren't going to do real well.  Because in those last hours of life whether the normal population likes it or not, that's when you have to be honest.  Because there is no other option at that point.

So go ahead hate us who are mentally ill hate anyone you want to continue justifying all the killing.  Please do.  You're doing a great job of doing exactly that.  All over this world.  We have complete morons who are political and religious who are doing nothing but justifying all the hatred and all the killing and all the violence we have whole organization to thrive on the violence.  No problem.  You wanted a world.  You could turn into a toilet and now that you have one you're not happy with what you've done because you realize what you did is not what you wanted and you don't know how to change things.  Even know the explanation is right in front of you.

So you will in this world.  Meaning humanity will continue the violence and the hatred and the killing and the money grabbing and the selfishness and agreed and everyone will rush around trying to be better than the next person would most of the normal people in the world.  Having no sensitivity whatsoever or understanding whatsoever of those of us who are mentally ill.  Just like most of the Catholics and Christians have no concept of why Jesus did what he did during his life because they are not Jews.  They don't understand Judaism they don't want to understand Judaism even know their Lord and Savior died for being a Jew.

And what will happen is that the world will get to a certain place where the violence was simply cave back and on humanity.  Just like it has before.  Cultures will be ruined.  Millions will die and then humanity will start all over again being just as deluded.  Just as stupid and then they will build all of their cultures all over again.  Then they will be just as arrogant just as selfish just as singular just as hateful and just as violent.  Humanity will continue being deluded thinking they know everything.  When that's not only physically impossible.  It's intellectually impossible at least as human beings because if you read the new everything in the universe.  Not only would your brain explode.  But you would not be human anymore.  And even though I stood right in front of everything that makes everything in the universe for approximately 5 min. don't ever think I know everything.  Because I don't I saw more than most humans will ever see in 10 lifetimes, but I did not see everything and I did not learn everything and I don't know everything, but I did stand exactly where I said and it does not make me better than anyone I have never wanted to be.  So I have never been so and I will never be so.

But humanity is different most people in this world rush around trying to be better than the next person.  Because they think that's how they can get through life that unless they are better than someone else they just won't get what they want.  But that's not how you have to go through life.  It's how the world is set up which is why most people end up being like rats in a wheel whether constantly chasing themselves in order to be better because the world demands that companies demand that religions demand that families demand that political groups demand that governments demand that but you have to be better nothing you do is good enough because you have to be better.  But that wasn't talk to you by God.  You taught yourselves to do that.  So if you blame God for that kind of crap in your life you are making a mistake.  Because you are the one who made that choice to become a rat in a wheel God did not put you there.

But don't believe me.  Please don't believe me.  Over time you will see that I like others like me all through history.  Millions and millions of people.  Some extremely famous some you never heard of.  We've all been saying the same thing.  And you really have never really paid attention, because if you did you would not have the level of killing and murder and violence in the world that you have.  So it's obvious that you don't want to hear what we have to say it's obvious that you don't want to pay attention.  It's obvious that you don't really give a damn what the humanity survives are not because if you did love the violence, then there would be no violence.

And in the space of one hour because it is now 8:45 AM.  In that amount of time for people have just killed themselves.  How many of you care?  How many of you give a damn?  How many of you care but for people just took their own life?  Don't tell me how much you care.  Show me.  I'm mentally ill.  I don't want to hear your words.  I want to see your actions.  If you want to convince me that you care.  Show me.  Don't tell me.  Because in that our for people just took their own life.  Now many of you give a damn about that?  And I'm not talking to those of you who are my regular readers I'm not talking about any of you who actually do care about me and are reading my Journal because you do care about me.  But again, I'm not stupid.  I know there are some of you that read me.  Because you hate some talking to those of you who hate me and I'm talking to those of you who may be reading this Journal for the first time and yet you subscribed to certain forms of violence.  So how many of you really give a damn that in one hour for people just took the wrong life?

You who are my regular readers don't ever doubt that I am tremendously honored that you find my Journal worthy of you to read.  Because I have always felt that was a tremendously serious and high honor and it is one that I do take very seriously and I'm very gratified and grateful that there are people who actually read what I write and think what I write has value.  That means a lot.  But the fact still remains that in this one hour that I've been talking for people just killed themselves.  That, ladies and gentlemen is mental illness.

That is why when you are mentally ill, you only have two choices.  You are either honest with yourself or you die.  Those are your two choices.

When my darling Aileen was alive.  I always had to be afraid of almost everything.  I had to be afraid that some employer might find out that I was a Jew.  Because if they did.  If they found out I was Jewish Aileen would be fired because that's the kind of world that you wanted.  That's the kind of world we have.

But when Aileen died.  The rules of the game changed.  No one could fire Aileen anymore.  No one could hate her anymore because she was married to a Jew or married to me.  So now she was and still is for the first time in her life actually safe.  She can't be subjected to any more of your bigotry and your hatred and your racism and all of your ugly horrible treatment of each other.  She's now safe she's with God.

So now I don't have any fear.  I don't hear a damn thing.  Because the worst thing that can happen to me is that someone will kill me.  And when they do I will go back to God.  And then I will go into the arms of my darling Aileen.  And I don't have a problem with that at all.  So I don't look for death.  But I'm not afraid of death.  And I'm not afraid of anyone or anything anymore.  And of anyone to read the group wants to test that out.  Please do.  I'm not that hard to find if some group or some individual does not want me in the world.  No problem.  I'm right here all you have to do is bring a gun income and kill me if you think I'm going to fight you off.  You don't know me I am a pacifist.  I might put up my hand to prevent a below.  But I will never strike back.  I will never let my hands in anger against anyone.  I will never be violent to anyone.  I might raise my voice if I lose my temper.  But I will never hate anyone.  Because I never have.

And if anyone thinks they are so much better than everyone else that they want to try and make me hate someone no problem.  Give it your best shot do whatever you want, because you will not succeed you will not make me have hatred.  You will not make me lower myself to the level of violence that this world subscribes to.  Because I'm mentally ill and above all I have to be honest with myself.  Because if I am not I will die.

So go ahead and make the world as ugly as you want destroy everything in the world of that's really what you want to do.  Ignores the thousands and thousands of people in the US alone children and adults, who are becoming so confused and terrified every 15 min.  One of them is killing themselves.  Go ahead and continue to make more wars and more violence and build more guns and make more bombs.  Keep on with all of your hatred and all of your wars and all of your conflicts keep making everyone out.  Like someone has to be better than someone else.  It's not my problem.  You're the ones that have to live with that.  Not me.  I have to live with me.  I don't have to live with the world.  You made.  Because I choose where I go I choose who I interact with I choose how I live my life.  And I live the life of a pacifist.  So I respect every single brilliant men and women in the armed services here in the United States, because it takes a lot of courage to make that choice to dedicate your life to be willing to die to defend others.  That is a very courageous choice and I respect every single man and woman in the military for making that really an and courageous choice.  And I'm very grateful for the service that they give just like I am to police officers and firefighters.  But don't expect me to thank you for the violence or to support your violence, because I never will.  I am a pacifist.  I do not support violence.

It of anyone doesn't like that.  No problem, and kill me.  Because I don't care.  I might've cared before Aileen died.  I don't anymore.  As I said, the rules of the game have changed.

I'll even go further.  I have to go out today to pick up a few things for the house.  So if you hate me.  No problem.  Just driving your car find me wherever I am and kill me.  I will care.  When I leave this house.  My computer system is completely locked up so that no one can even get into my computer system.  In addition to the house.  Because every time I leave my house.  I am prepared to be killed.  That's how I live my life.  That's how I have always lived my life.  Whether that is sadder not doesn't bother me.  I a made Jew in a nation of 78% Christians.  So you can trust me when I say that every time I have ever left where I was living.  I was prepared to be killed because I am one of the minorities in this nation I'm actually one of the minorities.  That's hated the most.  No problem.

So when I go out today if any of you want to kill me.  Take your best shot.  Because I'm ready.  I don't have a problem going to God.  Because I've been mentally ill my whole life and I am part of that group that is absolutely honest with themselves no matter what because I know I have to be.  Because if I'm not I die.

So I will try to do more news stories today.  Not because I am anything special because I'm not.  I'm just one human being out of 7 billion in the world and in reality I'm one of the least important human beings in the world.  I have mental illnesses.  Right off the bat that makes me fairly invisible to most people and very hard for most people to understand.  Because mental illnesses the invisible disease.  It's not one that can be easily seen and when I'm out.  Nobody can see that I'm mentally ill.  Because most people don't even look.  And even if they did most people don't even care.  Which is okay because like I said I'm part of the group that's really and totally and completely honest with themselves.  Which means I'm part of the group that will survive.  Because when you're not honest with yourself and your mentally ill.  That's when your chances of survival decrease dramatically.

Sue gone with your hatred and your killing and all of the mistreatment that you are doing to each other and justify it any way you want with the wealthy getting more money in the poor.  Continuing to be screwed.  Even know Jesus lived a life of poverty and that's okay.  Catholics believe that Jesus wants them to screw the poor Christians feel the same way.  That's why the Republicans who call themselves good Christians are doing everything they can to crush the poor steal from the poor destroyed for because their Lord and Savior was poor.  So naturally in their own minds the only way they can think of is celebrating the life of Jesus Christ, who lived a life of poverty is to a poverty so badly that they kill and destroy anyone who lives in poverty.

No problem continue to delude yourselves all you want.  Because you are part of the normal population you have that luxury of being able to lie to yourselves.  You have that luxury of being able to kid yourselves and make up excuses for your behavior.  Because you're not mentally ill, because when you're mentally ill.  You don't have that luxury.  You don't have that excuse because if you make excuses for yourself and you are not honest with yourself.  You die.  That's the rule.  If you don't believe me ask anyone who's mentally ill and you'll see that's true.  We have to be incredibly honest with ourselves or we don't survive.  You in the normal world don't have to do that.  You can lie to yourselves.  You can cheat each other.  You could steal from each other.  You can make yourselves out to be better than each other.  You can do all sorts of things and get away with it because you're not mentally ill your brains in your mind are not always in a position where they have to challenge yourself on every single thing you see and experience because that's what you do when you are mentally ill.  You have to check every single thing that you experience because as someone who's mentally ill.  If you don't do that.  You will never know if what you are experiencing is real or not.  Because the tendency of dilution is so much greater.  When you are mentally ill than it is when you are normal.

So go ahead lied yourselves like you do every day justify all the killing all the stealing all the hatred all of the selfishness and agreed make yourselves out.  Like you are better than each other and after a certain amount of time culture will progress to a point where your violence and your ugliness will get so huge that you simply to take yourselves out.  Like you have so many times before and if the Earth needs to fix itself humanity will probably would drawing dictates or something like that.  And the Earth will stabilize and then humanity will come out of the caves and humanity will build the world again.  So that they can destroy it all over again just like humanity has done all through human history.  No problem.  It's just a little sad that in all the times you have destroyed humanity and destroyed the world that you haven't really learned much.  Because of you learned anything.  Then you wouldn't be so keen and so eager on continuing to kill each other.  Which pretty much shows that you don't really care about killing each other and you haven't really learned much.  Because if you had you wouldn't be killing each other.  You wouldn't be hating each other.  You wouldn't be violent to each other.  You wouldn't try to make yourselves better than each other.  But you do.  And don't blame me for that.  It's not my fault.  I didn't make you the way you are you made yourselves that way.  And I'm nothing to this world.  You can bank on that I don't even mean anything to my own family.  So how but I mean anything to most of you.

Like I said, when you're mentally ill.  You don't have any choice anymore.  You are either honest with yourself or you die.

And that doesn't even come close to dealing with physical things I have going on in my body where five fall down and I hit my back.  I die instantly.  That's my reality.  With my spinal fusion comprising the top 12 thoracic vertebrae and with my spine still having a 35° lateral right shift in the spine and my hips having been fused to my spine.  If I fall down and hit the ground where my back hits the ground.  I either will die instantly or I will die within a couple of days.  That's my reality whether I like it or not, that is how I have to live my life.  So every time I walk out of my door.  I am prepared to die or I am prepared to be killed or murdered or attacked or hated which is why I do everything in my power to be as loving and as kind to every single soul I meet because I refuse to be part of the ugly hatred that this world thrives on what the violence that.  This world seems to need so desperately.

I have never been one to follow the masses or the group.  I'm a pacifist and unfortunately I'm a pacifist in the world that hates pacifism.  But that's not your problem.  That's mine.

So here a little while I will spend about 10 min.  Getting dressed.  Because it takes me about 10 min. just to get dressed to be able to walk around.  Normally.  That's true.  The matter what time of year it is the matter what the weather is outside.  And when I leave my home everything will be completely locked.  The computer my home.  Everything is secured.  Because when I leave my home.  I never leave my home believing that I will arrive home safely.  Because I mentally ill and above all I have to be honest with myself and I know the level of hatred.  There is in the world.  I have experienced it all my life.  Which is why when I see someone actually being kind to me out in the world.  I'm so extremely grateful I am surprised at the same time.  So I always leave my home being prepared to die or to be killed because I mentally ill and I'm very honest I'm absolutely honest no matter what in everything I do.  Because if I'm not honest being mentally ill.  I die.

And again I have to do this because every 15 min.  One of my brothers or sisters those who are mentally ill every 15 min.  One of them takes their own life.  What no one reaching out to stop them when no one reaching out to ask them to please not do that with no one reaching out to help them because most of the world doesn't even care because it's happening every 15 min. and there's always an excuse of the world has to not look at those who are suffering.  There's always an excuse for people to have cannot see the mental illness of someone else's suffering with because the world is become that's selfish and that arrogant that we don't even care.  But if you want to see the face of those who are dying ask yourself how I feel.  Ask yourselves how I feel, knowing that every 15 min., another one of my brothers or sisters is killing themselves and that no one is reaching out to stop the ask yourselves how I feel.

So I've tried my best and 63 years to convince you that there is another way of living and most of you have found it all too easy to laugh at me and call me stupid.  And that's okay.  At least it is okay until you ask yourselves how you think I feel, knowing that every 15 min., another one of my brothers and sisters is killing themselves.  And when you look at how I must feel knowing that then you probably won't find it so easy to laugh at me and call me stupid in fact most of you will end up crying because that's what I do almost every single second inside my soul I cry for my brothers and sisters the ones who are dying every 15 min.  Just like I cry for the millions and millions of women who are dying every 30 seconds.  Just like I cry for all those who are losing their life as a result of all of the arrogance, selfishness and the greed and the violence that the for religions are promoting because they all hate each other so badly that they are willing to destroy the world and to destroy each other.  Just so that they can say they were right.

So there's no point in me turning off my GPS.  I'm too easy to find I'm too easy of a target because I don't want fast because I can't walk fast.  The matter how badly I want to.  I cannot walk fast.  Not because my legs are weak, but because my hips are fused to my spine.  And they are just as arthritic as my hands so were my hands have trouble using a mouse and keyboard my hips have trouble walking forward and there is no cure because the only way they could fix my hips is if they were to break my back again because they would have to break my back to fix either of my hips and at age 63, if they do that my chances of survival practically don't exist.  So they can't do anything to help me walk better or faster because there's no way for anyone to fix my hips.  And because the world is so greedy and arrogant I'm important to no one.  There's no one in the world that considers me important in any way.  There's no one really cares about me.  I know that because I mentally ill and above all I have to be honest with myself no matter what.  So I am absolutely honest and being absolutely honest, I know for a fact that there's no one in my own family that I was adopted into who gives a damn about whether I live or die.  Just like I don't have any friends really that live here in Cleveland because most of my friends are around the world and around this country.  But they are not here in Cleveland.  So if I die when I'm out walking today no one will care that's being honest.

So that is how I live my life.  Knowing that I mean basically nothing to this world.  I am nothing to this world.  And that's fine.  I was lucky enough in my life to find one person who actually valued me.  But she died.  And now I carry on alone in her name.  And most people don't even understand me most people don't even care.  And that's perfectly okay because in actuality I'm doing a lot better than my brothers and sisters who are mentally ill.  By the end of today, a lot of them will be dad.  Because one of them is killing themselves every 15 min.  That's a lot of people killing themselves every day.  But that's the actual statistic, ladies and gentlemen, every 15 min.

Sophie hate me you will be able to find me because I walk slow because I can't walk fast.  When I go to the store it's not a 10 min. trip it takes me two hours at the very least, and sometimes three hours.  And when I get home I'm usually pretty tired.  But what's amazing is.  I have met so many wonderful people.  When I am out walking.  I meet so many amazing people that when I get home I am so filled with joy.  Because I realize that no matter how much humanity may hate itself and thrive on killing and violence that there is enough of humanity that will be left after all of the violence that goodness will still be in the world.  It just may not be the largest part of the world.

So as you're driving to work or as you were sitting in front of your computer having your coffee or relaxing who knows what you are doing.  But whatever it is as you're sitting there reading these words.  Remember in the next 15 min., another one of my brothers or sisters will die.  They will kill themselves.  And there won't be anyone they are reaching out to help them there will be no one there talking to them.  There will be no one there offering a kind word there will be no one they are telling them or asking them begging them to please not do it.  And then they will be gone.  And whoever they knew whoever was close to them will have their entire life changed.  All because of indifference and disregard because mental illnesses that invisible illness that nobody sees you can see, mental illness see you can see when someone else is in trouble unless you are mentally ill.  Because when you are.  You know those characteristics because you fight against them in your own life.  Every second.
Think about it, ladies and gentlemen so many of you have really wonderful lives lives are full of family and full of all sorts of wonderful things this.  We don't have to claw and scratch for just a little bit of food or to survive most of you have really amazing lives.  So it's hard for you unless you see it on TV to understand or even get close to in your own mind what it must be like for children who are dying in the darkness screaming and begging for someone to pick them up to hold them to be able to feel a heartbeat.  And then in the next 2 seconds they are dead.

Everyone loves to think how wonderful the world is but the reality is that for a lot of us.  The world may in fact be wonderful but a huge number of us still end up dead.  Every few minutes.  The matter how wonderful the world may be some of us will never really find out how wonderful the world could be because they will no longer be in the world.

And because I am as honest as I am most people have a hard time being around me because I do not put up with lying.  Because I cannot put up with it in myself.  Because if I do.  I die and most people don't understand that because they can't see my mental illness they can't see any of the damage I have in my body because I'm not one that likes to demonstrate the imperfections I have to live with.  So the only thing they see about me is my limp.  That's all they say.  They see me limping along and they probably think that I'm some old drunk but I don't matter to this world and they're probably right.  But I have always felt in my heart.  Ever since I was a small child that God will not allow the smallest sparrow to fall to the ground.  Then why should we as God's creation do any less?

When you are mentally ill or you are disabled the world looks a lot different to you than it does to a lot of other people because the world becomes incredibly beautiful because you realize you now have limitations you did not have before.  So that the things that you are able to do you really take a lot of joy and.  Like when I am out walking.  Most people walk by me very quickly because their legs work better.  So I find joy where I can I find joy in every single thing I look at.  I find joy in every breath I take, and whether it's mental illness or a deeper sense of spirituality.  I can feel my darling Aileen with me in every step I take.  And I am grateful to God that I am allowed to feel that because in a world that is full of violence and hatred.  At least I have the one who I love and who has loved me, who has found value in me even though she is on the other side of the veil.  I have heard by my side.  So that even if I do not reach home and someone kills me when I am out.  At least I will go having her by my side and I will no that when I die I go back to God and into the arms of my darling Aileen.

So hate me if you want.  Laugh at me if you think I'm funny call me stupid, you worthless call me a jerk anyone of 1000 different names and terms.  You have used against me and on me over my life.  No problem.  I'm used to hearing that I have heard it from my own parents.  My own family feels that I'm nothing but a jerk, among other names.  No problem my darling Aileen love to me she loved me for me being me.  And that's something that's really hard for most people to do they can't love me for me they love me for what they want me to be but they don't love me for me.  That's where Aileen was different she never allowed to me for what I could the she loved me for me.

I wonder how many amazing people.  I will meet today.  It's incredible.  Every time I'm out walking.  It's absolutely amazing.  I look into someone's face and I can see that light not with the eyes.  But the light is there.  It's an incredible light.  It's brighter in some places than in others.  But it's always there, just like I can see that light in trees and flowers and holding us.  Just like out of the corner of my eye as I am whistling I will see a driver at a stoplight and instead of looking at me like they are looking down at me or down their nose at me they will in fact be smiling and when I see them doing that.  I know that my whistling has done something more than to give me peace of mind.  It's made someone else smile.

So I wonder how many amazing people.  I will meet today.  Because every time I go out walking.  I always meet the most incredible people because I can't walk fast.  I have to walk slowly.  I don't have any choice and that's no big deal.  Because every single minute brilliant and amazing and wonderful children and absolutely incredible men and women all over this world are dying.  And I always feel so sad.  Because we as humanity are losing whatever potential they might have because they are no longer part of the world.  And I wonder how many of us really care that we are losing the souls.  We all get so caught up in our own lives in our own self-report choice.  So I always wonder how many of us are really aware of the substantial loss that we all suffer when any of these souls leaves this world.

Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will kill me when I'm out today and I say lucky because like I said, if I die I go back to God and into the arms of my darling Aileen and then I am no longer part of this monstrous and violent equation at humanity calls life on earth.  But probably won't get that lucky.  So I will model we will make it home to keep going on one step at a time because I can't really do anything fast anymore.  When I do an article here in my Journal it takes time because I have to talk.  I can't write.  I can barely use the keyboard anymore.  So what compared to what other people are dealing with I've got nothing to complain about.  So I don't mention these things because I'm complaining about them.  I mention them so that you will understand what my life is really like.  It's not what you may think I'm not what you may think.  Because writing human rights articles is not writing about me.  It's writing about the world and it's not really the kind of writing that I enjoy, but it's kind of writing I do, because I feel so deeply the loss when one of my brothers and sisters dies it's just how I am.  And maybe that makes me stupid.  Maybe it makes me worthless because I feel so badly for them dying but I will let God be the judge of that I already know how most humans feel I've heard it most of my life.

And it is now 20 December.  So in five days.  It will be Christmas.  And five days later.  I'll be 63.  And I'm not planning any kind of celebration for Christmas or my birthday there's no one that will be coming over because I have no friends and family.  I don't have anyone that gives a damn about me at least living here in Cleveland.  I don't.  So I will spend a quiet Christmas.  I will watch funny movies and I will meditate and I will stay to myself because being mentally ill.  That's what I do.  Whenever I have negative or dark thoughts where I think I don't want to continue I meditate I re-center myself and I realize that the life.  You are given is a gift.  It is meant to be used is meant to be lived.  It is not meant to be wasted or abused.  So that I meditate which is why I do so several times a day because I do have those kinds of struggles being mentally ill were several times a day.  I struggle with wanting to continue.  And when those struggles become more visible within my own consciousness.  Then I meditate I step back and I meditate because I'm honest with myself because I have to be being mentally ill.  You are either honest with yourself or you die.

All of my brothers and sisters the matter where you are in this world struggling with various forms of mental illness.  Please know how much I love you I love you so much and I know you struggle and if you are thinking of hurting yourself today I'm begging you.  Please don't.  If you see these sorts please don't contact.  Please give yourself a chance.  Don't give up.  The matter how much you feel like you should please, please don't give up.

Perhaps when you read what I'm writing here.  What I'm saying as I talk.  Perhaps the next time you look into someone's face, you might see something remarkable.  You might not only see that light but you might also see if they are mentally ill.  And if you do you just never know you might feel something in your heart where you will reach out and with a single word you might just save their life.

You can do it with everyone I said hello to a young lady a few days ago who was in a state of complete turmoil and she almost exploded.  I knew the science I could see the damage inside of her.  So I simply kept walking.  But I'm still very concerned for her.  She's a younger lady in her 20s.  And she is so much in turmoil and conflict that anyone seeing her nose.  She's going to end up in a very dark place and your chances of survival are probably not that good.  But that's not the typical of those of us who are mentally ill.  Because most of us believe it or not, are far more afraid of you than you are of us.

So when you're out today and you are shopping or running errands or going from one place to another.  Take an extra second.  That's all it takes just one extra second to look into someone's face and you'll see it only takes one word to save someone's life.  That's all just one single word of kindness why is that so hard?  Humanity has so much potential and yet every 15 min.  They die.  Why?  Is this really the best we can do?

Like I said to all of you who are my brothers and sisters who suffer if you have those dark thoughts today.  Please for the love of God for the level of yourself don't do it.  The matter how badly you feel I'm taking you with all my heart.  Please don't do it please you may think no one else will cry for you.  But I will because I could see your value even though I'm not there and you do have value give yourself a chance please.

Thank you all so very much for listening.

I'll write later.

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