Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Daily Life - Dialogues and Procedures

8:57 PM, EST:

A lot of very interesting things happened today.  For one, the specialized undergarments.  But I'm actually wearing are nylons or more specifically, control top nylons.  Now what's really interesting about this is that because of the control top, the nylons are actually acting like a truss.  With regard to my double hernia.  And I didn't want to talk about it sooner because I wanted to give this thesis or theory a proper test.  Which I did today.  After analyzing the weight of what I was actually carrying.  It came to just a little over 80 pounds.  And that is interesting.

I have two backpacks.  One is what is called a high Sierra backpack where the shoulder straps are positioned in such a way so that the yoke which is the space between the straps at the top, position the backpack with the high Sierra higher on the back of closer toward the collarbones and more directly right between the shoulder blades.

The other pack is basically a book bag.  However, the straps are what are called cutaway straps.  Where they don't go directly forward.  But actually cutaway to the side and thereby position the backpack just below the shoulder blades.  And as a result, the weight then is more evenly distributed on the collarbones.  And we have this second backpack I believe I could probably carry about 110 pounds.  Perhaps 125.  Because the use of these control top nylons actually is providing a number of resolutions two different problems.

First of all the nylons of course are adding micro pressure to my legs thereby improving circulation as I'm walking which then of course adds more fluid to the joints and also of course improve circulation.  Secondly, they are in fact applying micro pressure to the upper portion of my sciatic nerve at the top of the thigh that actually is working in conjunction with my double bar and the brace that I wear on my left knee to minimize any sciatic reaction that I might have as I'm walking.  Then of course.  Thirdly, the control top portion of the nylons in conjunction with the growing section of the nylons is actually again with micro pressure, acting like a truss.  And at the same time maintaining a kind of firmness whereby everything in the groin region basically stays right in place without any real movement.

So carrying about 80 pounds or at least a little bit over 80 pounds for about 1 mile the control top nylons did exactly what I thought they would do.  They acted like a truss and actually held in the hernia.  Meaning the double hernia.  And as a result my stride was able to be executed without the double hernia moving.  And judging on how my body responded I could say that I probably could carry about 110 to perhaps 120 or 125 pounds.

See the other side of the equation when you are carrying a backpack is that the back back of course is resting on your collarbones and that really is perfect.  Because your collarbones of course are triangular.  And in geometry the triangle is the strongest structure known on Earth.  Because it is that perfect three sided structure that is basically unbreakable.  So of the two designs the book bag with the cutaway straps positioning the backpack just at the bottom of the shoulder blades.  Meaning that is actually where the center of the weight of the backpack is located is just about right.

And because I have worked out all these other details regarding securing supplies and setting up traveling routes.  I now have all the mechanisms in place where I can actually maintain this house using the backpack.  And of course my cart and do so with virtually no problem whatsoever.  Because I purchased a few other elements that I was going to need while I was out.  One which is a collapsible umbrella which can fit right inside the backpack.  And the book bag actually has a rather large water bottle holder on the side of the backpack which again increases its functionality over the high Sierra pack.

And because I'm now doing more regular walking the physiological benefits are beginning to kick in.  My weight is coming down and my legs are building strengths where the only weakness is in my knees and of course my hips.  But the hips are only really a problem if I have to try and sit down and then get back up.  But with the nylons the stiffness in the knees is actually being decreased because of the micro pressure of the nylons on the knee joints along with that double bar in the brace I'm wearing on my left knee.  Whereby as a result my stride is becoming a lot more normal.  And the potential sciatic reaction or reactions are actually minimized.

So now I have pretty much everything in place.  Because next week.  It's going to get really cold.  But people around here don't know me as well as people around the country do.  Because people out West, who have known me pretty much all of my life.  Know that I have walked and actually camped when I was a mountain climber at temperatures where the standing temperature was between 30 and 40° below zero, with the wind then moving the temperature down to over 130° below zero.  I've actually camped out on mountains during the winter, where with the wind actually got down as far as 160° below zero.  So I'm quite used to extremely cold weather.  And I always have them.  I've walked at temperatures as I said, where the standing temperature was between 30 and 40° below zero and have never had a problem.  And I have all of the necessary elements that I need for any of the cold that Cleveland might experience.  So everything is in place.  Now the other rather interesting thing that was taking place today is that on the way home Aileen and I actually got into a kind of an argument which ended very peacefully.  And the only thing I can tell you is that Aileen will suddenly be there.  I will feel her presence.  And then inside my head.  She simply starts talking and there is a kind of dialogue or conversation.

On the one hand, of course anyone with any kind of reasonable intelligence would immediately think they are having delusions of one kind or another.  And I might also think that way except the exchange doesn't feel delusional.  Because it has a very peculiar feeling.  And everything inside of me convinces me that it really is an exchange.

So in any event she's going on about how I promised I would take care of Evelyn and I finally explained that I agreed but that when we said that and agreed on that.  We were talking about me being Evelyn's friend and her brother.  Not her parent.  At which point Aileen tried to explain that Evelyn always had been.  The baby of the family.  And I told her that she shouldn't think that way.  Because Evelyn is in her 50s and one way or the other she has to learn that she can't continue to be as cavalier and as aloof and as egocentric as she perhaps has been most of her life.  Because the conditions have changed.

So I told Aileen that it's important that Evelyn get to that point where she realizes that her actions are very similar to the boy who cried Wolf.  Because Evelyn has repeatedly over the years, said she was coming over to see Aileen and I and then after Aileen died that she was coming over to see me.  And of course that never happened.  And where I might've have the tolerance prior to Aileen dying to deal with that I don't have that tolerance now.  Because the circumstances of my life, or the rules of the game have changed.

I don't have the luxury of doing things that other people's convenience.  Because there are things that have to be done when they are needed to be done and cannot be done on the basis of someone else's can.  Meaning it's.  And the other thing of course that I tried to remind Aileen which she eventually agreed with was that Aileen and I never tolerated lying.  At that point, Aileen actually laughed because she then began to understand that the only way that Evelyn is ever going to get to that point where she realizes that her own actions of being so obtuse and egocentric and aloof have actually put her in the position where she's going to have to prove that she can be reliable is only going to happen when she understands that her actions have actually put her in the position of where the boy cried Wolf.  Where she has made so many promises that she didn't keep that the people around her no longer expect her to keep those promises.  Even though now she may actually want to keep those promises people around her are not going to trust that because she has been so unreliable and so egocentric and self-centered before.

At which point Aileen became unsure as to whether or not Evelyn would get to that point.  And at that time, I then said that Aileen needs to talk to Evelyn.  Aileen initially said no way.  Because The Only Way, Aileen shows herself to Evelyn is through an object or perhaps a memory.  Because Aileen is very hesitant to interact directly with Evelyn, because Aileen feels and soda why that doing so with Evelyn being so overcome with grief losing Aileen would basically cause Evelyn to fall apart.

But I told Aileen that she has to talk to Evelyn what way or the other she has to because Evelyn has to get to that point where she realizes that the sequence of her choices have put her at that point where the boy cried Wolf.  It's actually a very logical progression of understanding and Evelyn is not stupid.  She's just very self oriented.

So now Aileen is trying to figure out just how to do exactly that.  How to communicate with Evelyn what to do so in such a way so that Evelyn just doesn't fall apart.  But Aileen is incredibly intelligent.  I mean she has a real brain.  Plus, she's on the other side.  She will know how to do it.  I know that.  She will figure it out.  Because there is a way to do that.  Everything I understand about life and death convinces me of that.  That there is a way to communicate without truly unsettling the living.  And at the same time be instructive and offer guidance.  Now Aileen has to just figure out the proper way to do that.

And during all of this of course Aileen was pestering me to get back in touch with Evelyn and I told her absolutely not.  That Evelyn has to do this on her own.  And that's the only interaction or intervention pursuant to that has to come from Aileen.  Because Aileen was really like Evelyn's mother as they were growing up.  For whatever reason.  Because Aileen was the middle child and Evelyn of course, was the baby.  Being five years younger than Aileen.

And as I said, Aileen has a great brain.  She will figure it out.  I just know that.  But it won't happen overnight.  Because that's also something about Aileen.  She's very methodical and she knows how to move very slowly.  When necessary.  So I just know that is one of the things that Aileen is working on right now.  Which is why as we separated in that few moments where we were interact she chuckled.  We both said.

So by the time I got home it was very interesting that way on my collarbones was perfect.  The book bag actually has about 1000 in.³ less space than the Sierra but it actually has more compartments and is also more functional.  And today's weight totally convinces me of that.  Because at one point for over 2 miles with the high Sierra pack I was carrying about the same weight, which was a little over 80 pounds and the ways that my upper body and my collarbones were responding to the design of the high Sierra and how the yoke was positioning the pack was a good bit different than how the book bag and the yoke was positioning the pack today.

So now I am basically ready.  I have everything in place.  And I can actually maintain the house.  Because as I said I now have established travel routes to places where I can get the needed supplies and do so much more economically, which I wasn't able to do so before and that not only will save me money, but also leave me with a bit more money, where I can survival of the better and purchase some of the other elements I need for all whether walking or hiking.

And of course there are the physical benefits from walking which hard definitely taking place.  One of course which is a repositioning of body weight because your weight begins to actually shift in your body as you lose a certain amount of weight in portions of your body from walking, thereby causing portions of the weight in your body to be redistributed as portions of your body hold up muscle and other portions actually lose excess weight.  Altogether, which of course means I'm getting stronger.

And because my hands of course have the same kind of arthritis as everywhere else in my body has.  I have purchased a couple of different types of gloves, which can actually be worn together, which will of course act similar to high altitude or extreme cold temperature gloves.  So everything is in place.  And that's good.  Because next week is going to be quite cold.  When high temperatures barely at 20°.  And with the windchill.  We are probably talking temperatures going down.  Perhaps two about 10 or 12° which is really not that cold.  For anyone who has done cold-weather hiking 10 or 12° is really not that cold.  Because when you are doing cold-weather hiking you are talking about temperatures that actually can in fact get down to several degrees below zero.  But in Cleveland.  It's nothing like out in the mountains.  No way.  The lowest temperature plea.  Whatever really has is at most, perhaps 25° below zero.  And that's reaching.  Because in my recollection the lowest temperature I think I have ever seen in Cleveland, meaning the standing temperature not including the windchill, has been perhaps 10 below or perhaps 15 below zero.  Which can not even compare with some of the temperatures in Denver.  Because there were times when I was walking in Denver when the standing temperature without the windchill was well below 35° below zero.  And that's an interesting temperature to walk in.  Because when you figure in the windchill.  You are talking about a temperature that gets down close to perhaps 50° below zero.  And at that temperature.  Well, you have to be a lot more careful.  Or at least detail oriented.  Because once you put your gloves on, for example, at that temperature, you really can't take your gloves off.  Because if you do in the very minute amount of moisture on your skin when you put your gloves back on can actually be enough moisture to cause frostbite.  But that's at those really low temperatures.  Plus you have to have something over your mouth and nose.  Because at that kind of low temperature.  If you don't have something over your mouth and nose.  You can actually freeze your windpipe.  And walking in that kind of temperature is amazing.  The density of the air actually changes to a point where you can hear incredible distances.  Because the density of the air changes in such a way so that sound travels faster and farther in those lower temperatures.

So in those kinds of temperatures layers are how you do it.  But like I said Cleveland cannot even compare with the temperature in the mountains.  There's just no way.  In the Eastern United States.  There is only a few places in the Northeast they can even come close to the extreme temperatures of the mountains in the west.  And if you've never done that.  Or if you have never experienced that.  It's hard for you to understand what I'm talking about.  But those of you who have know exactly what I'm talking about.  And in reality hiking or walking in those low temperatures is incredibly healthy.  I mean, it's very strenuous.  But the benefits are amazing.  And that is a portion of my life that nobody in Cleveland hardly even knows about.  Which is why a lot of people in my neighborhood, just don't have any clue how I'm able to do the walking I do, because they don't even know about that portion of my life.  People in the West who knew me know exactly that part of my life.  So they know that it's something I've done for a lot of years in my life.

So I'm actually looking forward to the cold-weather.  Because it will really be a very good test of how these nylons and the double-blind the brace are going to work and how effective they will be.  I think the only other thing I'm going to do is perhaps if the temperatures get down to the single digits in Cleveland, which they sometimes do in February.  I might actually include some long underwear over the nylons and my knee brace under my trousers.  Because the upper body is easy.  I have all the layers I need.  And I have the proper headgear and so forth.  So that's not a problem.  It will be very interesting to see how all of these elements fit together.  Because I think I finally have everything exactly where it needs to be.  Today was a very good test.

And shopping at this one other store as compared to where I was shopping.  The savings are amazing.  I mean probably one of the best positions.  I've been, economically, for the last couple of years.  And with that conversation I had with Aileen.  I feel a lot better.  Because now I know she's not really angry.  Because now I know she understands that was really what I was sort of concerned about.  I didn't want her to mistake my actions.  Because as I said before, Aileen and I are in perfect harmony.  We always have been.  We always were.  From the instant we met.  It was perfect balance.  So I'm glad that we really were able to talk today on the way home that was exactly what I wanted to happen.  Now all that has to happen is that Evelyn has to pay attention.  And that's why Aileen and I were chuckling as we ended that little interlude.  Because that's something that Evelyn doesn't really do very well.  Is pay attention.  But in reality, that's Aileen's problem now.  Because I've made her aware of it.  And like I said, Aileen has a really fantastic brain.  I mean she has a really great brain.  There are so many things about her that I love.  One of the things I love the most is her brain.  She has got great intelligence.  So I know she will figure it out.  She'll know what to do.  And it will be really easy for Evelyn.  Because Aileen and while she has really great intelligence and she doesn't always have the patient's to go with it.  But she's on the other side.  So she will have a bit more patience.  This is exactly what has to happen.  It's perfect.  It will probably be after the first of the year when Evelyn finally starts to realize.  Because I don't think Aileen is going to do anything with Evelyn until near the end of the month.  If I know my darling Aileen she's going to study this for a few weeks.

So now I feel a lot better.  Because I know Aileen's not angry and I know she understands.  And I know she trust me.  She knows I love Evelyn.  But she does actually agree with me.  That's all I wanted.  I just wanted Aileen to understand that I wasn't being mean and I am really grateful that God has allowed Aileen and I to stay in touch that is something I'm really grateful for.

And then also while I was out today I got really good haircut.  It was at another place and the barber I met was this amazing lady.  Her son has muscular dystrophy and she has three children.  She's really a very incredible person.  Plus she's a good barber.  No one has a child who is severely disabled without learning so very much from their child.  Because when a child is severely disabled, where when a child is going through that kind of hardship the parents become blessed in so many different ways.  Because they learn so much from their child.  I've seen it several times when I've been out walking with a different single parents and parents of disabled children.  And I've worked with the disabled most of my life.  So it just always fills you with a sense of hope.  Because the parents of these children who are very severely disabled are amazing people.  I mean they are just like diamonds in the rough.

Which convinces me that nothing happens without a reason.  And like I said, the haircut is incredible.  My hair is so short.  And it feels great.  And I learned so much from doing the walking I did for these last two days.  I have learned just volume's.  Plus, I have remembered a lot of things that I used to do which I haven't done and perhaps 30 years, which I'm now doing again in a number of different ways and then of course increases what I'm learning.  So it's all good.

But this lady Barbara today.  She was incredible.  She's a blessing.  To anyone who knows her.  She is a blessing.  Her son is young.  Suffering with muscular dystrophy.  Dear God.  That's courage for someone that young to have to deal with that kind of burden due regard it just brings me to to this because of course there's part of me that feels that it's so unfair.  And yet but I child is going through that there are so many gifts that come out of it.  This lady Barbara and her family will definitely be in my prayers.  And in my heart absolutely.  It brings home to me why I do these human rights articles so young with muscular dystrophy and the same is true for these amazing children who have cancer or who have autism.  Dear God, the parents are amazing they are just incredible people.  When you meet one of them everything inside of you just stops.  Because you know you meeting someone amazing.  There but for the grace of God go I.

This part of me that wishes I could in some way help all these children.  And not for any reason other than to simply help them.  They live such tough lives.  Often with little or no chance of survival than they do so with the world spinning out of control with more and more hatred than more and more violence so that people hardly even notice some which is wrong.  Because we should always notice them the matter what we should always take notice no matter what.

So to all you wonderful men and women with children who are suffering like that.  Please know that while I might not ever meet you will be able to help you that you are in my heart and my prayers always.  The matter what.

And of course I'm emotional because Aileen and I love children.  We still do they are our greatest resource.  They are the one thing that we produce that we make but do not create the one resource we have in this world that is the very best thing we do.  And for every single one of these tiny souls who ends up struggling the world grows wiser from their pain and suffering and yet so many people don't even notice these brilliant men and women.  The fathers and mothers of these children that they should the world should take notice.  Because these men and women are an incredible because their children are incredible.  TV commercials basically are designed to simply pull at your heart.  But they don't really show you how incredible these children really are.  You have to meet either the child or the parent in person because once you do that light.  That light that cannot be seen with the eyes is so visible.  That energy is just absolutely amazing.

And when you meet one of these amazing men and women.  These parents or even one of the children themselves.  You then realize if you are involved in human rights exactly why you are involved in human rights.  It's.  God.  So young.  It definitely hits your heart like a hammer.  But at the same time gives you that single moment where believing when there's no reason to believe becomes amazingly easy.  So I'm definitely going to see that lady Barbara more regularly absolutely.  There is one hell of a lot to learn their.  There is so much learning my going to the barber shop was not happenstance.  Not by any means no way which almost explains why Aileen and I had that when I was walking home, because she's always with me, so she was with me.  Probably when I was sitting having my hair cut hearing about this amazing young boy and I'm sure knowing Aileen.  That's all she needed.  Was to watch me as I was listening to this amazing mother talk about her son.  That's my darling Aileen.  That's why she spoke up when I was walking home I'm sure of that.  And that would be just like her.  Thank God for that I mean that with all my heart.  Thank God for that I guess you could say that a lot of things in our lives that happened really are the hand of that energy or God or Allah or Buddha or whatever you want to call it.  I guess because I'm a Jew that I call it God.  Even know a lot of me is very Buddhist.  But that encounter was deathly the hand of God in action absolutely that was not happenstance no way no way that's where the old man probably knew that Aileen and I were slightly it is about Evelyn and decided to put something in the way that would convince Aileen that I was still moving forward.  And at the same time put something in the way that would illuminate me, which it did.  It was incredible listening to her talk about her son was chest amazing.  It was incredible.  Like I said it just brings me to tears.  Because I remember friends.  I've lost the some of these really terrible diseases children between the ages of four and 14 where I felt so helpless.  And yet I was so incredibly amazed after courage and after understanding of it all.  Like I said, the hand of God in action.  And we are not talking religion.  We are talking God or Allah or Buddha or where everyone call it.  We are not talking religion.  We're talking God or Allah.  Like I said, or whatever you want to call it.  As I said as a Jew.  I call it God.  But that's just to name.  It's just an earthly name we give to that which we do not know what to call it.  It's just a name.  Because in reality some other life form in the universe might call it something else.  But to me, it's just God.

And that was only one of the amazing things that happened today.  Because I actually met someone from India, who was a student of Mahatma Gandhi.  That was mind blowing.  He was an older gentleman.  And we talked about things I haven't been able to talk about was someone other than Aileen for probably 30 years.  That to was also the hand of God.  Absolutely.  He was perhaps 10 years younger than me.  And yet it was like we had known each other for a long time.  Because our conversation was just incredible.  We had studied the same things.  We had read the same books and literature.  Part of me was just completely blown away.  But I'd never show that outwardly.  But it was incredible.  We talked about the difference between Mahatma Gandhi and Indira Gandhi.  We talked about Krishnamurthy.  The only other person I've been able to talk about Krishnamurthy with in recent years, of course, was Aileen.  Or some of my friends.  So I know overseas.  But here in America.  Well, there just aren't a lot of people at least where I live, who even know who Krishnamurthy was let alone all the other things.  So meeting someone, again, where it appears to be happenstance.  And you know it's not.  And yet there is that synchronicity.  Well like I said that is the hand of God.  And where I met this person was really a a very rough part of the city.  I mean, this street I was on I would not walk down that street on a dark night, no matter what.  Because the moment I started down that street.  You could feel that energy and everything inside of me knew that this was not a place I wanted to be walking down at night.  And in the middle of all that, here's this one man and we had this amazing conversation.

You live a certain amount of years and you get to a point where you don't think there's much new left that you will find.  Because after a certain amount of years you have pretty much seen just about everything that you might end up staying if you live a really full life.  And then in the midst of whatever you are doing.  There is that single tick of the clock.  That single second when something happened when you meet someone and there is so much learning that takes place that it's literally like a little the nation and unless you are either dead or made of concrete you immediately understand.  You understand everything.  It all just makes perfect sense.

So it was an incredible day.  It's going to take me weeks to process all of this.  You can bet your life on that.  And the good thing is that Aileen finally understands.  That's what I was hoping that I really wanted to have.  Thank God.  I was so afraid she was going to be angry and now I know she's not.  Thank God really thank God.

One of my neighbors and I were talking about this one street and they actually know about that street and I did not.  But now I do.  And they said something remarkable to me.  Something I don't normally think of about myself.  They said that I have this really kind face.  I never thought of myself that way are I never think of myself that way.  I really don't know what kind of face.  I have.  Maybe I just never really looked at my face.  That way.  But they said that's what it is.  But I have this really kind face.  I thought that was rather remarkable because I don't know what kind of face.  I have sometimes I think I have the face of a broken shovel.  But they said.  That's why I met the people I did on that street.  Because I have a really kind face.  I never think of myself in terms like that.  I just never do.  But I do love people.  I really do with all my heart.  I just love people the matter who you meet with their rich or poor every soul has a story.  And there is so much to learn.  The matter who they are.  So much to learn it's not the stuff you can find in books.  And what you learn is always incredible.  It's just absolutely amazing.  Like I said it's going to take me weeks to process all of this because that's how my mind works.  I analyze everything.  I always have.

And I know Aileen understands now because when she came to me in my dreams.  While I was sleeping earlier tonight and now I know she understands.  Thank God.  Because that was a huge burden.  I was so afraid that Aileen was going to be angry but she's not she understands.  Thank God.  And I don't know what people might think of what I'm writing, but Aileen and I are still in touch and pleasing her and making things okay between us is still so very important.  It always will be.  Because like I said.  We did not say, until death do us part.  We said, forever.

And yes, this haircut is incredible.  It's what they call a buzz cut or a butch.  And it's perfect.  It's age-appropriate and it really looks good.  Plus with it being so short.  It's great.  I don't have to do a thing.  And I like that.  I like that a lot.

So this month is really turning out to be incredible.  This is good stuff.  This is what I was hoping for.  So now going into the second week of December.  I still have $100 in the account.  Which means I have a really good chance of getting through the month and doing well.  And that will be a very good thing because December is a very hard month when you are on fixed income.  Because there are two holidays at the end of the month and it's a long month.  So over people on fixed income December is probably the hardest month of the calendar year.  So being where I'm at right now, economically speaking, is exactly where I need to be.  So now we will see how the rest of the month goes.  But I really should be okay.  Because I've got just about everything I need for the month.  So I should do okay.  This month.

And thank God.  Aileen understands what I was really worried about that.  It's a huge load off of my chest.  Thank God.  Because of all the people in my life the one who I never want to disappoint or let down is my darling Aileen.  No way.  I never want to do that.  I can't.  I just can't.  And having talked with Aileen.  This afternoon you another burden is sort of taken off of my chest.  Because now Aileen knows the the best way to help Evelyn is for her, meaning Aileen, to talk to Evelyn have like I said, knowing Aileen's brain.  I mean she has such a great mind.  She will know what to do.  She'll know exactly what to do.  And that basically means that perhaps within eight or nine months Evelyn will figure it out.  And then we will probably get back in touch and Evelyn will probably be in a very different place if I know Aileen that will be the case.  I mean their sisters.  Aileen always knew how to talk to Evelyn.  So that's going to work out just fine I know that now like I said.  Thank God for that.  Because I don't want Evelyn to suffer.  I really don't.  But I want for her to understand her own life, not from within her own life.  But her own life as others see her because that's something that a lot of people don't do.  We get caught up in our lives and we focus on the things we need to get done and the goals we are trying to achieve.  So we very often think of our lives in terms of how we see our lives and never really think in terms of I'll others see our lives and yet by thinking in terms of how others see our lives.  We actually learned more about our lives, which helps us to understand our lives as we see our lives.  And that's exactly what has to happen.  And Claude can't do it.  Because he just doesn't have the sensitivity or the understanding or perhaps the articulation to be able to communicate to Evelyn.  But that may not be the case.  There may be a conversation or Claude and Evelyn will have whereby Evelyn might actually discovered that one aspect.  I'm hoping.  Or at least there may be a conversation between Claude and Evelyn whereby while at the same time, Aileen is communicating with Evelyn that Evelyn will in fact understand some of what I'm hoping.  Because if she gets to that place then real learning will actually take place.  And that's what I want.  Because if Evelyn becomes aware of what I'm hoping she will discover a lot.  And she may already be aware of it but may be in denial.  So will be very interesting to see how things play out.  But I have to be out of it.  I have to step back.  That's an absolute.  Because it's their family.  So it has to come from primarily Aileen and then from Claude.  Or possibly from Claude.

So it was an amazing day.  It was probably one of the most amazing and incredible days.  I've had this entire year.  And I suppose because I don't really celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas.  To me this time of the year is basically just that time of the year were I try to communicate with those who I really love how much I really love them.  So all this happening at this time of year is probably the perfect gift that I would ever want to receive.  Because it's better than anything anyone could give me.  It's just perfect.  It's just what I need.  And I suppose in the scheme of things that also is the hand of God.

Like I always say.  Life is meant to be lived.  It's not meant to be wasted or abused.  It's meant to be used and lived.  Because that's what you do.  You use your life and you live your life.  And if you do those two things your life will be incredible.  In so many amazingly positive is.  On the other hand if you abuse or waste your life then you don't really get very much because it's only when you actually live your life and use your life that you really get those amazing things.  And when you do if that perfect second.  That single tick of the clock.  When everything just makes sense.  It's the perfect gift.  It's exactly what you are supposed to do.  You live your life and you use your life.  Because that's what you're supposed to do.  You're not supposed to waste your life for abusive.  You are supposed to live it and use it.  Because that's what it was given to.  Not to abuse or waste but to use and to live.

So, to say the least I'm breathing one heck of a lot easier.  That's for darned sure.

So now that I have written all this down, finally.  I think I will have a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  And perhaps a couple of milk.  And then I will probably put off funny movie.  Because the kindness of those wonderful people at DirecTV for giving me this new DVR has been such a great gift.  I mean it is just perfect.  I have so many films on this DVR.  I mean, it's just the greatest.  It's just great.  So that I can always put on a movie to help me to keep going to keep leaving because that's what I have to do.  I have to keep believing no matter what.  I have to keep believing and with what's going on in the world that's not always easy.  Especially at this time of year.  So these movies really help.  I mean, they just help me so much.  That and the amazing people I meet when I'm out walking.  I mean these people are incredible.  And it's not every single person I meet.  Because there is light in every single soul.  It's just that in most lives or in a lot of lives.  People get all tangled up with all sorts of things.  And so that light and some becoming buried almost invisible.  And in others well in others all you have to do is look in their eyes.  And it's just there.  And then that's when the amazing things happen.  Learning illumination.

Now I am beginning to understand exactly why things have happened the way they have.  Now I am finally beginning to understand and believe it or not and I can not explain it.  I don't even know how to.  But I can feel Aileen right now in the room and thank God she smiling.  Thank God.  Because of all the people I never want to let down were disappointed my darling Aileen is the one.  I can't I can't let her down.  I just can't and I won't so I'm really glad she smiling because that means so much.  It means I'm on the right track and I am really grateful.

So it's going to be a really interesting next series of months.  It's I think interesting is probably an understatement.  And I'm laughing because I know that's true.  I think the next series of months are going to be rather incredible and I don't even know why I'm saying that.  But it's just a gut feeling I just think these next series of months are going to be unbelievably amazing.  And it's really humbling.  I mean that.  It really is humbling.

So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to have a couple of.  Butter and jelly sandwiches and a cup of milk and that will definitely put my chemistry back in line.  Although it's not really that far off.  And then I'm going to put on the funny movie.  And then I will meditate.  And then I will pray and then I will sleep.  And then tomorrow I will get up and I will do it all over again.  Sometimes fast.  Sometimes slow.  But ever onward.  The children.  Those golden moments in our lives when we see what we are part of when we see the greatest resource we have.  Our children.

Now I really do feel like I've gotten just about everything I ever wanted for Christmas.  I don't need anything else.  I've gotten everything I ever wanted.  And I'm so grateful I don't even know how to put it into words, which is unusual for me.  Because I have the gift of gab.  But then I'm a writer.  It's what I do.

Thanks so very much for listening.

I'll write later.

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