Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Relativity of Age

11:37 PM, EDT:

It's funny I'm realizing that this December.  As I turned 63 years old that I'm actually on my way towards 70.  That's one of the reasons I wanted to find someone to have in my life.  So that as I got to the stage I would not be doing so alone.  But life or circumstance or God, if you will, had other plans.  So I am alone at this time of my life.  And it's no good counting on my own family at least here in Cleveland because being part of that family means playing all of those released stupid money games.  And that's something I'm not going to do.  And by money games.  I mean that my family, the Maschke family, has always been known for being tremendously caring and considerate and very kind toward their community and their neighbors.  But when it comes to members of their own family the Maschke family never does anything without expecting some kind of return in one way or another.

And sometimes the return that they expect is simply for you to feel beholding to them for anything they may have done or might have done.  And I don't play that kind of game.  That's one of the reasons I struck out on my own when I was 16.  It's a kind of unwritten double standard with the Maschke family will do tremendous kindness and good thing is for their neighbors and for the community.  But when it comes to members of their own family they will always whether they state it or not be expecting their pound of flesh.  My attitude is not hardly.

So I have no family.  And I guess that's because of my own choosing, because I don't want to play those kind of games.  But the other reality is that since I was adopted the Maschke family has never really looked on me as being a part of the Maschke family.  In many ways they look on me as just either a charity case that my parents got involved with, or that I'm just a bastard.  And that of course is legally true because my mother gave birth to me out of wedlock.  And like I said, I don't really need to or want to play that kind of stupid game.  So I don't really have any family anymore.

And I can't count on Evelyn or Claude.  Because even when I included them in my life they were never there.  So there was no point in including them in my life.  Because when I did.  They weren't there.  So what's the difference?  I mean, why include them in my life.  If they aren't ever going to be there.  So I don't have any of Aileen's family either.  And that's okay.  I've lived so much of my life alone for so many years that it really doesn't matter anymore.  And growing up I was never good enough for most of the people either in my community are in my own family.  All because I had been adopted.  Like it was my fault.

But then some people are.  People are just not really very nice in a lot of different ways.  No matter what they say and no matter what they do people really just aren't very nice.  When you are adopted society looks on you pretty much as either a charity case, or that you are just a bastard, which of course as I said is legally true.

But I never really expected it to impact me the way it has through my life.  But again, so what?  As I always say, that and a cough drop and a holy card will get you dinner with Satan.  I've said that all my life.  Because it really doesn't matter whether I'm good enough for the Maschke family are not.  I know God made me and I know my life.  I know what I've done and where I traveled.  And if the rest of the world has a problem with my life than the rest of the world has more than enough opportunity to eliminate my life if they want.  And I don't even care if that happens.

I mean when you're living in a country like the United States were you actually have wealthy people in this country who take pride in how much pain and suffering they can cause other people and you are part of the group that the wealthy enjoy tormenting and treating like crap.  You either have to wise up and get used to being treated that way or you will probably go through life not very happy.  So I got used to being treated that way a long time ago.  So much so that I now expect for the wealthy and the Maschke family and Republicans and other monsters like the tea party to treat everyone they possibly can.  As badly as they can.  Because that's what really gives them enjoyment.

And it's all designed to try to make others feel as crummy as possible.  But as I said I'm not going to allow that to happen.  They might be able to take away or to diminish what little money I have to survive on.  But they will never conquer my soul because they don't own my soul.

So when you think about how cruel people really are in this world.  You realize also how stupid they really are.  Because it doesn't take a lot of intelligence to behave in a cruel or mean manner.  If I've learned anything over 63 years of my life.  That's one of the things I've learned the best.  That mean and cruel people are really not very intelligent.  They're nothing more than monkeys imitating tasks.  Because they don't really have any deep down intelligence.  Because if they did they wouldn't be so mean and cruel.  They wouldn't be so wrapped up in their own lives that they can't see anyone else's life or care about anyone else's life.

But not only in the United States but around the world.  We have people who are just that ugly and that mean and that's selfish.  They exist in every country in the entire world.  And I suppose if that's really how they want to live their life that's up to them.  But the really intelligent people are people who actually go out of their way to be as kind to everyone as possible and the reason that is much more intelligent is because when people do that.  They then realize that one of the reasons they are doing that is because they understand that they are never really better than anyone else.  But all the money or all the position that they might have doesn't really mean anything in the larger scheme of life.

And that perspective or having that perspective does actually take a good bit more intelligence.  But like I said these wealthy people think that they are better than everyone.  Just like the tea party and the Republican Party and the right-wing Christian and Catholic extremists, they just think they are better than everyone.  And they want to make sure everyone in the world knows that.  What they don't realize is that their behavior basically makes me sick to my stomach.  I would rather be completely alone in my life than to associate with that kind of selfish backward and primitive and ugly behavior.  And anyone who has known me over the years knows that's true.

So all I am fairly much alone in my life right now.  I don't really care.  Because I still have Aileen.  I may not have for physically next to me or in my life physically but she is still in my life.  She's still here.

Now the interesting thing about these Republicans and the tea party stupid people is that they really think they are better than other people.  Which of course is not true.  And they are going to learn whether they like it or not.  How they are not like other people because on November 5, here in the United States.  That's when it's election day.  And when the Republican Party.  Like it or not and whether the tea party likes it or not.  They aren't going to get very many votes.  And if they are running true to form they will all act like spoiled, selfish little brats.  Because that's how they always act.  Like spoiled, selfish little children who are nothing but spoiled brats.  And they certainly aren't the kind of children I would ever raise.  Because I don't put up with that kind of behavior.  I never put up with that kind of behavior from my own daughter and I never raised her to be that way.  And I never put up with that kind of behavior for myself.  So the world wants to celebrate spoiled brat.  If the world wants to have humanity become nothing but a bunch of self-serving selfish, spoiled brats then the world will put a lot of time and energy into the Republican Party and the tea party and the right-wing Christian and Catholic extremists who are really just some of the most ugly spoiled brats I have ever seen.

And if that's the direction.  The world wants to go in them.  That's the world's choice not mine.  Like I said, I never thought I was going to end up alone like this but it's really not that bad.  I have 18 years of amazing and wonderful memories with my darling Aileen.  And her brother and sister really don't understand that at all.  Which is why they are not in my life.  I don't have the time nor the inclination to try and teach other people, especially people who are supposed to be in my own family about the kind of or level of love Aileen and I have for each other.  It's like I've said before.  Aileen, fell in love with me because of my writing.  That is what drew her to me and how she fell in love with me.  And then knowing that.  Knowing that Aileen was drawn to me because of my writing and that was how she fell in love with me.  You just have to wonder.  Why is it that her brother and sister who claim to love Aileen so much.  Why is it that neither one of them have ever read a single word I have ever written?

I mean, you would think they would be curious what it was that true their sister to me or what it was that caused her sister to love me.  I know I would be interested in finding out what was the motivating factor.  But they have never once even taken one single work at anything I have ever written.  And as I have explained, the highest compliment that anyone can pay a writer is not to purchase what they have written.  Writers are only marginally impressed with the amount of money people spend on their writing.  If you want to impress a writer, regardless of whether they are a published author or a screenwriter or anything else.  If you really want to impress them.  It's very easy.  All you have to do is read what they write.  Writers are much more impressed with people who actually read what they write them.  They are with someone or people who might pay for their writing.  Because paying for someone's writing like purchasing a book or a movie doesn't really mean that you have read what the writer writes it means simply only that you have purchased what they have written.  Which doesn't necessarily mean you're going to read what they have written.  But that you only wanted to own what they have written.

That's the reality, ladies and gentlemen.  That's why I say that the highest compliment a writer can have is when someone wants to actually read what they have written.  Which brings me back to Claude and Evelyn.  They have never once ever either wanted to or even taken any measures to, read what I have written.  So they wanted to really insult me that would probably be one of the best ways to do so.

Like I said, our world is full of people who are selfish, self-serving and basically so mean that they think they are really very kind.  When in reality they are nothing more than spoiled, selfish brats.

Because I was living with mother and father.  As part of their family and because they had so much money.  I always thought as a child that I was very selfish and very much a spoiled brat and yet people I've talked to over the years have always told me that was not so.  That it was my sister who was actually more selfish and spoiled.  And I don't know if I have ever really been able to believe that because my own parents used to accuse me of that.  And yet everyone I've known over the years it is said that's not true that growing up I was not that way.  Which means the reality.  I might have in my head the feeling like I was that way is not really true.  It's not the reality.  It's nothing more than all the programming psychologically that my parents.  And perhaps my sister were attempting to put into my head to make me feel that I was that way when in reality I was not.

So I'm going to turn 63 in about two months.  On my way to seven they.  Of all the sections in my life that I've lived so far this has to be the strangest.  Because I really never thought I would ever become this old.  I never thought I would make it this far.  But then again, it is just more garbage that I was being told all my life.  The doctors when out of their way to make the always realize or at least understand that I was not going to live as long as other people because of my spinal fusion which is why I didn't really pay very much attention to them when they said that.  Because I never really believed even back then that anyone have the right to tell someone else how long they were going to live.  So I wasn't going to allow them to tell me how many years I have left and as it turns out I was right.

It's really said and unfortunate that we have so many really stupid people in this world.  People who are so arrogant and so selfish and so hateful that they don't really give a damn about anyone unless they're absolutely forced to do so.  That's really sad.  When you consider the potential that we have as human beings.  It's really very much of a waste of a life to go through life being so selfish and so mean and hateful.  Because when you are that way you end up having nothing around you other than false friends.  Friends who were there only because you have the money that you have or the importance you have so their friendship really is a genuine are honest.  It's simply based on you having the money you have or the position you have and that's the only reason they are there.

And for those people who are that's selfish when they suddenly don't have the money that they currently have or the position in life that they currently have a lot of those friends that they think are real and genuine will simply disappear.  Because they aren't around for any other reason than because of the money and the position.  I've seen that happen in my own life.  Even though I was never selfish.  But if I were working a contract as an analyst were I might have a little more prominence.  There were always people coming out of the woodwork to associate themselves with me.  Because of the prominence or that importance and the moment that I was no longer prominent or important in those ways those so-called friends disappeared.

And it didn't happen very much in my life, but I certainly saw happening in lots of other lives.  So much so that I began to really understand how selfish and self-serving and self centered people really are.  So I didn't grow up with any kind of illusions.  I knew growing up that most people didn't really give a damn about anyone else, because if they did all the human rights tragedies I've seen over the years would not have taken place.  But those things happened.  Just like they are happening every single day.  And the people with all that money and all that importance, basically don't even give a damn.

Which is okay.  I suppose.  I mean, if you're wealthy and you basically don't give a damn about anyone else, then your life is unaffected by almost anyone else because you don't even care about them so they don't even figure into your life, unless you need something from them.  In which case you lied to them and cheat and steal is much is you can and then as soon as you have gotten what you want you throw them to the side of the road.

It's done every day ladies and Tom and in every country in the world.

There's no way to explain or even put into words how badly I miss my darling Aileen how much I love her but then I don't suppose I have to because no one else in the world was married to her because no one else in the world so all those special qualities that within my own life made perfect sense.

I always remember something that someone once told me film many years ago, I've never once forgotten what they said.  The person who said this was actually an old prospector that I met in Silverton, Colorado when I was going to college.  It was the most amazing statement.  I ever heard.  At least back then and I sort of still think it is.  The circumstances of our meeting were just completely, call.  I had taken the weekend to do some climbing in the mountains around school.  And in the morning after my climb that I had been on the day before on Saturday.  It was Sunday morning and I had parked my car on the main street in Silverton.  And I was sound asleep.  But I had left the window open because I wanted the fresh air in the car while I was sleeping.

And I woke up looking into the face of this mule who had put its head right into my car through the window and as I opened my eyes.  I saw this old prospector who looked like he was in his 80s standing next to this mule.  And all he said to the mule was.  He wasn't sure where I was dead or not, but that he thought I was sleeping.

So naturally I was surprised and the whole bunch of other things.  But he and I sort of became friends and I bought him breakfast.  And while we were eating at the restaurant in town.  He turned to me and said simply, the worst thing about being dead is you don't know you are.

When he said those words to me.  I immediately broke up laughing.  I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever heard.  And yet the more I thought about it over the years the more I knew he was absolutely correct.  Because everything changes.  For any of us to think that our consciousness that we have in life is going to stay exactly the same when we no longer have a physical body with all of the physical sensations.  That to me is being stupid.  Because when you are dead you no longer have your body and all of your five senses.  That's just reality.  When you're dead, you're no longer inside your body that consciousness that we have that energy can never be destroyed because that energy is never created.  Because we cannot and it is true that energy can never be created or destroyed.  It simply changes.

So that means that when you are dead at the energy that has been the driving force in your physical life that consciousness doesn't simply become destroyed.  It just changes but it changes without any of the five physical senses.  So naturally without those five physical senses logically speaking, it would be rather difficult for you or for anyone without those five senses to be able to experience anything that those five senses allowed them to experience when they were alive.  Such as the feeling of being alive.  Which means the worst thing about being dead is that you don't know you are.

And when you understand that one state you then no longer look at energy on the other side of the veil in the same way.  So while Aileen is of course dead.  There's part of me did doesn't really believe that it's death that it's actually nothing more than a change.  But a change that is so significant that again.  That statement really becomes very true.  The worst thing about being dead is that you don't know you are.

When that old prospector said those words to me.  Like I said, I started laughing.  I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever heard.  And yet the more I thought about it the more I realized it was absolutely true.  Which gave me a completely new perspective on life, because it meant all this junk the people believe in and scream and yell about really doesn't mean very much.  Because our consciousness on the other side of the veil is not like what we have right here and now.  That much I sort of know it's true because I died for those 5 min.  So I know it's not true.  But aside from that, it just makes me wonder how people can become so caught up in superstitious and magical thinking and antiquated religious dogma to the point where they actually convinced themselves that there is all this stuff going on on the other side of the veil.  When that's not true at all.

In those 5 min. that I was dead.  None of the earthly junk we create in our mind's had any relevance.  Because I really didn't know I was dead.  That's why years later, when I met this prospector and he said those words to me.  I thought I was the funniest thing I had ever heard.  Because that's exactly what I experienced when I was dead for those 5 min.  That I didn't know I was.  I didn't know I was dead.  I had no feeling of being dead.  Because it was a feeling I had never experienced because there were no physical senses no physical input.  But that's how my mind works.  I never look at something and see just the thing when I look at something my mind and my brain just analyze every single aspect of that thing, which is why I laughed when that prospector said those words because by that time in 1972 I had spent a number of years trying to figure out what happened during those 5 min. which makes him saying those words to me either unbelievably coincidental or perhaps not.  I never told him that I had actually died.  Which means that the statement he made was far more coincidental.  Then, as a result of him knowing that I had died.  Because I never told him that.

Which makes those words even more important.  Which is why as I turn 63 in about two months all I can do is shrug.

Which is exactly why I say that people who are selfish and self-serving who think they are so much better than other people really don't have a clue when it comes to life.  Because of they did they would never behave the way they are or do.

That being said, I think I am finally relaxed enough to go back to sleep.  And that's exactly what I think I'm going to do.  Just go back to sleep.

I'll write later.

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