Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Aye, My Darling.... I'm still here...

It was now, my love. At the end of October. We both knew. I got angry. Then I felt so bad. I felt like I had failed you. I asked you if you were okay. You said, it wasn't very comfortable. But then, you said, you understood. And I felt horrible. Horrible that I had fallen down like that when you needed me to be strong. But you said it was okay. And my heart believed you, while my brain did not.

And then, well, then you went into another coma. And then my love, while you were down, I sat there. I sat by your side. And I cried that night. I begged God to please forgive me.To forgive me for getting angry. For breaking down. I begged him to please not break his promise to hold you close. I begged him to please not leave my side.

And then, I began to whistle. And ever few seconds your eyelashes would flutter. and I knew that God had not stepped away from me. That you were not done. You WERE NOT DONE! Damn it. You were not done! And you weren't. The doctors were telling me it was over. And I yelled at hem. I screamed and yelled and I said, I know my Aileen better than you know cancer and SHE'S NOT DONE. Got it! She 's not done.

And then, 15 hours later, your eyes opened. You couldn't move. You looked so scared. I touched your forehead and looked down into your eyes.... And I said, Leen, sweetie. It's okay. It  was only a bump my darling. That's all. Just a bump. You're okay. Just take your time darling. Please. Just take your time. Okay? I'm right here darling. It's okay.

And you were able to blink your eyes. And there were just those two tears coming from your eyes. And I leaned down, and pressed my lips to your forehead Truly Leen. It's okay. Just take your time. Go slowly. Don't hurry. I'm right here my love. I'm always right here....

And then, another 8 hours passed, and you could finally talk. And you said, "you were here? "

""Of course sweetie. I'm always right here."

"But that's so strange?"

"What's that daring?"

"Well, I could hear you. I mean, I could really hear you!"

"Well, darling. That's not strange. That's life darling. That's the old man. Okay. He promised me that he was not going to leave your side as long as I was here. So ..."

"really?"

"of course. "

"But I can't move. I mean, I ..."

"Leen. Look. You just had a major shut down. Okay. Near as we can figure, your body shut down, so your liver could deal with the increased poison. And then, when the chemicals had adjusted themselves, your body said it was okay. And then you just pulled yourself  along the ground and came back. Okay?"

"But I'm so tired. "

"Well, sure. Leen, look, you're standing right there my love. Okay. You're in that final walkway. Okay. But you're not quite there. And so now you're using every single bit of energy you have. Okay. Every ounce of all that inside of you. Okay. So you're bound to get out of breath. But my love, take my hand. Okay. Feel me. Feel me Leen. "

And I placed my hand in yours....

"I can. I can feel it, Mickey. It's almost it felt when I seemed so far away. "

"You weren't far darling. You just cracked that door open a bit, sort of a way of saying hello. That's all. Remember Leen, You're not going far. Okay. You're not going far. Okay. You're just going home. Okay. Just going home. And you  won't walk through that door without me being right by your side. Okay."

"Okay.... Mickey?"

"Yes?"

" don't know to say thanks.."

"sure you do, Leen. "

"I do?"

"hell yeah! You know how to say thanks. Because you have."

"How's that?"

"You loved me, Leen. That's how...."

And you then fell asleep. Then another 10 hours, and you could finally move. I sat there the entire time. Sometimes feeding you bits of water. Sometimes whistling. Sometimes praying. Sometimes telling you jokes. And then, you could move.

But we both knew. We both knew. We just knew.

So, Leen, smile my love. Because I kept my word my darling. I'm still here. Okay. No matter what, I'm still here....

I love you so much Leen.Do you know that? Please know that. Always know that. Okay? Always. No matter what. No matter how far, or how long. No matter what. I'm always going to be right here, Okay? Right here, Leen. Always....

So, good morning my love. Good morning Leen. It's a good day today sweetie. Because not only am I still here, But so are you. In all that I do. In my heart, in my thoughts, in my writing, in my passion, and in my dreams. You're still here.

Because we both know what it means when we said and say, "if you want to see my love. Watch me. Just watch me....".

With all that I have ever been, or ever shall be. With all that God has built inside of me, and all that I shall have left...

Tis how I love you, Leen. Now and forever....

My hand to yours my darling.Always...my hand to yours....

Godspeed my darling Leen. Godspeed....