Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

My Transgenderism

2:51 AM:


To begin with, I don't want anyone under any circumstances to think that I am encouraging anyone to be transgendered meaning to live as the opposite gender.  Because a decision like that is incredibly personal and is usually based on one of two things.  Either something going on with the individual's body physiologically.  Or something that has taken place or is taking place environmentally meeting the conditions in which they lived their lives or have lived their lives.  But it is an incredibly personal and oftentimes extremely conflicted type of decision that anyone might have to make.


I am no different.  I struggle with my Transgenderism all my life.  It was one of the hardest things that my darling Aileen actually asked me to do when she died.  But I kept my promise.  And I did live as a female for over two years.  But of course, throughout my life I have lived as a female for the most part of my life at least since as far back as perhaps 1991 or 1993.  More likely 1993 because that was the year I met and fell in love with my darling Aileen.


But there is more to my Transgenderism as I have tried to explain recently than most people are aware of.  Because my Transgenderism is not simply as a result of what is going on with my body but also has to do with a lot of the stuff that happened to me in my life.  The physiology of my body is that my nerves in my small in them throughout my body are usually so reactive that a lot of different textures next to the skin become extremely uncomfortable.  But at the same time there is the informational side or the intellectual side.  And the reality is that in my life as I was growing up I always identified with and felt more comfortable with and also felt more at ease embracing the feminine perspective and things that were feminine as compared to things that were mescaline.  It was always that way.


But the reality of my life is that if I lived as a transgendered female I do so alone because there's nobody I can really cheer that part of my life with.  At least not anymore.  So living as a transgendered female becomes almost a moot point.  Because without anyone to share that part of my life with it then becomes irrelevant for me to try to live that part of my life because there's no one to share that part of my life with.  So consequently I stopped living as a transgendered female Evelyn back to living as a male.  However at the same time there is very little in the masculine side of the argument that I really identify with or feel comfortable with.  And if the world did not have such a huge hatred for transgendered females I would probably go back and live as one.  But the world does have a lot of hatred for Christians and females.  And because I don't really have anyone to share that part of my life when it just doesn't seem very important to go in that direction with my life because again there's no one to share with.


At the same time I also understand that there just isn't very much masculine, but I'm comfortable with orbiting around.  Now the neighborhood because I do understand and am extremely sensitive to other people's sensitivities it just makes sense that one out in the neighborhood I present myself like any other guy.  At the same time if I attempt to guess own this other aspect of my gender that would be a mistake as well.  So I'm not going to do that.  And as I have already explained, I believe that I'm probably going to end up more of a transvestite been transgendered.  But that I will be extremely private about this because the world really does have a lot of hatred for anyone who dares to live as the opposite gender.


I'm not going to deny that the feminine perspective intellectually and emotionally and of course physically has always been more synchronized with and something that I've always felt more comfortable with M. something that literally has always resonated inside of me as being more consistent with everything I felt I was inside of me.  It does not mean that I have ever felt like a female trapped in a man's body.  I've never once felt that way.  But I have always since about eight years old, felt that I should have been allowed to live as a female.  At least as far as my gender.  And that of course was something that I had virtually no one who I could talk about that with there was just nobody around who I could actually discuss those feelings with others and perhaps my aunt Helen and my grandmother.  So over the years I struggled going in and out and back and forth between living as a transgendered female to living as a male.  And for the most part most people really did not understand me.  So they of course didn't really understand my Transgenderism either.


At the same time I also grew up understanding within my own mind that there are natural females or what I call biological females who win you are in a relationship with them if you are a man being in a relationship with one of these women who possess this particular ability which is what a lot of women instinctively have.  Because the old adage is true.  It takes a good woman to make a good man and it takes a good man to make a good woman.  But the word good in those statements can be greatly misunderstood.  Because I'm not talking about good religiously.  I'm talking about good as far as the individual's identity.  There are women that men can be around and be involved with where, as a result, the man actually feels more like a man because the woman that he is involved with is actually celebrating that aspect of him that masculinity in him and that helps him to identify even more with his own masculinity and the same is true with a woman there are men and a woman can be involved with who make them feel more feminine and there are men that a woman can be involved with who will make them feel less feminine.  So the object of the game is to find that one type of man or woman that will celebrate that part of you that you feel is really important within yourself and complement that part so that you can then express that part of yourself more easily and more readily.


And in my case that became extremely difficult.  Because there are certain aspects of masculinity that I enjoy but those are relatively few because I actually enjoy and feel synchronized with so much of what is to be considered feminine.  And perhaps that goes all the way back to my birth mother.  But I don't really think that matters.  It's just the way I am.  But at the same time I realized that there is this tremendous amount of hatred for any man who wants to live as a woman.  In some parts of the country really good and solid religious people will pull out a gun and they will kill a transgendered female and think nothing about it.  I have seen it happen.  I also had a friend of mine who was a transgendered female beat to death by people who hated her because she was living as a transgendered female and I was not able to get to her in time because by the time I got to her she was dead.


So regardless of whether I'm physically outwardly living as a transgendered female are not doesn't mean I'm not transgendered.  It just means I'm not living that way outwardly and the reason I'm not is because for one.  I don't have anyone to share that part of my life with and for two there is so much hatred for transgendered females that it just doesn't make sense to keep going in that direction when there really isn't very much support for me going in a direction.  And so consequently at home in living more and more as a female.  Just outside of the .  And I don't mean I'm a cross-dresser although that is what some people might say.  But that's not part of the motivation for why I live as a female.  It's because everything about it makes more sense and feels more concurrent with a more synchronized with in every way every aspect of everything about me.


There has never been any kind of violence associated with my inclination to live as a transgendered female.ever.  No feelings of resentment no feelings of any negative thing that might be considered.  For me it was just and still lives that I feel more comfortable living as a woman that I do estimate of.  But I really don't have the opportunity to live as a woman because I don't have anyone to share that part of my life with and because the world has so much hatred for women and especially hatred for men who live as women.  So out of the house I don't live as a transgendered female.  When I go out of my house I looked like any other guy on the street.  And that's fine.  I am more female.  And I don't do makeup anymore, because if I do makeup that means that I will of course have to change the appearance of my face somewhat.  And I don't want to do that because my Transgenderism is no longer something that I feel he is or should be part of my public life as much as it is something that is part of my private life.


Now of course if I were to meet a woman like my darling Aileen been I would probably be living more as a transgendered female publicly but I don't believe I ever will the anyone ever in my life for the duration of my life will even come anywhere close to my darling Aileen not by any means.  But at the same time I am trying to be more inclusive with other people meeting and making lots of friends I'm doing some fairly decent work of helping to younger people who were my neighbors to learn how to make better choices to learn how to survive better to learn how to manage their money and basically out to get through.  Meaning out to get through life.  And because they are basically in their 40s, they are very much like my own daughter Leah who is 35.  And that's exactly how I relate to these two rather marvelous young people.  They are often misunderstood by others but that's generally true with most of us.  We looked at each other and we see so many things most of what we see isn't even part of the reality of what we're looking at.  A lot of what we see is nothing more than projections from our own minds, or our past.


And because I know I'm not ever going to find an easy solution for my Transgenderism but because I know that Aileen really wants me to live and not suffer.  I am trying to slowly expand my world and expand my life where I might actually encounter someone who could celebrate need for me.  One of the issues I wrestle with the have to do of course with my Transgenderism because any woman I might meet is the kind of woman or would have to be the kind of woman who would not be threatened as far as your feminine persona by being in a relationship with someone like me who basically lives as a woman.  And that is a rather rare kind of woman these days.  Because a lot of women are in competition with each other as to how they look because the undercurrent is to whether women admitted during the they are just like everyone else meaning the men in the world.  Nobody really wants to go through life completely alone nobody really wants to go through life never having anyone in their life although there are numbers of people who do but most don't.


So most men really don't understand the level of competition women go through whether it is stated or not between each other as to how they look along with the dynamics within their own minds as to how they look along with the dynamic in their minds as to their relationship to their own mother because that is a huge dynamic that most men will never get.  Because it is something that follows that woman her entire life.  And trust me.  A lot of it has to do with the fact that the mother actually carried her daughter just like she carries her son.  But from that biological union that takes place while the mother was carrying a baby.  There is a huge amount of dynamic that is created between that baby and the mother regardless where the baby goes or how old the baby grows.  There is a link between that mother and the child for the rest of both of their lives.  With a woman meeting a mother who bears a little girl there is this other dynamic that is almost like a form of competition between the mother and the daughter.  Men have a similar dynamic between themselves and their father.  And part of that is almost natural.  Meaning almost all animals have similar or what might be considered similar types of experiences.


So understanding this dynamic of women becomes increasingly important from the standpoint that at the very base of what women are there is this low-level many times unstated competition going on between them and any other woman between them and themselves and between them and their mother and even between them and their daughter.  And this competition, whether stated or unstated tenets to make women somewhat in many ways a little insecure.  Though they may exhibit that insecurity in various degrees or forms of expression.  So the very first thing that I look for in a woman is whether or not she is going to feel competitive in any way because of my living as a woman.  Because if she does them in my mind it's not fair of me to invite her into my life if she's going to feel competitive with me being a woman.  Or living as a woman.  It's not fair to do that to her when she already is dealing with all these other areas of unstated overstated types of competition.


At the same time I have to say that it would be nice if I found someone a biological female who could love and respect Aileen as much as I do in whatever way she wanted meaning the woman might want to express that love or respect that's up to her.  But if a woman can actually love and respect Aileen as much as I do in whatever way she chooses that's probably the first requirement and the second requirement is of course that she's not going to feel threatened or fuel any kind of competitiveness as a result of my living as a woman.  And those two conditions are probably rather huge.  Because a lot of women do have a number of insecurity, just like all of us.  Just like men.  Whether stated or unstated that's the reality.


So I don't really see anyone coming into my life in the near future although I have hopes that there might be someone but one never knows.  So I just go on with my life as I do.  I live my life and I am when I am.  Because I can be nothing else.


I have recently tried to explain about the two types of logic and the logical views of life which I have done recently in the previous Journal entry.  And that's the other part of the equation I guess.  Is that a woman I meet needs to be somewhat intellectually compatible.  And what I mean by that has nothing to do with religion or politics.  Religious and political compatibility is nothing more than contrived human Bullshit.  That's all of us.  Because that kind of compatibility doesn't really guarantee any kind of good marriage or union or relationship.  What I'm talking about are the intellectual processes within ourselves that make us who we are and again I'm not talking about religion or politics.  I'm talking about our orientation toward art investigation knowledge learning our attitude about movies or our attitude about creativity our attitudes toward science.  The fundamental intellectual things in each one of us makes us all unique within our own lives.  When you are in fact encountering someone new who might be part of your life that is one of the things that you look for if you are paying attention.


So, for example Aileen and I were extremely compatible intellectually because we were both classically trained in music and we both enjoyed.  And we both looked at science as really an extension of religion.  And that the two were not mutually exclusive.  So intellectually we had that compatibility which from their allowed us to find the other areas of compatibility within ourselves and within each other to where we were able to be as involved as we still are.  But finding someone who is that compatible is really not an easy thing to do in this world especially if you are transgendered because as I said there is a lot of misconception and misunderstanding when it comes to Transgenderism.  And it's not the kind of thing that is going to go away anytime soon.  Humanity has already shown their resistance of anything new or at least certain things that are new.  And that's okay.  Because I don't really have any aspirations for my life in the direction of finding someone new.  If on the other and the creator or the energy that is beyond us causes things to play out in such a way, whereas in and meet someone new that is a different story.  So I don't look for anyone in my life but if I do need someone who wants to be part of my life I probably would not be very opposed to that.


But that in itself as I said presents an even more delicate problem because my Transgenderism is part of my life.  So again I am not someone who is rude or someone who likes to arch into other people's lives, because I don't think that.  So I am in extremely cognizant of and aware of the sensitivities of other people have regarding Transgenderism.  Which is another reason why I'm not out aggressively looking for someone in my life because I know it is a futile process because trying to find someone who could be intellectually compatible and someone who could love Aileen and respect Aileen as much as I do in whatever way she wants and then in addition being able to handle not only my disabilities physically and mentally but also my Transgenderism.  That is a tall order.  That's difficult, probably for most women to come close to even being able to be part of my life or even understanding what my life was about.  And that again as I said is okay.  Because it is just the reality of how things are.


And from my way of thinking.  I generally like to simply wait and see.  To see what happens.  Which is all I'm doing now.


In any event, I'm starting to get really tired it's probably the flu.  So I'm going to close for now and try to come back later as I'm definitely having trouble focusing my thoughts.


I'll write later.