Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Daily Life

Tuesday afternoon, September 3, 2013:

 

As my previous journal article explained a lot happened when I went to sleep this afternoon because my darling Aileen came to me in my dreams.  And where I had no clarity there suddenly was clarity.  And as a result of the communication I had with my beloved Aileen, who of course has been dead since 2010.  The previous journal entry is the main byproduct of that encounter.  But the reality is, I'm back.

 

The journal entries I wrote before I took a nap this afternoon really were amped salute and very clear examples of posttraumatic stress disorder repressed memories coming to the surface.  These repressed memories are sometimes called triggers.  And when you have posttraumatic stress disorder which is also known as PTSD, you were never really sure what is going to actually be a trigger.  You generally have a good idea of where most of the triggers are or what most of the triggers are.  But there are always some that will blindside you.  Some memories or triggers that will come out of nowhere when you least expect it.  And when that happens you find yourself reduced to the point where you are so unsure about everything.  You become disoriented and quite afraid.  And you almost don't know what to do because inside yourself.  You are in a state of panic.

 

 

I've been dealing with posttraumatic stress disorder at least as it was diagnosed, since 1989.  And according to doctors at the time, I actually have been dealing with, though it was not diagnosed, posttraumatic stress disorder.  Ever since about 1972.  Some doctors actually believe that my posttraumatic stress disorder showed up as early as 1970.  So one would think that I would be fairly adept at being able to identify triggers.  But then I have never been 62 years old owning my own home where he and his home the one person in my life who I have loved more than anything else died.  And those conditions most certainly change the rules.  They change everything.

 

But I'm back.  And I'm moving forward.

 

As I said earlier today, I had a little over a dozen responses from friends.  Not only here in the United States, but from around the world, who have given me a tremendous amount of support and consolation regarding my neighborhood and some of the neighbors or at least a few neighbors who have a tremendous hatred for me and how to deal with that hatred so that I don't end up becoming victimized by my own emotions or possibly any delusions my mind might have.  And I am putting those recommendations into action as I write this journal entry.  But I have also implemented some of those recommendations earlier today.

 

Personal health:

 

As I said earlier this morning.  I woke up with a tremendous amount of low energy and just not really feeling top drawer.  And oddly enough, my horoscope advised me what my gut feeling was also telling me.  Which was that I needed to simply take a day and just rest.  And that's what I've done.  But it's now getting into the late afternoon.  So my plans are to go forward.  Because I am feeling a lot better.

 

Schedule:

 

I have a lot that I have to get done tomorrow meeting doing some of the shopping and running some errands to get some things for the house that are needed.  I also have to make sure I cut the front lawn.  And those things will all be done.  And of course I will have a journal entry after I've gotten home which I will share your online

 

Epilogue:

 

So let me get to it.  I'm going to do my e-mail and my petitions and perhaps one or two news stories before I turn in for the night.  And then I will either do a journal entry during the evening or I will write tomorrow after I have gotten home from doing all of my errands.

 

I am still somewhat shaken from the PTSD episode I had this morning.  It really came at me out of nowhere.  I just had no warning whatsoever.  I just was not prepared for that memory to surface.  The memory of a hospital ward.  I keep thinking that I have gotten beyond it.  And yet again, I then remembered that I don't just have one kind of PTSD.  I have two different kinds.  Because the second condition of PTSD that I now have gays from watching my beloved Aileen die.  That's one of the reasons that the phone calls this morning were so important.  Because I wanted to make sure that I had everything in place to be able to go and vote on September 10.  But I also wanted to make sure that my property taxes were up to date.  Which they are.  And most importantly I wanted to make sure that I had completed all the necessary procedures for being able to get the medical care I need that natural health medical Center.

 

With regard to Evelyn, Aileen sister.  I have gone back and forth in my mind so many times that I'm almost dizzy.  Part of me feels like I should try and make peace with her.  But at the same time she has had so many years to be able to change some of the things inside of herself so that she could have related better to Aileen before she died.  And so that she could have related more and in a better way to me after Aileen died.  But Evelyn is not done that.  And that doesn't mean that she's not suffering as a result of Aileen dying.  Because she is.  I know she is suffering.  But I can't help her on what she can come to this house.  And she can't come to the house because she has a problem dealing with the house because it's where Aileen died.

 

In the conversations that Aileen and I have with her on the other side of the veil.  Aileen basically just feels badly that Evelyn and I are not in contact.  But she understands.  Because just as she is watching over me.  She is also watching over Evelyn.  And so basically, my gut feeling is that I should leave this entire matter up to Aileen.  If Evelyn and clawed and I are meant to get back together then it will happen if not then it will not.

 

But above all whether Evelyn or Claude understand this or not.  My responsibility has always been and remains not only to defend this house, but to defend Aileen and to protect her.  It doesn't matter that she is not part of the physical world and a more and it doesn't matter that she is on the other side of the veil our marriage did not stop because she died for anyone to think that doesn't really understand the kind of love or the depth of love that Aileen and I have for each other.  Because our love was not confined to only the physical world because we did not say, until death do us part we said, forever.

 

So now I will move forward.  And thank God that I have a version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking on my system that actually works and it works well enough where I can use all of the programming on my system without any problem whatsoever.  That just makes me feel fantastic.  It is a huge gigantic burden off of my shoulders.  Because it means I don't have to worry anymore about having system crashes or program incompatibilities.  It means that I can actually go forward with my system, and I don't have to worry about my hands having arthritic reactions.  Because as I said, my hands are incredibly strong.  They are just not very good anymore around the keyboard and the mouse.  Only because I have been a touch typist, since I was 12 years old.  And after all those years my hands have basically worn out when it comes to using the mouse and the keyboard

 

And another reason, in addition to the foregoing, why I really do love Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 10, the most.  It is because where the various speech impediments that I now have.  One of which is of course as a result of my mother using a barbed wire appliance in my mouth when I was a child to stop me from sucking my thumb.  But the other speech impediment that I now have is the fact that I have lost almost all of my teeth.  And this makes enunciation and articulation and pronunciation sometimes the problem.  Which is why I have gone back to using the single sided headset microphone with my speech program meeting Dragon NaturallySpeaking .  So that I can have a higher degree of recognition, which Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 10 actually has.

 

And it may seem very trivial to a lot of people.  But in my life having as little as I do.  It's not trivial at all.  It's actually a huge and major thing.

 

I can't tell you how much better I feel.  At my lowest moments.  This morning I was in almost total darkness.  I felt so small I felt so lost.  And in the midst of my darkness just like she always has done ever since we first met.  There was my darling Aileen.  My Leen.  Right there.  By my side.  Telling me to relax and to simply focus.  Thank God.

 

I want to thank all of you who read my journal and who consider yourselves to be my friend.  I want to thank all of you for being there.  I especially want to thank all of those of you who responded to me in the various discrete ways that you did, as I said because of various circumstances.  Because your help has meant so much to me.

 

Of all the things I could've chosen in my life to do being a human rights advocate is probably one of the hardest things I could have ever chosen it truly is.  And yet I am so glad that I have chosen to do that.  But I have chosen to in fact be a human rights advocate because it has absolutely been the most important thing in my life.  Because it means, at the very least, that I have never turned my back on the sacred nine.  It means that I have always fulfilled my promise to them to stand up for them and all the children and all of the women and the men in this world who are suffering every day from very horrible and unfortunate circumstances

 

I'll write later