Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Daily life

3:33 AM:

Well whatever type of flu infection I ended up getting.  It is at the stage where I LM, coughing up the last bits of the infection.  So that's always fun, not.  But in any event it means that I'm also on the mend.  And that is a good thing.  I still don't really feel very comfortable about doing exercise right now, because I don't want to push my body in such a way where the illness can come back or take longer to go away.  But I was able to eat some cereal last night and my chemistry has been off so I actually had two bowls of cereal night because the milk was just exactly what I needed.

And I am getting ready to go back and do some e-mail today.  I also have a sister report that I want to make.  Because I have changed some things on my system.

But in any event my diet is coming back on line.  Meaning, being more normal.  And so I am feeling better.  But in one way I sort of feel the I would much have preferred never to have never gotten this flu bug.  It does make sense, however.  The children are back in school and so everyone knows that within two or three weeks after the children go back to school there is an outbreak of flu virus.  It's not because the children are basically terriers.  Not at all.  It's just children are children.  And they are not as careful or as meticulous about washing their hands as perhaps adults should be.  And so as a result, any flu virus that may in fact be circulating in the area becomes a lot more easily transmitted.  Which means as adults that during this time of the year, we need to be even more careful about washing our hands.  Because that's where her or how the flu virus and other illnesses are most easily transmitted.  By not washing our hands.

In any event, I'm feeling a lot better.  But I also want to talk about a couple of things.  Things that probably are going to make me rather peculiar.  But that's okay.  Everyone in our own way is peculiar, and I am no exception.  What I am talking about is basically not only my Transgenderism.  But also how my relationship with my darling Aileen is changing.  Not changing in the degree of my love for my affection or my respect or my support.  But changing in the way where I actually might be open to meeting new people.  But of course, always with the contingency that anyone who really wants to get close to me must be able to love and respect my darling Aileen.  As much as I do.  But, in whatever way they choose to do so.

Because I'm not draconian about what I'm asking or about how I am regarding my darling Aileen.  I'm simply someone that does not consider the marriage to be over merely on the basis of her having gone to the other side of the veil.  I don't look at things that way.  Our world is full of conflict and strife and violence from one nation to another.  People trying to murder each other in kill each other with all the hatred that people have for each other.  It doesn't matter whether someone is a Jewish or Muslim or a Catholic or Christian.  Because none of the four major religions has ever been able to live in peace with the other.  No matter what.  Even though all four of the religions basically came from the same place.  And they came from the same place, because all four of the religions are basically classified, regarding religious belief systems or theological belief systems adds, ethical monotheism.

Meaning the belief in the one God or one deity.  And yet with all this similarity and with all the basis of the origins of these religions basically being the same were coming from the same place.  The best that these four different religions or these four different belief systems here on earth can do is to try and kill each other while at the same time destroying most of the world in the process.  So when I say that I do not look at my relationship with my darling Aileen.  In any kind of a typical manner that is exactly true.  Because I do not.  And I don't do so on the basis of any of the four different religions.  As a Jew part of my belief is that there is no heaven or hell.  But that's not strictly a Jewish perspective within myself.  Because it is also something that I have learned to have made sense in my life.  Not strictly based on my being a Jew but on the basis of how many different things I learned about in life whereas a result, I learned that what the four different religions consider to be a kind of separation or a line of separation between life and death.  In reality is not so very much of a line of separation.  Because the energy that is no longer of the physical body still is able to some degree in whatever manner that may in fact exist.  To be able to communicate with energy that is still physical.  Meaning that people who have departed and are no longer living in their physical bodies.  That somehow or other through whatever process may in fact be taking place informationally.  The departed are still able to communicate.  Again, in whatever type of process may in fact be taking place, with those who are still alive or who are still physical.

There is more than enough documentation to substantiate everything I'm saying.  So one of the ways that I am extremely peculiar is that I believe in this communication between my darling wife Aileen who no longer is physically alive and myself.  But then I do so not on the basis of any religious orientation pursuant to my being a Jew in as much as my expanded awareness and accumulated educative and experts from ours that I have amassed through the years, where as a result.  I certainly realize that simply because someone has ceased to be physical and is no longer of the physical world does not in fact substantiate or mean that they are not able to communicate with those who are still physical.  Because as I said, there is more than enough documentation to substantiate that there is communication of one form or another.  And in one way or another.  And that this is been the case with humans since the very earliest communal societies were formed.

So my understanding of and my expression of and my relationship to the potentiality of communication between myself and my dead wife is something that makes me extremely peculiar because it is a nonreligious perspective.  A nonreligious perspective that still has a tremendous amount of spiritual orientation to it.  And that is what makes it peculiar.

So on that basis alone.  I fully understand the I am far more peculiar than what most people might feel comfortable with or be aware of or might in fact find interesting or attractive.  I understand that very clearly.  I always have.  The reality is that my understanding of in my relationship to the potentiality of communication with those who have departed.  Actually started when I was about four years old.  Because it was at that time that my grandfather's brother, Dr. Ally Maschke died.  I actually have a picture that was taken of me shortly after he died.  Like the next day.  But that picture is not going to really show very much at all, other than of course as a four-year-old child I was not very happy.  The reality is, was that I was devastated.  I was completely devastated.  I cried for days.  And all the explanations my mother and my father gave me about grandfather's brother dying didn't really seem to do very much at all.

So I began to believe, based not only on what culture was presenting at the time, such as all of the movies about ghosts.  I began to believe that there was some way for those on the other side to still communicate with us.  That was the very first time I began to believe that.  When I was four years old.  Now, then, of course I went through Hebrew school and I went to temple every Saturday.  And occasionally because my mother was Catholic.  I also want to Catholic mass.  So by the time I was 16 years old, which again there is about 12 years after I had that very earliest perception that there was something on the other side.  By the time I was 16 I had been exposed to a number of different religions and belief systems.  All the way from Wiccan to pagan to atheists or agnostics, along with Christianity and Catholicism and the Muslim and Jewish religions.

But at the same time.  When I was 16 I was also reading rather incredible writings of and books about various Hindu and Buddhist religions.  So my understanding of and my appreciation for and my relationship to the energy that is no longer visible in this world began to become extremely expanded.  And this took me in the direction of moving toward a.  That I have supported and that I basically presented while I was a sophomore at Fort Lewis College in Durango Colorado in 1973.  The theory that I was presenting has to do with something I call the multidimensionality of informational signal recognition.  And what that basically means is that from everything I had studied and learned either religiously or scientifically or in any other educative or X. branch away showed me very clearly that most of the information that the human brain accepts or receives and transmits.  Most of the information that we as humans experience, either through transmission or reception is totally and completely nonphysical.

And what's even remarkable is that a huge amount, if not the majority of humans.  Meaning the majority of all of us believe that is true.  Whether we believe it is true as a result of our religious orientation or our spiritual orientation doesn't matter.  Whether we believe that it's true because of our scientific perspective, that doesn't matter either.  Because most of the information that we as humans experience every single second is not physical.  Most of the information we receive and that we transmit every single second has more to do with electromagnetic particle exchange and particle acceleration than it does with the linguistics or the linguistics signals of our conceptualizations.  Because in point of fact, the spectrum of communication that words have in the total spectrum of informational exchange is really very limited and quite small.  Meaning that our verbal communications to one another constitute only a very small amount of the information that we receive and transmit.  Such as body language.  Because body language is a nonlinguistic form of communication.  Just like I contact.  Just like someone can go to a place they have never been and feel either very comfortable or very uncomfortable.  And a lot of times those feelings of comfort or discomfort are based upon electromagnetic field exchange or particle or sub particle exchange and particle or sub particle accelerations.

Because it's the particles that actually carry the electromagnetic field differentials from one electromagnetic field to the other.  And believe it or not, those variations in the electromagnetic fields that we are part of in our own physical bodies, and as those physical bodies electromagnetically interact with other Electromagnetic fields.  That interaction of those particles and those fields is a form of informational exchange.

And we know that's true because as I said we could go into a place where we have never been a room we have never been in, or a party where we don't know most of the people.  And when we get to that party or we go to that place, we will have feelings of comfort or discomfort.  Based on being in that place or at that party.  And those feelings of comfort and discomfort are not solely based upon any kind of conceptual informational exchange.  Those feelings of comfort or discomfort are more times than not based upon electromagnetic field variations or our feelings about where we are or our feelings of the people around where we are.  Nonlinguistic forms of communication.  Again, such as body language or eye movements, or mannerisms or gesticulations.  All these body movements actually are again, a nonlinguistic forms of communication.  Just like meditation is a non-linguistic form of informational exchange.  Exchange between us and what we are meditating on and exchange between our physical bodies and the electromagnetic field that are surrounding and directly next to or that in fact come in contact with our electromagnetic field.  Meaning, the electromagnetic field of our body.

And so partially from that basis.  I have always believed that regardless of whether someone is on the side of the veil or the other that there is still the potentiality of and in fact.  The reality of informational exchange.  Although the informational exchange is not what might be considered linguistic, and/or physical.  So right from the beginning, that particular perspective.  Makes me highly unusual and somewhat peculiar.  Because I do not buy into, nor do I support all of the religious conflict and hatred going on in the world.  Not only is it illogical.  But it is counterproductive to the positive progress of evolution, either socially or intellectually or spiritually or physically of the human condition.  Meaning humanity.  Our religious conflict at all of our political conflict with all of the violence and all the guns and all the bombs is not only destroying our children by making them believe that confrontational behavior, where the violence is is a viable alternative to discussion and negotiation.  And that's exactly what we are teaching our children.  But rather than negotiating are getting to know those who we have differences with it is much easier for us to simply pick up a gun and demonstrate our hatred for them on the basis of any misconception or misunderstandings, we might have.

And so the world continues with the Jews hating the Muslims and the Muslims hating the Jews and the Catholics and Christians basically hating everyone.  Because that has been true since I was a small child.  And it has never changed.  And that again, speaks volumes about how we as human beings are so resistant of to being able to roll or to leave all whereby we can actually learn how to love ourselves and love each other.  Rather than spending so much time and money and energy trying to kill and destroy each other.  Which as I have said, makes me highly peculiar.  It makes me very different than what most people are.  Because I do not support the violence I do not see the logic of the violence.  I do not see anything good coming from the violence, and I do not see the violence helping our children or giving anything back to this world except piles and piles of dead bodies ruined nations populations basically destroyed with the level of hatred growing larger.  But the level of hatred growing proportionately larger to the level of our violence.

So as I said, that perspective alone makes me extremely peculiar.  There are a number of people like myself and the world who are pacifists.  Like me.  But not all of them have the same ideological or intellectual perspective.  Based on what I have written in the foregoing paragraphs.  Generally when someone is a pacifist there are more physical informational clues as to their pacifism.  If there is something like that within myself.  It would have to be as a result of the nine wonderful children who I knew and who were my best friends in 1968 dying from various reasons.  But in addition.  Also, to having to watch my darling Aileen die in front of me during those eight months.

And while those physical clues or elements are substantial, emotionally.  They are not in fact the basis upon which my ideological or intellectual or philosophical or psychological or spiritual perspective has in fact expanded to the point where it is now.  Which is that I actually believe and am able to experience, informational exchange between myself and nonphysical aspects of life.  Again, either through meditation or concentration or self hypnosis or simply deep contemplation.  The informational exchange, is there.

So the foregoing represents tremendously, a huge obstacle for most people being able to understand or relate to or even feel comfortable being associated with a lot of my view of life or how I really to life, either on this side of the veil or the other.

Then when you add to the fact that a certain amount of my personality feels far more comfortable identifying with the feminine perspective or gender, but without being totally transgendered.  And of course not becoming a transsexual.  That means that in some ways, I actually am more of a transvestite.  And that my transvestitism is not based upon any kind of physiological or cultural orientation, inasmuch as it is based upon my understanding of the multidimensionality of informational exchange.  That only by blending the two genders and two perspectives within myself will my ideological and informational perspective and awareness expands to the point whereby as a result I can look at arguments either from the female perspective, which is more problematic and pervasive.  Just as I can look at something from a male perspective, which is more linear and symptomatic.  Whereby the symptomatic logical perspective is known as a reactionary perspective because it does not really ever take into account, nor a dress the rudiments or the actual causes of why something is happening.  But always only addresses the symptoms.

While at the same time, the female perspective for the most part being problematic is also known as an anticipatory logical perspective.  That does not look only at the symptom of why something is happening, but in fact looks at the rudimentary causes for why something is happening.  And as a result, the perspective is known as the problematic point of view.  Because with that point of view.  Your actions actually address and deal with the root of the problem rather than the symptoms.

So the best way to understand those two different perspectives of humanity, which are not solely limited based on gender.  But in fact are part of the human reasoning and informational process.  The best way to do that is to embrace both of those logical perspective within myself.  Which means basing my logical view of the world in my ideological understanding in my intellectual understanding of the world on the basis of not only the male perspective or symptomatic thinking but also upon what is known as the female perspective or problematic thinking.  Which again substantiates to a certain degree or another.  My transvestitism.

And yet my transvestitism isn't solely based on either of those conditions alone.  Because I have a tremendous amount of nerve damage, all through my entire body.  Nerve damage is actually so severe that a lot of the more course or rough fabrics.  Generally are not as comfortable on my skin as other fabrics.  For example, most of the unbleached cotton that we where is humans generally is rather uncomfortable next to my skin.  And I use the phrase unbleached.  Because the bleach when applied to cotton actually softens the cotton to a certain extent, thereby making it more comfortable on the skin.  And I know that's true, because it's important for people to remember that I grew up in the textile industry.  Because my father and I owned a limited supply here in Cleveland.  So, my association with and my interaction with the textile industry in the United States and around the world was very extensive though not as extensive as my father's.  But still extensive enough whereby I began to understand the variations in textiles from one fabric to another.

So when it is considered that not only do I have an orientation toward transvestitism.  But that I am a highly cerebral or intellectual individual in addition to my perspective and my understanding of various forms of informational exchange that are not based upon our linguistics or our linguistic informational exchange or conceptualizations but also on all the other things or all the other ways we communicate.  These two aspects of my personality make it extremely difficult for most people to feel comfortable with or want to be around or even want to even try and understand how I look at the world.  And how I relate to the world.

Which has definitely made my association with most people.  Perhaps clumsy at best.  Although that's not how I appear when I am out.  Because how I appear is that people think and realize I am very friendly.  Which I am.  But my friendliness of humanity is because I love humanity so much and the reason I love humanity so much is because I've lost so many people.  I've lost so many friends I've lost so many relatives and I watch so many people die that I realize instinctively that if I don't say hello to someone.  At any given moment in time, I might not ever have the chance to do so ever again.  Because people do disappear that quickly.  People do die that fast.

And so consequently my relationship with my darling Aileen is changing whereby as a result, my love for her is increasing tremendously every day, which only makes sense of course, because we were married 18 years.  And we are still deeply in love with each other.  And that will always be the case.  So that my interaction with or my association to any individual who might want to be part of my life will have to be on the basis of them being able to love and respect my darling Aileen as much as I do.  But in whatever way they choose to do so.  And that is a tough requirement or a tough standard for most people to meet.  Which is why most of my life is relegated to basically being very solitary.  Because most people just don't get it.

My darling Aileen understood everything that I have just explained.  Because our life together was really the best of both worlds.  Intellectually, and ideologically Aileen and I did, what is called, gender jumping.  Gender jumping is where either one of us might suddenly look at things from the perspective of our own gender.  With Aileen being physically the gender of a female and me physically being the gender of a male.  And yet at the same time in our lives together, we would juxtaposition those genders whereby Aileen would behave and look at life from a very masculine perspective and I would look at life in relate to life from a very feminine perspective.  And we used to juxtaposition those perspectives all the time in our relationship to each other.  And in the life we had with each other.  And again, that is a rather strenuous intellectual or ideological environment for most people to deal with or relate to or feel comfortable around.

Which is even another reason why I for the most part stay to myself.  It's out of necessity, because trying to explain what I have just explained here in this journal entry is basically what I would have to explain to almost anyone who might want to get to know me as someone other than just an acquaintance.  Which is why when people ask me about this journal.  The very first thing I always say, no matter what is that this journal, bitter harvest, is a tough read.  Meaning it is hard to read this journal.  Because it's not about fun and games are cooking or fashion or my home life.  It is about a number of different things.  It's about spirituality.  It's about the human condition about human rights about our religious systems and our political systems our economic systems.  It deals with life and death and it also deals with computers.  Just about any topic is fair game.

So the world continues to spin out of control with all the world leaders basically hating each other, either because of political differences or religious differences or ethnicity or territory or resources or food or shelter.  There's always an excuse to hate someone is always an excuse for us to hate each other.  The problem is that we as humans don't really take much time or invest much energy into trying to like each other or to get along with each other.  Because we are too busy spending so much of our money and our time and our energy trying to kill each other or be better than each other or to take something from each other.  Or to conquer each other.  But if in fact, we used that same time, and that same energy and all that money to make friends.  Well, if we did that the world would be a much different place.  And the world is not that different place, because every day we see more conflict and more hating and more violent and ugly expressions of our hatred.  Whether it is a small child or a young child being bullied at school or whether it is one country going after another on the basis of religion or politics doesn't matter.  Because when you are talking about conflict, the only thing that matters are the dead bodies that are left behind.

But trying to explain that to the world at large is from my perspective like trying to use your finger to bring down a wall of concrete.  Meaning that the likelihood that I will ever convince humanity that it is a better idea to try and learn how to live with each other and to like each other.  Rather than to keep on killing each other with all our hatred is probably not an idea that humanity is at this point willing to embrace or consider.  Which again makes me highly peculiar.  Which is okay.  Because I don't really have any expectations of being highly accepted or very well liked in this world because most of the people in this world.  Do not have the expanded awareness and appreciation for life that my darling Aileen had.  Although there are a huge number of people in this world.  And I mean, a very large number who actually do understand everything I'm saying and can relate to everything I'm saying.  But as large as that number is in relation to 7 billion people in the world.  The huge number of how many people actually relate to and understand my perspective, though.  Being very large in relation to the total amount of people in the world is actually quite small.

Which again, basically denotes or suggests very strongly that my life will always be quite solitary.  Because as large as the number of people are the think like I do or who have that kind of perspective that I do of life.  Though that number is large, as I just said a moment ago in relation to 7 billion people, that number is really very small.

And that's why I say it's okay I will get old.  And then I will die and then I will no longer be part of this world or the various types of informational exchange that go on in this world.  Because I'll be dead.  And as I have always said.  And this actually came from a bumper sticker I once saw a number of years ago and it simply says, death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.  I always thought that was a very amazing statement.  I thought that was actually one of the most amazing statements I have ever heard.  So I embraced that statement in my personal life.  Which means that I don't look at death as a kind of separation between the physical and nonphysical.  But in fact a continuation of both of those processes working in harmony and in tandem with each other.  Which again is even yet another facet of my personality that makes it somewhat peculiar or makes it difficult for people to feel cultivable width or understand very much of how I actually view life or how I look at life.

So being off the computer for a while and being sick like I have really did give me a tremendous opportunity of reflection.  It also gave me a lot of time to work on my computer and to test out different programs to see which would in fact, worked the best for e-mail and other things.  But as I said, with my informational and ideological or intellectual perspective of life and my relationship to life being extremely expanded in my life and in all that I am, I naturally embrace or, I actively embrace not only the female aspects of my life, but the male aspects as well.  Which makes me physically and emotionally and intellectually and psychologically and spiritually and in almost every other way a combination of the female gender and the male gender.  But that based on cultural misconceptions and misunderstandings.  Generally when I am out in the world, I present what the world customarily chooses to feel comfortable with.  Meaning that when I'm out, I generally will look like and walked like and act like just any other guy on the street.  And yet all this other stuff is going on underneath the surface, which I don't really share with hardly anyone because it is way too complicated for most people to even have any interest in, much less extremely complicated for a lot of people to even comprehend or two be able to articulate or expound upon because it is so complex.  So it becomes the better part of valor, what I'm out.  Not really to talk about, what I'm talking about here in my journal right now.  Because most people would just not understand what I am saying.  And if they did, it might actually be somewhat uncomfortable for them or they might just not have the interest in even trying to understand.

So I present the image that the world wants to see based on so many different cultural variables and requirements from one nation to the next.  And yet very few people will ever see or understand all this other stuff.  All these other aspects of informational exchange and informational realization that I live with as part of my life.  And yet at the same time, I am becoming more open to possibly meeting new people.  Because I actually have hope that I might encounter someone else who actually has the same kind or to the same degree or somewhat the same degree of expanded awareness and perspective pursuant to life that I have always had that my darling Aileen had.

And in my mind, that is pretty much a bank shot.  Or, what I might call a bank shot.  Meaning that the likelihood of my meeting someone like that is flight probably very far and removed.  That doesn't mean it's impossible.  It just means the likelihood of my meeting someone like my darling Aileen again, is probably extremely unlikely.  But that's okay.  Because I don't have any aspirations in life other than to find my way home.  My way home to the other side to that one very small amount of space between life and death, where I can move to that space and suddenly then be able to exist in both worlds at the same time.  Just like so many of those who we have lost our able to communicate with us from the other side of the veil.

So that when I moved to that very small space between life and death consciously.  It will be easier for me to find my way home and find my darling Aileen had to take her in my arms so that she will always know that no matter what I have done in my life or how I have lived my life my duty and my love to and for her has never wavered, but has always only increased.

And so consequently personally in my own home I am, very feminine in a number of ways.  And I take pride in my understanding and my appreciation for and my support for and my identification with femininity.  Because in my mind, femininity is one very substantial part of the human argument.  That without femininity the human condition and the human experiment would not exist.  And I'm not simply talking about the sexuality of man versus woman.  I'm talking about the entire expression of femininity in the world and the entire expression of masculinity in the world.  That without either one of those the human condition would not exist.  Because the human condition needs of both sides of the argument in order for the argument to move forward into have any degree of validity whatsoever.

So as I said in my home.  I'm very feminine in a number of ways.  And I take pride in that femininity.  And another reason why I do is because every day I read the reports.  Every day I see the human tragedy taking place where every day millions and millions of women all over the world and millions of children and aliens of amazing and wonderful men are beaten to death and murdered and shot to death in killed when their lives are being destroyed with their homes being taken from them with them being hated as a result of racism and bigotry and all the other ugly unsavory things that we do.  Every day I read those reports every day I learned about some brilliant young child or amazing woman basically tossed aside and lost and alone and dying and never realizing whether anyone hears them or not or whether anyone celebrates their life or not.

So in my home.  I celebrate both sides of the human equation and I take pride in expressing both of those sides not only in my writing but in every single thing I do.  And that when I go out into the world I compartmentalize my expression of in my portrayal of in my understanding of both sides of the argument because inhumanity most people might understand one side of the argument or have some degree of sensitivity to the other side of the argument.  But it's very rare when someone actually understands that expresses both sides of the argument at the same time and does so as a form of celebration to the argument itself but that's exactly what I do.

And that ladies and gentlemen, that one last point is the one thing that my darling Aileen saw in my writing.  Back in 1993.  Well actually 1992, before we had ever met, which convinced her of all the people she had known in her life I was the one she had been looking for the most.  Just like me.  Because I had been looking for the same thing.  Someone who could understand both sides of the argument and celebrate both sides of the argument and express both sides of the argument out of their appreciation for and their respect for and their love for the argument itself.  And not on the basis of some cultural or some restorable aspect of their own personal life, but based upon their understanding of and their comprehension of and their appreciation for and their support for and their love for the entire argument of humanity.  The argument of humanity where one side is the female or feminine side of humanity and the other side is the mail or the masculine side of humanity and yet both those sides have equal validity and are equally important to the entire argument of humanity.  And that without being able to understand both sides and to appreciate both sides and to experience both sides and to support both sides, humanity has no chance of supporting its own argument of its own existence because it is in fact compartmentalizing its understanding on the basis of one side of the argument versus the other.

Like I said.  Knowing me is extremely challenging for most people.  I'm not really easy to know or to understand.  Because I do not compartmentalize my thinking pursuant to the argument of humanity on the basis of one side of the argument version of the other.  My expression of that my relationship to humanity and my love for humanity is on the basis of my total comprehension of and my respect for and my support for both sides of the argument and thereby the entire argument of humanity.  Appreciating and supporting and embracing in every way possible.  The female aspect of humanity, while at the same time embracing and supporting and relating to the male side of the human equation.  Because in my heart and my soul.  I cannot simply be one side of the argument or the other.  Because my life has always been and always will be an expression of both sides of the argument, thereby expressing the total argument.  Where if I am in fact, around a number of women are talking to one woman or another or one young lady or another.  I can very easily identify with and support and relate to her female perspective of life.  Because it is one side of the argument.  The female perspective.  And since I in fact embrace both sides of the argument I thereby can embrace the female perspective and support the female's perspective.  Just like I can in fact, embrace and support the male perspective.  Because I support the entire argument.

Which is why when I look at all the conflict going on in the world is absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.  Because all we're doing is trying to kill each other on the basis of our support for and our relation to one side of the argument versus the other when in reality.  If we destroy one side of the argument than the argument ceases to exist.  That's just logic, ladies and gentlemen.  That's all it is just logic.

So I'm sure that a lot of people misunderstand me, and even have a dislike for me and probably will never get me.  They will never be able to relate to or understand or support the way I live my life.  But then I don't ask anyone to do that.  Because when I walk out of the door of my home as I said I looked like any other guy on the street.  So I do not present myself in any way whereby my presentation is overly challenging or possibly uncomfortable for someone else.  Because I have respect for the total argument of humanity.  I have respect for other people's sensitivities or their orientation to the total argument and it is out of my respect that I do everything I can so that when I walk out of my door I do not do anything that might cause them any degree of discomfort in any way that would not be fair, and more importantly, it would not be logical.

So my life with my darling Aileen is changing.  My life in relation to myself and in relation to this house is changing.  My life in relation to every single human being here in the world is changing.  Because I'm not going to get old and lose very much of my perspective.  That is not in my nature.  As I get old.  My perspective will actually increase and expand.  And my understanding of in my support for the various aspects of the argument.  In addition to the total argument itself will also expand and improve as I get older.  But that will also mean that I will be more difficult for people to understand and possibly more uncomfortable for them to be around.  But that's not my problem.  My problem in my task at hand is to be as comfortable with myself and my life as possible.  And in my heart and soul.  My job at age 63, or at least one of my jobs is to go with as much honesty and as much respect as I possibly can.  In addition to as much love as I have in my heart and soul toward my creator.  Because when I die, I believe in my heart and soul that is one of the things that will happen.  Is that I will go back to that energy that is beyond this world that so many of us call by so many different names as God.  I will go back to that place.  I will go to that space between life and death that we as I said in so many different ways will refer to as God.

And as I've always felt and as I have always said all of my life.  When you are going to go toward God that is when you have to be as honest and respectful and is open.  As you possibly can.  Not only with yourself, but with every aspect of life.  You have to go with your eyes open, because if you go with them close to Law Review go with blinders on your brain.  You will never experience the total argument of that energy that so many of us call by so many different names as God.  Because that argument on that energy or that argument of God is so huge that the human perspective of that energy is a very tiny fraction of the total comprehension of that energy that exists in the universe.  Because humans don't have a handle on the only way to look at that energy that we call God.  There are lifeforms probably on other planets that we are physically aware of or planets we are not aware of, who probably look at that energy from a completely different perspective than we currently have or that we understand.  Not to mention all of the various nonphysical forms of life that exist in the universe.  That probably haven't even made different perspective of that energy that we by so many names here on earth called God.  And as a result, the sum total of all that we know about that energy that we call by so many names as God is actually a very small fraction of the understanding of that energy because the understanding of that energy does not only include the human condition, but includes every other form of life.  Because all life relates to that energy informationally, whether they do so with a human brain or not.  All forms of life relate to that energy, whether it is a rock or a plant or an animal or energy itself.  And there is informational exchange, going back and forth from that energy, and most of that exchange is not physical.

Which means all of this fighting in all of this singularity pursuant to our religious beliefs and theological beliefs and perspectives on our political systems is not only extremely prejudiced and one-sided, but it is also so singular.  Based on how infinitesimal our understanding of that energy is compared to the total understanding that exists of that energy the understanding or understanding.  That is so far beyond what we as humans are capable of expressing that for us to think in any way that we have the sum total of how to express that energy that we call God makes is not only sanctimonious, which shows how stupid we really are.  Because anyone knows if that energy is omniscient, omnipotent and on the present that the energy goes endlessly in every direction, which means there can be no logical one single perspective of that energy since it goes equally out in all directions because of the goes equally out in all directions.  There can be no was singular way of understanding that energy.

And so as I have said my perspective of life and my understanding of life and my Pretoria love my life in the human condition is one that is very difficult for people to identify with or feel comfortable around, much less that very few people really understand.  Which is okay.  But I am nothing more than what I am.  I can be nothing else.  And as a human rights advocate, the foregoing discussion were discussions have actually been extremely germane.  In every way to my definition of in my expression of my human rights advocacy.  All through my life.  And most people have totally misunderstood my Transgenderism and my transvestitism because they have only looked at it from one particular perspective or another and not the sum total of all of the different forms of expression or the different aspects of my Transgenderism, which are not solely based upon one single position logically speaking or another.  One particular point of view or another that my Transgenderism and my entire expression of my life spiritually and in every other way is based upon everything I have said above, which comes out of the huge appreciation and respect for and support for and a Biden's with both of the sides of the argument.  Meaning the entire argument itself, because I celebrate humanity, not just one aspect or another.

Which is why I have always said that I firmly believe.  I will die alone.  Because there just aren't that many people who get what I'm about.  There's not a lot of people who really understand my thinking.  And that's okay.  I didn't survive in this world because people needed to understand how I think or how I would've.  I survived in this world, because one of the reasons that I came back to life was to try and be a voice in the world.  Not a very big boys just a voice.  However small, and however insignificant.  Just a voice for the greater good.  And then I never measured the effectiveness of my life on the basis of what I was trying to achieve as much as I always based.  The success or successes of my life on the basis of my attempts.  Because I have never believed that if you focus on the goal that you will achieve as much as if you focus on your attempt.  Because of you are focusing on the goal you are focusing on where you want to be, rather than all the details needed for you to get where you want to be which represent your attempt.  So I always put more energy into and give more attention to the attempt I am making.  Knowing that if I focus more on the attempt I am making the generally I will achieve the goal.  By not focusing on the goal and not focusing on my attempt.

That being said, my voice has reacted badly from doing this dictation.  Not real badly.  But my throat is sore and I need to stop because I'm becoming a little horse.  So I will stop for now and then I will try and write later.  But the foregoing really does represent a huge amount of what I am about if not the sum total of everything.  I am about.  And as I said I don't really expect many people to get it.  I'd be surprised if they did.  It took me 40 years to find Aileen.  It took me 40 years to find one single person who could actually love me for me.  And at age 63, I don't have another 40 years to go looking for someone.  So I said I probably will die alone.  And that's perfectly okay.  It's not a big deal.  People do it every day.

I'll write later.