Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

System Update: Speech Programs

6:22 AM:

After my experience yesterday trying to use my hands I finally got to the point where I ate understood that I was just going to have to use a speech program in order to get anything really done on the computer.  And after some testing, I have found that the security camera program is the thing that has been causing the issues with my system.  At least, it has caused an issue when I was trying to do my dictation earlier, using the Microsoft speech engine.  So that's what I'm basically doing.  And, from what I have been given to understand, along with my own personal experience, the Microsoft speech engine actually really does work very well.  It simply just requires a bit more articulation and slower speech.  And it is of course not as sophisticated as dragon naturallyspeaking.  But besides that, it really does work very well.

The problem with dragon naturallyspeaking, at least with my Computer System, has been the peculiar java code that it uses.  That java code has always and consistently caused problems on my system.  The only other thing as I said, that actually has been causing a problem, was the security camera attached directly to my computer.  So that if I'm trying to use my blog editor or do any browsing running the security camera at the same time generally ends up being a problem.  But as I've said before, I have two different security camera systems.  So that when the security camera that is attached directly to my computer is not running I still have the other six cameras attached to the other security camera system that are running.

I mean, doing the mail yesterday with my mouse was really no problem.  But at the same time, my hands actually did have some degree of carpal tunnel reaction.  So naturally that is something I just can't continue.  So that's where things stand now.  And as I said, the micros of speech engine is actually a very good program and works the tremendously well with Windows 7.  Furthermore, if it is not affected by registry cleaners or by junk file cleaners.  And I have had to make this kind of movement, because, during the winter months here in Cleveland, that is when arthritic victims suffer the most.

So which just simply going to take a little getting used to.  Along with using the program more often.  So, for the next few days, you can expect that some of my journal entries will be some what rough.  So over the next few days like I said, I'm just trying to have to work with the speech program to get it used to my voice.  But it does have a very powerful correction dialog.

I'm not going to deny that this is not frustrating.  Because it is.  But again I don't really have any choice.  Plus according to every thing I have written and oral I have experienced over the last several years.  Meaning since the Windows Vista came out, which is when speech recognition was actually part of the windows environment.  Microsoft and its speech engine has always worked a lot better with the windows environment than has dragon naturallyspeaking.

So that's basically how things are.  Dragon naturallyspeaking has gone through so many changes since version 9.  And basically dragon naturallyspeaking now, has become very comprehensive and oftentimes rather top heavy when it comes to the system memory and System Resources.  So, while using the Microsoft speech engine actually might end up being more rudimentary.  It will at the same time give me the ability to interact with my computer, wallop the same time not compromising system memory or System Resources.  And as I said, over time, it will in fact respond to my voice a great deal more accurately simply by using the program.  Because that is in fact the major of speech recognition.  The more you use a particular speech engine.  The more accurate the speech program becomes. 

My journal entry from last night should at the very least illustrate how difficult, emotionally, my life has actually become since my darling wife Aileen died.  And of course that does not mean under any circumstances, that what I'm going through is worse than what millions of other men and women and children are dealing with on a daily basis.  I don't ever want to make out what I'm going through as being worse than what others are dealing with.  But in my own life, this is actually one of the toughest times I have ever lived.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to try to do.

And what is important to also understand is that people who suffer with ptsd deal with the same kind of fonts I have on a daily basis.  Also it's important to understand, that the evenings all are always toughest times for those who suffer with various types of mental illness.  So the reality is, that whether I like it or not, I am just going to have to get used to the fact, that I'm going to be dealing with some of these kinds of thoughts for the foreseeable future.  And if anyone thinks that I'm really joking when I talk like I did in my journal entry last night.  That would be a mistake.  Because I'm not joking.  And that also, is something that I understand is rather normal when it comes to people who have lost a loved one.  It's just all things are.  It's just part of what I call, the bullshit that goes along with mental illness.  And, with any speech program, when you are first using it, it's just going to take time for the program to learn your voice.  And that's also going to take time for the speech program to get used to your voice.  Meaning, that it simply going to take time, for the speech program to become more accurate.  But again, that's just a matter of time.

But the reality is, that at least once every day, while I'm going through doing what I do during the day, I do was stand for at least a couple of minutes by the kitchen drawer and wonder.  Because I am in reality that tired of living.  Th but what does anyone expect?  I mean I've lost my wife.  Most of my own family has ended up hating me.  And I don't really have any friends or support.  So on are having to go through all of this pretty much alone.  And as I said, I fully understand that what I'm going through is somewhat rather normal.  It's what a lot of people who have lost a loved one experience. 

Plus, I have no idea as to how many people are reading my journal because they hate me as compared to the many people are reading my journal because they actually care about me.  And that in itself, is that least, rather disturbing.  I have to say, it was very depressing to have to go through all of the changes that took place regarding using dragon naturallyspeaking.  Because I actually felt like I was getting close to being able to use the program without any problems.  And then, of course, is it basically continued to blow up and my face.  Which of course doesn't make things any easier.  But at least I am becoming a lot more familiar with the limitations that my system has, when in fact I'm using any kind of speech program.  And I also have to say, that using the Microsoft speech engine is a lot more efficient than using dragon naturallyspeaking.  Because it doesn't use anywhere near as much System Resources or system memory.  So that is of course making things a lot easier.

According to the best experts I have spoken with over in the last 2 1/2 years.  They've told me that it is going to take on walls 10 years for me to work through the grief I am experiencing.  And they have told me that thoughts of suicide are in fact part of what I am going through.  That thoughts of suicide are extremely normal.  Meaning that a lot of people who lose someone very dear and of having various thoughts of suicide and as they goes through the grief they are experiencing.  In my case, there just are not very many people who really care whether I continue to live or not.  So that makes it easier for me not to care also.  But I'm trying.  I work as hard as I can every day.  I work as hard as I can to try to keep moving forward.  And some days are easier than others.  For example, yesterday I had an encounter with a jehovah's witness.  And they seemed very excited about the prospect of converting me to become a jehovah's witness.  What they don't understand is that there is no way I will ever do that.  Because I can't.  Not only have I made promises to my darling Aileen.  But at the same time, I can't do that.  Because, for me to do that would mean that I would have to compromise my own feelings regarding my Jewish heritage.  And that's something I am not going to do.  They're supposed to come by next week.  And when they do, I will have to explain to them and that I am under no circumstances going to ever convert to the jehovah's witness.  And that probably is going to be yet another very difficult conversation.

But, in any event, I finally have the speech program again.  And I am trying to move forward and use the speech program.  So we will see what happens.

In any event, I have some things I need to do this morning, before I begin my e-mail.  And then I will, come back.

I'll write later.