What my neighbors may think of me, or what others may think of me due to my writing, or some of my, sometimes, quirky, and perhaps peculiar behavior, including my transgenderism, and also including my other personality aspects, that sometimes have, in the past, and in present day caused, conflicts did not happen overnight.
No one, including me, thought, in any way, that anything had happened to me, from that year in the hospital in 1968. So, for years, from 1969, through and including, 1988 there was only one single time when I ever attempted suicide. At the same time, my temperament suffered. The resistance to certain types of authority, which never include any place where I worked, really came from two places. First it was my parents. And that, trust me, is a subject better left either alone, or for a separate journal entry. Suffice to say, my parents, meaning my adoptive parents, were highly alcoholic, lies were the rule of the house. And yelling was something that everyone did in my house all the time. Lots of yelling, at each other. Which, in some ways, made me more talkative as a child. And at the same time rather repressed. Repressed, as hard as that may seem to be possible, not so much in how I acted like the clown a lot of the time a child. But in how I used my acting like a clown to try and keep others from beating the crap out of me. And at the same time, to mask the rather strong feelings of abandonment that I had coming from home, because my parents were always getting drunk, at one point or another. And whenever they had any of their political parties at home. My sister and I were put in the upstairs playroom and not allowed to even leave the room until the party had completely ended, which was late enough to the point where we basically were there for the night.
Plus I was getting sick all the time as a child. I had spinal meningitis. And I was constantly plagued with various stomach illnesses. And when I had the mumps, my weight dropped so much that I never, until I got much older, like when I met my darling Aileen, was able to gain any weight at all, above about 150 pounds. And of course I was very short. Pretty much a midget. I was only 4’5” tall when I was 16 years old. Which was just before my spinal operation in 1968. (see my biographical profile ).
And what happened in the ward in 1968. Well, I only have about perhaps 20 memories from 1968. And from 1968 through and including 1973, I only have about 50 memories from that time. The rest has been sort of shut down as a result of the hysterical amnesia I have, which comes from my having PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But it was never discovered that I had that, until 1989, when I had a rather large nervous breakdown.
When I had my breakdown, where I had been really quite social before. I then became extremely agoraphobic. So much so, that unless I feel safe with the person I am with, I won’t even go anywhere with them, let alone into their home, or to someone else’s home.
So, in my neighborhood, on the one hand I feel safe. Meaning that I don’t think that my neighbors are planning on killing me or setting fire to my home. But at the same time, I don’t feel very safe because of how some neighbors hate me so much. When, while I have searched and searched my mind, I haven’t really acted out against anyone. So I’m reclusive. But when I’m out walking I am trying, and do a pretty good job of being outward and friendly to everyone. At least I try.
I don’t talk to many of the neighbors who live close to me, and I don’t go out much, because dealing with losing Aileen is a lot more difficult than I talk about most of the time. And because I know how much so many are suffering in the world. I tend to not want to go out much. Because all I have to talk about is my darling Aileen, and human rights. Neither of which I feel comfortable talking to most people about because I know that most people don’t like talking about either of those things.
So, I stay to myself. In my mind, it’s just the better part of valor.
So, often what others see, when they look at me, is not what I really am. Either the person is choosing to not look at me and see what I really am. Or they have a hard time seeing what I really am. So again, it becomes easier and the better part of valor for me to stay to myself. And so that’s what I do.
I do struggle every day, several times a day with thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. And I fight those feelings as much as I can.But when they become to overwhelming, I then lay down and rest for about an hour, or meditate, in order to re-center. So again, it just becomes easier and the better part of valor to stay to myself.
I have never hated a single human being in my entire life, regardless of what they have done, to me or anyone else, whether intentionally or not. It has always been, for me, behavior, the choices that we make that I have any kind of dislike and/or hatred for. But I have never associated, those feelings, inside of myself to the actual person. Because I have always found, and believed that the choices we make are our own. And that when we act out badly, myself included, it’s because of our own free will. Our own choices. No one takes a gun to someone’s head and makes them behave a certain way. So when someone acts out with racism or violence, or other forms of poor behavior I look at the behavior, not as a reflection of the person. But as a reflection of their choices. Thus, their behavior.
And so, now in these years where I am approaching 63, I am for the most part very reclusive, and mostly misunderstood by many. And because I realize the futility of trying to explain myself to others, because often times it never works out very well. I again, just stay to myself.
So, in the United States, It’s Labor Day weekend. Tomorrow and Monday there will be all sorts of families out and around. And since I basically have no family. Again, it’s just the better part of valor to stay to myself.
Like I said, how I write is much different than how I am in real life. Regardless of what others think they might see, or think that they might know. I never aspire to be, and have never aspired to be, anything more than just to do the best that I can at being me. And often that’s a huge job in itself.
I need to stop for now. But before I go, I’m going to again put up my stand on being pro-life and my stand on religion so that everyone will know that when I say that I love all people, it’s true. I really do, and always have….
I’ll write later…
My Pro-Life Statement
For the record, I am pro-life . I do not support violence against, or the killing of any human being under any circumstances! In the entire 62 years of my life I have never raised my hands in anger at, or struck a single human being. And the only way that I ever deviate from that stand is that I do not believe that God has ever given any human the right to dictate to any woman how she is to arbitrate her life with the Almighty, and/or God . Therefore, I believe that all women deserve the right to choose for themselves the fate of their own bodies, pursuant to their relationship with the Almighty, and/or God . My position regarding this statement is more fully explained in my article entitled: Second Gear.
My Statement On Religion
For the record, I do not now, nor have I ever hated any human being on earth. I do not hate, regarding my spirituality, and spiritual beliefs, anything that the energy that is beyond this world that so many of us call, God, did make. Meaning that I do not hate the “humanity” that exists within any human being. However, God did not make the personal choices that humans make, regarding how they behave, and/or present themselves, to the world. So if a human being chooses, of their own free will to demonstrate their behavior with racism, bigotry, prejudice, and hatred for other humans, on the basis of their own free will choice as to how they define their spirituality within themselves, that is their own choice. So I do not hate any human being for being that which God did make. I hate only the choices and the manner in which humans have decided to demonstrate their behavior to one another. Whereby, as a result of those choices, war and mass murder have all too often been the primary result. I do not hate religion. However, I will never give my support to “any” religion, that has ever caused harm to, or killed, a single human being, in any way, as a result of the religion demonstrating, or manifesting it’s presence in the world. If any religion has ever harmed or killed a single human being, I respect the right of all humans to believe what they want in life. And subsequently, to follow whatever religion they choose. however, I, personally, will under no circumstances give my support for, or to, any religion, or theological belief, that has ever harmed or killed even a single human being. This is what I have dedicated my life to as a spiritualist and a pacifist here on earth. So any attempt by anyone to portray me as hating anyone is a lie. Because that is not so, as the foregoing clearly explains.
The mind is like a book. Opened and much is learned. Closed and nothing is learned. (N. Maschke – 1994)