Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Daily Life

5:15 PM:

Blogging:

Again, it's really important that I make sure everyone understands  that when I write human rights articles.  It's not the way I really am in real life.  It's important that you know that right at the outset.  Because I'm not like this in real life.  I'm not going to deny that as an intellectual.  I don't have some degree of being a type a personality.  Because I am.  But at the same time because of my life experience.  I have never been one to put more value on gaining the goal rather than simply making the attempt.  I've always been more concerned with at least trying to do my best simply to be myself than I have with trying to be better than someone else.

And as I've already explained many times this journal is not supposed to be the final answer on anything is simply the byproduct of my thoughts and my opinions with the life I have lived in this world.  My birth mother as my biographical profile clearly shows, was missed treated horribly while she was dying.  As she was giving birth to me in 1950..  Many people believe as I do that my mother was basically murdered.  But regardless of that fact for seven days.  I was an orphan.  I was in fact a bastard.  Meaning, born out of wedlock.  But I was then of course sold to the Maschke family.  But as I have previously illustrated in a number of journal entries.  There is more than enough evidence to substantiate that I am in fact actually the biological child of my father.  Meaning that I am actually of the bloodline of the Maschke family.


With the foregoing having been said, I can say with absolute certainty that I take a lot of pride in the patriotism that my father showed in his life, even though we had connections with the criminal underworld.  And I take a tremendous amount of pride in the public service, and the support for this country and the Constitution of the United States that my grandfather showed as being the leader of the Republican Party for all Northeastern Ohio.  That kind of patriotism has always been one of my driving concepts within my own life.

So when I write human rights part of my job is to be as incisive as possible as confrontational as possible.  To incite the reader.  Whereby their emotions are drawn to the surface so that they do not look at what I am writing with any kind of postured thinking, but in fact will look at my writing with a gut response pursuant to the human rights violations.  I write about.  And to do so with the intention of giving the reader a perspective of the possible other choices that we humans have with regard to how we deal with human rights, not only for ourselves but for our children and the future.

And for that reason, I realize that a lot of my articles tend to make people very angry and are not really very pleasant to read because I am really and truly in your face with the documentation and the proof that I research and that I provide.  But that's human rights.  There is a lot going wrong with our world right now.  Right-wing extremism has become literally, the enemy of humankind in every nation on the planet.  And as I have already explained a number of times in my journal.  There is no place in the entire world except for one small island in the South Pacific, known as, Pitcain Island.  That is the only place on the planet, ladies and gentlemen, where people are not trying to kill each other.  As a result of religion and politics.  And if that does not say something remarkable about us as a people, as a species in this world, then I do not know what does.

In reality, if we don't stop this kind of ugly hatred that we have between us in this world.  Whereby right-wing extremists, and the wealthy are trying to murder us and take as much from us as possible.  If we don't stop this, we will not have anything left to give to our children.  Because we will have destroyed not only our own species but our future as well.  And that, in my estimation, would be a terrible crime.  Not to mention that it would be absolutely inexcusable.

But the reality is, as I have always said, this is simply my Journal.  That's all it really is.  It's not meant to be anything else.  It can't be anything else.  It's not a political blog.  Because I don't only deal with politics in this journal.  I deal with matters of science and with my personal life with my grief process for losing my darling wife Aileen.  And I of course deal with various types of human rights issues from around the world.

It's also that place where I argue with myself and I fight with myself over various issues going on in my life.  For example, this morning the entire matter about the summons and jury duty for me.  Finally came to a head.  I talked with the officer from the court and I explained the situation about my personal health and everything going on in my life and I began.  Unfortunately, to get a little emotional and they immediately saw that it was really inappropriate to try to have me on the jury.  Not only because of my weakened bladder condition which prevents me from being able to sit down without having to get up every 30 minutes in order to eliminate.  But also from the fact that I have low blood sugar.  Whereby after about three hours or four hours.  The potentiality of me going into hypoglycemic shock is extremely high.  And then of course there are the issues of my thinking my ability to think clearly under certain kinds of pressure, which just does not always happen the way I want it to.  Generally, I'm fairly good under pressure where I definitely get everything done that needs to be done..  But at the same time because I have two different kinds of posttraumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.  I end up having uncontrollable flashbacks where I begin to behave somewhat erratically or possibly hysterically, although not openly hysterically but with a kind of hysteria underneath the surface.  Whereby my thinking and thought processes are my behavior isn't as consistent as I would like it to be.

Nothing in my life in what I have described above is going to change.  It's actually only going to eventually degrade as I get older.  That's the reality.  I can use all sorts of various techniques which I do in order to try to preserve my mental acuity and my agility and my physical health as much as possible.  And I probably have a lot more knowledge of how to do that than most people.  But at the same time.  The reality is that the physical body breaks down over time and you only go a certain distance before things begin to break down rather substantially.  And when that happens here having to use everything you have inside of you.  Your mental abilities, your soul, your spirit, your energy, your physical self to do everything you can to try to keep going forward, and it will just get harder and harder as time goes on.

So diet becomes increasingly important.  Thinking clearly and giving yourself time to always be as grounded as possible, and is centered as possible.  Also becomes equally as important.  And the given is that when you have any kind of mental illness.  The pressure on you to be honest with yourself is probably 10 times greater than for normal people or people without any severe degree of mental illness or type of mental illness.  Because those who are mentally ill are much more prone to playing games with themselves and being dishonest with themselves, so they have to work harder to be honest with themselves.  Because of the tendency to be dishonest with themselves.  And all of this means, of course, as I said that as I get older.  Things are just going to break down.  They are going to degrade even further than they already have.  It's the reality.  Just like the reality of my wife dying was that everyone understood including myself, that there was no way to save her life.  All we were going to do was try to give her more time.  And while she was dying.  I did not have the opportunity.  Nor was I even allowed to be very much in touch with my feelings because I had to be always on it.  Meaning I had to always be on alert.  I had to be aware of every single movement.  She made every single sound that she made.  Because every single sound during the time she was dying might have actually been the very last sound she might ever make.  So I always had to be on alert .  No matter what.

And that of course took a huge toll on me.  It was tremendously debilitating and to this day 2 1/2 almost 3 years later I am still suffering with tremendous nightmares and trauma from having to watch her die.  Although I'm not as emotional as I was during the first year or the beginning of the second year.  I am slowly finding my way.  But it is really as a result of neighbors who I meet while I'm out walking who give me the greatest degree of assistance, just buy something small.  They might say something very slight.

So when you are reading my journal articles realize that a lot of the bombastic quality of my writing or the confrontational aspects of my writing are by design.  I have to write that way.  I have to be that pointed.  Because the extremists in the United States, specifically the right wing Christian extremists of the United States are exactly that pointed and that vile and that confrontational and what they are saying to the general public.  They have that much hatred for freedom they had that much hatred for the minorities in this country.  That is something I can personally attest to.  All my life as a Jewish American, I have had to deal with various types of racism coming from the Catholic and the Christian communities.  And always as a Jew, I was required to laugh with the racist jokes about Jews or the racist jokes about minorities because if I didn't I would have been.  Let's say or discovered.  Whereby I would not have had the chance to keep going forward.  So I had to play games I had to put on fronts.  I had to disguise my inner self, so that people would not really know very much about me or who I was.  I had to live a very plan to steam life.

And it's also very true that the right wing Christian extremists will never admit to doing anything wrong in this world  because, in their mind killing and murdering women than treating minorities with hatred and contempt, like they always do is exactly what they believe Jesus wants them to do.  That's how absolutely monstrous and deluded they really are.  Because they believe that Jesus Christ stood for hatred and for violence and killing and mass murder because that's exactly what they the Catholics and Christians have done throughout their entire history.  Or are we forgetting that even to this very day, the Catholic Church has never once told the truth about anything in the entire world unless they were forced to do so in a court of law?  Are we forgetting all of the many thousands and even tens of thousands of sexual abuse cases that the Catholic Church has been found guilty of?

With these kinds of facts, it becomes very clear that the way that the Catholics and Christians look at Jesus Christ is at the very least extremely diluted because they are not following the teachings of Jesus Christ.  And I do know part of the reason why because I have done the research.  But knowing the reason why does not give us as our human condition.  The ability to be able to fix the problem.  Because knowing the reason why doesn't give any kind of evidence as to how we can actually resolve these kinds of conflicts because you're talking about generational ideologies.  Generational perceptions perceptions and ideas that are taught from one generation to the next.  So logically speaking, pursuant to the Socio-anthropological dynamics of our species.  The end result becomes very clear.  That we as in fact human beings are going to get to a point where the file and sand the conflict and the right wing extremism will be so pronounced, and so aggravated and so virile and that global conflict will at one point or another.  Take place.  And with the level of explosives and weaponry that we have as human beings.  These days.  In this current time, the results of that kind of conflict are going to be pretty much a ruined world.  But then, that's pretty much what we are already giving to our children already.  And that in itself is something I find totally and completely inexcusable.  That it's not fair of us as adults in this world to be so irresponsible and so filled with hatred that we can't learn how to be friends for the sake of our children.  That just basically shows how selfish and self oriented and evil.  We have really become as people here in this world.  Because we are not thinking of giving our children a world they can build on or to improve.  We are giving our children a world that is so broken that they are going to have to use every ounce of their resources and their intelligence and their ingenuity to try to fix the damage that we in our current time have in fact done to ourselves into this world.  And as I've said before, I think that is absolutely one of the cruelest things we could ever do to our children.

With regard to mental illness.  All I can tell you is that a lot of us who are mentally ill, understand very clearly that knowing the reasons why we have certain disorders does nothing to help us prevent any of those disorders.  It just doesn't happen.  Because understanding why we have certain things going on within us, doesn't really give us the tools to be able to fix any of those things.  And because the Republican Party and the tea party has so much hatred for people who are disability.  They have basically cut medical services so badly for those who are disabled that many of us can even get the medical care.  We desperately need.  I'm in that situation right now.  Sure, I can go and see a doctor, but I might have to wait three or four hours to be able to get in to see the doctor because the doctors so behind schedule that he's generally 40 minutes or longer behind schedule so that I might have to wait there two or three hours before I can even get in to see him.  And then I only get between 15 and 20 minutes to see him because there is such a shortage of doctors in the city of Cleveland and all thanks to the Republican Party and tea party who have nothing but hatred for the mentally ill and for the disabled.  They hate us.  They would like us to die.  They would like to kill us.  They would love to be able to walk into our homes and shoot us to death.  That's exactly how they make us feel.

And I'm not the only one who feels that way.  I've talked to a number of veterans who feel exactly the same way as I do.  That the Republican Party has gone out of their way to make things as difficult as possible for the disabled people in this country.  I belong to a number of veteran groups as a non-veteran, but as a supporter of the veterans, where I signed petitions on their behalf.  I do that almost every day.  And when asked if I'm a veteran I of course say that I am not.  But when asked if I have a family member who is a veteran, I generally say no..  Even though my father was a veteran buddies no longer alive, so I had to know.  But I still belong to those groups, and I support those groups because I support our veterans because I support this country.

So is your reading my journals I realized that the knee-jerk reaction is to have nothing but hatred for me, but I think that is a mistake.  Because I'm not that way.  I'm just another American citizen getting old.  In this country with failing health or health issues that are rather challenging where I'm simply trying to make my way and to get through this life.  That's all I'm trying to do in my human rights effort here in my journal is just simply my attempt to be a voice regardless of how well versed small or insignificant my voice might be.  But to be a voice on the side of the greater good.  The good for all people.  Whereby I support liberty and freedom and happiness for every human being in this world.  And of course, as a result of not only that but my being an American citizen, I naturally and prepared to give my life at any given second to protect and defend the Constitution.  But as a pacifist, I will not pick up a gun, but I have no problem dying in defense of the Constitution.

Schedule:

It has been a very long day.  But the reality is that I actually did get everything done on my schedule for the first time in almost 10 days.  So that is significant.  I have been able to make substantial gains today.  Tomorrow I have a lot of things I have to get done.  I have household chores that need to be done, and I have to mow the lawn and I have to clean the air conditioner all number of things.  It just have to be done.  Plus, it's the weekend, and even though my days generally are the same.  One day after another.  Because I am disabled the weekends.  Still, to some degree holds some special significance for me.  It's a time when I tried to go a little bit slower and try to make time for myself to relax and have some fun.  But there really isn't much fun in my life.  Because I'm either working or sleeping.  That's all I basically ever do.  Like I said.  Nobody comes to my home for anything other than unless they want something.  Nobody comes to say hello.  Nobody comes for a visit.  It's just not done.  Which is why I know that a lot of the people who really do hate me.  Must be very happy knowing that I am pretty much alone in the world.  They probably are feeling so pleased with themselves that they are getting everything they want, including me, suffering alone, without any friends that probably makes them very happy and I'm glad that they are happy.  Because even though I am alone.  I still do find ways to enjoy myself.  You just have to be a bit more creative.

So that being said, I think what I'm going to do is just kick back for the evening and watch a little TV.  And then try and get some sleep.  I actually slept a lot during the day because my energy level was fluctuating so we will see how well I can sleep tonight, but hopefully I should be able to at least I hope I will.

And I will of course write later.