Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

System update: blogging

I just put up a rather difficult message I had to write about watching my wife die.  That's actually the title of the particular journal entry, on WordPress that I just wrote.  And I didn't put it up here on blogger.  Because the really nice thing about Google on blogger is none of you here on blogger and Google have ever deserted me.  You never have.  Google has always stood by my side.  So has blogger.  All of you, regardless of whether you are Christians are Catholics or Jews or Muslims here on blogger have always stood by my side.  So I didn't put that message, or the one previous about my anger at the behavior of the Republican Party and the Christian conservatives, up on blogger.  Because you people on blogger are real human beings.  The people on WordPress aren't.  The people on WordPress are for the most part very concerned with making money.  That's what WordPress is all about making money and advancing the cause of the conservative agenda.  The cause of the right wing Christian extremists in the Republican Party.

Having to write that one article I just wrote about having to watch my wife die was one of the hardest things I've had to write in a long time.  It took just about every amount of energy I have in my body right now, not physical energy, but emotional energy.  Because I still have a nightmare about that one afternoon in the summer of 2010 when my darling Aileen my wife was terrified out of her wits because she thought she was going to have to sleep on the floor because the Republican Party in the Christian conservatives told her she was not a Christian, so she didn't deserve a hospital bed.  And I know that the good Christian conservatives in the Republican Party will never read that Journal entry on WordPress because they are not allowed to.  That's how they operate with blinders on their brain.

But as I also have said.  Thank God for the good Catholics and the good Christians and the good Jews who stood by my side on that afternoon in the summer of 2010.  Because they stood right by my side and they made sure that my darling wife who was dying of liver cancer would not be treated with that kind of disrespect or hatred.  And I'm very grateful for that.  But that nightmare never goes away.  In the Republican Party and the Christian conservatives wanted to stab me and put a knife into my heart.  They were successful because on that day.  They succeeded driving a huge knife into my heart and trying to kill my wife and to this day I have a nightmare about that afternoon.  It usually happens when I'm in the deepest of sleep.  Which is why once a week I become tired within my mind to the point where I get down on my knees, usually in the afternoon or the evenings and I'm that God.  I begged God with all of my heart and soul to please let me die.  Living in this world without my darling Aileen is probably the worst part of my entire life.  But then living in a world without my darling Aileen and being subjected to the hatred of the Republican Party and the prejudice of the Christian conservative extremists in this country has made my life a living hell.

Which is why when I go out and I'm walking in the neighborhood to and from the store.  I fill up my heart and my soul with as much of God as possible.  I try to let the Holy Spirit, or that energy of God radiate through every movement and every vibration in my body so that I can be as kind and is compassionate to every single human being I encounter.  Because I am determined not to allow the hatred of the Republican Party and the prejudice and the ugly hatred of the right wing Christian extremists to drive their hatred into my life, or into my soul.  I am determined to stand by God.  Instead of standing by the side of the Republican Party in the Christian conservative extremists.  They can have their hatred.  But don't never draw me down to their level, no matter what.

So I don't hate anyone.  But I will never deny that I hate the way we behave.  I hate our choices.  I hate the way we have become as human beings were we allow our religion and our politics to basically drive hatred into our lives so much that we aren't even able to love each other the way God loves us.  So I hate the behavior that humankind takes on these days and I no longer feel like I'm even wanted in this world or this life at all is the only one who ever really wanted me around was my wife.  And she's dead.

But I'm always grateful to Google and grateful to blogger because of all the services around on the Internet.  Google is one of the services who has always stood by my side.  The matter what and when I have so little left in my life anymore.  A gesture like that means a great deal.

But I'm really tired today, emotionally.  I'm really beat up.  I had that nightmare about that afternoon in the summer of 2010, four times last night and I just had it again this morning.  So, emotionally, I'm rather tired.  And yet I have to keep going.  There's so much to do, no time to rest.

But I wanted to say thank you here on blogger, which is my main Journal my testimony to God in the last years I will live here on earth, and that Journal my darling wife Aileen wanted to do with me, but never got the chance to do so.  This Journal on blogger where the real people are.  The people who know compassion the people who are willing to reach out and be a friend to me, even though most people think I'm a waste of time.  Google never has and I'm grateful for that to my dying days I will always be grateful for that.

So excuse me if I don't do any new stories today I'm just rather wounded inside I'm just at a point Rhine need to rest to give my brain and my heart and soul just a little rest.