Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Reality Check

First of all, I did get my check.  But now I can explain exactly why my mood has been suffering these last several weeks.  And I want to make it perfectly clear that nothing I have gone through during these last couple weeks can compare in any way with what other people are dealing with.  I know that.  There are a lot of people right now in our country, let alone around the world who are suffering terribly.  Nothing I have ever gone through can ever come close to comparing with the level of suffering that so many people are dealing with right now, including those wonderful and brilliant families of Prescott, Arizona, who lost all of those courageous firefighters in that terrible fire.

So, first of all my heart and my thoughts and my prayers go out to everyone who has suffered during this month of June.  That's only fair.

As to my own situation and why my mood has suffered so badly.  There are some very substantial reasons why.  I did not talk about this in detail while it was happening because if I had it would have depressed me so badly that I would've had a hard time keeping going.  But the reality is very simple.

I had no toilet paper so I was having to use a washcloth and then wash it every time.  Whenever I had to go to the John.  I had no paper towels.  I had no Letter.  I had no coffee.  I had virtually no food in my house at all other than what I got from the food center, and a lot of that had rather high sodium, which made it not really good for me to eat.  So basically it was a very difficult and extremely strenuous time psychologically and emotionally.

This did not happen because I was stupid.  Because I'm not stupid.  I may be a lot of things but one of the things I am not is stupid.  This all only happened simply because of a very slight mathematical miscalculation on my part as a result of having a rather high water bill and at the same time finishing the last payment of a medical bill that I had to pay from before Aileen died.  So that basically cut me short.  And by the end of the second week or the beginning of the third week of June.  I was basically running out of everything.

All during this time as concerned as Evelyn sometimes likes to make herself out as being.  She never once called to check on me to see if I was okay.  Nobody did.  But then, nobody checks on a lot of the people who are on fixed income and lower income like myself.  I know of neighbors right now in my neighborhood who are getting so little money to live on while at the same time they have to pay extremely high costs for medication that some of them are eating dog food and cat food because they can't afford to buy themselves food or a lot of the supplies they need to survive because the Republican Party and the tea party and the right wing Christian extremists are so hysterical about money and so filled with hatred that they are doing everything they can to cut costs, not realizing the human factor.

So I did my best.  And if I ended up having a slightly sour disposition during the month of June.  It was simply because I was having such a hard time trying to survive.  And when I went to the store this morning and I didn't go far.  I only went a couple of blocks.  But the air outside is so difficult to breathe that I actually was getting dizzy on the way home so I had to stop a couple of times to rest.  Even though I exercise and I am in fairly decent physical shape.  The air outside is extremely difficult to breathe.

But because I was out of everything I didn't have any choice.  The cats virtually had no Food.  So it was a very strenuous month, but I did get through the month.  Like I said I would.  Because I always do.  One way or the other.  I get through.

I am finally having coffee, which I have not had in two weeks and that also has had an effect on my mood.  I also now have the kinds of foods that I actually do need to eat being hypoglycemic, which I did not have before, or have not had for the last two weeks.  So all during those two weeks I was also battling low blood sugar most of the time.  And again I didn't talk about these details while they were happening, meaning while things were happening because if I had I would've ended up so depressed, or in such a bad mood I would've had a hard time keeping going, and that's not the object of the game.  The object is to keep going no matter what.  And that's what I do.

When I went over to Aileen's ashes this morning to kiss her.  Good morning, I promised her that I would not be too hard on Evelyn.  And I said to her, simply, I know my darling.  She's the baby.  I will remember that I promise.

Because it's true Evelyn is the youngest of the three children with Claude being the oldest and Aileen was the middle child.  So Aileen was in many ways.  After Aileen's mother and father died Evelyn's mother.  And one of the things Aileen and I talked about before she died was that she wanted me to always make sure that I would take care of that one because in so many ways psychologically and emotionally.  She is rather frail.  So while I have sounded off over the past few days with indignation about how Claude and Evelyn have basically treated me a lot of that's sounding off is because I was under a tremendous amount of duress myself because I basically had nothing in the house and I was struggling to keep going.  The reality is I'm not that kind of mean spirited person.  I never have been a matter what.

As a matter of fact, a neighbor yesterday called me and they were in tears because they had run out of everything and they didn't have anything whatsoever, and I offered them some of the little bit that I had and they told them that was not necessary because they really only needed just $20 because they needed to buy some medication for themselves because they are diabetic.  So I gave them a couple of suggestions of people who they might be able to call, and they were of course greatly relieved.  And they were very thankful that I was there for them to at least talk to and they knew that if they really needed to they could come over to my house at any time, and I would share everything I have with them no matter what because that's the kind of person I have always been.

I can't even begin to explain the amount of relief I feel finally having the food and supplies in the house which I have not had for almost 2 weeks.  When people look at my property or the property of this house and they see it looking really nice.  They have no idea of the amount of struggle and how desperate things really are or were for me inside.  Only a couple of people who actually would come over to visit with me.  New exactly how desperate things were, but they are also poor like me.  So we would laugh about it and understand that one way or the other we will simply get through, which I did.  Which we all did.

There are a lot of people in this country who take for granted that monthly check they get from the government, a lot of people look at that check as money they have earned like they deserve that money.  But as I have said before I have never looked at it that way.  Not once.  I have always looked at my disability check from the government as the result of the kindness of the people of this country and the federal government passing the legislation whereby I could get that check and I have always looked at that disability check as a paycheck and that my responsibility for receiving that money is to earn that money every single day, which is what I tried to do.

Part of how I earn that money is by signing petitions and by writing in my journal as a human rights advocate to speak out for equality and human rights not only in the United States but around the world.  Another way I earn that money is by not taking drugs not drinking not using that money for anything that could be considered really terrible and negative or harmful to myself or other people.  The only thing I do is smoke tobacco, and a pipe.  I smoke a pipe.  But that's all I do.  I take no prescription medications I take no drugs.  I don't drink I don't do anything.  The only kind of medication I take every morning are vitamins.  And the only reason I do that, despite all of the new evidence saying that vitamins don't really mean anything.  The only reason I take vitamins is because I'm hypoglycemic and because a lot of my physical processes have been damaged as a result of my operation.  So the vitamins actually do help me.

Another way I earn that check is I work on this house and I work on my life in every way possible to be as productive every single day as I possibly can to improve myself to be a good neighbor to neighbor's in my neighborhood to be a good citizen to this country to try to always really loved my fellow Americans, regardless of who they are what they have done.

When I sound off about the Republican Party and the tea party and the right wing Christian extremists being ass holes it's important to remember that I am never talking about what God made in any of them.  Meaning their soul or them as human beings.  When I sound off about the Republican Party and the tea party and the right wing Christian extremists in this country.  I am talking about their choices, their behavior not them as human beings.  Because I have never hated anyone in my life.  But I will admit I have had a lot of hatred for the kinds of choices that we humans have made here in the world.  Because the choices we have made over the years that I have lived in this world, meaning over the last 62 years I have been alive.  Those choices have produced a level of racism and conflict and hatred in this world, which is basically tearing apart the entire fabric of humanity.

So I do my best every single day to earn that money in every way possible.  I'm not going to deny that I spend a lot of my disability check on telecommunications, but that is something that I promised Aileen that we would maintain regardless of anything.  I promised her that I would continue as a human rights advocate.  So the telecommunications that I spend money on is extremely important because I have to have access to the Internet.  I have to have access in such a way so that I can do the petitions and do the email and stay in touch and be a voice however small or insignificant in this world for the greater good on the side of speaking out for human rights.

So while a lot of people might look at their Social Security check with a disability check as something they have earned.  I have never looked at it that way.  I have always looked at it as being a direct result of the kindness of the people of this country and this country and the government passing the legislation whereby I can get that check and I am always grateful.  I am grateful every single day I wake up.  And what most people don't know about me is that I am extremely spiritual I pray on the average almost 100 times a day, every day, in various forms of meditation.  I pray for my fellow Americans, I pray for my fellow human beings all over the world.  I pray for this country.  I pray for my neighbors.  I pray for Aileen's family.  I pray for the Maschke family members who don't want anything to do for me.  I pray for everyone.

But my prayers are done in a form of meditation that most people will never understand because it's not the kind that is customarily done in most of the religions in this world.  Still and all, I've always believed that you petition God with prayer.  And that's what I do.

So for anyone to think that I'm going to be some kind of religious Bible thumper.  That is a mistake because I will never be that I am extremely spiritual and I have no use for religion because religion is basically put each of us or whole sections of the world against each other and made us hate ourselves and I don't like what has done to this world and all the people that have been murdered and killed, and all the conflict.  So I do everything I can every day to earn that check that I'm given every month by being as good of a human being is I possibly can, and justifying to my fellow Americans and to this wonderful government in this country that I really am earning that money even though I'm not able to go out and physically work and be part of the workforce anymore.  I do everything I can to earn that money.

And as I said today in Cleveland, Ohio, on the shores of Lake Erie.  The air is so bad that the air quality has been rated as poor for the last three weeks.  And it's going to get worse.  Which is one of the reasons I moved the air conditioner to the front of the house so that I could basically climate control the entire front portion of the house and make it easier for me to breathe.  My smoking a pipe has very little to do with my breathing ability as I've said before, my pulmonary function regarding my lung strength is rated at 98%.  I'm 62 years old and my pulmonary function has a 98% rating, which means my lungs are incredibly strong.  But even though that's the case when I walked two blocks today in this kind of air outside.  I was actually getting dizzy.  And part of that of course is because my diet has been off which it is now getting back to becoming much more normal.

And I'm not writing this so that anyone will feel sorry for me or feel proud of me that's not why I'm doing it.  I'm writing this down because I wanted to be a matter of record.  This Journal, among all the other things I have said, that these journals are is in fact a map of my life as I go through the final years I'm going to be here in the world.  A map for my daughter and a map for anyone else who might be interested in learning how my life is proceeding.  So that is why I am recording everything I have in the foregoing paragraphs.  To simply be honest about how I have behaved over the last two weeks not to make any excuses for my behavior because I don't accept excuses for crappy behavior.  I never have, whether it's my own or anyone else's.  But I have written these things down as an explanation, and only an explanation so that those who are in fact taking the time to read this Journal entry will understand that I'm fully aware of my own shortcomings over the past several weeks, but I was doing the best I could.

I have a lot of physical things that are wrong with my body that I don't talk about much, but they are things that are wrong with my body that I deal with, but again I don't talk about them that much because I don't think they have any significance compared to what other people are doing within their own lives.  So I don't really see the point in talking about them unless it actually becomes pertinent to what I might be writing at the moment.  For example, when I am doing a news story.

On the way home, I met a young woman in her 30s and we talked about how difficult this month was and she told me she had four children and it trying to get through this month with one of the most difficult things she had ever done.  We introduced ourselves to each other and we made friends.  And I told her that if she your children ever got into a bind and they needed any assistance whatsoever that they get always knock on my door and I gave her my address.  And she said what we all really try to help each other, hoping that the other person will respond in kind.  And I said to her, they generally don't because they generally are in such desperate straits.  I said so generally it doesn't matter whether they respond or not, because it's up to us who are able to help to do so.  And she smiled and she said that's absolutely right.

So that was how my morning went.  And that's how the last two weeks have been.  At one point about seven days ago during the evening I wrote about how this month was testing me psychologically and emotionally in ways I have not been tested in a number of years.  That I had never felt so strained.  But I also said I would get through.  And I did.

I can't tell you how good it feels to have a cup of coffee.  Plus how good it feels to finally have milk in the house.  Not to mention how good it feels to finally have cat litter and to have cat food for my cats.  Without cat litter.  I had do actually go through the house and find paper to Terra paper to put in the litter box because I didn't have any cat litter because I had no money.

Things were that tough.  But at the same time.  What I went through like I've said before, can't even compare with what other people are going through right now there is no way that anything I have to compare with what they're dealing with.  Which is why I pray so many times during the day so that these people will least feel coming from somewhere that someone is thinking of them and praying for them as hard as they can.

And trust me, I don't think I'm special, not by any means.  Getting through last night was one of the hardest things I had to do that I can think of in recent memory.  Being back in the house with the air being filtered really is such a relief.  The moment you step outside right now you can feel how heavy and how difficult that air is to breathe.  It really is.  It's extremely oppressive.  And that's something that's a little bit different for the Great Lakes region of the United States as compared to a lot of the Western states.  Because the Great Lakes region of the United States has a tremendous amount of humidity and what basically happens is that heat domes are actually formed over the city, which traps a lot of the pollution right in the city.  And where I live is actually part of the main city of Cleveland.  Even though the downtown center of Cleveland is about 2 miles away.

So the air in Cleveland and places like Detroit and Chicago and Buffalo all around the Great Lakes.  There are these heat domes over the cities where the pollution is basically trapped in the city, making the air extremely difficult to breathe.  That's why during the summer almost every year there are number of people who die in places like Chicago, Detroit and even other areas of Michigan and Illinois.  The humidity in these areas basically traps that pollution right over the city and then with the combination of the heat and the humidity the air becomes really difficult for people as they get older to breathe.

But in any event, I'm back inside.  I have all the supplies I need plus I have a sizable balance in my checking account to make sure I can get through the month without any problems whatsoever.  I've been a financial analyst for 45 years, handling money and dealing with money is second nature to me.  And as I said the month of June was as a result of nothing more than a slight miscalculation on my part.  And because it happened to me once.  I can guarantee you this.  It will never happen again.  Because I'm now going to be a lot more careful.

To give you an example.  At the local convenience store.  I spent $84.  Just getting the supplies I needed for the house.  The little cart that I used to carry shopping bags was filled to overflowing.  And like I said, as soon as I started pulling that card on my way home because of the way the air was I actually got dizzy.  So I immediately slowed down.

In any event, my plan now is to have breakfast and then to go up and shave.  Evelyn will probably call sometime today or tomorrow.  And as I promised Aileen when I kissed her ashes this morning.  I am going to remember that Evelyn is the baby and I will fulfill my promise to Aileen and be mindful of that.  And I will do everything I can do always take care of her.  Regardless how frustrated I sometimes get.  That's how Aileen and I lived our lives.  That's how we were to each other and with each other.  We always tried to help those who needed our help no matter what.

And while I'm having breakfast, I will of course, begin working on my petitions.  Because I know that's really important because even though I sometimes feel that they don't do much good.  I know they are important.  And then because I finally have my newsreader a little more organized.  I will probably be doing a number of news stories during the day.  And as I said before I generally post my news stories to my WordPress Journal only because on WordPress.  There really isn't any limit as to how many journal articles.  I can post during any given day.  As there are on my Journal over on blogger .  So for those of you who are reading my Journal on blogger .  If you are interested in seeing the news stories I am putting up on a daily basis from my newsreader that I am gathering.  Please look to my Journal on WordPress .  The highlighted links for my Journal on WordPress and blogger in this paragraph lead directly to my Journal on each of those services.  So it's really easy for you to go ahead and look and see what I'm actually writing about.

I've also perfected or gotten used to the manner of posting from my android phone.  So again, like I said, as soon as I finish doing the petitions which should not take me more than about 45 minutes to an hour.  I will begin doing news stories.  And I don't mean just political news stories.  I have newsfeeds from just about every aspect of our life here on earth.  I have scientific and health news feeds.  I have political and general news and world news and technology in computer news.  I have newsfeeds of just about every type.  And I am now hitting my stride a lot better as far as keeping up with everything.  So you can count that there are going to be a lot more interesting news stories coming in the future.  Starting today.

But before I do anything else or did anything else I wanted to make sure that I explained all of the foregoing, because I'm sure that it's difficult for people to understand what my life really is like since I don't really talk about it that much.  So everything is done and now I will begin.

I did not do my exercises, today, meaning my calisthenics.  I will do my weight training a little bit later today.  But I did not do my calisthenics because it was so incredibly strenuous going to and from the store.  But I will get back on track with my calisthenics starting tomorrow.

So as I always say.  Sometimes fast.  Sometimes slow.  But ever onward.

Thanks for reading.