Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

In The Shadows

Well I must have gotten back some energy. Focus is a very interesting thing. In photography focus takes on so many different meanings. That by slightly changing it, changes the entire nature of what the viewer ends up seeing. In life, about the same is true. Although in life, focus is not seen in a picture. It's seen in action. The actions of our lives that result from the thoughts we have. Every single invention in the history of humankind started with a single thought. That's where photography interacts with, and even compliments real life.

When I was running my own photography company a good number of years ago. For the most part, while I had 5 different types of cameras for the different assignments that I might be working on.  When I wanted to really get the shot I wanted. I took the simplest camera I could. Unless of course I was specifically trying to manipulate depth of field or shadows. But for the core of what I wanted in a shot. I took the simplest camera I could. Going back to the KISS  theory. Keep It Simple Stupid.


The photograph that is the header in this journal I actually took with such a camera. And the amount of work I had  to do in the darkroom was minimal. Minimal only because I kept things simple. I took a simple semi-automatic camera and went after the shot I wanted. Because, like in life. The real construction of any shot, or photograph is done in the mind of the photographer. Because it's the photographer who creates the shot. By framing it. and designing the elements of the shot.

So it is in life. While my life looks to be one thing from one point of view. It looks completely different from another point of view. So few seldom see the other side of me. Regardless of what I write or present. And I guess that's the way I like it. Being nondescript. Being in the shadows. That's one of the main reasons that I have a finished manuscript in my dresser draw in the other room. The room off the kitchen where the equipment is. I was once offered almost $900,000. for that manuscript. Again, many, many years ago. But I didn't want to publish. And I still don't.

I'm happier living in the shadows. Where most people will draw their conclusions about me. Which are, for the most part, wrong. Because only the people who really know me.... really know me. And the number of people I let get that close, have been, and remain a very small number. Because I like living in the shadows. In reality, since my wife died. I don't much care about living anymore. I get up. I work hard. I exercise and do all I can to be healthy and keep going. But the reality is, that if I woke up dead tomorrow, that would suit me just fine. Not only because I like living in the shadows. Not only because if I die, I go back to God and back into the arms of  my darling Aileen. But also, because there's not really a lot for me here in the world anymore.

My family is either, for the most part dead, or we just don't get on that well. Aileen's family doesn't need me in their lives. So other than the cats and this house, there's just not much for me here in the world anymore. Which is why I always practice one form of meditation that I rarely ever talk about, or describe much. The form where you can meditate yourself out of the world. Meditate yourself to die.

I never go far into this type of meditation. Because if you do. You just don't come back. But it's not that hard to do. So I practice, along with about 15 other types of meditation that I have learned over the years. There's even a form of meditation where you can duplicate any chemical in the world, inside your body and brain. I do that somewhat frequently, in order to manipulate my body chemistry when necessary. This form was actually discovered by a doctor, in me, many years ago. During my first marriage. When I had been diagnosed with Mononucleosis. And after feeling rather crummy for a few days. I went into this particular kind of meditation. And in 24  hours the Mononucleosis was completely gone from my body. I of course have the medical records in my possession to prove this. They're actually in the other room, in a large filing box, with other research I've done through the years.

So, where Mononucleosis was all through my blood  as the beginning of this particular week, many years ago, back in the early 1970s. I went into this particular kind of meditation for about 75 hours. That would be 75 hours non-stop. And by the end of the week, a second blood test was done. And it was gone. No sign of it what-so-ever. Naturally, the doctor, a good friend of mine thought he had gone nuts. So we went out for a drink over the weekend when this happened. And I showed him all the research I had done on this one kind of meditation. And we both agreed that it would be best if the world just didn't learn how to do this kind of meditation.

So,  he eventually died. And nothing more was said.

But, as I said, there are about 15 different kinds, of the perhaps 100 kinds of meditation, that I have kept and used throughout my life. There's even one to draw money and fame to one's self. But I've changed that method slightly, to elevate the energy process of that form. So instead of drawing money and fame. It draws good energy, and stability. Which is somewhat like another meditation I do. Where I basically help continue the process Aileen and I worked on to protect our home and this property.

And so, there is this other form of meditation. Where you can actually meditate yourself out of this life. Meaning, what people and science would see is that your physical body is dead. But, through this process. You're really not dead. You just sort of moved out of the space where you were, to another space. Or another form of energy.

But, as I said. I generally don't go too far into this form. Because, while part of me basically doesn't really care if I live or die anymore. There is another part that somewhat still has hope that humanity will eventually wise up and stop acting like a bunch of rather self-centered and egotistical, albeit ethnocentric immature forms of life. But, the reality is. Humankind is still pretty young. Comparatively speaking. So the chances of humanity suddenly wising up and "getting it right" , as I like to say. Really aren't that great at this point in human history. There's way too much love of blowing things up. Of hating each other based on how we think, or how we look, or act.

So, while there is hope inside of me that humanity will suddenly get it right. The other part of me knows that's just not in the cards right now. Not unless humanity is confronted with some global catastrophic event whereby humanity will become so terrified that they are going to wipe themselves out. That humanity will then, suddenly wise up, and grow up. But, as I said,  the chances of that kind of global catastrophic event taking place doesn't seem that likely. Unless like aliens suddenly land on earth. Or perhaps if the caldera under the western US suddenly blows up. Neither which are likely to happen, for a good while yet.

So while the herds of humans rush from one concept to another. From one tech toy to another.  I just sort of sit by the side of the road  watching the heard of humans move. Because, like I said. I never really liked travelling with the herd. I mean, while the herd moves along in a kind of pedantic manner. I just go my own way.  There's no one in the world that  either impresses me much anymore. At least not to any significant degree. I do see bright spots. But generally those are pretty much flashes in the pan. Because the fighting, the hatred, the violence. The disregard and the other junk that fills the news every day just keep happening.

So, I let it happen. Not that I have any kind of special powers to prevent such things. Because I don't. But I do have  the ability to not  let the world affect my space or where I am at any given time. Which I do all the time. Because I don't like following the herd. So, basically no one in the world has any real affect one me. If I did not have this house. I already have three different plans already in place where I can go, within 24 hours and live pretty much as long as I want. Or am able to . So, nothing really affects me anymore. Aileen affected me. But only because I chose to let her do so. Just as she allowed me to affect her. But that was one of the reasons our marriage was sort of special.

I can always get just about anything I want whenever I need something. Mainly because I didn't study the same things other people study in their lives. I didn't study how to make money. Or how to buy a house. I didn't study how to be popular. Because I never wanted or needed any of  those things. For example.

I purchased this really amazing "virgin briar" pipe. Which I got from Amazon last week. And low and behold the bit. Meaning the part that you put in your mouth to smoke the pipe broke. Well, one of the things I studied when I was younger was how to make briar pipes. How to repair them. Where to buy the briar and so forth. So when the stem on the pipe broke. I took out my pipe cutting tools which I have in the other room. And by pipe cutting tools, I'm basically  talking about wood carving tools. And I reshaped the part of the pipe where the stem goes in. And then I took one of the dozens of stems I still have. And, presto, I have the pipe repaired. Because, back in the day, I used to have briar shipped over to me from Ireland on a regular basis. So I could make my own pipes. Which I did because, like I said. I didn't study the same things that most people studied when they go through life. I studies the things that I need to know in order to get from point A to point B. Whatever that might be.

So while the herd moves on from one thing to another, always believing that the herd is onto something new. Well, really it ain't that new. It's pretty much quite repetitious of what the herd has done since about the time the first humans came down from the trees. Some things have changed of course. Like the manner in which humans get things done. But the basic food, shelter, clothing thing is pretty much the same. It's just the way that we get those things that's changed.

So while the world rushes after and complains about money. Pretty much trashing the world markets. And basically making a toxic dump of their social systems and their political systems. I just sit by the side of the road and watch.  It's a lot more peaceful here than on the road with billions of others walking down that road. Each fighting for it's own self-importance. Sitting by the side of the road is actually quite peaceful. Which is why I have always enjoyed the solitude of my own thoughts that being around he herd, or large groups of people. Which is why, living alone here. Hardly ever going out. Is not a bad way of living. Everyone in the neighborhood knows that if they ever need anything. All they have to do is knock on my door. And I don't have what they need here in the house. I pretty much known how to help them get it. Because I didn't study the same things that most people study when they go through life. I studied other things. Things, like I said. That would help me go from point A to point B. Whatever, or wherever those points might be.

So people generally look at me and see a myriad of things. Most of which is not true. But then, perhaps they see what they see, because I have found it easier to let others think what they want. Rather than to go to the trouble of trying to elucidate them to the reality of my life.

And of course, because after all I "am" human. So don't go thinking I'm some freak of nature or an alien. Because I'm not. I'm just a bit different. That's all. Nothing special Just someone who sits by the road. Instead of joining the herd on that road. Someone who prefers the quiet of their own thoughts, instead of the rather noisy sound that the herd makes as it moves down that road. With the guns, the bombs. The flamboyant maneuvers that the herd goes though, always trying to validate it's self importance, in a world, or universe than neither cares, or is dependent on, how flamboyant the herd might be in the herd struggle to thump their chest and proclaim that they're here.

Now I'm not totally a recluse. Nor do I hate humans. So there have been times when I have stepped off the side of the road and walked along with the herd. When I felt it was fitting and proper, and necessary to do so. Such as when my wife, Aileen was dying. And for a good while, of and on, after she died. But joining the herd under those circumstances was never really me joining in with the herd. As much as it was my travelling with the herd. Once again. To get from point A to point B. And the details, and/or examples of that bear no mention here. Suffice to say that, I have, at times, felt it was necessary and proper,  for me to walk along with the herd at certain times in my life. But always somewhat at a distance. So as to not be affected, or affected only within certain limits as it was necessary to do so. In order to get from point A to point B.

Thus, those few, who really do know me. Pretty much understand what I am saying. And why. Pursuant to the foregoing. And as a result. They never really have to check on me. Or verify their state of mind, regarding me. Because they know that I always get from point A to point B. One way or the other. Once I set out from point A. I always get to point B. So, sometimes when I say things like, "I'm in the salt mines with my tiny little hammer.". You never know. I just might be in the salt mines with a small tiny little hammer. Or somewhere else. It's all part of that process of getting from point A to point B.

Therefore the Bitter Harvest Project, of which this journal on WordPress is a part. Pretty much is just an element in getting from point A to point B. Aileen and I talked about this. And through whatever process is comfortable for the reader, we still do. Talk about it.

I mean Aileen and I began experiments, prior to her death, that are still ongoing. And those experiments, and potentially one or two in particular, are part of one of the processes going on right now in my life, regarding getting from a particular point A to it's corresponding point B. But then, there wasn't just one experiment that we did together or that are ongoing. There were several. So there are several points A; And several points B. All in process. All moving along pretty much  the way that we planned and designed.

So, maybe what you, the reader see in me, or about me, or of me, may not truly be what you are seeing. But perhaps what is comfortable for you to see. Or what you may want to see. Or what you may or may not be capable of seeing. But then, like I said. I never let anyone or anything affect me in any way, whereby the line of delineation from point A to point B, regarding any of the processes so named, are affected in any way, other than what is deemed necessary and proper, in order to maintain that line of delineation, of any of the points A or points B.

Which is why this journal on WordPress, and the one on Blogger, are, pretty much just exactly what Aileen and I wanted them to be. And going where we wanted. And doing what we wanted. Because of the various processes regarding all the points A and points B that are in fact taking place. And that have taken place. With some just beginning. And others in various stages.

And with that. I'll have something to eat. Some liquid. And then meditate... whereupon, during the night, through whatever process is comfortable for the reader. My late wife and I will communicate. With one of the byproducts being, perhaps a journal entry sometime during the night.

Well as they say. If you fall in a bottomless hole. It's not the fall that is the hard part. It's the sudden stop.