Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

A little more clarification

It's important that I make this clear.  Just because Evelyn, has gotten back in touch with me does not alter the fact that neither she nor Claude really has any clue as to the perfect balance of difference and similarity that I wrote about in my previous Journal entry.  Because they don't.  Nor does her getting back in touch with me alter the fact that she has actually been jealous of Aileen while Aileen was alive because Aileen actually had people who fell in love with her and Evelyn really never has had anyone fall in love with her.  Nor does it alter the fact that one thing that always made Aileen quite angry was that years ago, many years ago, long before Aileen and I were ever together when Evelyn broke something that was very dear to Aileen.  Aileen basically did not make Evelyn, replace that object.  But a few years later when Aileen broke something that Evelyn had Evelyn required and literally made Aileen, replace it completely.

That was just one of the areas of friction between the two sisters.  And there was tremendous friction between Aileen's brother Claude and Aileen as well.  Because there was one Christmas before Aileen died were Claude made some remarks about Aileen and I and the remarks had to do.  I guess with our financial situation and the remarks were so cruel that Aileen refused to talk to Claude or have anything to do with Claude ever again.  And had it not been for Evelyn Claude and Aileen never would've talked ever again.  Because Evelyn actually negotiated getting the two back together because Aileen was infuriated and insulted by how Claude had spoken to her.

So just because Evelyn is getting back in touch doesn't change the way she has behaved in the past.  Nor does it change the way Claude has acted.  And my position with Evelyn is that while she is Aileen's sister and is having a really huge and very rough time dealing with Aileen's death Evelyn never takes into consideration at all.  Hardly that I am Aileen's husband and that were Evelyn is having a hard time dealing with Aileen having died I am in this house so that every single second no matter where I look I am confronted with not only the memory of Aileen, but Aileen herself.  So when Evelyn complains about how she's having a hard time dealing with losing Aileen making it out like it's really so very difficult.  She is by doing that, basically saying she doesn't give a damn about the fact that I'm in this house and have actually had a far more difficult time that she has ever had dealing with Aileen dying.  But Evelyn is never mentioned that whatsoever.  All she's talking about is how hard she's had it, and she's not even in this house.  She has a hard time coming over to this house because Aileen was dying here.

So of course I wonder if she's having a hard time coming over to this house.  I wonder how she would deal with Aileen being dead if she had to be in this house 24 hours a day.  Like I am?  But of course that never comes to Evelyn's mind at all.  Not one bit.

And it is not come to Claude's mind, either.  So consequently, just because Evelyn wants to get back in touch.  Yes, that is a good thing.  But at the same time.  The reality is that are wanting to get back in touch does not change in any way her arrogant attitude or her condescending attitude with her saying that she's going to set the agenda.  And unfortunately, Evelyn really doesn't understand that's not going to happen.  She's not going to set my agenda she's not going to set the agenda of this home.  She's not going to set the agenda of how Aileen and I communicate and she has not shown any understanding whatsoever to the perfect balance between difference and similarity that was the absolute catalytic agent and how deeply Aileen and I loved each other.  Nor has Evelyn read any of my Journal.  Even though she's had access to the Internet.  And neither has Claude.  And yet it was their sister Aileen who actually was reading my journal and it was my Journal that drew Aileen to me.  She actually fell in love with me long before I was even aware of it as a result of reading my Journal.

But neither her brother, or her sister has ever been curious as to what it was that made their sister fall in love with me.  And as I said, there have been a number of people over the years that have wondered why.  Why would Aileen's brother and sister not even care enough to be curious why their sister fell in love with me?

So just because Evelyn wants to get back in touch that's fine.  No problem.  She can come over and see me.  But I'm not can a put up with all this bullshit where she says in one conversation.  I'm thinking about coming over in the next few days and then suddenly I don't hear from her for six months.  That's not going to impress me.  Just like it doesn't impress me that Evelyn is basically an emotional wreck over losing Aileen and she isn't even in this house.  Because of Evelyn is having such a terrible time losing Aileen all I can conjecture is that she's having such a horrible time while not even being in this house like I am.  And she goes on about how hard it is for her to deal with Aileen's loss, never once thinking or mentioning in any way how difficult it has been for me being in this house where it actually happened.  And seeing Aileen everywhere.  Neither her nor Claude had ever mentioned that under any circumstances, because they basically don't care.  Because they are concerning themselves only with their own feelings and nobody else's.  Which, again, like I've said before, makes them extremely egocentric, self-centered.  That hasn't changed.  Not one single bit.

So have Evelyn is thinking that she's going to come over and that I'm going to suddenly spill my guts and tell her everything that is going on in my life.  She is sadly mistaken.  Because when she comes over she asks anything about my life.  The first thing I'm going to say is.  Read my Journal.  And if she says that she doesn't have the time to read the journal I am going to remind her that she has lots of time to go to YouTube and listen to all sorts of videos which she asked me to help her do just a few months ago.  So she has enough time to go to YouTube to listen to all sorts of videos but she doesn't have the time to read my Journal because basically she doesn't give a damn about anyone else's feelings, except her own.  Again, very self-centered.  Because if you are really curious about how my life is going.  She would do what my daughter and everyone else who is a friend to me.  Does which is to read my Journal.  Because they know that the one place I share what is going on in my life is in my Journal.

So none of the foregoing has changed, even in the slightest degree.  Which is why I don't have any expectations regarding Claude or Evelyn in any way.  At least expectations of anything positive coming from either of them.  Because they are as I have said quite condescending very self-centered very focused on themselves, without really being interested or concerned with other people.  And neither one of them has any idea or even a clue of this balance of difference and similarity which was one of the or if not the major central aspect of how Aileen and I became so deeply in love.  Nor have they cared to find out nor have they cared to ask nor have they cared to investigate.  Nothing.

All Evelyn has done and has continued to do is to complain about how difficult she's having dealing with Aileen's death.  But she's having a difficult time living in a completely different place from where Aileen died and was dying.  She's having a really difficult time while not ever coming over to the house and yet every time she comes over to the house.  She has a real difficult time dealing with Aileen's death.  But never thinking, even for a second what it must be like for me in the very house where Aileen was dying and being there all the time and still having to try to deal with Aileen dying.  That ought never comes to Evelyn's mind in any way and it doesn't come to Claude's mind, either.

Which, as I said, again makes them both extremely self-centered, self oriented and quite arrogant and condescending and extremely insensitive to anyone else's feelings other than their own.  So while Evelyn and I are probably going to get back in touch.  She's probably not going to learned Ray much about my life at all under any circumstances and Lacey is willing to read my Journal and she probably won't do that because her and Claude boat really do believe they are far superior to me.  That was have.  Even though I have never believed in superiority or inferiority between people, but they have believed they were and are much better and much more superior to me when they haven't done anything like what I have done in my own life.  So they are feeling like they are superior to me without any real substantiation for those feelings which again logically speaking, suggests quite strongly that they are very self-centered and quite arrogant.

And that arrogance as I said before, is one of the things that Claude demonstrated one Christmas, which insulted his sister.  My wife Aileen so badly that she wanted nothing to do with them for the rest of her life and had not Evelyn gotten involved Claude and Aileen would never have spoken ever again.

And neither one of them think that they ever have to say they are sorry for their arrogance or their condescending behavior may never say they really have to say they're sorry they never feel like they have to they expect everyone to just understand and to put up with it.  And that's where everyone may have a very rather rude awakening when she does come over to see me because I'm done with putting up with that kind of behavior in my life, regardless of whether it is coming from her or my own family the Maschke family.  I don't have time for that kind of immature and backward and very selfish behavior.  I just don't have time for that kind of behavior in my life.  So of Evelyn wants to have someone that she can, Lord over and have someone associated with her life where she can try to put down and make small of just to make yourself feel more important.  She's probably looking in the wrong direction.  If she looks at me because I'll send her packing.  Just like I did with Claude when he tried to pull the same kind of crap.

So Evelyn has an opportunity here to come and see me.  And she pulls any kind of that arrogant, condescending crap then she won't see me ever again.  Because I'm not good to put up with it.  She never wants to sell anyone anything that's going on with her because she never wants to trust anyone.  So I'm sure that she's coming over because she wants to pump me for information or she wants to try and explain how difficult it is losing Aileen, but she'll never explain why.  And she'll never get over it shall never move on with her life.  She'll never try to accept the reality of her life just like she has never said she was sorry for some of the rude things she did to Aileen or to me or for her rudeness about not returning calls, a lot of the time.  And when you call Evelyn, you never get through.  She never answers her phone.  Because she's too good for that she's much better than other people.  So trying to get through to her is much harder than trying to get through to the president of the United States.

Yet people who are in my address book on my android phone.  Not one of them ever has any problem getting through to me ever.  They never have to leave a voice message they get me every time they call.  I just got a call this afternoon from one of my neighborhood friends who is like me and they are running out of things because at the end of the month and they needed my assistance and I and Fort Sully was not able to help them because I am also out of things because it's the end of the month.  But she had no problem getting through to me.  That's not the case with Evelyn.  When you call Evelyn.  She never answers her phone you get your voicemail all the time.  Because she doesn't answer her phone.  Because she's too good for that.  She's much better than the common people in the world.  She's far above all other human beings.  So she will never answer the phone, you can go ahead and call her voicemail and then she'll decide whether or not you're good enough, or worthy enough to be allowed to speak to her.

That also was a point that used to infuriate Evelyn's sister, my wife Aileen.  So like I said, Evelyn wants to get back in touch that's fine.  But if she thinks she's going to steamroll me with her arrogance and condescension.  She's got another thing coming.  Because if she pulls any of that crap.  I have no problem whatsoever telling her very politely to get out of my home and don't ever call me again.  So it's up to her how she wants to handle getting back in touch with me.  If she's going to wrap herself up in herself and whine and moan about how difficult it is losing Aileen when she is not even in the house where Aileen was dying and when she basically condescended to Aileen a lot during the 18 years Aileen and I were married.  As I said, some people are very honest with themselves and how they relate to other people and other people play lots of games, making themselves out to be much better than other people because their egos are so depleted, or beat up that they have to make themselves out like they are better than everyone, just to be able to feel good.

Just like the really what I consider stupid bastards of the tea party and the Republican Party and the right wing Christian extremists who are nothing more than depraved asinine selfish, self-serving primitive ugly backward and very stupid people.  Because they ask a think they are better than everyone else.  And they lie and they cheat, and they steal, they steal anything they can from everyone they lie about everything, and they hate anything they can't control our Lord over.

So the behavior that Claude and Evelyn have is not that much different than some of the really ugly social groups and political groups in this country.  People feeling that they're just better than everyone else and everyone owes them something.  And they're going to make sure they get what they want from this world and from everyone else.  Because everyone owes them something.  Because they are so special and they are so much better than everyone else that holier than thou approach.

Except that kind of bullshit never works around me.  It never has and it never will because when that kind of bullshit attitude comes up against me.  It's like a train hitting a brick wall.  And the only thing that attitude gets people is me telling them to get the hell away from me.  Don't ever come near me again don't contact me because you can take your bullshit arrogance and condescending attitude and go somewhere else.

Just being polite, of course.

In other words, I don't mince words.  If someone wants to act like a jackass or a self-centered asinine stupid bastard.  That's up to them.  But if they think they are going to be able to do that around me here in my life.  They are sadly mistaken.  Because I don't put up with that kind of crap.  And neither did my darling wife Aileen.  Neither one of us ever put up with that kind of bullshit.  And that's actually one of the things Aileen respected about me.  That I wouldn't tolerate that kind of self-serving, arrogant, condescending crap from anyone.  And as I said I never have and I never will.

So we'll see exactly where Evelyn wants to be in all of this.  My guess is she hasn't changed one single bit and that she is simply coming over to see me because she needs someone shoulder to cry on and she's probably not going to show any concern whatsoever for my life because she's really wrapped up in her own.  And that's fine.  But you can take that attitude and go somewhere else with that attitude.  Because I don't want that attitude in my home or around me.  So she's going to come over, expecting me to bow down to her like she is some pre-Madonna then she's pretty much kidding herself.  I don't bow down to anyone.  Not unless I would be in a foreign country bowing down to a king or a queen.  And Evelyn is not a king or a queen.

Just like I don't trust the tea party ass holes in this country.  Just like I don't trust the Republican stupid bastards.  Why the right wing Christian extremists from being dirty, selfish pieces of crap who live and thrive off of hurting other people.  I don't trust any of those bastards.  I never have and I never will.  Which is why I said earlier, and I continue to maintain.  That if my disability check is not in my account tomorrow it will be as a result of the tea party ass holes and the Republican Party bastards and the right wing Christian extremists who are nothing but filthy dirty pieces of crap tampering with my bank account and tampering with my disability check to hurt me because that's exactly what those three groups thrive on.  They thrive on hurting other people because they are arrogant and selfish and mean-spirited and hateful.  They actually measure their own self worth by how many lives they ruin.  And how many people they hurt because that is exactly what gives them any kind of personal strength or satisfaction they don't get any satisfaction from feeling love for other people, they get satisfaction by crushing other people and destroying other people and stealing from other people and murdering other people and taking their homes and basically destroying their lives.  That's what gives them personal satisfaction and spiritual satisfaction.

So like I said have my disability check is not in my checking account tomorrow for me to be able to use that money.  It will be because the tea party or the Republican Party, or these right wing Christian extremist ass holes have done something to my checking account and have tampered with my disability check to hurt me because they hate everyone and they especially hate Jews, even though they call themselves Christians.  They hate Jews.  They hate every Jew in this country.  They hate Jews all over the world because they don't care about the fact that Jesus was crucified for being a Jew because in their minds.  Jesus was special and every other Jew in the world is nothing but pure crap.  Because that's how they treat Jews in the United States.  That's how they treat Jews everywhere they hate us.  They treat us like garbage.  They treat us like crap and they always have with their condescending hatred and their condescending, lying and cheating and stealing.

So we will see if my disability check is in that account tomorrow.  And like I say, I never count on anything until I actually see it happening.  And I will never trust any Republican or any tea party ass hole or anyone who is a right wing Christian extremist.  I will never trust them to be honest in any way, or compassionate in any way ever because they never have been not to me.  Every single time I was ever cheated every single time I was ever fired from any company every time I was ever stolen from at any company every time anyone ever stole my work at any company every single time I was ever beaten physically or robbed or kicked around in this world.  It was always done by that kind of person they were either absolute members of the right wing Christian conservative extremist movement or they were Republicans or they possessed that same kind of arrogant, condescending, selfish, ruthless, deceitful personality.

So while these filthy dirty bastard liars of the tea party and the Republican Party and the right wing Christian extremists want to claim that there such compassionate people.  The reality is that nothing but a bunch of filthy dirty ass hole liars.  Because if my check isn't there, and I don't have access to that money, it'll be because someone in one of those three groups decided it was a good idea to screw me into the ground because that's what they get off on that's exactly how they thrive.  It's what makes them feel good because they thrive on hatred.  They thrive on screwing other people they thrive on stealing from everyone and cheating everyone a can.  So we'll see.  We'll see if my check is there and if I can go on with my life.  Like I say that day.  I trust anyone who is a right wing Christian extremist or Republican or a member of the tea party will be never.  I will never trust them ever.  The only time I will ever believe anything they might say will be at least 10,000 years after I'm dead.  Because I will never believe them.  I will never trust them.  I will never bow down to them.  I will never consider them anything but that dirty, filthy traitorous liars to this country and to every American in this country that they have always been, and demonstrated themselves to be.

And if people want to go ahead and think I'm hard no problem.  I didn't get to be 62 years old.  By believing or putting up with bullshit in my life.  Bullshit walks money talks.  Actions speak louder than words.  I don't believe what someone says I want to see what they do.  I want to see their actions.  I want to see them put their money where their mouth is.  At they can't do that my attitude is go away.  Go somewhere else with year bullshit, you can go ahead and be as much of a bullshit artist as you want.  Just don't do it around me.

Thanks for reading.