Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Setting My Mind

I realize that there are going to be people who are going to say that I'm basically lying when I say that I'm going to walk 3 miles to the store and then 3 miles home so that I can make sure that I get this infection in my ear resolved.

For that purpose my android phone is equipped with a GPS location device.  So, what I plan on doing is posting to my journal when I start out from my home.  And then I will post perhaps as I'm half way to the store.  And then of course I will post once I get to the store.  And every time I post, the GPS device on my phone will of course target my actual location.  And that of course will be different from where I started out.

Which will mean of course that once I complete the round trip to and from the store that I will have walked approximately 6 miles to do this.

I'm not trying to prove anything.  The fact of the matter is for a solid year in Denver Colorado during the 1980s, the early 1980s, I did walk 8 miles to an 8 miles from work.  And, additionally, I have walked throughout this country, wherever I was living.  Just like I did in fact walk the entire length of the Appalachian Trail when I was younger.

See the real problem is that in my neighborhood there are certain sets of neighbors who have so much hatred for me that they will lie about me and they will accuse me of being horrible and ugly and mean and they really hate me so bad that if they ever got the chance they would have no problem running me down with their car because they hate me that much.

So when I'm doing something like this they can't stand the fact that I actually am doing what I say I do.  Because they hate me.  And they love their hatred.

As I've said many times.  I have been confronted with hatred all my life.  I first saw the ugliness of racism and hatred when I was six years old.  And when I was 12 years old.  I was subjected to racism and hatred where I actually was attacked in Cleveland Heights and as a result I had to have the entire left side of my face rebuilt.  That would be Cleveland Heights Ohio.

And it was discovered in 1965, just three years after I was attacked in 1962.  That my left knee actually became damaged in that attack.  And my parents basically refused to fix my left knee.  So all my life I've had broken cartilage and damaged bone in my left knee.  Because my parents just didn't think it was worth fixing.

So I have been used to the hatred of other people all my life.  And that's fine.  Because people that have hated me have always tried to make me hate them and they have never of course been able to do so.  Which then of course makes them hate me even more.  Because that's the way hatred is.

And because I do understand this, when I started out this morning at approximately 6 AM.  I will of course be giving locations of my progress.  And that way no matter how many lies that those who hate me might tell or might try to spread they won't be successful.  Because my actual journal entries, while I am making my way to and from the store will show very clearly that I actually am walking the 3 miles to the store and then back home.  And that I am doing that with the physical issues going on with my left leg.

And again, I am not doing this to prove anything.  That is not why I am doing this.  I am doing this because I want to get the problem with my left ear resolved.  And there is just no other way to get to the store.  I don't qualify for any kind of social services assistance because social services in Ohio is measured not on how little money you have blood on how low your rent or mortgage is.  And because my mortgage is only $192.97 I don't qualify for any significant kind of social services assistance.  As I said, the only amount of money I get for food stamps is just $16 a month.

And I don't begrudge that in any way.  I never have.  I am always grateful for whatever assistance comes my way, however small or significant.  And what I say, it's not really a big deal.  I may not be able to go very fast, but I will get to where I need to go.  And it's really not a bad morning.  It's about 20° outside.  And the reality is when you start walking, if you are dressed properly.  You really don't notice the temperature because the fact that your walking actually provides enough energy where you really end up becoming warmer and again, like I say, you just don't really notice the cold that much.

So the first post that I will do will be as I leave my home.  And then I will do subsequent posts, as I am making my way to the store.  And as I am returning.  That way no one will be able to lie and say that I'm not doing what I'm saying I'm doing.

Like I said above, I have been attacked and lied about and basically treated rather badly so many different times in my life that not only am I used to that.  But at this time after my darling Aileen died.  I'm just basically set up with being treated that way.  So I'm not going to let anyone lie about my life or what I do or what I'm doing ever again.

The infection in my ear needs to be resolved.  And there is no other way for me to get to the store.  There are probably other stores I could go to that are closer.  But this particular store in Lakewood is the one I have gone to for a number of years.  And it's the one I feel most comfortable going to.  And perhaps that's just my being stubborn and stupid.  And if so then that is my problem.  No one else's.

So my plan is with it being 4:37 AM.  I'm going to get myself something to eat.  And then of course I will get dressed and I'm planning on leaving the house at about 6 AM.  Because I'm thinking that with the way that I walk now as compared to how I did 30 years ago that it will probably take me close to three hours to get to the store.  Which is as I said, no big deal.

And I most certainly do not want any kind of attention regarding this and I am not doing this is seeking attention.  Not at all.  This is my Journal.  I don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't have anyone who comes over for a visit.  I don't really have any friends at least locally.  I have many friends throughout the world, but I don't really have any friends here in Cleveland.  So my Journal is one place where I'd write down all of my thoughts and I write about my life.  And if someone has a problem with my doing that I certainly wish they would come forward and tell me so.

To those who are actually reading my Journal because they do like me.  You will be able to map my progress as I am making posts.  Because I said, the GPS device in my phone will of course target my location.  And basically this morning, I am fine.  My right ear does have a kind of pressure.  It's not really uncomfortable.  And I'm not really concerned.  But I know it doesn't have to be resolved.

And I don't want to go to metrohealth medical Center, which of course is closer.  I can't go there.  It's too emotionally painful.  And for those who don't understand what I'm saying all I can say to that, is that I was all over Metro for those eight months when my darling Aileen was dying.  It's just too emotionally painful.  And maybe that is a weakness on my part.  But if it is then that is my problem.  But I just can't.  I will never stop crying for my darling Aileen.  As long as I live I will never stop crying for how much I love her and how badly she suffered.  I can't.

She was that single moment in my life.  That one single second.  When I knew that everything in my entire life led me to her.

So that's basically just the way it is.

I will post as I'm starting out.

Thank you so very much for listening.