Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Point of Order

I'd like to clear the air about a few things.

1. With the exception of my left knee, and a few injuries I sustained through the years, most of what I am dealing with is as a result of my own choices. Let's get that straight right now. I'm the one who made the choice in 1968, to have the doctors do the spinal fusion operation on me. So all that is happening to me right now as a result of that operation is as a result of my own choice. Not what anyone else did to me.

2. I have never once nor will I ever, compare what I am going through to what millions and millions of amazing men women and children are dealing with every single day, including neighbors in my own neighborhood. Nothing I'm dealing with matters. Because what I'm dealing with, for the most part, is as a result of my own choices. And I take full responsibility for those choices.

3. Don't blame me, because the world is full of racism and prejudice. I'm not the one who has made most of humanity choose to behave in a racist and ugly way. It's not my fault that racism is being demonstrated in every single country in the world. It's not my fault that 6 million women in the United States are beaten raped and murdered every year. And that 78% of the United States is pro-life Christian. Which means that 78% of the women being murdered are being murdered by pro-life Christians. It's not my fault that women are being mistreated and murdered. I'm not the one who is made those choices. Humanity has made the choice to abuse into missed treat women. So they'll blame me, because humanity doesn't light the fact that I shall humanity the ugly side of itself.

4. It's not my fault that children are being abused all over the United States and the world. It's not my fault that children in the United States are being treated with child abuse and bullying. It's not my fault for being born a half breed Jew. It's not my fault that my mother died giving birth to me. So anyone doesn't like the fact about my history. Let them speak up.

5. I have been keeping this Journal since the very month my darling Aileen died. In that time, I have only received five comments. And none of them have been about the essence of what I write in this journal. So let's be really honest here. If anyone doesn't want me to write online in this journal all they have to do is sound off. Go ahead. If anyone doesn't want me writing in this journal all they have to do is speak up.

I don't have to write online in order to make my peace with God. I don't have to write online anymore in order to fulfill my promise to my darling Aileen. I have fulfilled my promise to her. So anyone doesn't want me to write online in my Journal all they have to do is say the word.

And if someone does speak up like that. No problem. These journals will stay off, but I will never write online again. So anyone doesn't want me writing online, all they have to do is say the word. Sound off. Go ahead. Tell me not to write any more online. And that will in fact be the moment I will not write online anymore.

6. If I stopped writing online, that does not mean I'm going to stop writing. It just means I won't write online. And I don't have a problem with that at all. My ego does not depend on me writing online. And if anyone doesn't like what I say in my Journal again all they have to do is say the word. Sound off. So I had. Say the word. Tell me not to write any more in the moment I see those words. In any comment I can guarantee you I will not write another word on the line no matter what.

7. Regardless of whether I write online or not I will continue the human rights efforts that my darling Aileen and I did together.

8. And if anyone has a problem with me writing in my Journal online. They need to ask themselves if they don't feel that they should have the same right. If they don't feel that they should have the same right to keep a journal online. Because that is all this online effort is. It is a Journal. It is not a blog. It is a Journal. It is that place where I argue with myself. Is that place where I bare my soul before God. And if anyone has a problem with me believing in God. Again, all they have to do is say the word. I dare anyone who claims to believe in God to tell me I don't have the right to believe in God. I dare anyone to challenge my belief in God. I dare them. Because my entire life has been centered around God. Anyone who has known me from 1966 knows that is true.

9. If anyone doesn't like me being a Jew or talking about me being called a mud person. Let them speak up. I will be more than happy to produce the documents and the historical dates and times when I have been treated with various types of racism and prejudice all my life and bullying. I have no problem talking about all of the bullies I have known in my life. Like the people who are some of my neighbors who are extremely very much bullies. They take pride in bullying other people. And the people who do the bullying often times don't even remember what they have done. It's always the victims who will remember. The victims never forget. I remember every single time I was bullied and. And anyone doesn't like me talking about that in my Journal. Again, let them say the word.

10. I don't blame anyone for the choices I am having to make regarding my physical health at this time. Not anyone. Where I am at right now physically is as a result of my own choices in my own life. I'm the one who chose to do everything I could to look as normal as I could all of my life. And that I did so often times at the expense of my own physical health. I'm the one who made those choices. No one else is responsible for making those choices. Because I am made those myself. Which means I take full responsibility for everything that is happening to me right now in my life. Nobody's responsible for what is going on in my life. Nobody.

The only part of my body that anyone has any responsibility for is the damage to my left leg. The other things that have happened to me in my life. There have been individuals who have bullied me and caused a certain amount of damage. But I don't even pay very much attention to that damage. Because compared with everything else I'm dealing with that damage means nothing.

11. I dare anyone in this world to come forward and tell me that what I say has happened to me in my life did not happen. I dare them to prove it. Because I have documents proving that he did in fact happen. I have all the documents. I don't put them in my Journal because I don't feel is appropriate. Because I don't believe that anything that I have gone through matters at all. Especially when compared with what other people are dealing with every day. Including neighbors in my own neighborhood. I know full well that what I have to deal with in my life means nothing. Nothing I go through means anything to anyone. I understand that real clearly.

The ugly neighbors in my neighborhood think that they are special with all of their hatred for me. They don't even realize how typical they are. Because the way they treat me is the way that most people in my life have treated me at one time or another. It has been the minority of people who have treated me with kindness. Not the majority. And I know that. I know that I look like a freak to most people. I know that there has always been a reason for people to hate me. Either because I am a Jew. Or, because I am a halfbreed Jew. Or, because I'm mentally ill. Or, because I'm disabled. Or, because my mother was basically out of wedlock. When she gave birth to me. And of course because of my Transgenderism. I understand all of that. I get the message. It's no surprise to me.

So anyone doesn't like me keeping my Journal online. I dare them to go ahead and just say the word. Challenge me. Please do. Say the word. Tell me not to write any more. Do it. And see what happens. Because the moment I see those words in any e-mail are in any comment my Journal. That will be the last time, I will ever write online. Because I don't need to write online in order to make my peace with God. I can do so from my computer very easily. Not a problem.

And as I said, if I do stopped writing online. The journals that are up right now on blogger will stay there. They will stay there till the day I die. But the moment that someone tells me not to write any more that will be the last time I will ever write online. So of any of you don't like me writing online. Go ahead and say so. Have the guts to come forward and tell me not to write any more. Don't lurk in the shadows and just read my writing without ever having the guts to respond. If you don't like me writing have the guts to stand up say so. Say the word. Like I said, state those words and see what happens.

I dare anyone to prove to me that I don't love humanity. I dare them to prove it. I dare them to show any kind of example they want proving I don't love humanity. I dare them to try and prove that. Just like I dare anyone to try and make me hate anyone in this world. Because they will not be able to do so. No matter what anyone does to me they will never make me hate humanity. Because the only thing I hate the choices that humans have made. I don't hate what God has made. I hate what we humans have done to each other and to this world. Not to mention what we are doing to ourselves.

And like I said. Regardless of whether I continue this Journal online are not. I will continue the human rights effort that my darling and I did together shoulder to shoulder for 18 years. Meaning that I will continue to sign petitions. But if someone really doesn't want to see my Journal online, all I have to do is say so. Speak up. Don't hide behind anonymous e-mails don't hide in the shadows. If you don't like me writing online have the guts and the maturity. The adult. And say the words. Go ahead. Tell me not to write online and see what happens.

I can just as easily argue out of my mind and all of the difficult things I'm going through in my life privately. I do so online, because I'm thinking that by doing that I may help others who are going through similar things. That's the only motivation I have for writing online. That's. And the only basis for doing this Journal has always been just a threefold purpose. 1. To do this Journal that my darling Aileen wanted to do with me, but never got the chance to do. 2. To continue the human rights effort that my darling Aileen and I did for 18 years together. 3. The bare my soul before God in whatever years I have left in this world.

Those are the only reasons I keep this Journal. Meaning those are the only basic purposes of this Journal. The motivation why I keep doing the Journal is because I actually feel that by writing what is going on in my life. Like I said, I very well may be able to help others who are going through similar situations. Who are going through similar difficulties but are not able to talk about those difficulties. I have never once under any circumstances compared anything I am going through as being more significant than anything that anyone else is dealing with. Because I have always understood all my life. At the conditions physically of my body right now are for the most part as a result of my own choices. And I have never had a problem taking responsibility for my own choices. When I am wrong, I say so. What I make a mistake, I admit it. I have never had a problem taking responsibility for anything I have ever done. Not once. And if anyone thinks I have. Let them go ahead and speak up. Let them say that I have actually never taken responsibility for anything. Let them point out even one single time. For anyone I have ever worked for. Let them show even one instance where I was dishonest with any employer I ever worked for or anyone I ever worked with. Let someone prove what they may in fact be feeling. Because I have proof also. And I have never under any circumstances been other than totally and completely honest with anyone I have ever worked for or worked with. Never.

Just so we're clear.

Make no mistake. I love every single human being in this world regardless of whatever they may have done to me either intentionally or by accident. I loved every single human being in this world. I always have. And there is no one who is big enough or strong enough to stop me from loving everyone and everything in this world. No one has that kind of strength. Because no one put that love inside of me. And no one can take that love from me. Because it was God who gave me that love. Not any human being. And anyone thinks they are bigger than God let them step forward.

I dare anyone to try and prove that I did not correspond with Gore Vidal for six months. I dare them to try and prove that. Because I have the e-mails. I have not shared those e-mails. Because I promised I would not. I dare anyone to try and claim I did not correspond with and worked with Dr. JB Rhine during the 1970s while he was working on the Tesseract. Because I have the letters in my possession. Just like I have the letters of my correspondence with Dr. BF Skinner. So if anyone wants to claim I didn't know either of those people let them go ahead and step forward. Let them try and prove it. Because I have the letters from when I wrote and corresponded with those two illustrious scientists. And I have the original documents that I generated as a result of those communications. So anyone wants to claim that what I'm saying is not true. Let them go ahead and prove it. Let them put their money where their mouth is. Because they can bring their lives and now bring my documents to whatever venue they want and when I'm done talking ill be clear who the liar is. And it won't be me.

Just like I have actual pictures of some of the things that happened to me in my life that I have never shown anyone. Not a problem. I don't require anyone to believe anything I say. Because when I write in my journal about my personal life is done for only one reason. To help others who are dealing with similar things in their own life.

When I talk about my grandfather and the Republican Party Republican Party needs to understand I have lots of documents that I have kept all through the years. Like when I actually was appointed by Gov. Rhodes as a public official for the state of Ohio in Cuyahoga County. I kept all of the documents pursuant to my public service. I've kept every single document regarding my interaction with the Republican Party, all through my life. Every single one. And copies of all those documents, like I said have been sent to a third party. A friend in another state. So that no matter what happens to me all those documents will eventually make their way to the public. No problem. If anyone doesn't want to believe anything I say, I dare them to step forward and say that I'm lying. I dare them to. Because like I said, they can bring whatever they want to call they are truth to any venue they want and now bring my documents. And when I'm done talking, like I said, it'll be clear who the liars are. And the liar won't be me.

And if anyone thinks I'm angry right now than they don't know me. I am vehement. I am impassioned. I am not angry. I have to give a damn to be angry. And I don't give a damn about people who attacked me. Because it's the one thing I've been used to all my life. My own parents began attacking me when I was just 12 years old. I know how to be attacked better than most people. Because I got it from my own family.

So it's not up to me any more where this Journal of those. It's up to any of you who are reading my Journal. If you don't want to see me write online anymore. That happened got. Had the maturity to stand up and be an adult and say so. Because if nobody says a single word that means nobody wants me to stop. And I'm not then ask why. I'm only saying, if someone doesn't want me writing online. Let them step forward and say so. Go ahead. Say the words.

And to my dying breath, I will love everyone in this world. I will love all of the life in this world. Because that is in agreement I have with God. And if anyone doesn't like that. Again, let them step forward and say, I have no right to believe in God. Let someone tell me I don't have that right. Please do. All my life people have been telling me I don't have the right to do one thing or another or to feel one thing or another. So let someone step forward and say, I don't have the right to believe in God. Go ahead. No problem.

Like I said. Since I've been keeping this Journal since November of 2010. I have only received about four or five comments do this Journal. And none of the comments have ever dealt with any of the essence of why I do this Journal or any of my personal journal entries. Not one. So don't blame me if I don't feel like anyone really cares. Because of anyone really cared about my Journal then why is it that no one even comments on my Journal?

I have a lot to get done today. I have a lot of things I have to take care of today. Most of which has nothing to do with online activity. And like I do every single day. I get everything done that has to be done. One way or the other it gets done. So I probably won't be able to write for most of the day. And I'm probably not going to write for perhaps 24 hours. I think that's an appropriate time. If no one says a single word in this Journal or says a single word to me about no longer wanting me to write online. Then I will continue to do so. And I will wait 24 hours from right now. And if I don't hear those words. If I don't see someone telling me not to write any more. Then I will continue to do so. And I will do so exactly for what I have said above.

Like I said. I'm not angry. I am just vehement and impassioned. That's all. And I do love everyone in this world. To my dying breath, I will love every single thing that God created in this world and everywhere. To my dying breath. And of course, beyond.

Thank you very much for listening.