Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Doubling Back

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, under any circumstances.  But this actually has happened to me several times in my life.  I would get to a point, in my life, where I would suddenly feel that what I was doing might in fact be inappropriate.  And then, out of the blue, someone would say something or someone would ask me not to give up.


And that's what happened today.  Someone I have not heard from in many many years, wrote me and said to me that what I was doing with my Journal, regardless of whether I was talking about myself for not, that a great deal more to do with other people that I might even be aware of.  They basically said that it was good that I was being as honest and his open in my Journal as I was.  Because they said that doing so actually was helping other people.  And they urged me not to stop doing personal journal entries in my main journal.


They did agree with me that stepping back from notifying all the different services and allowing blogger to handle the notification would probably a good idea.  But that is more of a technical issue rather than an issue dealing with the Journal as it is.


In this conversation, I even said that I felt sometimes embarrassed because I was talking about some of the physical issues I was having when so many other people are suffering so much worse.  And they told me that by talking about some of these issues so publicly that it was not only doing me some good, but was also doing others some good as well.  And they were rather insistent.


And because I have known this person for so very very long.  I really do respect them when they actually get in touch.  Because we don't often communicate because we travel in different circles in life.


So, I will continue with my Journal.  Meaning doing personal entries in my Journal.


Not today, I have not written at least personally.  And the reason is because that I have an appointment tomorrow with this service.  It is supposed to give me some assistance.  And that means I probably won't be able to write very much tomorrow either.


I've always maintained that I am on a kind of virtual journey.  And that in fact, the is absolutely true.  It's just the way it is.  I don't want anyone to think that I am a Bible thumper as the term goes.  Because I'm not.


The truth of the matter is that when I was growing up and still going to school in Cleveland I couldn't help but be spiritual because.  Not so much of my mother and father, because they really were not that spiritual.  But my grandmother and my aunt Helen, meaning my father's sister, really were deeply spiritual.  So, I always had this real tremendous respect for and belief in God.


But it was when I got to southern Arizona school in 1966.  And that my English and my Latin teacher, Mr. Everitt, introduced me to go into different religions services, every single weekend.  And so we would go to a different religious type of service every weekend.  And I began to have a tremendous appreciation for spirituality regardless of whatever religion.  It might be.


Of course, my belief in God became tremendously magnified and more solid after I actually died for those five minutes.  And to this day.  Most of the, so called, normal community, really can't believe that I actually did see or stood in front of God.  But to my dying breath.  I know that's exactly where I was.


So my belief, never really has left me.  When my darling Aileen being Wiccan.  And then becoming atheist for about three or four years before she became sec.  Our belief in whatever there is beyond this world was more metaphysical.  In many ways, although there was a certain amount of or rather a very substantial amount of spirituality.


In between the two… I would have to say that we were very close.  As far as house virtual we were, although I might say that my spirituality was possibly a bit more progressive or pronounced.


And then after she died.  Well, said she has died.  My spirituality has literally soared.  I always say God and I are very good friends, because we talk all the time.


I know there will be some people who will leap at any excuse whatsoever to say something nasty or to think badly of me.  And that's okay.  There are others who will in fact choose not to think that way.  Because there are others who will actually think of me in a more positive way, because they actually do understand how difficult emotionally at the very least, my life really is.  Not as compared to what other people are going through.  But as compared to what I have lived with in my own life.


And as I've said before, I have learned through the years I have lived in this world.  That having regrets is definitely not a good thing to do.  Not only does it make you feel bad.  But additionally, if you have any kind of regret or regrets then that means you actually might regret something in your life, which you may not be realizing actually has brought you to where you are currently.  So if you regret anything in your life you might not have ended up exactly where you are.  And that gets into whether or not you are happy with where you are.


Happiness is a state of mind.  I have always maintained throughout my life that if you are in a bad mood that changing your mood and becoming in a good mood is about as easy as it is to change clothes.  I have always felt that was true.  And the reason I say, that is because it doesn't take but a matter of a few seconds to change your mental frame of mind.  To where you can be in a good mood.  So why is it difficult for some of us to be in a good mood.  I've asked myself that question most of my life.


And the answer that has always come back is that a lot of times when we are in a bad mood.  We don't make the mental choices inside of our minds to change our mood, because we sometimes feel that there is no guarantee that if we change our mood that we will actually feel any better.  So then we end up arguing with ourselves about whether or not to actually take that leap and to feel better on our own.


When changing from a bad mood to a good mood really is quite easy.  Incredibly so.


I'm also not going to deny that this time of year has been incredibly difficult for me.  I have been in a huge amount of conflict about even allowing myself to see this person who is coming tomorrow to offer services.  I just really feel uncomfortable asking for any kind of assistance.  I always have.  And regardless of how some people may have seen in my life.  They have not seen the struggle going on inside during those times when I actually have asked for assistance.


My life always depended on me.  I can only depend on my parents for certain things.  But not for everything by any means.  For most of the things in my life, I usually had to fend for myself.  That and because of my operation I simply got to a point where I became quite used to never asking for any kind of assistance.  And I have always been very ashamed of my back.  Meaning my spine.  Part of that reason is because my parents and this is exactly where it came from.  They continually made me feel so inferior because of my back.  Because of my spine.  So much so that over years.  I began to become more aware of other people doing the same thing.  Then I was paying attention to people who were not.


So, I have very low self-esteem.  But so what?  I still somehow keep going.  And I am convinced that God is in the world.  Because I look at this individual I've known for so long contacting me in urging me to keep going.  Truly in my heart and my soul as being the hand of God reaching down and sort of guiding me.  Along with my darling Aileen.  Telling me not to give up.  Telling me to believe in me.  And that is something that has always been rather hard for me to do.


I might believe in my mind or my mental abilities.  I might believe in one skill or another that I might have.  But believing in myself has always been somewhat difficult.  And like I say.  I'm not talking about any of my abilities.  Because I had this really good ability to be able to analyze just about anything.  Just like I have a real good ability at writing and the number of other things.  But I have never associated those abilities with self-worth.  And I have to admit, that is a failing on my part.


But in any event, it does look like I'm actually going to be able to get some assistance.  Then I don't even know how to react.  I'm nervous as anything about tomorrow.  And I don't know why.  I'm scared.  I'm scared of people or the person possibly judging me in a negative way.  I'm always scared about not being accepted or of always being looked down on or made small of.  I can't explain that either.  It's just the way I am.


And I had a really horrible night last night.  Minor breathing problems.  But Bilbo's right foot became slightly infected.  So I had to do some emergency medical care.  And he's doing much better now.  Plus I had to finally close the cats off from going upstairs in advance of the summer weather.  So that was a real experience.  Trust me.  It was interesting to say the least.


So, I am really hoping that no one will think that what I'm writing about myself in my Journal.  That I'm doing so trying to draw attention to me, because that's not the case.  It's just my Journal.  And I'm doing it online, because I promised Aileen I would do this.  And because it is the Journal she wanted to do with me.  And because I feel it's important in however many years I have left to try and talk about my life as honestly as I possibly can.  Because I really feel in my heart and my soul that God will appreciate me being honest.  Even know I have been so all my life.  It just seems really appropriate right now.  More so than ever before.


So I'm asking for everyone's forgiveness.  I'm asking for those people who read my Journal please forgive me my failings.  Please forgive me.  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to be so conflicted.  I don't mean to be so troubled.  I don't mean to be so ambivalent or back and forth.  I really am trying as hard as I can to be as open and as honest as I possibly can.  I'm doing everything I can.  I don't want to compare myself without anyone else might be doing in their own lives.  I have never thought that was fair.


It's just very hard.  This is the hardest time of my entire life.  I haven't been tested this way.  Perhaps for many years.  Or maybe not.  Maybe I have been tested as hard as I am right now but just have not recognized it.  But I am doing my best.  Please know that.


And I do love all of you.  I can't explain really why.  I just do.  I love each and every one of you so much.  I don't know any of you well, I don't know most of you.  And I'm sorry, it's difficult.  I'm sorry I'm struggling.  I really am trying as hard as I can.  Honestly, I am.  Please know that.


So, I will write later.


Thank you very much for listening.