Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Yes My Love... I'm still here....


I did it sweetheart.I got it done. I sure did fall on my ass like all the time. And I procrastinated. And I got mad. And I got sad. I cried like I hadn't cried in so long. But Leen. I got it done. Okay. I got it done. And No. My love. I'm not mad at you. Not now. Not ever. I never could stay mad. I never could get really angry. Not with you my darling. I do understand sweetheart. I really do. I know you needed me. And I am so grateful to God that he or she or it allowed me to supreme honor of being there for and with you. Oh Leen.  I can feel you smiling. You're not far my love. You never went far. Not at all my darling. You simply went home. And thank-God for that. Thank God!

Aye...  how do I love thee? But my love, I love you with all that I have ever been. I love you with all that I am... and I love you with all that I shall ever be! My heart leaps when I feel your breath on my heart. My heart leaps! I can feel you. I can  feel you in my heart.  I can feel  you in my soul. I can feel your smile. And I know you are happy. We did it honey.! We DID it! We got it done. Okay. By the skin of our damn teeth. But we did it. Just like always, right? By the skin of those damn teeth. We did it.

Sure, they screwed up. But so what? Does it matter? No. Hell no! Nothing matters Leen. Nothing other than that we had those moments. Those 18 years. Those golden moments when our our eyes met. That first night at 8:45 pm on November 27th, 1993. That perfect second. That single instant. Our eyes met...

"My God! You smell like home...!"
"Why my darling, that's because you are..."

Home my love. You were and still are that place in my mind and heart and soul. That place where the tears flow like a river of love and light inside of me. God Leen. How remarkable you are. From beyond the veil you lead me and guide me still. My God, Leen, you are truly a wonder. And my dear. We are doing it. Okay. In spite of the hate.  In  spite of the downhearted and the forlorn and the misbegotten. In spite of those with guns and their hate. We are doing it my darling. One step at a time. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. But ever onward. Right?

Tis true my love. Tis true. No sparrow shall fall to the ground in this house. No bird will find it's wing broken or it's voice quelled. Not here. For this is hallowed ground my darling. God and you and our love made it so.

Together, hand in hand. You there, home and with God. And me here, often in the darkness of the deep forest, bumping into one tree after another. Yet our hands never fail in their reach. For they are clasped and we walk, side by side. Hour by hour, moment by moment. We walk. Me a bit crooked and bent. But still we walk. Together. Two who are one and then three. Us. Just us my love. Now and forever. Just us.

Feel my tears my darling. Feel my tears upon your heart and know that my joy in all that you are is such that it only grows stronger by the day. Stronger darling.

You send me so many wonderful signs. So many sweetheart.

I got bangs my love. Finally, yes. I got bangs. And well, hell. You were right. God. You and Jackie were right. I should have listened. I should have... I should have. I would have... I could have... My God Leen. If I could have stood between you and the hand of God and had him take me. In a heartbeat my darling. In a heartbeat.

But then, that's why God gave me that extra heartbeat. Long before we ever met. That extra heartbeat. Twas you my love. Twas you. It was my compass. It was my light. That extra heartbeat my darling, twas you. Tis you. Every time I feel it, I feel you close by. Standing by my side. My comrade. My stalwart character. That soul beside me here before the dark lord. Demanding that he abate. That he turn back. For these souls belong to God. And to the death he will not pass. He WILL NOT pass. And so it was. And so it is. To the death. To be a voice. Just one of the billions. Just a voice. In the darkness on this hill where the fools and the dreamers go. That voice defying the dark lord to step on us. For our swords crooked and broken. So many of our comrades fallen. Our armor dented. Our hopes dim. Yet we stand here. And there are others who join us Leen. And we stand here daring the dark lord to come at us. Come at us with his hate and his violence, and his fire. Come at us... and see the light of our love and God shine.  For with each pass of his fire on us, while our armor bends, our hearts and souls never do. We stand here. to the death... to the death my love.

These souls belong to God. And he will not pass. to the death he will not pass. For the glory of our love and the glory of God is what burns in our hearts. The glory of an intelligence that defies words. But brings out the best of our hearts and our souls. And there we are my darling.  There you are.

Feel my tears my love. Feel the joy in my heart. And know that this day ... this day my darling... this is the day when that final payment will be made. That last piece of silver. And then... then our home... Yes my love. Our home... I got it done. We got it done.

Oh Leen how I love you. I love you so much. I love you more with each passing second. My love leaps from me as your rose bush leaps from the ground. Each day brings new understanding of how remarkable you are, and were.  How together, hand in hand, we step one after another our feet fall on the ground. And we, you and I, we... press on... no matter what... we press on...

I see you... I SEE you my darling.You found your cello.There with God... playing the music of life. The music of the women being murdered. The children starving. The brave men being tortured ... their hopes fading...  and you play the music on your cello... the music of life and the music of love... Tis because  you are the music my darling. You ARE the music. Thank God you found your cello.thank God it found you. And thank God we found each other. Thank-God....

So look off the edge of this hill my darling. Look at the friends who follow us. Look at the brave souls who hear us. Look at them. All from different places in the world. All from every walk of life and every religion. Look sweetheart. Look at the sound your music makes here on earth. For that music is you my darling. Tis you...

You used to ask me if I really loved you. You would say that I didn't say it enough. and I would always answer... "My Leen. How can you ask that. For my love? Well, my darling... Watch what I do. .... There's my love... what what I do....".

There's my love my darling. There be my love... for you and God and for us.... for all of our brothers and sisters. Those who are suffering. Those who have fallen.

I was lost in darkness over that one single promise. That one single wish. Lost in turmoil and sadness. The pain... and yet, the wind in my face, and you by my side... we pressed on.. And we got there... we did it... and I've found my voice again... Thank God! I've found my voice again!

So do not ask me my darling if I love you. Just watch me. Watch what I do. There be my love. There be my soul There be my heart. There be you... and us... and God and all those who are lost and searching...crying out in the darkness. Begging for someone to just listen. To hear them. To know that they are there. My love? Just watch me my darling.

That first embrace. The scent of your hair. The feel of your hand. The feel of your skin next to mine. And your heart beating along with mine. Together... and that wonderful extra heartbeat. Tis you my love... twas always you...

My love. My liege. My comrade... my partner. My friend. My wife. My other heartbeat. My Leen...

Forever. That's what we said. Not till death do us part. But forever... Forever...

My hand to yours my darling. On this side of the veil or the other. Always my hand to yours. When you reach out your hand. No matter what. No matter when or where. You will always find mine. Always my love. Always..

Thank you my darling. Thank you for all that you gave me. All you give me.

Call them my love... Be the music. Call them my darling... Let your sound ring out... Call them my love.... call them home... Shine your love not only on me... but on the millions of brilliant women and the amazing children, and the fantastic men... who's voices will not be heard here on earth... for they are leaving... going home... Be the music my love. Be your music. Call them Leen. Let our love spread and join with God's love... call them my darling... they are so much in pain... and so hurting... Play your music my darling... and I'll play the keys here... and together we'll make that sacred sound. The sound of God's love for us... and his or her, or it's love for all of us...

I've found my voice Leen. Finally... Finally my darling... I've found my voice... Tis as my heartbeat my Leen. Tis you... My love... tis always you...

Godspeed my darling Leen... Godspeed...