Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Long Shadow

I have talked before about how I was a sickly child, where I actually had spinal meningitis.  When I was four years old.  And I talked about how I was basically born a midget.  Meaning that I was so short that my parents were actually embarrassed.  So when I was eight years old.  I was given hormone shots.  Because my parents wanted me to be taller so that I wouldn't be quite so embarrassing to them.  Because it was unseemly to have a child who was so short.  The shots did not seem to have any effect whatsoever.  Eight years later when I had this life-threatening growth abnormality in my legs.  There were of course a lot of questions about whether the hormone shots actually played any part in the growth spurt.  But it was later discovered while they were doing all the investigating which was not told to me until many years later that my birth mother actually had the same condition at exactly the same age.

When I went looking for answers about who my birth mother was two things came up during that investigation.  One was that at age 13 I actually had breasts.  Originally everyone thought that this was again.  Because of the hormone shots.  At least until I mentioned that I had always had rather significant pain in my navel.  So when the investigation was being done to locate what happened to my mother.  Meaning my birth mother.  A biopsy was done from a very tiny piece of some of the material that is caught in my navel.  Which makes my navel so painful.  And it was discovered that part of what is caught in my navel are the remnants of evidently my sister.  That I was actually one of twins and she was evidently absorbed into me.  Just about 90 min. before I was born.

So that when my mother was dying while at the same time giving birth to me.  There were remnants of my sister that were still present when they basically tied me off.  Which of course is why my navel is so painful.  And at that time some of my other physical characteristics were looked at and the conclusion was that she was in fact absorbed into me.  Just before I was born the conjecture at the time was that if she had been absorbed into me in less time than 90 min. say between 30 min. and 45 min. I would have actually been born a hermaphrodite.  Thank God that didn't happen.

So ever since I was like 13.  I actually had breasts and some other female characteristics.  Needless to say, with my mother and father being members of Oakwood club I was required to disguise everything.  And so I had to live a kind of persona as I was growing up, where I basically became like a kind of Ironman, so to speak.  Not like in the movies.  Just someone who could take just about anything can keep going.  Part of that dynamic was because of how my parents were quite controlling and alcoholic.  And the other part of course was because as I was growing up I had no idea about my mother and I had no idea why the other kids were always making fun of me and of course I was still short.  When I was 16 I was only 4'6" tall.  But in the timeframe of just eight months I grew 13 inches in just my legs which almost totally collapsed my spine.

And of course there is the whole other side where basically when all that was discovered in 1967 and then later in June of 68.  The prognosis was that I only had about.  Between three and six months to live.  Because my lungs were collapsing.  So not only did I have to hide most of what was going on with my body.  But I had to play a kind of role where I always had to reach beyond where I was.  And that became even more of a dynamic after got out of the hospital.  My parents were relentless nothing was ever good enough.  And they just kept pushing when I went out for the swim team after got out of the hospital.  That wasn't good enough for my father.  He said that swimming was for sissies.  So I had to work for a solid year on my own running at about 3 AM in the morning in the desert in Tucson, where I was going to school in order to at first learn how to run because when I got out of the hospital I had to be taught how to walk.  Because of how my whole body it changed and because I had been on my back for a solid year.  So it actually took me almost a month just to be able to learn how to run without swaying back and forth and looking totally out of control.

And my parents just kept pushing so I ended up every morning with leg weights, running about 13 miles.  And again.  Because they were pushing in.  Because I just had to continue to drive myself in order to play some kind of role.  Because I had no idea what was going on with my body and no one else knew.  I actually ended up running about a five-minute 15 second mile for every mile I ran as a long-distance runner.  So that when I competed in the state meet.  I believe it was 1970 I'm not quite sure but I think that was the year out of a field of 500 runners I came in 22nd and I was doing so with the spinal fusion and my left hip having been produced and my waist having been seduced and the top of my spine having been rebuilt where my left lung basically only had about 25% capacity.

And it was also discovered that I had problems with my intestines.  Because they had become twisted during the operation that was actually discovered about a month before the state meet because I was bleeding internally.  Every time I would go out for a run.  So I was put on a diet of milk and crackers basically for the month.  Because I demanded that I had to compete in the state meet as I said, my parents were relentless.  So during the I think it was 21 mile cross-country run I was actually having to hold a portion of my stomach to stop the bleeding so that I could finish the race.  After the state meet.  Of course they then barred me from running anymore.  So I then turned to the bicycle.  I was always in the position where I had to push the limits as far as I could to prove my masculinity.

The other side.  Of course was that when I was 12 and I began to notice that I had breasts.  I actually began being drawn to Transgenderism because there seemed to be this other side of me that no one was paying attention to that was a larger part of me then anyone might have known.

So all my life I had a certain amount of characteristics that were decidedly female.  But that I had to disguise in order just to do business or get along until when I was working in the Southwest I finally decided to allow my own mind and emotions to embrace this other aspect of my personality which was decidedly feminine and that was probably the toughest decision at that point I ever had to make.  Because the moment I made that decision.  I became more of a freak than I already was.  My brain had grown on its own unexplainably and my reading rate was off the charts.  And I had a photographic mind.  So I didn't much like mirrors anymore because I always sought to people, every time I would look in the mirror and I could never really figure out why.

As I said when I was in my 40s I finally found out the truth.  Which explained a lot.  But it still presented me with choices which were horrible.  Because the world might except growth abnormalities or different ethnicities or a number of other handicaps.  But the world had a very hard time dealing with any man who chose to live as a woman.  At least any man who chose to live as a woman who did not surgically have their body altered in order to become a woman.  But I never wanted to do that.  I wasn't ashamed of what God gave me.  It was the world that was having a problem.  So in addition to my making rather poor choices in the relationships I would become involved with where the women for the most part were more interested in my parents money than they were me.  Not only did my constant pain from my spinal surgery get in the way but the memories of what I had seen and experienced in the Ward during that year were so horrible that I was constantly balancing on a razor blade not only between sanity and insanity but between two different genders never really feeling comfortable with either.

And there were individuals who actually tried to use some of these weaknesses about me against me.  So I ended up just being alone most of the time.  I couldn't ever really find anyone who actually understood.  I actually had a number of friends who were actually hermaphroditic and I had a number of gay friends and straight friends.  But nobody really understood what it was like to be into worlds at the same time and never really being able to identify with either one.  So again I just found it easier to stay by myself.  The feelings of my being a mistake that God had made were really incredibly strong and my mother's resentment or dislike of me for whatever reason didn't help much.  Plus I couldn't stand their gambling and I definitely couldn't stand their drinking.  But in my household you didn't really talk back.  My parents were huge socially and financially.  So I basically just put up and shut up and tried to do the best I could.

The story of what happened in 1968 has so many details and twists and turns that it almost becomes unbelievable in 1967 when I was just turning 17.  Well actually in the fall of 1967 when I was still 16.  Because my birthday was in December.  But in the fall I was about 4'6" tall.  So I guess that's 1966.  But by December of 1966.  I had grown 13 inches and my legs and my spine was collapsing.  So at Christmas vacation in December I was put into a back brace and 1967 was pretty much like hell.  Again the details are quite strange.  I was in every manner of thinking a real freak.

My spine Collapsing until June of 1968 when it was discovered that I only had about 25% lung capacity throughout my lungs left I was basically suffocating.  So of course then there's the whole story of my surgery and all of the other junk.  And still through it all I had to disguise certain parts of myself because they were definitely not male.

Aileen was the only one.  Other than my grandmother who actually felt I was not a mistake.  And she was the only other woman in my entire life who actually thought that regardless of all my physical characteristics that I should have lived my life as a female as I said, I began to try to embrace my Transgenderism in the 1980s.  Because of the fact.  Like I said I would look in the mirror and I would always say two people.

So when Aileen got sick where she was dying, we decided that if I had gone in there as a transgendered female.  She would never have gotten the care that she needed.  Because shortly after I met Aileen.  We talked about all of the sand.  She encouraged me to live as a female because she felt I never got the chance to do so.  And she felt that I would never know this other side of myself, unless I actually embraced that side of myself.  But while she was dying of cancer.  I again hit that part of myself presented myself like I was before this really strong iron willed kind of male.  But I had to be that because she was dying and I had to be strong.  The matter what she needed my strength and she deserved my strength.  But just before she died she said that she wanted me to go back to living as a transgendered female I thought that was the worst idea in the world.  Because I have this constant battle going on inside of me.

I lived my life as a male, doing business as an analyst, while disguising this other part of myself always having to hide myself never really being able to shower in any kind of locker room and always being terrified of anyone seeing my body.  Not only because of my scars there were all over my back.  But because of some of the abnormalities that my body has.

But when she asked me to go back.  I relented and told her I would do so.  And so, the war that was under the surface actually came back to the surface again.  This back and forth tug-of-war where I'm caught in the middle.

Because I was such an athlete in a manner of speaking, not a professional athlete by any means.  But I was extremely athletic and again that was because my parents were always pushing me and I was pushing myself.  But as a result, I have incredible strength in my arms and my legs.  It's just the trunk of my body from my hips to my shoulders, which are basically trashed out.

So here I am 62 years old the war is still raging inside of me, pulling me in both directions.  I still see two people in the mirror at least if I focus on how I have both aspects.  But because Aileen asked me to go back to being transgendered and to embrace that naturally, when I look in the mirror because I am focusing on the feminine aspects of myself I see would any other woman and I know that's probably hard for people to wrap their mind around.  But it's just how it is and the war still rages on a never ending struggle a never ending battle never feeling part of either world never feeling part of either gender.  And yet when I focus on my Transgenderism which I have been doing since she died.  Not only do I feel more connected to my mother.  But absolutely and remarkably I feel incredibly close to my sister and I also feel much more honest within my own soul.  But because the war rages on.  There's always another part of me like my voice which is actually rather deep, but only because I had throat cancer when I was 19.  If I had not had throat cancer when I was 19 my voice would be decidedly female because that is one of the characteristics.  But the moment they cut my throat open to remove the cancerous melanoma my voice dropped about four octaves.  That was when I was 19.  So every way.  I looked at myself.  I was a freak.  My brain made me a freak the physical dimensions of my body made me a freak the physical characteristics I had made me a freak.  No matter what way I looked at it.  I was always a freak.

A freak of nature.  Remarkably, there are some women who I've met actually a large number of women that I've met or associated with, or talk to over the years who were incredibly sensitive and kind to what I was going through.  But it was only Aileen who actually understood it was only Aileen knew actually encouraged me to try and be what she felt I should at least have the chance to explore and to be.

But she's dead.  And there's a lot of physical work that needs to be done around this house and my legs are still incredibly strong my hips basically our junk so I have a real hard time walking.  Not because my legs.  But because of my hips.  My arms are strong my hands are strong and then at the same time there is the other part of me with all those feminine characteristics and so the war rages on with me caught in the middle.

In reality, and I'm not sure of the statistics about this but I understand that it is somewhat of a large number.  Meaning a large number of men who live as transgendered females actually do.  And that committing suicide.  Because of how much hatred there is in society for them being transgendered.  And that is yet another reason why I hide myself away.  The old feelings of me being a freak and an embarrassment.  Just don't ever seem to want to go away.  So I try my best, spiritually and psychologically and emotionally to focus on that other part of myself the one I kept pushing into the background all those years.  The female part of myself.  And that is some of my friends have said my voice really is not much deeper than Lauren Bacall's.  And we laugh.  But the reality is, I'm still a freak.  A freak of nature.  So I end up being embarrassed to go outside.  At least in this neighborhood.  And it really isn't safe for me to travel freely to a number of places in Cleveland.  Because in the United States.  There is a tremendous amount of hatred for any man who puts on a skirt Americans have no problem with a woman putting on a pair of pants and acting like a man.  Because America actually requires women to act masculine at certain times and to hide their femininity.  But when a man puts on a skirt America's answer all too often is that they simply want to kill that person word to destroy that person because they feel that the person is nothing but a freak of nature and should be destroyed.

So the only place I ever really feel like I fit in one I go out shopping is in the gay section of Cleveland where I can be the female that I've always wanted to be but never really was allowed to do so.

And so was Aileen being dead.  The only real safe place.  I have in the world anymore is here at home where no one can see me.  Because if they can't see me.  Then they can't act out against me.  So I never go out unless it's in the backyard which is surrounded by age 7 1/2 foot high fence where I can hide myself so that no one sees the freak.

Obviously, this war that has been raging inside of me.  All my life has produced.  Inappropriate behavior.  Nothing unlawful or illegal, just times when I would allow my temper do get the best of me.  I've never risen my hands in anger against a single human being.  I've never struck anyone but that doesn't mean I don't have frustration and doesn't mean that I didn't lose my temper.  Because I have.  Because I'm never able to stop this war raging inside of me because there's never any real safe place for me to ever be in the world unless I hide that part of me that the world just doesn't want to admit exists and does not want to see and yet if I hide that part of me then I'm denying my mother's courage and my sisters courage and I'm denying that part of myself that God gave me when I was born.

So it's a constant war and I have to do tremendous amounts meditation to find balance and to keep the war within tolerable limits.  And I do everything I can to identify with that other part of me.  Which is really very easy.  Because as I said when I look in the mirror and if I'm not consciously focusing at all.  I can see two people.  So when I look in the mirror.  I actively and consciously focused on seeing the female in me.  Because that's what I am living as.  Even though the world thinks I'm nothing but a freak.

Even Claude and Evelyn really never understood.  Which is why in order to save my own sanity I had to separate from both of them this year.  Because they were doing things that were aggravating this war like never even excepting my own femininity the closest people who are friends of mine always referred to me as a female because that's how I live.  And they respect that.  Just like my darling Aileen.  But Claude and Evelyn.  Of course don't and most of the world does not as well.  So the matter how comfortable I end up feeling with my own femininity the world's answer is basically that they will never acknowledge my femininity no matter what I do because the world.  Like I said made tolerate a lot of things.  But the world does not like it under any circumstances when a man puts on a skirt.  Not unless they are doing it in a movie or on stage.

So whatever writer explained to people that I've been living as a female the very first word they say.  Usually is, Sir.  Because they can't even bring themselves to admit my own femininity which is okay I guess it is what it is.  And yet I have great strength in my arms and legs and my hands.  At least in my hands.  Where I am able to do certain things and not others.  My hands have a certain amount of strength to be able to do certain household chores.  But if I try to type on the keyboard or use the mouse.  Because I've actually been touch typing since I was 12.  My hands begin to swell and the pain goes all through my arms and into my shoulders and if I continue using the keyboard and mouse.  Then of course the pain goes right to the fusion where the pain at that point is just beyond description.

So I have all the strength in my arms and my legs and yet I have this other part of me that is female.  But in reality physiologically women generally don't have a lot of upper body strength.  Another example of my being a freak.  And I suppose if I were to actually give into this war raging inside of me.  I suppose that it might actually be easy.  At one point to justify to my own mind about taking my life.  But then I died in 1968.  And when I came back.  I never wanted to go back there.  At least not anytime soon.  Plus I'm a pacifist.  So, suicide is the question.  It just won't happen.  Some people say that's because I am basically a coward.

To say that I'm tired of all these years of struggle doesn't even come close.  And because my spine is still twisted 35° to the right and because the left side of my trunk of my body is actually a quarter inch lower than the right side of my body.  Because of the curvature and the fusion.  Naturally my breasts are somewhat ill formed.  So naturally I'm about a size 38 C.

So sometimes I think maybe it would be better if I go back and hide my femininity again and be what everyone else wants me to be so that I won't look like a freak to disguise this other part of myself and pretend it just doesn't exist.  Which means I would have to go back to strapping myself down.  Because otherwise my breasts are definitely going to show and that's only going to make people think that I'm a freak.

But if I give in to my instincts and live as a female because my hands are unusually large as a result of my being in the hospital that year.  Then I'm going to look like a freak.  Which is why I hide my hands when I'm out.

In actuality, my body has a lot of deformities.  My head is quite small it's only 6 7/8 my hands are large because I had to use the patient helper when I was in the hospital.  And because I was extremely athletic when I was in school.  My feet are approximately 9 1/2.  My legs are almost 36 inches long.  My left hip is actually almost 1 inch lower than my right hip.  And remarkably with my height being 5'10" from the waist to my shoulders.  I'm actually the same size as my darling Aileen was who was 5'2".  So my body has a number of deformities that aren't always quite visible.  But they're still there.

And the war rages on.  My emotions are decidedly female.  My mannerisms are mixed.  But I have so much feminine energy inside of me that if I focus on that energy my mannerisms and my gesticulations become totally female.  So all of this is that constant battle going on inside of me.  Generally if a woman is not really secure in her own femininity.  She will hate any man who dares to become feminine because she will see it as a challenge to her own femininity when she is already insecure about her own femininity.  So I don't really get a lot of support from men or women.  Because of my condition.  And if I have to go to the corner store.  I generally have to pull my hair back into a tale because it's now down almost to the middle of my back and I generally simply took my skirt into a pair of trousers and put on an oversized jacket so that no one will know.  Because if I were to walk through the neighborhood where I live as a female I would either be robbed or killed because that's the neighborhood I live in.

All you have to do is listen to a police scanner and you will know how violent.  This neighborhood is.  There are robberies and break-ins every single day, all through the area.  And it's just not safe for a woman to walk the streets at night in this area of town unless they are caring, a weapon which is why a lot of the women in this neighborhood disguise themselves.  And actually where slacks most of the time.  But like I said, America doesn't have a problem when a woman puts on a pair of pants America only has a problem when a man puts on a skirt.

So I guess I am a freak.  A freak of nature.  Which is why I am very glad I'm 62 years old because eventually my body will finally get old enough and then I will die and that will be fantastic because when I die I will finally be free and I can't take my own life.  Because I'm a pacifist and because I'm so spiritual life to me is sacred.  I mean, it's really sacred plus side of seeing so many bad things in my life.  Well, let's just say that I've seen things that people should never have to ever see and I don't know why I was in the position where I saw those things.  But I did.  And all that seeing those things has done is to convince me that it's really not safe for me to be who and what I really am very much in this world.  My own daughter who is amazingly wonderful and brilliant is.  I think only now beginning to understand.  Which is a blessing.  And I take it as such.  But Claude and Evelyn just seemed to not really get it.  Like most people don't.

Is also my life I have had bouts of anger that were misinterpreted as anything from being bipolar to obsessive-compulsive when my anger was neither of those my mental illnesses basically posttraumatic stress disorder but only because of what I experienced in the hospital Ward during that year.  And my PTSD is incredibly debilitating and causes really tough emotional issues and brings a rather significant amount of pain.  But I don't feel comfortable talking about it.  Mostly because I was never in the military and a lot of times people in the military, just don't take PTSD seriously if someone was not in the military because it's almost like they feel that if you have PTSD and you were not in the military that you are just a gold brick or faking or stupid or weak.  So there's not a lot of people I can talk to about anything.  I go through.  So I don't usually accept here in my Journal.  And I guess I write like I am now in my Journal because I'm hoping that others who are struggling with similar issues.  Whether it is Transgenderism or something else might find a certain amount of solid knowing that others are dealing with similar issues.  Maybe it's just my way of trying to help.  At least I believe so.

But there's not much I can do in this world.  Because the world really doesn't feel comfortable with me being what I want to be the world is more tested in me being what the world wants me to be regardless of how God created me.  So again I just hide myself away.  It's just easier.

And I'm too old and I have too many physical issues to actually go all the way as they say and have the surgery.  Plus, after how they cut me open in 1968.  I don't really feel very comfortable around a lot of medical doctors a lot of them really just don't have very good bedside manner.  They're not real sensitive.  I was actually raped when I was in Denver one night by two different men at once.  And when I went to the police station to try and report the matter.  I was basically told to go away.  Because I was a guy.  And my rate just didn't matter.  But I still have the effects it took me months taking to entry showers every day before I could feel clean.  It took me almost a year before I stopped having nightmares of what those two men did to me.  But it was mostly ignored because again America has no problem with a woman being a man.  But they certainly don't want men to become women it's almost like an insult.

Some 62 and sometimes I wonder where this is all going to end up.  I've already decided because of how freakish my body is that when I die I will be cremated, but also because when I die I want to have my ashes mixed with my darling Aileen's ashes.  I guess that's the spiritual side of me talking.  It just seems to be the right thing to do.

So I never really was able to fit in anywhere.  And yet I'm still trying to do what I think is right.  Meaning I'm trying to be a good neighbor in the neighborhood.  I'm trying to be a good neighbor to my neighbors I'm trying to be a good citizen American citizen and world citizen, I try to spend most of my time when I have the energy campaigning for human rights, I tried to believe inside of me that I might actually be helping to make a difference but I'm never really sure because of how much anger and hatred.  There is in the world.  And so I spend a lot of my time meditating it's very interesting.  I have four cats.  Well Aileen and I had four cats.  And now I have them.  And one of them is a female and she was naturally drawn to Aileen and now she is naturally drawn to me that is sort of nice.  It's sort of like validation she's actually asleep on the chair next to my chaise lounge right now.  Cleo.

My skin is incredibly sensitive very female.  Very feminine skin I have to actually be careful because if I have an itch I can actually end up bleeding if I scratch my skin to severely although I'm not a hemophiliac.  Never have been.  It's just that my skin is really sensitive my nerves are basically shot.  Because I have broken and torn nerves all through my body.  Which doesn't really seem to affect the strength in my legs are my arms.  But definitely affects some of the other things like the nerves in my legs sometimes will have issues.

And yet what I think about everything I just wrote.  And then stop for a moment and think about so many people in this world suffering so badly like the people in New Jersey and New York after the hurricane who are still right now struggling terribly and how most of our country is almost forgotten about them.  Just like I think about the children of Sandy Hook and the children all over the world who are starving and being murdered by the millions of women who are being beaten raped and murdered.  And of course there are millions of men all over this planet who are being tortured and murdered every day as well.  And when I think about all these people having so many problems I always end up feeling like I've got nothing to complain about.

I feel that complaining is totally inappropriate.  Because I feel that if I complain about anything that I'm going through that I'm actually insulting these other amazing and brilliant men, women and children who are suffering so much worse and yet the war rages on.  This never-ending struggle inside of me.  Which for the most part.  Generally makes me really tired.  But I keep going.  Somehow I must just be really stubborn I just never want to give up.  So I keep going so either I'm stubborn or I'm just stupid.  But I know I'm not stupid.  So I have to be stubborn.

And of course the pain never stops.  My only defense is that I laugh at my pain.  It's the only thing that gets me through.  But again, so what others are suffering much worse.  We have millions of people in this country who are losing their homes millions who are having trouble keeping their homes and we have even millions more who don't even have a home.  So if I talk about anything I've got going on in my life.  I feel incredibly insensitive and that I shouldn't even mention anything but if I don't write it down if I don't express it.  It will simply build up inside of me and I'll either explode or our end up going to some dark place where I can't go.  I just can't.

So I guess every few days, I pray to God that I don't wake up.  That would be truly great because I would finally be free.  And yet every time I wake up.  Because of everything that happened when I was operated on.  I'm always amazingly excited when I wake up.  Because I never know when I go to sleep.  If I'm actually going to wake up.  So before go to sleep.  I generally ask God to do it every once in a while I do wake up.  I'm always really grateful and I'm always somewhat surprised that I woke up for another day.  I know that sounds really dumb, but it's just my life.

People have so many hardships in this world in my neighborhood people struggle all the time was really tough issues like having enough food to eat paying the rent.  So again I generally just don't feel it's appropriate for me to even talk about the issues that I have to deal with it just seems totally inappropriate.  But if I don't talk about them.  Then they build up inside of me and it's a never ending struggle.  It never stops.  And that really gets exhausting.  But somehow I just keep going.  Like I said either have to be really stupid or really stubborn and I know I'm not stupid.  So that means I'm really stubborn.

So obviously dating is out of the question.  Besides I don't want anyone to ever replace Aileen.  No way.  And I already know I'm a freak.  So I generally stay as far away from people as I can.  It's just easier that I'm not writing this because I want anyone to feel any kind of pity or sympathy.  Because that's just dumb.  There's no point in feeling that.  Because even if someone were to feel that way about my life, it wouldn't change the conditions of my life and I don't ever really believed that anyone really feels any kind of empathy or sympathy.  Because nobody's really in my life.  Aileen felt a lot of sympathy and empathy for what I am going through.  But she was part of my life and still is.

He plus the other thing I say.  Sometimes when I'm getting ready to go to sleep is that maybe I'll get lucky.  Maybe I will simply get lucky and I won't wake up.  The thought of that really does seem attractive because of I don't wake up.  That I won't be a freak anymore.  I just be energy home with God and my darling Aileen and my mom and my sister.

But that probably won't happen not anytime soon.  They say the good die young.  So I have always felt that I would probably be the last person on earth to die.  That is it to good die young.  I'll definitely be one of the last ones to go.  Or at least that's how I feel and some of that is probably because I was bullied most of my life.  But so what.  I survived.  There are lots of children all over the United States and world who don't survive as a result of the bullying they are subjected to.  So again I don't really feel like I should even discuss any of those things.  Because it's unfair to all these other amazing children and people who are being bullied.

And the pain never stops.  I get so tired from the pain I am so tired of feeling pain I cannot even put it into words.  I could write for 1000 years and never really described with my pain is like physically, let alone the promotional junk.

So I just don't know where I'm going to end up.  I have no idea.  Hopefully I will be able to die in this home.  Because that's what I would really like.  It's comfortable here because no one can see me.  And if they can't see me.  They can't act out their hatred against me.  So I don't really feel very comfortable talking about hairstyles or what I do as a female because I don't really know if anyone really accept me as one even though I live as one.  Even know everything I do is the same as any other woman does.  But I don't really know if anyone really understands or takes my side.  So I don't really have anyone to talk to at all about what I'm going through.  Except here in my Journal.

So I go to sleep a lot of nights my favorite line is, so what you think God?  Will I get lucky tonight?  How about that God?  Will you let me go home tonight?  But God never does.  His answer is that I don't get to go home.  His answer is that I have to press on.  No matter what.  Great.  Press on.  And for what purpose?  I'm a freak.  What the hell could the world ever get from someone like me.  And yet I know that's not true because I know I have a good brain and I know that I am able to write certain things that really are able to help other people.  I know that I know and understand certain things that might actually help a lot of people.  So I press on.  Somehow.

I'm only able to sleep for about two hours at a time.  I'm actually able to meditate for a lot longer.  I can meditate almost for days which is short of remarkable.  But I'm able to do it.  But as far as sleeping I generally can't sleep for longer than anywhere from 90 min. to two hours.  And then I either wake up as a result of a nightmare.  All are.  I wake up was breathing problems.  Depending on the weather and during the winter here in Cleveland, the weather is definitely a challenge.  Not so much the snow when the cold.  Because I'm used to that I went to school in Colorado I lived in Colorado.  So I lived around temperatures that were extremely cold and where the snow was much deeper than it ever is here in Cleveland.  Out in Colorado believe it or not in the mountain passes and in some of the mountain towns the snow can get to be over 15 to 20 feet deep.  But that's more up in the mountains and the temperatures are amazingly cold.  So I just sort of got used to that over time.  I just have to make sure that I don't get any real drafts on my rib cage.  Because with my left lung.  Partially collapsed I can build fluid very easily in my left lung, if it gets a chill.

But the doctors say my long is incredibly clear and my heart is of course amazingly strong.  But then I was extremely athletic.

So it's a constant battle one that never ends.  And I wish I could turn it off.  But I can't.  It's part of my life and I just have to accept that.  Which I try to do.  Unless, like now, when I'm really tired and with everything that I've been through over the last several years.  I just don't really care much anymore.  If I don't wake up.  That would be fine.  That would be nice it would be great.  Because then I would no longer have any pain and I would be free.  The pain in my lower back pain in my hips tonight is quite severe.  But so what.  I can't do anything about it except take aspirin.  As I go to sleep tonight being so tired as I am with the pain basically raging along with the ongoing war of that I live with my feeling is maybe I'll get lucky tonight.  Maybe I'll finally get lucky and I just won't wake up.  But that never happens but I keep hoping.  I love this world.  I love everything in this world.  I love every form of life.  I love every aspect of this world.  I love this world probably more than I love myself.  So I don't really want to leave and yet leaving it so attractive because if I leave I'm finally free.  No more conflict no more pain, no more raging battle inside of me.  No more not being good enough.  No more being a freak or being an embarrassment.  No more stumbling in the dark bumping into trees.  But I never get lucky.  I always wake up.  Go figure.

And mostly what is coming out of me tonight is not meet being where I should be.  It's me just being tired.  I'm just tired and I know if I give myself a few days rest, that I'll be fine.  I'll bounce back I'll get up and keep going.  I always do.

I really wish I could help this world.  I really do.  I wish there with something I was able to do that would help this world.  Not to be so full of conflict and violence.  Because it's what I live within sight of my own soul.  All the time.  I know conflict real.  Well it goes on with me every single minute.  It hardly ever stops.  But the world is full of conflict and there's nothing I consider do that will ever really have any affect on all of the violence and all of the killing and all the other junk.  But I keep trying.  That's what you do when you are involved with human rights.  You just keep growing.  No matter what.

Any help as I go to sleep tonight.  I will of course pray for all of the amazing men, women and children who are suffering so badly the children in Connecticut and their families the wonderful people in New York and New Jersey the amazing men and women and children all over the world who are suffering so badly that it just tears at my heart it's times like these that I really miss my darling Aileen.  I miss her so badly I am so lost without her.  I really am.  But she's dead.  And the only way I can talk to her is through my consciousness she loves coming to me in my dreams.  That's at least something.

So if you look at me and think I'm a freak.  My attitude is good for you.  Because I feel the same way.  Unfortunately, God seems to have other plans.

Maybe I will get lucky.  Maybe I will get lucky tonight.

Thank you so much for listening.