Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

The Gates of Hell

For anyone to think that when I talk about standing at the gates of hell that I am actually talking about something biblical would be making a mistake.  Because that's not what I'm talking about.  When I say that what happened when I died was that the price for my coming back was that I would be required to stand at the gates of hell.  In order to warn people not to come this way the gates of hell doesn't mean something from the Bible.  It simply means the dark part of ourselves.  The ugly parts of ourselves the darkness inside of us the evil the negative the horrible those choices that we make that produce nothing but the worst possible results.

And it is not someplace that you can find in the Bible or that is located anywhere in the universe.  It's a state of mind.  And I know that has to be really difficult for some people to understand because some people will say how can I be standing at the gates of hell.  When in fact it is really nothing more than a state of mind.  But in reality that's exactly the truth.  The way I understood things as they were taking place in 1969, specifically during that 12 hour conversation I had with God at the top of the saddle Ridge was that the price for my being allowed to survive or come back was that I would stand for the rest of my life as a marker to humanity trying to warn humanity about the tremendously dangerous, but exist if humanity would continue to make these horrible and ugly choices whereby as a result of those choices.  Humanity would do nothing but basically, feed on itself and kill itself.  Because in reality that's exactly what were doing.

It was a state of mind.  And make no mistake, I stood in front of God.  I saw everything.  It wasn't the kind of event or circumstance where you end up terrified because when I stood there while I was dead.  I realized that what we consider death is nothing but simply a change in the state of our minds or our consciousness.  A change that would in fact produce physical effects where our bodies or the shell that houses our consciousness would no longer continue.  So I wasn't afraid.  I was angry.  Absolutely.  I didn't think it was fair for God to suddenly be thinking my life was over.  When God put me through all this junk with my spinal fusion and all the other stuff suddenly to just wipe me out.  So I got angry.

And that's when what you might call the voice of God told me that it really is nothing more than a state of consciousness and that the price for my being allowed to come back and to be alive was that I would be a marker to humanity to try to warn humanity not to come this way.  In other words, not to move into the darkness of their own consciousness whereby as a result, horrible negative things would happen.  But humans never really got what I was trying to say or my fellow humans never really understood is what I mean to say.  Nobody ever really understood it takes a really keen mind to grasp what what I'm talking about.  Because as I said it is a state of consciousness.

And it's the worst possible place to have to be.  Because your consciousness ends up being in a place where you are standing right between all of the really horrible negative stuff that we do with our own choices and at the same time standing in the exact opposite place the same time that place where we can make really fantastic choices and do tremendously wonderful and brave and loving and kind.  Thanks.  So the consciousness that is inside of me became or was to become a kind of marker to try to warn humanity not to go to the darkness within themselves or within our species.

But most people in the world arch stream we superstitious and most people in the world arch stream we trapped in tremendous religious dogma of one form or another to the extent, where people think that heaven and hell is really some actual place will in reality it's not it's simply a state of consciousness.

When you look at each other in this world.  When we look at each other.  We see just millions of things.  Most of the time.  Because we are so sensual we see various aspects of what we consider to be beauty or ugliness but that's not really all we are seeing because if that's all we see then we are saying only what our eyes see.  And that's not everything we see.  Because when we look at each other.  There are millions of things that we actually do see that we hardly even take conscious notice of.  For example, a gesticulation in someone's face.  My make us feel that the person has a certain degree of beauty or ugliness or perhaps the way they talk or the way their eyebrows appear or the color of their hair or the shape of their face or the color of your skin.  There are millions of things that we see with our eyes.  And with the other aspects of our mind or consciousness.  There are millions of things that we see millions of pieces of information that we process almost every second most of which that we are not consciously aware of.

For example, we can go to a party with lots of other people and for some reason one person or perhaps another have to party gives us a kind of vibration where we just don't feel real comfortable around that person.  So we call it a vibration when in reality it is an element of informational exchange.  It's a piece of information that we are consciously processing that our five senses.  I'm not really consciously aware of.  Because it's just a feeling.  And yet we interpret that feeling in terms of a gut response, or instinct.  But in reality it is a state of consciousness the state that we just aren't really aware of.

Adult takes place every single second whether we are reading a book.  Whether we are talking with a loved one or working in an office or working doing what we do for a living.  It doesn't matter.  Every second we are bombarded with millions and millions of pieces of information most that are five senses are really aware of and yet consciously.  We taken that information and it affects us and again millions of different ways.

So standing at the gates of hell is standing literally in that very small consciously oriented informational place.  That place that is what might be considered, informationally a dividing line between all of the negative energy and all of the positive energy.  I guess the closest thing that you could possibly relate to regarding what I'm saying is the story of Lazarus.  Where Lazarus was basically doomed to fight with his alter ego or the other part of his consciousness for all time.  And I am not Lazarus

But that is an illustration of what I'm talking about.  And as I said, it takes a really keen mind to understand what I'm trying to explain.  Because it's not anything or any place they can be consciously taken in with our five senses.  Because it's a place that exists as a result of our consciousness.  It's not a place that exists for our consciousness.  But as a result of how we consciously exist as sentient beings.

So of course there is that part of me all these years that has somewhat resented God for putting me in this particular position.  But going in that direction intellectually is not really very wise.  Because nothing ever comes from it.  Which is why I say you can argue with God all you want but the reality is, God always wins.  So I didn't have a choice.  During those 5 min. when I was dead.  I didn't have a choice I was there I saw everything I became everything.  Everything that was or is or will be and whatever I was while I was dead completely merged.

And trying to explain that to anyone was probably the dumbest thing I could've tried to do in my life.  Because no matter how hard I tried to explain things to other people.  They never really understood.  It was just much easier to think that I was either crazy or diluted.  People don't really like to have to work hard intellectually they don't mind stretching their brain or trying to become more intelligent.  But as they have become too abstract people begin to lose interest because it's just too hard for them to grasp.  I didn't have a choice.  I died.  And the only way to get back was to.  I guess what you might call bargain.  I had to bargain my way out.  I had to make some kind of arrangement or deal with in my own consciousness and whatever consciousness I was being confronted with which we call God.

Which is why at one point during that 12 hour conversation I had with God.  In 1969.  I cursed, then I told God that it wasn't fair for him to damn me for all time.  At which point God told me that I wasn't damaged.  Because when something is damned they just don't exist.  Because when something is damned they're done.

It's not like in the movies or any comic book or any religious document.  Whether it is the Koran or the Bible or any other book.  When you are damned you no longer exist.  Your consciousness and all the information that makes you up simply becomes different and to try and explain that would probably take me for five different Journal entries.  Because again it's not like what anyone thinks.  It's not like what we think at all.

Our religions in this world were originally created in order to attempt to organize our thoughts regarding spirituality or how we spiritually relate to the world that is not visible or that part of our existence that is beyond our explanation.  It was created in order to organize our thinking.  That's really why the concept of religion was even created as a concept.  But unfortunately, we as humans have organized our thinking based on tremendous amounts of superstition and magical thinking to the point where we actually believe in heaven or hell is a place when that's not true.  It never was.

So, informationally speaking, my life has been nothing more than a kind of informational marker to all of my fellow humans all of my fellow world citizens.  The wonderful people in this world good or bad.  Just a marker.  To try to give people some kind of indication as to the ramifications of their negative choices.  But unfortunately, most people didn't really understand.  They never did.  It was a lot easier to just look at me and call me diluted or stupid or crazy or some other idiotic expression.  Because it's a lot harder to stretch your mind beyond anything you think might be possible in order to understand concepts that are so huge that everything we have learned here on Earth is miniscule by comparison.  But that's the reality.

So it's not that I'm damned because that's not the case.  I'm just a marker.  And it wasn't my choice.  I don't know why I got angry when I discovered I was dead.  But I did.  I became furious.  I was 17 I didn't know I was dead.  But when I began to figure out that I was which didn't take more than a few seconds.  I really became pissed off.

As I remember it, which probably will be burned into my mind for the rest of my life I started swearing up a storm.  I was serious.  I was yelling and screaming that whatever it was, had no right to do this to me to put me through all this junk all this crap just to wipe me out.  Like I said I was yelling and screaming.  But that is a state of consciousness.  Because the physical reality was that my personal doctor, Dr. Murphy was kneeling by my bed actually reading from the Bible.  From what I understand and Dr. Herndon was actually on the phone telling my parents.  I had are ready died.  He.  Go figure.  But I remember I was yelling and screaming and I was not going to go quietly.  Hell no.  If God wanted to wipe me out.  I demanded that he show himself if he wanted to take away my life I wanted to see him face-to-face I wasn't going to be wiped out.  Like I was some inadvertent mistake.  No way.

And that's when it happens when I looked to what I considered to be my right and I saw every piece of information that ever existed existed at that moment.  And that would ever exist.  And in what seemed as nothing more than a split second everything I was merged with that information.  That's one of the reasons I always say that when you think you want to see the face of God.  My advice is to think again.  Because going to that place in your consciousness is doing something that will change your consciousness and how you express your consciousness for the rest of your life.  And that kind of change can make use so alienated and so misunderstood than living your life normally becomes almost impossible.  Just like it was and has been for me.  And again it wasn't my choice.

During the operation.  I almost bled to death and then after the operation, in the recovery room.  I almost suffocated.  And then I died.  And then I came back and then I almost died two other times and then I tried to kill myself on October 1.  It is.  They gave me Compazine.  So wasn't my choice.  Just like it wasn't my choice to be born what might be considered as a midget.  It wasn't my choice.  That's my spine would have this kind of abnormal malignancy or gross it wasn't my choice.  I didn't do anything to consciously make it happen.  But I'm like anyone of you.  When presented with the circumstance where you might suddenly no longer exist, your instinct is to fight back and that's all I did.  Except we are talking about a state of consciousness.  So fighting back is a hell of a lot different than picking up a gun or a weapon to do battle with someone or something.  Because we are talking about a state of consciousness or a state of mind.

That's why I say for anyone to think that I'm special is making a really bad mistake.  Because I'm not special.  No way.  I'm different but I'm not special.  I'm nothing special to this world.  I never once.  There were thousands if not hundreds of thousands or even millions of women being abused in 1950 like mine birthmother was.  There have been tens of millions and hundreds of millions of children born with various abnormalities various challenges challenges that most of us look at and think how remarkable it is that they survive how amazing it is that they do so well.  And yet they do.  I'm not special.  No way I'm just different.  That's all just different.

And I'm like anyone of you.  The matter who you are.  The matter what country you are living in the matter how much money you have for what religion you are, I'm exactly like anyone of you.  Because if anyone of you work where I was anyone of you.  The matter who you are.  You would've done exactly the same thing I did exactly the same.  And I know that's true because I know how we process information.  I know how we consciously look at our own minds and our own consciousness.  No matter how we define things.  When you scrape away all of the Bullshit religious dogma.  And all of the idiotic superstitious and magical thinking were almost all exactly the same.  Every one of you would have done exactly what I did every one of you would've gotten just as angry as I was unless you don't really care about surviving.

But it have any kind or any sense of survival you would've done exactly what I did you would've felt what I felt you would have behaved exactly the way that I acted regardless of what you say because in reality the only thing that makes us different than the other animals and plants here on Earth is that we consciously have a brain.  Where we actually process the information with regard to various linguistic symbols or codes that we call words or concepts.  That's the only thing that makes us different.  Just like the only thing that makes us different from one country to another is all of the religious dogma or the superstitious thinking what a magical thoughts that we might have from one country to the other.  But if you scrape that all away and start looking at the commonality between us there is no difference.

Sunna matter what any of you think or how you might feel if you were exactly where I was in 1968 on September 2 at 12:02 AM you would have done exactly what I did you would've felt exactly what I felt you would have acted exactly the way I acted you would have been as angry as I was and you would have been is defined as I was.  And you would've fought back exactly the way I did you would've demanded to know why you would've wanted to see exactly what it was that wanted to wipe you out.  Just like I did.  It's not about Curry just not about any of these earthly idiotic concepts that we apply trying to make one person better than another.  It's about what we are as human beings as the energy that we are as what we are consciously you would've done exactly what I did.  Regardless of anything you might say.

I suppose in one way of thinking I might be able to say that there might have been a reason why my particular life was put in that position.  But that requires people to understand the synchronicity of life that exists beyond what we are as humans.  And there are many people who understand that kind of synchronicity.  So it doesn't make much sense for me to try to explain it.  When most people are going to even be able to understand what I'm talking about.

But that's what happened.  And if you think that didn't make me feel like a foreigner to my own species then you really are deluded because I'll tell you what when I came back alive.  I knew I was different.  I knew damn well.  I was different and no one would ever understand.  My grandma understood.  Aileen understood and to this day.  I don't even know why.  I don't know how my grandmother, an 80-year-old lady who was old world Jewish.  I have no idea why she understood what I was talking about but she did.  I was found that remarkable.  She knew exactly what I meant.  And I didn't know why.  Shelley's told me it was an important.  Meaning it wasn't important that I know why just that she understood.

But because I am a human being.  And I have all this culture.  Just like everyone else does.  All my life.  I kept looking for someone who might actually understand what I was talking about and hardly anyone ever did in fact no one did.  It was much easier to think that I was just simply crazy or deluded mentally ill, dysfunctional any one of a number of hundreds of different concepts are ideas that we apply to each other.  When we don't know how to explain their behavior or how they are relating to us or how we are relating to them.  It was just much easier to make me out like I was just stupid and crazy.  When in reality I'm neither.  I am mentally ill as far as what we humans define as far as mental illness.  But I'm not crazy.  I never have been.  And I'm not deluded.

But it didn't take me long to understand that trying to explain this to others was probably the dumbest thing I could ever do.  So I had to invent different kinds of façades that I would take on in order to be understandable by other people.  I had to behave like a dog doing tricks jumping through hoops always trying to measure up and be what others thought I should be your thought what they thought I was.  But I was never that I couldn't have been.  Not after what I saw what took place because everything was different.  I now had knowledge that I didn't get from humanity.  I had knowledge that came from someplace else.  And most of it.  I could not even discuss with anyone because no one would understand.  Which is why in 1969 during that 12 hours I yelled that God telling God he had no right, dam me this way.  At which point God said I was not damn he didn't say I was blessed.  But he didn't say I was damned.

So I knew back in 1969, that my life would be completely screwed up.  I knew my whole life was going to be a really bad circus ride.  And it was.  It was an adventure beyond anything I ever read in any book.  It was an adventure beyond anything you ever saw in any movie.  It was remarkable.  We look at each other using our five senses and we think we see everything.  When in fact what we consciously see is miniscule compared to the information we are actually taking in so that when I look at people.  I don't just see what my five senses see because I died and I did merge with all that other stuff.  So when I look at people.  I see a lot more and believe it or not.  What I see is so beautiful so amazingly fantastic that I can actually break down crying when I see certain things taking place.  When I watch a young child speaking, their first words were taking their first step.  Or when I see someone no matter what age they are finally learning how to read how to understand language so that they can process.  That language and expand their thinking in that one instant.  When they finally learn their first word or first learn how to read.  It's remarkable it's what we call magic the illumination that they are going through the discovery the gratitude the feeling of freedom taking the chains off their mind is virtually no difference between a child speaking their first word and someone who is in their 50s or 60s finally learning how to read.  There's no difference.  At least, informationally and consciously there's no real difference.  And that's part of what I see as not my fault I didn't do this on purpose.  It just happened.

I've always said that life is meant to be used life is meant to be lived life is not meant to be afraid of.  It is not meant to be wasted it's not meant to be abused and yet that's what we as humans do so much.  We abuse our lives.  We abuse life itself.  We take it for granted.  We treated with disregard.  Because we don't even understand how miraculous entire life process really is because we think life or the life processes what we see here on Earth.  When in reality it's nothing compared to the total process nothing at all.

Like I said, I'm not special.  Good God no.  No way am I special.  I'm just incredibly different.  And believe me if I could have had it any other way I would've done so in a heartbeat.  That's one of the other things I told God I dared God to try and justify to me why I was going to have to be this different.  But like I said God is and what we think the Muslims look at God.  One way the Buddhists look at God.  Another way the Wiccans and the pagans and the Druids look at God a different way.  The Catholics and Christians.  Yet another way the Jews another way we all look at that thing that energy beyond this world.  And we define it in so many different ways oftentimes based on religious dogma.  Magical thinking or superstition.  When in fact it's none of that those concepts are really superfluous regarding the real process of life.  Because when you really do see even a part of the total process you become changed in every way your mind expands so fast and so greatly that everything you ever were or ever will be becomes totally different not special.  Just different.

When I think about how we as human beings relate to each other beating each other up trying to justify our mass murder and are abusive each other and our abuse of ourselves, well, understanding the whole process.  My heart just breaks.  We have so much potential and we ignore so much of it.

So that's what I'm talking about when I say I stand at the gates of hell.  That one place that one single instant in time between all of the negative energy and all of the positive energy as a kind of marker and informational marker a boy.  He or a girl with their finger in the Dyke trying to prevent a flood and people walk by that little boy or girl laughing at 10 calling them stupid for trying to prevent a flood that they are not even aware is taking place.

How often do we do that every day we see someone trying to prevent some terrible thing coming about.  And we call them deluded or crazy or stupid kids it's much easier to laugh at them than to try and understand what they are really doing so, like I say when you see that small child with their finger in the Dyke and the people are laughing at that child who is stupider then?  Who's the stupid one at that moment?  Is a child with their finger in the Dyke the one who is stupid or are we stupid for laughing at them and not understanding what they are doing?

If we don't start expanding our awareness of we don't start expanding our consciousness if we don't start reaching out to ourselves and each other were not going to have very much of a future.  We are already on the verge of destroying everything we ever created.  We're letting all sorts of ugly forms of consciousness become part of our daily life where we are basically murdering hundreds of millions of children every year.  And then making excuses about it.  Just like we are murdering and destroying hundreds of millions of women every year when they are in fact the harbingers of life itself.  So that our destruction of women basically becomes an example of our own contempt for life and ourselves because if we really respected life if we really respected ourselves.  We would never miss treat any woman.  We would never denigrate them our rate them or beaten to death because we would understand that they are the ones who bring life and but since we don't really respect life that much and since we don't respect ourselves that much.  We make excuses why it's okay to destroy ourselves and each other.  We pass laws.  And we go through all forms of stupid politics just to get to a justification to ease our egos.  Because we don't want to deal with the real issue that we are destroying every aspect of what we ever were or ever will be.  Just because it's easier to be stupid.  It's easier to make fun of something we don't understand it's easier to hate someone that it is to try and expand your thinking and your consciousness to understand the other person.  It's easy to look in someone's face and see which you want or to see them as being ugly or pretty.  But if you scrape all that away and you look in someone's face, you see so many miracles in every single movement that if you have any connection to your own soul.  You are reduced to tears because it's just so remarkable absolutely incredibly remarkable.

It's not my fault.  Please understand that it was never my fault.  I did the best I was able to do.  I tried my best.  All my life to fit in.  I tried in every way.  I possibly could to be what all of you wanted me to be but it never worked.  I was changed.  It wasn't my fault.  It just happened.  I didn't plan to die.  I didn't plan to have my spine becomes screwed up.  It just happened.  I didn't plan to lose all of my friends or most of my friends as a result of various forms of death.  It just happened.  It's not my fault.  Dear God it's not my fault.

So think of me anyway you want.  Because you probably will do so in the matter what I say I know how we process information I know how trapped we are in our magical thinking in all of our different dogma.  Don't ask me why there's no point.

So when I say that I love humanity and then I love every single person and form of life in the world.  Most of you won't even believe that you'll just think I'm lying.  That's how most of you treated me.  All my life, like I was either stupid or crazy or deluded or just a liar.  Because most of you never took the time to try to even look at what I was saying are try to understand what I was saying you didn't take the time.  Because you didn't have the interest, no problem.  It's not my loss.  I'm the one who has the understanding.  Not because I wanted to but because it happened.  And if you don't understand what I'm talking about.  It's not my fault that you don't understand because you're the ones in control of your own consciousness.  Not me.

So I say that I love all of you.  You can bet your bottom dollar I mean that I always have.  And I'm not special to God don't ever call me that.  Because I'm not.  I'm just different really incredibly different.

Thank you very much for listening.