Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Stumbling

I don't want anyone to think I'm angry because I'm not.  I just hurt.  That's all I just have a lot of hurt inside of me.  And I don't want anyone to think that I'm a liar.  I don't even know why it matters.  Because in reality it probably doesn't matter.  I'm not doing much with my life right now.  Except detecting this house and defending my darling Aileen and trying to be a good neighbor and a good American and world citizens.  That's all I really want to be.  But this is my Journal.  This is where I argue with myself.  This is where I write down the difficult issues that come into my heart and my soul and my mind and then I do so online.  Not so much to draw attention to myself but to draw attention to the type of conflicts that I and others are going through.  Because there are a lot of people who are going through various types of trauma right now.  There are so many people going through so many different difficult times.  Millions and millions of lives that are struggling.  In the United States.  We have millions of people who are losing their homes millions more who don't even have homes millions of people who are having a hard time keeping their homes.

Then we have 6 million women who are either beaten raped or murdered every year.  Then we have approximately 43,000 suicides and thousands of children every year who are sexually molested or abused.  And that's just here in the United States.  When you look around the world the amount of suffering and pain that is going on is so far beyond what most people can even comprehend let alone and being able to figure out how to do anything about.

But I'm a writer.  And instead of making money with my writing.  Instead of making money from my ability to write downwards and connect them in various ways I use my ability to try and speak out for and tell the stories of the millions and millions of amazing children and brilliant men and women who are every single minute struggling just to survive and how millions of them will not even see the sun set this night.  They die every day.  Many of them.  If not most die alone thinking.  Nobody here is some that nobody sees them.  And I don't think that's fair.  I don't care whether someone lives in Russia or the UK or France or Asia or South America, Canada, Mexico or even here in this country I call home.  The United States.  In those last moments.  There really isn't any difference between any of us because were watching our life basically slip out of our hands.

So I write online not to call attention to me.  Because in the scheme of things.  My life doesn't matter.  Hardly anything at all.  Not when compared to all this other suffering I write here online to draw people's attention to the struggles I'm going through.  Hoping that they will see that the struggles I'm dealing with are exactly the same kind of struggles though different of course.  Because of different lives that other people are in fact dealing with in their own lives.  Because they are whether it's someone's dealing with blindness or their loss of hearing or maybe they lost a leg.  Or maybe they've just lost their home.  Or maybe their business.  Just failed.  Or maybe they've lost a loved one, like I lost my darling Aileen.  I don't want any of these amazingly good and wonderful people to ever feel that no one's paying attention.  So I write in my Journal.  Knowing that most people won't really understand why I'm doing it but God will and so will my darling Aileen.  God will know that I'm writing in my Journal.  So that I can make sure that somehow or other, these people are at least mentioned and remembered inside of my heart.  Because they deserve that.

If God will not allow the smallest sparrow to fall to the ground, then why as that creators creations should we do any less.  It doesn't matter whether someone is Jewish or Muslim or Catholic or Christian or Buddhist or Wiccan or pagan or Native American or any other spiritual orientation or belief it doesn't matter if we look at life and see only certain lives as sacred then were not really understanding the nature of the creator that I call God.  That is called by so many different names in different religions.  But whatever we call it that energy that supports beyond this world.  And that pervades this entire planet that energy didn't create any of us out of a sense of hatred created us out of a sense of love and if we're really going to give anything back to our children.  Why can't we give that back.  Why can't we give them a world flourishing would love instead of overflowing with violence.

So I write in my Journal because it's the only place I can talk.  Unless I do so privately on my computer.  But even then, the only one who will listen.  At that point will be God and my darling Aileen.  But if I write here online.  Others will listen and they will look in their own lives and they will see that in their own lives.  They have struggles that they have based they will know of friends who are facing much more difficult struggles and at that point, there is no comparison.  There is no competition as to see who is hurting more.  Because it doesn't matter.  What matters is that people are hurting and that we as a human population have the ability to bring an end to that pain and all we have to do is just one simple thing.  Always have to do is the same thing that the creator does for all of us.  The creator or that energy loves us by giving us the chance to live.  All we have to do to diminish the hatred in this world and the violence in this world is to love each other.  And yet that is probably one of the hardest things we are able to do the matter what.

So I write.  My hands just don't work very well around the keyboard and mouse anymore.  I mean they do and they don't because I'm still skilled at touch typing.  I'm actually still quite fast.  But if I do it for any length of time.  My hands start swelling and then they just don't work very well.  So I don't use my keyboard much or my mouse and I rely on this speech program to get things done.  As embarrassing as it is.  But so what if laughing at me will say one more life that I don't mind being laughed at if calling me stupid will save a life that I don't mind being called stupid because if I am about anything.  It has always been about trying my best.  No matter what.  To help in some small way to simply try and save lives.

Of course I'm tortured.  Of course the emotional pain gets so bad that I really wish I were dead.  I'm tired.  Why wouldn't I want to not have to continue going through the pain emotionally and psychologically and physically?  So I get tired and I begged God to let me go home.  But God doesn't pay attention when I talk like that.  His answer always is for me to simply press on.  And because I guess I'm so stubborn.  I do exactly that.

I suppose the good news in my life is that I'm finally going to have a bank account again.  That will mean I won't have to send out any more physical letters to pay the bills.  And I won't have to get any more money orders so that will save me some money and I have to do that with every dime I get because I don't get much money every month.  So I have to make what I get last as long as I can.  I have to use it to do as much as I can.  And I keep certain services.  Because when Aileen was dying.  They never deserted me.  They never turn their back on me.  And so I'm not going to turn my back on them.  No way.  If they could stand by me and try to help me to save my darling wife's life.  There is no way in the world I'm ever going to turn my back on any of those services because when she was dying.  Those services were some of the only things that really gave her any joy at all.

That's why I say when people tell me that they think I'm a good person.  I immediately tell them that's not true.  Because of I were a good person, my life would not have been so much of a train wreck.  I know I have always tried to be a good person.  But the pain I have inside of me definitely causes conflict along with all the other conflicts I have going on.  So I just try to do the best I can and more times than not I end up bumping into trees.  Which is okay.  I'm very good at bumping into trees.

I know there are people who are reading my Journal who have nothing but hatred for me.  And yet I'm hoping there are others, however few they may be who actually might like me.  But even if that's not true.  Even if I have no one left in the world who actually likes me, it's not going to matter much because these are the very last years.  I will be in this world.  However, many years.  There are and when I finally reach a point.  God will Me on the shoulder and then I will go home phone to my darling Aileen.  My mother my sister and home to God.

This is just a very emotional time for me right now.  And there are so many reasons for that.  And I don't want to overburden anyone.  So I talk about it in stages.  In any event, I'm sort of tired again.  So I need to rest.  And then I'll come back.  I always come back.  No matter what.  At least until God taps me on the shoulder that one last time.  But that's not going to happen anytime soon.  But one day one day that will happen and then I'll simply go home.

Thank you very much for listening.