Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Life Moves on

Most of the people who knew me when I was running one company or another or trying to make my way as a contract analyst.  I don't see anymore.  And don't really know where they are.  But there are people who knows that in my life.  I actually ended up at one point having to liquidate every single thing I as far as monetary resources in order to liquidate a certain amount of debt I had accumulated.  And they also know that I did actually owned four different companies which for various reasons, did not succeed.  And they also know something else.  But I'm not a quitter.  That's the one thing among a few others that people actually do know about me that I don't give up.

So when faced with this slide, bureaucratic series of missteps regarding the finalization of the mortgage people know me understand that what I normally do when confronted with adversity is that I just simply plant my feet as firmly as possible and then I move forward.  It's the way I've had to always lived my life.  It's the way most people have to.  Most people in this world.  People who keep going do so facing various different degrees of adversity.  Because when you are confronted with adversity.  You either give up or you keep going.  I'm one of those that keeps going no matter what.  I didn't give up, when Aileen was dying, I didn't say I couldn't do it.  I did what was necessary in order to get done what needed to be done, which was to give her as much time as possible.

And I promised her I would take care of this home and that is exactly what I intend on doing one way or the other.  I don't say this often and perhaps I don't say it often enough, but regardless of whether or not anyone might say that I have paid into Social Security so I'm getting back what I have paid in I have never looked at it that way.  I look at my Social Security disability as a gesture of kindness by the people of this country and the government of the United States.  A gesture of kindness whereby as a result of the years I worked the people in this country and the United States are securing funds that are paid to me every month.  And as far as I'm concerned that means that it is my responsibility to be a responsible American responsible citizen not to waste that money not to squander that money and not to waste my time.  So every day I try to be as productive as I possibly can in one way or the other just be productive to contribute to contribute to this great nation and to try to be a good neighbor had to try to be a good human being and I figure that if I do that.  That I'm basically earning my keep.  To say that I'm grateful for what this government and the people of this country have done for me in my life doesn't even come close to the level of gratitude I feel.  If I think too hard.  Tears will come to my eyes.  Because I'm that grateful I really do appreciate my citizenship.  And I love this country and everyone in it just like I love everyone in this world.

I have never been motivated by how other people might see me.  I've always been motivated in my heart.  But what makes sense.  If it makes sense and it doesn't harm anyone.  And it actually is helpful in some way that I tried to embrace that particular activity.  So for example I don't drink.  I don't take drugs.  I don't take pain medication.  I don't squander the money that I'm given by the good people of this country and the government.  I used that money to buy food and to secure this home and to keep my promises to my darling Aileen.  God is the judge as to how long any of us lives.  So God will be the judge as to how long I shall live.  And for the rest of my life, however long that is going to be I'm going to live in this home and protect this home and I'm going to make improvements to this home because I never believed in going anywhere and leaving it simply the same as when you came I've always believed that whenever I go someplace.  And I leave that place.  I always want to leave it in a better condition than when I arrived.

Of course it's a bit depressing to suddenly learned that there was a kind of red tape error that means that the mortgage is not going to be paid this month.  But so what?  There are millions of people in this country who are having problems paying their rent.  There are millions of others who have no place to live that all.  And then there are millions of others who would like to own a home and are having a hard time doing so.  There is never been a single morning.  In my life since I got out of the hospital in 1969 when I have not been absolutely and totally grateful just to wake up.

That one line I talk about as far as how good I want to be has always been my basic rule.  I never want to be better than the worst man at his best moment.  And I never want to be worse than the best man at his worst moment.  Because I feel that if I do that then at least I will know in my heart that I did my best one way or the other.  And that's all I want.  I'm not going to deny that I would probably give all the years I have left to live.  Every single second if I could just told my darling Aileen and my arms for even but 1 min.  I would gladly give up my life just to hold her in my arms.  But that's not going to happen.  Just like I had to make very tough choices about separating from Aileen's brother and sister.  Because the reality is, as I've always said, statistically speaking, 75% of people my age who lose their spouse die within seven years.  And I am determined not to be part of those statistics.  That's why Aileen loved me because she knew I would never give up, not on her not on us and not on anything we did together.

That determination.  I think came from that year in the hospital that year when by the third month.  I didn't even know if I would ever walk again.  So when I got out I was determined to not just walk but to do everything I could to go beyond which is what I did.  No pain is too great.  No limitation to severe if it needs to get done one way or the other.  I will somehow or other always get it done.  Not because I expect anything or want anything but because it simply makes sense in my heart and soul to do so.  God knows my heart.  And God knows my soul God sees what I write.  God knows I am human and that I have my good days and bad days.  Just like anyone but I've been a pacifist.  All my life and tried to follow the intent of God.  Not what we believe the intent meaning God created all of us and all life out of love.  So if I aspire to anything.  That's one of the things I really do aspired to the most to exemplify and to live my life with that same kind of love one way or the other.

I fall down more times than I could ever count I am an expert at bumping into trees and falling down but I always get up, no matter what.  I always seem to get up and then I check myself off and shrugged and I smile of God.  Because through it all, whether it is he or she or it.  God has always been there by my side.  I might not have been able to count on others to get something done.  But if I was ever in doubt.  All I had to do was ask God and God wasn't able to provide for me.  Then he showed me how to provide for myself.

This is an emotional time of year for me because all those emotions from the second year after losing my darling Aileen are falling into sequence and I'm realizing to the fullest extent that I am alone in this world was only God and my darling Aileen and my four cats and that's okay.  Because there are millions and millions of amazing children and wonderful men and women in every country here on Earth.  So many suffering in so many different ways.  Many suffering totally alone not knowing that anyone might even be aware of them.  So every time I write about things like I'm writing about.  Now I try to mention them.  So that even though they may not know that I am thinking of them.  God will know that I am.  And that's enough for me.

I will get through this emotional time.  I always have one way or the other.  I bounce back.  I'm resilient you can knock me down.  But I will always get up no matter what.  And other things are in fact moving forward I'm getting the medical records transferred I've made arrangements for the new Dr. at the new hospital I'm going to be looking for various types of transportation I believe there even some free services.  In Cleveland.  It might be assistive in getting me to the appointments so I'm going to look into those options.  But regardless what it takes I will get to that doctors appointment I will learn and grow and become better able to handle my own emotions.  So that I'm not victimized by them so much.  I will do a better job of being a good neighbor, where I live.  I will do a better job.  But trying to be a good American and a good world citizen and I will go to God as honestly as I possibly can.  My life at my age is no longer about making loud noises or becoming famous.  Not that it ever was my intention.  Because it never once I didn't care about being famous.  I grew up in a family that was rather socially noticeable and after being under that kind of magnifying glass.  I didn't want to be part of that life.  The people who I actually learned from in this country were people all over this country of every nationality, of every walk of life.  I learned amazing things from really great and wonderful Christians and Catholics and Muslims and Jews.  I learned unbelievably amazing good things from Native Americans.  I've learned things from people who were homeless people who were dying people who were children in their early years because my attitude is when I'm confronted with something if I don't learned something from that circumstance, then why should I even go to the circumstance to begin with.

Whenever I would offer help to someone either as a first aid person or just as a friend in the back of my mind.  I was always keeping my mind open to what I was learning or what I could learn from that encounter because to me learning is growing and growing is moving forward.  If I stop moving forward.  I stop learning if I stop learning.  I stop moving forward if I stop learning or moving forward I stopped growing.  And if I stop those things in my heart and mind.  I'm no longer alive.

I'm quite transparent.  But then I always have been.  So I'm very grateful for the circumstances of today because it reminds me how every single day.  I have to be determined to do the very best I can at being me.

But with the cold weather and some of the activity have done outside the house and all the work I've done on the phone today I am sort of tired.  But I don't want anyone to think that I'm cavalier because that's not true.  I'm grateful for everything I have.  I'm grateful for the years I've lived.  And I know I just don't say that enough.  But it's like I told my darling Aileen.  When she would ask me if I love her.  And actually I would say I do.  But I would also say if you want to see my love for you watch me my darling watch what I do.  There be my love.

I will probably be back on my horse tomorrow and moving forward today I'm just going to try and rest.  Some days I have good energy, other days may be not so good.  But so what.  I still keep going forward.  It doesn't matter whether anyone fast or slow, it only matters that I keep going.

Thank you very much for listening.