Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Return

I know I said I was going to be putting up a picture of the temperature of what is going on inside the house versus outside the house with my indoor outdoor thermometer and I will be continuing to do so.  Probably later today and continuing on from then on.  It's important that I tried to explain the dynamics of what is going on and what has happened over the past several weeks.

So I have already explained that Aileen actually knew that she had liver problems and potentially liver disease in 1991 as a result of communications that she had with her brother Claude.  And as a result.  That means that the liver cancer was already manifesting inside of her as a result of hepatitis C sometime around 1991.  Which of course means categorically that in 2006 September of 2006 specifically that Aileen actually had liver cancer in her when she went to MetroHealth medical Center in Cleveland and that MetroHealth medical Center as a result of medical negligence did not notice the obvious signs of liver cancer or liver disease or liver dysfunction and instead issued the misdiagnosis of prediabetes or borderline diabetes.  And of course, that was wrong.  Because if they would have made the accurate diagnosis then Aileen's liver cancer would've been more treatable in 2006 in which case she would still be alive.

So I had to deal with that extremely difficult set of circumstances.  I had to deal with the fact that as a result of expediency and perhaps a cavalier attitude that the medical community basically turned their back on my darling Aileen and issued a misdiagnosis of her condition.  And as a result of the misdiagnosis they allowed her to die.  When in fact she could have survived.

As I said before, I had an indication that this was in fact true.  During her first cancer visit with Dr. O'Brien, who was and is the director of the cancer center at MetroHealth medical Center when Dr. O'Brien said very clearly that the actions taken by MetroHealth medical Center in September 2006 were a mistake.  But he also said that he did not believe that had MetroHealth medical Center taking the appropriate action in 2006 that it would've made any difference.  That was his opinion.  That had MetroHealth medical Center given the correct diagnosis Aileen still would be in the situation where she was right at that moment in 2010.  And yet I knew that wasn't correct.  But because Aileen was at the point where she was basically dying I could not address that particular fact because my job was to make sure that she remained as positive as possible in order to give her as much time as possible.

But we talked about that.  While she was dying and one of the many promises which I have on a very private list which I keep in a very special place in my home.  One of the promises was that I would in fact investigate that particular incident to its conclusion.  And when I did of course the awareness of what actually happened basically knocked me off my feet.  So for the last several weeks I have been struggling with various aspects of my own dysfunction while I tried to grapple with the fact that as a result of expediency my wife died.  Where if that expediency had not been part of her care in 2006 she would still be alive.

The knee-jerk reaction in our world is that when someone finds out about that they immediately reach for a lawyer and all sorts of litigation takes place.  But that's not how I thought.  And that's not how I reacted because I grew up in a family of doctors and lawyers and the Maschke family was extremely connected to the medical community in Cleveland.  So I grew up with the awareness that whenever you bring any kind of litigation against the medical community whenever you sue the medical community.  Nobody wins.  Everyone loses.  No matter what takes place.  Everyone loses.  The doctors lose the victim loses the family loses everyone loses.  Because nothing is gained by bringing litigation against the medical community.  Because nothing changes the circumstances of why the lawsuit was brought forth.  Bringing the lawsuit does not bring back the loved one bringing the lawsuit does not sure any of the physical problems they may have had unless those physical problems are in fact superfluous enough whereby additional funds might actually correct some of the problems but in the case of wrongful death no amount of money in the lawsuit will ever fix anything all that happens is that damages done to the entire system.  And there is no closure for any of the survivors.

So I had to deal with that emotion as well.  And all those rather dark emotions basically push me into tremendous dysfunction while I attempted using meditation to clarify the line of delineation that I would continue on.  And then I remembered Krishnamurthy.

In the book that Krishnamurthy wrote entitled, at the feet of the master.  Regardless of whatever the words in the story might describe the actual circumstance was the Krishnamurthy was learning and in communication with Siddhartha who after he had meditated for a solid year in the woods when he walked out of the woods, he was glowing.  And so consequently, he was given the name Gautama, or the holy one.  And of course as a result of what happened Siddhartha who was then being named as Gautama then became Buddha.

Of course the reality is that anyone who understands the kind of meditation that Siddhartha was doing knows full well that if you go out into the woods and meditate nonstop for a solid year.  One of the the reactions from doing that is that you will literally and physically glow.  And that's exactly what happened.  When Siddhartha came out of the woods.  He was glowing.

In point of fact, back in 1976 when I was doing experiments in meditation I did get to a point ones where I actually levitated about three or 4 inches off of the ground or floor underneath me.  When that happened of course.  It scared the hell out of me.  So I immediately stopped going any further.  Because I realized that if I didn't go any further I would become more distant from the aspect of my own humanity that I would need in order to continue living in the world effectively.  In any way.  So I then began to go forward, but only in stages.

Fast forwarding to the present.  It's hard for people to understand the energy that is beyond this world.  Because most people believe that the energy beyond this world while having some type of intelligence that we do not understand does not in any way communicate with this world.  But that's not true.  Because it does.  It's just that the communication is not done in any kind of a manner that can be represented by the linguistic coefficients that we use in the various languages that we speak.  Because the information that is passed between the energy beyond this world.  And this world is done conceptually so consequently any kind of knowledge that is exchanged is exchanged conceptually when out being associated with any of the linguistic coefficients that we use in our language.  Which means the educated of exchange that takes place is devoid of linguistic symbols that we use in language because it's just straight knowledge.

In any event, over the last several weeks I have been struggling with the realization of what actually happened to my wife and with the realization of what has actually been taking place in Cleveland regarding my marriage to Aileen and our life together.  Mostly what I discovered was exactly what I already knew.  That Aileen was actually the one that everyone loved and I was nothing more than, the also ran.  But in any event, the world did not know and does not know even now the extent of the spiritual work that Aileen and I did together.  So the world has no clue as to the level of energetic exchange that takes place on the property we have whatever energy that there is beyond this world but in fact that energetic exchange is taking place and does take place.

So consequently I have finally wrapped my mind around the fact that my darling wife was not treated with the same degree of respect and care that others were treated with and that this again was done as a result of how a certain number of people have always hated me either.  Because I came from a mixed religious family or because my adoptive mother was Catholic or my adoptive father was Jewish or because I am a Jew or because I'm a Sephardic Jew or because my mother gave birth to me out of wedlock or because I'm a transgendered female.  There were always reasons that people found really easy to grab onto in order to justify their dislike or their disdain or their hatred of me.  So I had to separate myself from that ugly form of emotions or those emotions that were being directed at me from the actuality of what happened to my darling Aileen so that I could focus on exactly what Aileen and I did together.  The spiritual work the energetic foundation that we created here on this property and the promises we made to each other while she was dying.

And in reality I got through it.  I got through the darkness.  I got through one of the darkest moments in my life since Aileen died.  And one of the ways I did so was by being aware that no matter how badly Aileen and I may have been treated in this world is nothing compared to what millions and millions of wonderful and amazing children and men and women are treated to throughout the world every single day.  Every single minute.  It's one of the reasons I keep talking about how I am amazed that in the United States with 6 million women being destroyed or murdered or raped or beaten every single year in a nation that claims to be pro-life and in a nation that is 78% Christian I am absolutely amazed that nobody at the local or at the state or the federal level is having any discussion whatsoever about the war on women.  That is taking place in the United States or around the world.  I am amazed about that.

And by remembering those other wonderful and amazing souls those children.  Those men and women suffering every single minute.  Every single day.  I was able to gain the perspective.  I needed to remember what is really important.  And that is the spiritual work that Aileen and I did together.  Because our time together was and simply as husband and wife or wife and wife or spouse and spouse or friend and friend, our time together was involved with a tremendous amount of spiritual research and metaphysical research and metaphysical work that we did without anyone ever knowing and the only reason for my sharing this knowledge now is because that is part of what we agreed on.  That in my writing.  I would share what we had done in order to give other people the opportunity to experience some of that in their own lives.  And by so doing possibly in whatever modest way might be possible to offer assistance to this extremely suffering world.  Because that is the nature of our modern world.

Humanity is suffering terribly humanity is literally tearing itself apart with all of the rage and all of the prejudice and racism that humanity is buying into extremism, specifically, right-wing extremism regardless what country it is taking place in is destroying the fabric of humanity.  So humans have a choice and that is to continue embracing the right-wing extremism like in the United States the right-wing extremism is being pushed forward by the right wing Christian extremists who have so much hatred for religion and so much hatred for God and so much hatred for humankind that they even hate Jesus Christ the very God they worship.  Because they are so extreme in their religious beliefs that they will kill any form of life.  They will murder every form of life in the entire world just to get their way.  They will even kill God if they have to because that's the type of ugliness that right-wing extremism supports.  But that's just here in this country.  But that right-wing extremism exists in every nation in this world.  And it is destroying the fabric of humanity.  It is destroying humanity's chances to move forward it is destroying humanity's chances to love itself and to love each other and to try and heal humanity and to heal this world.  Because, right-wing extremism does not want the world heal, right-wing extremism doesn't care about human life, right-wing extremism cares about nothing except getting its own way and that makes my work here in this house.  And on this property even more important so that none of that right wing extremism that ugliness that distortion of energy will ever come anywhere near this property because it can't because the work that Aileen and I did had nothing to do with the earthly definitions of religion or the expression that humans display of their own spirituality.  Our work had to do with the energetic exchange with the energy that is beyond this world.  The energy that humans are in fact part of.

So finally by remembering all of that I have gotten to that place where I have a very clear understanding of the delineation that my life will take from here on.  Because my life will not be part of all of the madness that is taking place in this world.  It can't be.  Because it never was.  When I got out of the hospital in 1969.  The world was in a very troubled and turbulent place the Vietnam war was in full force demonstrations and protests were going on all over the United States lots of my friends were either being beaten up and basically killed or they were being thrown into prisons.  But because of all the things that happened to me during that year when I was in the hospital having my spine rebuild I wanted no part in that kind of ugliness that humans were supporting or engaging in.

So I went in a different direction.  And as a result, everything that had taken place or has taken place in my life came into being as a result of the choices I made in 1969.  And I knew everything that would happen.  Which of course can be substantiated by people who knew me at the time.

So, I have confronted this very difficult choice.  This one last dark aspect of what happened to my darling Aileen.  And it has finally been put in its place.  Which means I can now move forward to the next promise.  And that's exactly what I will do.  Because the promises that Aileen and I agreed upon were not promises simply to support or to show my love for my darling Aileen.  And for the marriage we had.  They were promises that when I would keep those promises.  I would be moving in that direction ever homeward back to her and back to God.

So I got through.  Once again by the skin of my teeth.  I got through.  I feel like I've been standing at the gates of hell for the last three weeks.  But that's how my life has always been.  And as I said, now I will go on to the next promise.  The other thing that's important to remember is that as a result of my dying in 1968 for those 5 min. part of the agreement I made or that was made between me and whatever energy.  There is beyond this world was one of nonintervention that's the reality.  I'm not allowed to intervene I'm not allowed to alter the personal choices of humankind.  I'm only allowed to elucidate I'm only allowed to illustrate I'm only allowed to offer suggestions.  Because the ultimate choice has to be humanity's.  If humanity doesn't really care about its own survival than humanity will do nothing about the level of violence and the level of extremism and the level of conflict that is going on.

If on the other hand humanity does care about its own survival than humanity will deal with the right-wing extremism and the ugliness and the violence and all of the negative things.  Humanity is done since humanity first stepped on the ground as a human condition.  But that choice has to be humanity's if a child is standing with their finger in a Dyke in order to prevent a flood from taking place.  And people are walking by that child laughing at that child calling that child's stupid who he is in fact the one who is stupid?  Is the child's stupid for putting their finger in the Dyke to prevent a flood or is the group of people walking by that child laughing at that child climate child's stupid are they the ones who are stupid?

The obvious knee-jerk reaction is to say that the people walking by that child calling the child's stupid are actually the stupid people or the stupid ones.  And in fact that probably is true.  But I can't answer that question.  All I can do is pose the question.  It's up to humanity to answer that question.  Not me.  Because I am not allowed to alter choice.  I'm only allowed to elucidate or to eliminate and to guide.  That's all I'm allowed to do.  That is the agreement or part of the agreement and that was what Aileen and I worked on.

So I have finally gotten by this very dark issue in my life.  And as a result.  As a result of the actions by everyone involved they will feel the energetic reaction.  As a result of their own choices.  Not by me but by simply the law of return.  They made those choices to be lackadaisical and cavalier with regard to my wife's condition.  And they will have the reactions of their choice.  Because that is the law of return.  No action need be taken by me on any score regarding the entire circumstance.  Because it is already taking place all I had to do was recognize it.

So I have.  Now as I said, everything can once again move forward.  For anyone to think I am special would be a very bad mistake.  Because I am not special.  Not by any means.  Not by any stretch of any imagination.  I am not special.  I am different.  But I am not special.  I never have been.  Millions of people throughout history have been exactly where I was where they died and came back all on their own.  So I am not special.

So it's onwards and upwards.  Sometimes fast sometimes slow.  But, ever onward.

Most of the people of this country don't even know who Krishnamurthy is or who he was.  Thank God.  That's not true around the world.  Because there are a lot of people who know exactly who Krishnamurthy was just like there are a lot of people who know the full story of cigars where most people in this country don't really know who he was or what his significance was to the human condition.  But that's neither here nor there.  Because he wasn't the only one that was doing what he was doing.  There have been individuals like Siddhartha all through the human history.

It's not about anyone in particular individual in the history of humankind.  It's about energy.

And as I said, this is just my Journal.  That's all it is is is that place where I record what is going on in my life.  The discoveries I make the elimination it comes to me as I make my way.  On this journey that I am traveling in these last years that I will be in this world.  That's all this Journal really is and that it is based upon those three purposes I have always maintained.  To do the Journal that my darling Aileen wanted to do with me, but never got the chance to do so.  To be a voice in this world however small or insignificant on the side of the greater good.  And to make clean a testimonial of my soul before God.  As I approached God.  In these last years that I will be in this world.

But that's all this Journal is simply a Journal.  No agenda, no political plan just a Journal where I write down my thoughts and my experiences where I argue with myself where I argue with humanity in my own mind.  Where I argue with God.  Where I talked to my darling Aileen.  Where I ask some of the hardest questions I can possibly come up with in order to expand my own knowledge and to be assistive in expanding the realm of knowledge of anyone who reads my Journal.  That's all it is just a Journal.

So think of me any way you want think of me any way that is convenient.  It doesn't matter.  Because no form of life here on Earth will judge me when I go before God.  Because no form of life in the world is God.  At least no form of life is the sum total of God.  Every single thing we experience with all of our five senses and everything we experience with those extra sense is that we all have our evidences of that energy beyond this world that we call by so many names as God.  So that every single thing you see is an evidence of God or that energy.  But nothing is the sum total of that energy.  Nothing is the sum total of God.  Although there have been personalities in human history who did in fact in their own lives represent more of the energetic process of what we call God in their own lives.  Jesus was one person.  Buddha was another.  Mohammed Moses Joshua, Elijah and of course Joan of arc.  John the Baptist, Sir Thomas Moore..  And a host of others.  But no form of life in the world is the sum total of all the energy it is only evidence of which of course includes many I am nothing I always have been nothing.  And I always will be nothing.  I am the least of all that God ever made in this world and the only reason I was even allowed to come back to life in 1968 was to be a kind of test to test whether humans actually had the ability to love each other because if humans could love me then they did have the ability to love each other which is remarkable.  Because most people have nothing but contempt and disdain for me.  And what's even more remarkable is that when you look at that fact.  You see how much disdain and disregard people have for their own lives.  And for each other.  And if you think that's coincidental.  That probably is a mistake.

So it's onwards and upwards.  One step at a time.  That's how you get from point a to point B.  One step at a time.  The achievement of the goal is never more important than the attempt.  Because if you focus on the goal of not focus on the attempt you and never reaching the goal because without the attempt the goal was never attained.  So it's one step at a time.

Thank you very much for listening.