Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Taking off the Blinders

It's amazing how different events in fact manifest.  Information has always interested me.  How it is in fact discovered how it is transmitted how it is received and analyzed.  How we in fact process various stimuli that we experienced during any given day.  Information has always fascinated me.  Just like this morning where I have been working through this extremely difficult process.  Difficult.  Not as compared to what other people are going through.  But difficult as compared to what I have experienced in my own life.  The process of having to come to the realization that my wife was basically murdered as a result of neglect and medical negligence has been one of the hardest discoveries or realizations I have ever had to make.  But I have gotten through it.  And I now understand things incredibly much more clearly.

In point of fact, I should never have come back to Cleveland in 1984.  It was the worst thing I could have done.  I should have stayed out in Colorado, I should never have come back.  But my parents and my daughter needed me.  So I came back.  Even though it was the worst decision I ever made in my life.  The only good that ever came out of my returning to Cleveland.  The only good at all that ever came from my returning to this extremely racist city was that I was put in the position were every bit of my talents every single thing I had ever learned in my life was able to be used in order to save the life of my darling Aileen.  Because she is the only good thing that ever happened as a result of my returning to Cleveland.

The people of Cleveland were extremely happy when I left Cleveland in 1966.  And the people of Cleveland were extremely kind and caring and courteous to me and they were actually heroic in 1968 two years after I left Cleveland for God.  Because in 1968 when the chips were down and they were operating on me at University hospitals I actually ended up using so much blood as a result of the operation that I was going to die.  And it was the heroic people of Cleveland Ohio, who came to my rescue.  That is a fact.  Because in 1968.  As a result of my basically bleeding to death on the operating table.  It was the people of Cleveland came forward and offered blood to save my life.  And the people of Cleveland may think that I have never been grateful for that.  But if they think that they are wrong because I have always been grateful for that.

So there are no illusions.  I was born a bastard.  That is exactly the legal definition of my birth.  I was born out of wedlock.  So, as I've always said I was a Jewish bastard.  And I know full well that the family connected with my daughter on her mother's side has always had a number of influential people who are friends in Cleveland and the mother's side of my daughter's family did everything they could to generate as much hatred for me.  And they succeeded.  Just like I know for a fact that the good people at the Department of aging did not lend assistance to my wife and I on my account.  As much as they did.  So on the account of how much they cared for my wife.  Because everyone loved Aileen.  I was the one they had problems even liking much less tolerating.

Just like it needs to be mentioned that during the 18 years.  I was happily married to my darling Aileen.  The city of Cleveland showed how much hatred.  It had for me because in those 18 years.  My darling wife Aileen was fired from 12 different jobs and each time she was fired.  It was because of the fact that user I was Jewish or I was transgendered.  That's so Cleveland showed its true colors.  Cleveland had the chance to celebrate the marriage Aileen and I had but instead Cleveland chose to demonstrate as much hatred as it possibly could for the fact that Aileen and I fell in love.  So the city of Cleveland tried in every possible way to destroy that marriage and to destroy me.  And they think that nobody noticed they think that nobody really ever saw what was going on.  But Aileen and I knew exactly what was going on.  We knew that the city of Cleveland hated me because we had a lot of discussions about my leaving the marriage as a result of that.  And Aileen didn't want that to happen because she loves me even though most of the people of Cleveland hate my guts and they hate me so bad they would love to see me dead.

.  And I have done everything I have possibly been able to do with regard to maintaining this home.  And within one week.  I will have made the last payment on the mortgage of this house.  Which means I now or I then will own this house.  So the only way that the city will push me out of Cleveland is if I don't pay my bills or if I break any kind of law.  But I never do.  I never break any laws.  I never do anything illegal.  I never step out of line.  And as a result of everything I have learned over the last several weeks.  I will never ask for any help from the city of Cleveland ever again.  Because I really do understand the kind of hatred.  Cleveland has for me.  It's a kind of hatred.  Cleveland has always had for me.  It's a kind of hatred I'm really quite used to dealing with.

.  There is no deception.  And nobody is kidding anyone.  Least of all me.  And so all the spiritual energy.  I have been centralizing in this home will only magnify.  Because I will generate so much spiritual energy on this property that it will be virtually impervious to any kind of negative energy going on in the world.  And I will do so.  Because I am that good at manifesting and manipulating spiritual energy.  And I am that.  Because I did die in 1968.  The matter what anyone might say or think or do that is a fact and it is a fact.  Not before me in humanity.  It is in fact before me and God.

Not a problem.  It's just like with my Journal.  Nobody ever communicates with me.  So I never really know how many people are reading my Journal because I'm good entertainment or because they don't like me or because they think I'm stupid.  As compared to how many people read my Journal because they actually admire me.  Although I do know there are those who do in fact admire me.  I know that.  But nobody communicates with me.  And part of that of course is because I don't communicate with anyone but then it's not really safe for me to communicate with anyone.  Because being a Jew in a nation that is 78% Christian means that you are a very small minority.  And when you are part of that small of a minority the last thing you should ever do is be too visible.  So I'm not.  Because the less visible.  I am the less opportunity that anyone has to act out on their hatred for me.  So no one is going to see me or hear from me hardly at all.  For the rest of my life.  Because I actually can live this way.  I've had to do so.  All my life.  I had to live this way at southern Arizona school I had to live this way at Fort Lewis college I had to live this way at Case Western Reserve University I had to live this way.  When I was living out in Lake County.  I had to live this way.  When I was living at shaker square in Cleveland.  And I had to live this way.  When I was married to my darling Aileen.  I had to always find.  I always had to do whatever I could to be as invisible as possible.

As one of the reasons nobody can text me.  There is a real liability that anyone might realize.  As a result of their contacting me or associating with me.  But it's not really a good thing to associate with someone who is mentally ill.  Just like it's not a good thing to associate with anyone who is a transgendered female.  Just like it's especially not a good thing to associate with anyone who is a Jew.  Because the United States is 78% Christian.  Which means Jews basically are second-class citizens in the United States.  That's how the Christians wanted it.

So since I understand this.  So.  Extremely clearly.  I have no illusions about how the balance of my life will turn out.  I will die alone.  It is how I came into this world.  And it is how I will go out.  I will never ask for any assistance from the medical community, under any circumstances.  I will die before ever asked for help from the medical community ever again.  Just like I will die before I ever asked for anyone from the city to help me on this home ever again.  Because I really do understand more clearly than I ever have how much hatred there is for me in this world.  It's just sort of surprising that this world.  And my mother would actually end up being an agreement and I'm talking about my adoptive mother, because my adoptive mother accused me of being a failed abortion and I never really thought that the city of Cleveland or most of the people in this country would ever agree.  But they have.  Because I have proof.  That's how this country.  Regards me.  I have proof.  That's how the city of Cleveland.  Regards me.  And that's all I need because whether that proof is presented while I am alive for after I am.  And it makes no difference.  The proof will come forward and the truth will be out and no one will be able to lie anymore because they will be seen for their ugliness and their hatred of me and the matter how many lies they tell everyone will see exactly how ugly they treated me.  Whether it was because I am a Jew or transgendered or mentally ill or disabled doesn't matter.  They won't be able to hide when the truth comes out.

This is my Journal.  That's all it is.  It's just a Journal.  I don't write based on whatever readership I'm hoping to have because that's not why I do this Journal.  I'm not doing this Journal to gain readership.  I'm not doing this Journal to gain notoriety.  I'm not doing this Journal to satisfy some writing contract that I have with anyone.  Because there's only three reasons why I'm doing this Journal in the first place.  There's only three reasons why I will continue to write and those three reasons are based on a promise I made to a very courageous and brave lady who was my wife who love to me more than anyone else has ever loved me in this world and I promised her I would continue writing and on the basis of that promise I have done so.  But my motivations for writing have nothing to do with how other people keep journals or blogs online.  My purposes and my reasons for doing this Journal have always been remarkably clear.

For one, I do this Journal because I promised my darling Aileen.  I would do so.  And this Journal is actually the Journal.  She wanted to do with me, but never got the chance to do so.  And so I write in order to give her the opportunity from the other side to share in this Journal to share in the one thing she wanted to do but never got the chance to.

The second reason I do this Journal is to be a voice.  However insignificant or small.  However, disregarded or laughed at and ridiculed I do this Journal to be a voice just one out of the billions of voices in this world.  On the side of the greater good.  Meaning human rights.

And the last reason I do this Journal is to make peace between me and God to bear my soul before God as I move through the last section of time in my life.

And those are the only reasons I even write in this Journal.  And had I not made that promise to my darling Aileen.  I would not be writing in this journal even now.  But of all the promises I have ever made in my life the promises I made to God in the promises I made to Aileen are the promises I will never break.  No matter what.  Because I'm not going in front of any Cleveland or when I die.  Just like I will be going in front of any Christian when I die.  The Christians have always hated me because my adoptive mother was Catholic and my adoptive father was Jewish.  And it's true.  If you look at my left leg today.  My left leg still shows signs of being partially crippled which is as a result of being attacked by the Catholics and the Jews in Cleveland Heights in 1962.  A group of Catholic and Jewish children who wear my schoolmates at Fairfax school in Cleveland Heights, Ohio chased me up Fairfax Road with clubs and they were threatening to murder me.  My bicycle hit the curb right near school and my left side of my face slid on the pavement 12 feet.  And as a result of my face lighting on the pavement my entire side of my face the left side of my face had to be rebuilt.  Which is why when I talk I talk out of the right side of my mouth.  Because the left side of my face was rebuilt.

But the one thing that was not noticed was that when I hit the curb and my face hit the pavement my left knee actually struck the curb breaking bone and cartilage in my left knee.  And because my parents were in the social register of Cleveland.  It was important that their children did not have any visible scars.  So my parents went ahead and paid the $50,000 to have the left side of my face rebuilt so that I would be presentable to the outside world.  But in 1965 when my parents found that my left leg had become partially crippled as a result of that attack.  And when they found that it was going to cost over $150,000 to repair the damage to my left leg the attitude my parents had was that I was not worth the effort.  They decided it was too much money to fix my left leg and that I just wasn't worth the money.  That's when they began calling me a bad investment.

So all my life I have lived with a limp in my left leg a limp I have had to try and hide to the best of my ability.  All because of the hatred that the Catholics and Christians.  And my fellow Jews have had for me because I came from a mixed marriage.  That's the reality of my life.  I have been hated all my life on the basis of something I was never responsible for.  Because that's how small minded and evil and ugly people really are.  The Jews and the Catholics and Christians of Cleveland hated me because my mother was Catholic and my father was Jewish and whenever the people of Cleveland had an opportunity to act out their hatred on me I did so without any reservation or hesitation.

And when I married my darling Aileen.  The city of Cleveland and all the different people that employed my darling Aileen did everything they could to fire her and to destroy our lives together.  Because of their hatred of me coming from a mixed marriage.  And then of course there are the people who were connected with pioneer linen supply company.  They all thought I was just like my father and that's where they made their mistake.  Because I was nothing like my father.  But they treated me as if I were like my father.  So there was even more hatred coming at me as a result of people misinterpreted me when they were working at pioneer linen supply by thinking that I was like my father when in fact I never was.  My father was a racist.  I never was.  I am aware of every single thing I ever did in my life.  Things that I have paid dearly for within my own soul.  Things that I will never share publicly under any circumstances when things that actually did force me with in my own soul to put on sackcloth and ashes before God and to repent.  Which I have done.

But nothing I ever did in my life was by outward intention.  There was no intention to be mean or cruel in any way on my part.  Because that's not what I am.  That was my father that was my mother.  That was my sister.  But it wasn't me.  And the only one who really understood that in my recent history was my darling Aileen and the only other one who understood that was my black made Georgia Myers and my grandmother the life of this really amazing Republican politician my grandfather.  And my aunt Helen.  But those three women were the only ones in my entire life.  Whoever actually solve value in my life.  My mother never did.  My sister never did.  And my father never did.  To all of them.  I was nothing but a mistake.

So I have no illusions.  And there's nothing I want.  That's something that everyone in the neighborhood where I live will be more than happy to tell anyone who asks.  Then I'm one of the few people in the neighborhood who never asks for a single thing.  I never asked anyone for anything.  Ever.  If I cannot get what I need on my own.  I never asked anyone for anything.  And there are two of my neighbors where I did ask things of.  And I have already made arrangements in my will for any old money.  Meaning any money.  I hope to anyone that the money will be paid back before anything else is paid out of whatever money I have coming to me.  So that no one will ever say that I never paid back my debts.

But that's the way my house is regarded these days.  Nobody comes to my home to visit me.  Nobody comes to my home to check in on me.  Nobody comes to my home to lend any kind of assistance.  Because I am a Jew and more than that I am a half breed Jew.  And that's something that the Catholics and the Christians and the Jews will never tolerate.  Because they hate each other so badly that they will never tolerate anyone coming from a mixed marriage because every time someone is coming from a mixed marriage their legacy will follow them all their life.  They will be hated by both of the different religions.  The matter what they do.  The matter how they live their lives.  They will be hated because that's what humans do best.  Humans hate.  Because humans love and hatred.  Because that's one of the things that humans used in order to be able to inflate their own egos to feel as if they are important within themselves.  So humans use the concept of hatred in order to bolster up their own egos than to inflate their self-importance.  So that they really feel that they have more value to the world than the next person.  Because it's all a competition.  Someone always has to be better than the other person as if by being better that actually means anything.  When in reality compared to the amount of life but there is in the universe.  It means nothing.

All the accolades and all the awards that we humans concentrate on where we make one person better than another.  Because of one talent or another.  And all of the wonderful works of art and all of the amazing pieces of film and all of the unbelievably and fantastic acts of kindness that we humans have in fact done for each other and that we are capable of in reality means nothing compared to the other forms of life in the universe.  Because compared to the other forms of life in the universe we humans are nothing more than a single celled life form.  Were not very advanced were not very intelligent we are extremely selfish.  We are extremely hateful.  We are definitely not very honest and we are so filled with self-importance and I drive to enhance our egos and make ourselves more important than each other that we have actually become our own worst enemy.

So I have no illusions.  If I were not connected to this house.  I probably would not be staying in the United States.  If I were not connected to this house.  If circumstances were different and I did not have the obligations that I do have.  I would probably be someplace in the world were there is sacred and hallowed ground.  I would go to that place.  And I would become completely invisible to the world in order to continue my spiritual journey homeward.  Because what happened to me in 1968 is something that is that profound.  I have tried in my Journal to elucidate and to extrapolate regarding what took place.  I have tried to pontificate on what I have learned from that one single experience and some people in the world have actually paid attention to me.  Others have decided it would be better to hate me for what I have experienced.

But because I do understand every single thing that happened in my life because I did learn as much as I did in my life I have the ability to turn this place where I am living into sacred and hallowed ground, which is what I have done.  Even though the degree of how sacred and how hallowed this place is may not in fact be visible to the outside world.  It is immediately visible when someone enters this house.  Because it is impossible for them not to feel the sacred energy here.  And it's not because of my physical identity that the energy used in this house.  Because of the work that my darling Aileen and I did together.  Because she actually knew who would what I was and who would what I am.  But the only reason she knew was as a result of circumstances that had taken place in her own life.  And there were discussions that she had with people who I knew in the various cities where we were both located.  When we did not know each other.  That further convinced Aileen of her suspicions of who and what I am so she knew exactly why the two of us finally did meet and why we did finally fall in love and she really couldn't tell hardly anyone because no one would have ever believed her.

And in point of fact that one line from the Harry Potter films was so remarkably reminiscent of a truth that I learned many years ago that when I heard that one line.  I remembered that the concept of what was being said, with that one line was exactly the same concept that was said thousands and thousands of years ago by someone that I was studying when I was just out of the hospital.  It was actually written by someone by the name of Krishnamurthy.  And it was written about Siddhartha.  And the line simply was.  If you ask you will never know.  If you know you will never need to ask.  Meaning that it is an unspoken truth.  It is a self evident truth.  It is a truth that defies any kind of explanation or use of words.  Because it is a truth that once recognized takes no words at all to understand.

When I was first confronted with that concept.  When I was reading Krishnamurthy, at the feet of the master.  Where Krishnamurthy was actually talking about Siddhartha even know that's not the name Krishnamurthy used in that book.  But he was referring to Siddhartha.  And the concept in that book was exactly that.  If you need to ask you will never know if you know you will never need to ask.  The self evident truth the unspoken truth.

So I know exactly how to draw the spiritual energy to this place.  I know exactly how to sanctify this place.  I know exactly how to improve this property in such a way so that it will be impervious to any kind of housing violations or any other kind of infraction that might actually be attempted to be lodged against this place.  I know how to maintain this house in such a way as to make it impervious to any kind of political or other form of attack.  And I know how to dedicate this ground to make it hallowed and holy ground.  And that is exactly what I intend on doing.  Because I don't have the opportunity to lead Cleveland and go to some spiritual place in this world and dare to divorce myself from life and hide myself away and become completely invisible and since I don't have that opportunity.  I will do so here.  Which is exactly what I have done because nobody ever sees me.  People only see me, during the winter, once a month.  And during the summer.  They only see me about once a week.  Because other than that I never leave my home and when I want to go out and enjoy the outside where the out of doors.  I never do so on the front of my home.  I do so in the backyard where no one can see me where I am invisible.  Because that's the law of my life.  If people cannot see me.  They cannot act out their hatred against me.  So, by remaining as invisible as I possibly can.  I take away from people their ability to demonstrate their hatred for me.  Because if they can't see me.  Then they have no object.  To demonstrate their hatred for.

And that means that their hatred.  Then has to reside within themselves which means their hatred will make themselves ugly and unhealthy.  Which is exactly what is happening.  People who direct their hatred at me.  And that finding that the hatred comes back at them with three times the force that they sent that hatred out.  And then they become unhealthy.  And they don't look very good and they end up having all sorts of negative things going on in their lives and they think that I am doing something and they are wrong because they are the ones who are drawing their own negative energy to them.  Not me.  I'm just making sure that any of the negative energy.  They send me never reaches me or this hallowed ground.

And in that I am an expert.  Whether anyone wants to admit that are not.  I am in fact an expert.  Because I have been studying on how to do this ever since I was 19 years old and every place I have ever lived in my entire life in one way or another.  At one time or another has been set up in such a way so that where I was living was actually hallowed ground.  I'm not going to deny that my mental illness and the various circumstances of my life mediated or involved in itself in such a way in my life, whereby the execution of my life did not become as clear or as positive as I would have liked it to be.  But that is the human part of what I am.  Because humanity has all sorts of frailties and limitations.  And because I am physically human.  I have the same kind of frailties and limitations as any other human being.  Which means I make mistakes.  Which means I don't always get everything perfect.  Because there is nothing perfect in the human condition.  Because that is one of the hallmarks of being human that we are not perfect because if we were we would not be human.

But now the circumstances of my life are much different.  Everything I could have possibly had taken away from me has been taken away.  With the exception of leaving me in my home.  And if Cleveland had a way of throwing me out of my home and throwing me into prison, you can bet your bottom dollar Cleveland would do that in a heartbeat.  Because Cleveland hates me that much.  They would love to see me rotting in some jail Cleveland would love to see me dead.  I know that very clearly.  It's not a problem.  Because I know that when I die I will simply go back to where I was in 1968 for those 5 min. I will go back to God.  And when I go back to God.  I will go back into the arms of my darling Aileen into the only person who really ever loved me for what I was so while Cleveland and other people may think that their hatred of me is intimidating me.  They are wrong because everything that happened during those 5 min. in 1968.  Every single thing that took place happened with total and complete synchronicity and relevancy to everything I am going through right now.  I went through all those things in 1968 for this particular moment in my life.  And I saw this moment in my life when I was 19 and only a few students I was going to school with at southern Arizona school ever knew that what I was talking about in 1969 at school was this very moment.  And they are the ones that don't ever have to ask me any questions because they know that what is happening right now is what I told them what happened in 1969 so they don't need to have contact with me because they know everything that's taking place is happening exactly the way it should.

But for the rest of the people in the world.  They were not there in 1969.  And they did not hear my conversations.  And they didn't hear what my projections were and they were not aware of what took place in 1968 when I died.  So when people see my life right now.  Most people have no idea that everything happening right now has perfect synchronicity and relevancy to those 5 min. when I died in 1968.  Only the people who knew me in 1969, and who I shared what really took place in 1968.  Only those people actually know that what is happening now is exactly the way I projected and is exactly what I projected.  And of all the people in the whole world.  Only one only one person out of 7 billion was ever able to accurately recognize me.  That was my darling Aileen and I knew back in 1969 everything that was going to happen when I met my darling Aileen.  Because I had seen it all and I even talked about it with two friends.  So I knew that I would be unrecognizable to anyone except for my darling Aileen.  But that's the way that energy beyond this world works.  It doesn't operate on the basis of our own understanding.  It doesn't operate within the confines of our own definitions.  Because our own definitions of life in our own understanding of life is so miniscule as compared to the entire stream of life that what we think makes sense here on Earth has hardly any relevancy whatsoever without the energy is beyond this world function.  But that's where our egos come in.  Because we think we are smarter than anyone we think we are better than anyone we think we don't have to take any responsibility for what we do and we are always competing with each other to see who is better because of our egos and our hatred.

And then I compete with no one and I never have.  And I never will.  Even when I was in athletic competition.  I never competed with anyone other than myself.  No matter how I might have appeared in any race that I ran I was never competing with anyone except myself.  Because that's the only one I ever compete with I do not under any circumstances compete with anyone for anything in this world.  Not a single thing.  Because the only one I will ever compete with for anything in this world is me.  And those who understand what I'm saying will never have to ask anything of what I have just said.  Because they will understand and those people who do not understand what I'm saying will never understand.  No matter how many questions they might ask.  Because what I'm saying is, a self evident truths and unspoken truths and I understand so much about everything I'm talking about that I'm able to live exactly what I am talking about every minute.  Which is why the ground in this house.  And on this property has become hallowed.

So this is just my Journal.  That's all it is.  It is that repository where I in fact share my thoughts where I write down my thoughts and I do so publicly online.  Only because I made a promise to my darling Aileen to do so.  And if I had not made that promise I would not be visible at all to this world or I would be as invisible as possible.  I would not be on Facebook.  I would not be doing a Journal online.  Because I don't need to do a Journal online in order to do the spiritual work I need to do.  But like I said, I made promises.  I made promises to God.  And I made promises to Aileen and those promises are part of every aspect of my life and they will be to my dying breath.

So when I write jokes in my Journal.  I don't know if other people enjoy those jokes are not.  But I enjoy those jokes and I actually laugh quite hard when I write some of the jokes I write.  But I don't write them for anyone else.  I write them for God and I write them for my darling Aileen and I write them for myself.  If others choose to read my Journal and find my Journal to be interesting or of value.  That's their choice not mine.  I am gratified and I am supremely honored by the attention my Journal gets from people around this world.  It means more to me then I will ever be able to put into words.  But that is not the intention for why I do this Journal is simply a tremendously gratifying and honoring benefit.  But that's all it is.

In any event, I need to meditate.  I have lots to do today.  A great deal is taking place while I was sleeping.  A lot of understanding came to me when I was sleeping just now.  So I really do need to meditate before I began my day.

Thank you very much for listening.