I realized reading things live writer like my last Journal entry are difficult for people to deal with. But then, it has been difficult for me to deal with the fact that no one would ever defend me. Because that's the way it was. Nobody ever defended my interests. Just like nothing is going to happen from the reports I have made to MetroHealth medical Center or to the state medical board for Ohio. Nothing will happen. Because those kinds of good things happen to other people but not to me. And it is in reality. Because I am a Jew.
Aileen was the only person in my life who ever really defended me. And because Metro basically hates me. They were never about to give her the kind of quality medical care she needed is Metro knows that if I don't have Aileen around. I have no one to defend me. Just like the Department of aging in Cleveland knows full well that it was not on my account that they found a grant to repair our porch and backyard fence. Then it was on Aileen's account that the fence and the front porch were repaired. And again is because I'm a Jew.
If that sounds hard to believe. I'm sorry that it sounds that way, but oftentimes the truth is stranger than fiction. And in my case, it is certainly true. The Department of aging has never really liked me or cared about me. They actually think they are much smarter than I am. And that I am basically stupid because that's how they treat anyone who is mentally ill they treat all mentally ill people as if we were stupid, even though they are re-single medical record on the mentally ill that has been written for the last 75 years. Clearly shows that two thirds of all people who are mentally ill are actually smarter than the general population. But the Department of aging will never treat me as if I have any brains. Because the Department of aging basically hates me and they always have. If Aileen would have already been dead years ago when they compared our porch and back fence. Then they would never have repaired our front porch or back fence. Because as I said, the Department of aging did that extremely wonderful gesture. Not because of me because of Aileen. They have never cared about me or like me in any way. Because that's just how it is being a Jew in the United States. More specifically. That's how it is being me in the United States.
So I understand that. And so my attitude is simply going to be that from now on I will not ask any help from any organization in this city ever again. Never. And I will never trust anyone in medicine as long as I live. From this day forth. Furthermore, in checking my living will. I find that I have written my living will in such a way so that under no circumstances is anyone from any medical community allowed to eat come anywhere near me. If I have any kind of terminal illness. And that's exactly how I want it. If I become sick with the terminal illness. I don't want, under any circumstances for anyone from the medical community to come near me at all. Because of I developed a terminal illness where my physical condition is more terminal than it already is. I want nothing to do with the medical community. Because if I developed such a terminal illness. I want to die as quickly as possible without any help whatsoever from the medical community or anyone else. Because the of eye development terminal illness, whereby the physical state of my life is more terminal that it already is. My attitude is let me die as quickly as possible. Let me leave this world as quickly as I can. Because associating with these liars. You call themselves Christians is disgusting to me. That's the reality. When I see people who claim to be Christians. While they are supporting the ownership of guns and using money to define their spirituality. Other people might find that irritating I find it disgusting. I find it so disgusting that I would rather be dead than to associate with anyone who is that kind of ugly filthy liar before God, before their own soul.
And I don't mean that I am disgusted by the humanity of anyone but I am disgusted with the behavior that people find so justifiable when in reality there is no justification for their lying and their ugly behavior. There is no justification for the Christians to be screaming and yelling about how much they love of guns when their Lord and Savior was crucified for being a pacifist. But that's the way the majority of Christians in the United States are. They are basically filthy liars before God. They claim to be pro-life. While they are owning a gun and threatening to murder anyone they don't like. Which means they are not pro-life but just filthy dirty ugly you liars. They are dirty ugly liars before their own soul and God. And that kind of ugliness is what is absolutely disgusting to me. And as I said I would rather be dead than associate with that kind of ugliness. But it is the kind of ugliness that is supported in the United States. Because everybody loves to call themselves a Christian. And everybody who was a Christian or at least most people who are Christians love to own guns. They love to hate everyone they love to teach their children hatred and they love to hate people like me because to them. That's what it means to be a supporter of the love of Jesus. To show hatred to anyone they don't like. Because that's how they believe Jesus lived his life. That Jesus actually hated everyone in the world except for people he chose not to and the Jesus supported the killing and mass murdering of women and the killing of children and murdering ever everyone who is infirm are disabled, even though he died and was crucified protecting those type of people.
And that kind of and consistency is not only as I said putrid. But it is disgusting to me. And I would rather be dead than associate with anyone who dares call themselves a Christian or who dares to say they are pro-life. While they own a gun. I would rather be dead than to associate with that kind of filth and ugliness before God. So I will never ask for anyone's help ever again in my life. And in this house falls into disrepair and I need help I will die before I asked for anyone's help. Because I'm not going to give a pound of flesh to the filthy lying Christians. You claim to be pro-life. While they own a gun. I will never ask for their help for anything. I will die first. Because I was born a Jew and I will die a Jew. Regardless of what anything anyone might say or do.
And there is no hatred there. It's just that I don't like getting sick to my stomach all the time. And that's the only thing that happens when I'm around these filthy lying Christians who claim to be pro-life. When they are nothing but dirty ugly monsters who are nothing but filthy ugly, dirty bastard liars. Because that's all they are. They are dirty bastard ugly filthy pieces of crap liars. They are liars before God. They are liars before their own soul. They are liars to their children. They are liars to humanity. And I would rather die than to associate with their disgusting horrible monstrous ugliness. Because that's all they are ugly horrible dirty and filthy. They are nothing but pieces of garbage. Because they have made themselves out to be that way. They claim to be pro-life. While they scream and yell about guns. When their Lord and Savior was crucified for being a pacifist. Which means these filthy ugly, dirty bastard pieces of crap Christians who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ are nothing but filthy ugly monsters who are ugly despicable liars before their own God. Because they don't follow Jesus Christ because they don't follow what he said. They are not doing what he said. Because they love their guns more than they love their own Lord and Savior.
And I for being a Jew who actually is a person who admires chooses for the pacifism that the promoted and supported. I am the one that Christians have nothing but hatred for. Because I'm actually supporting the pacifism of Jesus more than they are. And they can't stand that. Because they want to kill everyone who doesn't behave exactly like them. Because that's the kind of ugly pieces of crap monsters they are. Because they really believed in Jesus supported mass murder and killing of everyone. Which makes them nothing but pieces of garbage before God filthy ugly, dirty bastard liars before God. And that includes every single Catholic and Christian who dares to own a gun. While they support Jesus. Because Jesus never supported the owning of guns. So for any Catholic to own a gun and to call themselves a pro-life Catholic is a filthy dirty bastard lie just like every Christian who claims to be pro-life. While owning a gun is nothing but a filthy dirty bastard ugly liar. They are a liar before, Jesus Christ. They are a liar before God and they are a liar to themselves. And I refuse to associate with that kind of disgusting. And this the global horrible monstrous ugliness. If Catholics and Christians want to behave like pieces of crap and garbage and become filthy ugly, dirty bastard liars before God. That's their choice. But they don't have the right to drag me into their stupid bastard garbage behavior. And I will never join them in their filthy ugly, dirty lying that they are doing before God the matter what they say or do. I will never join their ugliness.
And so I know full well within my heart and soul that nothing is going to happen. Because of the reports I have made about now MetroHealth medical Center as a result of medical negligence basically out loud my wife to die. I am never going to expect them to do a single thing. Because they won't. Because that's what it means to be a Jew in America. You don't get any equal rights, unless you have lots of money. Or unless you are really popular. And being a transgendered female. Meaning living as a woman. I will never get any respect in this world. I will never get any kindness in this world. Because Christians don't have the ability to be kind to dirty bastard ugly piece of crap Jews like me. Because that's all I am to the Christian community in Cleveland and to most of the Christian community in the United States. I'm nothing but a dirty bastard piece of garbage ugly Jew. That's all I am. I'm just a dumb stupid bastard ugly Jew. That's how they have treated me. That's how they treat me now. And that's how they will treat me. To the end of my life.
So when it comes to my wife having basically been murdered or having been murdered by MetroHealth medical Center as a result of medical negligence. The Ohio medical board will not take any action in my defense. And neither will any other organization in this country. Because I mean, dirty bastard halfbreed Jew. I don't fit into any religious environment. My fellow Jews, hate me because I come from a mixed religious family. The Catholics and Christians hate me because my father was Jewish and because my mother was a Jew. Even though my mother's birth certificate said that she was in fact a Mennonite. The reality is that my mother was a Sephardic Jew. So consequently, I'm not going to get any help in this world. I'm not going to get any justice in this world. No one will investigate why my wife was murdered. Because I have no value to the city of Cleveland. I have no value to this nation. I have no value to this world. Because I'm just a stupid ugly, dirty bastard halfbreed Jew. That's how the world has treated me. That is how the world has defined me. That is how I was born into the world. And that is exactly how I will die.
And make no mistake. I am not bitter or angry about this treatment. Because to be bitter or angry would mean that I would actually care about being treated this way. When I really never have. I've always known that I was going to be different. I've always expected this kind of ugly behavior. Because it's the same behavior I have been treated to all my life. And as my biographical profile clearly shows. My left leg has been partially crippled ever since I was 12 years old when my fellow Jews and the Catholics and Christians of Cleveland Heights Ohio tried to murder me in 1962. Nothing has changed. The Catholics and the Jews basically hate me as much now as they did back then. They would like me to hate them. But I never will. I do not hate anything that God did make. But God did not made our behavior. So while the Catholics and Christians. And my fellow Jews find it so easy to hate me. I will not buy into their hatred. I will not hate them back. The matter what they do to me. No matter what they try and do to hurt me. Even though they have basically out loud my wife to die because they hated me so much even that will not make me hate them because they are not big enough or tough enough to make me hate them. Because I do not hate anything God did make. Regardless of what anyone or any group may have done to me intentionally or otherwise.
And this understanding also makes me realize that I don't really want to be part of this world anymore. So I will not be part of this world anymore. I will go out once a month or when I am in fact going to see my psychiatrist or psychologist. And then I will not go and see anyone. I will not leave my home for any other reason than to do my once a month shopping or to see my psychologist or psychiatrist. Other than that I will not leave this house. I don't need to go out into the world to know how much the world hates me. I can feel the world's hatred when I step out of my front door. The smell of their hatred is so strong that I need to actually raise my head above their ugliness and appoint my face and God. And that's what I will do.
I have given my life to God. In a number of different ways. And always have. Ever since 1969 I just was never a fanatic about it. All through my life I normally My spirituality extremely it because I had to. If I would've allowed anyone to know how deeply spiritual I was. I would have never been able to survive in business for as long as I did. It's just how things were and it's just how things are.
And even though I am praying for death every hour on the hour that does not mean I'm going you disrespect my life or my body. Because I will not do that. Because disrespecting my body or my life or my soul is a sin against God. Meaning a sin against that energy that we here on Earth call by so many different names as God. So consequently, I will maintain my health. I will maintain my body. I will continue living as a transgendered female. And I will continue living my life as well as I can. It's just that I won't be part of the world. Because the world wants nothing to do with me. I certainly understand that. Now more than at any other time in my life. Because the world allow my wife to basically being murdered and the world will do nothing to make it right. Just the way the world and Lord my mother in 1950 because she was out of wedlock and 18 years old. The world found it easy to hate her and to ignore her. Because in all the years I have lived in this world. No one has come forward from the Catholic or Christian community. Not one person has come forward to say they were sorry for what the Catholics and Christians did to me. Aileen was the only one who said that they were sorry for how I was treated. The Catholics and Christians don't feel sorry for their hatred. And neither do my fellow Jews. Because none of them have ever said they were sorry for how their religion treated me in life. And that provides us with a very clear understanding of each other.
They hate me. And I will not hate them. But I will not put up with their behavior. I will not support their behavior. I will not allow their behavior into my life or into my soul. Just like I will not allow anyone to determine the condition of my own soul. That is a matter between me and God. And no Christian or Catholic or Jew or anyone will ever change that. Because it is God who made me. Not any Catholic or Christian or Jew or anyone else. God made me. And I dare any Christian or Catholic or Jew to prove otherwise. I dare them to prove otherwise. Because the moment they try and prove otherwise. They will in fact be turning their back on their own faith. And that is how ugly they wish to become let them do so without any of my help or Association.
So I have no illusions. I know the way to go home. I know what I have to do with my heart and my soul in order to fulfill my promise to God. I have always said. Life is meant to be used and meant to be lived. That life is not meant to be abused or wasted. And I will not waste my life or abuse my life. Because that is not why God gave me back my life in 1968. So I will fulfill my promise to God. And let no Catholic or Christian or Jew ever try and stop me. Because if they do they will not feel anything from me. They will feel the force of God preventing them from doing any damage to my soul or my life. Because it was no Catholic or Christian or Jew who brought me back to life. It was God gave me back my life. So of the Catholics and the Christians and the Jews don't like the way I am they need to put up and shut up and take their complaint to God, not to me.
And now that I have finally come to is conceptual place in my own life. I am far better equipped to move on with my life. I will do so privately here in my home. It will be me and my darling Aileen and God. And the three of us will survive in this home. And we will do so as outside of the doors my home the region of hatred that the Catholics and Christians have for God and all life will continue. With their ugliness will not affect this house for this home. Just like their ugliness will not affect my own soul. No one has the right over my soul. Because no one created. That's so. God is the one not in the Catholic religion or Jew.
So I have a new determination in my life. The determination to live my life completely alone. And that is what I am going to do.
I'm not bitter. I'm just greatly saddened that this is the best that we humans can do. When humans are confronted with a pacifist like me humans show how ugly they can be. They bring out their guns and they bring out their hatred. And with their guns and their hatred they tell me how much they hate me because I refuse to join them in their violence and in their hatred. But that is their problem. Not mine. I follow God. I don't follow the teachings of the Christians with the teachings of the Catholics or the Jews. I follow God. I do not do, nor will I ever do what any Catholic or Christian tells me to do or any of my fellow Jews tells me to do. I will always do what God tells me to do. And for doing what God is telling me to do and not what the Catholics and Christians and Jews are telling me to do. I will be hated for the rest of my life. That is a very clear understanding within my soul and one that I have carried all these years. Because my left leg being partially crippled from the hatred that the Catholics and the Christians and the Jews showed me in 1962. My left leg is still partially crippled to this very day. As a result of the ugliness and hatred the Catholics and the Christians and Jews showed me in 1962. Showed me their ugliness when in fact they have the opportunity to do otherwise. And they chose not to.
So I have made all the reports necessary regarding how my darling Aileen was basically murdered by the medical community as a result of their medical negligence in September 2006. And so now the Catholics and Christians have tried to do everything they could to destroy me. They tried to even murder my wife. Because they hate me so much they wanted to destroy every single joy I ever had in this world. Because they hate me that much. They don't ever want me to have any happiness. They don't ever want me to have any freedom. They don't ever want me to be accepted in this world. They don't ever want me to survive. They would love it if I would've died tomorrow. But they will never drive me to that point. I serve God. Not any Catholic or Christian or Jew. I serve God.
And you not think that I'm angry. Because I'm not. I'm not angry. I am only determined. My darling Aileen needed me to be her protector. While she was alive. And of course when she was dying of liver cancer. And for anyone to think that she does not need my protection now is probably not really paying very much attention. Because my darling Aileen needs my protection now more than she did when she was in the physical world. And I have dedicated my life to protecting her just as I am dedicating my life protecting this home. So I will ask for no one. So other than my neighbor or my fellow neighbors. In this neighborhood who do actually respect me. Other than that I will ask for no one. So. I will do everything on my own. And at that means I have to learn how to build things as a carpenter then I will do just that. I will learn how to do it. And I will do the work myself.
If Noah can build an ark. Then surely I can maintain this home and maintain myself. And that is exactly what I'm going to do. Not once in all the years that I have lived as a transgendered female. Meaning not once in all the years when I have lived as a woman. Did I ever do so on the basis of trying to impress anyone. Nor did I do so on the basis of attempting to attract anyone. Because that is not part of my spirituality and it is also not part of my living as a woman. My living as a woman before I met my darling Aileen was as a result of an agreement I made with God. Now it is as a result of an agreement I made with my darling Aileen and an agreement I made with God. And that's the way it's going to stay.
I will get my medical records transferred to the new HMO hospital. I will get my records transferred to a new Dr. I will move my life forward. I will move forward on my spiritual journey homeward. Let no man or no woman and no child under any circumstances attempt to prevent me on my journey homeward. For it is not for them to stand between me and God. They have no right to do that. And they will not be allowed to do that. Not because I say so. But because God says so.
I will maintain this Journal. Until my dying breath. That is exactly what I will do. And I will get everything done in my life. And I will not ask for anyone's help ever again. I promised my darling Aileen. That I would in fact investigate what happened in September of 2006. And I have done that. So, I have fulfilled my promise to my darling Aileen. And she knows that. And so does God. So I will now move on with my life. And I will do so in such a way so that I can in fact continue my journey. My spiritual journey home to God. It's a journey of course, which began when I was born but the became a declared journey in 1969 when I got out of the hospital. And like I said all my life while I was out working in the world. I never talk about this or to journey. I never once tried to share what was going on inside of me. Even when I was in any kind of a relationship with someone else. I never really ever shared with them what was going on inside of me. Aileen was the only one who I ever told everything to. There is God centered to me. Just like God send me to her.
So I will continue with my love of humanity. I will continue to love my enemies and those who hate me. I will continue to show them compassion and kindness. While at the same time showing their behavior the same energy they are sending out. Because I will select all of their ugliness. I will direct all of their ugliness back at them through the law of return. Because it is my duty and my responsibility to keep my soul clean. To keep my soul healthy. To keep the Temple of my body healthy. And if you are. And that is exactly what I'm going to do. And. He is not going to be defined for me by the medical community or anyone else. Purity will be defined for me by God. And so rather than listening to humans with all of their filthy lying about how they are in fact religious when they can't even follow the words of their own God for their own religion. Regardless what religion they are. I will not join them in their angry madness. I will in fact maintain my journey. And my purity of soul and my love of humanity as God has charged me to do. Because I am not going home to stand in front of any Catholic or Christian or Jew. I am going home to stand before God. And God will be the judge of how well I have done.
So I have no illusions. I know full well that there is a lot of hatred for me in this world. But so what? I've been hated my entire life. So why should now be any different than what I have gotten all my life?
And I know that I am not alone on this journey. Because if I were alone. Then there would not be so many people from around the world reading my Journal. So we the people from around the world are reading my Journal because they hate me. Or they are reading my Journal because they love. Regardless of how someone is reading my Journal. I am very grateful that they are doing so. And I am equally honored by their attention. It is truly an honor for me to have anyone paying attention to anything I write. And I am very grateful I am always extremely grateful for any intention that my writing gets. I have no hopes for my writing being noticed or given attention. After all, it's just a Journal. This is not some professional writing project. This is just my Journal. That's all it is. Just my Journal. That place where I argue with myself. That place where I put down all of my thoughts that are in conflict. So that I can work through the conflict and move forward.
So the best that can do is to show me hatred and contempt. So be it. Don't ask me to join your hatred anger contempt don't ask me to join you in your violence. Because I will not. It won't happen. And now that I am finally coming to the conclusion of this really difficult promise I made to my darling Aileen. This promised that I would in fact investigate why she was not treated better in September of 2006. Now that I have fulfilled this promise. I'll move on to the next set of promises.
It's got to be hard for people to understand how various conversations my darling Aileen and I had resulted in all these promises. But they did. And for the rest of my life. As I made my way home on the spiritual journey. I will in fact see every single promise I made to my darling Aileen.
I know how to keep myself healthy. I know what to do to exercise my body. I really don't have the physical ability to do a lot of the exercises that are recommended for people my age. Because of my spinal damage and my hernia and my arthritis. But I have all sorts of other exercises that I can do to maintain my physical health and my spiritual health. And I will do those exercises. And I will remain healthy.
What you have been seeing over the last several weeks and months has been need confronting is really difficult promise. This one promise I made to my darling Aileen to investigate what happened in September 2006. And it was and has been one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do in my entire life. Not because it was physically difficult. But because it was emotionally and spiritually difficult. But I got it done. Like I always do. I got it done.
It's like I have always said. When I was working for a living. An employer or client might call someone else who might be better looking or who might be more acceptable politically or economically or professionally. But if they wanted to work done right. If they wanted the work to be correct. If they want the word to be solid and reliable. Then they would call someone like me. Because individuals like me are individuals who do not compromise on the sanctity of their soul for the sanctity of their work. Which is another reason why so many people hate me. Because I told myself to a higher standard than they are able to. And they don't like that. They don't like anyone does a better job but living than they think they are doing. But that's not my problem, it's theirs.
And so, beginning tomorrow, I will begin to move forward with my life. And I will begin to get the help that I need. I will survive. I will maintain my love and my allegiance to my darling Aileen. I will keep all of my promises to her or him. I will continue defending her and defending her soul. Even if I have to stand at the gates of hell. I will do my dying breath defend her soul.
As I have explained before, a lot of the times when I communicate with the energy beyond this world I have to do so in an unconscious manner. Meaning I have to be unconscious to be able to communicate with the energy beyond this world. A lot of the time. Because that's the only way you can communicate with the energy beyond this world. Meaning, the only way you really have any affect the dictation with what is beyond this world is when you are either in a semi-conscious state or an unconscious state. Because it's just the nature of how the energy exists and relates to we humans. Very rarely are you ever able to talk with, or interact with the poor learned from that energy beyond this world unless you are either semi-conscious or unconscious.
So what you are seeing this morning. In this Journal entry is a result of my conversation with that energy that I have just recently had. That energy that we buy so many different names in this world call God.
So the first order of business this week is to make sure those medical records are in fact being transferred to my new HMO hospital. Also to make sure that MetroHealth medical Center understands that they may have thought they were successful in lying to me. But that they are now going to find out they were not successful because they are going to find the then based on how they have treated me. I want nothing to do with them. And all I want is for every aspect of my association with MetroHealth medical Center to come to a close. They are not good enough to associate with me. Because I don't associate with liars and I don't associate with people who murder friends of mine or kill my wife. Because that's basically what MetroHealth medical Center did. They murdered my wife by allowing her to die without giving her the opportunity that they would want for themselves. They could have saved her life in 2006. And they chose not to do is they thought it would be a much better idea to allow my wife to die as a result of their hatred for me.
And as I have already line. When I was only 19 years old in 1969 I soul. All of this happening in front of me. I knew my life would end up being this way. Which is one of the reasons God. And I have a lot of argument. Back then. I didn't like the fact that God was going to give something to me. And then take it away. But he did. And I'm not angry. God had a reason for all of this. I know that. And I am grateful to God for God allowing me to speak with my darling Aileen and I have heard. My home with me. There is no way I will ever tell Evelyn or applaud about all of this. Claude would not care. And Evelyn would literally have a nervous breakdown if she were ever to find out that Aileen would still be alive had not Metro the in such a criminal and hateful manner.
So tomorrow I will again hit the ground running. That's what I'm good at. I always have been good doing that. It doesn't matter what time of day or night. When I wake up. I always hit the ground running. Because when I wake up. I am always supremely grateful to God for allowing me to do so to wake up.
But again, I am becoming really tired. In point of fact, I have already passed out twice while doing this Journal entry. Which is no big deal. It just means that talking like I have had to do in order to do this dictation is simply making me a little tired. Because I always have to take extra breaths to be able to talk. So I just tend to get a bit tired after a certain amount of talking and having had to take all those extra breaths. Just to do so. But that's how it is. My left lung is diminished to 1° or another. So I have to take extra breaths to be able to talk. And taking those extra breaths becomes rather tiresome. And even though I am rather expert at managing my breathing, so that I can maintain myself while talking. Having to talk all the time to be able to use my computer those actually make me quite tired. Because I'm having to take all those extra breaths to be able to do my dictations or talk.
And because it is now approximately 1:56 AM. And because I have to get a hit the ground running at 4:30 AM. I'm probably going to close now and turn on a funny movie and meditate myself to sleep. Then tomorrow, I will hit the ground running. I will take care of cleaning the house. And take care of getting everything done. And then Saturday I will pay the bills and get my groceries for the coming month. I will make my last payment to the bank for the payoff of the rehabilitation loan. And once that payment is made. I will own this home completely. I will have finally finished when Aileen and I started regarding our home. And that in itself was another promise I made to my darling Aileen that I would maintain our home. That I would pay off the mortgage. That I would, get it done.
But I'm really tired. So why don't rest now I will probably just passed out. And because I really don't enjoy making a fool out of myself. I am probably just going to stop. I will undoubtedly right tomorrow. That is a given. And so, use, onward and upward sometimes fast sometimes slow. But ever onward.