Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Conflicted

To say that I'm conflicted is a huge understatement.  Because in reality I feel as if I am in the middle of complete chaos.  And in many ways I feel incredibly alone.  But it's not being alone about me.  Because in point of fact, I have spent most of my life alone.  Except for the last 18 years.  So I'm not afraid of being alone.  But I am beginning to realize very clearly now that the only reason anything kind was ever done for Aileen and I was not because of me.  But because of her.  She was the one who had good relations with the city.  She was the one who had good relations with other people.  I was the one people found it easy to hate.  Whether they did so as a result of my father or my being a Maschke did not matter.  Because if I had not been married to Aileen.  I would still be very much alone and very much hated.  That's just how things are.  And I know this.  I am completely aware that this is the case.  I have no illusions.

So I understand very clearly that the city meaning the city of Cleveland really doesn't care about someone like me.  My fellow Jews made that all too clear.  When my father died in 1994 where they basically took the attitude that they wanted nothing to do with me.  My fellow Jews basically wanted nothing to do with me because I didn't have lots of money like they did and they couldn't get anything from me.  And when my Transgenderism came out.  Then my fellow Jews have even more reason to hate me here in this city.  So I really can't ask my fellow Jews for any kind of help nor do I deserve any kind of help.  Because in their eyes I am exactly what they have always felt I was.  A halfbreed Jewish bastard.  Because that's pretty much how they treated me.  And I fully understand why and I really don't have any problem with it.

So now I have finally dealt with one of the most difficult and serious aspects of how Aileen died.  I have dealt with that one detail that nobody wanted to talk about that no one could talk about that one detail dealing with her death how MetroHealth medical center actually have the ability to save her life in 2006 and they chose not to.  If MetroHealth wanted to hurt me or strike at me.  They did a very good job.  But it is done.  I finally fulfilled that promise.  And it was important for me to separate from Claude and Evelyn in order to achieve this.  Because if I did not.  It would not have gotten done.  Because if I had not separated from Claude and Evelyn.  They would have argued that what I was thinking was not possible but that is only because they are in denial.  Because Claude actually has a letter from Aileen dated 1991 where Aileen is actually telling Claude about how she is having liver problems.  So all the way back to 1991 my darling Aileen knew that she was having liver problems.  Which means all the way back to 1991 whenever she went to MetroHealth medical Center whenever she was seen they had to have known that she was having liver problems.  And still they chose to do nothing.

That speaks volumes about the character of MetroHealth medical Center it really does.

And with the coming up next month I will file all the pertinent legal papers and when I'm done the last mortgage payment will be made.  And it will be registered and certified so that the bank will not be able to deny that I have made that payment and so that they will not be able to deny my identity regarding this property or my association to my darling Aileen and my subsequent Association and pertinent responsibility, pursuant to the mortgage or the rehabilitation loan.  And once that payment is made.  There will be no more mortgage payments.  Because the mortgage will have been paid off.  And then at that point I will simply continue and slowly begin to maintain this house on my own even though the state of Ohio was trying to make that as difficult as possible.

I hate it when people say that I am a good person.  Because I'm not.  If I were really a good person.  Then my life would be a great deal different than it is.  If I were a good person.  I have lots of friends and I don't have lots of friends.  Nobody calls and nobody comes over to see me unless they need something.  Nobody comes to simply check in on me or to say hello.  And when I was associating with Claude.  And he would come over.  Generally he would come over complaining either about me or something else.  So in that event Claude did not come over really just to visit with me your to offer support it came over because he needed something from me he needed a place to vent.  That's the way my life is always been.  Nobody ever comes to see me unless they need something.  Because I'm that type of person.  I me easy to come up to when someone is in need.  I'm that type of person that people just don't want to have anything to do with unless they need something.

And that's fine.  My time of celebrating life is over.  Whatever time.  Meaning, however many years I have left in this world will be spent engaged in life more spiritually.  Then physically.  I don't have a car so I don't have any of those responsibilities nor do I have any of those privileges nor do I need any of those documents.  And there's nothing else that needs to be done to the house.  So I don't really have anything else to do their either all I have to do now to simply wait to die.  And that I can do very easily.

There's no point in sharing anything more about my life regarding the Maschke family.  There's just no point.  Nobody really cares.  The city certainly doesn't care.  Because every time the city of Cleveland never talks about the 1920s.  They never mention the Maschke family.  Even though my grandfather was a huge part of the 1920s in Cleveland every historian from any of the three TV networks over the past 10 to 20 years.  Every time they never talk about the 1920s they have purposely not mentioned the Maschke family name.  They never mention the Maschke family as if Cleveland is actually embarrassed by what my grandfather and the Maschke family did for the city and if that's their attitude.  No problem.  I may be mentally ill and I may be tortured I may be conflicted.  But of all the things that people may say about me, many of which are extremely ugly.  The one thing that they don't ever really say and never have, is that I'm stupid.

Part of me that wonders why I'm keeping a journal online.  Anyhow.  I know there are a lot of people who enjoy my writing.  But I never hear from them.  And yet I know there are a lot of people who are reading my Journal entries.  Which means people are either reading my Journal entries.  Because they hate me.  Or they are reading my Journal entries.  Because they like what I'm writing.  But then, because I never hear from them.  I never know which side of that argument.  They are on or who is on which side of the argument.  I never know how many people are reading my Journal entries.  Because they like my writing.  As compared to how many people are reading my Journal entries.  Because they hate me.  It's impossible to tell.  Because nobody ever communicates with me.  It's like I am a pariah.

And that's okay to.  Watching Aileen die really taught me a lot.  It taught me how temporary life is.  It taught me how short and how fast life goes by.  It is impossible for people to understand the physical aspects of my body.  Because what was done to me in 1968 was never repeated in any hospital ever again because the procedure that they did on in 1968 was basically designed specifically for my medical condition that is the fact of the matter.  And the matter what I say and no matter how many times I say what I am.  I know nobody will really ever believe me and nobody will really ever take notice and that is also perfectly fine.

My sense of things would make me believe that I will in fact be a candidate for the 75% of surviving spouses who died within seven years.  And if that be so then I perhaps have only four years left to my life before I finally die.  And that really is an attractive thought.  Because the sooner I die.  The sooner I don't have to struggle to drag around this bag of bones that my body has become.  The sooner I die.  The sooner I no longer have to suffer the indignation of living in the world where no matter what I do.  No matter how I present myself.  No matter what gender I might display myself as nothing is ever good enough because I'm not good.  I never have been.

So that's fine.  Everybody got what they wanted.  Including me.  I'm left alone, which I enjoy and my only companions are my four cats my darling Aileen and God.

Thank you very much for listening.