Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Walking to the Store

I started walking to the store at 6:45 AM.  And the store is basically two blocks away.  And I got back from the store at 8 AM.  That's an indication of how long it takes me to walk.  In any event, I got the cats some Food.  I bought a few things to get me through until the third.  And I saw some old friends I haven't seen in the last several years.

I know I am really a very difficult person to know in a lot of ways.  I understand that.  But that's because my life is and has always been extremely difficult.  I have never once really had an easy day.  Because if it wasn't something I had to do.  Then it was of course.  Back pain or spinal pain or pain of one form or another.  So when I am really hard on people like how I talk about the good people of Texas.  And they are really basically good people.  I lived in Texas for four years in Houston.  But my family has been associated with Texas ever since my mother and her brother left the farm in Sweet Springs, Missouri.  And my mother was actually born in 1917.  And my father was born in 1907.

there are a lot of years where my family did everything they could to support the good people of Texas.  And my purposes for going after people about gun ownership and so forth is because I actually do have a very comprehensive understanding of a lot of other factors that are facing humanity.  Factors that have nothing to do, at least on the surface, with the economics or religion or politics.  Humanity is facing an environmental conditions or set of conditions in the world which are going to be extremely challenging.  I mean they are going to be so challenging that the majority of people here on Earth are probably not going to survive.

But I don't talk about those things right now, because doing so is absolutely the worst idea in the world.  In my mind, why would I want to talk about the extremely catastrophic changes taking place in our world at a time when there is so much hatred and conflict in our world.  That talking about these other things going on is only going to increase the level of distrust and hatred?  Because that's really what is going on.  As humanity begins to realize that resources are running low.  And that living space on the planet is becoming more precarious.  The worst type of behavior is coming out in humanity.  Meaning humans instead of trying to learn how to love each other and work with each other are in fact trying to dominate each other and to cheat each other and to steal from each other and to hate each other.

And that's just not going to work.  Ladies and gentlemen.  It is not going to work.  As I have said a number of times.  My darling wife, Aileen Terra, who died of liver cancer in 2010.  Watching her die was absolutely the most significant event that has ever happened to me in my entire life.  Nothing under any circumstances can be compared with what happened while I watched my darling wife die right in front of me.

And that's why I am taking a tough line with her brother, Claude.  Just like it is why I am taking a tough line with the Republicans and with the Catholics and Christians.  And my fellow Jews and my wonderful brothers and sisters who were Muslims throughout this world.  Everyone of you.  Whether you realize it or not is inside my heart and my mind and my soul.  Every single one of you including the members of the tea party.  You are all brothers and sisters to my heart.  And I love every one of you is much as I love my darling Aileen.  So I become passionate.  Because I don't want you to do worse.  I want you to do better.  Owning guns in trying to kill each other.  Maybe a really romantic idea.  With regard to the Bill of Rights and the Constitution of these United States.

And in point of fact, without firearms, United States would never have had the ability to challenge the existing government at the time in order to create one of the most amazing and singular experiments in the history of the world.  And that experiment of course was the Constitution.  And it is still, the Constitution.  So firearms were always a part of the United States.  But it's important to remember that the very first gun was actually created in China.  And firearms would never have been further improved in the Western world had it not been for Marco Polo.  Because it was Marco Polo, meeting with Confucius, who actually brought back gun powder from China.  Which is how the first firearms in the Western world were made.

But the fact remains, that guns were not sanctioned by God.  When you read the Old Testament, meaning the Jewish version of the Bible.  It comes from the dead sea scrolls.  What you are looking at again, is really not the word of God.  But what you are looking at is a kind of history of what was being written down about what was happening at the time.  And throughout history we humans have actually been able to validate some of those things as having actually taken place.  So consequently, the 10 Commandments has a very high degree of probability that those Commandments were actually created on Mount Sinai.  Now whether they were created by God or whether they were carved out by Moses.  Doesn't really matter.  Because the end result of those 10 Commandments is that we, humans, were given a kind of cultural map to be able to live with each other without trying to murder each other.

And the same is true with the New Testament and the sermon on the mount.  Watching those children die in 1968 was so horribly damaging to me that as I said, I had a major nervous breakdown in 1989.  A lot of people become embarrassed when they talk about having a nervous breakdown.  That I don't.  Because I look at my nervous breakdown as a kind of medal of valor.  Because I actually continued to survive.  Regardless how damaged my body is or how damaged my personality is.  I still keep going.

And as I said, growing up with my mother and father was absolutely read Dick Euless.  My mother and father were probably not much different than a lot of other people.  It's true, that my father actually knew many if not most of the Hollywood movie stars.  He used to double date with Bing Crosby.  He was WC Fields lawyer for almost 6 years.  He used to play cards with the Marx Brothers.  The new Caesar Romero and Dean Martin.  He was friends with Bob Hope.  And he actually even knew as an acquaintance, Howard Hughes.

My mother, was basically so trapped on the farm in Sweet Springs, Missouri.  That when her brother, Bud Hicks, moved to Fort Worth, Texas.  My mother went in the other direction.  My mother became a fashion model.  And then eventually connected with the criminal underworld where she was basically a call girl.

So growing up in the Maschke household was extremely strange.  And the reason for that is because as I've said before, even though my mother, a Catholic, married a Jew.  She would not allow under any circumstances for anything Jewish to be celebrated in our home.  And she basically hated me because my body had all these imperfections physically where as a result, by age 13.  I actually had breasts that were the size of approximately 36 C. and of course I had no Adam's apple.  So my parents were as I said, like a lot of other mothers and fathers.  But they were millionaires.  And they did everything they could to spoil.  Mary and me.  Mary of course with my sister.  And from what I have been told by people who knew me at the time.  Growing up I was pretty much the class clown.  And because I was so small.  I mean, I was really extremely short.  And because of that I had to be a bit more mouthy in order to be able to either talk my way out of a difficult situation or to defend myself using my ability to talk.

And as I said, growing not the Catholics hated me because my father was Jewish.  And the Jews hated me because my mother was Catholic.  But as a result of growing up in the way that I did.  People are telling me that when I was growing up I was basically the class clown.  But the same is not being said or has not been set of my sister Mary.  People have told me over the years, that Mary was actually the one of the two of us who was extremely selfish.  People are telling me I was always willing to share anything I had.

But the moment I saw the first child die when I was recovering from my spinal fusion.  The moment I saw that, everything changed.  Everything.  I no longer cared about any of my family's money.  I was so heartbroken watching those children die one after another.  That I dedicated my entire life to trying to be a voice on their behalf.  And of course I probably didn't do as well as other people I have.  But then I wasn't really concerned with being famous or being the best voice or the strongest voice.  I didn't really care about that.  I just wanted to be a voice.  So when I see the Catholics and Christians of Texas or the Republican Party or the tea party behaving the way they are.  I don't hate any person in this world.  Because in my mind and in my heart and my soul.  God or the energy that we call why so many different names, as God, created everything.  The Buddhists call God Buddha.  The Muslims call God Allah.  The Jews call God Jehovah.  The Catholics call God, Jesus Christ.  So it doesn't matter.  The atheists call God energy.  The Wiccans and pagans call God, the gods.

It doesn't matter.  We are all brothers and sisters in this world.  Whether we like it or not we are.  We are one family.  And I know that is really disturbing to some people who are.  Narrowminded.  But that is the reality.  We are all related.  We are one family.  The family of humankind.  So when I go after the people in Texas or the Republican Party or the tea party, I am doing so on the basis.  Because I want the Republican Party and the tea party to do better.  I want them to actually do better.  I favor competition.  I think that having the tea party and the Republican Party and the Democratic Party in this country is a really great idea.  Because having these three parties together working, many times in opposition to each other, provides a tremendous amount of intellectual discovery and conversation and debate and education.  Because again, we are all brothers and sisters.  There is no difference between a Republican who has lost their child as compared to a Democrat.  There is no difference between someone who is gay and who has lost their partner to that of someone who is a biological man or a biological women who have lost each other in marriage.  There is no difference.  The only differences are what we apply politically and economically.  But there is no difference.  When someone loses their partner or they lose their child.  It doesn't matter what color they are.  What political party.  They are or where they are living it just doesn't matter.  The level of loss and the level of pain and agony is exactly the same.

I become passionate because I want all of you to do better.  I'm being tough with Aileen's brother, Claude.  Because I want to laud to do better.  I don't want to see him making the same mistakes that my parents made with me.  And that's exactly what is happening with Claude.  He is caving in to the wishes of his daughter and his granddaughter to such an extent that he's almost going broke trying to give them everything in the world.  And that's not the way to raise a child.

Part of the beauty of the human condition is our ability to invent and to create and to discover and to surmount almost any challenge that we are faced with.  If you give your children everything.  Meaning you are giving them every single kind of gadget.  You can and you are basically ruining yourselves economically to buy them every kind of toy did you can.  Then you are basically cheating your children.  Even though my family was a family of millionaires.  I actually began working when I was around nine years old.  And I know that sounds strange.  Why would I have to work at nine years old when my family was a family of millionaires?  I didn't have to work.  Because of the money.  I had to work.  Because even though my father was associated with gangsters.  He always believed in hard work.  And that's how he raised me.  To believe in hard work.

If you give your children also sort of toys and gadgets without trying to have them stretch their minds then you are giving them nothing.  If you feel your children's heads with all sorts of racism and bigotry and prejudice and extremely distorted aspects of what really is the truth, then not only are you lying to your children, which are basically trying to change the world.  Because of your own failings of being able to understand the world.

There should be no reason why the revisionists are trying to rewrite history.  Just because they hate the Jews.  That's absolutely stupid.  Because Jesus Christ actually was crucified for being a Jew.  If Catholics and Christians can understand that we Jews are their brothers and sisters in those Catholics and Christians don't really understand their own religion.  If the Muslims in this world.  And my fellow Jews don't understand that they are actually from the same family.  Meaning the same father but a different mother.  And yet my brothers and sisters who are Muslims and my fellow Jews are so full of hatred that they have been trying to kill each other for thousands of years.  And why?  No one is going to win.  That kind of ugly fighting is not going to produce anything except more of ugliness.

We at the human condition have to do better.  The environmental conditions that are going to be taking place or at least have a very strong probability of taking place, over the next 100 years, are going to make the living environment in the world far more challenging than anyone could ever imagine.  Millions are going to die.  And I'm not talking about some terrible cataclysmic event, I'm talking about the fact that the Earth is getting older.  And things are not working as well as they used to.  And additionally, that the Earth is slowly having a more difficult time providing enough oxygen on the surface of the planet to support all of the life living in the world.  So, consequently, a lot of people are going to die.

If all we can do is human beings is to try and hate each other and try to judge each other as if one of us is better than someone else.  We are not actually understanding the nature of our own species.  There have been remarkable inventions and various amazing aspects of creativity in every single culture in this world.  If we turn our backs on any aspect of what we have learned as human beings.  That knowledge will be lost.  And I don't think that any of us as mothers and fathers want to give our children a broken world.  But if we don't give them honesty and if we don't give our children a sense of hope.  If we don't teach them love.  If we don't teach them.  Mutual respect for each other.  Then the problems we are going through right now are only going to get extremely much worse.  And they will be getting much worse, while at the same time the living environment in the world will become so challenging that.  As I said, millions will die.

And it's not up to me, ladies and gentlemen.  I'm 62 years old and my body is slowly, and I mean that.  My body is very, very slowly dying.  But that's just reality.  Nobody lives forever.  And my darling Aileen had so many hopes for this world.  She was like me.  A dreamer.  A believer in the things that we could not see.

I know these economic issues facing the world are extremely important.  And everyone has an opinion.  And everybody believes they know more than anyone else.  All I can tell you as honestly as I can from my heart to yours.  Is that when I died for those 5 min. I actually did see everything.  I saw everything that ever existed everything that was existing at that moment and everything that would ever exist till the end of time.  And if you think that didn't make my head spin around then you're wrong.  Because it did.  It was a life-changing experience.  And seeing all of that stuff take place basically ruined my life.  Because all these years.  Hardly anyone has ever believed.  And yet it actually did happen.  It didn't happen.  Because I wanted it to.  It didn't happen.  Because I'm anything special.  Because I'm not.  I'm just different.  That's all.  I'm just a very different kind of human being.  That's all I am.  But it did happen.  And religion calls what happened to me as my being in front of or speaking with God.  I don't really like to get too involved with all of that religious junk.  Because when I was in front of all of that stuff.  None of the religious words seemed applicable at all.  Because I was looking at everything.

But when I was looking at everything I saw very clearly how we as human beings are failing each other.  Were not acting like a family.  Were not acting like we actually love each other.  Were not trying to protect each other, which is why all of these different religious personalities all through history gave their lives.  They died so that we would protect each other and we are not.  Because if we were trying to protect each other.  Then we would not have so many wars based on hatred.  And we have to stop.  Whether we like it or not.  We just have to.  Because if we don't stop the violence, the violence will stop us.  And when that happens.  Well when that happens the death toll will be just not only extremely ugly, but it's going to be extremely embarrassing.  Because we really are better than that.  We are better than a bunch of rabid animals trying to murder each other.  We are sentient human beings.  We are all children of God.  Whether you call it God or Buddha or Allah or Jehovah.  It doesn't matter whether you call it energy or the gods makes no difference.  We are all children of God.  And I use the word God.  Not religiously is much as I use the word God spiritually.

I have a tremendously acute knowledge of exactly how things are going to play out.  Because I have seen exactly how it's going to happen.  Plus, as I said, Aileen's father who was a manager at NASA was actually a genius in mathematics.  And his associate, Dr. Alan Armstead, was actually one of the leading physicists in the entire world.  And I did meet with Dr. Armstead that one time for about six hours.  Dr. Armstead was actually the physicist in the United States who was assigned by NASA to hand the global warming research material to President Bush.  And, according to Dr. Armstead President Bush and the Republicans decided that they would not put any kind of stock in or give any support for that global warming research.  Which was probably a very serious mistake.

Because the time on Earth is in fact changing so dramatically that over the next hundred years.  People are going to have a very difficult time surviving.  That doesn't mean a lot to people who are my age.  But it certainly does mean a lot to our children and to their children.  At all we can do is to continue to support killing each other and hating each other.  But that's the best we can do that not only have we not really learned anything about what it means to be human beings.  But it also means that we basically don't give a damn whether our species survives or not.  And that's no way to demonstrate our intelligence to whatever energy.  There is beyond this world that we all call God why so many different names.  God didn't create us out of a sense of racism or hatred or desire to kill each other.  God created all of us out of a sense of love.  And it's about time that all of us put up and shut up and start actually trying to love each other.  Because we are running out of time.  Within about 100 years cultures throughout the world are going to go through extremely very terrible and extremely frightening changes.  Some of these changes actually go back to earlier cultures that have been based upon racism or hatred of one kind or another.

The economics of our world have become so filled with dishonesty and lying and cheating that the entire economic system for the global economics of this world is on the verge of collapse.  All because we can't agree on how to love each other.  The wealthy hate the poor and the poor hate the wealthy the Republicans hate the Democrats and the Democrats take the Republicans and the tea party hates everyone.  This is not going to work, ladies and gentlemen.  And it doesn't matter whether we are talking about the United States or Germany or the UK or France or Spain or Russia.  It just doesn't matter.  Mothers and fathers are the same regardless where they are living.  A mother and father in Moscow loves their children every bit as much as we love our children here in the United States.  And those children deserve the same hope and the same happiness that we want for our own children.  But because of all of our hatred and our mistrust and our distrust.  We would rather kill each other and try to do what God did when God created all of us.  Which is to love each other.  It's the one thing we have a hard time doing.

And it's not just about religion, ladies and gentlemen.  There really isn't the views that, atheists have of the world is no less valid then the view of anyone in any religion.  We are all brothers and sisters.  We are all in this together.  I'm not a wealthy person.  I don't have lots of money.  I'm not very well known.  I'm not very well liked.  But I have always maintained in my life a sense of duty to my fellow human beings to do everything I could in whatever small way to try and make the world a better place.  That's all I have ever been trying to do.  And again I'm not going to deny that I have not been clumsy as I have been extremely clumsy and some of the things I tried to do.  But just because I'm clumsy doesn't mean I'm stupid.  It just means I'm clumsy.  And I'm not going to stop trying to help all of you by sharing my observations based on what I'm seeing taking place.  Not because I'm trying to get anyone to see things my way, but just because I'm trying to explain what I am seeing.  And then to ask questions like, is this the best we can do?

Humanity actually has very little significance to the entire spectrum of life throughout the universe.  Because humanity is really very tiny as one of the billions of different lifeforms that exist in the universe.  But what is not so small about humanity is our creativity what we have invented what we have learned what we have created.  Humanity's ability to always keep going to keep trying.  The matter what happens.  And in that regard, humanity isn't really much different than the ant.  Because on and will actually do the same thing that we are doing.  And ant will do everything it can to keep going and to keep surviving.  Just like we do.  The only difference is that we have language.  And that is not only a difference but a stumbling block as well.

So, I am going to continue to be bombastic.  I am going to continue to be in your face, so to speak.  I am going to continue to attack different forms of behavior.  When I see that kind of behavior or a kind of behavior that is actually harming the future of our species.  Guns and killing are not helping anyone anymore.  If all we can do is to support killing each other.  Then we again have learned nothing from our various religions and we have learned nothing from all of the history of thousands and thousands of years.  Where we have done nothing but try to murder each other.  And my heart breaks.  I mean it.  My heart just literally breaks when I think about how we are destroying ourselves.  Because of our desire to be violent or to be better than the next person.  When in reality when you die, there is no better.  Aileen was no worse or better than any other brilliant or amazing human soul who faces their last moment in this world.

We are the ones who applied at different.  Not God but then of course even when I say these things in my Journal.  There are probably 1000 people or more who are probably rushing forward to call me a liar for saying nasty things about me.  And that's okay.  God knows my soul and those of you who actually do read my Journal.  You know my heart.

When I tell lots of jokes it's usually because I'm in a lot of pain.  The more pain I am in the more jokes I tell.  I can't really explain it.  I know it's a kind of defense mechanism.  It's just how I get through.  I don't ever mean any harm.  But the pain I live with throughout my body is rather bad.  And there are millions of people in this world who understand chronic pain.  And you, my brothers and sisters who live with pain.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.  The pain gets so bad that you feel like you're eyeballs are rolling around on the floor.  That kind of pain.  So when the pain gets bad I made jokes.  And I have a great sense of humor, so I am told her that.  Partially because not only have I been mentally ill.  Since I was four years old.  But because I have been around death and confronted with death so very much in my life.  And as I said, there have been three, and I think possibly for different times in my life when I actually did see death.  But it doesn't look like anything in the movies.  It really doesn't.  Mostly whenever I saw death.  It was nothing more than a kind of out of focus area of what I was looking at.  But I knew I was looking at death.  And I'm like most of you.  You death wants to come and grab hold of me death had better bring an army.  Because I will not go quietly.

My agreement is with God, not with death.  And I promised God.  When I died for those 5 min. that I would do everything in my power to try to warn all of you about what I saw coming.  But like I said, most people think it's a better idea to laugh at me and call me stupid because I'm a half breed Jew.  And I think that's really a mistake.  Because I'm not stupid.  I'm severely damaged.  I am in many ways brokenhearted.  I live with a tremendous amount of physical and emotional and psychological and spiritual pain.  But I don't ever look at any of my pain as being as a result of someone else.  When I talk about grief and how Claude, Aileen's brother is actually causing my health problems to get worse.  That's true.  But I don't blame Claude.  I blame myself because I don't have a better understanding how to be stronger.  But I talk about what's going on with Claude.  Because there are millions and millions of wonderful men and women and absolutely amazing children throughout this world who are going through this kind of loss right now.  So, as just another one of all of you.  Just another human being.  I'm trying in whatever way I possibly can.  Here in my Journal to talk about what I see happening.  So that our children will have the possibility and the potential of making better choices.

My darling Aileen was in quite as all true as thick as that.  She always believed that a certain amount of people in the world needed to basically die because the world was too full of people.  I never felt that way.  I always felt that humanity had the creativity and inspiration to be able to accommodate all these people.  And I still feel that way.  And part of the reason I feel that way is because of how I was raised.  The one phrase in the Bible.  That is one of my favorite phrases simply says.  If God will not allow the smallest sparrow to fall to the ground.  Then why, should we, as the creations of that God, do any less?

And that's with this Journal is all about.  I'm trying to reach out to all of you.  I don't know hardly any of you.  I don't live where you are living.  I don't see you go through your days and nights.  Hardly any of you communicate with me.  And when some people do communicate with me.  They laugh at me and call me stupid, because I have typos in what I write.  But they of course don't realize that my hands have a very hard time using the keyboard or the mouse.  And that I actually have a speech impediment in my mouth.  In addition to my voice having issues.  Because I'm a throat cancer survivor.  So when people attack me because of my typographical errors I feel sort of bad.  Because I really am trying as hard as I can.  I'm sorry I can't go out into the world and be stronger.  But it's really hard for me to breathe sometimes.  And, according to a lot of the doctors I've spoken with, the pipe tobacco really doesn't do anywhere near as much is simply the fact that my bones are getting older.  And I'm not really afraid of that.  I know there is fear their.  That there is fear that I could tap into.  If I wanted to.  But I refuse to do that.  I'm not going to be afraid to go back to God.  That's not the way I want to stand in front of that which created me.  I don't want to stand in front of God.  With fear in my soul.  I would rather stand in front of God with fear.  When I go in front of God.  I want to go with love in my heart and celebrating my life.  When I go before God.  I want to thank God for giving me my life.  And for giving me the opportunity to try to make as many friends as I have tried to make here in this world.  I want to thank God for giving me the life I have had.  I want to thank God for the kindness of all of the wonderful people and companies who have tried to help me throughout my life.  I want to thank God for all of the good things and all of the bad things that have happened in my life, which made me stronger and made me more aware of my duty as a human being to love my fellow humans and to love God as well.

I'm not going to deny that there is a certain amount of me that is afraid of dying.  But the other party is that I have already died once.  Meaning I've already been there.  So I sort of know what to expect.  And in my way of thinking, I'm not dying.  I'm just going home.

So it's coming up to a new year, ladies, John.  Every single one of us has choices.  Every single second.  We have the choice as to whether to be hateful or the choice to be kind.  People who see me as hateful don't really know me.  I would give my life.  This very second and die happily if my death would stop humanity from trying to kill each other.  And I've said that to God many times.  If my death will stop humanity from killing each other.  I would be happy to die this instance.  But I'm not saying that because I don't believe the my death will change anything.  I'm saying that because if there is a possibility that my death might actually stop humans from killing each other.  I would have no problem giving my life for that kind of thing to happen in this world.

But that's how much I love humanity.  And that doesn't make me special.  Please don't ever think that.  Please don't ever think I'm trying to be like any specific religious personality.  Because that's not true.  I'm saying these things because they have always made sense inside of my mind and inside of my brain and my heart.  I'm saying these things because I really do love each and everyone of you so much and it just hurts me so badly to see us tearing each other apart.  We have so much potential of being friends.

While I was walking of course it was extremely cold and it was very dark.  But I've done a lot of walking in my life.  One year when I was living in Denver.  I actually had to walk 8 miles one way to go to work and then 8 miles to go home.  So I would start looking at about 2 AM in order to be at work by the time I was supposed to begin work.  So I'm very used to walking on snow-covered roads with cars and things.  I've done that a lot in my life.  There were many times I did not have a car.  Just like out of 62 birthdays I have had in my life between 30 and 35 of those birthdays were spent completely alone.  I had no family around.  I had no friends and so I had to make my own kind of celebrations.  Or not.  So I did.  And that's why I am able to find tremendous amounts of happiness in some of the smallest things in this world.

But as I was walking, every time a car would go by I would smile and wave.  And why not?  There's no difference between any of us.  We're the ones to make that difference.  So I'm transgendered.  So what.  My Transgenderism simply means that I live as a woman and in my heart and in my mind living as a woman has done nothing but increase my respect for women my compassion for women.  My admiration for them.  Living as a woman has made me really appreciate women.  So greatly in my life.  The reality is, as we all know, my mother, my birth mother, of course, was a woman.  And with her dying breath, she pushed me on shore.  She begged God to please protect us child.  And in my heart and mind, and in my soul, I always have believed God heard her.

People have asked me what I intend doing.  If I ever see my love of mother on the other side.  My answer is always the same.  When I finally have the opportunity to meet my beloved mother.  The only thing I'm going to do is to say thank you.  That's all I ever really want to do.  Just say, thank you.  Thank you mom for giving your life.  So I could have mine.  Thank you for doing everything you could to make sure I would be born.  Thank you.  My darling mother for saving my life.  Because mom, but you saving my life.  Look at how many lives you are actually  able to save.  Look at what remarkable things happened mom from you dying and pushing me your baby on shore.  You gave me the ability and the opportunity to reach out to so many people people who were in need.  Sometimes simply in need of someone to be a friend or sometimes in need of someone to answer a question.  Or maybe to simply hold their hand.  You gave me the ability and the opportunity to live in this world where everyone is talking about hatred and instead for me to remind people how wonderful it is when we say hello to each other.

That's all I want to do.  When I see my mother.  I just want to say thank you.  I don't want anything from her.  I just want to say thank you.  Even though I made lots of jokes about how I talked to God.  And even though I come across like some really tough person inside.  I have so much respect for life I have so much respect for other people.  Of course I get passionate or I get confused or my heart breaks because of how we are suffering.  Of course it does.  I'm human.  What would you expect me to feel?  But through it all I hope all of you who are reading this will know how much I love you.  How much I love the political process a much I love spirituality how much I love we as humanity.  With all of our marvelous and amazing abilities.  I love you all so much.  There's part of me that would love to walk around this entire world.  And just go up to people and simply shake their hand and to say thank you.  There are really amazing business people in every country in this world.  Business people who go out of their way to make things easier for other people.  There are wonderful amazingly fantastic hourly workers and minimum-wage workers.  People with hardly any money.  Who are unbelievably fantastically kind people.  It doesn't matter where they live.  Whether they lived in Moscow or Brazil or Chicago or London or Paris or New York.  It doesn't matter.  Whether they live in Tokyo or Hong Kong or Sydney, Australia again it makes no difference.  There are so many of us in this world who are really amazingly compassionate to each other.  I love how we humans have that ability.  The ability to be kind.

It's just like when I look at our education system.  Meaning our educational system.  And I see young adults racing after 1° or another.  Just so that they can go and get a job.  I wonder about what's happening to education.  What about the other degrees.  Like geology or archaeology or anthropology or medicine, or law, or art or music or literature?  What about humanity's?  If all we do is teach our children to jump through hoops to get a piece of paper so they can get a job and more money.  Then we are really teaching them.  Because if we don't pay attention to all these other areas of knowledge.  Then we are basically turning our back on a lot of our own future.  And I don't think that's a very wise thing to do.

When I was in college I didn't choose degrees on the basis of how much money I would earn in the world.  When I was in college I was choosing courses because I really wanted to learn.  And most of the learning I did in my life.  I actually did outside of the classroom.  I did on my own.  Which I still do to this very day.  I read, on average, every single day, between 200 and 300 news articles every single day.  I researched all the time.  I'm studying all the time.  And why?

Because in my heart and in my mind and in my soul.  All of you and your children and their children deserve that kind of effort from me.  You deserve for me to put up and shut up and do everything I possibly can to learn as much as I can with my life.  So that I can share that here in my Journal and ask you hard questions.  And just like I tried to never fail my darling Aileen.  I'm also trying not to fail any of you.

It doesn't matter if someone hates me or not.  It really doesn't matter.  Because when I finally die and get to the other side, all that hatred won't mean anything.  Because God doesn't really feel hatred.  That's something we created.  Not God.  At least when I was standing in front of everything which I consider to be God, that is one thing I did not see.  I did not see the emotion of hatred.

So if someone really hates me.  All that's okay.  I don't have a problem with that.  Why would I?  If someone wants to hate me.  That is their own choice.  If Claude wants to be really angry with me because I am showing tough love to him.  That's his choice.  It's not my choice.  It's history.  Just like every one of us has choice or the Republican Party and the tea party right now have a choice to avert the financial cliff.  But they are choosing not to.  And that's exactly what is being seen by everyone around the world.  Everyone around the world is seeing the Democrats ready to make a deal and saying the Republicans basically saying to the world, go to hell.  That doesn't mean these Republicans are bad and horrible people.  It just means they are making the choice to be mean and cruel.  Because their choices are making things extremely difficult for the people with the least amount of money in this world.  And yet these Republicans and tea party people claim to be good Christians.  Yet they are attacking the very people that their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was crucified for protecting.

So we all have choices.  Everyone of us has a choice every single second.  We can choose to be kind or we can choose to be mean.  No one is putting a gun to our head and making us behave in any certain way.  When we behave in a negative way or hateful way we are doing that on our own.  God has nothing to do with it.  Which is why even though I am absolutely the eternally grateful to God and to all of my wonderful fellow Clevelanders and to the wonderful people in the United States for allowing me to stay in my home.  So that I can die in my home.  I mean that.  I am really eat Turnley grateful to everyone in the United States and all of my wonderful fellow Clevelanders for allowing me to stay in my home.  And I thank God for that everything will day.

It's now 10 AM.  I got back from my walk at 8 AM.  So it's been two hours.  And now I am finally at the place where I can actually washed my face for the day.  And I have to do laundry and I have to clean up the house a little.  And I have to get ready for January 3.  Because that's when I get my check.  So I have to pay the bills and do the shopping and get the money orders so that everything gets taken care of.  Plus I have to write letters or a letter to Metro so that I can have my medical records transferred to the new medical provider.  I have a really huge amount of things to take care of this month.  But that's okay.  Being busy keeps me off the streets.

In any event, for those of you who have read this far in this Journal entry.  I hope you will know how much I really do love everyone including you in every way that you can imagine.  My love for my darling Aileen is the exact same strength of love I have for all of you.  The only difference is that my love for Aileen.  My darling Aileen is because she was and is, in my heart and my soul my wife.  My friend.  My love.  My soulmate.  She is all things to me.  But so are all of you.  Just in a different way.  And I love all of you just as much.

So I'm going to get something to eat.  And I know I have to do those petitions.  But I really am rather tired.  So I'm going to get something to eat and then I'm going to watch a little TV and get my strength back.  That walk really was strenuous.  Don't even ask me about how my legs and feet feel.

And all of my wonderful friends on Facebook who have been saying happy birthday and to anyone else who says that.  Please forgive me for not responding as of yet.  I will try to respond to everyone sometime today.  But I didn't expect for that walk to be as strenuous as it was.  And I didn't expect to pick up this flu virus, which I got last night.  So please know I really am trying my best.  I'm doing everything I possibly can.  Please know that I am trying as hard as I can.  And I will keep going.  One way or the other.  Sometimes fast.  Sometimes slow.  But ever onwards.

Thank you so very much for listening.

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