Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Train Wreck

is there a really crummy day.  I did not get a shower like I wanted.  I didn't wash my face.  But I was on the phone all morning arguing with Metro meaning Metro Hospital.  And that basically got me nowhere.  So I am in the midst of attempting to locate a new doctor at the HMO facility or hospital that is covered by United healthcare.

I guess I could say that in some ways I feel cheated.  Because I don't have any real access to anyone in the mental health field be able to talk to to work through the problems I'm going through.  I'm having trouble using my hands.  And I don't really have any help available.  My wife is dead.  So I'm definitely not feeling very good.  And the pain I'm having today is so significant that I am probably going to have to lean back and rest.  Even some more.  I really feel useless.  But I am still trying to find good things to think about every day.  Mostly I feel used up.

December is actually turning out to be very similar to what July, was for me.  But I'm very tired.  My hand is killing me.  Meaning it hurts a lot.  My back and my neck are also giving me a lot of problems.  I probably should've taken that shower today.  But I'm going to try again tomorrow to get it done.  I did eat.  So that's a good thing.  But the feelings of wanting to not be here the feelings of wanting to die are really very strong right now.  I am so grateful that Dragon NaturallySpeaking my speech program is able to pick up my voice the way it is right now and still operate correctly.  That really means a lot.  If I didn't have my speech program I would be able to use my computer.

The sadness right now is pretty much overwhelming.  My heart is breaking.I miss my darling Aileen so badly right now.  I can barely think straight.  My right hand is under the electric blanket.  That's basically where I am planted at this time.  Everything.  Well, I just don't really feel that good.  I'm having so much meaning that I can't even figure out which one to concentrate on.  That's a good day.

I am going to go back and rest.  Maybe I'll get lucky this time and I will wake up.  There's always hope.

Thank you very much for listening.