Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Picking up Speed

now that I'm beginning to feel a lot better.  Well I can say this for sure.  The last few days have been like hell.  The wasn't my hands.  It was my legs and if it wasn't my legs.  It was breathing problems and it wasn't breathing problems.  It was my back.  I'm finding out that the course of the Bible is actually a lot more important than I thought.  Because it's probably not a good idea for me to wear the corset nonstop.  But I probably should where it for a little bit of time every day because it really does help to support my back.  So that's something else.  I've had to get my mind around.

The arthritis in my left hand is of course getting worse.  I'm already having a certain amount of trouble being able to pick up a heavy coffee cup.  I'm having to almost hold a coffee cup with two hands in order to be able to hold it because my right hand has so much arthritic junk going on that I can't hardly hold a cup with my right hand anymore.  I'm still able physically, to do things like wash the dishes and take care of the house.  And I can do my makeup.  With using the mouse and the keyboard and doing certain other things that require a certain amount of manual dexterity are becoming a lot more difficult.  Which means my speech program is now a lot more important than it used to be.  And I have thought about going back to using the headset microphone.  But every time I do I get the feeling that doing so is the worst idea in the world, so I don't do it because there's no reason to the desktop microphone is working fairly well for me.  And it's getting more accurate all the time.  And in the spring I should be able to have enough money to finally upgrade to Dragon NaturallySpeaking 12.  But I probably won't have that money until maybe April.  But at that time.  I plan on upgrading to Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 12.  But like I said it's going to take me until April before I have the money.  And as far as my own economic situation.  I pay the money that I do for my telephone service.  Partially because I want to give back to my brother-in-law, Claude, something nice.  For all those years.  I was married to Eileen Claude was always a very wonderful and helpful and loving brother.  He was anything you would ever want.  And because of that I have wanted to try to do something nice for Claude.  Because a lot of times you won't do those things for himself.  So, one of the things I have done is to add a second line to my cell phone account so that I could pay for a cell phone for Claude.  And I feel that's exactly what I should have done.  I feel that's exactly what Aileen would have wanted me to do.  And that's what I do.

I don't need a lot of food.  I'm not in a lot of trouble.  I'm not having any real problems other than the fact that my body is basically giving me a lot of issues.  But so what.  Nothing I have will ever compare with any of the suffering that is going on in this world, especially the suffering that these wonderful mothers and fathers are going through losing their children and the Connecticut nothing I have can ever compare with that kind of horrible wants.  I had my darling Aileen freed months before she died was never said and swift like what happened in the Connecticut.

So I don't ever want anyone to think that when I talk about my physical issues I'm trying to make them out to be anything significant.  Because I never considered them to be so.  I never consider what I have do be significant.  It's just junk I have to deal with.  But so what?  What I'm dealing with is no worse in any way.  Then what others are dealing with every single minute.  And if I have to use my body to the point where I'm basically dying in order to try to do this Journal and keep going forward to do everything I can to be a voice in this world.  However, smaller insignificant for the greater good.  That is what I will do.  I will do this Journal to my dying breath.  You can count on that.

But today.  Since I am actually feeling better.  I am finally going to try and do some things around the house that need to be done.  I did get the laundry up from downstairs.  But it took me a couple of days to do so.  Because the day after I did the laundry when I put the laundry into the dryer.  I noticed I was having trouble picking the laundry up from the floor.  Which then made me realized that I wasn't strong enough at that point to be able to take the laundry upstairs so I just left the laundry in the dryer and I finally took it upstairs yesterday.  So I have been putting off taking a shower and putting off mopping the floor.  And I'm going to try to do some of those things today.  I still haven't done any of my petitions, which I'm going to try to also do today.  So my plan is to first do all the petitions.  Which should take me about an hour or perhaps 90 min.  And then when I'm finally through my petitions.  I'm going to go ahead and take a shower and fix my hair and put my face on and sort of clean up the house a bit and then I'm going to rest.

My body is just having a lot of issues right now.  I suppose if I actually were to think about it.  That I have a rather good bit of pain going on inside me right now.  But it seems silly to list out all of my aches and pains.  Because not only does doing so not get rid of the pain.  But nobody really cares I know that.  Because nobody can really do anything about my pain.  I know that as well.  But the pain is quite high.  Today all through my hands and my legs and my back and my feet.  But I think that putting on the course.  It is going to help.  And I also think a really nice hot shower.  Well.  I also think putting on a fresh set of clothes and doing my hair and putting my face on, will also help me.

Because that's my challenge every day.  I have to try and find something every day to feel good about.  Something and some days when I get up.  The only thing I can feel good about is that I'm actually going to do my hair and make myself look nice even though nobody comes over, even though nobody ever comes to check on me.  Nobody calls.  Nobody comes by for a visit.  Because the only time people ever come over to my house is it they need something.  Hardly anybody comes over just for a visit.  I told this one neighbor of mine actually last night when they had been here for a couple of hours and then they suddenly explained that they needed a few cigarettes I told him that they should've asked me as soon as they came in.  That they didn't have to visit with me all that time and they said they didn't mind because they did enjoy visiting with me.  But they really did come over.  Because they needed some cigarettes.  So I gave them a number of the cigarette tubes I have and I gave them some tobacco and I told them if they need more to come back that one way or the other.  I would help them get through the month along with myself.  One way or the other.

So nobody ever really comes over just to visit with me.  When people come to my home.  It's normally because they need something or they want some that's the only time people ever call me or whenever they come to my home.  They never come just to visit or just to say low or to check on.  Because that's never really their major concern.  And that's okay with me.

I don't have a problem with that, but it means that when I'm looking for something to feel good about during the day that I have to try to be as creative as possible because a lot of days.  I don't have anything to really feel very good about because my wife is dead.  I'm 62 years old and my body is failing and I don't really have anyone giving me any kind of help whatsoever.  So there really isn't a lot for me to find to feel good about every day.  So some days the one thing that I have to feel good about may in fact be a movie on TV that I want to see or it may be because my speech program is operating better than it has.  Or like today the one good thing I'm feeling good about is that I'm going to take a shower and fix myself up and do my hair and my face and that is something that makes me feel good.  So I have something to feel good about.

At the same time.  I'm really tired.  I am really really tired.  And I want very badly to do the petitions.  But at the same time.  I know that I am so tired that I really need to take care of myself first.  So I may not get to the petitions until this afternoon.  Because when I get out of the shower I am usually in so much pain literally.  When I get out of the shower I am in so much pain, usually from the water hitting my back while the same time.  I'm feeling a certain amount of relief from the hot water.  But I'm in so much pain that I normally pass out for almost 30 min. when I get out of the shower.  That's just the reality of all.  And I always have to have something to eat before get into the shower.  Because the hot water on my back.  Accelerates the use of sugar in my system to the point where when I get out of the shower my sugar can be depleted where I can have a hypoglycemic reaction coming out of the shower were having trouble breathing, so I always have to eat before get into the shower and I can't take a shower for five or 10 min. I have to be there for a full 20 min. in order to give the hot water enough time to work on the nerves and the muscles of my back.

So my plan is to get something to eat.  And slowly watch a little TV while I'm having something to eat.  Then I'm going to go ahead and take a shower and fix my hair and do my face and then I probably am going to have to take a nap for about 90 min. to recharge.  Then I'm going to try and do some petitions and when my voice begins to flake out.  I will probably go back and take another nap.  Nobody is coming by this week.  Jackie may not be able to come up and see me on my birthday.  The hospital but I go to, that girl, basically is taking the attitude that they don't give a damn whether I go to their hospital or not.  So I may end up not having any psychiatrist at all.  So I may have to get in touch with United healthcare to be able to arrange for new psychiatrist at one of the HMO facility's the is part of the health not work for United healthcare.  And that's going to be a whole series of phone calls just there just to be able to get everything worked out, which I may do this afternoon.  Because of Metro doesn't call me back to resolve this problem about medical care.  There's no way I can continue going to Metro.  There's just no way I can afford it.  So that's another issue on my back.  Which is why I have to take things more slowly.  Because the tendency is for me to get reactive about these things and get angry or frustrated.  And I don't want to do that.  So I'm just going to go slow.  That's all I'm just going to slow down.

So I realized that my Journal probably is whatever.  But for those who are reading my Journal.  I hope you know that I'm doing my best.  I really am.  I'm trying harder that I have ever tried it anything in my entire life.  I'm working harder than I have ever worked in my entire life.  And it doesn't seem like work.  Because most of the work is being spent in my managing my pain.  But that's okay.  It is what it is.  And I don't give up.  I never give up.  No matter what.

So in any event, I hope those of you who are reading my Journal who actually do like me.  I hope you will understand.  I'm really trying my best.  I really am.  It's very embarrassing to me to be limited so much by all the different types of pain.  I'm dealing with.  I never liked any of those limitations being put on me.  So I always did my best to break through those limitations.  Like I'm trying to do now.  But I have to slow down and that's what I'm going to do today.

So I will probably write later.  But it's now 8 AM here in Cleveland.  So I probably will be finished putting myself together and having my hair fixed up to my face put on some time by around 10 AM.  And then I probably will get to my petitions.  Sometime around 2 PM or 3 PM this afternoon.  I might do some Journal posts from my cell phone.  Because I'm actually thinking of taking a bath instead of a shower today.  So that I can actually let my muscles soak in the hot water.  I think that might actually be the way to do things.  I'm so used to taking a shower that I almost don't know how to clean myself and the other way.  Because all of ever done.  Most of my life is take showers.  But because I have this really great bathtub I think I very well may just do that.  Take a bath.  It would be a lot easier on me, that's for sure.

Plus I could do other things while I was in the bathtub which I normally can't do because of the shower.  So I think that's probably what I'm going to start doing is taking baths.

In any event I'm losing my sugar again.  That's always such a wonderful feeling.  Not.  I will write later.  I really will.  I am actually feeling a lot better than I did yesterday.  I really am.  I feel a lot stronger than I did last few days.  Part of why the reason is for that I think has to do with the fact that I ate some spaghetti yesterday rather than simply have the same old rice.

So bear with me.  Please.  I'm always so amazed that people actually want to read what I write.  I'm always so amazed the people actually feel like I have any value to this world.  Because the people who feel that I have of value to this world.  Generally are seeing something that I don't even see in myself.  I'm very grateful.  Don't ever doubt that.

But it is now light enough for me to go over and give my darling Aileen or good morning kiss and open the shades for the day.  Which I'm going to do.  And then, like I said, I'm going to have something to eat and watch a little TV and then I'm going to learn how to take a bath again which I haven't done in years.  I think the last time I took a bath was probably 20 years ago.  Because all the rest the time I took showers.  I never took a bath.  I just always took a shower instead.  It just seemed easier.  But now taking a bath seems a lot easier than taking a shower and it also seems like it would be a lot more enjoyable.  So I'm going to definitely try that this morning.  That's something else to feel good about.  See.  There are always things you can find to feel good about.

So let me get to it.  I hope all of you know the matter who you are or where you are in this world.  I hope you know how deeply honored I am with you are reading my Journal.  I really hope you know that I have never had any kind of honor like this get to me in any way for people are actually reading my Journal at this point I am so gratified so grateful for everyone if you.  I don't know any of you.  And yet having you here that I can talk to it really does help.  It just helps a lot.  My heart is so broken over losing my darling Aileen my whole life has become just so broken from losing her.  But I am tough.  I don't give up.  So I will get through.  One way or the other.  I will get through.

Thank you very much for listening.