Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Meet the Most Spoiled Kids in the World - Yahoo! Finance

Meet the Most Spoiled Kids in the World - Yahoo! Finance

I couldn't resist.  As I've said many times.  I grew up in a family of millionaires.  And as I read this story I saw what my future would have been had I not walked away from the money.  Which I did.  I finally walked away from my parents money basically and 1975.  And then battled the next 10 years trying to completely separate myself from their opulence and their extreme wealth and all of the negative trappings that go along with that kind of money.  I didn't want any part of that kind of life.  I was and I still am much more concerned with the millions and millions of amazing children and wonderful men and women all over this world.  And of course in the United States who are suffering so badly every single day.  That means more to me than having money.

I'm actually okay.  I'm just going through a rough time at the holidays.  That's all that's happening.  But when I read this story.  I become acutely aware of how ugly I could have become had I stayed with my parents and their money and their drinking.  I am really glad I walked away.  At least when I die I will go to God as honestly as I possibly can.  Rather than being some spoiled rich brat.  And, according to what I have heard from people who knew me when I was small child.  I was never really that spoiled.  I was what one might call mouthy.  But I was not a mean child.  I was not a mean person.  I always was willing to share anything I had with anyone.  And I still am.

I have always thought having been raised in that kind of an environment that in reality the fault of a child becoming spoiled falls on the parents.  That the parents don't give the child the kind of guidance and so forth.  They need to appreciate money or to appreciate the cost of how much things actually cost.  So a lot of times when someone has a great deal of money.  They never really take much notice of how much things cost because they figure they can always simply by something new what they have breaks down.  So everything becomes extremely temporary.  That's one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in 1975 as I separated from my parents money.  I had to learn how to make things really last as long as they could.  And I've done that ever since.

I probably would give all the time I have left to live in my life.  If I could actually do something, anything, to help this world.  I have loved life.  All of my life.  I had to love life.  When I was growing up.  Because I was living a life with a tremendous amount of disability that hardly anyone could either see or understand.  And the same is true today.  When people see me.  They see me as being put together so well and looking so good and that's the truth.  There's not anyone who sees me when I go out when I have my face on my hair done.  It doesn't say exactly that.  That they are amazed at how well put together.  I am how young I look.  So they never are able to see all of the tremendous damage that I have going on throughout my whole body.  Nor are they ever able to see any of the pain that I'm living with all the time.  But the reality is that if you have done something as long as I have been doing it.  Meaning putting makeup on and doing my hair and making myself look presentable.  When you have done that for over 30 years.  You tend to get fairly good at being able to do what you are doing.  So basically my only excuse for looking so good.  When I put myself together is because I've been doing it for a long time and I'm fairly good at what I do.  That's all.

But more in line with these children.  Oddly enough, which is something that hardly anyone really knows.  My sister, Mary, was actually the real spoiled brat in the family.  There was a time.  Between the ages of five and 10.  When I actually almost became a spoiled brat.  But that was when my grandmother and I began to have really close conversations about what was going on in the house and how he felt my parents were basically abusing me as a result of their drinking and also when my grandmother began to suspect that.  Because I actually had breasts.  When I was 10 years old.  That he began to believe that in reality everyone had everything wrong.  That for whatever reason my body chemistry was such that I was born with female characteristics all throughout my body.  And my grandmother believed like I said, she was 80 years old and the Jewish lady.  But she believed when I was 12 years old.  That I should have been raised as a girl.  But more than that, my grandmother began to see how Mary was becoming a spoiled brat and my grandmother was German that.  No way was she going to let that happen to me.  Her feeling was that mom and dad my mother and father, may have been able to do that to Mary, but she did not want them to do that to me.

So that's when my grandmother basically told me that with everything that had happened that I should probably separate myself from the family money.  When I also at the same time came out about my Transgenderism.  Which is exactly what I did.

It's easy to become hypnotized by the collective crowd reaction throughout humanity with how we look at money.  So it becomes easy to put more importance on money.  Then there really should be.  I never worried about money.  Because the moment you start worrying about money is when you have less of it.  So I never concerned myself with anything other than what I need to simply pay the bills and have a little food to eat.  If I need something.  I go over my budget.  And I had back on whatever I can to make sure I can go forward to buy what I need.  It's just that simple.  But one thing that spoiled brats really don't understand is the concept of, less is more.  That's really where they end up falling down and becoming more spoiled rather than being able to get themselves more straight.

It's sad.  But it is the only way the it happens.  You either have to walk away from that money and become your own personal or you will end up becoming part of the money that is part of your family.  And if you give in to that you then will become just exactly the way that your parent's are and probably worse.  Because your parents earned that money and you simply got that money.  So your level of appreciation for that money is nowhere near what your parents have for that money.  Because they are the ones who earned the money you simply got the money.  And that's where or at least one of the places where children will end up becoming extremely spoiled.

There are wealthy children who do a tremendous amount of good in this world but we don't often hear about them.  It's much more enjoyable to read about the nasty people in our world.  The people who are selfish and spoiled and rock it's not three much fun to read about people who survive on nothing.  Because most people don't respect anyone unless they have lots of money.  Which is why most people don't respect what I say because I don't have lots of money and a lot of people think I'm stupid, because I walked away from the money but then there are others who actually feel that I made the right choice.

I'm really in a lot of pain right now.  I'm just going to have to stop.  I want so bad to get on with finishing my petitions and doing more articles.  But I'm just sort of running out of gas.  This is really very hard.  I had no idea how hard it is going to be.  There was a time in my life before I met my darling Aileen.  When one of the things I used to say all the time was, if I had known I was going to have this much fun in my life I would have had God kill me when I was born.  And then I would laugh.  Now, however, I'm not laughing about that much anymore.  I would really welcome to.  I would finally be able to rest.  I would finally be free.  45 years.  Constant pain.  That's what you're looking at when you read my Journal.  45 years without one single second ever passing without me being in excruciating pain.  I wonder why I'm still somewhat  sane.  Everyone I talk to doesn't have any idea how I'm able to get through.  They can imagine what it must be like to never know a single second without feeling horrible pain.  And in addition not taking any kind of pain medication.

It's funny.  The pain is now so bad that I'm having trouble opening my eyes.  So I have turned out the light above me to make it slightly darker in the room and checking the time.  I only have to get up a couple of more times before I can rest of the night.  I have to get up to do the dishes and clean the litter box.  And I have to get up to lower the blinds and turn on the house lights for the night of course say good night to my darling Aileen.  But those things don't happen for about another hour.

I haven't felt so tired in a very long time.

But I will keep going one way or the other.  That's what I do.  No matter what.  That's what I do.  The only way I will ever stop is when either I die or when someone kills me.  So I will just keep going no matter what.

My heart is palpitating slightly.  That's probably just a little bit of low sugar but like I said.  Maybe I'll get lucky.  Maybe the next time I close my eyes God will finally let me go.  Everybody keeps telling me the same thing.  Which is sort of strange.  Everybody keeps telling me the  reason why I'm not dying is because God isn't finished with me here on Earth that I still have something to do.  Which doesn't make any sense to me.  I am the least of all in this whole world.  I am like invisible I am so insignificant.  I know that I have always known that.  So what the hell up.  But God have for me to do?  God can surely check on someone else to do whatever for them to do he doesn't have to pick on someone like me.  I'm the least of all the should ever even talk to as far as doing anything.  Because no one even wants to listen to me.  Anyhow.  So why would God emerges me to do anything because no one wants to listen to me.  No one pays attention.  So what's the point?

But everybody I talk to tells me the same thing.  The God is not finished with me and that there is another reason why I'm still living.  I just wish the hell I knew what it was.  I wish I knew what the hell God wanted me or wants me to do.  But I probably will never know that.  I am so fed up.  I'm fed up with everything.  I'm fed up with the medical care in this world.  I'm fed up with all of the rushing to money.  I'm fed up with our world being so consumed with hatred and fighting for all we ever do is fight anymore.  No one wants to say hello anymore.  The only time people ever come by to even look in on me is it they need something.  Why doesn't anyone ever come by just to say hello?  Why doesn't anyone ever come by just to see if I'm okay?  Why doesn't anyone come by to offer any kind of assistance like perhaps carrying something upstairs for me?  If I needed any more convincing that I don't matter to this world.  I wouldn't have to look any further than just my own life to see how much disregarded.  For people like me.

Everybody gets all worried and concerned about different acts of violence.  When in reality every single 30 seconds in the United States alone.  Another woman is being beaten raped or murdered and yet nobody talks about those killings were those acts of abuse.  Just like nobody talks about how every 15 min. in the United States.  Another child or adult becomes so terrified within their own mind that they end up killing themselves.  Nobody talks about that either the because it's not interesting.  It's not fun.  It doesn't make us feel good.  So we would rather talk about those things that are going to make us feel really good like doing really fantastic acts of kindness for different types of tragedies it take place.  While other tragedies are taking place at the same time.  And actually get no notice at all.

It's okay.  If I'm lucky I'll be dead in a few years and then I won't have to worry about any of this anymore.  And if I'm really lucky, I will die within the next few months.  That would make me absolutely fantastically happy.  I would love it if I could just die.  Because there's no way that I will ever attempt suicide.  It's not going to happen.  I don't have the courage I don't have the guts I'm basically a gutless coward.  So I'm not ever going to physically attempt suicide because I'm a gutless coward.  But that doesn't mean that I don't have thoughts of not wanting to be here because I do.  I have thoughts of not wanting to be here every day all the time.  I mean, what are my choices?  I can stay in this world where most of the people in this world hate me because I'm transgendered or because I'm a Jew or I can die and go back to God and be in the arms of my darling Aileen.  So how is that a difficult choice?  It's not a hard choice for me to make.

Now.  I really do have to stop.

I really do appreciate all of you.  I don't know any of you.  But I'm really grateful that you are there.  Please know that.  Please.  If there's any way for me to open my heart and try to show how grateful I am for those of you who are reading this Journal are actually reading it does any way for me to say thank you.  I hope that God will please allow me to do so.  I mean you all are out there in the world.  And you're working when you have lives you have families you have friends you have so much and yet you read my Journal.  I think that's absolutely amazing.  I will be eternally grateful to all of you simply being there.  I guess that I actually have a certain amount of fear going on inside of me figure I'm probably not talking about or not dealing with.  But so what?  You don't have to do much to get to the end of your life.  All you have to do to get to the end of your life is to be prepared to die.  So I am way ahead of the game on that score.

Thank you.  With all my heart as God is going with us.  Thank you so much for just being there.  It means so much to me.  Please know that.  Please.

I sent my highest hopes and all of my prayers to not only the children and families and friends of Newton Connecticut.  But I also send all of my highest hopes and prayers to all of the families and friends of those amazing and wonderful children throughout this world.  The brilliant men and women in the United States and around the world who are suffering right now.  Please know that if I felt better if I had more strength.  I would do everything in my power to try to make things easier.  I am sorry that I am so limited.  I'm still trying to do what I can.  Please know that you are not alone will be in my prayers and my heart always.

God speed…..