Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Family Business

As I said I was going to do last night.  I wanted to come back to discuss a whole number of things.  And most of the stuff involves every single one of you whether I know you or not.

To begin with, when my darling Aileen said she wanted me to live as a woman she did not mean that she wanted me to learn how to live as a woman.  She meant exactly what my grandmother meant.  For example, I carried a doll with me like my own child like it was my baby until I was in the fourth grade.  Grandmother knew in her heart and mind that I should have been raised as a girl.  She wasn't sure whether I was gay or something else.  And she didn't care.  In her mind she knew that whatever wiring that was inside of me was making me much more feminine or more female than male.

Aileen understood this as well.  So when she said she wanted me to go back to live as a woman, he wasn't explaining to me that I needed to learn how to live as a woman.  She was telling me that I needed to pay attention to that part of myself that was female in every single way.  That part of me that governs my thinking and my emotions and my views and my perspectives and most of my behavior.  Because she believed like my grandmother, that the better part of me was female.

So, living as a woman does not mean learning how to do so.  But actually remembering how to do so.  That's what she meant.  And that's a very important distinction to make.  But it is a point I wanted to clear up.

That being said, the one detail I forgot to mention last night was, as I said the only time I ever applied mascara to my lower lashes is either when someone is coming over for a visit or there's something special going on or I'm going out.  Going out shopping or anywhere that I might go.  Where as a result, I simply want to dress up, my eyes just a bit more.  But I never wear eyeliner underneath my eye.  The only place I put eyeliner is on the top of my.  Because putting it on top and below again is almost like overkill.  It's and that's not how I present myself to myself.  Or how I want to present myself to anyone else.

So that's the first thing.

The second thing has to do with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  Since 1968 when the operation was actually done.  Will during the eight months I was recovering I had no clue that I might end up with any kind of breathing problems.  Of course, no one believed I was going to survive.  And all the years after I got out of the hospital I was unaware of the I actually would ever get to a point, where, as a result, just talking would cause me to hyperventilate to the point where I might pass out.  And in reality, this condition only showed up.  I would say for the last five years or seven years is.  More like seven years.

I do not believe the condition of my eyes having sanpaku is connected in any way to my breathing issues, or my breathing problems.  True.  The fact that I hyperventilate to the point where I am passing out could be any one of a number of things.  However, I don't have any symptoms.  And normally when I am doing a dictation.  I'm not talking fast.  I really am going very slowly.  But I think that's more instinctive than anything else.

Is this condition where I hyperventilate, dangerous?  Absolutely.  But it's not cancer.  And it's not emphysema.  It's nothing like that.  My right lung having done most of the breathing for me.  Most of my life is just getting tired.  My smoking probably does negatively impact my breathing to some degree.  Although because I'm smoking pipe tobacco rather than cigarette tobacco the level of negative impact to my lungs is far less than if I were smoking cigarette tobacco.

The reason is very simple.  It's against the law in the United States to treat pipe tobacco chemically in any way that cigarette tobacco is treated.  And the main reason for that is because producing pipe tobacco for the consumer is a lot different than how cigarette tobacco is produced.

As I've said before, of the three types of smoking, cigars, cigarettes, and pipe tobacco.  Cigars have the most amount of nicotine.  That because of how cigars are processed.  Cigars are basically laid flat one on top of another in order to dry or dry out.  As a result the leaves of tobacco that are used in making cigars have not been treated in any way where as lose very much of the tobacco in the leaf.  So consequently, cigars actually have the highest level of nicotine of the three major forms of smoking.

Cigarettes have the next highest level.  Because cigarette tobacco is basically stored in the same way that cigar tobacco is stored.  This significant difference is that cigarette tobacco when tobacco is being used to make cigarettes, where the pipe tobacco leaves are merely rolled into cigars.  Thereby keeping most of the nicotine preserved.  Cigarette tobacco actually goes on an assembly line where the tobacco is cut up and manipulated into fine tiny pieces of tobacco better than used to create cigarettes.  But as the tobacco is going to that process.  It of course loses a certain amount of nicotine because it's being basically cut up.

So cigarette makers will treat cigarette tobacco with various chemicals in order to maintain certain levels of nicotine in the tobacco.  And that process.  Of course, has generated huge lawsuits.

But pipe tobacco is handled completely differently.  In the process of making pipe tobacco the tobacco leaf is simply suspended in what is called a tobacco curing shed.  And the only thing that pipe tobacco leaves are subjected to are natural agents that might cure for enhanced the tobacco naturally.  But as a result of hanging upside down for months while it is being cured.  Pipe tobacco actually lose a certain amount of its nicotine.

So on the one hand pipe tobacco is not as dangerous as cigarette tobacco because it has not been subjected to any kind of chemical process where, as a result, the level of nicotine in pipe tobacco then becomes higher.  Because that is not the case.

So of course, no smoking is good for me to do.  But at the same time, with everything I'm going through in dealing with the doctors who I have no known through the years have always taken the position that of course no smoking is good for me.  But they have also understood that if I was going to continue smoking that the least problematic kind of smoking I might do would be smoking pipe tobacco.

That being said, there is nothing of course it is going to certify that I like anyone else might not get cancer but I have no signs or symptoms of that in any way at this time.  And again.  The doctors I have seen through the years have all somewhat reluctantly agreed that if I'm going to try to achieve what I'm trying to achieve with my body and my life in the world that, everyone needs something.

And it has already been decided that I was going to quit smoking.  But only after I got my weight down lower.  So I don't believe the smoking, beyond what might be considered normalized, as a negative impact, is doing anything to my breathing.  It of course is not helping my breathing.  But it is not doing to my breathing what chemically treated cigarette tobacco would in fact be doing.

The UTI and the hernias, I have, don't have any of the symptomatic conditions of prostate malfunction or prostate cancer.  The symptoms truly are indicative of my hernias and a UTI.  And as I've said, I'm going to have all of that checked out at my HMO, medical facility after the first of the year.

So this hyperventilating that began to happen about 10 years ago which I said above was about seven years ago.  And that's about right.  My hyperventilation is really due to my one working lung simply getting tired.  And there are ways to work around that.  I can begin to do certain types of structured aerobics or aerobic exercises that will increase my pulmonary function.  And that is exactly what I intend on doing.  But after I have my hernias.  And my UTI adequately addressed.

My pulmonary at this point is rated at about 93%.  With my left lung basically being about 75% nonfunctional.  So my right lung is probably having a pulmonary function of perhaps on its own, about 75%.

Is my hyperventilation dangerous?  You bet your sweet ass it is.  But the worst thing you can do when you have any kind of medical condition that you suspect is going on, is to overreact.  So that is not what I am going to do.  I already know that if I lie down like flat, that with the apnea I have.  Plus this hyperventilation thing going on.  But the chances are I could actually suffocate.  Which is why I do not lie down flat.

But yes, it can be dangerous.  And again I'm going to have all of this looked at after the holidays.  But only at the HMO facility that is part of my medical plan.

I had no idea that my going unconscious like I have been doing these last number of years was actually part of something else going on.  But now I do.  And when you know something or you learn something that really does one thing absolutely.  Which is to increase your knowledge about what ever it is affecting you.  What you do with that knowledge is an entirely different matter.

So my dictations are going to have to go more slowly.  And if I get tired I'm going to have to stop.  That's all there is to it.  No problem.  I can do that.  With all that I'm going through and experiencing I just don't think it is a good idea to leave me with nothing.  Meaning nothing I can use to maintain any kind of equilibrium.  Because I can't take pain medication for my pain.  And there is no magic pill that is going to make everything better, regarding my losing my wife.  My darling Aileen.

So I will do what I have always done, which is simply the best I can.  God knows my heart.  Just as God knows my soul.  And in this matter.  I am going to simply leave it with God.  But as I said, after the first of the year.  It is my absolute intention to get a lot of this stuff medically looked at.  That is definitely one of the major New Year's resolutions I have.

That's why between now and the first of the year I'm going to be contacting my health insurer, United healthcare, about getting in to see a doctor at my HMO facility.

So I'm not concerned.  And I'm not really worried.  Not at all.  It's just another detail I have to work around.  So what?  That and a cough drop and the holy card will get you a ticket to nowhere.  So there's no percentage in the overreacting.

I could become diabetic but the likelihood is quite unlikely because my metabolism and other chemical things going on.  So if anything my hypoglycemia my simply get a bit more challenging.  But again, so what?  The breathing problems I have in the evening are not unlike what millions of people are going through who live around bodies of water.  And there are things I can do with my diet to decrease the negative impact that my hyperventilating may in fact be causing.  And that's what I plan on doing next weekend.

But in lieu of everything I have mentioned above I am going to redo my living will and redo my last will and testament, which I can do by downloading any of the free software on the Internet for that purpose.  Which again is what I'm going to do.  Basically I feel very good.  I'm just a bit weaker.  But again this has been a hard month.  And I'm still adjusting my diet.  Next month is going to be better.  Because I have made changes in my diet in order for it to be better.

Now I'm sharing all of this because whether I know any of you were not in my heart and in my mind all of you who read my Journal on our as far as I'm concerned.  Part of my family.  And no.  I am absolutely not going to go into any kind of detail about any of this with Claude or Evelyn until after the first of the year when I have actually had medical people investigate all of this.

My attitude has always been the ideal with things in my life as they present themselves and my only objective is to simply get through.  That's all.  Just get through.  And that's what I'm going to do.  It's what I have always done and you can bet your bottom dollar that is exactly how I'm going to continue doing things.

So that's basically the second thing I wanted to talk about.

The next thing has to do with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  This is something that some people may not be aware of.  When you are doing training with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  And it is learning the way you speak.  It's actually learning your soundwaves.  Meaning the soundwaves of your voice.  And those soundwaves can change with various environmental or physical conditions.

That's why this last training session was actually so much more effective than any of my previous training sessions.  Because, recognizing the problem of how my voice was being recorded as a result of having to strain because I was actually hyperventilating.  That's why this last training session I took a number of breaks during the session.

As a result, when I did the training session last night.  My voice was recorded without any other sound in the room.  And it was recorded without my visibly showing any signs of my hyperventilation.  And that is because I was taking a number of breaks.  And that is the significance of what I'm saying.

For anyone who is using Dragon NaturallySpeaking and you are going to training.  It is important that when you are doing your training that you do so.  It almost absolute quiet.  And that to do so in such a way so that your voice is as natural as possible.  And as natural as possible without being negatively impacted by any physical or environmental conditions.  Doing that will ensure that Dragon NaturallySpeaking will record your voice and the soundwaves of your voice in such a way so that if environmental conditions change where you are doing you are dictating.  Where as a result there may be an increase in some of the environmental noise.  Because you have gone to the trouble of doing a training session where your voice was heard as clearly as possible.  The accuracy of that training session will in fact increase as a result.

That's my point.  A lot of people or probably most people are able to do a training session all the way through and have virtually no physical reaction.  I'm just someone who does end up having a physical reaction.  So again, no big deal.

In point of fact, I really do feel very good physically for the most part.  Now, the lesions I have been having on my skin are not from any kind of fungal or bacterial infection.  They are as a result of dry skin and my using my fingernails to scratch.  Which is why I am now using this really cool wooden back scratcher my darling Aileen gave me a few years ago over the holidays.  So that's another problem that has been alleviated.

What is remarkable is that when I am doing something that is rather a rollback like gardening or exercise that my right lung actually gets stronger.  So again, it's a trade-off.

So for those of you who might be concerned don't..  If anything happens or anything changes you are going to be the first to know.

So that's basically the state of how things are.  When I set my hair yesterday it actually came out really good.  I mean, it looks really good.  Of course the first day that you sent your hair after you wash your hair, the set is always a bit more freestyle.  Meaning that your hair when you wash your hair obviously loses a lot of the Orioles that are natural in your hair.  So generally within about 24 to 30 hours after you wash your hair.  The oils begin to come back.  That's why the second day.  Setting your hair is always better than the first.

And as I said, the breathing problems I have is for sinusitis are common to millions and millions of people all over the world.  Not just here in the United States.  But something that everyone is going through.  So again, so what?

I will get through.  Nothing I have is life-threatening.  Nothing I have is indicative of some major disease or illness.  I know because I've already checked.  So again, the worst thing you can do about anything physically going on with yourself is to first find out what the hell is going on.  Which is what I have done to the best of my ability so far.

But again, with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  If you do a training session just the way I said above, you will find that your training session is markedly accurate.

My attitude is, who knows?  So again I don't overreact or I try not to.  When confronted with anything physical.  So don't any of you do that either.  I've just checked the weather in the area and there is virtually no moisture whatsoever.  So a certain amount of my breathing problems are coming from the fact that the air in the house is dry.  But, to that end, I'm going to put a can of water down by the air intake near the furnace.  That way.  Some of that moisture will be going into the air throughout the house.  And that will be assistive to some degree of resolving that problem.

And at the first of the month I'm going to be constructing my diet.  So I have a lot more protein in my diet.  Plus I'm going to be having fruit on a daily basis.  So everything is going to change for the better as soon as I go shopping a week from today.

My check is actually available right now.  According to what I have been told.  But it's the weekend and it basically makes no sense to go rushing forward and pay bills right now.  It makes a lot more sense to do so on Monday morning which is a normal business day which is what I'm going to do.  And because I have the water bill this month.  I've already done my projections using Excel.  And basically I have about $200 left over for my shopping needs.  And that's about normal.

The priorities I have as far as paying the bills are probably not going to change.  The Internet service and cell phone service and landline phone service that I have are all basically where I want them to be even though they are rather expensive.  And the same is true with DirecTV.  I'm not going to change anything because in February the house will be paid for.  Which means I will have an extra $200 every month.  Because I won't have to be paying any more mortgage payments.  So things are going to only get better.  Partially because of my advanced planning.

So everything is on the mend.  Let's get that straight right now.

And as far is living as a woman.  Like I said, I carried a doll with me to school and where ever I went all the way through the fourth grade.  And I probably would have continued carrying that doll everywhere I went had not my mother taken the doll and thrown it into the furnace.  Which she did.  Because of that conversation that my grandmother and my mother and father had about how I should have actually been raised as a girl.  That was their reaction.  So living as a woman for me does not entail my having to learn how to live.  Or feel as a woman, but to simply allow those feelings I have had all my life to come out.

That's the difference.  That is what my darling Aileen saw in me.  Just as my grandmother also saw that in me.  And as with everything else in my life.  I will get it done.  The good news is that as I allow myself to actually feel like what I have always felt my whole life.  Not only will I be more honest with myself.  But I probably will enjoy life a lot more as well.

That's another reason I stayed to myself.  Because going out in this neighborhood.  I get called a number of different things.  Many of which are either insulting or basically just denigrating.  And I just don't need to hear that kind of Bullshit right now.  I don't have the time nor the inclination.

Plus, there is this whole thing about me being hypoglycemic.  Which means I have to be on a high-protein diet.  And again that is something I have said that I am going to do.  As soon as I go shopping next weekend.  So again, everything is cool.

So everyone needs to just simply relax and take a breath.  Everything is fine.  And there's no real big deal going on here.  If I actually thought anything was really seriously going on with me.  Again, you can bet your sweet ass I would be telling it here in my Journal.  And there's nothing like that going on.  Everyone of you who is reading this Journal is actually hearing all about this before anyone else in my life.  And if that doesn't illustrate to all of you how important all of you are to me that I don't know what does.

I'm fine.  My hands are actually a bit swollen tonight but the way it feels is that this is a reaction to the barometric changes taking place more than anything else, which is normal for arthritic sufferers.  Anyone who knows anything about arthritis knows that.  So again there's nothing going on and I'm fine.  Reasonably so.  Of course, I'm sure there are some people would be very happy if I get really sick and died.  Like some of my neighbors.  But my answer to their hatred for me.  And the fact that I'm not getting really sick is that they need to get used to disappointment.

But for the rest of you who actually are concerned with me or about me.  My message is for everyone to just relax.  Take a breath.  Everything's fine.  Like I've said before, and whether anyone chooses to believe this or not is up to them.  I've always said and I will maintain this to my death.  God and I have an agreement.  Whether anyone chooses to believe that.  Like I said, that's up to them.  But as a result of that agreement.  I can tell you with absolute certain they that God is not going to do anything without letting me know in one way or another.

God doesn't operate that way.  God always lets you know when something is about to really take place in your life.  It's just that most of us get so busy that we basically are not paying attention.  So we become unaware of those potential changes.

The real significant thing I have talked about here other than, for example some of the fashion things I talked about.  Is how I am in fact improving my accuracy with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  Because I'm thinking in terms of the actual frequency of my voice rather than simply the sound of my voice or the words I speak.  And that's why I wanted to bring that up because a lot of people using Dragon NaturallySpeaking may look at training in Dragon NaturallySpeaking a number of different ways.  And so I wanted to share what I was learning from my latest training session.  Because the accuracy of Dragon NaturallySpeaking with my voice, which is sort of like a train wreck.  Well my accuracy has gone up amazingly.

All.  Because I discovered the condition with myself.  Namely the hyperventilation.  Which was changing the way that my voice was sounding when I was in fact going through training.  That's the significance.  Because the hyperventilation was of course changing the sound waves of my voice.  And as I said, I have resolved that whole situation by doing my training in a slightly different way.

So if you are having any kind of recognition issues.  That's exactly what I would suggest that you do as well.  That you change the way that you are doing the training.  So that when you are doing your training and I mean specifically training.  I don't mean, when you are dictating an article.  I mean, when you were doing your training what you want to do is have the environment is quiet as possible so that your voice and the sound waves of your voice will in fact be recorded as accurately as possible without any other noise around.

That way if you do that then when you are actually doing your dictations.  Meaning using Dragon NaturallySpeaking to write letters or whatever else you do.  That the extraneous noises around you like the radio in the background or the heater or the air conditioner will basically have no effect on your dictation because Dragon NaturallySpeaking will be focusing specifically on your voice and the sound waves of your voice that it recorded when there was no sound around and so as a result, when there is sound around and you are doing your dictations Dragon NaturallySpeaking will focus more on the actual sound of your voice, which it recorded during the training session.  When there was no sound around.  So it will hear your voice better as a result of being able to record the sound waves of your voice without any of the sound around.

Which means like a said that when you are doing your dictations Dragon NaturallySpeaking will ignore all of the other extraneous sounds and pick up for the most part, right on your voice.  And that can be some rather important and significant information for most of you do have.  Because it means that if you are having any kind of record.  This issues.  This is one way to alleviate those issues.  That's the point.

And because I have been doing this dictation, meaning this article taking into consideration what I have learned about my hyperventilation, I have had minimal impact from that peculiarity.  Which means I'm not having issues of being lightheaded.  I actually did pass out several paragraphs ago for about a minute.  Which was basically a heads up to me.  Meaning that I needed to stop for a moment.

Some of the hyperventilation actually could be caused by my diet and me being low blood sugar.  It's so that's another reason why I'm going to be doing something different with my diet, whereby as a result I have more protein in my diet which will keep my sugar and blood levels up.

And it's also important to understand as I always say.  That nothing in any way that I have ever experienced in my entire life can't under any circumstances be compared with, or even looked upon as significant at all.  Because when you have so many millions and millions and millions of amazing and brilliant children and tremendously courageous and wonderful people throughout this world who are suffering from all these different things.  The crap I go through means nothing.  That's the bottom line.

But in any event, this new set of curlers, meaning this new curling pattern for my hair actually worked out great.  My hair came out looking really very good.  Of course, like I said on the first day.  The set is always just a bit perhaps you might call it stiffer.  Meaning that your hair is still building those oils in your hair back.  So that by 24 hours later your hair has a different texture and the same set actually comes out better.  That's why women always say that the second set meaning the second day of setting your hair is always better than the first.  It's just something we get used to.

That's why I choose my shampoo in my conditioner very carefully.  Because my hair is so thick that I really do need something to sort of tame it down.  But I'm definitely on the right track because it really does look good.

Now, with it being the holidays, there are only a few things that are actually going to be taking place at least politically in the country.  One thing of course is that the tea party and the Republican Party are going to continue their mantra where they are screaming and yelling about how the only way to fix the United States economically is by making the middle class and the poor suffer as much as possible and basically crushing the middle class and destroying the middle class to the point where people will lose their homes and people will go without medical care and so that the people of the United States will give him as much of their money as possible to help the members of Congress who are suffering terribly.  Because Republican Party.  Once entire world to know that the Republican Party and the tea party are suffering terribly they don't have enough money to buy that second or third car.  And this is terrible and they don't have enough money to be able to spend $20,000 a year on suits and clothing.  And they don't have enough money to take that extra vacation to Europe and these are terrible things and the Republican Party and the tea party wants everyone in the world to know that as far as they're concerned they will literally beat the living crap out of every single member who is an American citizen in this country to take our money from us because the Republican Party wants those vacations they want more money they are going to get our money and they are going to lie in any way they can to get our money.  Because they want Donald Trump and they want Grover Norquist to make more money.  They want the wealthy to get more money and the only way they are going to get more money is if they basically beat the living crap out of all of us and take our money from us and that's what they're going to do.

Because the Republican Party also wants the entire world to know that the wealthy and the United States are suffering just horribly.  They are just literally having a terrible time.  They're not able to take those $10,000 vacations.  This is a terrible thing.  Because they need those vacations because they really are more important than the rest of us they are better than all of us here in this country they're better than the American veterans their better than the police there better than the firefighters their better than anyone in the middle class their better than any of us who are poor because they're smarter they're better looking.  They have more money.  Which means they're better people.  And God even loves the more.  That's what the Republican Party is saying.

So consequently that's not going to change.  Not now.  Not ever.  And you don't believe me, no problem.  Just wait a few weeks.  Then you will see that I am telling you exactly the truth.  Because they are not going to change.  And if you think that the Republican Party is unique in the global community that we all live in you are sadly mistaken.  Because that kind of wealth a selfish asinine bastard attitude is existing and every single government throughout the entire world.  Because throughout the entire world we have gotten middle class and poor people suffering so badly while the wealthy are saying no ahead and kill those stupid bastard.  Because I want their money.  That's the wealthy's attitude.  They might give money to charity.  But then they will turn around and they will make sure they kill every child and murder every woman.  And kill anyone in this country to kill every man because that's what the wealthy want to do they want to murder us, if they have to, in order to get our money.  Grover Norquist doesn't give a damn about the middle class or the poor.  He's an arrogant, self-serving selfish ruthless bastard who would have no problem beating the living crap out of his own life and beating his children to death if he had to get their money.  Because that's the kind of ruthless bastard he is.

And how do I know that?  Because I grew up with those people not them personally.  But I grew up with those kinds of monsters.  I grew up in a family that was a family of millionaires.  And I grew up around people who had more money than God and out of all those people there was only one or two people out of all of them that had any kind of humanity whatsoever.

So don't expect me to go kissing the asses of the Republican Party or the tea party because that ain't going to happen.  Not now.  Not ever.  That's one thing I don't do.  What I do is I adapt.  And that's exactly what I'm going to do.  Knowing basically that the Republican Party in tea party wants to play the game of eugenics.  That gives me an edge.  Because it basically means going into the game.  I know that my opponent doesn't only want to win the game.  He wants to kill me.  That's the attitude of the Republican Party.  They might talk a big game about wanting to extend foreclosure protection.  But then out of the other side of their mouth they are saying everything I have said above.

And again if you don't believe me, please don't.  Just wait a few weeks.  Because in a few weeks you will see that everything I'm saying is exactly true.

And as far as Windows live writer.  It really is a very good program.  But it takes forever to load.  It takes up a huge amount of system resources.  Which is ridiculous.  And even though it has some really cool features.  It is so hard to work with when I'm using Dragon NaturallySpeaking that it's just not worth the trouble.  It's just not.  None of these off-line editors really work that well with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  And it's not the fault of Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  And it really isn't the fault of the people at Windows live writer.  It's just the nature of how a blog editor works.

Because blog editors actually are combination of not only an HTML editor, but also a text editor.  And that's what makes them somewhat more problematic being able to interface adequately or effectively with programs like Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  And that's all it is.

And as far as sanpaku is concerned.  Let me tell you something.  Many years ago when I was first studying the aspect of life known as metaphysics.  I had occasion to meet a rather brilliant man by the name of Marshall Cavendish.  Now why does that name significant?  The name is significant because Marshall wrote the encyclopedic set of volumes known as, Man, myth, and magic.  In actuality we were not particularly good friends although we did communicate with each other by letters in the mail over.  I guess the space of time for about two years.

But as a result, when the series, man, myth, and magic, came out.  Marshall sent me a complimentary copy of the entire Encyclopedia.  Now the significance of that is that last night.  I was looking at sanpaku.  And one of the things that can actually cause that condition to take place in the eyes is hormonal imbalance.  Which of course makes perfect sense.  Because of two very interesting factors.

Every single fetus inside every single woman starts out as female.  This is due to the genes.  Now the reality is that as men get older, their testosterone levels begin to drop.  The same way that as women get older their estrogen levels begin to drop.

So what basically happens is that men become slightly more feminine in certain ways.  Not big and brassy and showy but just very subtle ways.  Just like women as they get older begin to take on very subtle masculine characteristics.  And again, we're talking very subtle.

For example, some women might notice that they are a bit less likely to cry at certain movies.  While men might find it easier to do so.  Things like that.

So when you consider my age and you consider the kind of hormonal train wreck I have been living with most of my life.  Anyhow, where there has been a kind of ongoing warfare between the two different hormones I have inside of me.  And that I'm actually on a kind of herbal hormonal therapy.  Sanpaku actually begins to make sense.  So again, it's not a big deal.

Like I said, if I discover anything going on with myself all of you are going to be the first ones to know.  That's it.  That's my promise to all of you.  Just like any of the work I'm writing I'm giving away.  Because that's how I have always looked at my work.  That it wasn't something for me to just make money off of.  If I wanted to make money.  I would love to be a financial analyst.  My writing has always been different.  At this point in my life.  You won't get my writing.

Just like I told Claude that Jackie is actually going to get my computer because she's much more computer savvy than anyone else in the family.  And she will extract off of my machine.  All of the photographs and papers that should go to Claude and Evelyn.  She will then scrub the machine.  Meaning she will clean the machine so that there's no traces of anything on it.  And then my plan is to donate the machine to some aspect of education for them to have as a computer because it is a very good computer.  But in all likelihood that's probably not happen that way.  Because I don't see myself going anywhere anytime soon.

But the point is that if any of you really ever doubt that it's possible that I might love you if I did love you, then why would I give away my writing to all of you?  If I didn't love each and every one of you is much as I do.  Regardless of whether you hate me are not then why what I share with you what I have just shared in this Journal entry which nobody in the whole world knows about except for you.  Which of course now is the whole world?

So.  Just if you think for even a second that I don't love you throw that thought away.  Just throw it out.  Because I do love all of you.  I'm not going to deny that I'm conflicted.  Show me a writer or human rights advocate who is not.  And I will show you a damn failure.  Because it's out of the conflict that we go through as writers and human rights advocates that some of the really great stuff takes place.  That's how it's done.

And I'm saying that because I know there are a lot of younger people who are reading my Journal.  So I don't want any of you being discouraged because maybe you think your life is turning into nothing but crap.  Because you shouldn't be concerned with that.  You have to remember.  Out of all this turbulence that you may be going through, some of the greatest thoughts and inspiration you'll ever have.  That's the truth.

And as far as last night.  I was so tired not really out of breath.  But my God.  I was exhausted.  It wasn't moving the radiator.  But I'm still getting used to going up and down the steps all the time.  Meaning going upstairs to use the bathroom.  So obviously I got a little out of breath.  So what?  I'm 62 years old.  What does anyone expect.  There are some people who have two working lungs.  And they're doing fine.  My pulmonary is really solid.  My heart is amazing.  So they tell me.  And that goes back to the fact that I was actually an athlete about 30 years ago and was so for most of my life..  Big deal.  When I begin to get lightheaded, I stop.  That's all there is to it.  It's not rocket science.  It's just the way things are.

Now if you look at the picture of my den and you look closely you will see that behind the chair everything is hanging off of the bulletin board.  Now the reason for that is very simple.  I'm in this damn chair most of my life.  So everything has to be within arms reach.  Everything where I'm sitting is done mostly by touch.  And so consequently everything I do is either done here or it's done.  It might and which I will include a picture of probably over the next week or so.

It's nothing fancy believe me.  I don't even have a full mirror by my vanity.  But actually on the opposite wall.  I have a wall mirror.  But I do have that really fantastically cool makeup mirror which I use all the time to make sure the I looked the way I'm supposed to.  I look refined and somewhat classy.  Not like a dried mop that has been leaning in the corner for six weeks.

So, now that I finally have everything worked out on my system.  You can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to do meditation this morning.  That's for sure.

The weather on the other hand, ladies and gentlemen, at least here in Cleveland is basically duck and cover.  This week and early next week.  It's actually going to be in the 50s and 60s and then suddenly by Thursday, the high temperature is going to be 36.  Now there's a recipe for a flu outbreak if I ever saw one.  I can just see conditions already taking place.  Next week the weather will go from really warm the really cold and 10 days later flu will be everywhere in Cleveland.  Which is why I carry hand sanitizer with me at all times.  Nothing personal.  But you have to take responsibility for your own health.  Because if you don't that's when you really become a target.

And what I mean by that is if you don't take care of your health of your conscious of your health.  That's a real good way for the old man upstairs to smack you around whereby you could end up getting not so healthy like the flu or whatever.  And that's why with me, it ain't going to happen.  You got to know that's true.

And I probably won't see Claude until next week sometime.  Which is fine.  No big deal.  I'm actually doing great.  Boy did I sleep last night.  Wow!

And I'm sure that everything I'm writing right now is partly due to my darling Aileen.  Not only being in the house.  But also inside me to one extent or another.  I don't have a problem with that.  So basically in two hours.  I will do my meditation.  And then by 9 AM.  I will be put together and looking fine.  At which point I'll do some e-mail or perhaps take a nap.

I still have to move those physical files.  Meaning the files for all of 2011 and 2012.  So that I can get ready for the train wreck of 2013.  And trust me, ladies and gentlemen.  It's going to be a train wreck.  I could talk for the next 20 years about the Republican Party in tea party.  First of all, no one would really pay attention to me.  Secondly, no one would really care.  And thirdly things are probably not going to change.  The Republican Party and the tea party have no desire whatsoever to act like real regular good honest American people.  They have every intention of acting like extremely selfish and hateful ruthless bastards like so many of the ones I grew up with.

So life goes on.  I've just updated my calendar for the morning.  This is so that I can do my morning meditation and also get everything else done.

So basically what I'm going to do now is look at some e-mail and maybe do a Journal entry before my morning meditation, if I have time.  Otherwise I will write later.

It's December 1 people.  The rush for those Christmas presents is on.  Just remember when you go to the shopping malls to carry hand sanitizer with you and to play nicely.  Meaning don't be rude.  Of all the times in the year.  This is probably one of the most important times not to be rude.

In any event I think I may go back to sleep for a little while.  Just a short nap of about 90 min.  Which is fine.  But if you have read this far, which I sincerely hope you have.  Then you now know just about everything.  Just kidding.

In any event, I will of course rightly.

Thank you very much for listening.