Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Some Good News Comes

Surprising news.  Evelyn just called me.  And she wants to come over to talk tomorrow.  It was actually three calls.  One where she called me and left a message.  And one where I called her back and it first children never wanted to see her again.  Then she called back.  Obviously realizing that I was upset and said it would just be heard coming over and I said fine as long as it's just her and I.  And I told her I need an apology.  I told her I had never been so insulted or hurt as when she accused me of being a victim.  And that is true.  I've never been so hurt my life was when she accused me of that after I did everything I could to save her sister's life.  My wife.  My darling Aileen.

I don't apologize for what I have really bad outbursts unless it ends up getting nastier or fighting in what I call an unfair way.  Fighting unfairly is when you are casting personal character assassinations would the argument were swearing.  And that's not what this was about.  So I make no apologies for wanting an apology because I feel I deserve one.  Not because I'm anyone special, but because I think it was totally unfair for to say that to me and accuse me of playing the victim when I never have in my life.  I will make no mistake that I wallow sometimes in self-pity.  And when I do I always pretty much apologize for doing that.  And I try to move on.

So she's trying to make peace.  And that is fine.  And I ended my voicemail message to her saying that I love her.  Because this is not about love.  This is about hurt feelings.  I don't want her or Claude to think that I don't love them because I do.  But my feelings were extremely and deeply hurt that she would ever accuse me of playing the victim.  When that's not what I do.  When I wallow in self-pity.  It generally isn't along the lines of feeling like I've been victimized as much as I am simply feeling sorry for myself.  But I do not look at myself now nor have I ever, as a victim.  I have always seen myself as a survivor.  Because that is how I was able to get through.  And it is a hot button issue.  It is definitely a hot button term.  And the surest way that someone can guarantee that I probably won't want to have much to do with them is that if they accuse me of playing the victim.  Because that's not what I do.  I am well aware that I deal with various issues with regard to my PTSD where I end up feeling sorry for myself.  And when I do I try to stay away from everyone.  So that I do not expose them to any of my negative energy.  Because there is negative energy when you are feeling sorry for yourself.

This holiday season is nowhere near as difficult as I thought it was going to be.  There's actually a huge relief and a great burden is being lifted off of my shoulders, as a result of finally concluding the second year.  In reality, some of that has to be due to what other people have been telling me for the last two years that the second-year is the hardest.  So consequently, I am aware of that.  But that's not what I'm feeling.  I'm not feeling like there is a burden being lifted off of my shoulders simply because other people have told me that the second-year is the hardest.  I'm feeling that there is a burden being lifted off my shoulders.  Partially because of what has been taking place with regard to my grief over the last two weeks.  That I am actually feeling Aileen and I energetically somehow, merging.  That I am actually drawing Aileen into my life and into whatever I am physically and into my entire perspective.  That there is some kind of informational exchange going on between Aileen and I.

Some of this of course is extremely logical.  We lived together for 18 years as each other's spouse.  We were more than husband and wife.  We were sisters.  That's really what we were sisters and also girlfriends and lovers.  We were a number of things besides just being, husband and wife.  And in reality, as I said, because of how closely we lived during those 18 years.  Our habits began to become completely synchronized.  Other than of course for one we were asleep.  And so consequently, some of my taking Aileen into my life is quite logical.  Because we were so closely that and so synchronized.  So that is logical.  But the relief I feel finally getting to the second anniversary is not one of sadness, but one of celebration but not the kind of celebration where your dancing in the streets kind of thing.  It's more of a celebration of life itself.  Realizing that Aileen actually is living through me.  That she is living through me.  And this house.  That I am finally at that point where instead of focusing on how much I miss her.  Which I of course do.  That I am in fact able to finally allow her into my life.  And of course I did that all those 18 years.  Because we were part of each other for those 18 years.

So I of course allowed her into my life.  And she allowed me into hers and we were as I say defined in so many different ways.  But once she died during that first year.  Of course I was in shock.  And during the second year.  All those feelings of grief were coming to the surface.  And I've been on a roller coaster ride ever since.  At least until now.  So I will see Evelyn tomorrow.  But I'm not going to be bushwhacked or put in a corner.  And I do need Evelyn to realize that she needs to say at least that she is sorry for saying that to me.  That has to be part of the equation.  It's not fair to accuse me of that one.  I did everything I could to try to save her sister's life.  That's just not fair.  Because during those eight months.  I was more than simply Aileen's spouse I was her caregiver.  Meaning that there was that other part of everything going on.  And for those who are with someone who was dying but are not there caregiver.  It is hard for them to understand what a caregiver goes through when they are actually connected in some way to the one they are giving care to.  There is an entirely different dynamic that takes place.  There is a huge emotional burden that is part of the equation.  And there is also posttraumatic stress disorder.  That is part of the equation.

During the first year after Aileen died.  I actually did talk about this.  Where I had talked to other caregivers about what they did after the one they were taking care of died or passed away.  And I was told that some caregivers actually reacted so emotionally that what they did was they changed their living environment or they in fact went on a vacation.  They did something in order to try and get a breather from the tremendous burden but they were carrying while they were taking care of the one who was dying.  I of course couldn't do that.  But the reality is, I probably needed to in any event, I did the best I could.  That's all anyone can do.  The best they can.  So we will see what happens tomorrow.  I am not a mean person.  That's not in my nature.  I've done everything all my life.  Not to be that way.  At the same time, I have feelings like anyone else.  And the feelings.  I went through watching my darling Aileen die.  I feelings.  I have never in my entire life ever experienced.  The matter what.  I never have ever experienced emotions like that.  Even though I was in the past a caregiver to a different people who were dying of cancer.  Never was I ever in the position where I ended up feeling the kinds of emotions or having to go through the emotional journey and spiritual journey that I have gone through as a result of losing my darling Aileen.

It's just the way it is.  It's the reality of it.  And I knew that going in.  Meaning I knew when I became Aileen's caregiver.  That part of the equation would be that after she died I would have a tremendous emotional journey that I would go through.  The hospice team and I talked about that.  And their belief was that I was so strong that I would end up being able to do that.  And I did.  This whole second-year proves that very clearly.  I did make it through.

All during the first year and almost the entire second year after Aileen died.  I kept wondering about why I should want to keep on living.  I kept expressing in my Journal as to why I should want to continue living.  Because I just could not think of a reason.  And what's really remarkable is that I am finding a reason to want to keep on living.  But it's not what some people might think.  It's not because I have some cause.  Or some agenda.  My reason to keep on living is because I believe in my heart and in my soul.  That's what God wants me to do.  And I'm not talking religiously.  And I'm certainly not talking biblically either.  I'm talking spiritually.  And when I refer to the spirit or the soul.  I am actually talking about that energy that is inside all of us that is beyond science.  Or that is so scientific that we don't have any real excellent nation for it.  So instead of simply calling it energy or trying to define it, philosophically I choose to define it spiritually as the spirit or as the soul.

So what's happening is that I'm actually almost being born again.  And I don't mean that religiously in any way.  I'm not talking about religion when I say I feel born again.  That's not what I mean.  And I know that is like the typical understanding of those two words together.  But that's not what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about where for two years after Aileen died.  I literally felt I was in this very dark hallway.  Or in the middle of the dark forest and all I did was bump into trees.  And that now all of a sudden I actually feel like I'm moving through that hallway to the point where I can actually begin to feel like I'm actually alive.  Alive.  And not just surviving.

Of course if the Republicans get their way this very well could change after the first of the year.  When they shut down the government.  And nobody has any money in which case I will really be living at all.  But barely surviving.  And that of course will happen while the wealthy get all the money they want.  And the Republicans will get all the money they want and the rest of us will simply just basically either go hungry or starved.  Because that's what the Republicans want.  They want to keep the majority of the United States either going hungry were living in total fear.  Because people who are in fear and starving and going hungry are much easier to control and that's what the Republicans like to do.  They don't like to be legislators.  They don't like to represent the people they like to control.

And how do I know that?  Because I grew up in a very Republican family where one of the family members actually was rather influential in Republican politics.  So I learned a lot about Republican politics growing up.  And like I say, Republicans and tea party members love to control things.  Because that's when they feel like they are basically getting what they want.  So of course, if the Republicans do succeed in shutting down the government, which is their goal.  Then after the first of the year.  I probably won't be living how probably be barely surviving.  Like most of the middle class and the poor in this country.  At which point I probably will have to revert to either eating cat food or basically going without hardly anything in the house.  I'll probably have to live at a lower level of poverty then I am already living.  Because that's what Republicans want they want to make everyone is poor as possible so that they the Republicans and the tea party and the wealthy can have as much money as possible, because that's what the Republicans talk about.  And that's what they want.  Because they never talk about giving the middle class or the poor a break.  Never.  They always talk about screwing us.  So that's part of the equation.

But if the people of this country actually do take responsibility for what's going on and stop the Republicans from basically destroying the middle class and the poor by stealing more money from us and crippling us.  If the government does not shut down.  Then I will continue to attempt to live rather than to simply survive.  That's the task.  That's the goal.  And to say that it's difficult is an understatement.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  I can tell you that.  It was sure a hell of a lot easier when all I did was live in an apartment.  But the Republicans and the tea party are so sinister and so greedy and selfish that I have no guarantee that they are going to keep the government running.  Because they are so full of hatred.  Which is okay because the hatred they have is the hatred they will get.  If all they can do is do nothing but show their hatred for the people in this country by cutting down the government and shutting down the government.  Then the Republican Party and the tea party will get exactly what they have sown.  If they shut down the government.  No one will be happy and everyone will blame the Republican Party for being greedy bastards and the Republican Party will have to spend millions of dollars in propaganda to try to convince everyone that everything happening is everyone else's fault and not theirs.

Already the new stories are hitting the wire.  Talking about how the Republican Party is basically painting itself into a corner again.  But that's the Republican Party.  They don't care.  They don't care about anything except getting control and protecting the wealthy and getting the money for themselves.  They don't care about the American citizens.  They don't care about freedom they don't care about liberty.  All they care about is money.  Because that's all they ever talk about.  And if they actually cared about something else.  And they would be talking about something else.  But they never do.  They never talk about anything else except money power and control.  So obviously if they really do care about something else.  One wonders why they don't talk about anything else.  Why don't they ever talk about domestic abuse?  Why don't they ever talk about the mentally ill?  Why don't they ever talk about the millions of children in the United States who end up going hungry?  What of there were talk about the homeless?  The questions go on and on.

And the newswires today were also full of criticisms for president Obama as well.  But that's normal.  The party that loses always has a certain amount of bitterness and ends up becoming mean-spirited one way or the other.

In any event during the first year I was actually merely surviving.  Because I was really very much in shock the second year is different.  I'm not surviving.  I'm actually beginning to live.  But only now, only now, at the end of the second year.  And that's where I am right now.  The end of the second year.  So it's a new adventure.  But that's good.  One thing.  Aileen was really very strong about was that she never wanted to be bored.  And she was strong about that.  Because of course she was a Gemini.  But as I got to know her and as I was so deeply in love with her during those 18 years I began to understand the reasoning behind her never wanting to be bored.  Because by never being bored you are in fact then much more open to the adventure of daily life.  The real adventure.

So what I am going through now is that.  The real adventure.  I am experiencing as I said, a kind of rebirth.  I'm experiencing something I have never experienced in my entire life.  I'm experiencing something I never thought I would experienced in my entire life.  After the operation took place in 1968.  I huge part of me basically became dead.  I huge part of me simply stopped loving.  It was a part of me that I didn't really talk about much.  Or admit to.  But it was still there.  It was always there.  Ever present.  And in a kind of way.  It was almost like a driving force inside of me.  It was part of why I became so extremely athletic.  Why I took risks.  Why I didn't really have a lot of fear about taking a risk.  Because I didn't feel that taking a risk was going to matter.  The doctors are already told me that they didn't believe I would live beyond a certain age.  And naturally I believed them.  Which was probably normal.

But as a result of going through what I have gone through this last year as I said it's a kind of rebirth.  And perhaps for one of the few times in my life, or perhaps the first time in my life.  I actually feel like I'm almost brand-new.  It's a remarkable feeling.  Truly unbelievably remarkable.

Like I was saying.  It's a kind of rebirth and is like nothing I've ever experienced.  And I think part of the reason that's happening is because of another dynamic that is taking place in my life at the same time as all these other things are happening.This other dynamic is what I have partially talked about before.  It has to do with my Transgenderism.  Meaning living as a woman. For years, as I was either hiding my Transgenderism or as I was actually attempting to live as a woman after I had come out.  And to be more specific.  There were indications of my coming out when I was still working in Boston in 1978.  But that's what my left Boston and I went to Houston.  And it was in Houston that I actually publicly came out at least to my parents not publicly came out to the general public.  It wasn't until the 1980s like 1981 when I was living in Denver one.  I actually came out completely.

But during all of that time I was constantly in conflict within myself because of all of the negative programming.  I had been given by my parents and society and so forth about living as a woman.  Even though all the way back when I was 13 years old, my grandmother actually saw that I should have lived as a woman. 

She believed because of everything she saw going on inside of me and what she  physically saw that I should have been raised as a girl.  But as I said, my grandmother and I and my parents agreed that everything would be Completely quiet.  And that from my parents point of view everything would be ignored.  However, my grandmother and I agreed that I would come out only after I left my parents.  In other words, when I was living on my own.

So that's basically what happened.  But through all those years I had all sorts of negative programming coming at me from every direction trying to convince me that living as a woman was the worst possible idea.  I could ever make.  And that it was wrong or that it was sinful or God only knows what else.  But it was like everything was just constantly in my face.  About it.  And so consequently, all those years, including when I was with my darling Aileen.  Not when I would actually go out with her shopping or when I was with her.  But when I was alone.

Because Aileen was a kind of reinforcement to me to help break all that negative programming.  So that I could actually feel like the woman I actually was. 

Because I actually felt like a female when I was 13 years old.  And even before.But it wasn't until perhaps the last five months.  When I began to realize that this negative programming had basically destroyed most of my life.  Because it had filled my life with a tremendous amount of conflict.  And never really being able to identify with the woman that was inside of me and to feel comfortable with it.  So as I began to come to the end of this second year.  I began to realize that was my next challenge.  To feel comfortable living and being the woman I had always been inside of me and to do so as honestly as I could within my own soul and before God.

Obviously realizing this challenge gave me a tremendous amount of information to have to process and to absorb.  But that is exactly what I mean when I say that I am almost going through a kind of rebirth.  Because that's exactly what is happening.  I'm actually feeling a kind of rebirth beginning to take place inside of me, where I'm actually beginning to feel for the first time in my life.  So were talking from age 13.  So were talking just about 50 years.  So for the first time in almost 50 years.  I'm actually beginning for the first time to feel like what I really have always been all my life.

True.  I can hardly go anywhere in this country safely.  I can hardly go anywhere in the city safely.  I can hardly do anything at all in this world safely without either being attacked or murdered.  Because of how much hatred there is from the Catholic and Christian communities for me being a transgendered female. 

Because the Catholics and Christians would have no problem taking a gun and shooting me down in the streets at any time.  And I don't mean all Catholics and Christians by any means.  But I do mean the majority.  The majority of Catholics and Christians would have no problem taking a gun and shooting the dead.  And then taking a gun to church and thanking God for their ability to kill me.  Because that's how much hatred there is for what I am.  And I know this.  Statistics don't lie, ladies and gentlemen.

But, even given the level of hatred for what I am in this world.  I am finally beginning to feel exactly what I am before God.  And within my own soul.  But it's not an easy process.  Because every day you read in the news more about how the Catholics and Christians want to kill everyone who is gay how they want to murder everyone who is a transgendered female.  And every day in the news you read about either another transgendered female who has been insulted or attacked or verbally assaulted or physically assaulted or even murdered.  It happens almost every day.  Every year in the United States alone 600 women like me.  Transgendered females are murdered.  And every single one of those murders is done by a right wing Christian extremists.  That is a fact.  And it comes from the Bureau of US crime statistics.  So of the Christians don't like that being a fact.  I'm sorry.  If they don't like the fact that members of their own religion are interpreting God as a message to bow to kill gays and murder Jews and kill transgendered females than the Christians need to do a little work on their religion.  It's not my fault that they are making that kind of choice of hatred against me.  It's not my fault that I am doing what I feel in my heart and soul is correct before God.

No one group or one man has the right to interpret God for everyone else.  And that is a mistake.  That should never be the case even though that is exactly how we have set religion up.  So even though I can't really go anywhere.  I'm actually feeling in identifying more with the female inside of me and that's what I mean by a rebirth.  Regardless of my voice.  My voice.  Like some of my friends tell me is just like Lauren Bacall's.  And they don't even give it a thought.  It's the rest of the world that has a problem with me.  No problem as far as I'm concerned.  Because I don't have a problem with me.  The world has a problem with me.  But I don't have a problem with me.  And that's the real deep chasm between me and the world.

So that really is the task at hand.  And because the Republican Party is basically threatening to destroy the entire American culture.  And that they are going to do everything possible to destroy every single life in this country who is not white and Christian or who is not wealthy.  Because that's basically Republican agenda.  And the tea party agenda they want everyone in the United States to basically starve and go hungry.  Because the Republicans believe that only white

Christians and wealthy and members of Congress should have any money at all and should have any rights and the rest of us should be completely screwed or marched into death camps were we are killed because that's the Republican philosophy.  Take from the poor give to the rich.  It was true.  When my father was a Republican leader in Cleveland.  It was true when I met the people who are Republicans who were friends of my father's.  It was true when my grandfather was leading the Republican Party.  And it is true now.  Take from the poor screw the poor screw the middle class give to the wealthy.  That's the mantra that's what they hold onto that is their agenda no matter what they tell you that is their agenda.  Because it is been true for 50 years and even longer.So given the fact that the Republican Party is determined to screw the middle class and make sure that everyone in America starve to death that goes hungry and loses their homes with people killing themselves.  That's what the Republicans want they want to see everyone living in fear and intimidated and scared the hell to do anything and begging for mercy.  Because that's when the Republican Party has the most control.  So given those circumstances there's no point in my making any plans after the first of the year.  There's no point in my thinking that I'm even going to survive beyond February.  So I'm already finalizing

my will.  And I'm already making arrangements to possibly be thrown out of my home.  I'm already making arrangements for Christians to store my home and shoot me to death and burn my home to the ground.  I've already contacted friends.  So that if I am killed after January as a result of the budget simply not

being approved that at least I will die in peace and go to God and to my darling Aileen.

So I can't make any plans.  I can't make any plans whatsoever.  After January 1.  Because the only thing I have to look forward to after January 1 is that I will have no money and I will be thrown out of my home.  And then I will be publicly killed by Christians who will gather around me with guns and shoot me to death and then burn my body and throw my body to the dogs to have them eat my body.  Because that's exactly how the Christians hate me, that's how the Republicans hate me and that's what the Republicans party wants to do to Americans in this country they want to kill American citizens they want to murder everyone in this country was not white and Christian or is wealthy and they are determined to destroy this government.  Because they are never going to allow the wealthy to have to pay any money because they want to make sure that they screw the middle class and screw the poor.

And of course I'm probably with absolute 100% certainty exaggerating.  But so what.  The Republican Party has not given me any indication that they are going to do anything other than to screw the middle class.  So the Republican Party hasn't given me any reason to be able to make any kind of plans after the first of the year.  So I'm not going to.  There's no point in my making any plans after the first of the year.  Because I have no certainty that I'm going to be able to hang onto my home.  Even though it will be paid for.  My home will be paid for completely in February.  I will all this home free and clear except for the Medicaid recovery act debt that will be paid when I die.  Or it.  So other than that I will own this home.  But because Republican Party is going to do everything it can to screw the middle class and the poor probably after the first of the year.  I will be pulled from my home by angry Christians who will shoot me to death.  Like I said, and burn my body and throw my body to dogs for them to eat.  Because that's

what the Christians want to do to all gays in this country.  That's what the Catholics and Christians want to do it all transgendered people in this country because the Catholics and Christians hate transgendered people so badly they would love to kill every one of us and crucify us along the streets.  That's how badly they hate people like me.  And if that's not true, then why are 600 of my sisters dying every year as a result of hatred that the Catholics and Christians have for transgendered females?

So I know for a fact that I am exaggerating.  I know that I am projecting.  I know that I am allowing that fear inside of me to project.  But what can I do?  I don't have any choice.  There is no certainty.  I can't make any plans.  I can't know and have peace in my heart that I'm going to be allowed to live in this home.  When that I'm going to have enough food to eat.  I don't have any assurance of that.  The Republicans don't want me to have any assurance of that because they hate me the tea party hates people like me.  They want to kill everyone like me.  They want to have death camps in this country and murder me, that's how badly they hate people like me.  They don't hate me individually is individually they don't give a damn about me.  And I know that.  Most of the people of this country don't give a damn about me.  And I know that two. 

Because the people really cared about me then they would at least be contacting me.  And nobody does.  Nobody contacts me.  And it's not because I don't contact them.

I don't respond on Facebook.  Because it requires a lot of clicking.  And it's hard to use my speech program on Facebook.  And Facebook is not doing anything to make it easier for people like me to use Facebook with their speech programs. 

So until Facebook makes it easier for me to use my speech program with their service.  I'm just not going to use their service.  At least not that much.  But I do try to interact by posting my Journal on Facebook.  I try also to do the same on the Google service.  But I'm also going through a lot of stuff in my own life that I don't feel like it's fair for me to share that stuff with other people. 

Because most people are not going to understand what I'm going through.  They're not going to understand the psychology of what I'm dealing with. 

They're not going to have the sensitivity to appreciate the difficulty I'm having and trying to find my way in the world.  As a woman when most of the world sees me nothing more than as a freak of nature that should be destroyed.

Which is why the rate of suicide in the transgendered community is so terribly high.  That's a fact.  Ladies and gentlemen.  A lot of my sisters kill themselves because of the hatred that Republicans and Catholics and Christians have for people like me.  They kill themselves.  And the news doesn't say a damn word about it.  Because the newscasters basically don't give a damn about us.  Were nothing but a piece of crap to the new services.  Just like I'm nothing but a piece of crap to most of the people in Cleveland.  So what.  I'm not going to leave Cleveland.  Even though I have had offers to go and live somewhere else a number of times.  And I'm not going to leave Cleveland.  Because my grandfather and my grandmother gave their lives trying to make this city a better city.  Just like they gave their lives trying to make the United States a better country.  So I'm not going to leave Cleveland.  Even though most of the people in Cleveland pretty much hate my guts.  I get the message, which is why I hardly ever go out.  Which is why I only go out once a month.  And then I only go one place. 

And then I come straight home.  And then I don't go out again.  Ever.  Unless I'm going to the Dr. I don't go out ever.  If I want to go outside.  I go in my backyard where no one can see me.  Because it's surrounded with a 7 1/2 foot high fence so that nobody can see me.  And I can enjoy nature privately without being attacked without being insulted.

So with all these things going on trying to find my way and trying to feel comfortable expressing my femininity as the woman I have always been is needless to say a really hard thing to do.  But that's okay.  If things were easy. 

Then I probably would learn anything.  And I probably wouldn't have as much fun.

But that's what I mean about a kind of rebirths.  I'm actually beginning to feel like the woman.  I've always tried to be.  One of the things I do on my computer as I collect thousands and thousands and thousands of fashion model pictures. 

And the reason I do so is because I look at their eye makeup.  I look at their faces I look at how they are coloring their hair.  I look at the close that they wear and I study and then I read online.  I research.  I subscribe to a number of fashion magazines.  And I study and I looked different kinds of products.  I look at how women my age are addressing.  And what kind of hairstyles they have in the shapes of their faces and how they do their eyebrows and how they wear their mascara.  A lot of women my age.  For example, don't use mascara on the lashes on the bottom of their eyes.  And the reason for that is because a lot of women my age are basically identifying with how women during the 40s used to do their I lashes with mascara.  Because during the 40s in film and just generally women would generally use mascara on the upper lashes and then simply use

eyeliner underneath the eye.  So that they would not put mascara on the lower lashes.  And that's something I look at when I look at all these different photographs are.  When I look at fashion magazines.  Because the trend among younger women is to use mascara on both lashes.

But a lot of times, when I do that, the mascara actually doesn't make the I looked any larger.  The eyeliner on top and the eyeliner underneath the eye with mascara only on the upper lashes actually makes the I look larger than putting mascara on both the upper lashes and the lower lashes and then using eyeliner. 

And I've discovered this of course from trial and error and experimentation, and also from looking at these different photographs.And this is extremely important.  Because my life depends on it.  Every time I walk out of my door.  My life is literally in the cross wires.  Every time I walk out of my door.  Because the reality is, as long as people see and they looked me with they think they are supposed to see I am safe.  But the moment someone looks at me and see something they do not think they are supposed to see I can be killed.  So the object of the game when I walk out of this house is that I have to blend in as much as possible.  I have to look perfect in every single way to every detail.  My nails my hair my makeup.  The way I dress the way my close match way my body figure is everything has to look perfect.  I have no margin for error.  Because if I don't blend in if I look like anything that people do not expect to see I can be killed.  That's the reality.

And like I say, I have lost three of my friends who were transgendered who were murdered.  And one actually fell into my arms.  After she was killed.  The details are not important.  The details don't serve anything.  The details don't do anything.  The details don't say anything.

So what I have to do as I move beyond my grief is to become much more culpable with every gesticulation every mannerism every movement, every thought, every emotion that I've had buried inside of me that I could not express or that was in conflict because of all this negative programming and to be comfortable to the extent where I can actually feel like the woman I have always been.  At least just once in my life.  I never had the chance to be able to feel that way because of all of the negative garbage that has been thrown in my face repeatedly.  And I'm not playing the victim and I'm not feeling sorry.  I'm just stating the facts.  And I don't mind living alone.  Not at all.  Because the people in the neighborhood where I live all see me, or at least understand.  In one way or the other that I am a female.  Everyone does.  Because they know that's what I am.  Even the police had second district are wonderfully kind. 

These are really nice and wonderful people who are tremendously courageous because they're putting their life on the line every day.  And they treat me so very kindly.  I can't even begin to express my gratitude for how kind they are.

But they are not the world.  And they are not the majority of people in Cleveland.  It's hard for someone who is not transgendered to fully understand what I'm saying.  But when I'm talking on the phone and I tell someone I'm transgendered.  It only takes me.  Perhaps one and a half seconds for me to know exactly how the other person is responding.  And often times the response is so typical.  So extremely typical.  The country is trying to understand slowly with a lot of resistance, but they are trying to understand.  And that's why I talk about my Transgenderism here in my Journal.  Because it's not just about me. 

It's about my sisters.  Whether they are in their teens or their 20s or 30s or 40s or my age.  My sisters who were also going through various degrees of struggle within themselves trying to identify and to embrace their own femininity.

And to give you an idea of how difficult that is.  Just remember that biologically female.  Women throughout the world have a huge and very difficult task.  And being able to identify with their own femininity.  And part of the reason is because there are so many mixed messages.  The world wants women to look a certain way when they are at work the world wants women to look a certain way when they are home.  So the women sometimes have to look very much like a man.  When they were at work and then they have to look like a man.  When they are at home.  But then, at other times at home.  They have to look like a woman and then the advertising that women are subjected to gives women these terrible images that women try to aspire to.  As far as weight and everything else.

To give you an example.  When you look at Roslyn Russell in gentlemen prefer blondes.  And you look at her shape.  She is basically svelte.  Now that's very interesting.  Because in reality she's gorgeous.  She's really just beautiful.  But in today's society.  She would be considered overweight.  That's the problem.  Ever woman is not anorexic today.  She's not attractive.  So women have all these unspeakable images that they are subjected to.  So they have a very hard time identifying with their own femininity.  Because oftentimes are not even allowed to show their femininity.  Because of all the mixed signals of they are given.

So that's a very difficult issue for biologically female.  Women to be able to deal with.  So imagine how hard it is for a transgendered female to get in touch with their own femininity.  When there is basically no advertising that even deals with us and most of the companies don't even want to accommodate any of us but that also is slowly changing.  But it's not changing as a result of culture exchange.  Because of money.  Because companies are realizing that there are a certain number of transgendered females in the market.  So companies are realizing that there's more money to be made if they expand their product line to accommodate transgendered females.  Because they'll make more money.  So companies are doing that.  Not because they give a damn about transgendered females.  But because they figure they can make money off of us.For example, I have an account at Victoria's Secret.  But I have accounts it probably 75 different places where I, when I can afford it, will purchase one item or another.  And of course, that's for various beauty products or close that I'm trying to get in order to expand my wardrobe.  But all these things are part of it.  And there's nobody here helping me.  Aileen was really like a girlfriend and a sister and my lover and my partner in so many different ways in that regard. 

Because she treated me and related to me exactly like what I was to her.  She was my other heartbeat and still is.  And I am her other heartbeat and I still am.  So she was tremendously helpful to me in getting me to get rid of some of this baggage.  But she's now dead.  So I have to do it alone.  Which is okay.  There are a lot of transgendered females in the world and in this country who are doing the same.  They're not getting very much help.  If any.  And they are getting through.  And so will I.

So that is actually the task at hand.  That's my next project.  But again, I can't make any plans.  Because the Republican Party doesn't want anyone to be able to do that.  They want everyone living in fear.  So that's fine.  So I won't make any plans.  And I don't.  I live my life expecting for angry Christians are Catholics or right wing extremists are breaking the my home at any given moment and burn my home to the ground and kill me.  Even though I know that won't happen in all likelihood I still have to be prepared for it to happen.  That's the reality in which I live.

I joke about it.  A lot of times. Biologically female woman goes out.  It has a bad hair day.  No one says anything except that she's having a bad hair day.  But when I go out and I'm having a bad hair day.  Generally people bring up their guns.  It's a joke.  But it's not a joke.  Because every day a transgendered female, one of my sisters is either being beaten up or killed.  So it's not a joke. It's just the way things are.  There's no choice.  Nothing can be done.  Because the right wing extremists want as many of us dead as possible.  And let's not even talk about the Army of God of the Ku Klux Klan.  Because they don't only hate Jews, which they do.  They hate gays and a transgendered female just as much.  And they will kill anyone of us it.  They get the chance.  That is a given. Because.  What's the point.  There's no way that Plan B on January 1.  That would be stupid.  Because in all likelihood, if the Republicans get what they want they will blow this country right on the water.  Because that's what they want

they want to see all of us living in fear starving to death while they get richer while the wealthy get more money.  Because that's exactly what the wealthy and the white Christians and the tea party and the Republican Party want.  Their arrogance is only equaled by their ugly hatred and their desire to continually maintained the practice of eugenics.

And that's why say there's no real point in me making any kind of plans.  It would be ridiculous for me to think otherwise.  So I don't.  Of course, there are a number of news sources that are reporting that nothing will happen.  But those news sources are suddenly becoming less visible.  Because the Republican Party is digging in their heels and saying that they will kill everyone in this country before they ever allow themselves to go without their pay raise or before they will ever allow the wealthy to spend any money.  Because they want everyone to understand that the wealthy are suffering so badly that everyone who is middle class and poor has the duty to die and to give everything we have to make sure that the wealthy keep being wealthy.  Because the Republican Party wants everyone in America who is middle class and was poured understand.  We don't deserve any money.  We don't deserve any rights.  We don't deserve to have our homes.  We don't deserve to have food to eat we don't deserve to have any money we don't deserve anything except to give everything we have the Republican Party and the tea party and the wealthy.  Because that's all they ever talk about.

So that's why don't make any plans.  There's no point.

So it is here in my Journal where I talk about my femininity.  Because I have no one else to talk to it about.  I don't have a girlfriends.  Then hang around with.  I don't have anyone coming over.  Evelyn is so overcome with grief that she can't even see straight.  And then there's all those other issues going on.  Claude is basically so overworked that he and I hardly get along anymore.  Because he just completely misinterprets everything that's happening with me.  So naturally, everybody is misunderstanding everything that's happening with me, they're not even paying attention.  They don't even get it.  Because of they did they would never feel the way they do.

So as I said, newlyweds I really have to talk about any of this is here in my Journal.  There's no place else.   And I don't have a car anymore.  And even if I did.  I can't really drive.   And the reason I can't is a little complicated but somewhat easy to understand.  The reason I can't drive is because when I'm sitting in the car seat  trying to turn the wheel with my hands, puts more pressure on the top of my spine and partially because of my fusion but also because of my arthritis.  I began to have trouble turning the wheel.  So I realized that it just wasn't a good idea for me to continue driving.  But the end result of that is that I don't have any planes really to go to.  I don't have any place I can go and visit.  I don't have any groups I can attend or people that I can go  have time with.  And in Cleveland.  There just aren't a lot of places for the gay community to go unless you are living in Lakewood, Ohio.

And of course Lakewood, Ohio is the gay community in Cleveland.  So here in my Journal is the only place I have to be able to talk about it.  And what you're seeing in this Journal entry is exactly the way I have always kept my Journal ever since 1968.  That is a fact.  Back in 1968.  I called my Journal, my thought book.  That's what I called it.  And I have tried to express my feelings, politically and financially.  But because I don't really get any feedback from anyone and never really have.  Well I have over the years.  But not anymore.  So, since I don't really get much feedback I never really know if anyone really likes what I'm writing or not.  Although seeing the numbers of people who are reading my Journal generally convinces me that some people are actually enjoying what I'm writing.  But it's a chore.

That's why don't like watching the news.  I read the news.  And I do my best not to react.  Even if I read about cancer or any health issues I never really feel like anyone wants to hear my opinion.  So that's why I don't talk more about it on Facebook or anything else.  I do try to sign petitions.  But that's something Aileen and I did together.  So I keep doing it.

And without a lot of personal reinforcement the job of getting in touch with my femininity becomes all that much harder.  But so what.  In the scheme of things.  Nothing I have ever experienced in my entire life or any disability.  I may have can even come close in any way under any circumstances with the terrible amount of tragedies and the terrible amount of suffering that millions and millions of wonderfully brave men women and children are dealing with everyday.  That's something that I always remind myself no matter what Erie it nothing I have ever gone through and no difficulty I might be having can compare with what others are dealing with.  And that usually snaps me out of ever feeling bad about what I have to go through.  It's just simply the way things are.  Just the way things are.

So tomorrow I will have to curl my hair and make myself look as nice as possible.  For one Evelyn comes over.  I have no idea how Claude is doing.  Our last conversation didn't go very well.  But that's okay.  I have just been having a difficult time getting through this section of the year.  And the Republican Party is doing everything they can to make things as hard as possible.  You have to give them that.  They really do not a screw over the American citizens of this country especially those of us who are middle class and poor.  The Republican Party is consistent.  They have so much hatred for the middle class and poor.  They would love to see all of us.  Just drop dead.  Because they don't give a damn about us at all.  And if that's not true.  I sure would like to see the Republican Party.  Show us with their actions that it is not true.  But they won't do that.  Because they really hate us.  I've never met a Republican in my life that didn't have some degree of contempt for the middle class and the poor.  So that's not ever going to change.

And then on top of it all I have to lose weight in order to maintain my health.  And that is going somewhat well.  I am slowly losing weight.  Some days are better than others but I am slowly getting there.

In any event, I'm going to need to try and get some sleep.  That's always an entertaining thought.  The challenge of trying to go to sleep.  Most of the movies on TV are basically garbage.  So it's all just fun and games until someone loses an eye.  That's a line from the Tarzan movie.  It's a line that my darling Aileen used to really love.

So I will be writing more in my Journal would probably not a lot of new stories.  I just feel like it's so pointless.  I really do.  What I write in my Journal here are actually things that I don't feel comfortable talking with Claude or Evelyn about.  Nor do I ever really have the chance to do so.  I don't really have the chance to talk about these things with anyone.  Except here in my Journal.  And I have things to do in the house.  I have to go through the filing cabinet and move all of the old files into a new folder or a new set of folders.  To make room for the future.  And as I said my health is really improving.  That is exactly what the doctors were hoping.  And when I say doctors let's just be real.  I'm not seeing a team of doctors.  No way.  These are people who I've known through the years.  Doctors in different cities, who I still correspond with one way or the other.  And so yes.  They are hoping that as I lose weight my health will improve.  And in fact it is.

But this weather is just pretty much abysmal.  That's a good word.  It really does sum it up.  So I make what I will do is to watch some TV and play some solitaire and perhaps have a cup of cranberry juice and a cup of herbal tea.  Then I will probably wake up in the middle of the night having breathing problems after which I will probably write in my Journal in order to fall asleep again.  Then I will get up tomorrow morning and start the process all over again.  Great.  My cats are here because they one another can of cat food.  Except I gave them one last night.  So my attitude is that the only way they are going to get a can of cat food is if they take the can opener and get it themselves or if they basically get some clubs and beat me senseless.  Because I'm not going to do that.  Giving them a can of cat food every night is the worst thing to do.  Because of I do that then it's too much for them and they end up getting sick and that's just not what I'm going to do.

Plus Cleo always wants to get up on me and that's a really bad idea.  Especially if I'm wearing nylons.  There's just no way I'm going to let her and her claws near my nylons.  Nothings cheap anymore.  So I am probably going to do just that.  Play some solitaire watch some TV put on something more comfortable.  And get under the covers.  Although what I wear during the day is quite comfortable.  But it's not really.  For getting underneath the covers.

I will write later.

Thank you very much for listening.

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