Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Sleep Talking

Well, that was interesting.  I just woke myself up about 30 min. ago.  After talking in my sleep.  And the crazy thing is I was evidently doing a dictation in my sleep.  Nothing like dancing on the dark side of insanity, to make sure you realize how crazy you really are.

Dragon NaturallySpeaking 11.5.  Sometimes just basically makes me nuts.  But not really.  It's just how much memory everything on my system ends up taking up.  Everything uses memory.  Lots of memory.  Nothing is small anymore.  And of course when I woke up I have breathing problems.  And that's always so much fun.

In any event, one of the issues I have been having with Claude and Evelyn is that I'm having to constantly dance around and be very careful what I say to either one of them.  And I am just fed up with doing that.  It's one of the reasons I just not enjoy and finally became fed up with dealing with my own family.  And I'm not talking about being sensitive and not being sensitive.  I'm talking about literally walking through a minefield when you are around families.  I don't have time for that.  I have enough trouble making my way through my own craziness without having to deal with all sorts of other people's craziness as well.


For two years I have been suggesting to Claude that he could save tons of money on repairing things in his home.  If you would just pay for those extra services on his gas bill and his light bill.  For two years I have been doing that.  And then all of a sudden earlier this month he has to pay out $2100 for a new furnace and then of course complains about having to do that.  And of course, that's perfectly normal.  But at the same time, I'm wondering why the hell he never took me up on my suggestion to simply call the gas company and to call polite company and pay for those extra services but of course trying to get Claude to do anything is basically impossible.  Aileen always had issues at one point or another with Claude and Evelyn along those same lines.  That's where Aileen and I were always on the same page.

When Claude wanted to come out last week and then when I missed his call and called him back he immediately went into the song and dance about how his daughter needed him and he wasn't going to be able to come out after he had just left me a message 30 min. before saying he would be able to come out.  And it was of course before today's date.  Meaning the day Aileen died.  So I basically told him I was having a crappy week and that he should call me next week and then I simply hung up the phone.  I was irritated that he had called and said he was coming out and then said he wasn't.  I'm ambivalent enough in my own life.  Dealing with ambivalence see in other people's lives is again irritating.

Then of course the reality is that Aileen died tomorrow, not today.  Although today is is the day when tonight.  I actually sat vigil for her.  But she actually died on November 20 at 3:30 AM.  Which is why Evelyn of course wants to come out tomorrow.  Everyone thinks that tomorrow is actually tougher then today.  Which is not really true.  Because on the day she died.  I basically left Malachi House at about 7:30 AM.  So I that time everything was pretty much done.  That's why even though she died on November 20.  Today is actually the tougher of the two days.

I think what I'm going to have to do, regarding this system.  Is that I'm going to have to go back to using my android phone for my routine daily alarms.  Because keeping MS Outlook open all the time is just not working.  It's just taking up way too much memory on the system to make anything else work very effectively.  So I think that's what I'm going to end up doing before go back to sleep.

Then when I woke up, because this house.  Basically doesn't have very much insulation if any.  And because the temperature is back in the 30s.  When I woke up the house was pretty much quite cold.  Which naturally made my arthritis feel just great.  But I turned up the heat.  And that feels so much better.  My back has enough pain is of use.  I generally don't like to add to the pain.  If I can possibly help it.

On MS Outlook space.  The reality is that there are some times when I need to have it open while I am in fact trying to do a Journal entry.  So under those circumstances, I probably will not get rid of the alarms in MS Outlook.  That's not the real problem.  The real problem is the iSpy program.  It's just so very system intensive.  The matter how you configure it.  It is just really system intensive.  I'm almost at the point of only wanting to use it as a surveillance camera when I'm actually not home.  Or when I would rather not get up from my chair in order to see who is at the front door.  Because it basically launches in something like 3 seconds or 4 seconds.  Once it is launched it takes about 10 seconds to begin recording.  However, the image of what it is looking at comes up almost instantaneously.  And I just don't have the system resources.  I need in order to have it running all the time.  Especially while I'm trying to do dictations.

And then of course there's the whole matter of Windows 8 .  According to some of the people I've talked to Windows 8 is nothing more than a slightly revamped Windows 7 .  So there really is no major incentive for me going to Windows 8 at all.  Plus, as I said before, reports I'm getting is that Dragon NaturallySpeaking definitely and absolutely does have issues with Windows 8.  So I think that is the cure.  And that's easy to do.  I actually have a kind of peephole in my front door.  So that I can very quietly step up to the front door without anyone knowing and be able to see who is outside.  So that's probably what I'm going to end up doing.

Then of course there is my voice which right now is totally trashed.  That always happens after I have a slight issue with breathing during the night.  That's always fun.  Sort of like just being given a 100,000 check reward for something.  And as you are stepping off the bus on your way to the bank, the bank is being robbed and someone runs financed use your check.  That's when you know that God has a gun sight and it's trained on you.  Just kidding.  But that's what trying to deal with my voice changing all the time is like.  If my voice gets any lower it will probably disappear.

I know Claude is really probably sort of pissed off at me that I'm not kissing his ass.  But I never was really any good at that.  Meaning kissing ass.  I know there are people who do that all the time when they go to work.  And sometimes they are also called brown nosers.  But in any event, I'm just not very good at doing that.  I'm to honest for my own good sometimes.  I just say things the way they are and leave it at that.  Now of course I have a splitting migraine headache which is always just much more fun with everything else.  Anyone who thinks that getting older is fun is probably either deluded or crazy or just basically is not paying attention.  Getting older is not fun.  Getting older basically stinks.  But that's one of those aspects of life we really just don't have any choice.  So you either put up and shut up and deal with it or you end up always in a bad mood.  And I'm not one of those people who slough things off.  I am one of those people that basically does put up and shut up and simply get things done.

See the reality is that I have tremendous sensitivity for what so many millions of people are going through in this world.  And I have the sensitivity to such an extent that I generally never really make a very big deal about what I have to deal with in my own life.  But what I'm confronted with a lot of times is the fact that most people don't really have that much sensitivity toward others.  So when people see me looking like I'm in my early 40s.  They really have no idea how much pain.  I am them all the time or how much difficulty I have just getting through the day..  And while I personally won't make much of a big deal about the trouble I'm having getting through the day.  The reality still is that I have a lot of trouble getting through the day physically.  It's just the way things are.  And then on top of that when I have to deal with all the other stuff that's going on in my life.  It really turns into a kind of balancing act with plates.

With regard to Claude and Evelyn.  I'm not opposed to having both of them to mount at the same time.  But when they do it's like I'm an insect and they're having fun basically ganging up on me.  With criticisms and suggestions about what I'm supposed to do in my life.  And that's the last thing I want to hear from anyone.  I don't need to be told what I should be doing in my life to do with what I'm dealing with.  I know how to deal with what I have to do in my life.  I need anything from anyone.  It's more simply someone perhaps occasionally to just lean on.  Or to get a hug from.  But that's part of it.  Aileen's dead.  So I am basically never touched anymore.  And that in itself is a real speed stop.

I just took some aspirin.  So at least my headache should be going away sometime soon.  Generally aspirin takes about 20 min. to get into your system.  And during that time you need to basically stay somewhat stationary.  Which is what I'm trying to do.

On my system, I just made a memory allocation modification which has fixed the problem of system acceleration.  I was actually testing out something and it didn't work.  This other method is working much better.

The aspirin is finally kicking in.  That's something that most people may not be aware of.  With regard to aspirin.  It not only resolves or take care of a headache.  But it is also an inflammatory.  Meaning that if you are having arthritic pain or muscle aches that is generally due to one form of inflammation at the joints.  So aspirin can actually lower or decreased that inflammation.

See most people don't really understand what I have to deal with all the time.  But if you look at the picture that is in the right side panel of this Journal.  You will see a picture of my back.  And if you look at that picture more closely you will see that my left collarbone is actually almost coming out of my body.  Because of how out of position.  It really is.  And that of course sets up a tremendous amount of pain in my left shoulder and my left arm a lot of times.  And generally the pain.  Which is why I'm having now runs down my left arm all the way to my left hand and is usually at about a level 8.  Though tonight.  It is more closely at a level 9.




Then of course my hands and feet.  Because my veins and arteries are twisted throughout my abdomen from the operation have really horrible circulation.  So for example tonight.  I have my electric blanket on over my legs and I have the heat level up at approximately level 5.  And this is basically cooking my legs in order to promote better circulation while I have my feet up.

See my life is a lot different than what most people understand.  When I got out of the hospital in 1968.  For the first three years.  There was a separate kind of training I had to go through both in Cleveland.  And while I was at school in Tucson, Arizona.  And the training was designed to teach me how to calculate movement.  Because that is what I actually have to do.  I have to calculate every single move that my body makes no matter what.  Whether I'm lying down or standing or walking.  Every single movement has to be measured and calculated before I make the movement.  Because mice fine is so fragile from the operation that if I make a wrong movement I can basically lock up a portion of my spine where I won't be able to move at all for up to about a week.  Although there are therapeutic exercises I can do to attempt to free up my spine.

That's why I stay in contact with doctors from the different places I've lived over the years.  I have a doctor in Boston.  I have two doctors in Houston.  I have one Dr. in Denver and a nurse in Denver.  And then I have a nurse practitioner who used to be a physical therapist in Durango, Colorado.  So if I began to have issues I always immediately dash off an e-mail to one of them to get their opinion.  That's where this whole issue of the course it came about.

In 1976 one I began working in Boston it was actually an orthopedic nurse who knew I was transgendered and explained to me that with the nerve damage I have that regardless of whether I was going to hide my Transgenderism or not that I needed to start wearing extremely soft undergarments next to my skin in my upper body or for my upper body.  Because the coarseness of most fabrics is actually really painful to the skin on my back.  Because my back basically has no muscle whatsoever.  The only muscle my back has is on the outside of my shoulder blades.  But inside the shoulder blades.  There's basically no muscle whatsoever.  The only muscle that exists inside of my shoulder blades.  I actually had to create with the second kind of therapy that was going on.  From 1968 All the Way until 1973.  And it was actually a kind of sports medicine therapeutic set of exercises that actually were designed specifically for my condition by two different sports therapists one in Denver and one in Cleveland.

So for five years.  I had to do these exercises with my arms and my waist.  Just to be able to build any muscle at all inside the shoulder blades.  And remarkably, it was this nurse in Boston earlier this year who I put in touch with this nurse practitioner in Durango, Colorado and when they shared an e-mail.  They both concluded that I absolutely had to start wearing a corset.  They thought it was completely insane that the orthopedic doctors had never suggested a mid-drift back brace.  Because they both concluded that if I started wearing a corset unless I was actually lying down that the pressure on my spine.  Would be greatly reduced and I would have a much easier time walking.  And they were absolutely right.

So about three months ago I was, through e-mail, talking with this nurse practitioner in Durango.  And she just said to go to someplace like JCPenney or any of these other outlets stores and get myself a nice corset.  One that I could undo from the front.  Which is what I did.  I found a really nice white satin corset with hooks in the front.  And as soon as I put that on one I'm standing up the pressure on my lower spine is reduced so greatly that it's actually easier for me to breathe with it on.  So basically I keep the corset right next to the chair in which I sleep.  That way if I have to get up I can just simply wrap it around and put it on.

They both concluded that it was remarkable that my Transgenderism, or my living as a woman was actually helping my physical condition due to my spine.  Because as I said before, due to the position of my left hip the moment I put on 3 inch or 4 inch heels the lower portion of my left hip is actually pushed upward very slightly to the point where it relieves pressure on my blown out nerves in my left leg where I no longer have hardly any limp at all.  And that plus to corset makes it much easier for me to walk.  I still have a certain amount of difficulty going downstairs.  But going upstairs is a great deal easier.

Then of course after I have one of these breathing problems.  I naturally get a rather significant upset stomach.  To the point where I almost want to upchuck.  So I'm having a little coffee to settle my stomach.  And that's something else.  If I put cream in my coffee within a matter of five or 6 min. I will have terrible gastric pains.  That's where the ulcerated colitis seems to be coming in.  Changing my diet to basically oats and par broiled rice with nothing more than salt and a little margarine has reduced the colitis.  Meaning the ulcerated colitis so much that I have no bleeding at all anymore.  And I basically can have meat periodically.  But if I have it on any kind of a consistent basis.  The ulcerated colitis immediately comes back.

And again, that wasn't even discovered until 1971, I was just about to compete in the state meet for cross-country when I was at Tucson, Arizona going to southern Arizona school.  I was furious.  Because I was actually so good at running that there was a discussion about me being able to compete at the national level.  But one it was discovered that I had this ulcerated colitis that discussion immediately disappeared.  And that's where this nurse in Denver then suggested that I change my athletic activity from running to bicycling.  Which I did.

And my athletic activities always had to be in every way, extreme.  Because that was the only way I would actually be able to fight some of the pain.  I was constantly in while at the same time maintaining some degree of muscle tone to the point where I would be able to manage my pain better.

And what is remarkable is that when I was at southern Arizona school.  There were two reasons why I never took my shirt off.  And one of course, was because I didn't want anyone seeing my back or the scars.  But the other reason was because I actually had breasts.  Although I was able to really hide the fact that I had breasts by the way that I My weight extremely low and by how I would walk or stand.  But if I was around the other students.  I always was wearing a T-shirt or a shirt of some kind.  And it was actually a doctor in Tucson who noticed that I didn't have breasts.  And we had a discussion about that when I was being trained in measuring and calculating my movements.

And another reason why I have to calculate my movements is because I have a very slight.  And I mean extremely very slight thyroid imbalance.  It is nowhere near enough for any kind of medication or any kind of operation at all.  But it is enough that if I don't measure and calculate my movements that if I'm trying to walk through a door.  I will always walk into the doorframe.  And that people have seen all through my life.  If I'm rushing and forget to measure the distance between myself and the doorway nine times out of 10 I will walk right into the doorframe.

So again every movement I make has to be calculated.  Because the reality is that what a normal person can do in one movement of their body it normally takes me three or four movements of my body to make the same movement.  Which is why any kind of intimacy that Aileen and I had became rather difficult.  We of course worked around that.  But that's just one aspect of all the things I have to deal with.  And that's one of the reasons why Aileen was actually my fifth wife.  Because the women I kept meeting were much more interested in getting to my mother and father's money than they were in trying to understand some of the difficulties physically that I had to deal with.  I basically had no sensitivity to it at all.  Not to mention the fact that I had this entire aspect of me that was transgendered.

So basically my life was just one train wreck waiting to happen.  After another.  But finally the aspirin is kicking in.  The pain in my shoulder and my arm on my left side is now going down to about a level VII, which is much more tolerable.  My headache is virtually gone.  My stomach is settling down and having some coffee.  See, in my coffee all I have are 3 teaspoons of sugar and then black.  And my breathing problems are subsiding.  Mostly the pain just makes you really tired.  That's what it really does.  You have to use so much energy to be able to deal with the constant pain that you end up getting tired.  Which is another reason why I had to be so extremely athletic all my life.  To keep my energy levels up.

Plus I've been hypoglycemic ever since I was like nine years old.  So most of the time.  I don't eat as a result of being hungry, I eat when my sugar goes out of balance.  Which is why par broiled rice is one of the best things for me to have because 1/2 cup of par broiled rice will actually give my pancreas about nine hours of stability.  Meaning that my sugar levels stay fairly constant and stable during that time.

The breathing problems are basically stupid.  Because part of the reason why I have breathing problems is generally why a lot of people have the same issues.  It's the forced air heating.  Because the forced air heating actually dries out the air.  So badly inside the home that you end up having difficulty breathing at one time or another.  A lot of people have told me that they have the same kind of issues with forced air heating.  And yet forced air heating has become the norm.  Which is sort of dumb because it's creating a lot of problems for people, regarding breathing as they are sleeping.

And the dangers as to why I can't lie down our basically twofold.  On the one hand, because of the way the plaster cast was on my body I have sleep apnea.  So bad that I actually stop breathing almost 40 times every minute.  If I am lying flat on my back.  But the other reason is because my left lung only has about 10% functionality.  Which means the very bottom portion of my left lung almost always has a certain amount of fluid that collects there.  So with the apnea and then the fluid.  That's at the bottom portion of my left lung if I lie on my back, what ends up happening is not only do I stop breathing.  About 40 times every minute.  But the potentiality of my stopping breathing altogether becomes extremely strong to the point where I can actually stop breathing for good.  If I lie on my back.

Aileen actually had to resuscitate me at one point.  Because of this happening.  And we both got a real wake-up call about that.  And when that happened for about a year and a half.  We kept trying to prop myself up in bed.  So that I would not have any of the fluid moving up in my left lung.  But eventually it got to the point where I had to sleep, either in the chaise lounge or in a chair.

And as I've said, all this junk is nothing, compared to what millions and millions of amazingly courageous men women and children are dealing with every single second.  Throughout this world.  I'm only talking about it.  Because I really never have explained all the different issues.  And these issues are virtually invisible what other people see me.  Because when people see me.  There is no way that I look 62 years old.  That's what everyone says.  In reality.  That's actually do the fact of what I eat.  Because I don't eat a lot of the junk that other people do.  And in addition, it's because of how athletic I have had to be all my life.

Also because of the circulation problems I have in my legs I've had to wear nylons on my legs.  Meaning at least knee-highs or more ever sense I think it was 1975.  Although my circulation slightly improved in my lower legs, but not including my feet, when I was more aggressively a bicycle racer.  But my feet and my hands have always had really bad circulation.  But again, that has nothing to do with my heart.  Because every time they measure my heart.  They always see the same thing.  That my heart is basically like a locomotive.  It's amazingly strong.  It's all of the twisted and tangled and even damaged arteries in my legs and arms.  Which never really in any way causes a problem for my heart.

And that also was one of the reasons why this nurse practitioner in Durango and this doctor in Denver suggested I move my bathroom from downstairs back upstairs.  Because they both concluded that going up and down the stairs would increase my metabolism and basically provide me with a certain amount of daily exercise that would facilitate in better circulation and also strengthen my legs.

There are even exercises I do while I'm basically lying in bed which is what I'm doing now.  And my bed is actually sitting in the chair, but I have another chair where I've taken part of it apart.  Because it's actually the same level as the chair I'm sitting in.  So I can put my legs straight out in front of me and have the electric blanket over my legs just as if I were in a chaise lounge.  And so while I'm in bed.  There are actually stretching exercises I can do with my spine to relieve some of the pain I have throughout my upper spine and shoulders.  And there are actually movements I can make with my lower spine.  By shifting my body to relieve some of the pain around my lower spine and my upper hips.

Plus, what I have is a back scratch or that's hanging on the wall right by my chair so if my nerves begin to basically start short-circuiting, I can take the back scratch or and run over my back to stimulate the nerves so that the pain from the nerves short-circuiting is then really tremendously reduced.  Like I said, every single movement I make has to be calculated.

During the evening.  If I'm going to get a couple coffee.  I can actually do that fairly easily without the back brace.  Meaning the corset.  But if I'm going to be up for more than three or 4 min. absolutely I have to wear the corset.

It says I've said before.  My Transgenderism, or my living as a woman has a great deal more to do with my spirituality and my physical health.  Then anyone could ever imagine.  And there is every indication like I said, that my Transgenderism or my living as a woman goes all the way back to when I was like nine years old.  And before.  And that's what's remarkable.  Because my grandmother actually saw something in my body when I was 13 that totally convinced her that I should have been raised as a girl.  Regardless of any of the other physical aspects of my body.

Here's something that's rather interesting.  If I move my arms or my hands in any way that could be considered masculine.  Those movements are actually more difficult for me to do.  Because of how they increase the nerve pain in my hands and my arms then moving my arms and my hands in a more feminine manner.  And were talking about something as slight as how I move my hands in relation to my arms.  So my movements with my hands and my arms is extremely feminine and much more relaxed.  Because by doing that.  I'm actually able to decrease the pain in my upper arms and shoulders.  And in my upper back.

Like I said, it's hard for people to see everything going on with me unless I actually explain it.  And I really feel stupid when I have to explain things like this.  Because most people either don't get it.  Or they basically don't understand.  Or they don't believe that it's real.  At least until they see my spine.  Once they see my spine.  They absolutely understand.  I mean, you only have to see my spine.  Once, at which point you totally understand.  And the reality is, that what they did to me in 1968 was never done.  Again.  Because they actually had to design a specific procedure for how to operate on my spine, because of the other complications going on.  And today for spinal fusions like what I had and what I have in my back.  The procedure is completely different.  Because today, all that is done is nothing more than a procedure that involves cadmium rods.  So, where I was basically in the hospital on my back in the 75 pound plaster cast for 8 1/2 months.  The procedure now is so less invasive that within a week to 10 days the spinal fusion patient is out of the hospital and basically has no scars on their back whatsoever.

And you can bet on this.  The psychological junk that I have had to go through dealing with all of this stuff.  That's a completely different train wreck.  When I was at southern Arizona school, one of the things that actually was moving me closer and closer to coming out as a transgendered female.  Were the smells.  When the other boys would come off the athletic field.  The smell of their sweat was actually making me sick to my stomach.  Because it was bringing back to me all of the smells of my own cast.  When I was in the hospital.  Which when I was in the hospital.  The smell was so bad that I would end up up chucking about once a day.  Because it was bringing back all of the psychological and the way I was basically repulsed by the smell of my own cast.

Plus when I was in the cast and this is absolutely remarkable.  Because I was in that cast for eight months.  Before the winter months, when I would wake up.  I would actually see one or two moths flying out of my cast.  How they got in there I have no idea.

Those eight months in the hospital were pure hell.  Like I said, I basically have lost most of my memory from what actually happened in the hospital.  Generally the pain in my upper body and my lower legs actually gets so bad.  A lot of the time that if I give into the pain I actually get dizzy.  So I have to really Regiment my thinking all the time.  Constant control.  Hardly ever a moment to just relax.  Which is something I was actually able to do with Aileen.  I could lean on her shoulder what we were lying in bed and feel her arms around me, and I really was able to relax.  And if I don't like get dizzy.  Generally, what ends up happening is I end up getting slightly lightheaded from the pain.  So then I either have to look at my sugar levels.  At which point I have perhaps a bowl of oats.  Or, I have to reposition my body.

But right now it feels more like I need a bowl of oats.

See, with hypoglycemia.  The basic rule is you have to take in more protein than carbohydrates or sugars..  Because by doing that.  You then give the pancreas the natural sugars it's looking for to maintain stability.  So consequently, you end up playing what is called, the sugar game.  And that's basically where you judge how much time you are going to get before you end up losing your sugar based on what you are eating.  For example, one glass of milk, whole milk, or 2%.  Will generally give me about five or six hours of stability.  I hamburger will give me about 10 hours of stability.  But a steak will give me almost 12 hours of stability.  But of course because of the problems with my large intestines.  I can't eat a steak.  So a bowl of oats with 2 1/2 teaspoons of sugar will generally give me about four or five hours of stability.  And a cup of coffee with no cream and 3 teaspoons of sugar will actually accelerate my metabolism while at the same time manipulating my pancreas in such a way so that I can actually get about four to about five hours of stability.  But only if I have some kind of protein at the same time, during that time.  Meaning during the four or five hours of stability.

And it's really important again to mention that what I'm going through is nothing compared to what others are dealing with.  Anyone who is disabled.  In any way has a whole laundry list of things they have to deal with every single minute.  And there are so many different disabilities that all of us are living with, or at least most of us are living with.  Unless you actually know someone who is an epileptic for example, you have no idea of the level of control and the laundry list of things that they have to contend with.  The same is true for cancer patients, or cerebral palsy or autism just about every single disability.  You can imagine.  Because once you have any kind of disability law you immediately get a huge laundry list of things you have to contend with.  Which makes the Republican Party.  Just so absolutely coldhearted.  Like they don't even give a damn.

And the first thing that happened when you begin to lose your sugar if you are hypoglycemic is of course your breathing begins to suffer.  Because there is something called, the respiratory cascade.  This is the network of veins and arteries that surround your lungs.  And it's those veins and arteries that actually process.  Meaning they pass the oxygen into the long and they extract the CO2 from the lung.  So when you are losing your sugar.  The amount of oxygen and CO2 that those veins and arteries can process immediately becomes severely diminished.  Not to the point where you are suffocating.  But definitely to the point where it is harder to breathe.

So the first thing you notice after you taken a little bit of protein is a condition that people with hypoglycemia call, getting their air back.  And what that means is that as soon as you taken a little bit of protein it suddenly becomes a lot easier to breathe.  Which is what I am experiencing right now.  So if I sometimes become short in my Journal.  Trust me I'm not a mean person.  I'm just dealing with a laundry list of junk most of which is really stupid.  At least that's how I have always felt about it.

An issue these you start getting your air back.  You really just feel probably 200% better.  But in reality.  Like I said, the pain just really makes you tired.  And that's only the physical junk.  When you add to that the psychological baloney that I have to deal with and then of course losing my darling wife Aileen.  Like I said, it's a train wreck.  And often times I laugh at how much of a train wreck it really is.  And of course when I'm sitting up.  I'm actually having to do exercises with my lower spine.  If I'm not wearing my corset.  And that's one of the reasons the doctors are sort of split on my continuing smoking.  Because some of the doctors believe that the relief.  I am getting from smoking as far as blood sugar and body chemistry.  In addition to potential pain management actually outweigh the negative effects.

So I've had my bowl of oats.  And the immediate effect I'm having is of course it's easier for me to breathe.  And the oats in my stomach are actually reducing some of the acid levels from the drainage I was having from my nasal canal.  And as my sugar levels come back up, it becomes a lot easier for my metabolic rate to slow down and not race.  At which point it then becomes easier for me to relax enough to where I can actually try and sleep again.

I am including a picture of my back at the bottom of this Journal article so that you can actually see some of what I am talking about.  I don't usually like to do that.  It always makes me rather embarrassed having to show what actually happened to my back.  Because when I do so many people immediately accuse me of feeling sorry for myself.  Which is not true.  But with the nerve damage I have in my back.  For example, I generally either have to wear camisole or perhaps a slip meaning a full body slip in order to quiet the nerves.  Plus like I say, I have to generally be in nylons most of the time.  Although in warmer weather my nerves tend to not react as badly in my legs as they do during colder weather.

That's what I say.  Some nights I go to sleep asking God if I can't just die.  Not because I'm suicidal because I get tired.

And everything I have described so far is only about one third of everything I have to go through.  Because I am only talking about.  Perhaps one third of the various things that are wrong with my body.  If I said everything that I'm dealing with.  Most people would either not believe it or would basically be just completely shocked.  And again, I end up feeling really dumb when I have to try.
Everything.  It's so much easier to simply live alone.  Were I don't have to explain anything to anyone.  Again.  Because most people just don't get it.  It's just the way it is.

Generally, when I am getting my air back for about the first 5 min. my body is actually still acclimating to having a more normalized level of oxygen flow.  So a lot of times what I will do is take very slow, but deep breaths in order to increase the oxygen going into my right lung.  At which point.  Like I said, I actually am able to breathe a lot easier.

So for undergarments, I have about 10 different types of camisoles that I wear under my outer garments at all times.

Finally.  I can feel the oxygen.  It really becomes hard to breathe when I'm losing my sugar.  There is a way of dealing with that.  If you're not able to get any protein right away.  You generally have to slow everything way down.  And by doing that you decrease the amount of oxygen that your body needs so that you can actually keep going until you can get some protein.  Finally.  I can feel my body starting to relax.  That always feel so good.  It just feels really good.  I can feel the oxygen levels coming back up.  And believe it or not.  It actually causes my spine to relax a bit.

See I have to shave almost all the body hair that I have.  Because my body hair actually makes wearing most clothes very uncomfortable due to the nerve damage.

So now you are getting a glimpse of what my daily life is actually like.  I'm sure you are just thrilled with that.  Just kidding.  No one in their right mind would be thrilled with that.  That's why I have such a weird sense of humor.  Because without laughter I literally would absolutely go completely crazy.  I wouldn't stand a chance.  I can really breeze again.  That's always a great feeling.  But I have to get up in about three hours.  And because I'm having night mares tonight, for whatever reason.  And probably going to put on a funny movie and try and go back to sleep.  But before I do that.  I'm probably going to do some auto tuning of my speech profile.  It's always something.

Which is why one of my favorite lines is, what doesn't kill us drives us completely out of our minds.  Or, life sucks and then you die.  And then of course I start laughing.

Thank you very much for listening.

The mind is like a book. Opened and much is learned. Closed and nothing is learned. (N. Maschke – 1994)

"THEY CAME FIRST for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

THEN THEY CAME for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

THEN THEY CAME for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

THEN THEY CAME for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

and by that time no one was left to speak up."

Pastor Martin Niemöller

      Child Poverty Statistics:

    • 25,000 children die each day from poverty
    • 1041 children die every hour due to poverty
    • 17 children die every minute from poverty
    • 750,000 children die every month from poverty
    • 9,000,000 children die every year from poverty

    Child mortality Statistics:

    • 9.2 million children die every year
    • 780,000 children die every month
    • 26,000 children die every day
    • 18 children die every minute

    An estimated 9.2 million children under the age of five will die this year – nearly 26,000 per day or 18 every minute. This is greater than the annual number of deaths from 1. AIDS (2 million), malaria (900,000), and tuberculosis (1.5 million) combined. 2. Neonatal disorders, pneumonia and diarrhea are the major causes of under-five mortality.

    Globally, 80 percent of all child deaths are due to only a handful of causes: neonatal causes, pneumonia, diarrhea, and malaria. 3. Pneumonia or sepsis, pre-term delivery, and asphyxia at birth are the leading causes of neonatal deaths. Malnutrition is responsible for over a third of child deaths.


    And, according to recent United States statistics, there are approximately 43,000 suicides that take place, in the United States every single year. That would be one suicide taking place, by children as young as 12, or possibly younger, up to our oldest citizens. Approximately every 15 minutes.

    Not one single penny that the pro-life movement spends on their so-called pro-life movement goes toward saving any of these “living” children’s lives. Not one single cent. Which means that not one single cent of the so-called pro-life movement is being used to save any of the amazing children and absolutely fantastic women, and men, who are being killed, or suffering horribly, every single minute. so naturally, it becomes impossible to conclude that the pro-life movement is pro-life at all, if they will not even save the lives of living children and men and women. But will always only be concerned with, and define life as the “fetus” only. And THAT’S NOT how their own God Jesus Christ defines life, in their own Bible.

    Which means that the pro-life movement is not pro-life at all. Because their money is “not” going to save any living life on this planet. Their money is only going toward forcing women to bear children against their will. And that’s not how their own God, Jesus Christ defines pro-life.

If The Almighty will not allow the smallest sparrow to fall from the sky, why, should we, the creations of that same Almighty, do any less?


    With 78% of the population of the United States being Christian, (US Religious Demographic Statistics ) that also means that 78% of all the:

    incidents that take place every year, are committed by approximately 78% of the population, meaning people who claim to be Christians. (US Religious Demographic Statistics ). And that is something that the Christian conservatives , and those who are Catholics, never seem to want to discuss, and in many, if not , cases, will lie about. Unless they are forced to do so, and/or tell the truth, in a court of law.

    And again, their own God, Jesus Christ says in their own Bible, not to judge anyone, and not to hurt anything that God makes. That’s anything. So, these statistics are really meant to illustrate about being responsible for one’s own choices and actions. That would be, in their own Bible, free-will choices and free-will actions.


    My Statement On Religion

    For the record, I do not now, nor have I ever hated any human being on earth. I do not hate, regarding my spirituality, and spiritual beliefs, anything that God did make. Meaning that I do not hate the “humanity” that exists within any human being. However, God did not make the personal choices that humans make, regarding how they behave, and/or present themselves, to the world. So if a human being chooses, of their own free will to demonstrate their behavior with racism, bigotry, prejudice, and hatred for other humans, on the basis of their own free will choice as to how they define their spirituality within themselves, that is their own choice. So I do not hate any human being for being that which God did make. I hate only the choices and the manner in which humans have decided to demonstrate their behavior to one another. I do not hate religion. However, I will never give my support to “any” religion, that has ever caused harm to, or killed, a single human being, in any way, as a result of the religion demonstrating, or manifesting it’s presence in the world. If any religion has ever harmed or killed a single human being, I respect the right of all humans to believe what they want in life. I, personally, will under no circumstances give my support for any religion, or theological belief, that has ever harmed or killed even a single human being. This is what I have dedicated my life to as a spiritualist and a pacifist here on earth. So any attempt by anyone to portray me as hating anyone is a lie. Because that is not so. The foregoing clearly shows that I have no hatred for humankind or for any religion.



    My Pro-Life Statement

    For the record, I am pro-life . I do not support violence against, or the killing of any human being under any circumstances! And the only way that I ever deviate from that stand is that I do not believe that God has ever given any human the right to dictate to any woman how she is to arbitrate her life with the Almighty, and/or God . Therefore, I believe that all women deserve the right to choose for themselves the fate of their own bodies, pursuant to their relationship with the Almighty, and/or God . My position regarding this statement is more fully explained in my article entitled: Second Gear.


    The mind is like a book. Opened and much is learned. Closed and nothing is learned. (N. Maschke – 1994)

Personal Further Reading:

My Significant Journal Entries:

  1. My Biographical Profile
  2. Public Declaration
  3. My Complete Medical Record Of My Caregiving For Aileen
  4. Finding Neverland
  5. How Do I love thee. The First Anniversary Of Aileen's Rosebush
  6. My Philosophy of Life
  7. Second Gear, My discussion of my Pro-Life, and Pro-Choice Position
  8. The Time I was hired to photograph and met President-elect Ronald Reagan
  9. My 250 Million Variable Characteristic Hieroglyphic Language
  10. My Global Warming Research
  11. Quantum Mechanics And Newtonian Metaphysics, Originally Dictated On Friday March 19, 2010 (two days before Aileen collapsed and was told she only had 2 months left to live
  12. Pressurized Moments
  13. Religion 101
  14. I Am An Iconoclastic Human Rights Advocate
  15. The Dark Lord
  16. Sand On The Floor
  17. A Human Comedy
  18. The Tortoise And The Hare
  19. Fear: One of Life's Great Motivators
  20. Give Me That Old Time Religion
  21. The Real Explanation of What’s Going On With Japan
  22. The Shadow People
  23. The Music Of The Spheres
  24. The Maschke Dynamic
  25. At Last
  26. Midnight Madness
  27. A Speck Of Dust On A Dirty Beach
  28. Choices of The Heart
  29. Oh There You Are
  30. Finding The Path
  31. Death Be Not Proud
  32. John Denver-The Box
  33. Relevancy
  34. The Environment Of My Mind
  35. The Dented Soul
  36. Talking To The Ghosts In My Heart
  37. A Rumpled And Misunderstood Life
  38. The Metaphysics of Hatred
  39. System Update: The Metaphysics Of Computing
  40. The Letter
  41. Human Rights
  42. Human Rights-An Analysis Part I
  43. Human Rights-An Analysis Part II
  44. Appearances Are Deceiving
  45. Unfinished Business
  46. The Velvet Hammer
  47. Reality Always Wins
  48. Midnight With The Iron Maiden
  49. The Difference Between Love And Hate
  50. System Update: Comprehensive
  51. Rummaging Through An Old Drawer
  52. Tidying Up
  53. Climbing The Mountain
  54. Clear Vision
  55. Dancing In The Backyard With My Weed Wacker
  56. Exercises In Multi-Directional Thinking
  57. Having Dinner At The Gates Of Hell
  58. Assured Distance
  59. The Dignity Of The Human Soul
  60. The Remarkable Thing
  61. Two … Three … One …
  62. Following The Footprints In The Sand
  63. Second Sight
  64. In The Midst Of Darkness A Single Spark Of Light Guides My Way
  65. Battling Demons In The Darkness
  66. Israel Hits Hamas Government Buildings
  67. Shadow Boxing
  68. Looking At Future's Past
  69. Circles Of Synchronicity
  70. Well That Was A Bad Idea

The mind is like a book. Opened and much is learned. Closed and nothing is learned. (N. Maschke – 1994)