Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Paper Shuffling

It's been a day of illumination.  The public declaration I have put up is just one of those once a year.  Things that has to be done.  And additionally, with the mortgage being paid off in February, as I said, it's just something that needs to legally be stated, regarding not only my life, but aspects of my family.  So that when the mortgage is paid off.  There aren't any issues of red tape.

The process of my grief is actually moving to a place where I am having a good bit more control of it that I have had in the past.  And according to everyone I have spoken with, this is completely normal.  Today, in 2010, was actually as I said, in an earlier post, the very last day my darling Aileen was conscious.  So, the next hurdle is going to be of course November 20.  Evelyn is pretty much very devastated.  But this is extremely understandable.  It was her sister.  And Evelyn had a very difficult time when their mother died years ago.  So again it really is quite understandable that she's having the difficulty that she is having.

Claude, having two grandchildren, is really extremely pressed at this time of the year.  Shelley basically doesn't have a lot of time.  And that's fine.  My friend is still coming into town for my birthday in the new year.  At least at this writing.  And this is just one of the different friends I do have left in the world.  And that will be nice.

I don't really see any major problems dealing with November 20.  I would say that I very well may have some kind of emotional reaction either on the night of the 20th or perhaps in some of the following days.  But I don't see anything as dramatic as what I have gone through recently or what happened in July.

I actually have been sleeping rather well.  And my health is getting better.  Because of the increased exercise.  I'm doing.  So those are all good things.  The Journal is going forward, in my own personal estimation, rather well.  I know in my heart and in my soul that Aileen is pleased.  And as I've said before, somehow or other.  There is a kind of informational exchange or perhaps communication, if you will, that is actually taking place between Aileen and I.

Dr. Gottesman tends to believe that I'm so overwhelmed with grief that a good bit of what I am experiencing is delusional.  But at the same time, he admits that there is the potentiality of something else.  But of course you can't go on record saying that being a psychiatrist.  At the same time, as I said, I did speak to a priest on the side of Cleveland.  Although I did it anonymously.  Which is the same as what I did with the Rabbi.  I spoke to.  And that's basically because it's really not very safe for me to identify myself in Cleveland.  Because of how well known.  The family has been.  And the Maschke family and I just don't get along.  So if I ever need to talk to anyone in Cleveland, I generally don't give my name unless I know exactly who I'm talking to.  Like I said.  The Maschke family and I just don't really get along.

My mother and father never looked at me as if I was not part of the Maschke family.  My mother of course finally became rather bitter and mean to the point where she accused me of being a failed abortion and set a number of other rather horrible things.  But my mother and father.  And my grandmother never really believed that I was not part of the Maschke family.  My aunt Helen always believed I was as well as my grandmother.  But it was another family member who actually noticed the similarities between my father and I as far as my facial features.  And then in doing some research in some of the documents I have is where I began to understand that the potentiality of my mother being actually a housemate in the Maschke family household came to light.  But this was done actually when Aileen was still alive.

In any event, there is a certain amount of bitterness toward my father by certain people and groups in Cleveland while at the same time there are a number of people who believed he was a really good man.  But my father had a dark side.  That's all there is to it.  And so there is a certain amount of bitterness by some groups and people toward the Maschke family as a result of how my father did business.  And I was never part of that business.

The racism that he demonstrated privately was really the one thing that basically pushed us away from each other.  Although we never stopped loving each other no matter what.  It was my mother and I just never really got along.  Because she was a great deal different.  Her background is exactly what I have explained in my biographical profile.  And I do have documents to support everything I have said.  I don't say anything about the Maschke family unless I have documentation.  I don't say anything about myself unless I have documentation.  It's just the way I have to do things.

With my past.  There are always people lurking in the shadows, ready to spring forward at any given moment, if they see an opportunity.  And that is not to suggest I have any enemies, because I really don't.  But because I have been part of the Maschke family.  There are groups and individuals not only in Cleveland but elsewhere who basically don't really like me.  Which is okay.  As I've said before, 75% of the people who are my age and who are widowed and dubbed dying within seven years after the loss of their spouse.  That is an international statistic.  So I do, at the very least, have a certain degree of potentiality of dying within seven years.  And that's fine by me.  I've had a rather good life.  And I don't mean that I've been wealthy.  Because I haven't.  But then I never wanted to.  But I've had a really amazingly good life.  I've done lots of things.  I've been all over this entire country except for Alaska and Hawaii.  And I've climbed every single major mountain peak in the continental United States.  And I even walked the entire distance of the Appalachian Trail.  So I've had a very good life.  And I don't feel bad about that.  And having lost my darling Aileen.  Well I don't really have a lot left to live for.  There's just no reason.  There's not much else for me to do.  I've done just about everything I can.

The world is basically going to hell in a handbasket.  And this time when the world does that the ramifications are a lot more serious than they have been in the past.  Because the world is getting older environmental problems facing the world are a lot more serious than they have been.  Environmental changes are taking place rather rapidly.  And they're getting more serious.  I have been trying to sound the alarm about this ever since 1972 when I first presented the entire matter in philosophy class when I was at Fort Lewis college.  Back then, everyone laughed at me and thought I was just basically ridiculous.  But fortunately or unfortunately they are not laughing very much anymore.  Because now they realize.  Not only was I not kidding.  But in fact, I was correct.  And that also is another reason why some people just don't like me.  They don't like the fact that I actually knew long before they did what was actually going to happen.

But that's not my fault.  God gave me the abilities I have.  So if anyone doesn't like the abilities I have.  I would suggest that they take it up with God.

I have survived as long as I have with the various forms of mental illness.  I have been dealing with.  Because, I've had tremendous psychiatrist over the years and I have been extremely blessed and lucky to meet certain people along the way who were tremendously kind and helpful.  There weren't many.  But there were some.  Besides mental illness to me was just another analytical problem.  And that's how I treated it.  Because when I got out of the hospital survival wasn't entirely new game.  Survival for me meant a number of different things and then it means for most people.  And that's true whether anyone wants to believe it or not.  That's another reason for the public declaration.  And that is only going to be up until the date that it is posted which is January 1.  But I of course have a copy on my computer that I can put up periodically, which I probably will.

Right now I'm rather lucid.  And rather calm.  But my being calm is simply because when I wrote that message this morning entitled, three days, I actually cried a good bit.  And then for an hour afterward I simply listened to music and did some creative imaging in order to connect with my darling Aileen.  And that was tremendously helpful.  Plus I've taken a couple of naps.  But I am still rather tired.  It's just been one of those days.

On a side note going back to basics with Windows 7 has really been the key to making Dragon NaturallySpeaking 11.5 work better.  I said in July that the hardest thing about moving over to using my speech program to control my computer completely was trying to break myself of old habits, one of which is using the mouse.  And that's true.  I am making progress.  But I've been using a mouse, for just about 25 years.  So that's a fairly old habit.  And I fully expect that some of my Journal articles today are probably going to be ill received.  But I'm used to that.

Some people find it rather remarkable that I never go out and that I don't get lonely.  But I don't.  I never have.  That started all the way back when I was at southern Arizona school.  I just found being alone with my thoughts a lot more comfortable than being around a lot of the noise.  Because that's what I experience when I'm around lots of people.  Lots of noise.  And I think that goes back to the days when I was a member of Oakwood club in Cleveland, Ohio.  With my father.  When I was actually rubbing elbows with some of the more significant movers and shakers in Cleveland at the time.  Lots of noise.  And behavior that I just didn't think was where I wanted to go.  So being alone.  There's just a lot more comfortable.

This Journal.  Well this Journal is exactly that.  It's my Journal.  It's not my blog.  Because I don't have any agendas.  It doesn't really matter to me if the world wants to blow itself up.  It doesn't really matter.  Because as I said, there are 7 billion lives here on this planet.  7 billion different life's.  7 billion voices and 7 billion journeys and every single journey ends up in exactly the same place whether anyone likes it or not.  Because when you die that energy inside of view goes back to the energy that pervades this world and surrounds this world and that is part of everything that is.  And that.  That is what we by so many different names called God.

The Muslims call that energy Allah.  The Jews call it God.  The Catholics and Christians call it Jesus Christ.  The Buddhists call it Buddha.  The Wiccans generally look at things in terms of gods rather than one specific deity.  And so to the pagans and the Druids.  The Native Americans even look at at a completely different way.  And I have spent many years studying the various ways that people look at that energy.  Not because I have any agenda.  But because I was curious and I wanted to learn and when I wanted to learn something I never found it easy.  Just going up to someone and asking questions.  Because I never learned anything that way.  The only way I ever learned was actually doing the research.  And so, after years and years of doing that I just got sort of good at doing research.

So I never really get lonely.  I mean, there's nobody I'm desperate to see.  I have friends all over the country.  Friends that I don't have any real chance of ever seeing again.  And that's okay.  I'm not in this world to demand that anyone come and see me.  Someone wants to come and see me.  That's not a problem.  All they have to do is pick up the phone.  No one ever really does and it's okay to.  Doesn't bother me.  Most nights when I go to sleep.  I do.  At one point or another ask God if you won't let me just die and get it over with.  But God isn't the kind of energy or whatever you want to call it, where you can expect to be given exactly what you ask for it never really works that way.  You generally have to do it yourself.  Which is fine.  I don't have a problem with that.

But my plans during the Thanksgiving holiday are that I'm simply going to take things slowly.  I will continue to report on the news.  But I'm not reporting.  I'm merely expressing my opinions based on what I see in the news.  That's all I'm doing.  I'm not the final authority on anything.  All I know is my own life.  Of course I have accumulated a lot of knowledge.  But I'm not the final answer.  This Journal is never meant to be that.  Because I don't do answers.  I asked questions.  I much more prefer questions to answers.  Because in reality I don't believe the universe does answers.  See, I've learned over the years studying quantum mechanics and quantum physics in Newtonian metaphysics that universe just doesn't really do a lot of things.  Because the universe really only understands.  Two things.  On and off.  Meaning positive and negative.  That's really all it understands.  And I don't talk more about the science.  Because it's sort of futile at this point.

Talking about the science isn't going to do very much except make a lot of people nervous.  Because what I understand about what's actually going on really is rather unsettling.  And it's also rather complicated.  So instead what I do is I will talk about aspects of the science that I do understand.  And I will do that.  Every now and then when I see certain environmental conditions or anthropological conditions taking place in such a way, whereby it seems logical to do so.  And I have done that in the past.  There was an article I wrote just after the rather terrible earthquake in Japan, where I basically said that about one third of the planet would end up being rather unsuitable for living by the time everything was done and said.  And I don't see any reason to back off of that position.  Everything I've seen taking place from that region has clearly shown me that I'm correct in my original assessment.  Because of all of the contributing factors.  As a result of the huge radiation leak that took place.

So I will be doing other scientific articles.  But again like I said I'm not the final answer.  I can't be.  I'm smart but I'm not that smart.  I just have a good brain.  That's basically what I have.  Just a good brain.  And my real ability is being able to analyze just about anything.  That was given to me by God.  That's how I made my living in the world.  By being able to analyze just about anything anyone wanted me to analyze.  I never have a problem doing that.  And spending all those years down at one of the major stock exchanges in Cleveland for six hours a day gave me the ability to do exactly that.  Constantly analyzing constantly comparing.  In reality, as far as arithmetic goes I generally need a calculator.  However, I've gotten better at that over the years.

But with the logic meaning mathematics that I'm very good at.  But mathematics is actually form.  And arithmetic is structure.  Mathematics is the philosophy and arithmetic is the extrapolation of the philosophy.  Mathematics is the language and arithmetic is the formulae.  So it was the formulae that I ended up not being really that good at or very interested in.  I was always more interested in the logic or the philosophy.  So that's where I put my attention.  That's where I put my energy.  That's where put my focus.

And generally I do get up in the middle of the night.  But that was actually because when I was working.  I always used to get up in the middle of the night to check what is called, the overnights.  And the overnights are the stock activity in various overnight markets in different portions of the world.  And so by looking at those markets.  I can generally get a good idea what's going on in that section of the world.  It just so happens.  It's rather coincidental.  Now all that I usually end up having a breathing problem of one sort or another in the middle of the night.  So then I get up and look at the stock activity or a writer Journal entry.  Plus when I'm sleeping, that seems to be one of the ways that Aileen contacts me.  Though I believe that she also does so through my writing.  For some reason I actually feel she's able to contact me through my writing.

And of course, my first thought is that I'm delusional.  But in reality, as I've said religious people are telling me that yes there's a certain amount of what I'm going through that is delusional.  And then there's the other part because they are saying the other part has to do with religion or that leap of faith.  So consequently, there is a potentiality that Aileen is actually able to communicate with me.  And that's nice.  That's comforting.  There aren't any real words to express how much I miss her how much I love her but just aren't I could write for the rest of my life it never fully express those feelings.  So I don't try to.  I just write.  That's what a writer does.  A writer writes.

So in any event, I can see that it's just about 5 min. before 5 PM.  And I know that's true because my cats are circling where I'm sitting.  Meaning they want me to give them a can of cat food.  And luckily tonight.  They are in luck because tonight is the night.  They actually get a can of cat food.  Then there are the household chores as always.  Frodo was sitting right here looking at me.  Not saying a word.  Just giving me that I.  Like I'm supposed to understand.  Oh now he's coming over.  Closer.  And he's giving me that I again like I'm supposed to immediately get up and give him his can of cat food.  Such is life.  If these cats were humans believe me.  I have no idea.  But I just have a feeling of these cats were humans.  They'd be just insane.

So anyhow, I think that's what I will do is I will go and give them their can of cat food before they start rioting.  Cleo the female doesn't like the wet cat food.  So what really happens is that when I give, Bilbo and Frodo and Frankie their can of cat food.  Cleo seizes the opportunity to go over to the Bulwer the dry food is an have a peaceful moment without the boys trying to crowd her out.  But Cleo always wants to climb on top of me at the most inappropriate moments.  Like when I'm wearing nylons or when I'm wearing a skirt that just would not be a good idea to have her and her claws on top of me.  So she generally hangs about in the room somewhere.  But they sensed that this is a difficult time for me.  So they are giving me space and I appreciate that.

And I can tell I'm having breathing problems.  Already this evening.  Which sort of does not make sense because the air is really sort of clear and does not a lot of moisture around.  But it's probably due to the forced air heating.  Then tomorrow I'm going to take a shower that will feel good.  And tonight.  Well, I've got some really nice movies.  I have recorded and I always like falling asleep to one of those great films.  It's like Aileen and I are watching them together.  And that just gives me a lot of peace.

So don't let the public declaration throw you.  It will be up there long.  It'll just be up until the first of the year.  Then perhaps I'll put it up once every three months.  Unfortunately, it's just what I have to do.  No one has the ability to connect the dots.  They see the name Nicole Maschke NHS can't really wrap their minds around that Nicole Maschke used to be Maurice Maschke.  Well, actually Maurice Maschke III.  Because that actually was.  My name.  And I changed my name.  When my father died because Aileen and I talked about it and we both felt that it was time that I simply took on a name that was more suitable.  So we both talked about it.  And that's what we came up with the name of Nicole Maschke.  Which is why in my biographical profile that I have the legal documentation of my name change.

So I'm having one more cigarette with a cup of juice.  Cranberry juice actually.  And then when I get done.  I just checked my calendar.  I had forgotten I gave them a can of cat food last night.  No problem.  The only way they are going to get a can of cat food tonight is if they take the can opener and get it themselves.  It ain't going to happen.  But Frodo is still sitting here.  Hopefully looking at me.  He doesn't really get the message.  I'm going to have to have a discussion with him.

So there will be other Journal articles.  Meaning scientific articles and a host of other things.  Because when this second year is finally over.  Then I will be able to feel a little bit more emotional freedom.  At least that's what people tell me.  Of course, maybe I'll get lucky.  Maybe I'll just drop dead one of these days.  There's always hope.  Remember.  I'm not suicidal.  I'm 62.  I'm tired of all of the pain.  I'm tired of not having my darling around with me.  And I'm tired of seeing our world become nothing more than a battle zone almost every place in the planet.

I mean I'm a pacifist in a world that doesn't really understand pacifism.  Much less living as a transgendered female in a world that hardly even knows how to understand that.  No problem.  I will probably have a bowl of Rice and some herbal tea and pull the covers up and put the world on the shelf for a while.  That seems like exactly the right thing to do.

If the world blows up one sleeping.  Just give me a call.  That way I can go outside and make sure I get a good glimpse of it just going up in smoke.  Just kidding.

Always remember, no matter what I say in my Journal or how I write.  Don't ever forget how grateful I am now honored I am that any of you are even reading my Journal.  I don't think you really fully understand how honored I feel.  Because you read my Journal.  Because I do.  I never forget that.  I think about all the time.  And I don't really have any way of expressing my gratitude except to put it into words like I'm trying to do now.  Because I don't know any of you hardly.  And I don't know who of you are actually reading my Journal.  There could be old classmates or old friends or family members.  I have no idea.  The statistics don't tell me that.  So I'm just always very grateful.  So regardless of whatever I might write try not to forget that.  Because I'm a human rights advocate.  It's my job to be controversial.  It's my job to make things strenuous.  It's my job to make the reader uncomfortable.  It's my job to be emotionally charged and bombastic.  That is what a human rights advocate does.  But as I've always said, I love every single thing that God made in this world.  But God did not make our behavior.

Try to remember.  In 10 days.  It's going to be Thanksgiving.  Maybe this year we can actually put aside a lot of our selfishness and our hateful attitudes and our desire to kill each other long enough to maybe take a moment and simply say thank you.  There's always hope.

Thank you very much for listening.