Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Out of the Shower

Okay it's 11:38 AM.  But I actually didn't get into the shower until about 10:30 AM.  Because instead of having a bowl of cereal I had a bowl of rice.  And I have just dried my hair, after conditioning it with mouse.  So normally what I do is I give my hair about five or 10 min. for it to cool down after being hit with a hair dryer.

Then I put the curlers in.  Then I give myself about another five or 10 min. with the curlers basically treating my hair with heat.  Then I put my face on and I'm done.  Doing the curlers only takes me about gender 15 min. and doing my face.  Generally takes me about 5 min., maybe 10 min. at the most.

It does take me about 20 min. to dry my hair.  Because it's down to the middle of my back and it's extremely thick.  So I have to go slowly.  Because my hair is older, even though it's extremely thick and 62 and a lot of times as hair gets older, like in my age group, it can be a little brittle.  Sometimes.  So you have to be so careful.

For example, I don't even use a brush on my hair until it's almost completely dry and that it's done very gently.  Because again they areas still warm.  So it is prone to breakage.  If you are too rough with it.  Then all I do is just simply clip it over my head for about five or 10 min.

I generally take about a 20 min. shower.  Because I use the hot water as a kind of heat therapy on my back.  And then, like I said, it takes me about 20 min. to dry my hair after I have put the mouse in.

Having the radiator upstairs was a really good idea.  But it was sort of having so what I did was is I took it one step at a time.  I put it on the step in front of me then stepped onto that one and put it on the next step ahead of me and then I just went up the stairs with the one step at a time.  That way I didn't have to hardly lift it at all.  And that's what I need.

To curl my hair.  I generally use anywhere from between 16 to 20 rollers.  Again, because my hair is extremely thick.  So now it is 11:45 AM and I'm going to do that and then I'll come back.

So I finished curling my hair at 12:15 PM, which took me about 30 min. but part of that was because I'm doing a new pattern with my curlers.  I used to wear my hair with a side part and so now I'm doing a center part.  So it's a different pattern of curlers then I'm used to using.  Today I think I used 18 curlers.  Generally it doesn't take me more than about 1520 min. tops to roll my hair.

So anyhow now I'm having a slight break.  This is where I basically let my hair sit in the rollers for a few minutes before I actually put my face on.  But doing that doesn't take much time at all unless I have to work on my eyebrows, which generally takes about 15 min.  But I don't think I have much up there right now.

So I basically have a couple of cigarettes and a couple coffee and then after about 10 min. giving my hair is to sit in the rollers for a little while.  Then I go on I just put my face on, and by the time I'm done doing my face.  The curlers are cool and then I brush out my hair and I'm all done.

Began this isn't because anyone's coming over.  Part of why I do this is because it's exercise for my hands and the arthritis I have.  But the other reason which is the more significant is that it's for self-esteem.  You just feel better when your faces on, and you look better.  That's all it's not complicated or anything.

And when I say put my face on I don't mean I wear lots of eye shadow and all that junk.  Basically all I do is a little eyeliner on the top of my eyelid mascara.  I draw my eyebrows.  And then of course I wear makeup on my face with generally a soft wine colored lipstick.  That's the color Aileen and I actually figured was really best for my skin tone which has a certain amount of olive green in my skin tone because we believe that part of my lineage is Mediterranean.  But in any event, then I'm done.

To tell you the truth when I get done washing my hair it is extremely sick and somewhat coarse only because of my age.  But it is extremely sick.  So after I treated with mouse and of course, takes out some of the coarseness and of course it holds the curl better.

Trust me.  If I did not put the mouse in my hair and curl my hair.  I would look like a mop.  And I'm sorry.  No way I'm going to wear my hair like that.  I mean really, what's the point of having really long hair unless you can make it look nice.  Unless, of course, you take pride in looking like a slob.  And I don't.  When I was working.  I never did.  So I'm not about to start now.

The reality is, I was never what you might call a clothes horse.  Meaning I didn't go out and spend tons of money on clothes.  But I did I certain outfits that I was wearing.  Well, living as a man when I was a financial analyst.  So I of course had to own a few suits.

It's no different today.  Just that I'm basically living as a different gender.  So for example, I'm wearing a longsleeved V-neck cotton top.  And along the green cotton skirt with pockets.  Then generally I wear a scarf.  I have lots of silk scarves.  That's just because it feels better against my neck.  It looks nicer.  And again, no one's coming over.  There's nothing special.  It's just again if I don't take pride in myself then no one else will take pride in me either.  Because that's really the rule.

If you don't take pride in yourself, or have pride in yourself and be proud of what who you are then probably other people won't either.  And that's the important thing to remember.  Like I said, no one's coming over.  I do this every single morning.  Well, not the shower.  Because I only wash my hair and shower every three days.  The other two days, I give myself was standing back.  But the reason for that is because when you wash your hair.  You do take out a certain amount of the Orioles as you are cleaning your hair.

So you really want to give yourself at least two days, if not three before you wash your hair again.  So that the oils can be replenished in your scalp and into the hair.

I generally wear any one of about six different types of pierced earrings.  These belonged to do both Aileen and I.  So we generally shared them.  And again, what am I supposed to say?  I enjoy making myself look nice.  That's all.  If I actually had a car and maybe a little money, I might walk shopping.  Or I might go visiting someone.  That I can't drive and I don't have a car.  I can't drive because my hands have become arthritic to the point where I have lost a certain amount of strength in my wrists.  That's part of it.  I still have lots of strength in my hands but my wrists are becoming a little weaker.  My arms are still very strong.

But again I've lost weight so I am thinner.  Right now, as I said, I'm at 165 pounds.  And when I'm through.  I will be at 130 meaning 130 pounds.  Generally what I do is I wait until I feel that the curlers are almost cool before I put my face on.  Because you really do have to let the curlers cool down all the way to have any kind of real effect or otherwise the curl will simply come undone.  But that's why you put the mouse in.  Because with the mouse.  Then your hair, holds the curl longer.  Plus, there's no way anyone would ever know when they see my hair that when I come out of the shower I actually looked like a mop.  Let me tell you.  No one would ever know.  Because the effect of the mouse is really that significant.  That and curling my hair.

At least it is clear and it's nice today so the air won't be that heavy.  However, I did see some sleep coming toward Cleveland.  And right now it's coming from Illinois and Indiana.  In a little bit from Michigan.  And, according to the weather sometime tomorrow afternoon were supposed to get some rain.  But the fact that the moisture is in the area.  Meaning Western Ohio.  That's why my sinuses have been reacting this morning.  In addition to my hands.

But that's why I'm actually doing whatever I can not to use my mouse anymore.

So with all this.  I go through.  That's why I start actually at 7 AM.  So that in two hours.  I'm done.  Because it takes me about that long to put everything together.  Only because I have to go slow.  I use a special makeup mirror that's highly magnified so that for like plucking my eyebrows.  I don't have to wear my glasses.  And of course I'm not wearing my glasses when fixing my eyes are my face.  That's another reason why I have this makeup mirror.

Then, once my face is on I'm all put together.  That's when I normally do my e-mail look at the news to a few posts.  But today with my sinuses acting up.  I generally think what I'm going to do is simply check the mail and then possibly take a nap for a little while.  Because I didn't get a nap earlier.

And like I said, a lot of this is really therapeutic because not only is the therapeutic for me emotionally.  But physically it is a kind of exercise for my hands, which around the keyboard are having rather significant arthritic reactions.  But I don't have any trouble doing my eyes are my face or my hair.  That's the really strange thing I have no idea why that is the case.  It just is.

See the reality is another reason why I put myself together every day is because I don't want people in the neighborhood to see me without my face on my hair fixed.  Because the more they see me with my face on in my hair fixed the easier it will be for them in their own minds to accept me as what I am living as.

If I'm sloppy and don't put my face on or fix my hair, then they are seeing me more almost like being in two worlds at the same time, when in reality that's not what I am.  And that image actually can be somewhat confusing for people.  So that's another reason why I go through this whole process.

Plus, and here's another reason.  The key word in what Eileen told me to do before she died was that she wanted me to, live, as a woman.  Meaning she was hoping that I would not simply portray a woman meaning that I would be a transgendered female looking like a woman.

She wanted me to take that next step.  Why would actually live as a woman.  Meaning I would feel so comfortable with my Transgenderism and my female status that I would actually think and feel and react and live as a woman.

So naturally that means that I have to do a little bit of work.  Every day to make myself presentable.  Because when I do that.  Like I said, it's more about self-esteem than anything else.  Because when I do that.  I of course identify with what I am meaning that I live as a woman.

I can't help my voice.  There is a picture in the right hand side panel of this Journal page that shows when I actually got throat cancer.  It was a form of melanoma.  And it had not even gotten into my throat yet.  But when they cut my throat open to take it out.  The moment they cut my throat open my voice dropped to exactly what it is at this point in my life.  Except I was 19 when they did this.

And let me tell you that definitely had my head spinning around a few times.  I mean, I had the deepest voice of anyone in school and nobody really knew why.  The doctors didn't know why my voice suddenly dropped.  But it did.

But I have to say moving.  That radiator upstairs was brilliant.  Because it really does make the bathroom so much warmer when I'm getting out of the shower.  And that is a good thing.

So like today I'm wearing this really interesting and nice looking maroon and rust colored silk scarf around my neck tied into square not so.  It basically hangs down and then I have this really pretty white sweater cardigan that Aileen gave me years ago.

Try makeup when I go out I'm not someone that swipes on the eyeshadow like New Year's Eve.  I used a very little bit of eyeshadow and generally either soft browns or perhaps some softer violet color shadow.  And just barely enough to add a little color to the eye.

Because that's the thing, see.  The key to my survival.  When I am out in public or when I am greeting the public is as long as whoever is looking at me sees what they think they should be seeing.  Then I am safe.  But the moment someone sees when they are looking at me something they do not believe they should be seeing them.  I actually could get hurt or be killed.  That's the reality of my situation living as a woman.

So it's all about understatement.  And it's all about blending in.  Like looking like any other woman my age might look notwithstanding this neighborhood.  Because this neighborhood most of the women don't look like what I look like.  But when I go out shopping.  They do.

Some of the amazingly kind comments I have gotten from what I consider to be, other women, have actually been absolutely amazing.  I have actually given some tips on how I put myself together to some of these women meaning biological females, who are my age.  Because they just can't believe that at age 62 I looked the way I do.

But generally I giggle and then I say it had to be all that hard living I did as a kid.  Which is not true.  It's because I don't eat a lot of junk.  And I didn't get into drugs.  I only drank heavily when I was in college and then for only about three months.  I never really did much to abuse my body.  Because after the operation I was so grateful for being alive.  I never wanted to.

For shoes.  I generally wear between a three and 4 inch heel and usually brown or black nothing really showy.  Now I don't mind taking my picture to show you what I looked like but I would feel more comfortable if I could get my weight down a little bit further.

Let's be real.  I've lost seven of my teeth.  The rest are not great.  And because I'm losing weight my skin and my face is still going through changes of me losing weight.  So I would feel better about taking a new picture of myself when my weight is down.  Because I didn't take a picture.  Shortly after Aileen died of how I actually looked and there was no way in the world I was going to show that publicly.  Because my weight was still rather high and I just didn't look good.

Now I am on my way.  My sinusitis is just exploding.  And I know it's because that moisture well it's actually sleeting meeting.  Rain and snow mix as close as about Lorain, Ohio, which is more than perhaps 50 or 60 miles away.  So there is moisture in the area which is why my sinusitis is getting the issues.  That's why I'm taking a little longer before I put my face on.  I wanted to have a little more coffee to try to get my throat and my nose to settle down.

Anyhow, it's now 1:08 PM.  So now I will put my face on and then I will come back.

So I actually began doing my makeup at about 10 min. after 1 PM so about 1:10 PM.  And I finished at about 1:25 PM.  Now as far as makeup that is really sort of a kind of a genius thing that was shown to me by someone a long time ago.  I was having trouble getting the color of my makeup correct and what ended up happening was that I ended up going to using theater makeup.  And that's what I wear.  First of all, the makeup actually lets your skin breathe.  So that means if you perspire your makeup won't run or smear.  And I hardly ever wear any rouge.  And the reason I don't is because it's really more for effect than anything else.  So it's not really that necessary.  Sometimes during the summer.  They can be useful to bring out certain highlights.  But other than that, a little goes a long way.  So I only put a very small amount On the Apple of my cheek.  And that's it.

But the other part of the whole story is that once you put your face on, if you're a transgendered female.  You can not touch your face at all.  Because if you touch your face in any way and you smear that make up your in major trouble.  And that really unfortunately, is the truth.

Because if you happen to touch your face at the wrong time, and smudge your makeup, that would mean you would be looking like something that someone might not be expecting to see in which case, you could end up in a rather unpleasant situation.  Because it's all about making sure the matter what that you are perfect at all times.  That is what is required.

The perfume I wear is Charlie.  And then once I'm done I'm done for the day.  Generally speaking, I'm completely finished with all of this by 9 AM.  But with the way the weather has been going and my energy has been going up and down so today I just felt like taking a little bit longer.

Plus, this friend of mine came over from the neighborhood a few days ago and I think I may have picked up their flu bug.  But I'm not sure.  But I'll ready have flu medicine in my medicine cabinet in advance of this happening.  It is some stuff that I have used over the years that doctors have basically put me on over the years to eliminate any possibility of any serious bronchial infection.

So that's about it is what I go through every day.  And like I said no one's coming over.  I'm not seeing any one today at all.  But it's not about that.  It's more about self-esteem making myself look good.  Because when you look good generally feel a bit better.  That's the point.

And you really do have to train yourself never to touch your face.  Because that's the one thing you can't do.  No matter what.  Like I said, if you do, you can end up in a very unpleasant situation.  If you do it at the wrong time.  I actually had a friend of mine when I was living out in one of the Western states and I'm not can say which one.  Because it had nothing to do with where I was actually.  But I was out with a friend of mine and we were both transgendered at the time living as females living as women.

And I believe we were talking about something that end up being rather funny she inadvertently touched her face.  As soon as he did I can see the blemish and her makeup and because where we were located wasn't totally gay.  It was actually a mixed crowd.  So I simply told her to go and check her face and she knew exactly what I was talking about.  Unfortunately two guys at the bar saw her, touch her face and before she got to the bathroom they basically dragged her out of the parking lot and almost killed her.

There's a tremendous amount of pressure that goes along with living as a transgendered female, because no matter what.  All of the other dynamics that may be taking place have to do with being a transgendered female.  The reality is that it is incredibly dangerous to do so in this world.  There are some countries that believe that the only thing that should be done with transgendered females is that they should be executed.  And that is routinely done.

In the United States approximately 600 transgendered females like me are murdered every single year.  That's basically the national statistic.  So unless you really have any kind of sensitivity you may not really understand what I'm talking about.  There's an incredible amount of pressure to never make a single mistake.  Because your life can literally depend on it.

And then of course this is where I end up feeling my age.  Because I generally feel like I need to rest for perhaps just 45 min. or an hour.  There is a certain amount of manual dexterity that I go through trying to put my makeup on and doing everything and I don't think that's what I get tired I think I'm tired today because the radiator I was moving upstairs actually weighed about 60 pounds.  So I had to be really careful because of course I have this hernia going on.  And I always get a little tired after my shower.

But more than that the sinusitis is kicking up crazy right now.  My years are clogged and I'm having a little bit of drainage.  But again the weather right now in Cleveland is sort of strange because if you drove like 60 to 70 miles west of Cleveland, you would be seeing a rain snow mix falling.  So it's that close.  And like I said, the weather service is saying that by tomorrow night we are going to definitely have some precipitation.  And when the moisture is in the air like that.  At least here in Cleveland and in the Great Lakes region of the United States.  People have a lot of problems with sinusitis.  And that really is simply nasal problems.  Where it gets a little difficult to read because your noses all stopped up and your ears may be clogged up and part of it is because of the change in barometric pressure along with the moisture that's in the air.

But now, as I say when people see my hair now it doesn't look basically like I just came out of a wind tunnel.  Trust me when I look in the mirror after I get out of the shower or after I first dry my hair.  It's a wonder my reflection doesn't take out a gun and try to shoot me.  Just kidding.

Plus, with the sinusitis I'm having in my ears a bit clogged up.  It's a little hard to use the speech program because my voice is in sounding or maybe it is sounding normal.  But my inclination for my instincts are telling me what I really need to do is just simply take things slowly.  Because if I'm having any kind of drainage at the back of my throat.  This is the time to start kicking in with lots of herbal tea and lots of fluid to get rid of whatever is going on.

Now you know a little bit more about how I go through the process of going from point a to point B as I fix myself up.  And again, most of the women in this neighborhood don't look anywhere like what I do.  Most of the women generally where slacks and tops and sweatshirts and things like that.  But Aileen and I were both white-collar professionals.  So generally that is what we have in our Ward robe.

But I do have to say that I always feel 1000 times better when I go through the process of putting myself together every day.  I actually have to touch up my fingernail polish which I will probably do this afternoon.  But other than that.  Like I said, what I think I'm going to do is to simply lean back for about an hour to 90 min.  Then when I get up, I'll do my e-mail and petitions and perhaps a few news articles

I'm sorry I'm not faster.  And I'm sorry I don't have more energy.  It's just the way it is.

So, I will be back later.

Thank you so very much for listening.