Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Circles of Synchronicity

During the first year after my darling wife Aileen died, which in actuality was simply a few months after she died.  I wrote an article called kismet.  And what really happened was that as I wrote in the article.  I had not been able to identify my own emotions as to what I actually felt was feeling when my darling Aileen died.  And that this would because I basically was in the mode of trying to get everything done.  So I just wasn't able to identify with my emotions were.  And then as I wrote in the article it was in February where my darling Aileen died in November.  Then I actually met this one young lady at a grocery store where normally do my shopping.  And her father had actually died just about seven days after Aileen.  And she said that the one thing she felt was that she had never felt so alone.

So my article basically talked about how soon as I heard those words tears got into my eyes and I suddenly said out loud that what she had said was exactly the emotions I was feeling when my darling Aileen died, but had not been able to even articulate for some reason.  So I called that moment kismet.  And I firmly believe to this day that is basically what it was.  But kismet to me isn't just fate.  There's no way that I can look at anything as simply fate after watching my darling Aileen die.  Because as I said, I became forever changed.  I became so changed that my spirituality and my belief and understanding of God became so much more defined than it ever has been in my entire life.  Which means just that.  I'm not really a supporter of religion for myself.  Although I think religion is incredibly important for most people.  Because most people actually do have a lot of trouble articulating how they relate to whatever is beyond this world.  And that's where religion.  Really becomes very helpful.  For myself, where there's much of a varied background, as I have had religiously and spiritually religion has never really been something that I have felt necessary.  When I have wanted to relate to or understand or even talk with God.

I want to talk to God all I do is become quiet.  The first thing I do is I just listen.  Because in my way of thinking.  I can see God and my cats.  Just like I can see God in a news article or in the actions of some really brilliant young person.  When you looked at a young girl or young boy who is perhaps eight or nine years old and instead of being involved with games like hide and seek they are using their computers to save lives.  When someone that young has that kind of understanding of their own life in relation to other people in my way of thinking that really is God.  So if I want to talk to God.  I become quiet and I listen.

God and I have a rather interesting relationship.  Because it's almost like we have an agreement.  God knows I'm tired of my pain.  God knows that my agony over losing my darling Aileen is gigantic.  But God also knows that with all I've been through.  I actually have an opportunity when I talk about what I have experienced to be of help to other people who are having so much trouble.  People who so often times feel so desperate and so alone that they don't think anyone is hearing or listening to them.  And so while I deal with PTSD in my own life where I of course go through periods where I absolutely in desperate to leave this world.  Because I'm so tired when I become quiet and I listen.  It's very easy to hear that energy and to feel that energy beyond this world.  So many of us call God.  Because when I become quiet and I listen I understand that God has other plans.  That no matter what I'm going to be here.  Because that's what God wants.

Our world is filled with so much pain.  So much trouble.  The brilliant men and women in Europe are literally struggling with every ounce of what they have inside of them to try and find ways to keep going.  Governments all over the planet are becoming corrupt and so many different ways.  To the point where money is becoming so important than people's lives are being oftentimes crushed in the process.  All you have to do is look at the desperation in some of these brilliant men and women's faces as they are attempting to make their voices heard.  And when you do, at least for me.  I see God.  And I hear God telling me that while I can't leave my home very well.  Because of my own limitations.  I certainly can try my best using these amazing machines.  We call computers to be a friend.  And when I realized that I understand.  And I really do here.  The voice of God.  I hear God's voice loud and clear.

So it's not about religion, ladies and gentlemen.  It's about spirituality.  It's about listening to your own soul.  And that is exactly what happened yesterday.  Where in February, just after my darling Aileen died this brilliant young lady at the store where I do my shopping was able to articulate that one a motion that I was not able to even speak and I called that kismet.  In reality it was God.  And being somewhat scientific I know that the chance of any to occurrences being coincidental is so infinitely remote that there really is no coincidence.  So scientifically everything is cause and effect.  But that's just science.  And religion is in reality the extrapolation of science.  The philosophical extrapolation of science.

So scientifically I might have called that particular circumstance kismet.  Philosophically, which in my heart and soul becomes spiritually.  That one circumstance was God.  God reminding me that there may be a very significant purpose for me continuing and that while I might not see that purpose.  It doesn't mean that the purpose is not there.  It just means I may not be seeing the purpose.

And, like I said, yesterday.  I again heard the voice of God.  I don't think in my entire life I have been so amazed.  I met this person yesterday.  They were actually attempting to be of assistance to me.  And yet the reality of life and God took over.  And remarkably with as much as I stumble in my own life in his much as I bumped into trees all the time like some clumsy clown I was of tremendous assistance to this person.  And I was really humbled within myself.

I am so used to being associated with the Maschke family and all the junk that has been part of the Maschke family with my grandfather being so politically powerful and my father having been associated with Al Capone and knowing so many stars in Hollywood and even having been married to Helen Morgan.  That I sometimes become almost cavalier.  I forget that what I experienced in my own life is truly just that.  What I experienced.  And I heard something during my visit with this person that I have heard only twice before.

I've always known what I was good at.  I'm really good at financial analysis.  I'm really good at analyzing logic.  I'm really good at analyzing just about anything.  I'm good at, I think photography.  I'm fairly good at writing.  But that's all I ever think.  That I'm sort of good at it.  But during these two years, while I have been trying to make my way within my soul.  Having lost my darling Aileen.  I have heard twice people say that I am a natural when it comes to caregiving.  I have heard twice people tell me that I could be of such help to people who are in such desperate need.  And when I have heard that my first thought has always been that I would be so mortified and ashamed.  Or, I would feel terrible if my Transgenderism was ever to cause anyone any emotional difficulty while they were in fact facing some of the toughest times of your life.  So I have resisted the matter what wanting to extend myself because I just would never want to be around someone who is in desperate need try to give them emotional support if my Transgenderism would actually get in the way.  If my Transgenderism did that anyone who is suffering it would break my heart.

And yet twice since Aileen died two different people have told me it wouldn't matter at all.  Sometimes when people say that to me.  I almost discount what they're saying either because I think they are just being friendly or that perhaps they may not understand.  So then I end up resisting wanting to help others or even see any value in my helping others.  Because I just don't think I have the ability.  Because of my Transgenderism.  Meaning that I live as a woman.  But I couldn't do that.  Yesterday.  I tried.  But I couldn't do that.  This person had such incredible need.  They live with.  Such incredible pain.  And in the years I lived in this world.  I have seen pain in people that has been so unbelievable that it literally would turn my knuckles white.  But there's only been two times in my life when I saw the pain in someone that I did yesterday.  One of course was my darling Aileen.  I had never in my entire life seen so much pain emotionally it one person ever.  My darling Aileen lived was so much terrible emotional pain inside of herself to the point where not only myself, but anyone who would ever know her will immediately recognize this pain and your first instinct would always be to simply stand right beside her and be that friend.

I never in my entire life thought I would ever see any kind of pain like that ever again.  With Aileen.  It was simple.  The moment I looked into her eyes.  I knew I absolutely knew in every fiber of my being that this was exactly the very instant in my life.  God had kept me alive for.  This one instant.  This one single soul.  That God had kept me alive to be Aileen's other half.  I knew she was that one chance in my life.  So naturally Aileen and I fell deeply in love and because of how much pain she was in.  Nothing mattered.  Whatever I could do.  I did.  Whatever she needed.  I was there.  The matter what it was literally my greatest joy to do anything I could to bring a smile to her face.  And I never thought I would ever see that kind of pain again.  Because I just didn't believe in my heart that anyone could exist with that deep kind of emotional pain.  And I've worked around hundreds and hundreds of domestic violence victims of almost every kind.  They could be imagined, and have worked around the mentally ill of course because I have been dealing with mental illness myself.  But I never saw such pain as I did in my darling Aileen.  And then.  Well, then, yesterday I saw the same kind of pain.  And I'm not talking romantically at all.  I'm talking about friendship.  I'm talking about God.  That moment when you see someone who's in such pain that your instincts take over and you realize that when you're in a situation like that God is actually testing you to see what you have inside yourself to see what you are made of.

After having watched nine of my wonderful childhood friends die during those eight months.  When I was in the hospital in 1968.  Those nine wonderful children who I have always called, the sacred nine.  I became dedicated within my own soul to doing everything I possibly could.  In any way to just try and be a voice for their suffering.  And I have probably been tremendously clumsy all my life in that effort.  But I never stopped trying.

So when I saw the level of pain in this person that I did yesterday.  It was like my instincts suddenly became so alive that I knew exactly what to do.  It was simple.  It was something I've tried to do all my life.  To be a friend.

And that.  That is when I heard.  For the third time in my life.  For the third time in over 60 years I heard someone tell me that my Transgenderism would never matter if someone were in trouble because if someone were really in trouble.  They wouldn't even see my Transgenderism.  When anyone has ever said that in the past.  Meaning those other two times like I said I have always dismissed what they have said because it just never has made any sense.  Because I see my Transgenderism.  And I know I walk out of my house that people react in a whole number of ways toward my Transgenderism.  So it would never make any sense if someone were really in desperate need that they would not see my Transgenderism.  And yet two people in my life over all the years have said exactly that.  That if someone were in extremely desperate need and I was there as a friend that they would never see my Transgenderism.  Because they would see the light of God in my soul.  And when I realize that tears.  Tears stream down my face.

Because that's what I was trying to do with the sacred nine 1968 to be that friend and they just kept slipping away and I kept feeling like I had failed and yet in the 62 years I have lived two people said it wouldn't matter which of course makes me feel somewhat dumb.  Because I probably have walked by however many chances simply because my own inhibitions were fears that might offend someone.  What if I would have cast those theaters away.  But I did repeatedly do that.  I did cast those theaters away, numbers and numbers of times in my life.  Not because I was ever thinking in terms of myself, but because watching those nine children die.  I knew my place in the world.  I knew God wanted me to be a friend to those children so many many times in my life.  I did the same, regardless of my status to anyone who is in desperate need never really thinking about my Transgenderism at all.  And yet, since Aileen died.  I have been so locked up.  Because I would just literally feel my heart break.  If my Transgenderism were ever to offend anyone who is in such desperate need.  And so that back-and-forth struggle has gone on over and over and over and over again.  It's and yet last night for the second time in my life.  I saw the level of pain that was literally incomprehensible and my instincts just literally seemed to take over everything.  I was.  It was unbelievably humbling.  And it only involved doing something so simple.  To be a friend something so many of us take for granted every single day.  To be a friend.  And that's when I heard it for the third time.  Only this time.  For whatever reason I couldn't make any excuses.  Many excuses inside myself.  I couldn't push off the remark.

I couldn't make any excuses that the remark was being made with any kind of bias.  All my life I have always known what I was good at.  Like I said, I'm good at a number of things like photography and financial analysis and analyzing logic and writing.  I've always known that.  And yet last night's I was reminded of so many different situations.  I was in where people were in terrible in desperate need that I just was simply directed by God to be in that situation where I was their friend.  And those situations.  I never really recognized perhaps my own ability or my own talents.  Or what God has given me.  I remember one time when I was in my 30s.  I encountered this really amazing person who was working at a bank here in Cleveland, Ohio.  And they were also in their 30s.  And I remember one night when they came to my door in the apartment building I was living and they were in so much pain that they were actually considering taking their own life.  I remember literally holding them in my arms as they wept and inside myself.  I felt so maternal.  But I never really connected any kind of what was going on to any real ability in myself because in my own mind that was simply being a friend to someone who was in desperate need.  So I never looked at anything I was doing is something I was actually good at it was just my instincts that when I saw someone who was in such desperate need instinctively it just made sense to be their friend to reach out my hand and not let them suffer alone.

And yet two times in my life people have actually said that what I do is a real talent.  But I have never looked at it that way.  I just never have.  Because I don't look at friendship being a talent but that's what I see.  Evidently some people are saying something else.  And that's what brings tears to my eyes.  Because evidently there is this part of me that I don't even recognize or perhaps even acknowledge that three different people in my life and perhaps more cool.  I'm not even aware of have felt that this is talent inside of me.  This talent I may not even be admitting to and that that is truly humbling.

Now of course I'm at that point.  That point of discovery.  So I see this talent or what some people say I have part of me feels that it sounds just too ridiculous.  It sounds to unbelievable because I don't look at myself that way.  I just don't.  For some reason whenever he sees someone who's in desperate need.  I never see the inside myself that I have some talent or anything that's never the first auto my mind when I see someone is in desperate need.  The only thing that comes to my mind is to rest with all speed to their side so that they don't hit the ground.  It's something that has driven me my entire life.  And yet to my own memory.  There have been three different people in my life who have said that is a talent.

And yet to me a talent is being an artist or someone who plays the piano or violin or someone who is a great artist or someone who is a brilliant scientist or doctor or lawyer.  I've never looked at being a friend as a talent and yet three different people in my life have said that is so.  To me, that's just incredible.  It's almost out of my realm of belief.  Because as I said I was so affected by the loss of those nine children so deeply torn and broken within my heart that from that moment when I got out of the hospital.  It always made sense if I saw someone falling to rush with all speed to make sure they would not hit the ground.  The matter what.  To be that friend to have no thought or regard for my own life.  In any way shape or form.  But to do everything in my power to make sure that no matter what they would not hit the ground.

Three.  People call that a talent may be more.  That's amazing.  And here I'm thinking.  My Transgenderism would get in the way.  Three people of told me it wouldn't even matter.  But because I don't look at friendship being a talent I would disregard what they have said and I did that I couldn't do that last night.  My tendency was to do exactly that.  But I couldn't do that last night.  And that's when I heard the voice of God.  My grandmother always said that God made me to where I was for a specific reason that whatever mistakes might be part of my life.  God had done on purpose.  And I always thought she was talking about.  Just my Transgenderism at least I did until my darling Aileen was dying when I began to realize that what my grandmother meant was that I had for some reason this maternal instinct in me to be a friend.  How she could recognize that when she was in her 80s.  And I was 13 years old.  I have no idea.  But she did.  And so did my aunt Helen.  And all those years I kept thinking they were talking about my Transgenderism.  When in fact that's not what they were talking about at all.  And they were not at two people who said I had a talent.  But they were talking about exactly what the two people who have said I had a talent were talking about only in a different way.

So all of this becomes really humbling because suddenly stood almost as if I were in the midst of total darkness.  I see my darling Aileen standing right next to me holding a light.  It's and as soon as I see that light well as soon as I see that light I get a real solid glimpse of this potential purpose that God has had for me all my life.  And when I see that potential purpose.  That's what I mean about being totally and completely humbled.  Humbled to the point where I become so grateful for whatever God did in creating me.

It's so now what do I do?  Well the first thing is I began to realize that my writing is not just writing.  Isn't that a kick.  I mean, I've always known I was a good writer.  I've only been writing since I was like nine years old.  I was published actually when I was nine.  Not to any real large extent, but I was still published.  So writing to me has just been writing.  I never connected the dots.  And now I understand.  I understand what my darling Aileen meant.  She would always tell me that my writing was helping people that I might not ever.  No and I would always discount what she was saying.  Because she was my wife.  So I would always sing well sure.  She's my wife.  So that's why she's saying that when that really wasn't the case.  Because I just don't ever think that anyone can actually see that much inside of me.  I've been so good at building façades.  Well guess what.  I'm wrong.  People can see inside of me.  Isn't that amazing.  It's as good as I have been at building all these faces and all these fences so that people would see only what I thought they should see what guess what some people are able to see all the way through all of that and actually see me.  That is humbling that is God that brings me to tears.  Tears of gratitude.  Gratitude that I finally do understand.

Because by being a friend last night.  It was amazing watching this person change.  I haven't seen anyone in so much pain ever before, except for my darling Aileen.  Mostly since Aileen died.  I sort of feel like an old piece of paper.  Rumpled and wrinkled.  Just sort of waiting to die.  Without really ever having a clue that anyone could see something more.  I just never put that much value on myself.  I've always know what I was good at.  But when it came to being a friend.  I never thought I was good at it.  It was just instinct and my belief in God but if I would see anyone falling I would rush with all my speed to make sure they never hit the ground.  And I never really saw that is a purpose or as it is really great.  Because in my mind.  I've always thought that most people would do the same.  When in reality.  That's probably not completely true.

It's.  It's like I'm waking up after a tremendously long sleep.  It's like I'm hearing Aileen's voice.  So clearly like I'm feeling her all around me and instead of crying out of sadness, crying out of gratitude.  Because I'm really grateful.  I am so grateful to God.  Because God made me what I am.  God built me.  Just like God builds everything and yet I never paid that much attention or really ever understood.  But now I do.  And that's why the tears were streaming down my cheeks.  Because now I do.  I now understand.  I never thought I would.  I thought I would live my entire life.  Thinking it was nothing but instinct's and thinking.  My only real talents were in some of the rudimentary tasks.  I was good at.  But that's not so.  It's God gave me something when I died in 1968.  God gave me something when I saw the sacred I'm dying.  And I never really understood.  Not until I saw this person with so much pain.  Then I understood.  It's then I actually saw and heard my darling Aileen.  :-) Smiling with approval smiling was support smiling as my other heartbeat smiling because I finally understood what she was saying all those years.  All those years where I would make excuses and pass off what she was saying.  Because she was my wife and never really understanding never really accepting what she was saying.  Because she was my wife so if she was saying something like what she was saying it was because she was my wife.  Well that's not true.  Aileen saw something in me something I never really evidently saw in myself.  Or maybe didn't want to admit to or didn't know how to admit to us.

But last night when I saw that pain.  I saw the face of God.  And after almost 2 years of struggling with my grief for my darling Aileen struggling to figure out why I should want to keep on living.  What was the reason, what was the reason I should want to keep on living.  Why should I?  I finally understood.  Now I get it.  Good heavens.  How remarkably surprising.  All these years.  I was thinking it was instinct.  Yet two people in my life never saw it that way.  And then last night someone else saw it the same way.  And this time I couldn't pass it off with any kind of bias.  And it's like I said I could feel my darling Aileen standing next to me smiling and simply holding up a light and all that darkness simply went away.

Naturally, having gone through 60 some odd years.  Basically living in denial of whatever possible talent I might have been dismissing it is nothing but instinct.  Well that's not like simply changing your close or brushing your hair.  No way.  Going through an entire life and not ever realizing that what was instinct may not have been so that is well that's something that's just amazing.  Beyond incredible it is so humbling.

All the years I've been doing human rights advocacy in one way or another.  I have always aspired to put myself last.  Because that's what human rights advocates do.  They always come last.  And even though I have understood that I was never really sure if I actually understood it inside my soul.  My mind is always understood them 11 never really wish your my soul did.  And yet two different people in my life have said that is so.  And then last night, someone said it again.  And like I said, this time I couldn't pass it off with any kind of bias.  I couldn't deny it.  And I have no idea where whatever this talent is.  I have came from except from God.  No matter how my brain might think of it.  The matter how my brain might define it.  I couldn't think of any other place to came from except for God.  Which then had me on my knees.

So obviously this is not some circumstance that can be reflected on like just some old memory.  No way.  Because this is the voice of God.  Three separate times in my life.  The synchronicity is astounding.  It's beyond comprehension.  And as I said, this has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with God.

Religion is what we humans create in order to try and organize our thoughts regarding God.  But in reality if you want to hear God all you have to do is put religion and politics to the side and all that earthly stuff we grab onto in order to figure out our lives.  You just put that to the side.  Then you become quiet and you listen.  And when you do.  It's remarkable.  Because the voice you hear is so huge.  It just is gigantic.  Because when you hear that noise suddenly a single thing in your entire life.  Every second every circumstance suddenly makes sense.  And when things in your life, make that kind of sense.  Unless you are made of steel or wood you end up in tears because it's a kind of sound that is so huge and so clear that you become so grateful and so humble that the same time.  Because it's just remarkable.

Grief is an amazing process.  There are so many different dynamics to grief.  So many different aspects.  Aspects of war you confront yourself.  Your darkest fears whatever hopes you have in addition to the tremendous pain of your loss.  The point where you feel that you are so much darkness that you'll never see the light of day again.  And then suddenly the voice of God literally comes through.  Sometimes in a friend.  Sometimes in some stranger.  Sometimes, and watching a little boy or a little girl doing a really kind gesture for someone else or someone doing a selfless act or someone simply being kind to a family member or someone doing something heroic or even someone simply playing a piece of music.  And sometimes even when you're just being instinctively a friend.  Then suddenly the darkness almost completely vanishes and you become so grateful.  Because you been stumbling in darkness for so long that you just never thought you would ever see the light of day again and then suddenly the darkness is gone, replaced by light and the one you have lost his suddenly made visible.  Yes indeed that is the face of God.

And you become so humbled and so grateful.  Because you never thought you would ever see the light of day again, you never thought you would ever find a purpose.  You never thought you would ever find a reason to keep on going.  You never thought you'd ever find a reason to want to keep living.  Because your losses that huge.  And then the Almighty.  Whether you call it God or Buddha it doesn't matter.  Whether you call it Mohammed or Jesus or Joseph for Jacob doesn't mean a thing.  Because it's all the same.  It's God.  It's the only word we have.  The process is so remarkable and beyond comprehension that we don't have any other word.  But it's there.  And every single particle in every movement in every second in every encounter it everything we do.  It's their.  And when you suddenly realize it.  Well when you suddenly realize that every aspect of you everything you ever were suddenly makes perfect sense.

The face of God.  There was only one time in my life when I consciously ever experienced this.  It was that one single day on September 1, 1969 the exact day.  One year later after I had been operated on.  When God.  And I had that long talk at the top of the saddle Ridge in Tucson, Arizona.  Because in every single encounter.  I ever had.  It was easy to see God in so many different suffering souls that I found along my life.  Souls desperate and in darkness who just needed someone to extend their hand.  And I always did so.  Because in my mind and heart.  It just made sense.  It was instinct or so I thought.  When I died for those 5 min. I saw the face of God.  But it was nothing like what I saw at the top of the saddle Ridge.  One year later.  And it was nothing like what I saw and all the different calendars I ever had were people were so desperate that they just needed a friend.  Because in all those encounters in my mind and in my heart it was just instinct.  But it wasn't instinct at the top of the saddle Ridge that was different God.  And I had a knockdown, drag out discussion.  I was livid.  I hated him for giving me this kind of perception.  But by the end of the evening.  I was quite grateful.  And in all those different circumstances where there was a dark soul here or there, who is in desperate need my mind would tell me I was doing nothing more than instinct.  And yet in each one of those souls I did see the face of God but never really connected the dots.  Never really understood.

My darling wife Aileen.  She was and is and remains incredible.  She just remains completely incredible.  Because she saw in me the very thing I have never been able to see.  And yet I always dismissed it because I figured she was my wife so she was seeing these things because she was my wife or someone else might say that the two other times of which Aileen was one I never really took it seriously.  I always had an excuse to pass it off as just instinct.  I couldn't do that last night.  No way.  That was not going to happen.

And so while I slept.  Which is sort of typical.  Because it's one of the ways Aileen.  Evidently finds it easy to talk with me when my consciousness doesn't get in the way I woke up and the sound was so large.  The sound was so loud.  And the darkness suddenly was gone.  He.

And all the years that operation practically killed me.  I die.  If it's I watched my children from age 5 to 14 die in front of me, one after another all of them.  No farther away as of my own arm.  Yet I could do nothing I couldn't hold them.  I couldn't save them.  I tried desperately and I couldn't.  It killed me inside.  I couldn't understand why God would not allow me to at least try to save and I was.  It's so all my life I never blamed God for not allowing me to save them.  I blamed myself.  I couldn't stand it.  And then suddenly 45.  Some years later.  Which is probably nothing but a couple of ticks on the clock in God's time.  But 45 years later in the midst of my own darkness.  This darkness is followed me all my life from the other side of the veil my darling Aileen stands there right by the side of where I am.  My braces Kinsman my other heartbeat energy simply holds up a light something so small and after 45 years.  The darkness is gone because I see you will lose years was a talent it was what God gave me that all I did was to dismiss it as a talent when in fact it was not.  I never thought that much of myself.  I never thought I had anything special.  I thought I was nothing more than some silly tortured writer.  Well that's probably not true.

Because if it were then it wouldn't be so bright.

So how very interesting how amazing.  Because yesterday believe it or not was the exact date.  Two years ago when my darling Aileen cut off of braided her hair and handed it to me in the morning at Malachi House.  And when she handed me that braid I simply looked down at it and without looking at her I said.  This, this is something really special.  This is something just wonderful.  This is something that will always have a very special place.  It has to.  And of course I never really realized the significance of that event not as much as I do now.  Because of all the days when I would suddenly have an experience like I did yesterday.  The synchronicity of that experience taking place on the exact day when my darling Aileen cut off of braided her hair just five days for she died that to is the face of God.

Now I get it.  Now I understand.  No problem.  Now I totally understand.  I understand exactly why the sacred nine died.  Now I understand.  I never in my life, ever thought I would ever stop feeling guilty for all of them dying.  I never ever thought I would ever stop feeling completely ripped in half by watching these brilliant children die after another one after all, within arms reach and I couldn't save them.  The matter what I did.  I just could not save I tried in every way I could.  I couldn't save them.  And so all these years that darkness is followed me throughout my entire life making me feel that whenever I was with someone else.  It was just instinct.  But it wasn't.  It was that thing that God built inside of me that I hadn't even taken notice of.  That thing which two different people in my life called a talent but that never made any sense to me.  Because I never connected the dots until last night.  And then because of the synchronicity of it all, while I slept my darling Aileen.  Bless her soul.  She always did know how to get inside of me.  She was really good at that.  She is really good at that.

So now I am completely and forever changed.  I was changed before.  I mean nobody watches someone die for eight months that they are so deeply in love with and remains unchanged unless they are made of steel or wood and I'm not made of steel or wood.  So I was forever changed watching my darling Aileen die.  Every single thing inside of me was changed every single thing inside of me was made different, or perhaps made the same but only brought to my attention.  And then last night what I might've called kismet before I now understand.  I understand better than I ever have in my whole life.  And that is a grateful thing.  That is a hugely unbelievably and remarkably grateful thing.  And it's not something that you rush with.  No way.

When something that huge is brought in front of you.  The last thing you want to do is rush.  It's just too big.  It's huge.  It's gigantic.

So there's no real way to put exact words upon it.  At least not right now.  That would be a mistake.  Because it's beyond words.  But now I understand.  I understand why they died.  I never could.  I could never understand those years where they died.  Now I do.

Now I definitely do.  And as I said that is truly humbling.  Humbling to the point we're gratitude goes so far beyond anything you ever knew that you are literally reduced to tears.  Because you suddenly understand.  I love my darling Aileen so much.  I love her every single way that anyone can imagine.

If there have been any typos in what I have written so far, using my speech program.  It was probably because with my being hypoglycemic.  I was sort of losing my sugar.  And I just finally replenished myself.  I have a bowl of hot cereal.  So I have a bit more energy and my sugar is finally back to normal.

But that is what has taken place.  So it's a brand-new day.  Today of course is the 16th.  Two days before my darling Aileen would go into the last liver coma that she would ever have.  How very interesting synchronicity.  It's something that happens every single second.  But something that so often times we don't even notice.  We get caught up in a particular situation or event that we are going through are experiencing that we don't really see the synchronicity.  We might in fact see the synchronicity of two particular events and Ms. the synchronicity of all of the events.

So it's definitely a brand-new day.  My inclination is to possibly reinstall MS office.  I mean with Microsoft improving the net framework programming aspect of Windows 7 and my getting rid of all of the extraneous junk on the system.  I very well might do just exactly that.

Then of course there's my e-mail.  There is a cure for nothing to do.  I think I only have something like 225 pieces of mail to go through.  I am certainly glad I can read fast.

It's definitely a huge perceptual movement.  I'm just shaking my head.  I'm astounded by this kind of understanding of things.  In my wildest dreams.  All those years.  I never thought it would ever be possible.  I never thought I would ever find my way out.  I've been trapped by the deaths of those wonderful children.  I never thought I would ever understand why.  All my life I've been trying to figure out why.  And yet one single circumstance.  Just one single instance 45 years after it happened brings together literally thousands of moments in perfect synchronicity.  That's definitely profound.

In the scheme of things.  It's nothing.  7 billion lives.  7 billion journeys.  7 billion stories.  7 billion souls struggling so many suffering.  So many dying.  So the profundity of this instance in my own life in the scheme of things is nothing.  And yet in the smallest grain of sand is the entire universe.  So in reality, while the profundity of my own life in the scheme of things is probably nothing more than a grain of sand.  Even in a grain of sand all the energy of God is there.  7 billion lives.

Like I said this has nothing to do with religion ladies and gentlemen it has everything to do with the Almighty or God or energy or Buddha or Allah or Jesus or Joseph or Jacob or whatever you want to call it.  And suddenly, as I said, I see that what I thought was talents is really stuff that God made inside of me.  Which gives synchronicity an entirely new meaning.  I'm really grateful.  I'm grateful to God.  I'm especially grateful to my darling Aileen.  It's just incredible.

So it's going to of course take me.  Just a wee bit of time to absorb all of this.  So I may not do news stories this morning I might this afternoon.  But my inclination is to move slowly.  Not to rush.  When you find something this remarkable.  If you go too fast.  You don't see everything.  When you see something this incredible.  You just want to go nice and slowly switch you don't miss anything because it's just that important.  Because it's the kind of synchronicity that goes way beyond what you might normally find anywhere.

So I'm having my first cup of coffee.  My rocket fuel.  When I have that first cup of coffee I'm telling you I can feel that coffee just going through me, like jet fuel.  So either.  That's because a been drinking coffee for so long that one I had at first cup of coffee.  It's like absolutely the greatest refreshment in the morning.  Or, if I want to get poetic maybe it's got something magical in it.  But that would be silly.  It's probably because I've been drinking coffee since I was like 13 years old.  I wonder how many units of caffeine that breaks out to.  Of course in an alternate reality, if you told someone you had taken that much caffeine over a period of time.  They probably call you a drug addict.  But our culture, meaning our world culture, is so coffee or tea oriented the caffeine is probably more of our natural process.

In any event all I know is that first cup of coffee has just that special taste that none of the other cups of coffee during the day have.  It's that first cup.  That first cup that when you have that first cup of coffee.  It's like as I said, rocket fuel.  Because we have the first cup of coffee you suddenly feel like you're not still asleep.  That sounds so strange.  In any event, if I thought I had been changed before the only thing that comes to mind is, I ain't seen nothing yet.  And here I thought that as I would get older.  My life would just get basically sort of silly.  Fat chance.  I was never prepared for this much understanding.  I really thought I was going to be in darkness with those children dying for the rest of my life.  I never thought I would understand.

The one thing my darling Aileen wanted to do more than anything else in the whole world.  At least, regarding the two of us was that she wanted desperately to help me with my pain.  She wanted that more than almost anything else.  What a phenomenal honor for me to be able to tell her it is so.  I know she's happy.  He I know she's happy about this.  I don't know how but I know she is.  I am so grateful to her.  And, of course to God.

So I'm going to go ahead and do that.  Meaning I'm going to reinstall MS word.  But this time I'm not going to add all sorts of bells, whistles and chimes.  I'm just going to let it go on with the normal installation without trying to enhance it like I did before.  Because I think those enhancements may have been part of the problem.

Then of course because writing all this down or at least talking about all this has been so unbelievably draining.  My inclination is to lean back and take a nap.  But of course knowing how I am.  I probably won't.  I never like to squander any of the time.  I have during the day.  But I probably will take a nap later today for about an hour.  After all, I'm 62.  I'm not 25 anymore.  And I know that because when I look in the mirror my reflection tells me that.  Of course my reflection I have issues.  Because my reflection actually has a better social life that I do.  So we argue about that a lot.  Of course I can say that because I'm basically crazy.  So it's okay that I talk to my reflection because I am basically nuts.  So I said I talked to my reflection people normally laugh and understand that I'm basically crazy.  So it's probably normal that I talk to my reflection.  Until they go home and they find that they are doing the same.

My darling Aileen.  I never thought she would ever be able to heal any of my pain.  That shows you what I know.  Because she has.  And that in itself is an amazing honor.  Because I'm watching my darling Aileen from the other side of the veil finally get one single thing she has wanted more than almost anything else.

In any event, I think I really am pretty beat.  So I probably am going to take a short nap for about an hour.  To recharge.  You have to know your own body.  You have to know your own limitations.  Otherwise things don't just work as well.  So I will do that.  And then I will probably hit the ground running.  Like I always do.

My darling Leen, thank you sweetheart.  It's really wonderful to know that you are still there.  I love you my dear.  With all that I have been or ever shall be.

Safe journey my darling Leen.  Safe journey.

Thank you very much for listening.