Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Arguing with My Reflection Again

Yesterday was a really exhausting day.  I have no idea why it just was.  I think part of it is that Windows live writer is really very compatible with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  There is no doubt about that.  But at the same time it really is more work than it's worth.  At least for me.

With Firefox and the blogger new post template for the post template, it's just a lot easier for me to use Dragon NaturallySpeaking inside Firefox that it is for me to use any of these blog editors.  They just never seem to work that well.  I've had nothing but problems with them.  And the blog editor inside blogger is really very good.  I did have to go back to using the word click as a trigger word.  But that's okay.  It's a trade-off.  And my hands are just getting to sleep he trashed.  I'm at the point where I basically have put the mouse to the side.  Because it's just too uncomfortable to use anymore.  Like I said, I've been using the mouse for too many years and my hands are getting older.  So it's just not working.

But aside from that, the last few days I have been basically concentrating on this private economic agreement the members of Congress, meaning the Republican Party and the tea party have agreed to while at the same time they are members of Congress.  And what a lot of people don't remember is what happened to Congressman Traficant from Ohio.  He did exactly the same thing that the Republicans are doing right now.  And the Republicans didn't like Traficant.  So they went after him using the RICO act.  Because he made private economic agreements, while at the same time he was a member of Congress.

Republicans are doing exactly the same thing only they are basically telling the American people to go to hell.  Because the Republican Party, the tea partyers saying they are above the law and as far as they're concerned the American people to just screw off.  Because nobody's but until the Republican Party what to do.  Because they can break any law they want.  They can cheat anyone in this country.  They want.  They can steal from us they can lie to us.  They can even come and kill us and we can't do anything to them because the Republicans.  That's exactly how I feel.

And having grown up with actual Republican leadership for North Ohio.  I have to say that the modern Republicans right now in Congress are nothing but a bunch of selfish hateful racist ruthless bastards.  They're not very nice people.  They're not really patriotic Americans they're very selfish.  They're very greedy and they will steal from you in a heartbeat they'll be cheated death and leave you lying on the pavement bleeding just so that they could take your money from you.  Because that's what they're doing.  And that is what is so insulting.

For my part I don't really care.  I'm 62 years old and I have a number of conditions that are probably less than perfect with my body.  So for me it's only a matter of time.  That's just the reality.  Whether I like it or not that is my reality.  The other reality is that within seven years after a spouse dies 75% of the people my age will die.  Meaning I have a 75% chance of being dead within seven years after the death of my wife, my darling Aileen.  So that basically means that I have a 75% chance of being dead by 2017.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is an international statistic.  So whether I like it or not the chances are that I'm not going to live beyond 2017.  Now if you ask me whether I think I will or not.  I guess I might be somewhat ambivalent about it.  Because I do have the condition.  In my eyes, known as San Pak U, (spelling?).

San pak u, Is a condition where there are three sides of white around the iris of the eye.  And that basically means when you see a condition like that the person probably doesn't have much longer to live.  Because it shows up kind of imbalance in the body.  And it's actually the first time I noticed this condition in several years.  So it basically means if you believe in san pak u, Sanpaku basically means there is a kind of imbalance connected with the thyroid and the inner ear.  At least that's the theory.  So consequently, if I have Sanpaku that means I very well.  I'm not going to be around much longer.  And trust me, with the way this world is going I don't have a problem with that at all.  I've had a good life.  And I don't really give a damn if I die today or tomorrow.  In reality I have the legal format to be able to write a holographic will which I can do at any moment.  Which will take care of everything in the house.  So if I get close you all will be the first to know.  But I don't think I am.  Mostly the really wet quality to the cold air basically has the house a bit colder.  That's because these homes don't really have hardly any  insulation.

So I basically boosting the heat.  But for the next week.  It's going to be in the 40s and 50s with supposedly almost 60° over the weekend.  And that's a good thing.  The other reason I got rid of Windows live writer is because it is so much easier for me to share a news story or a link using Firefox.  It's just so much easier.  And I have to stop using the mouse and the keyboard.  That's something I just don't have any kind of choice about.

One interesting thing.  For the last several weeks.  Cleo has not been sleeping in the den with me.  But this morning.  A few minutes ago, she came over and we cuddled and now she's asleep in my chair by my vanity.  So obviously she's feeling better about being around me.  Cats are like anyone else.  Sometimes they want to be around you all the time.  And other times they don't.  Generally I don't like having the cats climbing all over me while I'm trying to work on my computer but also there's no way in hell I'm going to let my cats up on me when I'm wearing a silk skirt or nylons.  That ain't going to happen.  And naturally, they get an attitude.  But it is a very hopeful sign.  Because Cleo has not been sleeping in the den for almost a month.  And now she feels really comfortable because she's sound asleep and it's nice to see.  She really is a comfort.

But now that I am moving forward with using Firefox as the way I'm going to be doing all of my blogging or working on my Journal.  It's going to be a lot easier for me to do just that.  To work on my Journal.  In reality I would be lost without Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  That's the reality of my world.  There are a lot of people who were much more disabled than I am who are using Dragon NaturallySpeaking.  Some have speech impediments.  Other people actually have a lot more trouble using their hands than I do.  Although trying to use my mouse and keyboard.  After all these years becoming really difficult.  I have to say that.  And what's remarkable is that I don't really have hardly any trouble doing almost any of the other household chores.  It's just when I get around the mouse and keyboard.  The only thing I can figure along with a couple of the medical people I've talked to is that my hands are simply reacting to having used the mouse and keyboard for so long.  They say it's a kind of repetitive motion thing.  Which is okay.  It's just how things go.

It would have been nice if I could have had someone with me as I got older like this.  But God obviously has a reason for wanting me to do this alone.  So who am I to argue?  I mean God and I definitely have some, not down, drag out arguments.  We always have.  But we also get along.  I never really had a problem with the old man.  That's what I call God.  The old man.  So if God wants to take me out for meeting.  If God wants me to get used to possibly not being here that's fine.  I'm not going to deny that I am probably as frightened about dying is anyone else.  But so what?  Show me someone who is not afraid of dying and in my personal estimation I will show you a liar.  I've never met the person in my entire life, who did not have some fear about dying.  It's that common experience.  We all go through.  Just like all forms of life.  Including the entire planet that we live on.

In any event, going back to Firefox, and using Firefox as everything including my blogging and including my newsreader.  This will make things a lot easier.  Because my right hand is just being stupid.  If I touch that mouse no matter where I put that mouse within a matter of 30 or 40 seconds my fingers are going numb my thumb hurts my wrist hurts.  Meaning my right hand.  Because I'm right-handed.  And using the keyboard is ridiculous.  Because I have a rather long fingernails.  Which I of course keep painted.  So naturally I don't really like screwing up my nail polish around the keyboard.  But also, typing ends up giving me a lot of pain around my shoulders no matter where I put the keyboard.  It's just too many years of use.  That's what it boils down to.

So what I'm going to do about my Sanpaku is that I'm going to be doing a lot more meditation.  Because that really will do a lot.  If I'm not going to be around much longer than my meditation will of course position my thinking where I will be more acclimated to that eventuality.  And if I am going to be around a lot longer than my meditation will also work with my mind and my energy so that I will be better positioned to be able to live longer.  That's why I do my meditation every morning.  Or at least I try to.

I think what's really going on is the holidays.  I was alone on Thanksgiving and I'm going to be alone on Christmas.  I'm actually not going to have anyone over to the house until just about my birthday.  My friend from West Virginia isn't coming up until the 30th which is my birthday in December.  And that will be nice.  It will be just the medicine I need.  It's just sort of like there's not much that is fun.  But that's one of the reasons I went back to using Firefox in order to do my Journal entries.  Because this way I don't have to use my mouse at all.  Because with Dragon NaturallySpeaking 11.5.  I can basically make any kind of call I want to the screen.  And like I said, Dragon NaturallySpeaking gives me the ability to go anywhere I want on the screen.  So again, there's no real reason for me to have to use my mouse anymore.  All of the folders on my computer have been encrypted.  That's something I did over the last few months.  Because I had to stop using a password on my user files in Windows 7.  Because it was just too hard for me to keep typing my password.  But for Aileen's files, those are all password-protected.

Plus, I have limited the access that.  My system has for allowing remote activity.  There's just really no reason for me to have the remote feature turned on.  Because, for one, I normally don't let anyone come into my computer.  I have let some people in the neighborhood to get on my router.  But that's easy.  Because the way the router is set up.  If someone is your and they know the security key they can get in.  They just can't get into any of my files.  And it certainly does feel good to give my hands a break.  That's for sure.  I did get rid of the Firefox personas.  They just take way too much memory and they slow everything down.  I just have a very simple theme.

And as I said the other day Thunderbird is so much easier to use than MS Outlook.  Don't get me wrong, I really do like MS Outlook but it's just way too much engine for what I need.  Atomic alarm clock is great.  It was actually the time management program that I was using to maintain Aileen's medicines and all of the other things I was doing what she was dying.  Because it worked a lot better than MS Outlook.  And it's a great little utility.  And also without having to screw around with Windows live writer.  I can have my security camera going all the time so that I don't have to turn it off while I'm doing any dictations.  And that really is important.  Especially in the neighborhood where I live.  I mean there is so much criminal activity in this neighborhood.  It's just, well, let's just say it makes most things that look ridiculous.  Not looked so ridiculous.  Because of how absolutely stupid.  The area is with crime and drug use and alcoholism and racism, spousal abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, you name it.

I have the thermostat set at 73.  But it was just a bit too cold.  So I have turned it up to 74.  Normally I don't have it that high.  But like I said, for some reason the air is much colder this morning and it was yesterday also.  And I think that's because there is a lot of dampness in the air.  But the ceiling fans I have really do move the air around very well.  So the house generally stays very warm and comfortable.

I really think that all that is really going on is that it's the holidays.  That's all it is.  And again, so what.  I'm not the only one dealing with a holiday.  So what have I got to complain about?  How about nothing.  And finally now that I am really so with my system.  I don't have to go through all of the constant adjustments I was having to go through using Windows live writer.  What a nightmare.  Plus it never occurred to me that Windows defender would actually screw up my system the way it actually was.  Leave it to Microsoft.  It's like Microsoft isn't happy unless they are doing whatever they can to make your life more challenging and not easier.  But so what?  That's the same thing that the Republican Party is doing to most of the country.  It really is nothing more than the holidays.  That's all that is going on  with me.  I know that.  And I'm not really depressed.  I don't seem to be.  I do really miss my darling Aileen.  I miss her something awful.  Will but there's nothing I can do about it.  So it's that part of the story where I basically have to put up and shut up and just get used to the fact that she's dead.  That's all there is to it.

I have already gone through a complete solid year of ever read possible a motion that anyone could have having lost someone they love so much.  So now is a part of my life where I'm going to try to do exactly what Aileen wanted and what I have always wanted to do for myself, but never really got the chance to do so.  Which is two, live, as a woman.  Not to simply portray a woman.  But to live as a woman.  To think and to feel and to react in every way.  As a woman.  And of course I'm not stupid.  I know that the biology down below use decidedly male.  But other than a few chemical differences there's no real difference between me and any other woman.  My reactions have always been that way.  That's why my grandmother saw in me when I was just 13 that she felt I should have been raised as a girl.  Even though biologically I was a boy.  But at age 13 I did have breasts.  And you can bet your sweet ass that was something I had to hide.  And I did so really well.  Because no one ever suspected.  And that's what had to happen.

And I'm probably not hitting the ground running right now.  Because it is the holiday.  But that's where my meditation really comes in handy.  Because it's designed to work with those aspects of my bereavement and my physical and mental health so that I actually will feel better.  And when I say feel better.  I mean feel better emotionally as well as physically.  Turning up the thermostat was a good idea.  The heat in the house really feels good.  That shows you how my bones are getting old.  I mean, the likelihood is that I probably will die pretty much alone.  But something did happen last night.  Well not last night but the night before.  I had a friend over and we were watching some TV and he actually saw Aileen physically in the other room near her ashes.  I'm not kidding.  He actually saw my darling Aileen watching us from the other room and she was smiling.  Which figures.  She was always worried about me spending so much time by myself.

But as I told my friend.  It doesn't matter that I'm bisexual.  I don't see anyone really coming into my life for the duration of my life.  It took me 40 years just to find Aileen.  The likelihood I'm going to find anyone else that could come anywhere close to what she is inside my heart is impossible.  So no one could ever take her place.  And my standing rule is that if anyone wants to be a friend to me they have to love my darling Aileen as much as I do, but from within their own frame of mind.  It's just what I feel is fair.  She died protecting this house.  Which is why I can do no less.

And I don't want any of you, my readers, to everything that I am angry at any of you because I'm not.  I don't really get angry.  Not anymore.  I did used to get angry before Aileen died.  But since her death I don't really get angry I get full of passion.  But I never really angry.

I am pretty much caught up on all of my petitions.  I have all of the necessary add-ons for Firefox, and for Thunderbird.  So they are working just fantastic.  And like I said, using them with Dragon NaturallySpeaking is great.  Because it really does help.  Regardless of what I might say.

So my plan today is to basically get a shower.  Fix myself up and then I'm going to look at the news and do some news articles.  I probably will end up taking a nap around 10 AM or 10:30 AM for about 90 min.  I generally do that every morning.  Sometimes I'm actually able to go a bit longer.  If I have done my meditation earlier.

In many ways, I really do like being alone.  A lot of times it's just easier.  No one to have to try and make explanations for.  No one to have to make excuses to.  And my darling Aileen is all through the house and even inside me.  A lot of times.  My legs are getting stronger from going up and down the stairs every day.  So that's a good thing.  My old wedgies basically wore out.  So I'm wearing the new ones around the house a lot of the time.  But they were really quite inexpensive.  So I probably am going to get another pair of heels probably at the beginning of January or maybe even this month.  I'm slowly trying to flesh out my wardrobe.  Even though I don't go anywhere.  But that's because I'm basically a white-collar retired executive.  That's really what I am.  Life just got complicated and made things so that it was hard for me to continue.  That's all.

In so many ways it is nice being I don't really ever feel like I'm alone.  Because I feel my darling Aileen everywhere.  And that's great.  Doesn't bother me.  I know eventually I probably will see her.  That should be a Kodak moment.  I always have told her since she died that I don't mind her coming into the house.  I just don't want her movement lots of things around.  Although she does sort of act out every now and then.  Which basically makes me laugh.

The other thing I really like about atomic alarm clock is that it makes the clock on my pewter large enough for me to actually see the time.  I'm farsighted and I'm wearing trifocals.  So you can bet your bottom dollar I do have a little bit of difficulty seeing the screen, which is about 2 1/2 feet away.  But again, that's not really a big deal.  Boy does that heat does feel good.

I suppose I should get busy and look at my horror scope and checked the mail before  I do my meditation.  I normally meditate for about an hour at 5:30 AM, when it's quiet.

Celebrity is that.  And let me see what kind of stories I can pick up.

Thank you very much for listening.