Friday, October 19, 2012, 11:09 AM:
…. …. Mental illness:
I realize that over the past few days if not, the past few weeks or even few months, that my behavior has been less than what I would like to have it be. One thing comes to my mind. It was extremely disturbing to me in many ways, emotionally and psychologically, when I was recalling the circumstances that surrounded to separate attempts of mine to commit suicide at two different times in my life. Especially whereas, those two instances, became connected psychologically, in such a way, so as to actually cause my hysterical amnesia for the entire time frame in between the two occurrences.
So that was one thing that was extremely unsettling. It was one element of what was going on over the last few days that has made my behavior extremely strained. Very rarely do ever talk about either of those two instances. And every time I do it always brings up a lot of rather difficult and dark emotions. And that is as I said, one of the things I have been working through.
The other thing of course, is dealing with my grief for my darling Aileen. My brother-in-law, her brother, Claude, was out for a visit last night. And we really talked about a lot of different things. As a result, I gained a great deal of grounding. As a result, I then did very deep meditation. During the night.
One of the byproducts was that I realized that another factor of what was causing me to have difficulty, besides my grief for my darling Aileen. And my mental illnesses, was in fact that my birthday is coming up. And historically, ever since I got the hospital in 1968, I have always had difficulty with my birthday. It's nothing really major. It's just that, over the years, it was drilled into me so many times, about how I would not live to be a certain age. That when my birthday would finally come around, I never knew really what I was supposed to do. Because I basically never expected to live that long. Regardless of what birthday. It was.
So, that was one way. My darling Aileen used to be able to help me a great deal. Because she knew that I would always have time. That would be difficult, prior to my birthday.
As Claude and I talked last night, we both agreed that someone who basically did not have any mental illnesses, might actually still have a good bit of difficulty dealing with the loss of their spouse. And some of the other things that I was going through. And that considering, that I have mental illnesses, in addition to everything else. Claude felt that I was doing really well.
So consequently, as I have said in my Journal. Previously, this time of year was going to be really difficult. It was going to be, what I called, a bumpy ride. And that's exactly what it has turned out to be. But at the same time, I really feel that it is important for me to share a lot of what I'm going through. Because I believe that by doing this, I am actually helping others who may in fact be going similar circumstances.
Needless to say, it is important that I express how sorry I have to you, the reader, and to everyone. Because I'm not really the kind of person that wallows in self-pity. It does occasionally happen. But that's because I'm human. And I am now finding the grounding that I need in order to move forward with a good bit more clarity. It's almost like I have come out of the dark tunnel.
So again, I'm very sorry for my poor behavior. But I'm not sorry for some of the thoughts that I expressed. Because in reality, what has happened to me in my life, as a result of how others have treated me. This is something that actually happens to so many people in our world. Every day there are brilliant and wonderful children and amazing men and women all over this world who are suffering as a result of how others treat them. And as a result of how others look at them. And of course the obvious answer is, that one should not really be concerned with how other people look at them. But while that's an easy answer to speak. It is a much more difficult answer to put into action.
And that again, is yet another reason why I am sharing this information. Why I am sharing this personal aspect of my life. These are, as I have said before, the very last years. I'm going to be in this world. And that is regardless of how many years I have left to live. And according to the doctors, I'm probably going to live a fairly long life. Because I am so incredibly physically strong in so many different ways. And this they have of course attributed to having been an amateur athlete for a good portion of my younger life.
But with the being the last years I have here in this world, I really feel compelled as a human being, to try and get back to my fellow humans. In whatever way I can. I'm not really very comfortable one. It goes to my going out to different places or gatherings. Because, I do have this psychological fear of people. So as a result, I just don't really feel very comfortable around a lot of people. But that's something that goes to my mental illness and to my nervous breakdown. So there's not really a lot I can do about that.
But given that as a circumstantial my life. I also understand that I still have this desire to try and get back to my fellow humans. To try and help. This world in whatever way I can. I don't have any real delusions of grandeur. Because I don't believe that anything I might do, will really be of any significance. And yet I know from the numbers of people who read my Journal, that there are people in the world who are paying attention to what I say. And I am really gratified very honored that so many people are reading my Journal. It is an honor that I just have a lot of trouble putting into words, other than to simply say thank you.
So as I said, I feel like I have come out of a dark tunnel. And like I am actually beginning to move forward again.
I would like to say. Not only that I'm sorry for having these sections of time where I basically become quite erratic. But I also am very sorry for not being able to have a better handle on myself that I have. I am, in all honesty, doing the very best I can to try and move forward with my life and to actually beginning to like myself, which has always been a very difficult thing for me to do.
And I would also like to say thank you. To say thank you to everyone on Facebook and everyone on the Internet has in fact been supporting me through all the difficult times. I'm going through. It really does mean just absolutely so much to me. I hope you will understand that.
…. …. Blogging:
I do intend to get back to doing more blogging. I will begin doing so today. I am feeling, as I said, a great deal better. But I do want to say that I don't believe that I want to do a lot of running gun battle kind of posting. I do want to choose various posts that I believe where, if I share my opinions, that I might actually be giving others something to think about. Because that's really part of the intention of this Journal. So you can look for more news postings coming as of today.
…. Windows 7 :
…. …. Dragon NaturallySpeaking :
Another thing that happened as a result of Claude's visit last night was that we were talking about microphones. And it finally came down to the fact that the desktop microphone is actually the easiest for me to use. And because I can position that close enough to my desk chair to be able to use it without any kind of attachment on my head. Claude and I both decided that it really made more sense for me to just use the desktop microphone, rather than to use either one of the headsets. Besides, Claude and I both agreed, that both the headsets were really not that comfortable.
So that is basically what I'm going to do.
Another thing that I have learned from using Dragon NaturallySpeaking, is that if you are setting up Dragon NaturallySpeaking to start inside the task scheduler. What you need to do is, if Dragon NaturallySpeaking is not starting correctly. All you need to do is to simply re-log on to Windows. And when you do that Dragon NaturallySpeaking will show up correctly. At that point, you should run either Microsoft's disk cleaning utility. Or you should run CCleaner or some other utility cleaner. This will clean out the temporary files so that the starting of Dragon NaturallySpeaking. Normally, will be recorded in the management console. And as a result, Dragon NaturallySpeaking will start up normally. Thereafter.
…. …. Atomic Alarm Clock :
Atomic alarm clock is supposed to be able to run with Windows 7. And I have found, that is true. Where I have adjusted it's compatibility before. It never has really performs as well. As when I allowed it to simply operate normally. However, that being said, atomic alarm clock has the capability of acting as a miniature task scheduler. In that I mean, that atomic alarm clock can actually launch programs I can control the system to some extent. But I have found that when doing that, atomic alarm clock actually causes a slight conflict with task scheduler. So under those circumstances, it is my suggestion that if you are using atomic alarm clock in the Windows 7 environment, that you don't allow it to start any programs or to manage the system. But that you allow the Windows task scheduler to do that. Instead.
Part of the reason for this is because atomic alarm clock was actually invented and created during the days of Windows XP. And the latest update that it has was during the early days of Windows Vista. Which means atomic alarm clock actually operates with a compatibility to Windows XP service pack 3. But because of the broad compatibility environmental conditions of Windows 7, atomic alarm clock will operate just fine. If you do not manipulate it's compatibility. But at the same time, it is also recommended, that you do not allow atomic alarm clock to manage your system in that it would launch programs or manipulate the system. Again, part of the reason for that is because those capabilities, in atomic alarm clock, were created primarily for the Windows XP environment.
Since that time, of course, Windows 7 has greatly improved the task scheduler to such an extent, whereby atomic alarm clock with its capability to manage the system or to act as a miniature task scheduler, actually has the potentiality of causing minor conflicts with the Windows task scheduler.
Other than that, the program. Really does work very well.
…. …. Wallpaper Master Pro :
Now this is a very excellent program for manipulating graphics on your desktop. It was actually created, during the time of Windows XP. So under those circumstances, because of the nature of the program, I have found that when you adjust it's compatibility to be compatible with the Windows XP service pack 3 operating environment, that you actually have a much better experience with wallpaper Master Pro. Because it then. In actuality seems to work more consistently with the system.
Initially, I was thinking that wallpaper Master Pro was in fact causing a conflict with Dragon NaturallySpeaking in Windows live writer. In part, that was true. Because there is a selection inside wallpaper Master Pro, where you can change the color of the desktop. And I have found that by changing the color of the desktop you actually set up a small conflict between Dragon NaturallySpeaking and wallpaper Master Pro. And that this conflict affects Windows live writer.
So, under those circumstances, it is my suggestion that if you're using wallpaper Master Pro, that when it comes to selecting how it chooses the desktop color. That what you do is to have to do nothing. Simply allow the desktop color that is assigned by Windows 7 Beta desktop color and not be manipulated by wallpaper Master Pro. And by doing that, the potential conflict that wallpaper Master Pro has with Dragon NaturallySpeaking, is then removed.
…. …. SlimCleaner :
Now I have tried this program. And I really do like the program. But the one thing I have found with SlimCleaner is that it tends to clean a little bit more effectively or aggressively Ben does. For example, CCleaner. And as a result, SlimCleaner actually can in fact disrupt or even corrupt some of the necessary files of Dragon NaturallySpeaking. So under those circumstances, while SlimCleaner is a very good program. I don't really believe it is pertinent or good to use with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.
In point of fact, I don't believe any program that manipulates the computing environment is actually a very good program to use with Dragon NaturallySpeaking, with the exception of Prio priority saver. Because all the other programs I have tried, advanced system care professional, and SlimCleaner, just to name a few. I've always had a negative effect on Dragon NaturallySpeaking. And they have as a result of manipulating the computer environment in order to make it more effective. But when it does that, it then actually disrupts and potentially corrupts some of the Dragon NaturallySpeaking files that are necessary for Dragon NaturallySpeaking to operate correctly, and efficiently.
So again, under those circumstances, I would not recommend using SlimCleaner, with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.
…. …. Prio Priority Saver :
Now this is actually one of the most useful programs I have ever used with the Windows operating system. It is really a fantastic program. It's what I'm using now. And what I have basically done is to set up the priority for Dragon NaturallySpeaking and its auxiliary programs, to the level of, real-time. As far as the priority. And then what I have done is to likewise decreased the priorities of all the other programs I use on the system, in various ways. And I have reduced them to the point where Dragon NaturallySpeaking actually has the highest priority on the system. By doing that, I'm giving Dragon NaturallySpeaking. The most control of the system. And at the same time increasing its effectiveness.
…. …. Dragon NaturallySpeaking :
Another issue with Dragon NaturallySpeaking that a lot of people may not be aware of, is how you handle the user profile. A very nice person the other day mentioned to me that if you allow the user profile to simply go to the off position or simply go to the sleep position, that what you are doing is preserving the vocabulary of the current user profile in Dragon NaturallySpeaking, so that it will operate more effectively. So consequently, if you're using Dragon NaturallySpeaking primarily to control your system, it is my suggestion that what you do is simply move the microphone to the off position or to the sleep position when you are not using the program. Doing either of those positions will actually decrease the amount of resources and system memory that Dragon NaturallySpeaking is using when it is not actively engaged. And as a result, this will of course conserve on system resources and memory.
…. …. Firefox :
As I've said, I have gone back to using Firefox as my main browser. And I've done this. Because it actually makes more sense. By going back to Firefox, I have more functionality. And it is actually designed more in terms with how I think then being somewhat cumbersome, as Internet Explorer is and has always been. So consequently, I'm back to using Firefox. And the only issue I have found, is of course the shockwave flash player. But with the add-ons I have previously explained, there is an add on in Firefox where you can disable the flash player very easily. And that way. Then Firefox does not negatively impact Dragon NaturallySpeaking.
…. …. Windows Live Writer :
I am discovered something about Windows live writer that I have found prior. And that is that there is a particular add on to Windows live writer that it definitely causes problems. It's called the tag generator. And for some reason it just never really works very well with Windows live writer. It constantly has problems. And I believe part of it has to do with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.
In any event, it is my suggestion that when using Windows live writer with Dragon NaturallySpeaking that what you do is to generate the tags using the built-in tag generator rather than any other tag generating program.
another plug-in that does not seem to work very well with Windows live writer is the Facebook plug-in . it just never really seems to work very well . If you have installed either of these plug-ins it is advisable that you "repair" windows live writer in order to put it back to the level of effectiveness that it had prior to either of the plug-ins being installed.
Once you do that, windows live writer should work just fine.
If you do that, then Windows live writer should work just fine.
So there have been a lot of changes on my system. And there have been a lot of changes in my life. I've come through some rather difficult times. Over the last several weeks and months. But I am finally gaining some grounding again. And that's what I've been trying to do. I am really grateful to everyone for all their support. And I will be explaining more of what is going on in separate Journal entries. For now, I am going to get on with my daily routine.
Thank you very much for listening.
The mind is like a book. Opened and much is learned. Closed and nothing is learned. (N. Maschke – 1994)
My Dell XPS 410 Computer Configuration:
- Rating: 3.5 Windows Experience Index
- Processor: Intel(R) Core(TM)2 CPU 6600 @ 2.40 GHz
- Installed Memory (RAM) 4.00 GB (3.00 GB usable
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