Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Gratitude

8:54 PM, EDT:

A lot has taken place since my last Journal entry.  I don't ever want anyone in the city of Cleveland to ever think that I am ungrateful for all of the unbelievably fantastic acts of kindness and generosity that the people of Cleveland have shown me over the years and in my life.  Just like I am extremely grateful to the people of the city of Cleveland for coming to my rescue in 1968 when blood donations were needed at University Hospital in order to save my life.

For as long as I shall live.  I will always be grateful to the people of the city of Cleveland for everything they have done for me over the years and for the tremendous kindness they have shown me.  That has to be said, first and foremost.

Additionally, I don't want anyone to think that I am not grateful for all of the unbelievable and fantastic opportunities and acts of generosity and kindness that the Maschke family has shown me over the years.  Because I have always been grateful as I am now.  And that will be so again, for the rest of my life.

At the same time, I cannot, nor should I be expected to, forgive my sister and my mother meaning my adopted mother, for lying as they did to prevent me from being able to see my father before he died.

That was actually one of the things I was looking at over the last couple of days.  Those documents that were secured legally, which showed very clearly that my sister and my mother basically conspired, for whatever reason, to keep me from seeing my father before he died, and to keep me from attending his funeral.  I've consulted with a number of close friends regarding the events of how my father died and the funeral and how I was kept from his funeral.  There is no excuse, nor should there ever be, for how my mother meaning my adoptive mother, and my sister treated me in that regard.

But it must be understood very clearly that I have no ill feelings toward anyone in the Maschke family, including my adoptive mother or my father or my sister or anyone in the Maschke family.  I never have.  As I have said basically forever.  Growing up in the Maschke household.  I learned to differentiate behavior from the individual.  It was a survival technique.  Because I learned very early on in my life that if I would have associated behavior with the individual I would have run the risk of developing hatred for my mother and my father among other people.  And I did not want to do that.

So I separated behavior from what an individual actually is within themselves.  And again, this was a survival technique.  So that over the years, as I got older I was able to reestablish certain friendships with people, wherein, they had previously perhaps, behaved, badly, toward me in one regard or another.  Because I do not look at behavior as being representative of the individual.  Behavior are merely choices we make based on the elements of the circumstances of our lives.  That's all behavior really is.  We evaluate the situation or the circumstance and the various criteria.  Pursuant to the circumstance or the condition.  And then we choose how we will in fact respond or react to those circumstances.  And that response is, behavior.

It is true.  All my life as I was much younger and going through school, I always referred to myself that I was my grandfather's man.  But this was as a result of my exposure to an association with my grandmother.  And as a result, I identified more with my grandfather and his brother, Dr. Ally Maschke, then I did with my father.  Although there were many things about my father that I admired and that I still admire to this day.  Many things that I took or that I gained from being his son.  And for those things I am forever grateful.  And I shall be as I even go before God.

Just like it is also true that there were many things that the Maschke family did for me over the years which, regardless of how many words I might write or how many gestures of appreciation our gratitude I might display, would never really be sufficient.  Because my gratitude for all of the wonderful things that the Maschke family has done for me over the years is undying.  And there is no way that I can actually express how grateful I am for everything that they did for me.  There is no way.

At the same time I don't feel disposed to excuse or make any excuse for, the fact that all too often, I just never measured up.  The matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried it always seemed like it just wasn't good enough.  And I've had a number of friends remind me of that over the last few days.  But that's not all that was discussed.  There were many great things that the Maschke's did for me and have done for me over the years, where no matter what I might be able to do.  I would never, ever be able to repay the kindness that they have shown me over the years it would be impossible.  But none of that ever will remove the negative impact of some of the other things that also took place.  Where I ended up always feeling inadequate, no matter what I did.

When I had my nervous breakdown in 1989.  It was not due to anything regarding my childhood.  It was not as a result of how I was treated at school.  The breakdown was almost entirely as a result of what happened when I was in the ward for that year recovering from my spinal fusion.  In addition to the level of physical trauma and pain that my body has had doing your over the years.  The breakdown happened simply because I had finally reached that point, physically and emotionally where I simply collapsed.  And it wasn't simply a physical collapse on the pavement.  It was a mental breakdown.  This in fact had been foretold to me by Dr. Herndon, who performed the operation.  Wherein he explained that according to the medical records, at the time, patients who lived with constant pain for a certain number of years would eventually have one form of a mental breakdown or another.  Because psychologically, dealing with pain for that long, or for a certain number of years.  Eventually, would cause the person emotionally and psychologically to become so fatigued that they would in fact have a breakdown.  And that's exactly what happened.

As a result of that breakdown, which to this day, my psychiatrist, Dr. Goddess men and I, firmly believe, that the hysterical amnesia that I have which is not simply encompassing a matter of a few hours, but actually includes almost every single thing that happened to me.  From 1968 through and including 1973.  Almost everything during that timeframe has been shrouded behind some kind of darkness where I only have perhaps 50 viable memories or perhaps more.  Goddess men estimates that I have only about 30% of my memory from that timeframe.  And again, the assessment is that the amnesia is not coming from anything that was done to me by the Maschke family or any of my peers, but simply as a result of what took place in the ward and the level of constant pain, physically, I have lived with always years.  So, under those circumstances, Dr. Goddess when I firmly believe and so do other psychologists and psychiatrists, that it is absolutely unwise for me to try to pull those memories forward.

Additionally, I have than cautioned that when I do have memories that surface from that timeframe that these are going to be more than significantly disturbing.  It has been, to say the least, a constant battle.  But as I've always said, nothing in my life that I have ever experienced that might be considered ill or bad can ever come anywhere near the level of suffering that millions and millions of amazing children and wonderful men and women are having to deal with every single day.  I have never compared myself in that way and I have never looked at myself in that way.  I've never really been concerned would myself more than what others.  Although there were times when in fact I was.  But those times really never lasted.  The pervasive personality trait I have is that I'm always concerned for others first.  I always have been.  My earliest memories as a child I was like that.

So, on that account, it becomes obvious to me that other than absolutely documented circumstances that most of my memory of my life, at least and specifically including the timeframe where I have hysterical amnesia, is in some cases, simply, my best guess.

At the same time.  There were a number of things that happened to me in my life that my sister and other members of the Maschke family were never really aware of nor were they privy to.  Because a lot of the time of my life.  I was away from the Maschke family and on my own.  And I was not unlike anyone else.  Sometimes I did well.  And other times I did not.  But every single employer I ever worked for always said the same thing.  That I was one of the most reliable and honest people.  They had ever had working for them.  I was one of the most dependable.  Because when they knew they needed something done.  They could always count that I would get it done.  That's the way I was raised that's the way I lived my life.  And it is the way I live my life now.  And again, I have more than sufficient documentation to substantiate what I'm saying.

I am grateful to everyone I have met in this world for everything they have done for me in any way they could be considered kind or generous.  I always have been grateful.  And I always will be.  At the same time.  I'm tortured.  I'm not going to deny that because it's true.  I'm very tortured.  It's the one thing my darling Aileen wanted to be able to fix in me, which she was not able to fix.  And yet in many ways she was able to fix that part of me that lives with all this pain.  Because at the very least, she taught me tremendous coping skills, or at least helped me to refine my own coping skills to the point where I am able to exist as I do now.

So there were a number of things that happened to me in my life that were either kept hidden for a number of different reasons.  Or the facts of the circumstances were actually changed again for a number of different reasons.  So the actual facts of what I do remember throughout my life, such as some of the injuries I sustained and so forth are all quite factual.  Whether or not there is any supporting document that might actually verify it.  That does not matter.  Because as I said, there were a number of things that took place in my life that the circumstances of those situations or events were altered again for a number of different reasons.

But like I said above.  Nothing I have ever experienced can ever come close to the level of difficulty that so many millions and millions of people in this world have gone through or who are going through right now.  Nothing I have can come even close to what they are going through.  There's just no way.  As a human rights advocate, I would be denying every single thing I have ever tried to be regarding human rights.  If I said anything.  Otherwise.  So I won't.

Just like I have been partially crippled in my left leg as a result of a racist attack against me in 1962 in Cleveland Heights.  And that this attack was brought on by Catholics and Jews who were schoolmates or at least children who were going to school with me at the same time.  And the fact of the matter is that I was hated by both the Jewish children and the Catholic or Christian children.  The Jews hated me because my adoptive mother was Catholic and the Catholics and Christians hated me because my adoptive father was Jewish.  I have presented documents of that attack.  And there are still physical evidences not only of that attack, but also of how my right side of my face was a sickly rebuilt.  Because of that same attack.

To this very day.  I still have certain physical symptomatic behavior on the right side of my face from that attack.  And yet I do not have any ill feelings for anyone who was engaged in that event.  Not one bit.  The behavior I absolutely take exception to.  Because in reality, long before the term was legally used, it was in fact a hate crime.  But again, it was never really publicly talked about it was never publicly substantiated and nothing was ever really publicly done.  And I was the one who was looked upon as being responsible for the attack.  When in fact that was not the case.  That fact has been substantiated over the last few days by a few different friends.  That it was not my fault.

I cannot explain nor do I believe should I have to, why it is that through all that I came through.  I ended up being more concerned with others them with myself.  It's just how I'm built.  That's all.  It's just how I'm built.  It's how God created me.

The facts of how I almost died.  Three different times during the operation.  And then how I actually did die for five minutes at 12:02 AM on September 2, 1968 are all true.  Those four different events have been substantiated to me, again over the last few days, to the point where there is no denial.  Those things happened.  But again, trying to delve into them, or to expand upon them has proven over the last several years to not be a very good idea.  Because there is so much memory from that time frame that has been basically hidden.  As a result of the amnesia that I have.

Just like, as one very good friend of mine pointed out, there have been psychological studies of people who have had near-death experiences.  Studies regarding their life habits and their work habits their compatibility with others.  The level of PTSD.  They may in fact have.  And as this close friend substantiated.  My experience has not really been very dissimilar to any of those studies.  My behavior has actually been rather typical.  Because when you have a circumstance like that in your life.  It doesn't just affect the chemistry of the brain.  It affects the mechanisms of the mind.  And that is the fact.  Just like it's also a fact that people who have had near-death experiences in one way or another, or people who have actually died, and then have come back.  They generally have in one way or another various forms of expanded perception, or expanded awareness.  Just like I have had ever since 1968.

Dr. Goddess woman likes to throw around the term, delusions of grandeur.  He and I are actually very close in age.  And we are more than simply patient and doctor after having seen each other for 25 years.  And at this point we both almost laugh whenever he brings up that term.  Because it's almost an oxymoron.  Because all my life I've tried to be as inconspicuous and as invisible as possible so that I don't really ever have any delusions of grandeur.  I never have.  And the moments in my life when I might have had those feelings.  Things never really turned out very well so I didn't really entertain those feelings for very long.

My purpose for including my biographical profile and remarking about my grandfather have always been because of a promise I made to my grandmother and singularly on that basis.

Just like when I wrote in my previous journal entry that I would spend the rest of my life repenting for any denigration or embarrassment.  I may have caused the Maschke family.  This is true.  I will probably be paying penance within myself for all of the embarrassment I have caused the Maschke family, or any disrespect I may have ever shown.  Nothing can change what has happened.  Because when it has happened.  It has already taken place.  Which means there's no going back and changing what has already occurred.  All I can do is to try to be as honest and as true as I possibly can.  I can be no more.  I'm not superhuman I'm just a human being like everyone else.  Although there were things that happened during those five minutes that I can't even explain that I can't even put into words.  It just no way.  I meet so many amazing and wonderfully kind of people wherever I go.  I always have.  I've also experienced some people who are definitely not very kind and some who actually tried to kill me.  A number of times.  But those are circumstances that happened almost anyone.  They are not peculiar.  A singular because they happened to me, not by any means.  It's just how life is.  When you travel around this country and you do it alone.  It's almost like flipping a coin.  You end up in some experiences that are not very good, and other experiences that are really fantastic.  You see some things that you would rather forget, but may not be able to.  And other things you would like to remember, but never seem able to do so.  Like how I can't remember any of the names except for two or three of the people who I knew at Fort Lewis College.  Try as I might.  I can't remember their names.  I've tried for several years and I just can't remember their names.  The same is true with my experience at Case Western Reserve University.  It's part of what was wiped out after the breakdown.  As to why it was those years that were wiped out.  Goddess men and I have entertained the thought many times of doing various regression techniques in order to recover some of those memories, but we have always decided that it was just not a good idea to do so.  So we have not.  So in some cases, or in most cases I just don't remember the names of the people I went to school with.  And I can't even remember most of the names of the people I went to school with that southern Arizona school.  And yet I do have yearbooks from southern Arizona school where I can actually go and look at those names.  But I don't do that very often because there are memories that I can't remember from that time frame.  And so if I look at those names.  Too often, some of those memories come to the surface without any linkage which then becomes, obviously, extremely disturbing.

I'm sorry I can't remember the names.  But there's nothing I can do about that.  It's just what happened.  And at this point in my life.  I don't know that it matters.  The remaining years of my life are pretty much determined at this point.  My darling Aileen died for this house and died protecting this house.  And I will do the same.  For me to do otherwise is not only or would not only be inappropriate.  But there are not any words there just aren't.  There are no words.  I can actually speak or even write down that would come close to the profundity of love that I have for my darling, Aileen.  There's just no way to explain how deep that love is because it's like nothing I've ever felt in my life.  Even to this very second.  When you love someone that deeply.  There are no words.  There are no explanations.  So we humans will sometimes use poetry or music or imagery.

In point of fact, I am fairly happy with my life.  I'm happy with the way it turned out.  And since I actually broke with the family or when my adoptive mother basically threw me out of the family in November 1993.  I have never once asked anything from the Maschke family.  Not one single thing.  When I was asked after my father died.  If I wanted anything from the Maschke household I simply responded exactly the way I had previously or prior to my father dying and those were exactly the things that I got.  Which I have already spoken of before.  And I wanted those things for the very reasons that I said originally.  And so I have been the curator, so to speak, of those things all these years.  And when I die, those things will go to my daughter, Leah.  And everything I have that has anything to do with the Maschke family will go to Leah.  And anything that has to do with Aileen and her family will go to her brother and sister.  That's the way it has always been.  That's the way it will be.

People will think what they will think.  The Maschke's will regard me.  However, they want.  In my heart I regard the Maschke's as my family and they will always be so.  In my heart and upon my soul.  Regardless of any tortured behavior.  I might display that fact is a baseline fact.  That they are my family.  They are in my heart and they are in my soul.  And they always will be so.  But at the same time I can't the what someone else wants me to be.  All I can do is be myself.  And trying to find myself through all these years has been one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  After the operation.  It was almost like I was a chameleon.  Changing from one environment to the next.  Always adapting.  And in point of fact, my ability to acquiesce to constant change has actually been one of my strong points.  It has been how I have been able to survive all these years.  Because I constantly adapt.  Being a pacifist, in many of the situations I encountered as I was going through life.  If I did not adapt rather quickly in certain situations I would not have survived.  That is a fact.  In my travels in this country.  There isn't one single person who I ever encountered are met who was not absolutely incredible in every single way.  Some were quite positively incredible.  And there were others who were quite negatively incredible.  But they all were incredible.  They were amazing.  And I learned something or not.  Just something, but I learned a tremendous amount from every single person I ever encountered in my life as I still do to this very day.  I talk a lot but that's because I'm a writer.  And writers talk because writers live in their brains they live in their minds.  Writers don't create music.  They don't create works of art that are in museums they are storytellers.  They are writers they are the ones who paint with words.  So writers generally talk a lot.  At the same time some of my verbosity definitely comes from my having PTSD and having dealt with and lived with various forms of mental illness.  Most of my life.  This can be looked upon either as a liability, or in fact a benefit.  I can't be the judge of that.  All I can be is simply myself.  In finding that as I said, has been one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  To find myself.  There were always expectations or demands.  There were always things I was doing where I didn't really feel I could either measure up, or that I could achieve that didn't stop me from trying.  But in many cases I didn't do very well.  And that's okay to.  Because a life is a life.  Nobody does everything right.  In life.  Because if they do they should publish what they are doing.  Because of they do every single thing right in life than they are probably ahead of most humans.  And I've never met anyone in my entire life who did every single thing correctly not any single person have I ever met like that.  We all bump into walls.  We all have demons.  We all have inner skeletons.  It's part of what goes along with us being cogent or cognitive animals.  Because that's what we are.  We humans are cognitive.  We are cogent.  We in fact are not simply physical but we are in fact mental.  Because by whatever process.  One may want to admit exists.  With our brains.  We extend our experience.  Conceptually.  That's language.  That is the cognitive aspect of ourselves.  And to denied that is for us to deny our own existence.

And it's also true that where I had one form of PTSD prior to Aileen dying.  I now have two forms.  Because I suffered a second form of PTSD from being Aileen's caregiver and watching her die.  To this very day.  I have nightmares.  Demons that come out in the night.  Things that haunt me that I can't explain or get rid of.  As I've said before.  I knew how to take care of her.  I knew what to do as someone trained in first aid to take care of her.  I just didn't know how to live without her.  I wasn't prepared for that.  So finding my way since she died has been as I've said many times.  It's been like walking in a very dark forest with no flashlight using only my senses to guide me.  My senses and God.

So in the final analysis, I will be judged like anyone else's judge when they pass from the side of the veil to the other.  I have no expectations whatsoever on how people will view me or judge me.  I have enough trouble trying to do that for myself, let alone trying to figure out how other people are viewing me.  I've tried that experiment.  I don't do very well at it.  The experiment being, if you were someone else looking at yourself.  How would you appear if you were someone else looking at you.  How would you appear to you.  In other words, put yourself in someone else's position looking at you and then think how would you look at you if you were them?  Like I said I've never been very good at that experiment or game.  So I don't know how other people view me.  And because I have so much trouble trying to find myself in all that is my life.  Well I just don't really have much point of view as to how other people see me.  I do know it's true that for many years I could not say thank you when someone paid me a compliment.  I wasn't able to do that.  The self-hatred I lived with was unbelievable.  And there is still a lot of that in me as should be obvious.  It's not intentional.  It's not feigned.  It's just reality.

In point of fact, after Aileen died to this very day.  I'm still trying to find out why I should want to keep on living.  I know that living is what you do.  Life goes on.  So I'm not suicidal.  Though I have thoughts of suicide several times every day.  But that is simply as a result of my PTSD.  But I'm not suicidal.  I just don't really care very much of my live much longer.  I'm tired.  After 46 years of dealing with the level of pain I live with and have lived with.  I'm just tired.  And in my mind if I die I go back to God, and into the arms of my darling, Aileen.  Whether that is true or not doesn't matter.  Is what I hold in my heart.  It is what I hold in my mind.  It is how I believe in God.  That when I die I will go back to God.  And I will go into the arms of my darling, Aileen.  If that is a euphemism or some fantasy that's not my fault.  Because everybody has notions of what happens when they die.  We all do.  It's human nature.  So I am not peculiar are singular in that regard either.  Nor would I want to be.

One of the techniques I have learned over the years with which to deal with my PTSD is that when things begin to seem somewhat unfamiliar, I slow down.  I go very slowly.  And I would draw.  I go into myself and do various forms of meditation in order to find clarity and find my way through.  To put things in perspective.  Which is also something I have been doing and that I'm still doing right now.  It's the fourth year since she died.  And for myself.  I am in totally and completely unexplored territory.  I have never been where I am right now.  Everything is new.  Every moment, every second, every hour every day.  It's all new.  I've never been here before.  And according to the very many people I have spoken to who have lost a spouse or a child or a sister or a brother or a mother or a father someone close.  They all tell me the same thing.  You have to go slow.  You have to be deliberate.  You have to keep going.  And you have to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  So I do.  As to whether I'm doing well or not.  That's for others to judge.  I can't make any assessment as to how well I'm doing.  I'm having enough trouble just keeping my balance.

Which is why I may not be able to keep up, consistently, with the petitions.  I want to.  But I have to go at my own pace.  And the promises to my darling, Aileen.  The ones I made to her before she died those promises of all the promises I have ever made in my life.  Save the ones I made to God those of the promises I have to keep, no matter what.  It's not like I don't have a choice.  Everybody has choices.  But again, the level of love I have for my darling, Aileen.  I cannot even put into words.  I could talk for the rest of my life.  And I probably will do so.  And no matter how much I say no matter how much I talk it will never be sufficient to even come close to expressing how deep my love is for my darling, Aileen.  There's just no way.  It's impossible.

All I can do is the best I can.  And if that's not good enough for some, then I am very sorry.  I'm sorry am not doing better I'm sorry for whatever I have done that has caused any ill feelings.  I'm just doing the best I can.  And admittedly, I'm probably not doing as well as others.  But I am doing the best I can.  I can state that categorically.  My closest friends know that is true.

So for right now I am taking a break from the petitions.  It's just too much right now.  My body in certain ways is fighting me.  And if not fighting me.  At least challenging me in new and different ways.  But I'm sort of used to that after all these years.  So I will get through.  I just may not do it in terms of what other people would expect or demand.  All I can do is the best I can.  And I've always tried to do that.  No matter where I was or what I was doing.  I always tried my best.  And I suppose the explanation for that would probably take a number of different Journal entries.  But it's the way I am.  It's the way I have always been.  Eager to please.

I'm sorry I'm not better.  I'm sorry am not stronger I'm sorry I'm not what others may expect or want.  I'm just me.  That's all I've ever tried to be.  Just me.  And finding myself to roll of the pain and the broken memories or the missing memories, the demons that come at me in the night.  Trust me when I tell you it's one hell of an experience.  It can wear you out.  Or at least wear you down.  But I keep going.  Because that's what you do in life.  You just keep going.

This Journal will not be coming down.  It can't.  I promised my darling, Aileen.  I would keep writing.  She was so adamant about that.  And the reasons for that.  Again, would have to be a different and separate Journal entry.  Because there were a lot of reasons she was adamant about that.  Why she was so firm.  Why she is to this day so firm.  And for those who don't believe me, I'm sorry.  She and I are in communication.  And I can't even explain that.  And Dr. Gott's man can only explain some of it but not all of it.  Religious people I have spoken with explain it.  One way scientists explain it another way.  But explaining it doesn't change the fact.  We communicate.  We always could.  And we always will.  Just like I'm able to see on the other side of the veil.  Ever since 1968.  I could do that.  And that is something that friends of mine have explained is somewhat typical of people who have had near-death experiences, and who have actually died.  For some reason.  Once you get close, or you actually go there and come back.  You have a kind of expanded awareness or expanded perception.  And in life here in the real world a lot of times those expanded awareness is or expanded perceptions generally get in the way.  Which is another part of those studies.

So forgive me if I write to my darling Aileen periodically because that is exactly what I will continue doing.  And there are those times when I am writing to my darling Aileen when she will actually become part of the conversation where she will almost through what might be known as automatic writing, become part of the conversation where she is actually talking through me.  That is happened a number of times since she died, and it will probably be that way for the rest of my life and that's okay as well.  We were more than just husband-and-wife.  We were a lot more.  After all I did live a number of years, as a transgendered female.  And I suppose if I had the energy, and the inclination, I might be continuing to live that way.  But there just doesn't seem to be much reason to do so.  So I don't.  Which makes trying to find me through all of that a bit more challenging.

Currently I'm dealing with another slight misalignment of my hips.  This is due to a reaction to my colitis from having believe it or not, white bread.  The gluten in white bread is actually much higher than it is in whole-wheat bread.  And because of a number of factors, including, but not limited to, my having a form of ulcerative colitis.  I then subsequently have a reaction to the high levels of in white bread.  And when that happens, I end up having to some degree or another misalignment in my hips as a result of lower track blockage or complications.  It's nothing that needs a colonoscopy.  It's just a reaction that's all it is.  And when that happens, I simply increase my fiber intake and within a matter of hours.  The fiber actually acts like a kind of catalytic agent, whereby the blockage begins to disintegrate.  And I then begin to become more normal.  It simply comes from not paying complete attention.  But that's okay.  You can't pay attention every single second.  Because if you do then in my mind, you probably are human.  We are not computers.  Even though our brains are very similar.

So the Journal is not coming down.  And I make a humble apology to anyone and everyone who has ever been affected in any kind of negative way by my actions are my thoughts are my words.  I'm tortured and that is something that will probably never go away.  Which is one of the reasons I tend to like being by myself.  It just makes the most sense.  Because I don't like conflicting myself on anyone.  Which is why I resisted meeting, Aileen, as long as I did.  But she was relentless and I am glad that was the case because falling in love with her and knowing her, was absolutely the greatest honor I ever had in my entire life.  Just like loving her now is.

I will get back to doing petitions.  But it's going to take me a few days.  I'm obviously having a lot of psychological and emotional reaction to a number of things probably a lot.  I don't even know where it is coming from a lot from memories.  I can't even remember.  And that in itself makes me feel inadequate.  Because in other ways.  My mind is so absolutely lucid and clear.  But I don't think God is really going to care much.  Because God knows how much I love this world, then how much I love humanity and hopefully most of you will know that as well.  I'm sorry.  I'm just doing the best I can.  I'm sorry if it has not been good enough for some it's the best I can do.  All the times in my life.  The time since my darling Aileen has to be one of the toughest times I have ever lived in my life.  And I've been in some really interestingly tough situations, but nothing can come close to what I've gone through or what I'm going through now.  What I'm living with now actually brings out my rather dry sense of humor.  That's one of the things that keeps me going.  And whistling.  I loved to whistle.  Ever since I first learned how to do it.  It wasn't some trick.  It was like I was sounding like the birds.  When I was small and I first learned how to whistle.  It was like I was sounding like the birds and that used to really get my attention.  Now it's more because I believe it is right and the correct thing to do to have a song in my heart and God on my mind.  It just makes sense.  So I whistle.

It was interesting today.  As I was walking down this one straight.  This lady was sitting outside and her remark was just amazing.  She looked at me and she said, keep on whistling.  I love hearing that sound as you walk through the streets.  And I looked at her and I said, really?  And she said, absolutely.  In this neighborhood.  Nobody whistles.  You're the only one I've heard.  She says it's really nice to hear.  And I laughed and I said well I have a song in my heart and God on my mind.  And she smiled and said, that's probably just how it should be.  I was so flattered.  And then I realized as I was walking away.  That perhaps she's not the only one who enjoys hearing me whistling.  And then as I made my way to the store, I began to notice that most people really do enjoy hearing me whistling.  It just seems right.  It's something I've always done.  And while I'm going through all these changes with everything being new almost every it's nice having something you've done all your life like an old friend standing by you something you can count when everything else keeps changing.  So I whistle.  Maybe some people think I'm stupid when I look foolish.  It doesn't matter.  I don't care.  Because I always remember that when I was.  So I really sound like the birds.  Why was growing up, ladies, to think it was remarkable how they could make those melodious tone's.  And then I learned how to do it myself.  I was very young.  And I was so excited that I could do that.  So I never stopped.

Just like my sense of humor is absolutely my father's.  That is beyond any doubt.  I combination of my father, my grandmother, my aunt Helen.  My sister, my mother.  That's where my sense of humor comes from.  From them and from the many many people who I've met throughout my life.  But mostly from my father.  Others who have known my father and me have said that.  That my sense of humor is his.  In many ways we were really close.  Closer than most people understand closer than my sister Mary, or my mother ever understood.  It was like we were connected.  And yet there were those other parts where we were just so very different.  His racism.  Although he wasn't Shelley about his racism, but it was there.  It was one of the things that sort of pushed the subpart.  But we were still connected we were still so very similar in so many ways.

I know from having so many women friends that the last thing they want to hear is that they are turning out to be their mother.  All you have to do is say that to some woman and I guarantee you the next thing you will see is the view looking up.  After she knocks you flat.  And yet it's like whistling.  My sense of humor being so much like my father's or being from my father, if like an old friend standing by me, right next to me, something that's constant something that has always been there.  We were in so many ways like Abbott and Costello.  That's how we reacted a lot of times to each other.  It's the closest thing I can come to at describing the chemistry between us.

To say that I miss him is so far beyond being an understatement.  When I learned of his death.  I couldn't even hardly for almost a year.  Although I had to of course.  Because I had to go the temple to pray for him, which I did for a solid year.  But other than that I wasn't able to do hardly anything else for almost a solid year.  If Aileen hadn't been with me.  I probably would never have survived.  That's the truth.  She saved my life in so many ways.  And then when it came time I was not able to save her life.  All I could do was give her or help her to get more time to where she had saved my life so many times I was not able to save us.  That thought is a kind of undercurrent that torments me periodically.  The matter what I do or say it's their.  Just like the torment of not being able to see my father before he died.  That's a pain that really runs deep.

That's why I've asked Aileen to check in on him periodically and she does.  Whether anyone believes that are not.  She does.  And I know that father and I will see each other again.  I know that.  And it will be swell.  That was his word.  Swell.  He really liked that word.  And I think it's remarkable because it's one of the words.  I hardly ever say.  Growing up hearing him say that almost sounded for and yet very expressive like it was perfect.  He was so many things to me.  In so many ways.  But I was always left feeling like no matter what I did.  It just wasn't good enough.  The matter how hard I tried.  Because I was always trying to please him.  And please my mother or.  Please someone else.  It just never seemed like it was ever good enough.  So eventually I stopped trying.  Not because I wanted to but just because it didn't seem to make sense to keep on trying.  Because I knew I would never measure up.  For whatever reason.  And yet there was that other side where I always did measure up.  And so the two sides would almost do battle with each other even as they are now.  Which is okay.  We are cognitive we are conceptual and being so is not without conflict.  Because that's part of the remarkable thing about being human.  We live in conflict.  Conflict within ourselves conflict with the world conflict with each other and somehow through the conflict, we find our way.  We learn how to express ourselves through the conflict.  Those who do well at articulating their ways through the conflict, and dubbed doing better.  Those who don't.  Don't do as well.  While I have never really fallen down physically very much in my life.  Because of the danger.  I have fallen down so many times emotionally and psychologically in my life that it's a wonder I'm not black and blue from head to toe.  I'm always bumping into trees.  And yet physically I'm incredibly surefooted.  I can literally feel my way in a completely dark room without touching anything.  I can put my hands out in front of me and I can feel every single thing in the room.  I can do it with my eyes closed.  Sometimes I think that's pretty remarkable.  Because I am not completely sure why I'm able to do that.  And yet scientifically I know the reason, but it still seems pretty incredible.  In this house.  It's not that hard.  I've lived here now for 25 years, or almost.  So I know every square inch of this house.  Every floor.  Every note.  Concurrently.  Still in a dark room.  I can put my hands out.  Even if I've never been in that room before and without touching anything I can feel every single thing.  Explain that if you want.  Because if you do you will be doing better than I am.  Because even though I understand the science.  It just seems sort of remarkable.

Bilbo is sleeping on the chair next to me.  He likes being close, especially now that he's getting more frail.  I mean he's 14 years old.  So is old.  So he likes being near me.  And I totally understand why.  When Bilbo dies I will place him in the ground right next to Aileen's rose bush.  It's what she would want.  It's what she wants.  It's the right thing to do.

I'm sorry I'm so tortured.  It's just how things are.  The physical pain I live with is beyond what most people would even believe.  After 46 years.  I generally just shrug.  And that's just the physical stuff.  The mental is harder the emotional, psychological those pains are hard to put any kind of words on.  They are hard to describe.  There's just no way.  So right now I'm moving a little slower.  It's just the way things are.  That's why I always say, sometime slow.  Sometimes fast.  But, ever onward.

So for those of you who care who are reading my Journal.  Because you care about me.  Please have patience.  I'm asking you with all sincerity.  Please have patience I'm trying as hard as I can, and I may not be doing really well, but at least I'm trying as hard as I can.  It's all I can do.  I know in my heart that my father is satisfied with that and I know my darling Aileen is as well.  And what's more, I believe in my heart and my soul.  God is not angry with me because I believe God understands that I'm doing my best.  I'm trying as hard as I can.  And it's just not that easy.  And I can't do what I'm doing.  Like someone else might do it.  I can only do it like me.  And as I've said that probably not good enough for some, but hopefully it will be good enough for you.

I'm probably going to go to sleep watching the ghost and Mrs. Muir again.  I love how that movie draws Aileen all through the house.  The moment I put that film on I can feel her moving through the house.  It's so comforting.  It is our movie.  It's us.  Only she is now Capt. Greg and I'm Mrs. Meer.  There is a real role reversal waiting to happen.  My hands are slowly becoming a little bit more normal.  Because they were rather swollen earlier today.  And if I don't wear of this wrist brace on my right hand, then my right hand hardly works at all.  And that makes me laugh and I don't know why.  But it's okay.  I keep going one way or the other.  I will probably die in stride.  But that's okay.  Like I always say.  God can knock me down is much as he wants, but I will always get up at least until that last time.  And I ain't there yet.  I just gently put my hand on Bilbo's head.  And he gets so happy.  Just feeling my touch the human touch.  We take it for granted.  And yet it's so important.  I mean it is so absolutely incredibly important.

So Bilbo sleeps right here in the den with me now.  It's where he likes to be.  I've actually put a little footstool right in front of the chair that he likes to sleep in because his hind legs are rather arthritic so he has trouble jumping up into the chair.  But with the footstool he could get up on the footstool and then into the chair and then he gets really excited and happy like he's accomplished something.  And that's important.  That's something that seems to be almost a universal truth, regardless how it may present itself.

And in a few days I will be feeling a lot better.  My hips will be back in position.  And I will be feeling better.  And him and I will continue moving forward.  I'm not going to say that I have not been unfair in some of what I have written in this journal because I have.  And I take responsibility for them.  And I'm very sorry it wasn't my intention.  It's never been my intention, I just have so much conflict going on inside of me.  I always have.  It's part of me.  But it's the best I can do.  I can't wave my hand and suddenly make it all go away.  Because if I good I would most certainly do that.  But I can't.  So I make no excuses.  I offer explanations, but that's all it is, or they are.  Just explanations nothing more.

I think I'm probably going to take some aspirin and have a short cup of milk and then I will put on the ghost and Mrs. Muir.  And perhaps tonight may be Aileen and I will simply walk in the garden holding each other and knowing that while our touch right now is from here to there.  That eventually will be right next to each other again.  It's my highest hope.

I'm definitely going to take some aspirin tonight before I go to sleep.  My body is so it would seem, having a kind of temper tantrum.  If that's the right expression.  And I can't just simply tell my body to take a timeout.  Because I don't know what that would do so.  Instead, I will take a timeout.  And then I will press on.  It's what you do.  Whether you like it or not.  You just keep going.  You keep believing and you just keep going.  Following your heart.  Following the light of your soul.  Following God.  Following those you love those who believe in and what you believe.  You just keep going.

Thank you very much for listening.

[I will be including this Journal entry.  As part of the entries at the top of this page in the section entitled, my inner self.  Because, this entry is certainly so.]


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Truth Game

1. My father, Maurice Maschke Jr. was a good man. He was my father. And I loved him during his life, as I love him now. I do not believe now, nor have I ever believed that he "wasted" his life. To me, while he was alive, I always admired him in many ways. The aspect of racism is something was a part of his life. I will not denigrate his honor or his memory by discussing that aspect of his life any further.

2. My mother, Michaeline Maschke, never seemed happy with me. But I have loved her, as well, all of my life, as I  do now. Even though there is evidence that she did not like me very much. And more.

3. I regret any ill feelings that my life has caused the Maschke family in any way. I have no idea, since my birth records, and the records of what happened to my birth mother were destroyed; To know why it was that the Maschke family chose me to adopt.

4. I have been grateful and shall be so, to my last dying breath for all the things that the Maschke family have done for me over the years of my life. And when I do go before God, such as it might be, I shall endeavor to pronounce to God my affirmation of my gratitude to God and the Maschke family for my life.

5. As I have said, this journal will come down, or become totally private as of January 1, 2015. As of now, I am no longer signing any petitions, or am I lending the Maschke name to any effort on-line or otherwise, regarding any political or human right activity I might engage in. The last thing I want to do is to be more of an embarrassment to the Maschke family than I have already been. I am deep  sorry for any embarrassment, or ill feelings I have caused, with my life, having identified myself as a Maschke. For while this is a true statement, as the public records in my biographical profile clearly show. My only reason for including that profile in this journal has been on the basis of my promise to Minnie Rice Maschke, my grandmother. But as of January 1, 2015, that profile and all other public aspects of my life will no longer be visible. And therefore I will cease to be an embarrassment to the Maschke family. I can only repent any action, on my part, that has denigrated, or embarrassed the Maschke family.

6. God knows my heart and God knows my soul. And God knows the conditions of my thoughts and the dedications of my heart. Therefore, I am confident that my father, on the other side of the veil, knows my love for him, grandfather, grandmother, mother, Helen, Lilly, and all the Maschkes and the gratitude that is mine, and that has always been mine for the life I was allowed to live, due to being adopted by the Maschke family.

7. I have always said that actions speak louder than words. So let the actions of the remainder of my life do my speaking for me. I shall be simply who I am ... Nothing more and nothing less. I will not, under any circumstances commit any action, or thought or deed, in any way, that will embarrass or denigrate the Maschke name. I will confine my life to my promises to my darling Aileen. To preserve our home and to live my life in accordance to the promises I made to her.

I am sorry, with all of my heart for any aspect of my life, past or present that has caused any ill feelings or embarrassed the Maschke family in any way. I am, as my grandmother, Minnie Rice Maschke, and Helen Maschke Hana considered me, a Maschke. And my father, Maurice Maschke Jr. also always considered me so as well. It was his wife, Michaeline Maschke, who took exception to me. And for that, on whatever basis, I am sorry that I did not meet or fulfill her desires. I can only be what I am. nothing more and nothing less.

As I said. I repent anything I have said or done that has caused any ill feelings, or denigrated or embarrassed the family in any way. But also, as I have said. God knows my heart and my soul. Let then, God be the judge of the disposition of my life and my soul. For it is to God that I shall return when my life completes.

As a pacifist, I shall continue for the duration of my life, to dedicate my life upon the basis of being a friend to all life. And to being ready to sacrifice my life, on the account of the protection of others. But I shall do so now, more quietly and privately. As I repent before God anything and all that I may have done in my life, whereby I have dishonored either my father, my mother, or anyone connected to the Maschke family. It is all I am capable of.

I have always based my life upon unconditional love for all life. Taking exception only to the choices, and/or behavior, that we humans bring outward in ourselves. Wherein such behavior causes harm to anyone. So I have lived. And so it shall be, through the completion of my life.

I shall pray to God that one day, the Maschke family will find it in their heart to forgive me any of the poor choices I have made in my life, whereby, as a result I have embarrassed, or denigrated, or caused any ill feelings. As I said. I shall repent this before God.

I send to all life in this world. To my family, the Maschke family and to all life everywhere, good energy, and high hopes for happiness, good health and all good things always.

Godspeed ...

Hiatus

11:52 PM, EDT:

It is come to my attention, as a result of a communication I have received from my friend, who does not live where I am living in Cleveland.  And I have been made aware that the dislike that the Maschke family has had for me because I am basically an adoptee, into the Maschke family.  That this dislike has now turned to open hatred.

I have been advised that it is probably a very good idea for me to become as invisible as possible.  That the Maschke family, at least here in Cleveland will do everything they possibly can to cause me as much harm as they possibly can because they hate me that much.  In this discussion, it was brought up that it might be a good idea for me to leave Cleveland altogether.  But says that is just not possible.  The alternative is that I simply become invisible.  That basically the Maschke family would prefer that I'm not even living in the city that I go somewhere else.  That I'm no longer wanted in the city that I'm no longer wanted by the Maschke family at all.

I totally understand that.  It's not something that is new to me in the life I have lived with the Maschke family.  The only two people in the Maschke family, whoever considered me part of the Maschke family, was my grandmother and my father's sister.

So I will probably not be writing in this journal anymore.  Furthermore, I don't believe it is a good idea for me to continue any further online activity.  I will not be terminating any of my online accounts.  But for the foreseeable future, I probably am not going to have hardly any, if any, online presence anymore.

It never occurred to me that the dislike that the Maschke family has for me as a result of my being an adoptee, would have returned to the degree of hatred that the family now has for me.  But again, it's perfectly understandable.  It's not something that I am not used to.  And in point of fact, it doesn't really matter.  Because no human will judge my soul when I die.  Because no human is God.  It will be God who will judge the condition of my soul.

I have no idea why my birth mother's medical records, of when I was born, were destroyed.  And, subsequently, I have no idea why the medical records regarding my spinal operation in 1968 were also subsequently destroyed.  But they were.  Obviously, there is something, or was something, but someone did not want known.  Which is fine.  Because in the scheme of things it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter at all.

These journals will remain public until the end of this year.  Meaning it as of January 1, 2015, the journals will no longer be public at all.

And one of the things I do know a great deal about because I have done this so many times in my life.  His how to disappear.  So between now and the end of this year, that is exactly what I will do.

As I said earlier.  No one was there in 1968, except for a few nurses and the doctor on call.  And then as things proceeded, the only other people who were actually there in the hospital at 12:05 AM, on September 2, 1968 were Dr. Charles Herndon and Dr. John Murphy.  But besides those two, and a few nurses.  There was no one else there during those five minutes or those five measured minutes, when I was legally dead.  So no one, not anyone in the Maschke family, nor anyone else on earth, was actually present during those five minutes, except of course for myself.

So no one really knows anything other than what I have disclosed over the years, as to what actually took place during those five minutes.  And everything I have written throughout the last 46 years has really represented nothing more than very tiny slivers of what actually took place.  And that is appropriate.  Because as I said before, there were things during those measured five minutes, which in reality was, at least where I was, longer than five minutes, that actually happened that cannot ever really be put into any kind of language because there just is no language to support what actually took place.

Which means that most of what the world has regarding what happened during those five minutes is nothing more than conjecture.  I on the other hand, know exactly what happened.  Because not only was I there.  But it happened to me.  And this particular point is not only germane, but is significant as well.  Because in light of what I wrote earlier.  Certain criteria, and/or conditions, have changed, to such an extent.  Whereby, as a result, I am moving in a slightly different manner.

There is part of me that has always felt even as young as when I was four and five years old.  That I would've much preferred to not have been part of the Maschke family.  There were a number of things that took place that made me feel that way.  And the current attitude of the Maschke family, at least here in Cleveland has confirmed for me that whatever happened in 1950 that brought me to the Maschke family was, at best, simply unfortunate.  I would've done a lot better had I not been part of that family.  I would've done a lot better in my life and the family would've been happier.

But in order not to cause any discomfort or draw any further attention to myself in any way.  I will not write anymore.  In my Journal.  And by the end of this year, the journals will disappear.  In subsequently, as much as possible, so will I.

I have never hated any human being in my life.  I've never hated any thing in my life.  I do not consider behavior anything.  But it has always only been behavior that I have taken exception to.  And I have never identified behavior as being identifiable to or representative of the human that the behavior is in fact coming from.  In my mind and in my way of thinking, behavior is nothing more than a choice of how we present our inner personalities, whereby our inner personalities and become our public or outer personalities.  So I have never hated any human being.  But I have always taken exception to the manner in which we display our personalities to each other and to ourselves.  Whereby, as a result, humanity has engaged repeatedly throughout human history in various attempts of self-destruction.

In point of fact, I can say with almost absolute certainty.  I truly regret having ever been part of the Maschke family.  I am sorry that the circumstances of my life positioned me in such a way so that I was part of this family.  Because it has done nothing except cause repeated trouble for me.  All of my life.  I have never been able to measure up to their standards.  I have never been good enough for what they wanted me to be.  And I have never in my entire life ever been accepted like I was part of the family except for my grandmother and my father's sister.  So I am sorry that I have caused so much trouble for the Maschke family by being even born.  Perhaps my mother was right.  Meaning my adopted mother who was of course my father's wife.  Meaning the Maschke family.  Perhaps my mother was right when she said that I was nothing but a failed abortion.

But I don't believe that my birth mother felt that way.  There is so much that I understand within myself that certifies to me that my birth mother did not feel that way about me.  Otherwise she would not have died in order to try and make sure that I would have my life.  I only regret that I was ever part of the Maschke family.  But I will not deny my linkage to my mother and my father or to my grandmother or to my grandfather..  Because if I did that, then I would be in denial of my own life.  And while the Maschke family would wish what would hope that I just would go somewhere and die.  I'm sorry I can't expedite that.  But what I can do is to be as invisible as possible.  So that I will no longer be any kind of hindrance to their happiness, or their peace of mind.  God knows my heart.  And God knows my soul.  And if the Maschke family wants to stand above God in judgment over me.  Let them discuss that with God.  And not with me.  Because I have not met to human being in this world who has in my estimation, the authority or the right to stand above God in judgment over other men or women.  But of course the Maschke's are different.  They can judge anyone, just like they have judged me all my life.  Just like I have never been good enough for them no matter what I did.  No matter where I went.  I was never good enough for the Maschke's.  And as I said I'm sorry that I haven't been able to die sooner.  I'm not dying now, and I probably will live for a long time and I know that's incredibly inconvenient for the Maschke family and I'm very sorry.  But that's just life.  I don't feel that I should have to wander off into the wilderness somewhere, and then to take my own life.  Just because the Maschke family finds me inconvenient.  Because of they found me inconvenient then why the hell was I even sold to the Maschke family in 1950?  I wasn't inconvenient then.

The point is moot.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Circles

In a manner of speaking, all forms of life, throughout the universe, are in the process of, and on, a spiritual journey.

Based upon a number of factors, not all of them visible here in my journal, or in my physical life, my journey has brought me to a place wherein I am going to move on from this place where the world is mired in. And to do that, I have spiritual work that has to be done. I am in the process of initiating that work at this time.

Therefore, I shall not be writing very often in my "online" journal anymore. I will continue, privately, to support and sign appropriate petitions. For my journal?

Well, all I can say is that I will write again, when it is appropriate to do so.

I do not now, nor have I ever, had any feelings but only those of unconditional love for all life, here on earth and throughout the universe. There is not one single human being living, now, that has ever lived, or that shall ever live, who I do not love with all that I have been, or ever shall be.

I have always taken exception 'only' to the choices that humanity makes, whereby, as a result, humanity finds it so easy to destroy that which humanity call it's home, the earth. And whereby humanity uses so much of humanity's resources to destroy life, and to destroy anything that humanity deems not worthwhile or that has no purpose in the world. For it was not humanity who made the world. Yet humanity, with humanity's ego, finds it all to easy to make definition of what is worthy and what is not. When humanity is not the creator of life, and never has been. If humanity chooses to continue to insult God, or Allah, or that energy that exists beyond this world that created all that is here. That is humanity's choice. And by that same token, humanity will be judged on that basis. Not only by humanity itself. But all life as well.

My journey is now moving into that different circle.

I will attempt to work on the pending petitions sometime during the next few weeks. And, as I said, I will write here in my journal when it is deemed appropriate to do so.

My highest hope for humanity is that humanity will find the light, the moral stamina and the conscience to finally learn how to love humanity as what we are, the family of humankind. Whether that will come to be so, does not depend on me, or even on any aspect of what we, as humans might define as God or whatever term one chooses to apply. Whether humanity finds the light to find the soul of humanity depends on humanity itself. My part in all of this has been what I have said. to be "an example". One of many in the world, of, ' the least of that is....'. So that the creative energies that we call by so many different names could then demonstrate to humanity that what humanity does to the least there is in this world. Humanity does to itself.

I send all of humanity all of my love. And I pledge that, as a pacifist that I shall always be ready to lay down my life in defense of others. And that I shall begin each day praying for the soul of humanity. That humanity will find the means and the courage to finally love each other, instead of trying to destroy each other.

I send you good energy. And high hopes for happiness and good health and all good things always...


Wanna be Warriors

5:33 AM, EDT:

First of all, please let me say that I am sending my prayers and my thoughts and my hopes to the families who are the victims at the Jewish centers in Kansas City who are the victims of the unspeakable violence by these militia groups.

I am so sorry for the tragedy.  I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in my prayers and in my heart.

That being said, let me say something about these militia groups.  First of all, they are nothing but cowards.  That's the reality.  They are gutless cowards.  Militia groups are not people who have any real courage.  They don't have any real courage at all.  They're just basically stupid and extremely lazy people who are very really unintelligent they don't have very much intelligence, they don't even have college degrees.  Most of them because they're just basically stupid.  I've talked to many of them throughout my life.  None of them have any real intelligence because they're all basically just stupid backward primitive ugly racist ass hole restaurants, that's all they are.  Their children are stupid.  Their families are stupid.  Their parents are stupid.  They are worthless.  They are not patriotic Americans.  They don't give a damn about America.  They don't give a damn about anything because they're just stupid ass holes with guns.

And if any of you militia groups think you're so damn tough.  Why did you come on my street with your weapons and come after me and kill me?  Because none of you stupid bastard.  Militia groups have that kind of courage.  That's why.  You are gutless cowards.  You nothing but a bunch of stupid bastards who don't have any real brains because you're not able to go to school because you're too stupid to go to school your to stupid because all you know how to do is pick up a gun and kill.

So many of you ass holes want to go ahead and kill it.  You wanted to come and try and kill me.  Because you stupid bastards know full well that if you come anywhere near my home, you will be seen all over the world and you don't want that because you're all gutless racist stupid bastard cowards.  The Army of God is not the Army of God.  They are an army of acetyl stupid bastards who don't even care about Jesus.  Because if they cared about Jesus.  They would never go out and try to kill a Jew.  Seeing as how Jesus was a Jew.

And I guarantee of the acetyl stupid bastards of the Army of God to come and try and kill me.  I dare you.  I'm calling you out because you stupid militia bastards are nothing but gutless acetyl cowards you don't have the guts to come on my street with a gun begin.  You know damn well that if you do, you will be seen, before you even get to my property and you don't want that because you're all gutless racist acetyl anti-American cowards.  There is not one of you who is patriotic.  There is not one of you list who has served in the military with honor and distinction.  Not one of you not one of you has ever won any medals from the military because not one of you has ever done anything brave for this country.  You nothing but a bunch of racist ass holes with guns.

And if any of you stupid ass holes want to go ahead and kill a Jew wanted to start with me?  I dare you.  Bring it on ass holes.

You stupid bastards tried to kill me in Texas.  You tried to kill me in Arizona.  And you tried to kill me in Massachusetts and a few other places.  And you always failed.  Why is that?  It's because you're just so damn stupid.  You don't even know how to do anything right.  You weren't really very good marksman, either.  I'm a sharpshooter, bar IV.  And I'm rated that way with both handgun and rifle both standing and prone.  So in many cases I'm a much better marksman than any of you ass holes are.  But I'm a pacifist.

And you Christian conservatives in this country had better understand that every one of these acetyl groups like the Army of God has its roots in the Christian conservative movement of these United States.  Every single one of them has their roots in the Christian conservative movement of these United States.  And for the Christian conservatives of these United States not to be speaking out against these militia groups means that they support these militia groups.  Every single Christian conservative and every single worshiper of Jesus who does not speak out against these militia groups is in fact supporting these militia groups.  Because you either are speaking out against them, and standing against them, or you are standing with them.

And if you want to kill a Jew, I dare any of you ass holes to bring a gun on my street and try that.  Because you will not be able to do so.  The only way you will ever set my cameras down and prevent them from being able to photograph you trying to commit that kind of crime is if you explode a nuclear device in the neighborhood.  And if you're that desperate to kill Jews.  Go ahead.  You think I'm afraid of you.  Hell no.


Nothing to this world.  You are nothing before God you are nothing to Jesus and every one of the your children, your families, all of you are going to burn in hell for the kind of damage you have done in this world for the insult you have done to God.  You are insult to God you are not followers of God, you are an insult to God.  And you're kind of ugliness will be dealt with by God.  Whether you like it or not, every single thing you have done to anything God has made God will do to every one of you and you will not go to heaven, you will burn in hell.  Every one of you will burn in hell for all eternity.  It will take you will million lifetimes before you even figure out where the hell you are.  When God is through with you.  Then it will take you another hundred thousand lifetimes to be able to figure out how to get out from where you are.  So if you think you're going to have Jesus and God, thanking you for killing Jews.  When Jesus died as a Jew.  Go ahead, try and sell that lie all you want because that's all you are dirty, filthy gutless cowards, liars.  You are racists.  You are ass holes you do not represent the heart of this nation.  You will represent nothing but cowards and the racists of this nation.

And I dare any of you stupid bastards to bring a gun on my street.  Go ahead.  Because I am not afraid of you.  You will never make me cower before you.  No matter what you do, be great.  You are not that big, you are not that brave and you are nothing to this world.  I am a pacifist.  And believe me, if you think you can intimidate me, then you don't know crap.  And I dare any of you militia's holes to bring your guns on my street and try and kill me.  I'm out there walking to and from the store every day.  And yet none of you stupid bastards have the guts to pick up a gun and try to kill me.  Besides, how tell you this.

If you kill me, you will fulfill a prophecy that's older than all of the religions of this planet.  So go ahead, you think you want to go ahead and kill Jews?  Try it with me.  I dare you.  You stupid pieces of garbage.  You infantile asinine backward races pieces of crap because that's all you are you are not even good Christians.  You don't even know how to worship Jesus Christ, much less live as Jesus Christ.

You don't even realize that it was not the Jews who killed Jesus.  Because there was no Jew who would even go near the cross.  They stood there, they did not nail him to the cross.  It was Romans, who nailed him to the cross.  Not Jews.  So it was the followers of Jesus Christ who actually nailed him to the cross.  That's historical record, ladies and gentlemen.  And remember, that as a Sephardic Jew, the Sephardic Jews actually are the Jews who came from the very same tribe as Jesus.  That is also a historical fact.

So you militia groups think you are so tough.  You're not tough.  You're not even brave.  You're not even good marksman.  I'm a better shot than most of you are.  And I know that because I've been tested and I've shown myself to be that when I've needed to be on a shooting range.  But I'm a pacifist.  I don't believe in violence.  I don't believe in guns and I haven't associated with guns, personally ever in my life.  There were times in my life.  I was around guns all the time when I was in school and with my own father.  I have never personally owned the gun because I don't need a gun.  And if you want to go ahead and take me out.  I dare any of you ass holes with these militia groups to come on my street.  Go ahead.  If you think you are so tough, I dare you to drive down my street with weapons and see exactly what happens.  Because you will not do that.  Because you don't have that kind of courage.  You don't want anyone to see you for the ugly ass holes you are.  And you know that if you come on my street my cameras will show you all over the entire world.  You will be seen by everyone in the world before you even get to my house and you don't want that.  Because you don't want to be identified for the racist ass holes you are that's why you hide and you lie with your lives.  You bear false witness before God.

So go ahead.  You want to kill a Jew.  Bring it on, you dumb bastards.  I dare any of you ass all to come on my street with a gun.  Go ahead.  I dare you.  If you think I'm afraid of you.  You don't know me at all.  You want to kill a Jew?  Bring it on, you dumb bastards bring your guns to my street.  I dare you.

You militia groups.  What a bunch of failures before God.  What a bunch of human mistakes.  You really are because that's all you militia groups are you are mistakes in the human condition.  You are an embarrassment to God.  You have tried to kill me all my life, and you have failed.  And because you are such gutless cowards you are so angry and you hates you so much that what you will do is you will use your guns to intimidate and threaten individuals who are younger and who are much more defenseless than you because that's how you feel big and powerful when you can intimidate someone who was weaker than you because you don't have the guts to go up against someone who is as tough as you.  And believe me, you come up against me and you will fail.  No matter where you do it, no matter when you do it.  If you come up against me with a gun, you will fail.  And I won't even have to lift a finger.  Because God will never allow you to do to me what you are trying to do to other Jews.  And that's why you're doing what you are doing.  Because you hate me so much that you figure that you will draw me out.  But you won't.

And make sure you understand that what I hate about you militia groups is not the core energy inside of you that God put inside of you.  When God created you.  I hate the behavior the actions.  I hate the choices you have made in life to demonstrate your selves as ugly, racist, primitive infantile asinine stupid bastards.  Your women are stupid.  Your children are stupid.  Your parents are stupid your entire families are stupid.  You're not good Christians, you're an embarrassment to God you are an embarrassment to Jesus Christ, you are an embarrassment to Jehovah.  You are an embarrassment to Moses.  You are an embarrassment to the Bible.  You are the very thing in the Bible where it says that the firm and the pestilence will be born on earth.  Because that's all you militia groups are you are a pestilence on the face of humankind.  You do nothing for humankind.  You don't do a damn thing for humankind.  The only thing you do is go out and pick up guns and shoot at things, thinking that you are big and tough because you have a gun.  Having a gun does not make you big and tough.  Because if it did.  Then why the hell am I still here?  After all the attempts you ass holes have made over the last 63 years of my life.  Why am I still here?  You have tried to kill me in almost every single state I've lived in because of your hatred for Jews and yet I'm still here.  So what was your problem?  Are you all just really bad shots?  How come I'm still here.  If you are so damn tough?  If you hate Jews so badly, why the hell haven't you been able to kill me?

You stupid ass holes are going to get exactly what you deserve.  And it will not come from any human being.  God will deal with you.  Whether you like it or not, God will deal with you and the founder of the Army of God are the one who's running that organization right now will burn in hell.  And so will his children, so will his wife so will his entire family.  You will all burn in hell.  Not because I'm saying so, but because God says so.

Go ahead, hate Jews.  Because when you hate a Jew you hate Jesus Christ.

BS stupid and asinine as you want to.  I dare you stupid bastards to bring a gun on my street.  Go ahead.  Because before you are even 200 to 300 yards away from my house.  You are picture will be all over the Internet.  Everything you do will be seen by everyone in the world.  So if you really want to become famous.  That's the way to do it.  Bring a gun to my street with the intention of murdering me.  And even if you blow up my house because the cameras are being monitored in two different locations of the United States before you even fire that rocket at my house.  You will be seen all over the world doing so.  Then you won't have any place that you will be able to find that is safe.  You won't be able to run anywhere.  You might take me out or let's say you might put me in a situation where God allows me to go home.  But the reaction of what you will have done will mean that you will have no safe place anywhere in the world.  You will not be able to run anywhere because everyone will see your face, they will see exactly who you are.  They will see the license plate on your vehicle.  They will see you committing that action and everyone will know the matter what you say or do.  Exactly who you are, so to matter where you are working for a living.  They are all going to know you as what you are a murderer and a killer.  They will all know that's exactly who would what you are and you will be killing a Jew when your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ died on the cross for being a Jew.

Go ahead, you Christian conservatives think you are so tough like you are going to run this world and you know nothing.  For every one of you Christian conservatives that does not speak out against these militia ass holes that means that you are in support of these militia ass holes.  And if that's the kind of world you are supporting then you don't even know anything about your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, nor do you know anything about Moses, nor do you know anything about Mohammed.

So he asked those think you are so tough.  Bring it on you stupid bastards go ahead, bring a gun to my Street.  Bring your vehicles gather your armies and walked down my street with your guns out go on stand on the front porch.  I'll make sure you don't miss.  But you'll have to come on my property.  Just come on my property with a gun and knock on my door and I will walk out of my front door and I will allow you to murder me and the cameras will record every single thing that happens.  And then the entire world will see every one of you ass holes for exactly what you are embarrassments to the United States embarrassments to God's failures as human beings and nothing more than racist acyl bastards that the Christian conservatives use in order to intimidate other people.  Because there are millions of Christian conservatives in this country who support these militia groups because they don't have the guts to come out and say how much they hate anyone who is not waiting Christian.  So they used the militia groups to spread their racism for them.

My attitude is, if you want to go ahead and be that kind of ugly acyl before God, that's your choice.  But don't expect me to give you any kind of praise or respect.  Because I will not.  That which is inside of you that God has made is what I have unconditional love for but when you act out as a member of a militia group you are not acting out on God's behalf you are not acting out on mankind's behalf.  You are acting out as a result of their own inner frustrations in your own inner hatred and because you are such backward asinine stupid, uneducated, racist, pieces of human garbage.  That's all you are.  You're not worth anything.  You are the scum of this world.  And as I said, you have no idea what God is going to do to you and your children and your families for the kind of crap you have been pulling.  But you will know.  Not by my hands.  I'm not involved with that.  That's not my purpose in the world.

But if you want to go ahead and kill a Jew.  Start with me if you have the guts.  But none of you do.  Because you don't have the courage to bring your army onto my street.  Because you know of you do not only will you be seen by my cameras, but you'll be seen by other cameras in the neighborhood as well.  There are cameras all over this neighborhood and you don't want that.  You don't want anyone seeing you committing the crime.  You just want to do the crime, and then go back to your little office where you are working and present yourself like you are a good Christian, when in reality, are nothing but a piece of garbage and an agent of Satan, you are not an agent of God.  Because when you kill a Jew, you are attacking your own Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who died for being a Jew.

And as I've told you before, most of you will never know what happened during those five minutes when I died, but I will tell you this if you kill me, you will fulfill a prophecy here on earth that is older than any of your religions.  That is a fact.  So if you want to go ahead and do that, then bring it on.  Bring your gun is to Cleveland, Ohio drive down my street with your guns and your armies and blow up my house or kill me.  I don't care.  Because I am not afraid of you.  I have never been afraid of you.  You have never intimidated me.  You have never made me scared of you.  Because I am not scared of pieces of crap lying on the ground and that's all you militia groups really are your nothing but pieces of garbage pieces of crap lying on the ground.  You are not even good human beings.  You are just nothing but racist acyl bastards.  And the Christian conservative movement of these United States uses your groups to attempt to intimidate others in this country, because then the Christian conservatives lie about how they don't have any association with you when that in fact is a lie because they pay you lots of money every year to spread your terrorism and hatred.  Because the conservative groups, all of the United States pay the army of God, and other militia groups every year.  Lots of money to spread their racism in their violence and if you don't believe me, all you need to do is look at Bob Jones University and its association with the Army of God.

So go ahead, you want to kill it.  You start with me you stupid pricks.  Because that's all you are and if you think I'm afraid of you.  You don't know me at all.  Like I said the only way you'll stop my cameras is if you set off an electromagnetic pulse in the area and the only way you are going to do that is if you explode a nuclear device in the area.  And if you do that you won't take out because my cameras you'll take out almost everything within a 10 or 15 mile radius.  And when that happens, you won't have any friends at all.  You will be able to run far enough.  So go ahead acyl you want to kill a Jew show that you got some real spine and real guts come and kill me.  I dare you.  You don't intimidate me.  You never have.  Because I'm the one Jew, you don't want to go up against.  Because when I stand on that field opposing you.  I'm not standing there alone.  God is standing right by my side.  And if you think you're going to be able to shoot well enough to kill me, then you don't understand God.

US soldier really are nothing but an embarrassment to this country.  You aren't even good Americans.  And you Christian conservatives throughout this country.  Every one of you is guilty for this crime.  Because if you are Christian, conservative, and you do not speak out against these militia groups that means you are either involved with them or that you support them.  And I'm calling on you Christian conservatives to figure out where the hell you stand.  I'm commanding that you do so.  That you either stand against him as Americans in this country or that you stand with them as fascists against the United States.  Because that's what it boils down to.

And for any of you Christians anywhere to sit there and say that you hate Jews, you'd better understand that when you utter those words you are saying you hate Jesus Christ because he died on the cross and he was nailed to that would for being a Jew.

So I don't give a damn what you acyl, the militia groups do.  I don't give a damn what you think I don't give a damn what you feel.  If you are so big and have come to Cleveland.  Bring your guns, bring your armies send me to guide send me to hell I don't care.  Begin you will never do that.  Begin you don't have that kind of courage.  Because none of you ever served in the military.  Not one of you and if you did, you did not serve with distinction.  You did not serve with honor.  You never got any metals from the United States, for your courage.  Because none of you have any courage.  You nothing but racist, gutless cowards.  And you're not even good Christians.  Because of you were a good Christian you would emulate the life of Jesus Christ instead of always trying to insult the life of Jesus Christ.

This country is really turning into be nothing more than a bunch of maggots climbing around on a piece of garbage.  That's what Americans are turning into.  A bunch of maggots climbing around on a piece of garbage.  With different groups flying and scratching at each other trying to prove that they are better than the other one.  Everyone screaming and yelling how they have all the answers when there are no answers.  And it answers.  Humanity may have for what is going on in the world are extremely transient.  Because the answers.  Humanity has, whether they are explaining what is going on in the universe scientifically or whether they explain what is going on, religiously or any other way.  All of your answers mean nothing.  Because in the space of 1000 years.  Most of all that you claim are answers right now will not even be correct, it won't even be valid within 1000 years.  Because there is going to be so much change.  It takes place on earth in 1000 years that all of your dumb, science, all of your stupid answers won't mean a damn thing.

But you all think you know so much.  And you want to go and kill Jews.  I dare any of you ass holes at Bob Jones University or any of you other damn acyl Critchett, conservative dirty bastards to pick up a gun and come to my home.  If you want to kill it.  You wanted to start with me.  Go ahead, you want to meet someone on the field of battle, you haven't met me.  Because I'm someone you will not intimidate.  I am someone you will not pushover.  Because I stand with God.  And God will never allow you to commit that kind of crime against God because that's what you will be doing if you strike it me.  Because God is the one who brought me back to life, not any of you ass hole people in this world.  You idiots were the ones watching what happened.  It was God who brought me back to life and yet most of you in this world, it had nothing but disrespect and hatred for me because I was brought back to life by God.

All my life.  Most of you have done is to do it.  Ignoring to denied that anything happened to me actually took place.  You did everything you could to hide what happened.  You even destroyed my birth mother's medical records.  And then you destroyed my birth record because you didn't want anyone to know what happened.  You did everything you could to discredit me.  And yet you have failed.  You have tried to kill me in every single state I've lived in throughout my entire life, and you have never succeeded.  Why is that?

You Christian conservatives a better figure out where the hell you stand.  I mean, you had better figure out right now where you stand.  Because if you do not speak out against these militia groups you are supporting these militia groups.  And if you are supporting these militia groups you are not American citizens.  You are fascists who are using the Constitution.  This writer hatred in your racism and that's all you are and you are liars before God and God will do to you what you have done to others, whether you like it or not.

The don't you ever think, afraid of you and your stupid guns.  I'm afraid of no man.  I'm afraid of no woman.  I am afraid of nothing that humans are.  I am afraid of nothing in this world, including if it is a vicious animal about to kill me.  I am not afraid of it because I know God and I know that when God wants me God will take me.  And that I also know if you point a gun directly at me.  And if God does not want you to kill me.  Your bullet will never reach me.

Because it's been done before.  And those who have seen it happen know that it is true.  And as I said, I am not special.  I never was.  I was never meant to be so.  I was allowed and I was brought back to life on the basis of being an example.  And that's all just an example of the least of all that God has created.  So that God could make that statement to all of you.  That which you do to the least of all that God has made God will do to you.  That was the basis for why I was given back my life.  In 1968.

Sylvia militia groups want to go ahead and insult God more than you already have come at me.  Bring your guns.  Because I'm ready.  I'm ready for you when I walk on the street.  I'm ready for you wherever I go.  Because I live every second of my life being prepared to be murdered and killed at any given second.  Because I am a Jew in a nation of 78% Christians.  And if you don't understand what that means, then you don't know what it means to be a minority.

USO conservatives had better figure out where the hell you stand in all of this.  And I'm not talking about my friends who are Christian conservatives.  I'm talking about the rest of you, you had better figure out where you stand in all of this because if you do not speak out against it.  You are in support of it.  And everyone in the United States who has any kind of brains already knows about the Association going on between Bob Jones University and the Army of God.  That's public knowledge.

So go ahead, you think you really can get something over on me.  Go ahead and try.  Bring your guns.  People are watching.  Just like I am.  We are watching every second.  And we are ready.  So that when you even come onto my street before you even make one single movement, every single person in the world will be able to see you.  They will know the license plate on your car or your vehicle.  They will know what your face looks like they will see you with your weapons and they will see you coming to my home to murder me.  And then you will not be able to hide from that no matter where you go, you won't be able to lie anymore.  And that's what it takes to stop you, no problem.  Bring your guns.  And bring it on.

You and your guns.  There's an oxymoron waiting to happen.  Guns in the Bible.  By the very fact that you pick up a weapon, you completely insult everything about Jesus Christ, you insult God, you insult yourselves and you denigrate your families to burning in hell.

One of the reasons we have human rights problems in the United States is because of these militia groups.  They are backward primitive ass holes who don't have very much knowledge at all, they are not smart people.  They are stupid.  They are racist.  They are bigoted they are prejudiced.  They are pieces of garbage they are not good Christians, they are not even good human beings, because anything that is good or that was good inside of them that God put inside of them when they were created.  They have done everything in their power to hide or to destroy.  And you all do that with all the guns you fire at each other all the hatred all the ego.  You don't even understand Jesus Christ.  Because if you did you would not be living in opposition to what Jesus lived as what the people he protected.  If you really understood Jesus Christ, you would be living as Jesus Christ you would be following in his footsteps.  But you don't.  When you pick up a gun, you insult God you insult Jesus Christ, you insult humanity and you denigrate yourselves to burning in hell.

And if that's the best you can do.  Go ahead, fire a missile at my house below it up.  Knock on my door with your gun in CFI cower before you because I will not.  And remember this when you kill me, you will be murdering me while I am standing in defense of the Constitution of these United States and liberty and freedom for all Americans, not just you, white racist Christian conservative extremists.  I will be standing in defense of the Constitution of these United States.  I will be scanning in defense of Mohammed.  I will be sending a defense of Jesus Christ.  I will be standing in defense of Moses, I will be standing in defense of Buddha.  I will be standing in defense of God you will be the one who will be looked upon as the cold blooded psychotic asinine stupid bastard murderer and that's all you will be looked upon.  Because you will be no hero for killing me.  As I said, if and when you kill me if you think that's possible.  If you do so you will be fulfilling a prophecy that is older than all of the religions on earth.  Whether you know it or not.

So go ahead.  Take me out.  You hate Jews.  Common kill me.  Have some guts.  Don't be a bunch of lying, stupid bastard cowards like you are right wing racist ass hole cowards.  It's time that we as a nation decide where we stand against these monstrous groups.  Because they are monsters.  They do not worship God.  They do not follow God they do not serve God.  Because that they did they would never hold a gun.

Or are you in the Christian religion, forgetting what God has said?  Vengeance is mine says the Lord?  Did you notice that it was God who said those words, not human beings.  Because it is God's job, not yours.  It is God's job to in fact deliver that kind of vengeance not human beings.  But you humans think you have so much ego that you know more than everyone else.  And all you are doing is going around and killing Jews.  When your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was nailed to the cross and died on the cross for being one.  So where are your brains when you are committing that kind of insult before God?  You will burn in hell for all of this.  Every one of you that supports these militia groups and the killing of Jews, you will burn in hell.  Just like everyone who attacks the Muslims will do the same.  You will burn in hell because the Muslims and the Jews are actually from the same family.  That's the reality.  Ladies and gentlemen, so there's no excuse for the Muslims in the Jews to hate each other.  That's the reality.  They are from the same family and all you have done with the war in the killing.  You have done through the years is to humiliate yourselves before Allah and before God because Mohammed was a pacifist and so was Moses.

So go ahead and justify your hatred.  Don't expect me to join in that dance because I never will.  And if you hate Jews.  I dare any of you ass holes Bring it on.  You want to kill a Jew start with me.

May God have mercy on the soul of humanity for how ugly humanity has become before God.

As I said I said, my hopes and my prayers to those who were attacked and their families.  You are in my prayers and you are in my heart.  And I am praying this day for the soul of humanity.  I am praying for all of you who are Christian conservatives all of you are Catholic, all of you who are Muslims, all of you who are Jews, all of you of every single belief in this world I am praying for the soul of humanity.  This day.  Because somebody needs to.  Most of you are praying for yourselves.  I am praying for all of you.  It's what I agreed and promised God I would do.  So while you are all praying for yourselves and asking God to give you this or give you that.  I am praying for something else.  I am praying for your immortal souls.

And may God have mercy on the soul of humanity Frau ugly.  You have made yourselves before God, and how ugly you have made yourselves before your own kind.  Because you have humiliated yourselves, and you have insulted God and God will in fact have his say or her say.  God will have the final word, and then all of you would your guns will not be in the world anymore because God will do with you what you have tried to do too God and to others of their own kind.  Because that which you do to the least of all that God has made God will do to you.

I shall pray for your souls.  I shall pray that God gives you some degree of mercy.  I will pray to God that he does not, in fact, denigrate your souls are relegate your souls to burning in hell.  That God will spare you and that God will in fact give you some degree of light, so that you will see how ugly you have made yourselves before God because that is what you have done.  You have soiled yourselves before God.  You have made your souls unclean with your racism in your hatred you have made your souls completely impure and dirty before God with your ugliness and your selfishness and your greed and your ego.  And yet you blame everyone else for your own inadequacies.  You understand nothing about God.  When you do so.

Because of this tragedy.  I will not be doing any work today.  I will be praying.  I will spend the day in prayer.  Because that is what you all need.  All the things that humanity needs more of right now than anything else.  It is for those of us who know God.  Is for us to petition God with prayer.

May God have mercy on all of you for being part of this ugly thing.  You have turned humanity into.  May God have mercy.