Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

A Bend in the River

7:41 PM, EDT:

To begin with.  I think it's very important people understand that what I'm saying about my sister Mary and what happened to my mother is not only true but it is documented legally.  Because it took to attorneys to induce my sister to finally be honest enough to explain, legally, why she lied to me and to the people and the Maschke family at my father's funeral.  And I have copies of those legal documents in my possession.

So of my sister Mary attempts to lie to anyone saying that what I am claiming did not happen.  That's up to her.  But the fact is I have the legal documents to prove everything I have said.  Which means if she says that it did not happen she is lying.  Not only do I have statements from her attorneys at the time.  But I have statements from my attorney who was handling the financial aspects of my mothers and fathers will.

So for anyone who wants to take my sisters side in all this.  Please understand that you are taking the side of a liar.  And if that's where you want to stand before God.  That's up to you.

As I said, I do not hate my sister and I never have.  I don't hate anyone.  I don't hate anyone in the Maschke family.  But my sister is done everything she possibly could to destroy my reputation and to lie about me and has done so for a number of years.  And like I said, if she wants to lie about what happened at the funeral.  That's up to her.  But I have the legal documents proving that everything I have said is 100% true.  So she really wants to go ahead and get into a kind of tug-of-war over this.  I don't have a problem with that.  She can bring her proof and how bring mine.  And when I'm done talking, it will be clear who the liar is.  And it won't be me.

Editor's Note:

It's important to understand that what I am saying here has 'nothing' to do with my love for my sister Mary. I love her now, as I always have. What this is about is my standing my ground. Meaning, that it's one thing when someone in one's family acts out in a mean fashion to one of the other family members. It's quite a different thing, when one of the family members 'lies' with the intention of discrediting, or denigrating one of the other family members. I love my mother (my adoptive mother). I love my (adoptive father), and always have and always will. But if I let any of them, 'lie' about me, for whatever reason. Then my life simply becomes much harder, and more complicated.

My mother and my sister Mary, are the ones who chose to draw the line in the sand. Not I. And while my love for the Maschke family, including Mary, will never decrease or go away. I can't forgive her for the lying she and my mother did. Not only on the account that the lie they told kept me from being able to see my father before he died. But the lying has caused irreparable damage to my life, in a number of ways.

Fair is fair. If my sister had even said just once that she was sorry. Which she did not. Perhaps things now, would be different. But, as I said, she has never said she was sorry. And consequently my life has become far more challenging and difficult as a result. I have never wanted anything 'from' the Maschke family other than to have the same feeling of pride and inclusion that any son would want from their family. And, for most of my life, be able to feel that pride has always either been complicated, and/or difficult, if not impossible.

In my daily prayers I always pray for my mother and father, my sister, and all the Maschkes, as my family. For whether or not I die from this earth, measuring up to their expectations. That does not means that I have not tried to do so. I have always tried to be a good person. Straight and true. I am not perfect. But I have always at the very least, tried my best. I pray to God that one day, the Maschke family will finally feel that I am good enough. As of yet, that also, has not happened.

And now, with my beloved Aileen on the other side of the veil. My promises and goals in life, are centered on my dedication to her, and to what we lived as, and what we did with out lives. So, as I have always said. My promises to my darling Aileen and to God come first. They have to. I am certain that those who understand will need no further clarification on this matter. Those who do not. Nothing I might ever say, will suffice.

I'm not responsible for the decisions that other people make in their lives about how they choose to present themselves or what they wish to say to others.  I can only be responsible for my own life.  And I take full responsibility for my life.  I always have.

And I think that's just about all that needs to be said on this matter.  However, I will be including this Journal entry and the changing of the guard, the previous Journal entry, on my page entitled, my inner self.  Simply because I believe these pages are germane and pertinent to the concept of my inner self.

As I said earlier I was going to begin to get back to doing petitions.  Which I have begun to do today.  And I will continue doing that on a daily basis, spending 60 minutes per day on email.  I'm not going to spend any more time than that.  Because there are a number of things that I'm really trying to accomplish.  And my priorities are clear.  The first promise I made to my darling, Aileen was to protect and maintain our home.  And that I am doing.  My darling Aileen died protecting and defending this house.  Our home.  And in all likelihood I will do the same.

Currently, I am engaged in completing one of the projects that I have had to work on these last four years and it is slowly beginning to be completed.  I also have other things that need to be done on the house, which I will be doing all during the summer.  It's not only my responsibility as a good neighbor and as a homeowner.  It's my responsibility to my darling, Aileen.  And of course to God as well.

Tomorrow is going to be somewhat of a busy day because I have outside work that needs to be done so again, I will be spending 60 minutes on doing my email and that's all I will spend.  As I work through the grief I am feeling for losing my wife.  I am slowly making my way through that kind of darkness that so many millions and millions of others, are dealing with every single day.  And I will never do any dishonor to anyone who is suffering the loss of someone they love by comparing what I'm going through to them.  Because it would not only be unfair and truly an insult.  But I don't believe under any circumstances that anything I have ever experienced in any way that could be considered negative can in any way compare with anything that millions and millions of amazing children and brilliant men and women are dealing with every single day.  There's just no way I can compare myself to that.  There is no way.  I will compare myself to any of what they are dealing with.  And I will as I've already said do my best every day at being simply, me

As I said I'm moving into that chapter of my life where I am as everyone in life is, on a spiritual journey.  My spiritual journey is simply taking me into what I might consider to be new territory.  And that's what I'm doing.  I will be putting up my yearly Journal entry.  When the first rose blooms, on Aileen's rose bush.  I expect that to happen sometime during May.  The rose bushes already getting to show signs of the awakening that happens during spring.  So that Journal entry is definitely coming.

Personal health:

My decision to go off of white sugar has been probably one of the best decisions I have made in perhaps the last 15 years.  Maybe more.  For example, I read an article today in the news.  Where was talking about the dangers of overuse of antibiotics.  And that is why really believe the hand of God is involved in my life.  Because since my operation in 1968.  I haven't taken hardly any or very many antibiotics at all.  And because no pain medication really works on me.  I don't take any form of medication except aspirin.  So that is yet another peculiarity of my physiology, whereby what many people in the world are actually dealing with because of overuse of antibiotics, does not apply to me.  And I can only hope that the world population will take notice of that article.  And what the medical community is beginning to understand regarding the overuse of antibiotics.  Because the article is very clear in the dangers that continued overuse of antibiotics closes to human health.

Is not much else to report.  I don't really feel that my voice, so my perspective is that important to the world, regarding human rights or politics.  I don't believe very many people are paying attention to what I write.  I don't really know why people read my Journal.  Because nobody comments communicates I can only hope that most of the people who are reading my journal are supported.  But I really don't have any idea of whether they are or not.  Just like I don't have any idea whether I am acceptable to the Maschke family.  All I know is that my grandmother always felt I was a member of the family and always treated me so just like my hand.  Helen did.  And of course when I die, it's not going to matter.  Because at that point, the only thing that will matter is the disposition of my soul before God.  And I don't have any problem going to God.  I don't have any problem going before God.  I've tried my best in this life to be a good person.  People will judge me.  However, they want.  Because that's what people do.  For my part, all I know is that God knows my heart and God knows my soul.  And I am comfortable with that.  I don't have any problem going to God.  It doesn't matter.  In all probability I have been a failure in the eyes of the Maschke family and for any of those failures are disappointments I can say with absolute certainty that I will be eternally sorry.  But I can only do the best I can.  I can't do any more than that.  So if I am acceptable to the Maschke family.  That is a good thing if I'm not then I will only hope that I am acceptable, at least to God.  And I will believe in my heart and in my mind that when I die see my father.  Meaning my adopted father and my adoptive mother just as I'm hoping I will see my darling, Aileen and I birth mother.  That's what these years of my life are for.  Nobody knows how long they are going to live unless they have some kind of terminal illness where they have been told, basically how long they have to live.

And so it will be. I shall live my life in accordance with promises to God, and my darling Aileen. And I will continue to support and write in this journal as one of the two "main" promises I made to my darling Aileen. With the first promise of course having been that I would maintain and protect our home.

I will have to continue this discussion, at a more convenient time. I have some things here at home that need my attention. I send all those who are reading this journal entry, good energy and high hopes for happiness, good health and all good things always..... 

As I said, I have a busy day tomorrow. But I will write later....

Thanks for listening....

Monday, April 21, 2014

Changing of the Guard

9:48 PM, EDT:

I want to think all of you who are reading my Journal.  Because I do believe in the power of prayer.  The news I have learned about my friend Lois, for now, is good news.  The assessment has been made.  Her foot.  It seems is broken, from the last fall she had.  So she's being transferred to a facility where she can spend a few days getting some physical therapy and they are putting a cast on her foot.  For now, no cutting is going to be done.  I believe in the power of prayer.

So again I want to thank all of you who joined me and saying a prayer.  Because I believe it definitely was helpful.


As I said before and I really think this is important.  Mention again.  Because of the hysterical amnesia that I have suffered as a result of my nervous breakdown in 1989 is extremely important to remember that a number of my memories from, or regarding, the Maschke family and my early life.  And especially those memories that fall within the years of 1968 through and including 1973.  That the memories prior to 1968 have in fact become somewhat scrambled or perhaps misaligned where all I can do is my best.  I remember some things, and others as I said previously in my Journal entry are simply my best guess.

With regard to my sister and my father's death.  Those memories of course do not fall within the timeframe of my hysterical amnesia.  So I am absolutely clear about those memories in addition, those events were actually witnessed by my darling Aileen.

My biographical profile is true.  The stories of my father in my biographical will are stories that my father himself told me as I was growing up.  Stories of my relationship with my mother are in fact true.  And everything in my biographical profile, to the best of my knowledge, is in fact true.  For where there was any confusion I have done everything in my power to verify those points of confusion so that there is no confusion.

Petitions and politics:

I have decided that I will no longer write anything in my Journal, politically from now on.  I will no longer do any kind of political news stories.  It's not in my best interests to do so.  Furthermore, it does not actually bring out the best of what I can be and what I am inside of myself.  So I will do no more news stories regarding politics.  As for doing news stories regarding human rights.  I again don't think that's a good idea.  It's taking my focus away from the real main second reason for second principle of this Journal.

The second principle of this Journal is to be the continuation of the human rights efforts my darling, Aileen and I did shoulder to shoulder for 18 years.  So I do not believe I will be doing anymore news stories regarding human rights.  I will in fact write articles regarding human rights based on what I see in the news.

As far as petitions.  I am now no longer going to spend any more than 60 minutes per day doing email.  That's all I'm going to spend.  I have way too much to do as far as working on this house and working on my life, to spend more than 60 minutes per day doing computer work.  I just don't have the time.  My life has to be at this time of my life much more concerned with the positioning of my soul.  The positioning of my soul with my darling, Aileen.  The positioning of my soul within myself.  The positioning of my soul with God.

I will begin tomorrow spending 60 minutes per day on email and petitions.  If I am behind on the petitions that are pending.  This is regrettable, but as I said, there is just so much else that has to be done not only in this house.  But in my life regarding my relationship to my darling, Aileen.  And of course to this house.  There is a lot of work that has to be done.  And if I spend any more than 60 minutes on email per day.  The other work that is absolutely imperative will not get done.  And that can't happen.

As I said, the position I'm in right now is definitely one where I have to position myself.  Or reposition my soul before God.  This is imperative.  I cannot be whatever the Maschke family or anyone else might want me to be.  I have to be myself.  I have to be true to myself.  And I have to do so.  Whereby I can be as honest as I possibly can with myself before God.  To deny my belief in God.  To deny my belief and what I feel about what is on the other side of the veil would be not only unfair but completely and totally inconsistent with everything I have been all of my life.  So that also will not happen.  I will not turn away from what I have been in my life.  Or what I have tried to stand for and to believe in.


As I said, I have a tremendous amount of work to do on myself, spiritually speaking.  It's not work that I can achieve by adhering to one religious belief or another.  Because I am not one single religious belief or another.  I never was.  In the Maschke household.  Even though my father was Jewish.  We were never really allowed to celebrate anything Jewish in the household as I was growing up.  That is a fact.  Everything was Catholic.  At least in the household.  That was not an ironclad rule, but it was very much a solid rule.  And even though that was the case.  I attended Temple, meaning Jewish Temple, every Saturday.  But I also spent a number of Sundays going to Catholic mass either with my aunt Helen, or when I was away at school.

But my spiritual identity became much more broadly defined after the operation.  Watching the sacred nine died during that year, completely changed everything about me.  I was different when I came back to school in 1969.  And while I have a certain amount of memory loss or hysterical amnesia regarding 1968 through and including 1973.  Every single fiber in my being knows that I actually did die and the memories I have of those five minutes are true.  Nothing that anyone can say it was either present at that time, or who knew me at that time will ever change what I know.  Within my own mind.  It cannot.

Consequently, I'm not sure what kind of writing I will do regarding my relationship to the Maschke family or regarding what happened in 1968.  I just don't know.  I only know that what makes the most sense to me now is to focus my attention on different forms of meditation and contemplation.  Whereby, as a result, like and gain spiritual focus necessary that I must in fact have in these years, however many they may be, before I may in fact no longer be around.  Or, before I die.

Again, no one in the Maschke family really was ever very aware of different forms of meditation that I was learning or that I was engaged in.  My sister certainly was not.  She and I only had certain times of contact.  Once I left for school in 1966.  So there is no one in the Maschke family who really will understand the type of different forms meditation.  I have learned or how are you different forms of meditation and contemplation to deal with different aspects of my life and to achieve direction and clarity in my life.  All any of the Maschke family might know was what I have shared.  And I have been very careful about what I have shared, at least with the Maschke family.  Because as I said.  Growing up in Cleveland.  And whenever I have lived in Cleveland.  I have always lived under the shadow of the Maschke family.  Always feeling like I was under pressure to achieve certain things because I was in fact a Maschke.

It was only when I did not live in Cleveland when I did not feel the presence of the Maschke family either around me or pressing on me that I was able to achieve any real or substantial self-identity.

Separation between my mother and myself was on the basis of something that as I said before, stemmed from one single phone conversation I had with her prior to November 1993.  Where my father needed to walk every day.  That was the medical assessment that was given to my father.  I was at that very moment attempting to start a company of my own.  So of course there was a lot of work.  I had to do every day.  That's just what goes into trying to start your own company.  My mother was behaving, in my estimation, somewhat inappropriately.  Because she was complaining that father needed to have someone walk with him.  And she was concluding that her association with what is known in Cleveland has, Jewish Council, was far more important than her role as my father's wife, to walk with him.  So she was very demanding of me that I give up my time to spend a number of hours every day walking with my father.

And as I tried to explain to her in that conversation.  If I did that, then I would not have the opportunity or the time that was necessary for me to continue trying to start this company I was engaged in trying to initiate.  My mother got extremely angry as a result of that, and basically said on the phone that if I do not walk with my father, then she would say to me, or she did say to me that she would no longer considered me part of the family.  But she did not want to see me anymore.  And I tried to explain to her that she was father's wife.  And I was trying to ask her why she did not want to walk with father.  She again got extremely angry and told me she never wanted to see me again.  She changed her mind.  Of course, just before Thanksgiving of 1993.

And it was I believe during the third week of November, prior to November 20, 1993, when I was supposed to go and have dinner with the family that my mother exploded in a rather substantial rage.  At which point, two things happened.  Well, actually a number of things happened.  She threw me from the house at the back door.  First, shaking a rather sharp gardening tool right in my face, threatening to kill me if I ever came on the property ever again.  And at that point she actually threw a butcher knife in my direction where I was standing in the garage of the house and the knife stuck in the wall.  So as I was leaving the garage.  She was standing there holding this rather sharp gardening tool right in my direction and the last where she said to me were that the only thing my birth mother did wrong when she died was that she did not take me with her.  And she called me a failed abortion.

I have never hated my mother for that event, under any circumstances.  And when I finally learned of my father's death and subsequently, how my mother ended up having a rather massive stroke.  I spent over a year going to see her every week until another member of the Maschke family told me.  Basically, I was not wanted where I was visiting my mother and told me to leave.  So I did.  But the staff where my mother was being taken care of were aware of how much I loved my mother, even though she didn't even know who I was as a result of the stroke.  And so a previous agreement had been made, whereby, when my mother died.  The staff telephoned me at my home.  Let me know that she was gone.  And as my darling, Aileen was of course part of my life at that time, we not only lit a candle for my mother.  We spent the entire next 24 hours praying for her.

I do not hate anyone in the Maschke family.  And as I've said, I do not hate my sister or my mother for conspiring to keep me from seeing my father before he died.  I don't hate them for that.  But I cannot forgive them for that.  He was begging to see me, and they lied to him.  And they lied to me.  And they lied to the Maschke family at the funeral telling everyone I did not want to be at the funeral because that was not true.  There are more than enough witnesses who could come forward to substantiate how deeply my grief ran inside of me as a result of my father dying and then subsequently my mother dying.

I do not hate anyone.  I never have been I never will.  It's just not the way I am.

So the Maschke family now hates me or thinks of me any kind of negative way.  I am sorry for that.  But I cannot be anything more than what I am.  Whenever I tried I never did very well I trying to do that.  I am so grateful for everything that I experienced and the extreme kindness and compassion and generosity that the Maschke's showed me all my life.  I will be so for the rest of my life.  And when I go before God.  And if that's not enough for the Maschke family, then I am sorry.

Was I being selfish when my mother asked me to walk with my father when she would not even do so herself?  I've asked myself that question so many times over the years it would be ridiculous to try to apply a number to it.  But from all the people I have talked to over the years about that singular event the consensus has always been that I was not being selfish because everyone knew how much I loved my father.  That I was in a rather difficult position.  I was trying to move forward with my life.  I was attempting to start a company on my own and yet I was being pressed to spend a number of hours every single day walking with my father when his own wife would not even do so.  And no matter how I tried to negotiate it was never good enough.  My mother even made the statement that I owed her and the family, my time.  I can't even begin to tell you how that remark made me feel.

So if I have become a failure in the eyes of the Maschke family.  I am sorry.  I have been a failure in so many different people's estimations and eyes that trying to live up to any of those expectations has become impossible.  Because I never could.  I wasn't special.  I was just different.  And I'm not a selfish person.  My life ever since I was 12 years old was defined more in terms of doing what was necessary, rather than doing what I wanted.  Because ever since the attack on me in Cleveland Heights that took place when I was 12.  I have lived with physical conditions in my body that have made me always have to be more aware of and to do first what was necessary, rather than to do what I might want to do.  My left leg has in fact been partially crippled from that attack.  It has been so all my life.  But memories of how my mother and father complained about how they did not want to fix my left leg.  Because my father simply said I wasn't worth it were actually true.  Just like during the entire summer after my operation in 1968 when I got out in 1969.  During that entire summer.  My mother and father complained continually how much the operation had cost them.  And a number of times during that summer.  They referred to me as damaged goods, and a bad investment.

People who have known me all my life know that I am not a selfish person.  I'm just not.  And no matter how many people in this world might see me.  Otherwise, there are a large number of people that are greater in number that will be more than happy to come forward to substantiate that I have never been selfish, nor in my selfish now.

The upshot is that in 1993, the company I was attempting to start basically failed.  And I was left feeling that here was yet another example of how I just didn't measure up.  The matter what I did.  I just didn't measure up.  Because I had just had this rather substantial nervous breakdown in 1989.  To say the least.  Personally I was in a place of extreme torture.  As I said I was having approximately 40 nightmares every night, which were so violent in nature that I was waking up completely bathed in perspiration and very disoriented.  And when my darling, Aileen and I first met.  For that entire first year.  She would wrap herself around my body.  Because I would have spasm oriented movements in my sleep was sometimes I was actually throwing myself against the wall next to my bed and Aileen was afraid I might hurt myself, so she would wrap her body around mine to protect me.

It took Aileen and I would to help of Dr. Gottesman is five years to finally get control of those nightmares.  And those were very tough years.

Just like now.  There are neighbors were I live hate me so much they will say anything they can against me.  I don't really have the time nor the inclination to pay much attention to that kind of hatred.  I just don't have the time.  Because there are other neighbors who absolutely no in their heart that there is nothing I would not do for my neighbors in this neighborhood.  And that I am more than happy to try to do anything I possibly can.  And that's exactly what I'm doing.  So, to those neighbors in my neighborhood who hate me.  I am sorry.  If you hate me, I'm sorry for your hatred.  But please don't look for me to reciprocate that feeling because I will not.  Because I do not hate anyone.  And if you have hatred for me.  I will not hate you in return.  The matter what you do.  Because I do not hate anyone.  I never have.  And I never will.  The one someone is dedicated to hatred.  They feel a tremendous amount of injustice if the hatred they are sending out is not returned.  So they end up hating even more.  And that's okay.  That's up to them.  My position is clear.  The human being does not exist in this world who can make me hate them.  There is no one who is tough enough to do that.  There was no one who is big enough to do that.  There was no one who is strong enough to make me hate them.  Because I will die before I ever allow hatred to be part of my life where my heart.  And of those you have hatred for me want to test that out there are more than enough opportunities when I am out publicly for them to do so.  And if they want to demonstrate their hatred for me.  I have no problem with that.  If they want to kill me with their hatred.  That's fine as well.  They can send me to God, or they can send me to hell.  And I don't care.  Because God knows my heart and God knows my soul and God does not respond to me with the hatred that these people who might have hatred for me will.  God has always responded to me with the same kind of love that God has for all life, since God created all life.

Thankfully the number of people who hate me in my neighborhood is an incredibly small number.  Because most of the people in my neighborhood actually know that I am a good person.  That I ask for nothing.  I want nothing from anyone.  That at best, I'm simply clumsy around people.  Because I'm a writer.  I am cerebral.  I'm conceptual.  I am not the best at what I do.  I'm not the best at anything.  I'm just me.  I don't compete with anyone.  I don't want to.  The only person I want to compete with and that I feel is appropriate for me to compete with is myself.  And that has always been true and there are people in my neighborhood who hate me as a result of that because they want to make themselves out like they are better than me in every way.  And when I don't compete they become even more angry.  Because I will not compete because I don't do that.  The only one I compete with his myself and I have never made myself out to be better than anyone else because I am not.  Nothing.  I have with regard to any of the physical issues I deal with is significant in any way other than it is significant to me.  It's not significant to this world.  Because what I live with is problematic.  Not for this world.  But problematic only for me.  And nothing I have ever suffered or experienced in my life can come anywhere close to what millions and millions of amazing men, women and children, are dealing with every single day.  I have always said that because it is true.

And I do not go out more often than I do.  Partially because I do have a form of agoraphobia.  Which means I a.m., somewhat uncomfortable at the very least, around people.  And because I talk a lot.  I'm always embarrassed because I talk a lot.  And most of the people I have met in my life have never really understood why in their estimation I talk a lot.  Or them.  So talkative.  Of course there have been others who understand that I'm a writer.  And writers talk a lot.  Because writers are the storytellers.  That's what we are.  And while you manage the is made up of storytellers there are those of us who as storytellers are actually the guiding force of storytelling in the human condition.  Oftentimes we are not the ones who get published or not the ones who make lots of money.  We are just very conscientious of and dedicated to being a storyteller.  Carrying on the verbal tradition in one way or another.

The reason I have not published is because the manuscript I wrote has to do with my very dear friend Richard, who died of emphysema.  That's part of it.  And I'm just not really sure if I want to share the emotional aspect of what I have written in that manuscript.  Another reason I did not want to publish that manuscript is because the manuscript in itself actually philosophically challenges the concept of death.  Because that is how Richard died.  And when the manuscript was written.  I did not feel it was appropriate to present that kind of a choice in a manuscript.  I didn't feel humanity would want to he presented with that kind of choice.  That's my own personal decision.  Another reason I did not want to publish is because I didn't want to take money from my writing.  Because the writing.  I really wanted to do was the writing work talked about those who were suffering in our world who many times would not ever have anyone even hear them, let alone know about their lives of the suffering they were going through.  So I moved away from the concept of publishing.  And more in the direction of attempting to be a voice.  Not by any means the police or even a significant voice.  Simply a voice, however small or insignificant.  Dedicated to being a voice for those who suffer and who might not ever feel that people are actually paying attention.  Over the years there have been more than enough people coming forward to do that very same thing, whereby as a result, what I do now in that vein seems really so trivial next to all the other efforts that are being made along those lines.  But that doesn't change my dedication.  It only changes my effectiveness.  Not my dedication.

So I don't know if that manuscript will ever be published.  I know it probably won't while I'm alive.  Because the last thing in the world.  I ever want or even want to be is a published author.  That doesn't even seem to be consistent with anything about me.  Even though my darling, Aileen really did want me to publish.  I just never felt it was appropriate.  I didn't feel it was consistent with everything that I am so I never have.  And maybe that makes me stupid.  And if it does, that's fine.  I don't mind being stupid in the eyes of God.  Because God doesn't hate someone because they may in fact be stupid or act in a stupid way.  Because there's a difference in being stupid and being evil.  I am not evil.  I have possibly and for sure made many decisions in my life that would be considered stupid.  But I have never been evil.  Because I'm not.

So I will continue writing this Journal.  I will continue writing about human rights in one way or another.  I will continue, when appropriate, writing to my darling, Aileen and even going through the process, when in fact it does in fact happen, whereby my writing may actually take on the quality of automatic writing.  Where my darling, Aileen is writing through me.  And then most certainly is possible.  Because it has happened already in this Journal.  And I will continue to bear my soul before God.  Because that is the third principle of this.  But again.  Most of my time for the foreseeable future has to be spent on my first promise to my darling, Aileen.  Which is to protect and maintain our home.  It has to be.  Not only because it was the first promise I made to her and that we agreed upon.  But as a homeowner in this neighborhood it is my responsibility to do the very best I can at maintaining my property, not only for myself and my promise to my darling, Aileen.  But for my neighbors.  And for the city of Cleveland.  There are many homeowners throughout this country who probably don't do a really good job of maintaining their property.  Or maybe they are trying to do a good job.  Or maybe they aren't even trying at all.  But I can't be one of those people.  I don't want to be one of those homeowners.  Because I take owning this home very seriously.  And again.  That's my personal choice.  It's not made on the basis of anything else other than simply because I promised my darling, Aileen and I would do so.  And because I feel disposed within myself as a homeowner due to the very best job I can at maintaining this house, not only from my neighbors but for the wonderful people of Cleveland, Ohio.  So that is what I intend on doing.  And I may not do a really good job of maintaining this house.  Or maybe I actually do a good job.  But I know I can't maintain this house as well as other families are maintaining there's.  Because I'm doing this on a single payroll.  And I'm doing it at a time in my life when I have a certain amount of disability oriented issues.  So I will continue doing my best.  And that's all I can do.  And I will hope that my best will be looked upon as being good enough for my neighbors and good enough for Cleveland.  I already know my effort is good enough for God.  It's people who have always taken exception to me.  God never has.

So love me or hate me, that's your choice.  Five minutes after I'm dead, it won't even matter.  It won't matter whether you loved me are hated me.  Five minutes after I die.  Because within minutes after I die people probably won't even remember I was in the world.  And probably most people won't even care.  And that's okay.  Also.  I don't mind that.  In my heart in mind when I die I will be going home.  I will be going back to my birth mother.  I will be going back into the arms of my darling, Aileen.  I will see my father.  I will see those who hire lost and I will be part of the energy of life no longer part of the physical expression of that energy.  So love me or hate me as you wish.  I will not hate you.  I will not hate anything God has made.  No matter what anyone might say or do.  I will not do that.

I'm not going to denied that I still cry from my darling, Aileen.  That makes me weak in some people's eyes.  No problem.  It makes me stupider makes them want to hate me.  That's okay.  I don't mind being hated.  I've been hated all my life by one group or another and very used to being hated.  It's what I expect.  I have met so many wonderful and amazing people and groups of people in my life with so much compassion and kindness.  While at the same time I experienced had met an encounter groups and individuals who had so much hatred for me that some cases it was rather remarkable that I even survived.  But that's just how life is.  You can't please everyone.  And if you try, then you end up not even pleasing yourself.  And if you can please yourself.  You have no chance of policing anyone else.  So I will do what is necessary.  Regarding the promises I made to my darling, Aileen.  And the promises I have made to God.  And let the cards fall where they may.

As I have explained above, I met that point in my life where I need to refocus my spiritual center.  And that's exactly what I intend on doing.  I have a lot of household chores to complete over the next few days.  I even have some repair work that has to be done.  I am in the midst of getting those things accomplished.  And failure is not an option.  It can't be.  So it won't be.  My actions will my fellow humans.  The value of my commitment and my dedication.  And that's all I need.

So as I said.  Tomorrow I will begin spending 60 minutes per day on my email and my petitions.  I will sign as many petitions as possible.  But in my Journal for a while.
Simply going to write.  I will write my thoughts I will write my feelings as I make my way home.  Because in that vein, nor in my mind that is exactly where I am going.  I'm going home.  I'm trying to find my way home.  Home to my birth mother.  Home to my adoptive father.  Home to whoever my father was meaning my birth father.  Home to God.  Home to my darling, Aileen.  And I will find my way home.  I don't usually have problems with navigation.  I never have.  So I will find my way home.  I might not do it as quickly as others.  I might not do it as well as others.  But then I'm not competing with them.  I'm competing with myself.  Because I don't compete with anyone on any level for anything.  The only time when I ever competed in my life with anyone else was when I was in high school.  And that was only during sporting events.  Because I don't believe in personal competition.  Because I've never seen any real value from personal competition.  Because regardless of who the winners are there are always losers.  So I my estimation in any kind of competition.  Nobody is the winter.  Because even the winners end up feeling somewhat negative in one way or another about the fact that they won because by virtue of the fact that they won someone else lost.  And that doesn't happen when you are competing with yourself.  All that happens when you compete with yourself is that you might not end of doing as well as you were hoping.  And in that regard.  All that happens is you end up bumping into a few trees.  Or falling on your face.  Because when you compete would yourself.  It's not a win nor lose competition.  It is a competition of doing the best you can.  And that's all it is.

So I will press on.

And I will dedicate the meditations of my heart and my soul to my life as expressions of my dedication.  And if that's not good enough for anyone.  Or if it's not good enough for the Maschke family, then I'm sorry.  Because I know it's good enough for God.  And I know it's good enough for my father.  Because no one else was part of the relationship I had with my father.  The relationship my father and I had was extremely singular in nature.  We were connected.  We always had an understanding and we always will.

I want everyone who is reading this Journal note that I'm deeply honored in every imaginable way that you find this Journal worthy of your attention.  You can't see my face.  So you can't see how grateful I am or how honored I am.  All I can do is tell you.

Thank you very much for listening.

A Fallen Sparrow

7:56 AM, EDT:

In my life in this country.  I have met some of the most amazing people in the world.  I have met people from around the entire world.  I've met people of every walk of life.  Every race and color.  I've met people with lots of money and people who had no money.  Never once did I look at anyone who I ever met is anything but an absolute honor and a miracle.  And I guess the only reason I can say that is because when I look at people and when I look at this world.  I don't just see life.  I see the miracle of the energy of life.  The miracle I guess that you might call God.

The people who live next to me on the West side of my house are really very good people.  They have been married for 38 years.  That's a long time.  I know from my darling Aileen that after we reached 10 years and people would say we had married a long time.  It never seemed like a long time to either of us because it was just so natural.

As I said.  I've never met anyone in my life was not absolutely incredible in every way.  Some were more negative than others.  Because I've actually known criminals.  And without ever really knowing it at the time.  I've actually lived with a couple of murderers.  They were never apprehended when they lived with me.  They were of course apprehended later.  And I never knew they were murderers when they lived with me.  And that only happened three different times in my life.  And yet they were just as incredible as every other human being.  I ever met.  It's just they were a lot more negative.

As I've said this lady and her name is Lois.  She is a child abuse victim.  And she has a rather significant speech impediment.  So sometimes it's a little hard to understand her when she talks.  But the amazing thing is that when she was younger he for she was disabled with diabetes her and her sisters used to play guitar in nursing homes.  And she spent most of her life working to help other people and soup kitchens and food banks.

I've said before that when you or in this hallway.  Because we are all in this hallway together.  That if you see someone walking alone in this hallway and they are getting closer to that door that if there's no one walking with them that in my estimation.  And in my opinion it is absolutely appropriate.  And the absolute to go up and walk right next to them by their side.  Because I don't feel that anyone should have to go through that doorway alone or without the support of all of us because that doorway is the common experience that we all share.

Lois is in trouble.  Her diabetes is getting worse and she's in the hospital right now.  I'm not asking for anyone to do anything unique or out of character.  I'm just asking you to look in your hearts and to remember that if God will not allow the smallest sparrow to fall to the ground.  Then why should we as God's creations do any less?

Four times in my life before I ever met my darling, Aileen.  I've held people in my arms as they died.  It changes you.  And every single one of those instances in those very last seconds.  All four of those wonderful souls thought I was someone else in one case the individual thought I was their mother.  Because I believe in the dignity of humankind.  I was their mother.  In another instance, the individual thought I was their sister.  And that's what I was in another instance, the individual thought I was their father.  And that's exactly what I was.  And in the fourth instance the individual thought I was their daughter.

When you're in that situation and that soul is looking up at you and their mind has become clouded with all that energy that is moving back and forth, and they are scared instinctively within yourself.  You become what they see.  Because you know that there but for the grace of God go you.

I've lost so many friends over the years diabetes friends who I loved it all my heart.  I've lost a lot of friends to cancer friends to this very day have a special chair inside my heart.  Chair that I keep vacant and that I always keep clean a chair that I always dust off that I make sure is there and open for them when their spirit becomes tired.  They need a resting place so that they can always know that in my heart there is chair for them.  There where they can sit they can no that while where they are may not be there at the very least.  It is a home.

Lois as osteoporosis as a result of her diabetes.  There has been no medical assessment, as of yet, but as I said, I've lost a lot of friends to diabetes and the unspeakable is the reality.  When you have diabetes, the vast majority of people end up losing a part of our all of one of their legs at the very least.  It's an incredibly tortuous psychological thing to happen.  And because my body and myself have friends and yet enemies at the same time, where I have been filled with conflict between my heart and my mind against what my body was able to do.  I have a tremendous respect for anyone who struggles with that kind of conflict.

As I said.  Lois is in trouble.  She's in the hospital and for whatever reason inside myself.  I have this dark feeling that she may end up losing a portion of her leg.  I'm praying to God that is not so.

We rush around in this world, creating all sorts of arguments, and all sorts of issues to try and hate each other, which we've done really well.  We've had world wars all through our history as human beings, where we have destroyed.  Just about everything.  We have destroyed religious sites we've destroyed historical sites we've destroyed countries we've destroyed nations and cultures.  We destroyed people by the millions all because it was so easy for us to draw those lines between us.  I never believed in those lines.

So I'm asking you with all the tragedy in the world today with all of the millions and millions of men, women and children who are living in such terrible agony I'm asking you is one person.  If you believe in God.  I mean if you really believe in God.  Whether you call God as God are with you call God Allah or Buddha, or the gods.  It doesn't matter.  If you believe in God.  I'm asking you please.  Just take one minute.  That's all I'm asking from you.  Please join me in take one minute of your day.  Please just take one minute.  Please say a prayer for Lois.  As you are praying for so many others.  So many that we know about.  Please pray for her.  Also.  Because the world doesn't know much about her.  But I am honored to call her my friend and I am honored to be concerned for her safety.  It's the right thing to do.

She lives with a lot of pain every day and so do so many others.  And when I know about anyone who is a in my heart I always say a prayer for them, hoping their pain will ease.  Lois is in trouble.  Whether she knows it or whether anyone else understands it or not.  I know she's in trouble because I can feel it inside of my heart.  I know the signs.  That's why I'm asking you to join me in saying a prayer for.  She's not well known.  She doesn't have lots of money she's older, older than I am actually.  And she's in trouble.  She is what I would call that sparrow.  That single sparrow falling to the ground where God will stretch out God's hand to make sure that the sparrow does not fall to the ground.

We as human beings are the hands of God here on earth.  We are those hands in the smiles we give each other in the kindness we show to each other.  And we can be so much more.

So many of you may not know Lois.  Some who are reading this might know who she is.  And if you do, please don't tell her about this Journal entry.  Because that's not why I'm writing this Journal entry.  If you know Lois don't tell her about what I'm doing.  Just do what I'm asking.  Pray for her.  For the love of God.  Please pray for her.  There are millions of amazing men, women and children every day losing limbs.  And the emotional scars and the psychological damage happening as a result, is irreparable.  It is damage that never goes away.  It is the scar that never heals.

Lois is no longer able to walk on her own.  She is in a wheelchair all day long.  And thank God for her husband.  Because her husband Mark is a really very kind and remarkable man.  But closes in that kind of trouble or medicine will only be able to do so much.  She's in that kind of trouble where we as humanity have the opportunity to do the very wonderful thing that we really are known for in this world.  To open our hearts instead of our wallets or purses.  To open our hearts.  And to take just one minute out of our busy day and say a prayer.  To say a prayer for one of these people who I call the shadow people.  The people living in the shadows of life that most people don't see or hear and yet have all of that energy of God inside them.  Just like any of us do.  So we all have that chance.  So while you are praying today.  For all of these other wonderful an absolutely incredible men, women and children who are suffering beyond anything I could put into words.  Please.  I'm asking you with all my heart.  Please say a prayer for Lois.  Say a prayer that you hope she does not lose her leg.  Say a prayer that she is okay.  Please.

If we cannot humble ourselves before God, then we cannot humble ourselves within our own souls.  And if we cannot do that, then we have lost our dignity.  Because part of our human dignity is in our ability to humble ourselves before our creator to always know that before the eyes of God, no soul is too small.  No soul is insignificant for God does not think so and neither should we.

There are so many people in my neighborhood right now.  Joyce suffering with different forms of diabetes, all of whom are battling for their lives.  It's the reality.  And if I were to walk this great nation.  I would meet almost every minute suffering beyond anything I could put into words.  Because it's all around us.  And that gives us a choice.  Just like it gives me a choice for when I see that suffering I see a prayer.  Within my heart before God asking him to have mercy to embrace that soul and to protect that soul because it's the right thing to do.

You would have to know Lois.  But then maybe not.  I say, you would have to know her to know how painful her life is.  And yet how much belief in life.  She has.  She is a really kind and good person, very kind and good woman.  Just like there are amazing and incredible men in my neighborhood who are battling various types of illnesses and they are fighting for their life.  But in many cases they are stronger.  Lois is not.  Although she has incredible strength.  I just have this very foreboding feeling inside of myself and I can't even explain how I have that feeling.  Perhaps it's because I've seen it so many times before, so that I know the outcome.

And I've watched people lose a limb.  I've watched how they change.  I've watched some of them muster and keep going.  And I watched others fail.  And while I know Lois as a neighbor and as a friend.  I don't know her as well.  As her husband Mark.  But I know her well enough to know that she's in trouble.  And I know humanity well enough to know that when one of us is in trouble.  It resonates inside of every single one of us and we always do.  Exactly the right thing.

Lois is 68 years old.  And I just have this very foreboding feeling.  I have a lot to do today.  Because I have to walk 2 miles in order to make sure that this assessment I need with Metro goes through.  So I have a lot to do.  But I'm going to take a minute.  Just one single minute.  And I'm going to ask God in prayer to please protect Lois.  With all the billions of life forms.  Here honor that God watches over I'm going to ask God to not overlook Lois.  Because I believe that if enough of us petition God with prayer that if we pray to God.  God will hear that sound, and maybe Lois won't suffer as much and if that is true.  Then, in my estimation asking you to take one minute to pray for her is exactly the right thing to do.

As I said, she's not famous she doesn't have lots of money.  She doesn't really have much family left.  And with all the trouble she went through in her life.  She spent most of her life trying to help others.  And now she is in trouble.  That's why I say if you know who she is.  Please don't tell her about what I'm writing here.  Because that's not important.  If you know her.  Just please do what I'm asking police say a prayer for she deserves.  Just like millions and millions and literally millions of wonderful and amazing children and brilliant men and women who are suffering every single day where they are battling for their life, with many of them losing that battle.  They deserve our prayers.  They deserve our love they deserve for us to stop fighting with each other and think about them because they are battling that war within themselves that all of us will end up finding because we are all going to the same place.

So if you know her.  Please don't tell her about this Journal article, but please do what I'm asking because I'm not asking for anything special from you.  I'm asking for one minute of your time.  Just one single minute to say a prayer for someone who you don't know.  And to do so purely on the basis that even though you may not know this person, you now know they are in trouble, and they need our prayers.

And if enough of us pray.  I just know in my heart.  God will hear that sound.  And then perhaps her life might not be as difficult as it has been because I believe that's fair.  If you see someone who is suffering you have two choices.  You can ignore them, or you can acknowledge them.  Regardless of what choice you make your suffering will not change their condition will not.  But then there is that third choice.  The one that's invisible.  The one that doesn't simply come from your heart or your mind that comes from your soul.  Where you will say a prayer within yourselves for that person that you might see your counter and if you see them suffering you will say a prayer within your soul asking God to maybe let them suffer.  Just a little bit less.

It's the right thing to do, ladies and gentlemen.  If we don't stop fighting with each other and start learning how to love each other and celebrate each other, then we have no chance.  Because everything we do for ourselves.  We end up doing for each other and everything we end up doing to or for each other.  We end up doing to ourselves.  Because the cycle of life is no different from one sold to the next cycle never changes.  It's us who make that cycle unique by the fact that we are an individual life.  And if God will not allow the smallest sparrow to fall to the ground.  Then why for the love of God.  Would we ever want to do anything less?

I'm afraid for.  Maybe I'm afraid for her, because I watched my own darling, Aileen suffer and die.  Maybe I'm afraid for her because I lost so many friends to diabetes may be am afraid for her because I've watched some video my friends lose limbs from diabetes.  Maybe I'm afraid for her because I don't so many brilliant firefighters and police officers and veterans who have lost limbs and watched how they have struggled it doesn't matter, she is my neighbor.  She is a friend and my instincts are telling me she's in trouble.  And what I feel those instincts, above all, I'd pay attention.

And I don't know that she has a lot of people praying for her right now.  So I don't know that her sound is loud enough for God to hear, even though he years.  Every sound.  There is so much noise in the world.  I'm afraid God might not here are sound loud enough.  And maybe that's a failure on my part by not believing God has that kind of hearing, but I don't think that matters either.  Because she is one of the shadow people that life doesn't see very much of a very much attention to.  And she doesn't have much family.  She doesn't have very many friends.  Although she has a number of good friends.  She's very much invisible to most of the world but not to me.  And now, not to you either.

So I'm asking you with all my heart.  Please just take one minute of your day.  The matter when that minute is please just take one minute and say a prayer for her.  Please.

Like I said, I have these instinctive feelings inside myself.  This got feeling where I know something is wrong when you see that kind of thing inside yourself.  You know that the first thing you want to do is turn your attention to that which made all of us simply ask for mercy.

And who knows?  Maybe once you say a prayer for Lois, you'll be so moved within yourself that you will then say a prayer for someone that you know in your own neighborhood where you are living that hardly anyone else knows about that you know who is suffering and then, maybe you will even go further and say prayers for those who you don't know who are suffering and then maybe you will go even further than that and allow the meditations of your heart to become the actions of your life.  And who knows?  If enough of us do that.  Perhaps the loud noises of hatred and duration will become eventually drowned out with the meditations of our heart and our prayers and our love for each other.  You want to see miracles in life?  Say a prayer.  Pray for someone you don't know who is suffering.  You do that.  And I guarantee you that you will see miracles in your life.  Because when you pray for someone you don't know who is suffering I've always believed in my heart and soul that when you do that you are making the kind of sound that is singular and special to God, the one that God doesn't ignore

I'm very afraid for her.  I just have this very foreboding feeling and I'm praying it is not so.  And I'm asking you if you even like anything I have ever written.  If you like me at all if you believe in anything I have ever said you please join me?  Please.  We are the hands of God on earth.  That is what humanity is.  Arterials are aware of God washes are so clean.  But our lives are the hands of God upon this earth.  And now you can see, as I do.  If you are reading this that I sparrow is falling to the ground.  And since we are the hands of God on earth.  Let us not allow that sparrow to fall to the ground.  For the love of God please join me and say a prayer for Lois and then say a prayer for everyone who you may not know who are suffering and watch what happens.  There is magic in all of this.  Because when you say that kind of prayer your entire be changes and God hears that sound loudest of all, let them.  Here are sound now.  Don't let this rather invisible, soul fall to the ground.  Let God hear our sound pray with me please pray she is okay.

If you see someone in this hallway and they are getting close to that door and they are walking alone.  It is absolutely the right thing to do to walk up next to them and be their friend and be that friend who will walk with them.  It's the right thing to do.

If you think I'm stupid or if you think I'm being foolish that's okay.  I don't mind being so on behalf of someone who is in trouble.  It's the right thing to do.  There's a lot more to my whistling than simply making the sounds that the birds to or having a song in my heart and God on my mind.  Because my whistling is actually an expressions of the meditations of my heart my love for my fellow man my love for the children and all life.  So I was so that the song in my heart, let God know that I embrace life and I love life as much as she loves all of us because it's the right thing to do.  It's why we were created.

Just one minute.  That's all I'm asking.  Ladies and gentlemen, just one single minute.  We all have lost so many friends and so many people we've lost sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and sons and daughters and friends.  We all know that instinctive pain that I feeling that's why I'm asking the one single minute and nothing else, just one prayed to God she's okay.  Because the more of us to do the louder the sound that we will make.  And while the Bible tells us to make a joyful sound unto the Lord.  I have always believed in my heart.  It is equally important if not more so, to make a grateful sound unto the Lord.

Please do so now at least some time during today, just one please pray for her.  Please pray for Lois.

I will write later.

Thank you so very much for listening.

Sunday, April 20, 2014


5:46 PM, EDT:

Personal health:

Well, what I said, this morning has proved to be true.  By eliminating sugar, more specifically, white sugar.  I have actually expanded or lengthened the time window for my pancreatic stability.  Which almost makes sense.  Because it then suggests that having the white sugar was actually interacting with the caffeine in the coffee to accelerate sugar loss, whereas having coffee with cream or, while it might actually decrease the amount of stability in the pancreas within a certain amount of time.  It actually is less accelerated in doing that, then it would be with the white sugar.

So that is very good news and I can only say that I am probably sorry I didn't do this sooner.  But I am certainly glad I'm doing it now.

Home maintenance:

Well I did the front lawn and the tree line.  Meaning I cut the grass.  And then I began using this 22 foot collapsible ladder.  And for the first time in 25 years.  I have removed all of the lines growing over the driveway.  What's interesting is that as a result of my nervous breakdown.  I do have a form of acrophobia.  But at the same time.  I've actually been a mountain climber or at least climbing mountains all over the United States since I was eight years old.  So what's interesting is that as I am going up the ladder.  It's almost like being stinks inside of me are kicking in.  Because I'm actually fairly comfortable when I'm going up because it's nothing more than what I used to do when I was climbing mountains.

Of course I am a lot more arthritic now than I ever was before.  And my left leg has a lot of issues going up and down stairs.  But on a ladder, I'm basically doing what anyone else might be doing.  Because when you grew up on a ladder.  You are of course going one rung at a time.  So I basically worked from around 1030 until about 330 this afternoon.  And then my left leg just began to get tired to the point where I felt that I might actually make a mistake and some of my movements.  So that's when I just stopped for the day.  But I only have a little bit left to do on the wire going across over the front porch with growth that has been hanging down.  And the ladder is incredibly easy to use.  So I would say that probably by the end of the month.  At the very least, if not before.  I will have all of those lines that have been growing down over the front of the house and over the front porch completely removed.  Just like they are now removed over the driveway.  And then of course I'm also going to be doing some pruning and I have all these other chores I have to do to the house.  But now that I have this ladder.  I'm not going to have any problem getting it all done.

But I can certainly say that it was a lot of work.  And it's actually the first time I've used a ladder in about four years.  But again.  That's where my instincts from going up or at least being up high actually have come back into play.  Now don't get me wrong.  There's no way I could ever like scale of building or anything like that.  And I don't know how I'm going to feel when I get to the second story on this ladder.  But I have a funny feeling.  And then again my instincts are just going to take over.  Because I've scaled mountains that were more than 14,000 feet high.  And I have been in some rather interesting situations when I was climbing different mountain peaks.  So I think it's going to be just fine.

Obviously, today I did not do any work on the petitions.  Because I was busy working on the house.  Which is what I have to do.  Then I will start the laundry here in a little while and then just continue finishing it during the night and tomorrow morning.  And then tomorrow morning I will shower and put myself together and then I will do that walk to Metro and get the financial assessment.

Then of course the rest of the week is going to be cooler with a little bit of rain.  But I did treat the property with boric acid.  So I would say possibly next weekend if it's warmer.  I will try to do it again.  Or perhaps near the end of the week where I will go up and I will finish removing those lines.  Then, the next sure, of course, is to make sure that the gutters are clean and for the most part they are, except at a couple of the joints, at least at the porch level.

Once that is done, then I will begin pruning the trees over the driveway using again, this incredible ladder.  And once that's done, then I have to make repairs to the back of the house in the backyard which are not really a big deal.  And of course, the more that I use this ladder.  The better I will get at using it.  The only fly in the ointment is, of course, my left leg, which just doesn't really work as well as it used to.  But that's okay.  And I also cleaned the air conditioner.

So I've got everything moving forward.  Actually, I am really sort of proud of myself.  I wasn't sure how well I was going to do.  But it seems that I'm really doing better than I thought.  So I am pleased and like I said I'm rather proud of myself.  Of course I have to be honest.  There are probably millions of people who are my age and doing so much more.  But that's not what I focus on.  All I care about is doing the best I can.  And I know I have done that today.  Because I'm going to sleep well tonight.

My hand is a little bit sore from doing the pruning.  But that's normal.  And not really a big deal.  But I am definitely tired.  So of I don't do the laundry today I will probably do it tomorrow either before or after I go to Metro.  I just have to see how I feel because I am a bit sore.  But that's just because I'm using muscles that I haven't used for a while.  So again, it's really no big deal.

So all in all it was a really Bangor day.  I mean that.  And I've organized the equipment room to make it easier to move things around.  Because again, this was the first time I actually used this ladder.  And it's actually the first time I'm actually using all the equipment as I have organized it in the room.  And I probably will share a picture of what I've got in that equipment room so you can see how I have it organized.  It's actually the room on the first floor off the kitchen, which was our bedroom, when Aileen and I first met.  And then of course in 2000 we did this really huge rehab on the house at which point we then moved upstairs.  But now after she's died, of course.  I use that room.  Partially for a dressing room and also for my equipment room.  Because there is really no garage on the property.

And that equipment, trade that I purchased for the ladder is absolutely perfect.  It was a very wise move on my part to purchase that equipment tray.  And I did that because as I said, I don't like being up high or going up.  Unless I actually have my hands being able to be free to not only keep myself where I need to be and prevent myself from falling.  But to also to be able to use my hands for what I need to use them for.  So the equipment tray is just perfect.

In any event, is now a little after 6 PM.  In it has been a really long day.  But I did get a lot accomplished.  And I did what I said I was going to do.  That's the important thing.  And tomorrow's going to be a really nice day because is going to be in the 70s and sunny.  So when I'm doing my walk to Metro.  It will be really nice weather and that will make the walk a lot easier.  Plus, as I said, I'm carrying food.  With me now in this refrigerated kind of lunchbox that I put in my cart, or one of the baskets of my card.  So that when I'm out if I begin to have issues with my sugar dropping as a result of the energy I'm expending.  That I then have a little food where I can bring my levels right back up.  Which will mean that the walk will be less stressful.

I think all I'm going to do is simply wash up a little bit.  And then have something to eat.  With perhaps a large cup of milk.

6:19 PM, EDT:

My neighbors brought me a plate for Easter.  So now I'm definitely going to eat and then get some sleep.  But I did washup first.  So if I wake up in the middle of the night.  I will start doing the laundry, then.  But everybody was watching and from what I have heard people think I did a pretty good job.  All things considered.  So again, I feel sort of proud of myself.

So it's been a very interesting day, and I'm pleased because I worked hard and I got a certain amount done and I'm ready for the coming week.  At least as ready as I can be.

And I've heard no news on my next-door neighbor who lives to the West, except that she is still in the hospital and we are not sure of any assessment yet.  And that sort of makes sense because it's the weekend and it's a holiday so they probably aren't going to do any kind of an assessment until tomorrow.  And I will definitely let or at least right here in my Journal what actually happens and I'm praying that she's okay.  Of all the people in this world.  She's one of them who I just want to be okay.  They are really good people.  And she's a very nice lady.  So we will see what happens.

Thanks so much for listening.

I'll write later.


6:18 AM, EDT:

Here is something for the medical I told you so, file.  I would never have believed that this was really true or the case.  But I have just proved that it is.

Everyone in the world has seen these studies that have been done regarding white sugar.  For most of my life.  I've never had a problem with white sugar.  The only issues I ever had was sugar at all was that if I had too much sugar, being hypoglycemic, I would end up getting, in reality, drunk.  Because that's the effect that too much sugar has on someone who is hypoglycemic.  The reason for that is rather simple.  When you are hypoglycemic your pancreas is, by nature, reacting in a spastic manner.  So that means that your pancreas is having, to various degrees, difficulty in holding the necessary sugars within itself, in a contiguous or congruent manner.  Whereby, as a result, you are pancreas then ends up not having the sugars it needs where you end up in a low sugar condition.

So for someone who is hypoglycemic the way to resolve that is to give the body the good sugar of fructose, which is obtained through more of a high-protein diet.  And in my case based on my chemistry the percentage has always been 60% to 40%.  Meaning what I eat needs to have approximately 60% protein as compared to or combined with, 40% carbohydrate.  And by doing that, as a result, my pancreas then receives the good sugar of fructose in such a way so that it then has what is known as a time frame or a window of stability.  Whereby it is not behaving in a spastic manner, or at least a spastic behavior is in fact reduced.

Which is basically the baseline of how I have structured my diet since I was 16 years old.  And in point of fact, if I would eat something that would have a tremendous amount of glucose in what I was eating.  The reaction would be that my pancreas would then become flooded with the glucose to such an extent that, while the spastic behavior of my pancreas would actually be virtually eliminated.  At the same time, because of the large amount of glucose, hitting the pancreas it would produce throughout my body physically or chemically, the condition of being intoxicated.  In other words, I would appear as if I were drunk.  Believe it or not.  This is true.  People who know me have seen this happen.

Which is why I have all my life, if I've been at someone's house having dinner and.  For example, after dinner if they were going to serve the desert, strawberry shortcake.  I would always refuse that desert.  And then I would make the joke, I can't have any of that.  Because, I'm driving.  Just like someone would say about not having anything more to drink.  And then of course everyone would laugh.  But the people who know me would know that's true.  Because, for example, if I would have a normal meal at someone's home and then I would follow that meal with a normal sized portion of strawberry shortcake.  Within 30 minutes I would end up either completely drunk or asleep or I would in fact pass out.  Simply because I would be flooding the pancreas was so much glucose that it really would produce, chemically, within my body, the conditions of being intoxicated.

So, over years, with all of the different rules regarding what I can and what I cannot eat based on my hypoglycemic condition.  I have basically done what is called, medically speaking, playing the sugar game.  And playing the sugar game means simply that you, from your own experience, take an immediate assessment of how you feel chemically at any given moment.  Then, once you do that, you then look at what you are eating.  And because, if you are hypoglycemic, like me.  You then immediately know, within yourself how much time you are going to get of pancreatic stability from what you are eating before your sugar levels drop.

For example.  An 8 ounce glass of whole milk, not skim milk.  But whole milk, will give my pancreas about six hours of pancreatic stability.  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of 8 ounce whole milk will give my pancreas about eight hours of stability.  Providing of course I don't have any coffee.  During that time.  And then if I do have coffee that time windows of course reduced.  So over the years I have because I've lived with this since I was 16.  Developed numbers of timelines based on what I eat.  When I had teeth.  A regular portion of steak would actually give my pancreas a time window of stability of almost 10 hours, or even 12 hours.  Once again determined by how much coffee.  I might have within that timeframe.

So this is basically how a hypoglycemic eats.  Someone who has hypoglycemia rarely eats as a result of hunger.  Because more times than not, they will eat as a result of a drop in their sugar level or changes in their hypoglycemic condition.

So when it comes to white sugar.  All my life.  I never really had too much of a problem with white sugar.  When I kept to a rather conservative minimum, the amount of white sugar, I might have that any given time.  But over the past 10 years I have and going through different types of gastric reactions.  And I always thought it was primarily due to one type of food or one type of chemical or another.  But I have just proved this morning that most of the problems I have had which have been gastric in nature have been almost entirely as a result of my body.  Developing, to one extent or another, and intolerance to white sugar.

And how do I know this is true?

Because I have just had a cup of coffee and all I have had in that cup of coffee is creamer.  Two things that are really rather interesting and possibly remarkable are happening.

One.  First of all, I'm having no gastric reaction whatsoever, which I normally have when I have a cup of coffee with one or 2 teaspoons of sugar in the cup of coffee.  And secondly.  I am not noticing a chemical change in my chemistry whereby as a result, I am seeing any signs of pancreatic instability which I normally do in fact realize or experience within 30 minutes to an hour after I have a cup of coffee with one or 2 teaspoons of sugar.  So by eliminating the sugar, meaning the white sugar.  I have virtually eliminated the negative gastric reaction I have been having.  And at the same time.  I am also not noticing what is called bleeding.  Which is where as a result of pancreatic instability the pancreas begins to not be able to hold the sugar.  It has because it's becoming more spastic.

Logic, in my mind, is telling me this doesn't make sense.  And yet it absolutely does make sense.  Because in the creamer of the coffee.  There is very little if any kind of fructose.  Which means drinking the cup of coffee isn't really giving my pancreas anything that it needs to maintain stability.  So that, in the past, if I have a cup of coffee, within 40 minutes to one hour.  I always notice a slight change negatively, in my chemistry, whereby as a result, my pancreas then begins to have a certain amount of instability or I begin to go into various degrees of low blood sugar conditions.  But that's not happening right now.  And the only change I'm noticing is a very slight chemical change in my pancreas where I do need to have that 60% to 40% protein to carbohydrate mix of something to eat.  Which is of course easy to do.  But the reaction is much less dramatic and it's much less accelerated by not having white sugar.

And because I never had a problem with this until about 10 years ago I have to conclude that what's going on is actually one of two different types of conditions.  On the one hand it what is going on is very probably my body.  Having developed more of an intolerance to white sugar based on my hypoglycemic condition.  And the other possibility is that with my intestines having a form of ulcerated colitis.  That my body has as a result of the ulcerated colitis developed a different kind of intolerance to white sugar, whereby I would be having as a result, if I had anything with white sugar or an undue amount of white sugar in what I was eating either an intestinal gastric reaction or a gastric reaction in my stomach.  Whereas I then who would end up with my pancreas having less stability.  Where I would actually lose more sugar as a result, and thereby go into a low blood sugar condition.

Which is why I said that what I'm going through is actually one of those things for the, medical I told you so, file.  Because those studies about white sugar, at least in my case, with what I've said above, are absolutely true.

And the reason that this is important is because I'm 63 years old.  That is not really incredibly old age, not by any means.  But I have been living with hypoglycemia since I was 16.  And the overwhelming evidence of people who are hypoglycemic becoming diabetic is well documented.  But I have never become diabetic.  And the doctors I've spoken to over the years and I have both concluded that the reason I have never become diabetic is because I have always very rigidly lived by those rules that I live by.  As someone who has hypoglycemia.  That I never abused my system or my body as a result of my having hypoglycemia.  And one of the ways someone does that, of course, is if they ignore their hypoglycemic condition and they just eat whatever the hell they want.  So they never really pay attention to how much stability they get from what they eat and their eating habits then take on more of a characteristic of what they want to eat rather than what they need to eat.  Which is why a lot of people who have hyperglycemia do in fact become diabetic as they get older.

But if you rigidly live by those rules that you are given as someone who has hypoglycemia.  Your chances of becoming diabetic.  When you are older are greatly reduced.  Because like I said.  I'm not diabetic and I never have been.  Not because I'm better, but because I never really strayed from the rules I was given.  And it just never occurred to me that the intoxication that I might have had when I was younger to undue amounts of sugar in something I might eat might actually produce the kind of gastric reactions I've had over the last 10 years.  But this cup of coffee is showing me.  That's exactly what has been happening.  And that to me, is absolutely incredible.  I'm almost shaking my head because I just never would have ever thought that white sugar would cause that kind of problem.  But my body is very sensitive to sugars.  Because of my hypoglycemic condition and has always been so.  This cup of coffee certainly proves that.

So it's not like I have to be hit in the head with a hammer.  Because I'm definitely paying attention to this.  Because it's a condition that I don't normally experience.  And it's a very positive condition.  Because I'm not realizing any kind of undue instability chemically as a result of having this cup of coffee which I normally do experience.  All because I'm not having white sugar.

Like I said.  We've all seen the studies.  These studies about white sugar have been out for the last 15 or 20 years.  It's not that I never paid attention to those studies.  But I can't really pay attention to a lot of the studies that are done medically because the medical conditions of my body are so peculiar.  For example, most people will opt out for drinking 2% milk or low-fat milk.  I can't do that.  Because I actually need whole milk in order to maintain the chemical balance that my body needs to give my pancreas the greatest degree of stability.  So that's one example where the normal population may move in one way and I have to move in another because of my hypoglycemic condition.  Just like medical studies have been done showing that taking a multiple vitamin is really sort of pointless.  And yet with my body chemistry if I don't take a multiple vitamin.  The various chemical levels in my system are not maintained.  And so consequently my blood levels chemically basically drop.  So that while the studies are saying multiple vitamins are pointless.  In my case, that's not true.  Because if I don't take a multiple vitamin every day, then I'm not able to maintain the blood levels in my body chemistry sufficiently on my own or from anything I might eat.  And predominantly as a result of my hypoglycemic condition.

So consequently, it's not that I go out of my way to ignore these studies but I always have to try to put them in perspective.  Based on my own chemistry from what I've lived with all these years.  So with the sugar studies I was never really sure if they were that pertinent to my condition.  Yet from this cup of coffee.  I am seeing that those studies absolutely are correct with regard to my chemistry.  Because I'm not having the normal negative reaction that I have to the couple coffee.  Again, based on my hypoglycemic condition.  Which means the bottom line is.  I can't have any more white sugar.  That's basically what it comes down to.

I've always been aware of the dangers of my continued exposure or use of white sugar based on my having hypoglycemia.  Which is that the older.  I would get my continued use of white sugar could in fact moved me in the direction of being diabetic.  So I have always been very careful about the amount of white sugar, I might ever have it any given time.  But for the last several years I've been very interested, at the very least, in trying to find out what it was that was causing these gastric reactions intestinal.  He and in my stomach, whereby as a result, my sugar levels were basically dropping.  And finding out that it's white sugar is as I said, absolutely incredible.  Because that's exactly what it is.

And of course this means, at least for me, that my chances of going diabetic from my hypoglycemic condition, are even further reduced because I am eliminating the white sugar from my diet.  It's definitely a moment, physically that I'm paying a lot of attention to.  Like I said.  I've always known that if I had too much sugar at any given time I would end up drunk.  Because that's exactly what happens.  I've always known that.  So I've always been very careful on my life.  Because of that condition.  Because like I said I've actually passed out if I've had too much sugar in what I'm eating.  And I've always been very careful about that.  Because for the most part I've been on my own.  So if I were to pass out there wouldn't be anyone around.  So I was absolutely forced to have to pay a lot of attention.  But to find that the gastric issues I've been having over the last 10 years are because of this white sugar.  First of all, as I said, it makes perfect sense.  Based on what I've explained above.  But secondly, it's just sort of incredible because I never really thought my body would actually developed that kind of, or level of, intolerance.  But it has.  Because if it had not then I would be having right now, one form of a chemical reaction or another, with regard to my hypoglycemia.  Which I am not having.  I'm not having any of those negative reactions from this cup of coffee that I normally have.  And the only thing that's different is that I'm not having any white sugar.

This is sort of like the moment in a story where the main character of the story starts banging his head up against a wall and laughing.  Because that's how I feel.  That this thing has been right in front of me and I haven't paid attention to it.  At least I haven't looked at it in the right way, whereby I've had these gastric reactions for like 10 years and was looking at all these different things and never really paying attention to the singular fact that the gastric reactions were coming from white sugar.  Now I'm convinced.  Now I get the message.  So that's the end of white sugar.  Because the chemical situation I'm experiencing right now cannot be denied.  Because it's just fact.  My body chemistry has more stability right now even with this one cup of coffee, then it would be having if I had any sugar in that coffee.  It's almost mind blowing.  But it's true.  And the only peculiarity of it is that the coffee has a slightly different taste.  Not an unpleasant taste but just a slightly different taste.  It actually tastes as good.  And while I'm also noticing is that it's almost like I don't feel any kind of stress, chemically as a result of having this cup of coffee like I normally do when I have one or 2 teaspoons of sugar in the coffee.  Which is why in one way I feel sort of dumb.  Because those studies in this particular case, regarding white sugar, regarding my body chemistry, are absolutely true.  And I guess the only explanation is that I was inclined not to look at a lot of these studies because my body chemistry does have the peculiarities that it does so naturally I was presuming that the studies of white sugar, were pretty much the same as the other studies and really didn't address, or were not addressing, the chemical conditions of my body.  And yet.  Because of how white sugar does react with the human body.  Those studies about white sugar don't have to be more specific than they are because white sugar really does have a negative impact on the body.  So there may be an explanation why I never really paid attention to the white sugar studies.  Which is understandable.  Because with my body chemistry.  I can't really pay attention to a lot of those studies.  Because my body chemistry is different where I have to pay attention not to the studies but from what the doctors I've known through the years and my own experience has taught me.

In any event, I'm definitely off white sugar.  Now.  Because there is no denying what I'm experiencing.  It's impossible.  Because what I'm experiencing is significant.  And following through on what I'm learning right now will of course increase my probability of not becoming diabetic.  And that is a very good thing.  Because there are a number of studies based on individuals with hypoglycemia who do become diabetic.  And those studies are generally not very good.  Meaning that when someone who has hypoglycemia becomes diabetic they generally don't do very well.  Which is why I have always paid attention to my diet all these years.  Because of those studies.  Because when someone who has hypoglycemia and the becoming diabetic almost every other aspect of their health suffers rather dramatically.  And I've seen enough of that in my life.  I've actually had a number of friends die as a result of being diabetic and I've had a certain number of those friends who died from being diabetic who were actually initially hypoglycemic.  So that alone was enough to give me the degree of apprehension I would need to make sure that I paid attention to my hypoglycemic diet all these years.  Which I have.  This one aspect would white sugar is just something I didn't really believe was actually causing what it is in fact causing.  But I'm certainly convinced now.

And I'm sharing all of this because of exactly what I've said above.  Because it is that important.  When you're younger and the chemicals of your body are much more virulent or they have much more vitality.  You are reaction or your chemical reaction to white sugar, if you are hypoglycemic, may not be anywhere near as dramatic as when you get older.  When your body chemistry loses a certain amount of its vitality.  Just because you're getting older.  And that is even more of a reason why I'm writing this Journal entry.  Because you could be fooled into thinking that you have tolerance to certain types of sugars if you are hypoglycemic when you are younger, when in reality you don't really have that tolerance and you may not notice that you really don't have that tolerance and to you get a little bit older and your chemistry isn't as vital or doesn't have as much vitality as it did when you were younger.  But there is no denying this evidence.  Which is why I said.  This is one for the, medical I told you so, file.  Because it really is.  This one study or these studies regarding white sugar, in my case, are absolutely true.  That doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to start believing all these other medical studies.  Because I can't.  Because most of them, or most of the studies are really written for or done on people with some normal body chemistry's.  And my body chemistry has not really ever been normal.  So I've always had to listen to my personal doctor ahead of any of those studies.  But in this case.  Like I said.  There is no denying what is going on.  And the real positive from all this is that my sugar levels will probably be maintained a lot better and a lot more easily controlled.  Because I'm going to eliminate the white sugar from my diet.  That'll teach me.  And I'm laughing.  Just when you think you've figured it all out.  Life comes out of the wood work and hits you right smack in the face.

And of course there is also that of the reaction that is in those medical studies about how when you eliminate white sugar from your diet, your weight will then be easy or more easily controlled.  That is so obvious that anyone who doesn't see that is really in my estimation just not paying attention.  Because that is completely true.  But what I've explained above, if you have hypoglycemia, I hope you will really read this article because it's true.  That white sugar will cause you more problems than you ever realized.  It's really sort of refreshing to be able to have a cup of coffee and have the chemical reaction or the negative chemical reaction, decreased to the extent that it is.  That is really a definite positive.  Because I do like having my cup of coffee or having coffee during the day.  And now, because I'm not going to have the gastric issues associated with the cup of coffee like I've had in the past, it means I can probably continue, moderately speaking, to enjoy coffee for a long time in the future.  Because it's really been the white sugar and nothing else that has been causing most of the issues.

Like I said.  We've all seen these studies there have even been really amazing news stories of people who have gained tremendous health vitality as a result of eliminating sugar from their diet.  And I've read those articles just like any of you have.  But suddenly to be receiving a direct benefit from all of that is quite a different matter.  And yet it's happening right now.  That's a very good thing.  Because with all the things I've got going on in my body.  The very last thing I ever want to have to deal with, with everything else going on, is diabetes.  Which is why I have always literally lived very rigidly by my hypoglycemic diet.  Now it's just going to get a little easier for me to do that.  Which means I just have one less thing to have to be concerned about.  And that's a really good thing.  Because I have already enough stuff to have to worry about every day.  Removing one extra thing to worry about is just really very comfortable.

I actually began to feel what I have written above, during the evening.  Because I was going through different levels of gastric disturbance.  So I was attempting to locate or identify what particular food I was eating that was causing that disturbance.  And for the past three or four days.  I've been thinking that it really was white sugar, but I wasn't really totally convinced because I also have this also rated colitis.  So I'm not prone to be making snap judgments until I actually look into what's going on a little more deeply.  But there's no denying what's taking place right now.  Because this is definitely significant, at least for me, chemically.  So I have an entirely new viewpoint about white sugar, especially if you have hypoglycemia.

So obviously I'm feeling a lot better this morning than I have over the past few days.  And that is a wonderful thing.  Because feeling good for me is always a bit of a series of gymnastics.  With the physical pain from my spinal fusion and the other chemical imbalances I have in my system.  Trying to feel good as what other people might consider would be good, has always been sort of a series of gymnastics for me.  Because for one, my physical pain from my spinal fusion never goes away.  The pain only changes it never decreases.  And it never goes away.  It will of course at certain times increase rather dramatically where my sense of humor kicks in.  Because it's the only thing I can think of that helps me to deal with the pain when it gets really bad.

But the reaction I'm having to this coffee is so significant that it's definitely going to make my days a lot easier to deal with.  Plus, like I said, it's going to increase my probability of not becoming diabetic.  And thank God for that.  My next-door neighbor who is diabetic and has been so all of her life just went into the hospital because of a problem with one of her legs.  And I don't even want to think about where that's going because for anyone who knows diabetes, you probably know exactly where it's going.  Just like I do.  And I'm praying to God.  That's not the case.  There are been so many people with diabetes who end up losing one of their legs.  One of the most notable that comes to my mind always is Mary Tyler Moore.  Because she did eventually lose one of her legs.  Because of her diabetes.  And unless you have diabetes or you know someone who has.  It's hard to realize what something like that does to the individual.  But if you are diabetic or you know someone who has diabetes you are acutely familiar with what that kind of thing does to the person.  How they end up feeling victimized by their own body.  It's a very debilitating emotional thing for someone to have to go through where they end up having to lose a leg because of their diabetes.  It's a very debilitating or extremely challenging condition.  So when I say thank God that I'm not diabetic.  That is absolutely a true statement.  And it's only been because I have actually been so regimented about my diet.  All my life.  I guess you might say that I have enough fear inside of me about being diabetic or becoming diabetic that I've never really strayed very far from my hypoglycemic regimen.  And I think the reason for that.  Like I said, is because I've had a number of friends who have actually died from hypoglycemia, and even more have died as a result of diabetes.  And you only have to see a few of those situations before you get a really big wake-up call.  Especially if you're hypoglycemic because you either pay attention or you end up exactly where they are and that's the reality.  And I never wanted to be in that place.  So I have always basically lived and died by my hypoglycemic diet knowing that if I ever strayed too far.  It would not be a good thing.

And of course, my prayers are for my very dear neighbor is in the hospital right now because I'm hoping that the problem with their leg is not what I'm thinking.  But their age is advanced.  And they do have osteoporosis as a result of their diabetes.  So even her husband feels like I do.  That this very well may mean she's going to lose her leg, or at least a portion of it.  It's a far more common circumstance than people realize.  Like I said, unless you are diabetic or you know someone who has diabetes.  Because it is incredibly, and so deeply emotionally painful.  So my thoughts and my prayers are with her.  She's such a nice lady.  She really is.  She's a very, very kind person.  And I know she's not comfortable.  And I know she's not real happy right now.  So I'm hoping with all my heart.  She's okay.  Because her and her husband have been married for 38 years.  That's a very long time and I know that if anything were to happen to her.  Well, life would be very hard for him.  And I don't believe anything dramatic is going to happen to her, other than what I've said.  That she very well may end up losing her leg and I'm praying to God.  That's not going to happen.  But I have this gut feeling that is exactly what is going to have.  I've seen this so many times in my life.  And it's never a good experience it's always very painful.  Because you always end up feeling so helpless.  The person is going through all these really horrible feelings and suffering.  And there's just hardly anything you can do except try and be a friend.

Like I said I'm not diabetic, by the grace of God.  And because I have lived so rigidly by my hypoglycemic diet.  And mostly because I saw so many of my friends dying from either diabetes or hypoglycemia.  And as I said, you only have to see that once or twice before you definitely start paying attention.  This lady who is my neighbor to the west of me is in very good medical hands.  She's absolutely where she needs to be.  Because they will figure it out, and they will take care of her and that is absolutely what she needs.  And I'm just praying to God that her condition hasn't reached the point where they are going to take one of her legs.  But it just like I said, is a very strong gut feeling.  Which means, as a neighbor.  I will just be doing more for her.  And her husband.  And why not?  I don't know many people that are really so cruel and hateful that when they see someone suffering they won't at least try to lend a hand.  So based on how things go with her.  Well, her husband and I have talked.  And he knows if he needs anything all he has to do is call me.  So we will just see what happens.  We will give it to God.

So it's been a rather incredible morning for me.  I'm having something confirmed to me, which I probably should've been paying attention to sooner.  But, thank God has not ended up causing any real major problems for me.  And that's a good thing.  And as a result, I'm feeling a lot better.  Chemically, then I have in a good while.  And then there is this news about my date.  So needless to say I am concerned, and as I said, my heart and my thoughts and my prayers are with her.

As I said yesterday I have a lot to do today.  I have to clean the air conditioner.  I have to do the laundry.  I have to mop the floor.  I have to begin doing some of the pruning around the house.  Meaning the outside of the house with my brand-new collapsible 22 foot letter.  So I have a lot to do today.  And then of course tomorrow I have to go to Metro.  So it's going to be one hell of a week.  But discovering what I have about this white sugar is probably going to make things a lot easier.

To all my brothers and sisters who are Catholic and Christian.  I wish you a really safe and happy Easter.  Tall of my fellow Jews.  I wish you a very happy Passover.  Hopefully this Easter we won't end up reading about some family who ends up using gun violence.  I don't know why it is during the holidays that things like that always seem to have.  And I'm hoping it does not happen today.  But that being said, I think I'm going to have something to eat.  And then of course start putting on my braces, meaning the different braces I wear in order to walk around.  And then I will first take care of the air conditioner, which only takes about 10 minutes.  And then I will probably start the laundry and then I will go outside after it gets a little warmer.  And start doing the work on the house.  It needs to be done.

So with that being said, and all the things I've talked about.  Time is wasting or time is moving on.  So I have given Aileen.  Her morning kiss.  And it's going to be a very good day and warm.  And I do have to treat the property with boric acid.  Because when it gets warmer later today, those critters are definitely going to be on the move.  So I have a really busy day.  I will see when it is that I'm able to write.  But I probably won't be able to write until later today or tomorrow morning.

Thanks so much for listening.

I'll write later.