Moving Forward

More thinking.

1. I’ve gotten rid of Dragon NaturallySpeaking. I have decided that if I am not able to type on the keyboard, then I will “not” use the computer anymore. So I’m done with speech programs. If I have to go through some pain to use the keyboard. I could care less. I am done with Dragon. I am done with speech programs.

2. I will not be maintaining any further aspects of my transgenderism. Meaning I will not curl my hair. But I am also “not” going to cut it. If the right wing Christians have a problem with my having long hair. Perhaps they need to remember that their lord and savior Jesus Christ had long hair. So if they don’t like my long hair, let them take the matter up with Jesus. Not to mention that Samson had long hair.

3. I am going to do a complete purge. Meaning that I am doing to walk away from the transgendered persona that I have been living with for many years. It’s not going to happen over night. But it will happen.

4. My name will remain, Nicole “Mickey” Maschke

5. I am not going back to Facebook no matter what.

6. I will, after I have transferred or backed up, the various journal entries on Wordpress, terminate my WordPress account, and/or journal. WordPress is for movers and shakers in blogging. I am neither. I’m just a guy who has been writing most of my life. No big deal. And I do not want to be like running with the bulls, so to speak, which is what you do when you are on WordPress. WordPress is for the blogger who is out to make a name for themselves. I’m just keeping a journal. Nothing more. It’s just a journal.

7. I will correct and update the pictures for all of my on-line profiles in the next few days.

8. My writing will now be governed by my ability to type without my hands and arms going bonkers. So, if I am having trouble using the keyboard. Don’t look for me to do much writing. But I will keep going. I will maintain this journal. I will continue. I will do what I have promised to Aileen.

9. I will fix and/or remove all broken links pursuant to my f a c e b o o k account.

10. I will continue doing on-line news articles.

11. I am done voting. I don’t think that it works anymore. I don’t think that the elections are honest anymore. I don’t trust the election process anymore. And I don’t think that anyone is elected on he basis of voting anymore. It’s all driven by filthy dirty ugly “money”. And I’m not going to be part of that kind of, what I consider, ugly behavior.

The foregoing being said. I have some serious thinking to do. And I have a lot of on-line work to do, starting tomorrow. So I’ll check back sometime later … either tonight, which I doubt. Or tomorrow…. Probably after the mail, which I do at 9am.

And I only check my email once a day. At 9am every day. I do the necessary petitions, and answer the communications that are pending. Then I close my email program and get on with my life. I do not hover over the computer and spend  useless time on social networks. I work. I work on my home. I work on my life. I work on getting things done around here. And with this being the last part of the month. And being out of money. I will be “working” the next week at surviving long enough until I get my next check.

I do not want anyone being concerned. I have all the food I need to get through to the end of the month. I made sure of that when walked to the store the other day and carried a 40 pound pack of food and supplies, using the last bit of money I had in my account, to make sure that I would have the food to get me through the end of the month. I always get through. No matter what. I always get through.

So now, like I said, I have some thinking to do. I have some meditation to do. And tomorrow, I’ll hit the ground running at 4:30am like I do every day. And like I have done most of my life.

so, now, instead of saying “thanks for listening”. I’ll start and, rather close this journal entry by saying…

Thanks so much for reading…

The Purge

I first began writing on the Internet, in 1984.  Back then there were no social networks.  Back then there were really no blog services.  Back then it was just the Internet.  In my life of having lived as a transgendered female which I actively begin doing in 1978, I went through a number of what are called purges.  A purge is where a transgendered female will find it within themselves and their lives to simply walk away.  Often times when a transgendered female will go through a purge it is rather a dramatic event.  Meaning that they will sometimes burn all of their clothes.  or they will give all of their clothes away.  Or they will cut their hair.  I never burned any of my clothes when I went through a purge.  But I did give clothes away.  And I suppose that my actions regarding Facebook and WordPress are very much part of a purge.  That I am getting to a point within myself and my life where I am simply walking away.

The oklahoma tornado tragedy

As I have said before. My thoughts and prayers are with the families and their loss as a result of this devastating tragedy in oklahoma. My sense is that we, as a nation need to stop fighting with each other and try to remember the name of our country is the "united" states of america.

May god protect all who are suffering not only here in our country but throughout the world.

Opening the Windows

As promised, I want to try and explain why I am moving away from Facebook and WordPress.  As I have said a number of times in recent months, the world has gotten to a place where honesty no longer is really that celebrated or highly regarded.  Just like the world no longer really appreciates true beauty or creativity.  The world has become tremendously frantic about racing after money.  Whereby money is basically driving almost everything.  The Republicans have become the absolute perfect example of cruelty and hatred.  They lie about how they are patriots when in reality they are nothing more than hatemongers.

When I was growing up in a very prominent Republican household here in Cleveland Ohio.  I made the decision many years ago that I would not associate myself with the Republican hate filled dogma of valuing money more than human life.  That was one of the reasons I walked away from my family.  I wanted nothing to do with their selfishness or their arrogance or their attitude that the poor were nothing more than tools for them to make more money.  And I am talking about the timeframe of the late 1950s.  In the early 1960s.  The Republicans were just as ugly and as deceitful as they are now.  They were just as arrogant as they are now.

Back on Track

After a lot of thought, which is how I do most things.  I finally decided I have had enough of Facebook and all the other cute little games that go along with Facebook.  I just don't have time for that kind of junk in my life.  And I came back to blogger because Google actually is more in line with my thinking then is WordPress or Facebook.  I am keeping my Google plus account because it of course is associated with my blogger Journal.  But it is blogger, where I began this journey talking about my darling Aileen and my life since she died.  So this is where I am going to put in my effort.  WordPress was simply an experiment.

After a few months I will probably get rid of my Journal on WordPress.  Additionally, the new version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 12, is actually working very well.  But there is a lot I really do want to talk about but now is not the right time.  The heat that has been going through the country is finally beginning to subside and I just need to rest for a while and then I will come back later and explain more.

Thank you very much for listening.

Movements And Expansions

Effective "immediately", this journal, Bitter Harvest, will now serve as a "resource" for my "new" and "expanded" version of Bitter Harvest, which is located on WordPress, at the following location:

http://nicole1950.wordpress.com/

The three journals that I have here on Blogger, are:

Shadows in the dark - my first journal (after my darling Aileen died).

Messages from the mental ward - my second journal (after my darling Aileen died)

Bitter Harvest - my third journal (after my darling Aileen died)

The move I am making is not the "termination" of the Bitter Harvest journal, for my darling Aileen. It is merely a continuation, as part of my spiritual journey that I am on as I make my way home. Home to God and to my darling  Aileen.

I sincerely hope that those of you who are interested in reading my journal will now direct your attentions to the continuation of the "Bitter Harvest Journal Project" that is now located at:

http://nicole1950.wordpress.com/

Thank-you so much for listening.

System Update: Dragon NaturallySpeaking, Windows Live Writer, Windows 7, Web Browsing

Dragon NaturallySpeaking:

 

Dictation Sources,

 

With Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 10 that version was the premium version as compared to Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 12, which is the home version.  So with the home version I do not have the ability to have multiple user profiles.  Which is not a big deal.  In any event, I have found that I can change dictation sources with Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 12 by simply renaming the profile and then backing up the profile.  And version 12, has a very good backup system.  Because when you go to restore the user profile, you are given the opportunity of whatever to do a restore from the very first point when it was converted or from the very last point when you back to the user profile.  This can be useful.  If you have used different dictation sources.

 

So for that reason, I have shifted away from using the Koss headset microphone which is a single-sided microphone to the double-sided headset microphone which is in fact the one that came with Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 12.  And it actually seems to be a good bit more accurate.

Reality Check

I've had a real wake-up call today.  Losing Aileen was like losing part of my soul.  There's no other way to put it.  Any wife or any husband anywhere in the world probably has felt or is feeling like me if they have lost their spouse.  It doesn't matter whether the losses as a result of disease or violence.  The loss is still as devastating.  Because there you are on your own when you were not planning to be so.

So today I am reminded that there are people who actually do appreciate my efforts.  And that really does make me feel like there are reasons for me to keep going.  And that's important.  I of course struggle with about six different types of mental illness, which I have dealt with ever since I was about 12 years old.  So I'm probably not as consistent as I would like to be.  But I try.  I do my best.

Boston Marathon bombing kills 3, injures over 140 - Yahoo! News

Boston Marathon bombing kills 3, injures over 140 - Yahoo! News

As I said when this terrible tragedy happened yesterday.  It is my gut feeling that this bombing was in fact orchestrated and executed by right-wing white supremacist extremists here in the United States.  It has all the earmarks of their behavior.  Because these right-wing extremists who are white supremacists here in the United States generally don't like to take any credit for the violent ugly actions they commit.  They just like and enjoy doing the killing.

I sincerely hope I am wrong.  But in my heart I don't believe I am.  As a Jew in America.  I have seen this kind of ugliness all my life.  And every time I have seen this ugliness.  It has come from the same type of American.  The white supremacist who is in fact a right-wing extremist.  And there are a number of groups like that in the United States right now.  And according to the FBI.  There are actually more white supremacist extremist groups in the United States now than there have been in recent years.

Winding down

Well, the news today totally was crap. I keep hoping that the news will start to show something positive going on in our country. And it every day. There's more and more evidence of bullying and racism and prejudice and hatred and polarization. And the United States is not the worst offender as far as extremism. Not by any means.

But people who are reading my Journal do need to remember that it is my job as a human rights advocate to be incisive and to be provocative and controversial. It's my job to be in your face. That's what a human rights advocate does. They present the worst-case scenario of the issues that they are talking about in order to try and elucidate to the reader, the potentiality of the human rights issue being discussed.

Computing

7 ways to bring back the PC 

I've said it before and I will say it again. Steve Balmer is nothing but a dirty filthy selfish liar. Windows 8 is nothing but a piece of crap. Windows 8 represents Steve Balmer demanding that the users of the world put up and shut up and do what we are told rather than giving us what we want. Steve Balmer is determined to ruin Microsoft just to get his own way.

Microsoft needs to get rid of Steve Balmer and then they need to get rid of Windows 8 and they need to start doing business the old fashion way which is to give customers what they want instead of telling customers what they are going to take because that's exactly the position is Steve Balmer has always maintained. That the customer means nothing at all he cares about from us as customers that he wants our money and he's going to get our money whether we like it or not. Steve Balmer is one of the worst executives in computing history.

There is no way under any circumstances that I will ever use Windows 8. Is Steve Balmer tries to force Windows 8 on my machine I will throw my machine into the trash and I will go out and I will buy a different computer using a different operating system other than Microsoft. I will not do business with Steve Balmer and I will not under any circumstances allow Steve Balmer to force Windows 8 on me.

Economics

In tough economy, fast food workers grow old

Another great success story for the Tea Party and Republican Party. They promised that with their budget cuts that economic growth would in fact accelerate which it has not. Which means they basically are nothing but liars. So now wait for them to tell the next bunch of lies trying to blame everything on everyone else even though they are the ones who went on record supporting these cuts.

They said these cuts would spur economic growth which in fact has not been the case. They're big budget cuts in all of their yelling and screaming has done nothing except ruin the entire economic system with United States and most of the world. And they are now going to live their way out of everything they can because that's all the Republican Party and Tea Party are. They are nothing but a bunch of filthy dirty criminal liars because that's all they have ever done. They have Rob this country and stolen from the American people and they gave himself a huge benefit package while taking away services from the American people. They are criminals and they need to be removed from office.

Politics

Congressman says Lauper tweets were hoax on media

So naturally this lying piece of crap Republican felt that it was a good idea to use our tax money to commit a hoax. In other words you didn't think it was a good idea to use our tax money to actually do his job he wanted to use our tax money to play a joke. That's not why we elected him to office. We elected into office to legislate but instead he's wasting our money with this joke. So why is he still in progress? He needs to be removed from office. That's the bottom line.

Pro life

'Fundamental culture change' on abortion: Conservatives make gains on restrictions

It's like I have said before. The pro-life movement is really a bunch of cold blooded killers. Because they hate women. They are trying to tell everyone in the United States that they, the pro-life movement will tell everyone how they are supposed to live. They're telling women that if they do not bear children they will kill those women. So there is really no difference between the pro-life movement and Nazi Germany. That's exactly what is going on. The next thing that the pro-life movement will do is to set up prison camps for women to force them to bear children against their will. Because that's exactly what the pro-life movement wants. They don't care about the woman they don't care about children all they care about is getting that baby.

And the reason they are acting this way is because the pro-life movement has nothing to do with Jesus and it has nothing to do with the Bible. It is all about population control. The pro-life movement is made up mostly of white Christians and they are desperate not to allow the white population of America to become the minority in this country and if they have to start killing women and murdering children they will do exactly that because they have done so in the past.

There is no difference between the terrorist around this world in the pro-life movement in the United States they're both ugly they are both extremists and they're both destroying the fabric of humanity by trying to force their views and their values on other people against their will. Adolf Hitler would actually really enjoy in support the pro-life movement because he was just as ugly and monstrous as a pro-life movement really is. They're a bunch of liars and killers who hate women who want to kill women.

And we know that this is true because every stupid bastard governor in this country who is a Republican has gone out of their way to make sure that women will die in order to give the baby because that's what the governors are doing they are making sure that if a woman does not bear children that she is murdered or she is fired or her life is ruined because these governors hate women they want them dead they just want the baby that's all they care about getting the baby they don't care about women they don't care about children they don't care about your ready they don't care about America they just want that baby and they will get that baby at any cost even if they have to murder millions of women which is what they're doing every year in the United States.

Politics

Rubio voices opposition to gun-control measures

Naturally he opposes any kind of gun control. And that's because he's pro-life. And everyone knows the people who are pro life support killing women and murdering anyone who disagrees with them. Plus he's a Republican and of course they love killing and they love violence because that's what fuels their political drive.

This is one of the reasons nobody likes the Republicans anymore because they are violent hateful racist white supremacist and they claim to be pro-life while they are in fact guilty of allowing millions of women to be murdered every year in the United States because they will not do anything to save their lives because they are pro-life but as far as they're concerned they are only pro life with regard to the fetus they don't care about children they don't care about women they don't care about anything all they want is to get that baby because that's how violent and ugly the Republican Party in the Tea Party and the pro-life movement really is.

Economics

Where do more tax cheats live? South and West, IRS study shows
Why am I not surprised? The areas that are being cited in this story are Republican Party and Tea Party strongholds. So naturally it makes perfect sense that's where most of the cheating and illegal activity regarding taxes coming from. Because the Tea Party and Republican Party hate the Constitution and they love breaking laws because they feel they are above the law. We need to get the Tea Party out of Congress we need to get the Republican Party to put up and shut up and start obeying the law and if they can't obey the law they need to go to prison whether they are members of Congress or not they need to be kicked out of Congress and go to prison if they are supporting or promoting tax violations.

The Republican Party in the Tea Party had better learn how to put up and shut up and start respecting the Constitution and respecting their job as representatives of the people. Because they are not representing the people there representing their own special interests and they are causing terrible economic problems throughout this country and they don't care. Because they hate everyone they hate everyone in this country they hate all Americans were not waiting Christian all you have to do is look at the way they behave. They are not good Americans they are not patriotic they are white supremacists and they need to be removed from office.

Economics

Dow closes 265 points lower; gold plunges

Watches the Republicans and the Tea Party City its in Congress to try to lie either way out of how the money problems are everyone else's fault. When they have been quoted on record saying that by cutting all these cause this ones for economic development and growth. Obviously they were lying. Why am I not surprised?. Get ready for the next load of bull and guilty lying coming from the stupid Republicans and the stupid teen party who are nothing more than spoiled brats because they don't care about this country and they don't care about economic growth all they care about is hurting people and ruining this nation because that's what they are doing.

No wonder nobody likes them. No wonder nobody wants to have anything to do with the stupid lying Republicans and this stupid lying P party spoiled brats. No wonder nobody wants to trust them no wonder nobody likes them because they are nothing but filthy dirty liars and they have caused all of these economic problems and they know what and they are now going to live their way out of it. Watch as it happens.

Disgusted

I have to say that with the way that the tea party spoiled brats are acting and with the right wing extremism of the white supremacists in this country, meaning the United States, that I am completely and totally disgusted with the people in my generation. When I was growing up I got to learn about racism very early in my life. I actually saw the ugly side of racism and prejudice as early as when I was just eight years old. And as my biographical profile listed on this page. Clearly shows, I have been subjected to racism and bigotry and prejudice. Most of my life for either being a Jew or for being a halfbreed Jew or for being a transgendered female.

Live updates: Explosion near Boston Marathon finish line | The Lookout - Yahoo! News

Live updates: Explosion near Boston Marathon finish line | The Lookout - Yahoo! News

Our nation.  And I would hazard to say most of the world, has gone completely stark raving stupid.  There is no excuse.  And I don't care what group we are talking about, for this kind of disgusting, ugly behavior to take place in this country.  And I am quite sure that the people who set off this explosion are probably right wing white supremacists who claim to be Americans.  But they are acting like nothing but dirty rotten criminals and filthy bastards who are more interested in destroying things that in allowing anything to go forward with any kind of peace and quiet.

But I don't want to cast aspersions against any one particular group since no one has come forward.  But I will say this, if it turns out that this action was committed by Americans that it's time that the United States government start taking action against these violent right-wing extremists in this country.

System Update: Dragon NaturallySpeaking 12 And Other Issues

Dragon NaturallySpeaking:

I have to say that Dragon NaturallySpeaking 12 is not a disappointment.  It really is a much better version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking that I have used before.  Furthermore, it does not have all the extra baggage that previous versions of Dragon NaturallySpeaking used to have.  It does expand to a rather large size when it's running.  It's up at about 476,000 K.  But still and all, it does really run extremely well and the issue about shockwave flash inside Firefox has been resolved.  Because with Dragon NaturallySpeaking 12, the home addition, the virtual C runtime routine is not necessary.  And so as a result, it seems that Dragon NaturallySpeaking 12 is actually going to be a great improvement.

It does take a little getting used to.  But that is going to take place over the next few hours as I take care of petitions and do some news stories.

Other than that, I really do like the responsiveness of the program and as I said, it really does appear like it's going to be a great improvement and give me a lot of help.

So for right now I'm just going to go ahead and restart my machine and get everything all set up to go.

I'll write later.

 

Out Of Breath

I am so fed up with the selfishness and the childish asinine behavior that so many people in Congress and in our government are demonstrating. The whole pro-life movement has nothing to do with the Bible and it has nothing to do with Jesus Christ or God. The entire pro-life movement is about nothing more than population control. The white Christians realize that they are the minority in the United States and they don't like that. So their attitude is that they will beat and kill every single woman in this country who is a white Christian if she refuses to bear children. Because the white Christians are desperate not to be the minority in the United States and if they have to cut women open and steal their children they will do just that. If they have to beat women in the ground and cut them in pieces just to get that child that's what the pro-life movement will do, because the pro-life movement has nothing to do about Jesus Christ and it has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with white supremacy.

House Republicans aim to weaken gun bill, focus on mental health - Yahoo! News

House Republicans aim to weaken gun bill, focus on mental health - Yahoo! News

This is a very good example of the Republicans doing what the Republicans do best.  Blocking legislation.  Because the Republican mentality is that they are not concerned with being good public servants they are concerned only with always being better than the next person and always trying to play the game of one upmanship.  They have to be better than everyone else.  Their egos are so damaged and they are such horrible examples of human beings that the only thing they can think of doing when they are in fact, public servants is to destroy any legislation they don't like.  Because as far as they are concerned, no one else has the right to make any legislation in this country except Republicans.

Scientists find Antarctic ice is melting faster - Yahoo! News

Scientists find Antarctic ice is melting faster - Yahoo! News

Everyone likes to laugh at me when I talk about global warming.  And yet the reality is that when I talk about global warming.  I'm actually doing nothing more than repeating the statements of some of the most brilliant scientific minds over the past 100 years.  These are the same scientists that the world gave lots of awards to for their discoveries.  So all of a sudden now that the scientists are now talking about global warming.  The world does not want to believe them.  And of course that means that the world was acting hysterically and is in denial.

Because of the world thought enough of these scientists to give them all these great awards.  Then why is the world turning their back on the scientists when they talk about global warming?  The reality is that we are in fact propelling and catalytically increasing global warming as a result of what we are doing to ourselves and to this planet.  And if we don't take more responsibility regarding how we relate to each other and to this planet we are going to see rather severe climate changes taking place.  Such as an increase in the water levels in coastal areas.

Gun debate revives questions about self-defense - Yahoo! News

Gun debate revives questions about self-defense - Yahoo! News

Everybody likes those adventure films or those crime films, where the good guy pulls out a gun and does away with the enemy.  We all have those romantic images of ourselves being some kind of super secret agent, where we have a gun and we are valiantly protecting our home by using are going to either kill the intruder or make sure they don't come around.  These romantic images are extremely far from reality.

Because the reality is that when you are confronted with someone who has a firearm.  And if you also have a firearm you do not have any time whatsoever to arbitrate within your own mind as to what you are going to do.  There is no time.  You have to be willing to make the decision to pull the trigger and kill the other person and you have to make that decision within a matter of no more than a couple of seconds.  Because that's the reality.  You have to be that dedicated.

Florida battles slimy invasion by giant snails - Yahoo! News

Florida battles slimy invasion by giant snails - Yahoo! News

This has to be a very good example of humans behaving so stupidly that they end up causing major problems for humanity.  We humans love to have pets.  It's something we sink bonds us would've the other animals.  But the fact is that some of the animals that we are making into pets are actually causing major damage.  So either we are going to smarten up about how we relate to other animals.  Or we are going to see more infestations like is taking place.

If we don't start controlling our environment.  And if we don't start protecting ourselves.  We are going to be overrun by the various animals that we are bringing into areas where they normally don't exist and where there are no natural predators and then we are going to have even more significant problems.  All because we humans love to have pets.

We are, by our own actions, making our living environment more dangerous to ourselves and more difficult for all of us to survive in.  We need to start working together as a population so that we do not eliminate these animals species but so that we contained them in the areas where they naturally reside so that they do not affect areas where they normally don't exist to the extent where they are causing danger to human life.  It's just that simple.

Either we will smarten up and wise up or we will in fact end up having many more problems.

Setting up Shop

I have to say it's almost a little a Christmas. And I'm not sure why

. After perhaps years, meaning the last 2 1/2 years, of struggling. It seems that suddenly things are starting to fall into place. It's almost too good to believe. One significant thing that happened was that I received the vacuum cleaner extension that I needed in order to clean the air conditioner. And once I did that I decided to turn on the fan inside the air conditioner. And this basically causes the air conditioner to act like a kind of air purifier.

As a result, I have slept better than I have slept in years

. And that brings me to remembering something that I think I must have forgotten. That's the only explanation I have. And that is that when Aileen was alive, we used to turn on our air conditioner in the fan mode during the winter months and we did so in order to get rid of any of the particulate matter in the air. And so after using it for just one night. I have actually slept better and have had no breathing problems whatsoever. And it's remarkable. Because I did not have any breathing problems during the night. Which sort of indicates to me that the source of my breathing problems are that the filtration system in the furnace may not be as good as it needs to be. Or that there is just a certain amount of extraneous stuff in the air that still is left over as the heater is kicking on.

On the Road Again

I have been going back and forth regarding whether or not I was going to continue to maintain my Journal here on blogger as primarily private or completely private or to go back to making it public

. At the request of a friend I have gone ahead and decided to go back to writing in my journal. I needed a break.

The good thing is that I have decided no longer to individually notified the servers on the Internet

. That what I'm going to do now is to allow blogger to notify the servers. This will mean as far as the Internet is concerned, that my Journal will take longer to become noticed on the Internet. And that's fine. Because I have always believed that artificial notification of the servers actually causes more problems or a Journal than giving the journal any kind of benefit. Because when you artificially notify the servers of a Journal entry below are actually doing so a lot of times when an individual servers may not be oriented toward the type of Journal entries. You are writing. Which then makes the Journal entry somewhat inappropriate to that server. So in some regards, this can be looked upon as being counterproductive to the success of a Journal. In actuality, this has been an ongoing discussion in blogging for many years. But I maintain that the best way to get a Journal knows is simply to do the writing. And that's what I intend on doing.

Standing Firm

Well it's been a very interesting couple of days

. Finally tomorrow my check will be available. And I will be able to get the one medical bill. That has to be paid and I will also be able to take care of getting some of the things I need for this month. And life will go on. Because of how problematic it is becoming trying to get anywhere or get anything done I'm going to be doing a lot more buying on line than I have in the past. Which is perfectly fitting and appropriate.

The eyeglass industry has basically failed me

. Because I really needed to give this one pair of glasses repaired. And yet, the one place I took the glasses to be repaired was not able to do so. Like basically they just don't care. And that's okay. Because it's not like it used to be five or 10 years ago. People actually use two want to be helpful and people actually wanted to try and be is service. The people are really interested in being of service anymore and are not really interested in being helpful. Because all people care about anymore is. They don't really care about anything else. They just care about money. It's all anyone ever talks about. It's all anyone ever tries to get. It's just money.

Putting Things in Order

Okay.  I have discovered some things with the BlogJet program.  The actually don't work as correctly as maybe they should.  But for the most part the BlogJet program works a lot better than Windows live writer.  So for that reason, I will be using BlogJet as my editor.  I don't like using things that are either a lot of work order to work properly.

 

Taking my Journal also grids for about a week was extremely necessary.  Because as I said in my previous message.  Not only do I have to do that in order to be able to break the cycle of spam.  That was being associated with my Journal.  But I did that in order to psychologically regroup.  With regard to how I want to do this Journal.  Because that is part of the equation.  It's actually the major part.

System Update: Comprehensive

I regret and am sorry for any ill feelings that my abrupt departure may have caused.  But it was at that point necessary for me to step back and take a kind of break.  Additionally, I began to notice in the activity of this Journal more spam related interest the general interests.  So I wanted to adjust that factor of this Journal.  And the way that I did that was my first making this Journal completely private.  Then, what I did was, in the various editors that I was using, I have removed all of the notifications going out to the different servers.  Whenever I would post anything.

Doing this has achieved two basic in its.  On the one hand by making my journal private.  I have removed the Journal from the search engines on the Internet.  And additionally, by removing the notifications of the different servers from the blog editors.  I am thereby giving the notification of the journal over to blogger itself and how blogger that supplies information to search engines.

Breathing Problems

I began to have breathing problems this evening at about 6:15 PM. And that was about one hour ago, because it is now 7:15 PM

. Getting through this last day of the month is literally one of the hardest things I've had to do recently. But now at least I have a savings account, which I actually can use to try and save a little money. Which I'm going to do. It may not be much. But I'm going to set up an automatic payment to the savings account. So that every moment a little bit more is added to the savings account automatically.

And now because Netflix is actually running so well

, thanks to advances to care professional, I'm watching more Netflix but I have before.

The effluvia really has given me an upset stomach

. So I'm going to have to eat something. Because if I don't I'm just going to get sick. I'll be right back.

Turning the Corner

While it is clear to me now that Adam has been coming by not because he's interested in seeing me but because he has no place else to go

. Evidently he and his mother are not getting along so when he doesn't have anywhere else to go he comes here, which is why he does not spend very much time over here. Because he only comes here when he doesn't have any other place that he can go to. It's good that I found that out now.

Gaining Momentum

Well it seems that what I have done with my system is perfect. The problem with my computer has been that old Microsoft mouse software and in addition. I had my security program tell a rated incorrectly for the new camera I was using. So both of those things have in fact been resolved

.

So the idea that people can read my Journal if they send me their e-mail address or give me an e-mail address they wish for me to use is pretty much perfect. Because that way of my Journal down is not visible to anyone other than those who actually want to read my Journal

. And by sending out those invitations that means that anyone who actually does want to read my Journal, who is part of the e-mail list will then be able to do so. And it also means that I don't have to trash the pages.

Best Foot Forward

Okay if I have everything sorted out.  And I've got everything position to weigh it needs to be.  I can't really do any Journal entries using Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 10.5 into IE 10.  I'm going to have to wait until I get Dragon NaturallySpeaking 12.  But I can still dictate into BlogJet.  And I don't know, but I'm trying to see if I can do a kind of preview inside of BlogJet.  That's something I'm still working on.  Part of the reason for some of this is because the Journal has become somewhat private.  And as a result, it is harder for these blog editors to get information on the Journal from the Internet since the journals are being hidden from the Internet.

Starting out Again

I have made the Journal now somewhat open.  Meaning that I have selected certain e-mail addresses they can actually have access to my Journal.  And that's the way I'm going to leave it because of how this one set of neighbors of mine is in fact behaving.  There can be no other way.  They are using my Journal or were using my Journal to spy on me and I'm just not going to put up with that.  I can't.

You Are Always With Me My Love...

always my darling Leen. that's what we said. Always. And always it will be. One day at a time. Just the way we lived our lives. always being happy we woke up. woke up and had each other. Woke up to the feel of each other in each other's arms. The feel. the fragrance of us. That special cent that made us always know that we were home. And of course our extra heartbeat. The one we both had. Each other.

I'm making my way love. slowly but surely. sometimes doing lots of bumping into trees. But then you're there. Right by my side. Reminding me that the best part of falling down, is getting back up.

I love you my darling Leen. And my love grows larger every single day. because you are no longer in the shell of a body. You are now in the shell of life, or God. Or whatever it is that people want to call it. You are part of everything now. And so much loves grows as well.

Onwards my dear. Ever onwards. together. My hand to yours always….

Godspeed my darling Leen. Godspeed….

 

Green Meteorite May Be from Mercury, a First

Green Meteorite May Be from Mercury, a First

 

Not to sound like the person that might be looked upon as the detractor in all of this. But because of the fact that at this point, they aren't 100% certain of its exact location. It comes to my mind that in all of this we need to consider the multidimensionality of the thesis brought forth by Dr. JB Rhine, where in he said that the Tesseract was actually a shadow of a four dimensional square.

Additionally, we also need to take into account the multidimensionality aspects of Newtonian metaphysics.

As long as we are actually going to be open-minded about the actual location of this particular item from space. Ford reality, it might actually have been caused by a multidimensional change going on in space itself. Which would mean that it might have actually come from a planet in a different dimension through some abnormality or some type of change in the universe at the moment it became visible.

That is if we are actually going to pay any credence whatsoever to Dr. JB Rhine stasis, which was of course the Tesseract. And to any of the multidimensionality aspects of Newtonian metaphysics.

Changing My Focus

When you're having a tougher month, where you are slowly running out of everything

. The last week of the month. And that first week of the new month really becomes one of the hardest times to get through. But in the positive side is that next Wednesday and I will have my check. And then I can walk to the local store and pick up a few supplies that will get me through until Saturday. Meaning the following Saturday one I can actually go shopping with my neighbor and get my glasses repaired and everything else.

The Other Part of The Equation

I miss my darling Aileen. I miss her so much, tha the pain of losing her, and not having her in my life could be the one element, or issue that could take me out. It could be the one thing that is so painful that going on will either become literally a test of will. Or it will become so painful that going on will just not seem worth it anymore.

But I know that most of what I am feeling tonight is due to this month being the month when she was first diagnosed. And the month when she almost died on March 21, 2010.

In my entire life I had never been so frightened, as I was on that night. I had never known fear like that in my entire life. Never.

And try as I do. Putting that one memory, or any of the other really hard memories, out of my mind is just impossible. No matter how hard I try. No matter what I do. Those memories just never go away.

The memories become stronger and a bit softer, or not as powerful, depending on what time of year it is, due to when the actual event took place. So it's a kind of constant tug of war with my heart. With my life. One moment feeling like I can continue. Like I want to continue. Like I need to and must continue. Then, suddenly the memory of one thing or another comes on me. And suddenly I not only feel like there is no reason for me to want to keep on living. But I feel like I truly don't want to keep on living.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Neverending.

The Maschkes and I really don't get along much anymore. they pretty much don't like me. And I just don't feel that I can ever be what they want me to be. And Claude is consumed with his life. Evelyn with her's. And there is so much suffering in the world. That the reality is that my suffering really doesn't count for much. Which is as it should be. It would be highly insulting for me to ever compare what I am going through to any of the millions and millions of brilliant men, women and children who are dealing with so much more, and tougher things.

so then I end up feeling badly about myself for even talking about what I am going through. And then, I realize that I really don't have anyone to talk to. No one except here in my journal. And then of course I realize that I am being so very self-consumed. Which I truly do not want to be. Yet, I can't get free of these really horrible memories of seeing the one person who I love more than anything in the entire world, die right in front of me. And there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

So then I think that perhaps I should just move away. Go somewhere else. That's what I did when the others in my life, friends and  family died. I just packed up and went to live somewhere else. Someplace where I could free myself of the painful memories of loss. And it helped, of course. But I can't do that this time. I'm not as young as I was. I don't have the mobility I used to have. I can't make a living for myself anymore. So, I'm … well, I'm just here. Day after day, after day, with the one thought buring into my brain and into my mind and heart and soul.

She's still dead.

So I know that I probably look like a fool. Stupid. Retarded. A freak, or a host of other dumb things. Hell. I probably look like a hate monger to some. But, the truth is. I'm just me. Deeply hurt. Suffering a pain so huge in my small and rather unimportant life. That the pain is so large. That I struggle by the hour just to try and find the will to keep going. so I play games with myself. I tell myself that there are things that need to be done. I make myself sechedules to get everything done. I tell myself that I work. where I consider this journal a kind of work. Where i make a living. Except that I really don't make a living at all. But am merely existing on the kindness of strangers. And then, I just end up feeling that I'd given anything to just hold her in my arms again. And then I feel that if I di, I'll go back to my darling Aileen and to God. so then I beg God to please let me die.

the physical pain that I deal with is pretty much just ugly and tough. But the other pains. the ones that come from losing my darling Aileen. Those are the ones that truly bend me and literally turn my life and my entire soul, inside out.

I know that most will look at me and call me stupid. That most will say I should just get over it. I wish I knew how. I really wish I Knew how.

I'm going to sleep. to sleep. To dream. to feel my darling Leen near me. To smell her hair. Feel her heartbeat. To hear her laughter. And see her smile. to feel her hand on my shoulder, and her arms around me. to be able to rest my head on her shoulder and just take a long slow breath.

There is a way through this. I know that. I just haven't found it yet. Perhaps I'll feel better in the morning. Perhaps not. But perhaps I'll at least have more stamina to deal with all of this.

I'll just have to see what happens….

 

 

More PTSD

Anyone who has been reading my journal knows that I actually am suffering with PTSD or posttraumatic stress disorder. And that the major form of my PTSD actually comes from that year I spent in the hospital in 1968

. But in addition to that again, those who have been reading my Journal will also know that I encountered a second type of PTSD, which actually came from the eight months I was taking care of my darling Aileen.

So it's important to understand when thinking about or looking at or dealing with PTSD that triggers come in many forms. Including times of the calendar year

. Now considering that Aileen was diagnosed with liver cancer on March 21, 2010. And that on March 21, 2010. Aileen basically almost died that night. Her condition was so serious that they really didn't even think she was going to make it through the night.

System Update: Blogging

I have been going back and forth over whether to continue to write personal Journal entries in my journal.  This has actually been one of the most complex decisions I have had to make recently.  Because it deals with whether or not, I feel that what I might write personally could have any kind of benefit to those who are reading my Journal.  And of course the answer is at least in my mind, that there is, to some degree, a benefit from people being able to read some of my private journal entries.

Groups Balk at Paying $1.3 Million Cop Killer Reward

Groups Balk at Paying $1.3 Million Cop Killer Reward

 

what a terrible lesson to give to our children.  Here we have adults who made an offer in good faith.  But then when it suddenly becomes inconvenient for them, they are teaching our children that it's okay to go back on your word.  Meaning it's okay to be dishonest in business dealings.  Meaning it's okay to lie.

 

And we wonder why our children are growing up with crappy values.

1 home destroyed in Washington state landslide

1 home destroyed in Washington state landslide

 

How sure are we that fracking did not or is not playing a part in some of these mudslides and sinkholes?  Have any studies been done to see whether or not there is a connection between FRACKING and some of the instability we are seeing in the surface of the Earth?  And if it is found that there is a connection between FRACKING and some of these instabilities in the ground.  What does that mean them?  Does it mean that the people doing FRACKING will basically turn around and say that they don't care about how much trouble is going to because as long as they get their money?  And are we really willing to do that kind of damage to the planet.  Just so that someone can make money?

 

Humanity had better wise up.  Because humanity is now beginning to do so much damage to the planet because of our collective greed and selfishness that if we don't stop our current behavior we are going to end up really destroying our own world as a result of our selfishness and our greed, along with the other negative aspects of our cumulative or collective behavior.

 

Taxpayer shell out nearly $3.7M for ex-presidents

Taxpayer shell out nearly $3.7M for ex-presidents

 

what's interesting in this story is that there was actually some legislation to limit the amount of money that act president would get and was actually set up in such a way so that it would be fair.  Not only to the ex-president but fair to the American people.  And what is the point of all of this is that this particular piece of legislation died in committee.

 

So why did this piece of legislation die in committee when in reality, the legislation really did seem to be a very fair proposal for how to deal with the rather expensive and possibly exorbitant costs that the American people realize as a result of how the ex-president's get so much money and spend so much money of the taxpayers funds?

 

At a time when the requester is on everyone's mind.  Doesn't legislation that actually might level the playing field for how much money taxpayers have to pay for ex-president also seem to be something that should be on the table?  And isn't this appropriate, especially at a time when the Republicans are accusing the president Obama of misusing public funds whether Tripp for his daughters.  But at the same time, the Republicans are not mentioning how the Republican Party and other members of Congress after they shut down services throughout the entire United States basically took the money that was being saved and used that money to give themselves the largest benefit packages the history of the United States.

 

So the Republican Party did not basically steal that money from the American people so they could give themselves a huge benefit package.  Then of course the question begs to be asked.  Where did they get the money?  And why is the Republican Party refusing to answer where they got the money to give themselves that large benefit package?  What are they afraid of?  Did they in fact do something that was in fact inappropriate?  Because it was not inappropriate, then why are they refusing to say where they got the money for that large benefit package?  And why are the Republicans criticizing president Obama for the trip for his daughters when the Republican Party does not have the honesty to come forward and explain where they got the money for the large benefit package that is being given to members of Congress?

 

I mean, if we are really going to be honest about all of this then why can't the Republican Party be honest as to mark what are they afraid of?  The only thing that comes to mind when someone refuses to answer a question about their activity is that they are probably hiding something.  So the Republican Party does not want to answer, or refuses to answer why they gave themselves up to large benefit package.  Or where that money came from.  Then it obviously means that the Republican Party is either afraid of telling the truth.  Or that they are trying to hide something from the American people.  So again the obvious question is, what is the Republican Party trying to hide?  What are they afraid of?

 

Honesty works both ways ladies and gentlemen.  And if the Republican Party can't be honest with the American people doesn't that mean they can't be honest with themselves?  And is that really the kind of person we want serving in the United States Congress?  Do we really want people in the United States Congress who will use subterfuge and deception rather than being honest with the American people?

 

Olive Garden's Good Deed Sparks Reddit Controversy

Olive Garden's Good Deed Sparks Reddit Controversy

 

I wonder why when someone does a good deed that we often times question the motivations of their good deed.  Why is it so difficult for us to trust the goodness that we as human beings have the potential for doing?

 

If the best we can do is to go out of our way to never trust the goodness that we have the potential of doing then what does that say about us as human beings?  And what does it say about our future or our potential?

 

If we as human beings are going to continue to question any acts of kindness than perhaps as a result, what will happen is those acts of kindness will begin to become diminished.  And I don't believe that would be a good thing to happen.

 

The sequester

Rep. King criticizes vacation for Obama daughters

As long as the Republicans are slamming Obama for spending excess of money during the sequester then why are they not also complaining about how the Republicans are giving themselves the largest benefit package in the history of the United States while taking money away from the American people?

Issues and Answers

While it was a very interesting interview. It was like I suspected

. I basically am really still very functional. And in actuality, I am actually to functional to be able to qualify for the kind of assistance that the service would in fact offer. So that left me basically with a couple of choices. Meaning I was going to have to somehow or other find a way to pay for transportation to see the various doctors I need to see. Or I would have to see if there was or if their are any other transportation services that I might be able to take advantage of were to be able to use.

And I have made a few phone calls and it appears that there are some services that I do actually qualify for

, in the way of transportation. So that basically means that I do have the kind of transportation assistance that I actually do need to have in order to be able to get to the Dr. And that is extremely good news.

Dancing with the Dragon

Because it is usually difficult for me to talk about my medical conditions, at least with most medical people.  I have made a list of all of my medical conditions to augment the medical papers I need to show to the representative for the service today.

 

I really hate doing this.  I hate having to talk about or explain the jump that I have to deal with, when I have to do so to anyone in the medical profession.  This is because most of the time medical people have become to a certain extent desensitized to various types of medical problems that people suffer with.  And there in sensitivity is purely as a result of the continued exposure to.  They have two people who are suffering tremendously.

Doubling Back

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, under any circumstances.  But this actually has happened to me several times in my life.  I would get to a point, in my life, where I would suddenly feel that what I was doing might in fact be inappropriate.  And then, out of the blue, someone would say something or someone would ask me not to give up.

 

And that's what happened today.  Someone I have not heard from in many many years, wrote me and said to me that what I was doing with my Journal, regardless of whether I was talking about myself for not, that a great deal more to do with other people that I might even be aware of.  They basically said that it was good that I was being as honest and his open in my Journal as I was.  Because they said that doing so actually was helping other people.  And they urged me not to stop doing personal journal entries in my main journal.

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Campaign Investigated By Ethics Watchdog

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Campaign Investigated By Ethics Watchdog

 

I've always said that the tea party was the most courrupt and totally criminal political party I ever have seen. So, naturally with this news story all I can say is…

Hey… Madame. It's called Karma!

wise up America. The tea party is a bunch of racist liars who are stealing from the poor people of this country in order to give themselves the largest benefits package (as reported by the international press) in the history of this nation. They get rich using our money. While they take money from hard working Americans and put them out of work. Nice work if you can get the chance to “steal” that money from the general public and then get away with “lying” about it.

Of course, in this case, it looks like the “head liar” is being found out for the criminal that she may in fact be. And that I have always maintained her party was, and I believe, still is.

 

 

Teen With Terminal Cancer Heads to Prom on Ride Through Bucket List

Teen With Terminal Cancer Heads to Prom on Ride Through Bucket List

 

When I was growing up, with my adopted father being Jewish. My adopted mother being Catholic. (and of course my brilliant birth mother being “born” a Jew). I usually was not only going to Temple on Saturdays (the Sabbath). But I went to Catholic Mass on Sundays, a lot of times. And what's remarkable is one single thing that this story reminds me of. It's just amazing.

I think I was like 12 years old. (Yeah. A lot of stuff happened when I was 12. LOL). But one thing that happened that I've never talked about is how, on one weekend. On Saturday, i went to Temple. And I listened to our Rabbi. Rabbi Abbel Hillel Silver talking. And then, the next day. Well, this time it was my Aunt Helen (my father's sister). I went to Catholic Mass with her.

And the remarkable thing was that both my Rabbi, and the Priest said, at one point in their sermon, in essence, the same thing.

They said, and I paraphrase, 'It's during the darkest times that humanity faces, that the light of God inside of humanity shines the best…'.

You know. I said in my last message that I was going to be an emotional wreck after all this stuff. But in a good way. Reading this story. Yup. It reminds me of that one weekend when i was 12. Listening to the Brilliant Rabbi Abbel Hillel Silver, and this amazing Priest at Mass the very next day, in different parts of the city, saying the same thing.

That event impressed me so much. That have always believed it was true. No matter how dim the world around me got. I always knew that there was light somewhere, if I just looked around.

And here, in this story, is a brilliant example of that light.

Bravo! Truly… Bravo! Well done. I hope you have a spectacular prom Katelyn Norman. And like I said, earlier today. I sort of pray a lot these days. There are so many who are just needing for us to take moments to do just that. Thank God. And ask God.

Katelyn. Please know you, and your family, like so many others, are in my prayers and in my heart. And I just know that my darling Aileen is not far away either. You have a super prom.

And, by the way. You look fantastic! Your eyes and your smile say it all!

Godspeed…

 

 

Jack Nicholson’s Former ‘Five Easy Pieces’ Co-Star Karen Black Crowd Funds Cancer Treatment

Jack Nicholson’s Former ‘Five Easy Pieces’ Co-Star Karen Black Crowd Funds Cancer Treatment

Cancer is touching everyone these days. Of course, my darling Aileen battled brilliantly against the horrible ravages of liver cancer for 8 months. The hardest 8 months of my entire 62 years of my life.

If I keep this up, I'm going to be emotionally just spent. But in a good way. Again, my eyes are just welling up with tears. to see such an outpouring of kindness when someone is facing their darkest hour. this is truly “good” work. It's truly in my mind and my heart and soul, not only good work. It's “God work”. The light in all of us, where we know, 'there but for the grace of God go I'.

I pray a lot these days. I mean. There's a lot of souls in our world who are facing such tough suffering. Such hard times. So I pray a lot. And I can say this for sure. It's a supreme honor to pray for Ms. Black. My darling Aileen always loved that movie (Five Easy Pieces), with Jack Nicholson. In fact, it really was one of her favorite films.

Thank-you Karen Black for all the wonderful years and years of love and happiness you have given us. And I wish I had money. Which I don't. But so what? What I do have is my heart and my soul. And Ms. Black, they're yours. You and your brilliant husband and your family and friends, will always be in my heart. To my dying breath.

Just remember what I always told my darling Aileen Ms. Black.

“Nobody knows nothing!” Okay? And that's right. My motto is God made you. And what you have now is not between you and any doctors. It's between you and God, who I always call, lovingly as, “the old man”.

I hope, and I sort of think I'm probably right on this, Ms. Black.

We're all there, right by your side. You're not alone my dear. don't ever feel you are. For when it gets a bit breezy. Just look over your shoulder. And you'll see all of us. right there. Walking with you. Always walking with you.

Godspeed …

 

Starving sea lion pups stranding in alarming numbers on Southern California beaches

Starving sea lion pups stranding in alarming numbers on Southern California beaches

I've always felt that if we, humanity, can't be honest about our duty as custodians of each other and this world, then perhaps we don't deserve to have this world.

If we can't do something to help these “other” animals here on earth who are dying so greatly. What does that say about us? What does it say about our understanding of being custodians of this world. Not the owners of this world. For I have never felt that we were, or are.

In my mind, heart and soul, we are custodians. And that means not only custodians of the amazing resources and treasures of this world. But custodians of each other, and the “other” animals, like us, in this world.

I pray to whatever energy there is beyond this world, that we all call by so many different names as God. That we, as humanity, will understand that if we do not respect our duty as  custodians of this world and each other, and all the animals of this world. What does that say about us, as one of the life forms, one of the many animals of this world?

It's not about accepting what you think you can do. It's about reaching up, and taking that leap. That leap inside your heart, your mind and soul. To find out “what” you can do.

And I just know, in my own heart and soul, that we can do better. I just know it.

 

Private-sector salary for public employee

Private-sector salary for public employee

I can't help but wonder how many students are going to have to go without that extra meal? Or how many students are going to have perhaps use a used school book, instead of a new one? Or how many students will have to share lab equipment instead of having their own? Or how many students are going to have walk to school, instead of being picked up by the school bus?

Just so that this  public servant can be paid so much so that she can claim she's one of the wealthy.

I'm 62 years old. And I'm nothing to this world. Just a very small and insignificant little soul in the world. But, to me, no matter how many years I have left, (and in my way of thinking if the good die young, I'll be the last soul on earth throwing rocks into the ocean… LOL).

But really. I've been disabled most of my life, in one way or the other. And the one thing that always got me going was … going to school There was so much to learn. so much to discover. So much to take in. I was, and still am, like a sponge. Sitting on the counter top. (I actually wrote this when I was at Southern Arizona School, in Tucson, Arizona, when I was just out of the hospital, when I was 19.). A sponge. Soaking up every drop of learning I could. And the more I soaked up. The more I wanted. And the more I learned. The more I knew how little I knew.

so tell me. Is this the best that we, as adults can do for our children? I mean, to take money that they could use, to learn better. And have the equipment that they need. The school books. the lab equipment. The sports gear. The extra meal. Or the better pencils? Is this really the best that we can do?

And if it is? What then?

My take? Make her give most of the money back. If she's really an educator. Then let her show us that she is. If she really cares about the students. Actions speak louder than words.

One of my favorite mottos has always been. I came up with this when I left college to learn on my own.

To give someone an answer is to maintain their stupidity. But to give someone a qiuestion is to celebrate their intelligence.

 

Homeless man who returned engagement ring reunites with family

Homeless man who returned engagement ring reunites with family

When I was homeless for the short time I was. Which was a long time ago. someone asked me how it was that I became homeless. All I could tell them was that I just got sort of got lost.

I am so happy that this man has found his way home. So happy. It's deserved. And it truly is doing the greater good.

For most of the homeless, don't stop and think that they just want to become invisible and become homeless. It just happens. And they, like me, sort of get lost. And most of the time. Well, most of the time, it takes someone. Just one person. someone who sees that they are lost, or perhaps trying to find their way. And then just helps them to find their way a bit easier. Again. My eyes well up. When I think of some of the brilliant friends I've lost in years past who were homeless. Who died without being able to find their way in such a huge world. or the millions of children and amazing men and women, the world over, who are so often stumbling. It just brings huge tears to my eyes learning when someone does really do it. Find their way home.

Again. It's deserved. It's right. It's doing the greater good. And to me, no matter what or where or when. In my heart it is truly showing ourselves and each other, that doing the greater good is really … “doing the greater good…”

Congratulations Mr. Billy Ray Harris! I'm so glad for you. So extremely happy… !

 

Cheerleaders' act of kindness is quickly repaid

Cheerleaders' act of kindness is quickly repaid

I've met and known a lot of different people in my life. But I've only met two people with Down Syndrome. And both times, I came away feeling that, at least from my own experience, I had actually seen the face of, or one of the faces of, God. I did meet some amazing young children during my year in the hospital in 1968. which is why, all of my life, and especially since 1969, anyone who has ever known me knows that I have always felt that in the smallest grain of sand, of the least of those among us, the whole of God can be found.

Seeing such an expression of love and kindness on the part of these young women, and their coach. Well, it makes me smile. It's brilliant! It actually brings tears to my eyes. Because it shows that true kindness and compassion have not left our world.

I salute these brilliant young women for opening their eyes and seeing the value in all their fellow students. And of course, my heart just swells with happiness knowing that this young lady who deals with stuff that most of us will hardly ever understand, is having the chance to reach beyond herself, to find out not only what she can be. But being able to do so with the love and support of her fellow students.

Yup. That to me, is truly the hand of God in action. Absolutely!

Bravo!

Thrill seeker dies at towering Corona Arch, made famous by YouTube videos

Thrill seeker dies at towering Corona Arch, made famous by YouTube videos

Having begun climbing mountains when I was 8 years old. And having climbed every mountain range in the “continental” United States. I can honestly say that I have never treated any aspect of any mountain, or it's extensions with this kind of disrespect. Nor did I go out of my way to “dare” life to try and “kill” me. I always have, and always will, respect mountains for what, to me, they have always been, and always will be.

The hands of God on earth.

My heart and my prayers go out Kyle Lee Stocking's family and friends. This is so sad. So unnecessary. So tragic. And such a waste of time and energy. If we can't respect the mountains of this planet. It is no surprise to me, how easy it is for us to “not” respect ourselves of the life that God, and/or life, has given us.

 

The Best Guesses About What Apple's iWatch Will Look Like

The Best Guesses About What Apple's iWatch Will Look Like

Okay. Let me get this straight. At a time, when people are losing their homes. At a time when people are having trouble getting any medical care at all, because the republicans are determined to “murder” poor Americans, so  that the republicans can pay for their new benefits package, and give money to their rich friends. At a time when 2/3 of the homeless in America are American veterans. At a time when Cancer is at it's highest level in history, while the “murderous” republicans are telling cancer patients to eat crap and die. As the republicans work hard to take as much money away from the poor as possible. Again, so that the republicans can pay for their benefits package that is the largest in American history.

Okay. At such a time as this, Apple decides to come out with a new idea for a new toy. And one that will probably cost so much money that only asshole republican bastards who are stealing money from Americans will be able to afford such a thing.

so… good idea?

Or just another example of the wealthy being selfish, self-serving, pigs, who are trying to see how much more money they can take from families who are already having a hard time paying for food for their children. Again, so the republican assholes can pay for their benefits package that is, according to the news, the largest in American history?

America! Gotta love it! The only nation these days where everyone loves the wealthy and everyone, thanks to the murderous filthy bastards of the republican party, now hate the poor.

 

Wounded Iraq Vet Prepares to Die, Saying He's 'Ready to Go'

Wounded Iraq Vet Prepares to Die, Saying He's 'Ready to Go'

Having suffered with PTSD since it was first diagnosed at University Hospitals of Cleveland, in 1989. And having suffered with constant pain 24 hours a day since 1968. I stand in total solidarity with this brilliant and courageous member of our armed services. It is a true honor to know that this brave soul has stood in our defense. And has made that choice with his life to protect all of us. And now, with this ultimate choice that all of us face. My heart and my prayers go out to him, his family and his friends.

Godspeed Thomas. Godspeed…

Taking A Hidden Path...

This is my last "personal" journal entry in this, or any of my two other public journals, effective immediately. I have slept on this. And thought about it a great deal. Due to the fact that there are people, in my neighborhood, who are reading my journal with the intention of trying to spy on me. And given the fact that in 2 1/2 years, of keeping these three (3) journals, only five (5) people have even responded, with none of the responses having anything to do with anything I have seriously written. I do not see the point in doing any more public journal entries.

So what is here, will stay here. What I shall write, as I said, effective immediately, will go into another journal, that is going to be private.

As the first line states. This is my last "personal" journal entry. I may, and probably will, on a daily basis, post news story journal posts. But the volume of each post will not be what it has been in the past. I have more than fulfilled my promise to my darling Aileen by providing these three journals. And by my continuation of posting news stories to this journal on a daily basis. But, as to my private life, and the journey that I am on, spiritually speaking, will now be private.

If anyone is interested in communicating with me. I urge them to do so by email. Or, as strange as it might sound, those who are reading my journal can also "comment" on my journal. This of course has hardly been done in the 2 1/2 years I have been writing.

But I am sure, that I continue to post news stories that eventually someone will comment. Perhaps not. No problem.

Now my journey goes forward, without spectators.

No matter what anyone may think or say. I have always loved every single person in this world, past and present, regardless of whatever they may have done to me, or anyone. For I have never under any circumstances, had any form of hatred for any human being. I have never hated what I have known in my soul, that God has made. But behavior is something that we each make by our own choices. And therefore we can't blame God or anyone for the choices that we make of our own free will.

Therefore, it is the choices that humans make, whereby, as a result of those choices, any violence against, of the killing of any human takes place. I have been a pacifist all of my life. And I shall remain so, to my death. Nothing, and no one can change  this aspect of who and what I am have been.

Though my news postings, I will endeavor to continue the human rights effort that my darling Aileen and I did for 18 wonderful years. And, in the news postings that I shall do on a daily basis, I of course will include aspects of my life, and my darling Aileen's life, where, and when pertinent. But as to personal journal entries. Those, as stated above, will now be private.

I refuse to present my life in any way that might be mistakenly construed, or misunderstood. Or that those in our world, with hatred in their soul, might use to try and deliver negative energy into my life, or anyone's life. And because, as I said, there are people in my neighborhood who have so much hatred for me, that they are reading my journal as a way of spying on me. I am now choosing to no longer give them, or anyone, the opportunity to steal from me, or to attempt to invade my life, without my consent or permission.

I am sure that those who are following my journal, and who actually do like me, will not be disappointed with the manner in which this journal will continue. Just as I am equally sure that those who have hatred for me, are going to be rather angry that they are not going to be able to spy on me, or to be able to use anything I might say or write, against me. My take is. That for those people, since they have such ugliness in their own lives. Let them keep their disgusting ugly hatred. Because I refuse to lower myself to their base and extremely repugnant level of anti-social behavior.

So it is onwards and forwards...

Thank-you so much for listening....

Point of Order

I'd like to clear the air about a few things

.

1. With the exception of my left knee, and a few injuries I sustained through the years

, most of what I am dealing with is as a result of my own choices. Let's get that straight right now. I'm the one who made the choice in 1968, to have the doctors do the spinal fusion operation on me. So all that is happening to me right now as a result of that operation is as a result of my own choice. Not what anyone else did to me.

2. I have never once nor will I ever, compare what I am going through to what millions and millions of amazing men women and children are dealing with every single day, including neighbors in my own neighborhood

. Nothing I'm dealing with matters. Because what I'm dealing with, for the most part, is as a result of my own choices. And I take full responsibility for those choices.

Easy Breathing

I'm just recovering from one of the worst breathing problems, episodes, which included choking

, that I have had for over a year. And I am totally convinced that this actually happened as a result of the changing weather. It lasted for just about an hour. But at least it's over. I actually felt like I was suffocating. Which I can tell you is not a fun experience. In any event, I am finally able to breathe easier. The reason I'm saying that I am convinced that it was as a result of the weather is because the choking episode basically involved an acute sinusitis reaction. And because of the impending snowstorm, I just know that is why I was having a sinusitis reaction.

Even though I have basically sealed the house

, that does not mean that the house is completely airtight. Because that of course is impossible. So consequently, some of the environmental changes taking place in the general area are bound to affect my breathing issues, at least to some degree. In any event, at least I'm finally able to breathe. And I want to make this very clear. It only felt like I was suffocating. When in reality, that was not the case. Because I could still breathe through my mouth. But with the sinusitis reaction I was having, of course my nasal cavities were basically filling up with effluvia.

And that of course was meaning that the effluvia with streaming down my throat

. Which then made it more difficult to breathe through my mouth. Even though I could still do so. And as I said, it's just now beginning to clear up. Furthermore, I know that this is really a reaction to the where. Because I'm not the only one who has been having breathing problems. At this time of the year based on the changing weather conditions.

In any event, thank God

, is finally beginning to clear up. And again, I was not suffocating. It only felt like I was.

As I said, it is now just beginning to clear

.

Truisms

Well it seems that I don't need to use the walker hardly very much at all. Only I guess when my legs are a little unstable. And when my right hand is acting up

. My legs are for the most part extremely strong. It's just my left knee and my left hip. The are really the problem. That and my right hand and my right arm.

So the reality is that using the walker actually will prevent me from applying more pressure to one side of my spine than the other, which is rather important

. So under those circumstances, the walker is actually preferred or preferable to the cane. Because that is the other side of the argument. I have to always be careful not to apply more pressure to one side of my spine than the other. And in reality, I don't really need the cane, unless I'm going to be a on my feet for a good bit of time.

Mile Marker

I want to apologize for the post I put up earlier today in the middle of the night

. I was basically not completely awake. And I have been having my own set of physical issues. I really feel it's inappropriate for me to even talk about whatever difficulty I'm having. Because there is so many others to or dealing with so much worse. But at the same time, this is my Journal. And I don't really have anyone else to talk to.

Jumping off a Tall Building to Test the Theory of Gravity

When I stop and think about having lived for over 62 years in this life. I oftentimes become speechless

. It's like just beyond incredible. I mean there are no words that I can ever write or use that will ever come close to explaining how devastating it is in so many ways, emotionally, having lost my darling Aileen. There's just no way. And yet what's remarkable is how synchronicity is so much a part of the human experience. I mean, it makes sense. When you think about the nature of the universe and start going in the direction of quantum mechanics and quantum physics and Newtonian metaphysics. You really begin to understand that there is a real synchronicity to just about everything in the universe. Even though at first glance, it doesn't appear to be so.

Guns

NRA scores victory as Obama appeals court nominee withdraws

The killers for Christ win. They get to keep their guns so that they can go o. Killing in the name of Jesus. Even though Jesus was a pacifist.

Mental illness

Criminal justice system's 'dark secret': Teenagers in solitary confinement

America's answer to dealing with the mentally Ill. America either kills us. Or they drive us to suicide. How unChristian and barbaric.

Education

Sequestration forces NASA to hold up educational and outreach efforts

Another demonstration of how the right wing Christian extremists are waging war against education.

Guns

Search warrant: Same ammunition used in Texas shootout and slaying of Colorado prisons boss

What a surprise, not. The killer is from the pro life state of Texas. As I have said before. Texas defines pro life by how many people they kill.

Up...

I'm watching one of the very last movies that my darling Aileen and I watched together, before she died. “Up”. We laughed. We saw ourselves. And then, she said, she saw me. Alone in our house.

She kept telling me that my life would take off after she went to the other side. Of course she was wrong. My life didn't take off. It just sort of stumbled along. But then again. Perhaps it  is sort of taking off. Or maybe it's just in flight. My life in flight. On it's way home. To her arms. Home.

Watching this movie makes me remember. It makes me remember a lot of things. Her laughter. Her smiles. How she would start giggling, and then break out in laughter. The cosmic clown. That's what my Leen called herself.

Then, in the movie, this little boy comes by the house, and basically pesters the man, to the point where they become friends.

So the movie is really just one of our stories. How we had plans. We had planned on growing old togethre in this house. But instead, … well, instead my darling got sick. She got really sick. She was partially right. She always said that we'd both grow old in this house. Our home. And that togethre we'd always have this small little house. Not a big house, or a fancy house. Not one that would ever been in magazines. Just a house. In a poor neighborhood. Just 8 rooms. But, for us. It was our home. She died protecting this house. And died tried to pay off the mortgage.

Now I'm left. Finishing the mortgage. Trying to find my way in the world. Trying to find my way without my compass. Because my compass in my life, since the instant I saw her eyes, and smelled her skin, and felt her heartbeat. My compass was her. My Leen. She was my compass. She was the wind in my sails. She was … and I believe in my heart and soul, still is, my guiding light.

to say that I miss her doesn't even come close. To say that I have to fight every single day just to find a reason to keep wanting to live, again, doesn't even come close.

I try to be even keeled. But, when someone comes into this house, if they show any kind of disregard or cavalier attitude, any at all. Well, I just sort of lose it. And I bluntly tell the person, or people to just get out. Of all the things I can't stand, and I truly try to stand as much as I can. But when it comes to these 8 rooms. This one plot of land, and my Leen. That's the one thing, I just can't ever let happen. The one thing I can't tolerate. In a world filled with uglieness and racism. I only get really angry when anyone shows any kind of disregard or cavalier attitude to or for this house. Because it's like they are treating Aileen that way. And as God as my witness. I just can't stand that. I just can't. So I have become very careful about letting people into the house.

Most people just don't really understand. They just don't. Some of the neighbors in my neighborhood have a kind of idea. Because they see me working on the house during the summer all the time. And they sort of do understand. That to me, and my darling Aileen, it's not just a house. It's our life.

Of all the reasons, or ways I can think of dying. Well, I would be honored to die defending the Constitution of our nation. I would be honored to die helping a police officer, or a firefighter, or a soldier, or a teacher, or just about anyone. I'd be honored to die, helping someone in need. But, in reality, I'd be not only honored, but totally complete, following my darling Aileen. Dying for our home.

And that's probably what will happen. I'll die for this small litle house, just like she did. I know that God is keeping me alive for that. I know that God has some reason for keeping me going. And I'm sure that this little house is part of that reason.

Are you watching the movie with me, Leen? Remeber? Remember what you said. How you laughted. Remember our favorite part? The ending? Well, my dear. I'm still here. So just watch with me. Watch and feel me my darling. Feel me as I feel you. And we'll just keep going. One step at a time. And when God thinks the time is right, you'll look over your shoulder, and there I'll be… no cane… whistling… coming up right next to you.

I love you my darling. More than yesterday. Less than tomorrow.

Godspeed my darling Leen .Godspeed…

 

Solid Steps

Well I've got pretty much everything sorted out as far as setting up the new android phone

. I still have one account that I'm trying to work through. But, it shouldn't take too much longer to finally get that one resolved.

And I finally have the rest of my system pretty much settled

. Which is a big relief, because I can now finally get back to having a kind of daily rhythm my life. Additionally, some time this next week I should finally hear from that service that has been. And then of course I will find out if I can actually get the different doctors appointments that I need to get to resolve some of my health issues.

Reorganization

The last few weeks have been really very strenuous

. That long 6 mile walk really did take a lot out of me. Mostly because of the sciatic nerve damage in my left leg. In addition to the difficulty that my hips are having. But I have finally begun to stabilize. And I am slowly getting my life back on track.

With the coming of April. I finally will get some of the things accomplished that I have had to wait for during this month of March. So of course my glasses are finally going to be repaired

. And I will one way or the other, work out the transportation requirements so that I can actually get to see a doctor more regularly. And I finally have made all the preparations necessary to make sure that as the warmer weather approaches, that any of the insect and other critter type infestations. Next door will under no circumstances be able to invade my home.