Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?
This is the sign that is over the front door of Aileen's and my house, our home, going OUT. Meaning that when someone leaves our house they are going into the ACTUAL Mental Ward.

I've always felt that way. When it is considered how much ugliness and killing and hatred there is in the world today, it actually makes perfect sense that this sign is over the door going out of the house.

Because that's where the real mental ward is.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Adjusting Reality

11:04 AM, EDT:

I did two of my more regular types of meditation where I basically then meditated myself to sleep.  And as I did I was listening to, and am still listening to, the movie, the wonderful world of the Brothers Grimm with Laurence Harvey.  As I said before.  It's actually one of the more act you read versions of the movie.  It's actually the most act version.  Because it tells about the relationship between the two brothers.  And it also discusses how the one brother, who was really the author of the fairytales actually did become rather sick where he almost died because of how he was always going through the countryside trying to write down and learn more stories that he could bring into print.  It's also a very good movie for calming any kind of turbulent feelings or conflicted feelings that I have not only because of the music, but because it's basically about writers.

So I'm slowly feeling a little bit better.  And that means instead of making any more excuses.  Which is at least it seems rather down.  And I don't want to say or rather I didn't mean what I said earlier that I feel that I talked about my feelings in my Journal.
Being selfish.  That's not what I really mean.  I just don't think that talking about my feelings or focusing so much on my feelings is a very good idea.  Because there are some parts of what I have going on inside of me that are just not ever really going to be resolved.  They can't be.  Given the fact that I went through what I did.  And that I have this hysterical amnesia.  There just are things that are never going to be resolved.  Regardless how much I would like to be so.  It's just not going to happen.

So I'm starting to feel a little more grounded.  Although I'm still sort of tired.  That's just because I didn't get much rest last night.  And the weather outside is just another day of pure insanity.  I will do an air quality report here in a moment.  As soon as I'm done with this Journal entry.  And I will move on with doing the petitions.  And we will see what happens.

No one ever really comments on my Journal.  But then I have not made it easy for people to do so.  And part of that is because I know that there are people in the world for whatever reason don't really like me are like anything about me and actually hate the kind of writing I do.  But that's just part of doing human rights.  So I know about that.  And I don't mind.  But I would rather not see ugly, hateful comments coming into my email.  So I don't make it easy for people to comment.  And I have set things up so that if someone wants to comment the actually have to use the their email address to communicate with my email address in order to do so.  And that way.  I also prevent or at least minimize the anonymous hateful commentary that is all too often what happens in our world.

Plus, I also realize that talking about my transgenderism generally makes a lot of people very nervous.  Which is why I hardly ever do so.  What's the point?  Those who understand will.  And those who can't never will.  And it really doesn't matter at this point in my life.  Anyhow.  I've shown everyone pretty much the inside of my home.  So I don't really have much to show anymore.  And then the basement.  And the second floor.  And there's not much to see.  It's quite clean upstairs.  But in one room.  There are two desks piled with stuff.  One desk has a lot of Aileen's papers from when she was working in the other desk has a lot of stuff that we had and used together.  While she was still alive.  Eventually I will summon whatever I need internally and mentally to go through all that stuff.  If I live long enough.  But other than that there's not much that is upstairs.  I still have all of her clothes in her closet upstairs.  I don't go upstairs much because it's just uncomfortable.  So I don't do it.  I'm feeling better.  Not quite as emotional.  So I will probably go through and at least sign petitions.  I may not do any news articles today.  What I will do an air quality report.  And then I will probably go through and at least sort the mail.  Then I may go back to sleep.

I'm just sort of fighting to have any kind of energy right now.  Part of it is the heat and humidity.  I mean, the weather outside is absolutely abysmal.  It's 78° with 75% humidity.  So it's definitely not comfortable.  And finally, on Wednesday and Thursday we get a break with some sunshine.  But that's on enough time for me to do any of the outside work.  But at least Thursday when I do the shopping sunny and not a rainy.  So that's something.  I'm still sort of groggy.  Because I still feel sort of lousy.  But that's okay.  That's something that I am in control of.  I'm the one who chooses how I feel.  So I just have to sort of reposition my thinking.  I'm not having flashbacks and I didn't have any major nightmares while I was sleep.  The least I can't remember them.  And they were not significant enough to knock me off balance.

I don't know how people look at me.  I mean, I suppose that there are a lot of people look at me positively that's the impression I get.  And that's fine.  I am grateful for that.  Absolutely.  It's just not a real comfortable time.  And then I realized as I was beginning to meditate.  That under the reason my this time of the year is actually so uncomfortable is the most obvious reason, which of course I wasn't even paying attention to.  I was operated on September 1, 1968.  Today.  And I'm definitely not going to talk anything more about it.  I don't need to go there.  I already did that last night and it wasn't any fun.  So suffice to say that today is whether I want to admit it or not, the anniversary of the day in 1968 when that 7 AM.  I didn't even think I was going to live are not.  I have no idea.  It's one it all began.  It's one everything completely changed.

And as I remember that now.  I of course makes perfect sense why I have so much difficulty with this time of the year.  Because not only is it the time when Aileen was struggling much more than she had in the earlier months when we were basically running out of time.  And running out of hope.  But it's also a time when I went under the knife.  When they cut me open like a piece of fruit.  When as I have always felt all my life.  They took a huge chunk out of me even know that's not the case when they were done my back was never able to build muscle anymore.  And that has always made me feel like they took a huge piece of my body out of me.  Because what they did saved my life.  Absolutely.  So I'm grateful for that always have been.  But I've also always felt like reached inside and when they were done.  I felt like I have lost a whole section of my body.  And I know talk about it more than that.  Because I always feel that way.  That they basically took a huge section of my body out of me.  Even though that's not true, that's I always have felt.  And if I talk about it.  I get.  Sadly emotional.  Depressed, I cry.  And it's just not a lot of fun.  So I just don't talk about it much.  There's no point.  Aileen and I agreed that when I would get that way I was basically just feeling sorry for myself.  And I don't like doing that.  Besides, in my mind that is truly selfish.  Because I'm not really pushed to the point where I am clinically depressed because of it.  Because I'm not.  And I never lived my life that way either.  I ignored my back.  Mostly.  Not to the point where I was never conscious of the dangers or what I had to do or how I had to move.  I just ignored all the other stuff.  Because it was easier that way.  Wherever I was living hardly anyone really understood so I just didn't talk about it.

At least I didn't talk about it in the way that I did last night.  Or are doing now.  I would make one line explanations, and things like that.  And then just let it go.  And that's what I'm going to do now.

I will at the least do an air quality report that I will do.  But I might not even look at my email.  I'm at that point where I need to let my instincts take over.  To do exactly what my instincts are telling me.  And my instincts are saying not to rush.  Not push myself faster or farther then I have to.  So I won't.  And in all likelihood I will be better tomorrow.  So I'm not watching anything on Netflix.  I'm just watching movies.  I have on my direct TV DVR.  And keeping my sugar levels balanced.  And resting.  Obviously, from last night in this morning I am highly emotional.  And that has to be hard for people to read.  I mean, there's so much suffering in this world that I just don't feel comfortable always focusing on me or ever really just comparing me to anything I don't think that's fair.  I think that's really stupid.  This Journal is my Journal.  So it's the only place I have the talk about me.  So I do.  But I don't ever really like talking about what I'm doing live as if it is anything really significant.  Because if I do that, then in my mind.  I'm not showing respect for the millions of men, women and children who are dealing with things that are so much worse.  So I end up feeling like my stuff really doesn't matter at all.  Which is probably true.  I mean, most of what I have is mental.  I am mentally ill.  I always have done for many many years.  So it's just part of the territory.

11:46 AM, EDT:

I went to get a cup of coffee and to do a little vacuuming.  Bilbo is sound asleep on the chaise lounge and is now sort of waking up.  Because it is really hot and humid out.  But I try to keep everything is clean as possible.  Because with four cats.  Otherwise I will end up having a reaction to all of the Dander, and all of the Hair and that's not a good thing.  In this movie the wonderful world of the brothers and room.  It's right near the end of the film where the one brother, played by Laurence Harvey is very sick and all of his characters are coming to him as he is delirious reminding him that without him, they will cease to exist.  And they are asking him to give them names.  And is not really sure what to call them.  Because he hasn't really written their stories yet.

I always like this section of the movie.  Because as a writer.  I definitely identify with it.  But now I am having a second cup of coffee and I'm slowly feeling a little better.  And that's a good thing.  So maybe I will go through my mail.  The giant in the movie is telling Laurence Harvey, one of the brothers Grimm that if he dies that they, the characters will never be born.  So they are asking him to give them names.  I can definitely relate.

And the amazing thing is that after he does this he comes out of his delirium and falls on the floor in the fever is broken and he gets better.  And I can definitely relate to that as well.  Humans are storytellers that's what we do whether we doing it in the local barbershop where we are visiting with friends or in the beauty salon or at the grocery store or around the fireplace at home with our children.  That's what we do we are storytellers.  And it doesn't matter whether we are famous, or just anyone because humans are storytellers.  It's part of how our collective psyche works.  And now the characters are telling him that they are going to fade into forgetfulness if he dies.  And he's pleading with them.  Not to go.

So I don't like really feeling sorry for myself.  Even though I sometimes or maybe lots of times do.  And I don't like that.  But it's just part of what happens.  So I focus is much as I can on other things.  Some days are better than others.  Sometimes I do better than I do on other days.  Which is why I'm glad I don't really have lots of people who are like friends, visiting all the time.  Because I don't know.  I could meet their expectations on daily basis.  It takes enough energy just to go out and do it when I'm out shopping.  And then it takes even more energy when I'm going out to work on the house.  But on a day like today, there is no way in the world.  I'm walking outside.  Not unless someone comes by and firebombs the house.  But I don't think they will have to because it's so hot.  All they have to do is breathe hard in the house might just catch fire on its own.  I mean, the humidity outside is just not comfortable at all.

That second cup of coffee.  It's as good as the first when you have woken up from a nap.  I mean, it is like rocket fuel.  That caffeine going into the light is just like absolute rocket fuel.  So as I'm waking up.  I'm starting to focus a little more.  I feel like I've been a really bad dream for almost the last several hours.  I almost can't remember what I was writing this morning or last night.  Although I can it's just sort of fuzzy.  Which is normal.  Believe it or not.  When you have PTSD that is a normal thing.  Because when you come out of a series of flashbacks you don't really remember everything.  You remember some of the things that not everything.  So a lot of us who have PTSD.  When we come out of a series of flashbacks.  We always feel to one extent or another, slightly embarrassed because we are sure exactly what we said, heart exactly what we did.  Which is why if you are married to someone who has PTSD, you have a lot of emotions to deal with.  Because depending on the stage of PTSD that someone has if they are in the early stages then there flashbacks are severe.  Where they can completely lose their orientation where they might not even know where they are.  I know that's true because I went through that stage.  That was back in 1989 through 1990, or about 1991, was actually 1990.  It lasted about a year.  Where when I was having a flashback I could be right in downtown Cleveland where I then thousands and thousands of times and I would know where I was.  Nothing would look familiar until I looked at a street sign.  And then I would have to look at it for several seconds and then I would suddenly know where I was.  But I would have to focus.  And it was always hard.

So of you are the way for the husband or the sister of the brother or the sun or the daughter of someone who has PTSD, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  Because you have seen it.  And it's to say the least very unsettling.  But it's just part of it.  And then as you make your way through the stages of PTSD you finally get to the stage where I am, which is advanced PTSD, where by that time, where this time where I am.  And I that time were other PTSD sufferers are you are in a place where you have lots and lots of coping skills.  So that you are fairly used to getting flashbacks and you know that when you do what you do is simply take a step back.  You rest you allow your thoughts to collect.  And then you slowly feel a little better.  But when you are having those flashbacks you don't really remember everything.  So there's always that feeling inside of yourself that you may have acted badly, or might have embarrassed yourself.  But if you're in the stage where I am, you then develop a kind of sense of humor were you laugh at yourself about it.  Because you are no longer in the midst of having flashbacks and that always feels really good.

You are you no longer being beat up by of the dark demons those dark memories that come out of the shadows like an army of angry people with club's beating on you from every direction.  That's sort of like how it feels.  Sometimes.  And if you have a sense of humor you are thinking inside yourself.  Well, this is not fun.  So I must've had a choice.  Right?  I mean, I must've had a choice as to whether I was going to experience this, or something else.  Right?  I mean, there had to be a choice.  So was I like just not thinking or what?

And then you laugh at yourself.  Because that's the best way of getting through it.  Your sense of humor.  Plus a good cup of coffee is definitely like rocket fuel trust me, it's just like the absolute best.  So, of course, when the environment.  It's even worse.  And if we lose the ability to grow coffee.  Which is what they're working to prevent right now.  Because I've actually read three different reports about that over the last two weeks.  But if we ever get to a point where we don't have coffee anymore.  I said to one of my neighbors a few days ago I was out doing the shopping and we were talking about that.  And I made the remark, saying, well, if we thought we were crazy.  Now just imagine how it will be.  If there's no more coffee.  And my neighbor looked at me and their eyes got really be.  And they said, I don't want to think about that.  And I said, well, of course not.  Have you seen that movie with Will Smith called legend?  And they evidently don't have a problem with that movie.  I do they don't.  So they did.  Or I mean, they have seen the movie.  And I said then, well, just think about that.  Because if you have any sanity.  You will be the one inside that apartment where all those steel shutters and the rest of humanity will be wandering the streets in a complete insane chaotic manner.  Because there won't be any coffee.  And then we both started laughing.

So I'm not looking forward to a world without coffee.  And of course, I've also read articles that there is a problem with tea.  Well, at least with GMOs in tea.  And that gives to a completely different level of craziness.  But this cup of coffee.  That's just what I needed.  It's like the best medicine in the world.  Rocket fuel.  So now that one movie, the Brothers Grimm has finished so judging from the extremely interesting last 36 hours.  I've had I'm putting on the movie with Rod Taylor called the Time Machine.  Because it makes the most sense.  Because our world is exactly right there.  This ongoing war.  The war that never ends.  Where we are basically trying to blow the hell out of the planet.  Because we are so interested in war.  And I like this film.  Because I definitely identify with HG Wells.  I mean he gets into the Time Machine thinking he's going to finally get away from all the war and all he finds is that the war just keeps going on and on and on.  And then when he finally goes far enough in the future.  He finds that we didn't end up killing more enlightened.  We became cannibals feeding off of each other.  Which totally ruined his day.  But it's sort of the perfect movie, especially when I'm doing human rights because the reports are just like that.  I mean, it's just one tragedy after another.  Which is the reality of our world.  Every minute they die.  Every single minute every 30 seconds women, my sisters, our sisters, our mothers, our daughters are having their lives completely destroyed, where some of them will not continue.  Some of them will become so lost inside of themselves that they will take their own life.  In so many different ways.  And a lot of times the world doesn't even notice.  Because there's just so much tragedy in the world so much sadness in the world.  So many lives in desperate need.  So many children suffering so many children starving so many women being destroyed so many brilliant men who end up crushed within themselves where they just can't even continue.  So that in United States every 15 minutes.  Another child or adult ends up so desperate so terrified so scared out of their wits.  They can't even trust themselves let alone trust anyone else.  So that the only thing that comes to their mind is a desire to leave.

And I know that feeling, very well.  Because I have thoughts of suicide, at least five or 10 times every day.  I never act out on any of them.  At least not yet.  Because I have in the past.  Or almost did.  The time in the hospital was what I call an artificial environment in artificial act of suicide.  Because it was created.  I didn't create the circumstance.  It was created for me simply because of medication that was given to me by mistake.  That's all.  But there were times when I was right there.  Or I had lost all hope where I did trust anyone, including myself with a desire to leave was so strong that I didn't care what happened.  As long as I could leave.  And the very first time that happened was when I was four years old.  Believe it or not.  With a bottle of aspirin.  And I can't say that doing that set the tone for my life.  Because I don't think it did.  But it definitely taught me in a very young age that there were two different sides to my parents.  Although it four years old.  All I knew was that there were two different sides of my parents.  That's all I knew that's all I understood.  It wasn't until I became like 12 years old, that I began to understand the difference.  Because when my parents were so very eager to fix the scars on my face on the right side from the attack.  But didn't want to do anything to fix my leg that was a really clear signal of how they were different of how they had two different sides.  Because almost a whole year when they would see me limping the remark of calling me damaged goods would come up every so often.  And I don't even think my sister was even aware of them saying that because they didn't say it real prominently, but I heard every word.  So I don't know if anyone else ever heard them saying that because like I said they didn't say it real obviously, but when you are the target of those words someone else might not here.  Those words.  But you hear every single one.  Because they are about you.  So I was 12 I definitely knew the difference of the two different sides of my parents.

So I do understand how people feel when they are at that moment when they lost every single thing inside of themselves, and all they want to do is leave.  Like I said, I have feelings like that generally about every few hours.  But after all the years.  I generally just laugh.  Or I make a joke.  Because even though I have those feelings.  I also have this hysterical fear of death.  I know that sounds really stupid.  But it's true.  Dr. Gottesman and I believe that I have this because I actually did die in 1968.  So that I don't really want to go back there.  And we've talked about what happened during those five minutes several times over the years.  Initially he was absolutely convinced it was a form of psychological malfunction or a psychological phenomena, but he's not really convinced of that anymore.  Because he accepts that there actually might be something else.

So it's my hysterical fear of leaving of death, it keeps me from moving from one point to another in that singular argument that people get to in their lives.  It's like I have all the desire but I'm not able to carry through with the desire.  Which is okay.  But at the same time I don't really think that if I suddenly disappeared from the world of the world would really care.  I mean, all of you who are my readers care about me a great deal and I know that.  Because I can feel it by whatever process you might want to sing or however you might want to define it.  I can feel it.  I can feel it extremely well.  So I know there would be people that would feel bad if I said they were in the world.  And yet where I'm living people probably wouldn't even care.  They might care for a few days or they might he surprised, but that would be a.  And that's fine.  Children are dying every minute.  And a lot of them Diane.  Nobody even knows there are no TV cameras rolling nobody's doing a news story about them, and every minute they die from being murdered or starving to death or lack of medical care.  Just like every 30 seconds.  Another woman in the United States is having her life destroyed and again, highly anyone notices the police in the area might be there helping her to escape, but a lot of times is never reported on in the news.  I do have a news feed the tracks.  All of these domestic violence occurrences.  It's almost like a police scanner.  But in news form and so it doesn't report on every single one.  Because that's practically impossible.  Because these incidences are happening every 30 seconds.  So it's impossible to report on every single one.  So there are women who are being destroyed every 30 seconds.  And many of them.  Nobody even knows about.

So if I suddenly work in the world.  I would probably be no different than any of these amazing souls.  And I'm not amazing.  I'm just saying if I work here.  It would probably be no different than any of these children are men or women who suddenly end up not being part of the world.

So it doesn't much matter to me.  I'm the one responsible for how I have so my life up.  Nobody else is responsible for that.  I could be inviting someone into the house to live with me.  But I don't really feel very comfortable doing that.  Because most of the people in the area are not really very nice people.  They really are very nice in one way, but another ways they have lots and lots of stuff they are doing with lots of trouble.  Lots of pain.  And what I need more than anything is probably not what I will find.  Someone like my darling, Aileen.  Someone new actually can watch over me or take care of me or the that shoulder for me to lean on.  And that's probably not going to happen.  Which is okay.  It is what it is.  And that's fine.  I mean, you have to be really real with yourself.  Because if you're not then things just don't work very well.  So that's what you do you end up being relieved real with yourself.  Because you have to because the alternative is not very pleasant.

And that coffee is definitely making me feel better.  And that is a good thing.  I finally had to take off my shirt or my blouse and my slacks.  Because it's just really humid outside and hot.  I can't wait to look up the air quality.  This is going to be interesting.  If it's in the green.  I will be really surprised.  And I don't think that will be the case.  So I will look here in a moment.  That coffee is definitely helping.  I mean, it's just great.  I have this other headset microphone that might actually be more accurate than the one I'm using.  So I'm thinking of connect that one instead of the one I'm using.  Because it might just actually work better.

So….

Let me do that.  And then I will come back.

Stopping at 12:27 PM, EDT:

1:41 PM, EDT:

Now I feel a lot better.  First of all this other headset microphone is a lot more accurate.  It does not have a control switch in the line.  Which is okay.  Because I have slightly moved around a few things in my den so that my keyboard is right actually next to where I'm sitting.  And as a result, it's a lot easier for me to turn the microphone on and off with a single keystroke.  So that is a good thing.  Additionally, I also, as I said moved a few things around in the den to make it a little more convenient and easier based on some of the changes I have made.  And this microphone is actually a lot more accurate than the other one.

And that will make things a lot easier.  So I promised to take a picture of how my den looks now that I've made these changes.  But you me a couple of days and I will definitely put a new picture up.

So the first order of business is that I need to do a little vacuuming in here and then I also need to take up the tape that is holding down the runner rug in front of my chair.  Because I'm actually going to nail it to the floor.  It just makes more sense.  Because the tape doesn't really hold very well on the hardwood floor.

Once I am done with that.  I will then take a look at the petitions and my email.  I'm slowly coming back into focus.  I don't know what else to say.  It just happens.  And those of you who have loved ones who are dealing with PTSD, you will know exactly what I'm talking about.  And for those who don't.  Maybe you have a friend who has PTSD.  My PTSD was not because of something really heroic.  I didn't do anything really brave.  I just get really sick.  And I was going to die.  And then I saw things that no one should have to see.  And as a result, my mind just basically began to have problems because of what I saw and what I experienced.  I didn't to it on purpose.  It just happened.  Just like I didn't lose my memory.  Because I was trying to.  It just happened.  But my PTSD is definitely not from anything heroic.  It's just because I got sick.  And I didn't mean to get sick.  It just happened.

So in any event, like I said, I am definitely starting to come back into focus.  And thank God for that.  That's always a good thing.  I mean, life is hard enough as it is.  But when your mind starts to go sideways then life gets even more difficult.

So I will do an air quality report here within a few minutes.  I just need to get a little more coffee and fix this runner rug in front of my chair.  And then I will get started.  I have one very good friend who is in the nursing that I call.  She is a very dear friend and having a hard time.  So I want to make sure that I have her call just to say hello and see how she's doing.  I'm not able to get out there to see her, but I can at least give her a call.

So it's onwards and upwards, ladies and gentlemen.  I guess the best thing you can say about the last 36 hours is that I sort of got lost.  I got into that part of the dark forest where I just for a little while got lost.  But it's okay because I found my way out.  So I'm still moving forward.

Thank you.  To those of you really care about.  Thank you so much.  You don't have to say anything.  Because there really is a miracle of life.  You can be all the way on the other side of and when you love someone, you can just feel when they are in trouble.  You just know.  It's because in reality really are all connected.

So thank you.  With all my heart.  Thank you so much.  And remember I didn't only promised, Aileen.  I would keep going.  I really did not.  I promised all of you that I will keep going.  Also.  And there are promises that you make in your life that you are not able to keep and then there are others that no matter what.  Those are the ones you always keep.  And so it is with you.  So it is with my darling, Aileen.  So it is with the sacred nine.  Just like it is with my grandmother.  Promises you make that no matter what you just keep.  You don't ask why you just keep those promises.

Thank you.  Thank you so much.

I send good energy and high hopes for happiness, good health, and all good things always to everyone.

Blessed be.

The mind is like a book.  Opened and much is learned.  Closed and nothing is learned.  (Nicole Maschke, 1994)










Checking My Pulse, Again

7:42 AM, EDT:

Had I not gone through the rather, to say the least, strenuous evening regarding having a memory come at me like it did last night...  And had I not listened to that one song.  This morning, I need someone to love.  I would not have had another flashback like I did this morning.  Which is probably the last thing I needed.  It's okay.  Like I said last night.  I don't know why I felt I had to look at Finian's rainbow but I did.  And I shouldn't have.  Just like I should not have watched Ella enchanted this morning.  But that's exactly what I did.  I don't know why.  I never know why.  So I was a result, I have a flashback this morning.  Which is the last thing I wanted.  But it's okay.

So now I'm watching on Netflix a rather cool movie called, Miss Pettigrew.  It's a really cool British film.  A girls flick.  But see, that's the other part of me that is difficult for most people to recognize, acknowledge, understand, or have any compassion for.  Because most people look at other people and see exactly what they want.  They don't see what's really the case.  Or reality they see pretty much just exactly what they want to see.  And nothing more.  So there's something more to a person they definitely do not look and see that.  Because they don't want to.

Which is why the only real women.  Meaning biological females, who have any kind of sensitivity for me.  Having more of and being more, female than male are women who do not look at their own femininity as a competition.  But look at their own femininity and are comfortable with it, and they celebrate it.  That's not how most women live.  Most women live with that undercurrent of competition.  So it's hard enough for them to compete against other eligible females, which then makes it almost impossible for them to deal with a man who is more feminine then mail.  Because it's already hard enough for them to compete against other women, and they can't even stand thinking about having to compete against a man for femininity, which is how they look at their own femininity.

So consequently, when someone is transgendered like myself and they are male like myself the amount of individuals who have any come passion for them in any way decreases dramatically.  Because it's okay for people to have compassion for someone who is mentally ill and suffering they go through, but it's a whole different story for them to have compassion for someone who is mentally ill and at the same time is a male who is transgendered.  Meaning the mail tends to live as a female.  Which is why there are just about as many females meaning biological females who will attack a male who is a transgendered female as there are men who will attack a transgendered female.  Which is why people like myself who are in fact more feminine and more female than male end up having very, very few friends.  And definitely have hardly anyone in their life at all.  Because there just aren't that many men or women who can look at someone like myself and not see what they want to see.  But who can look at me and see what the reality is.

Which is just what happened with my mother.  Because she had difficulty looking at things and seeing what they were because she was always looking at things and seeing what she wanted.  My father on the other hand, if he would not have been interfered with by my mother probably would not have had hardly any difficulty seeing me as what I am a transgendered female whether I put myself together or not.  Because that is what I am.  And it doesn't matter whether my hair is short and it doesn't matter how I appear.  I'm just more female than male and I will probably die that way.  And that's fine with me.  Because I don't have a problem with it.  It's just that most people do.

And that's why I don't talk about it much here in my Journal.  Because I'm never really sure how many people really understand or are willing to understand.  So I just don't talk about it.  Because I can deal with all sorts of retribution and I can deal with all sorts of hatred.  Because I've dealt with that most of my life.  But dealing with hatred for being something that is very deeply a part of me is just a bit much.  Especially after I've lost about everything I could possibly lose in the world.  After losing Aileen.  There's not much more than life can do to me to hurt me.

That's why I hardly ever talk about what I'm wearing, or what I do with my hair.  Because there's just no point.  Because when I do most women will see what they want or hear what they want.  Just like most men will do the same.  So of I say the wrong thing.  Or if I'm really honest about how I live my life than most women would get angry because they don't look at their femininity as something to celebrate.  They look at their femininity as something that is a competition.  Just like a lot of men.  When that's not the case.  And part of that is that when you are transgendered.  Whether you are a female living as a male or a male living as a female one of the things you end up not doing is competing.  Because you end up really celebrating what you are.  Because if you don't you will hate what you are.  And that's just generally never very much fun.  So the smart people who are transgendered never look at how or what they are as a form of competition.  They look at it as a form of celebration.  Celebrating who them what they are.  Which then of course means that they generally don't have very many friends's.  He goes the world is all about competition.  All about someone having to be that are than the other person.  Females compete with each other as viciously as any competition you could ever imagine.  They do it with their makeup their hair what they wear what they buy.  They do it in so many different ways.  They actually compete with themselves far more than men.  However, men definitely compete with each other all the time.

And that's another aspect that makes people in general have a hard time dealing with anyone who is transgendered.  Because we don't compete with anything we don't even compete with ourselves.  Because life to us is simply more of a celebration where we celebrate ourselves and celebrate our lives.  Which never makes much sense to a world that is full of competition.

The wars we are fighting right now are over competition.  The entire right wing extremist movement in the United States is based on competition their way being better than anyone else's.  All through America.  There are whole highways of competition.  Political contests are competition between ideas the right versus the left and the left versus the right.  There is competition, informationally between different news services.  Everywhere you look competition one group or one aspect or one person trying to desperately be better than the other.  And then there are those of us who are transgendered.  And those of us who are artists.  And those of us who are craftsmen or professional people.  And we don't compete with anyone.  Because we look at our lives as celebration's.  And most of the world doesn't understand us.  So they choose not to see anything they don't want to.

So consequently I have no idea why I chose to listen to for the injuring the last night and then why of all movies I would watch this morning I would watch Ella enchanted.  I mean, I know what that song or hearing that son goes to me emotionally.  It brings up all those feeling where for years I was desperate to find someone who I could love someone who I could love with all of my soul.  And in the midst of some of the darkest moments in my life.  On November 24 when I was about to do some thing that was irreversible.  At the very moment I was about to take that action.  The phone rang and it was Aileen.  And suddenly got decided that I should have someone to love.

And then my darling got sick.  And then she died.

So listening to that song is probably the last thing I need to do.  The last thing I should.  At least until I have someone in my life who I can love again.  But that probably will not happen.  It took me 40 years.  Not only to find Aileen.  But to have the courage to even talk to her.  And at this point in my life.  I don't have another 40 years.  Not unless I live to be 100 and as impossible as it sounds.  You just never know.  Because I might actually lived to be that old.  God for bid.

So I had another flashback.  That's why watching this really cool British film.  Because that was something that I gained from Aileen.  And appreciation for British humor.  I always identified with Monty Python before I ever met Aileen.  But those 18 wonderful years gave me so much.  And so there are certain British comedies we used to watch together that I still can't watch alone.  They are like Finian's rainbow.  They are triggers that bring up all sorts of very painful memories.  So I can't watch those at least I can't do so alone.

And this time of the year is definitely the most strenuous.  It's the most difficult time of the year for me.  But so what?  Every minute 30 children are starving to death.  Every minute 30 more children are being killed.  Every 30 seconds in the United States alone.  One of my sisters is being beaten to death or being raped are being killed.  And the best that the United States can do is to pass laws to restrict the behavior because the United States doesn't have the strength of soul to change the behavior so the best that the United States can do is to restrict the behavior which basically does nothing.  So every 30 seconds.  Another one of my sisters ends up falling to the ground.  Usually with no one there to pick her up or to hold her in their arms their life has been destroyed and they are in so much pain that most people won't even notice.

So with all that what I'm going through hardly matters.  Which is why the only place I talk about any of those darker emotions those painful feelings is here in my Journal.  Because that if someone starts reading a Journal entry and they don't really have very much sensitivity or compassion.  They won't read very far into the Journal entry, or they will read and see only what they want.  So I'm pretty safe at talking about everything here because the only people who will really pay attention are the people who really do have compassion.  The people who really do understand.  And to the magic of life itself.  I can feel every one.  And it sustains me.

Aileen was a really amazingly lady.  Because she never competed with anyone, especially with regard to her femininity.  Because we were not just husband-and-wife we were not just man and wife.  We weren't just lovers and friends.  We were sisters.  Believe it or not we were girlfriend believe that are not as uncomfortable as it may make some people feel that's exactly what we were.  And the remarkable thing is that from my waist to my shoulders the size of my upper trunk.  Meaning the size of my upper body excluding my arms is exactly the same size as Aileen was.  And, Aileen and I discovered that if I had never had my operation and if I had not had to that she and I would've then almost the exact same size.  And we thought that was remarkable.  So we ended up doing what sisters do what girlfriends to.  We shared clothes.  We shared everything.  So our marriage was not just American.  It was so much more.  The love we have is just love by conventional terms.  It's so much more.  Which is why the loss is so much more.

It's not just the loss of my wife.  It's the loss of my lover, my friend.  My girlfriend my sister.  It's the loss of that which completes me and always did.  Which is why a lot of people who are truly conventional or what I call flat minded in their thinking really can understand the level of loss I feel and why this time of year is so hard.  They just can understand nor do they even give a damn.  And that's okay.  Because in a world filled with so many children dropping dead being killed.  Every minute and in the world where one of my sisters every 30 seconds is having her life destroyed, what I'm going through hardly matters.  And it should exactly be that way.  Because it would be an insult if I put any real significance on what I'm going through next to my sisters are dealing with every 30 seconds.  It would insulting to what they are having to deal with.  Most of the world will look at domestic violence and only see certain things.  But when you are a transgendered female like me and you look at domestic violence.  You see so much more you feel so much more.  Because I can feel every blow that my sisters feel I can feel them falling to the ground.  And it's a kind of pain inside of me.  Because I can't be there to catch them.  I can't be there to hold them in my arm until that it's really going to be okay that no matter what.  It will be no K and that they must never diminished themselves.  Because God never diminished them.  It was only God's creations who did that.

So my stuff doesn't matter much.  And that's exactly the way it should be.  Because after all, I am a human rights advocate.  I am one of the millions and millions of voices and this world.  Where what we write and will we say is a reflection of millions of children who are dying every minute millions and millions of women who are being so destroyed that it takes every ounce of their strength.  Just open their eyes.  People don't think that opening your eyes is really that hard.  Because we do it all the time.  And yet the reality is that when you have been or are a domestic violence survivor opening your eyes is actually one of the hardest things you can do.  Because opening your eyes means you will believe in yourself and believe in life.  And when you have been battered down to the point where you are lying on the ground almost completely destroyed either because you have been raped or beaten opening your eyes becomes one of the hardest things in the world.  He good as you are terrified to do so.  Because you are so used to seeing someone coming at beating on you and kicking into the ground that you keep your eyes closed.  Because you don't believe that if you open your eyes to see anything different.  And you and beaten down so low that you just don't want to open your eyes ever again.

So in a world where most people will are caught up in all sorts of competition.  Most people will very hardly at all have any degree of real understanding for what I am or how I live my life.  Because they will look at me and see exactly what they want.  Not what I am.  But what they want.  What they want to see and believe what they want to believe rather than having an open mind opened enough to be able to see me for what I am.

And then there are others like most of you who read my Journal men and women who celebrate your lives who believe like I do that competition is really dumb.  Because it's much better to celebrate life rather than to compete with life.  So we don't and you see me for exact what I am.  And I can feel that.  And as I said, it sustains me.  So you know I'm here would just my house and the cats.  I'm not really alone.  Because I can feel all of you wonderful ladies that brilliant maternal and sisterly kindness that compassion.  I can feel it.  And it's one of the nicest feelings in the world.  Just like I can feel from all of you men who I consider my brothers.  I can feel your hand on my shoulder.  I can feel you smiling.  It's all I need.  It keeps me going.  Believe it or not.  It keeps me going.

So you can bet your bottom dollar I'm not going to be watching pinions rainbow anytime soon.  Again.  That's why it's their in my DirecTV DVR because it's from 1968 when it all happened.  And I can't even remember when it was that I saw the film.  And I don't even want to try.  Because I'm terrified of learning when I actually saw that film I really am.  I'm terrified of knowing when I saw the film.  Because I'm terrified of what memories, it may be associated with so I don't want to know when I saw that film.  It's just important enough to know that I saw it in 1968.  So, whether I saw it before I was operated on or whether it was afterward that I don't want to know.  It's just import enough that I have it in the list of films in my direct TV DVR.  So that as I'm looking at the titles of what to watch when I go to sleep.  I will see that title and I will remember that that particular movie is from when it all happened.  And that's all I need.  I don't need to know when I don't need to know why.  Because knowing those things would mean that I would have the courage to remember what actually happened.  And for some reason all of that, or most of it has been wiped out.  And Dr. Gottesman and I have never felt it was a good idea to try and pry those memories to the surface.  We have always thought that would be the worst possible thing to do.  So we don't.

But it's like I told you.  When you lose perhaps a few hours or perhaps a week or a month of your life to hysterical amnesia.  That's one thing.  But when you lose a huge section of years.  That's something altogether different.  Not because anyone says that it is.  But because in reality it truly is different.  Because the disruption that happens when you lose a few hours or a few weeks of time is quite significant to the psyche.  But when you lose whole sections of years that produces a level of disruption in the psyche that it's hard to describe.  Because it really pretty much makes a mess of things.  And so of you have any sanity you end up developing a sense of humor.  Because if you don't you get really depressed about it.  And then nothing is fun.  So you end up looking for things that will be enjoyable things that will give you some degree of fun.  Because you are living in a world of complete mental anguish, where everywhere you look nothing is fun.  Everything is painful.  So you end up looking for anything you can find that will be fun as long as it won't hurt anyone, including yourself.  You just look for anything them to be fun.  And most of the world will never understand.  Because most of the world can't even see the pain you are having.

Which is why most of the world will look at domestic violence survivors and they will see exactly what they want to see.  And then they will see nothing else.  But I'm a rape the.  I am a rape survivor and I'm transgendered.  I am more female than male.  So I look at domestic violence survivors I sisters.  I see a lot more.  I see a lot more than most people do.  Because I know how hard it is for them to open their eyes.  Because I've gone through exactly the same thing in my own life.  And because I am more female than male.  I understand so much more of the pain they have.

Which means that as I write as a human rights advocate.  I can be more effective as a voice for them when they have trouble speaking, when they have trouble talking when they are so filled with pain and suffering that sometimes they feel almost paralyzed.  And my attitude is.  Not on my watch.  Hell no.  Not why I still have air in my lungs.  Even though I can be there to hold them in my arm's and whisper in their ear that it's okay to edit really will be okay.  I at least can do so in my Journal.  And if God is willing some of these amazing, ladies might actually read some thing I ever one of my fellow advocates might write.  And when she does she will feel our arms around her, even though we are not there.  And she will hear us whispering in her ear softly, holding her in our arms and we will tell her and she will hear us say, it's okay.  Really believe me, with all my heart.  It is okay.  And it will be okay just believe that no matter what.  Because we are here.  So you don't have to be alone.  And you don't have to be afraid because we are right here.  And we will always be right here by your side as long as you want us to.  We will be right here.  So open your eyes and believe.  Please for the love of God.  Please open your eyes and believe.  Because God made you and God doesn't make junk.

And so like I said most people will look at me and see exactly what they want.  But not what is the reality.  And that's fine.  That's why to share any pictures of my den.  Because I was afraid.  I was afraid to do so.  I was afraid of all the judgments people would make because my den doesn't look like a man's then because it's not.  Because I'm more female than male and yet those people will never get that.  Including people who have known me in the past.  They will just never understand that.  Because they are so dedicated to look at life as a competition.  And it's only those of us who don't who, when they look at my den.  They will see the reality of what it really is.  It's not just where I sleep in this chair.  It's where everything in my life happened's.  And because I'm a transgendered female whether I put myself together or not.  My den is not decidedly male not at all.  Because I'm not decidedly male.  I'm more female than male and I always have been.  And the number of women.  I've encountered in my life who had trouble understanding that is just too numerous for me to try and list all of them.  Because there were just too many because most women don't see me as what I am they see me as what they want to see.  Just like most men do the same.

And because there is so much suffering in this neighborhood will struggling in so many different ways.  That's why I'm no longer transgendered.  Because it's for the higher good.  These people are struggling so desperately a lot of them are dying.  A lot of them have terrible addictions they are dealing with.  Some of them live extremely violent and rather not so nice lives.  So the last thing they need is to see something that is going to make the money comfortable when they are already extremely uncomfortable, so it is the better part of valor so that when I'm out they see exactly what they think they should see.  An old man walking down the street.  And by seeing that I then have a greater opportunity to do some really cool things for them.  Sometimes it's just saying hello.  Sometimes it's sharing a cigarette or stopping them having a cup of coffee with them, or even just walking with them for a few blocks.  But most of the time it's because out of all the people in this neighborhood.  I'm one of the few who never asks for anything.  And it definitely catches them off guard, which gives me the ability to get closer and be more of a friend to them.  Because they are in a lot of pain and most of them have a really hard time figuring out how to with that pain.  Which is where people like me come in.  Because people like me can then be a friend.  To be a friend in need.

And you can bet your bottom dollar that God and I have a lot of conversations about why I am a transgendered female and whether I thought it was a really good idea for God to build me that way.  But that's okay.  God has his reasons.  So that's the way it is.

Which is why I enjoy what they call, chick flicks a lot that are then I enjoy all of the bombs in the macho fighting movies with all the blood in the Gore.  I just don't enjoy that stuff.  Not only does it seem really dumb.  But it doesn't really celebrate the craft of theater.  That's why the movie Finian's rainbow is so amazing.  Because when you are watching Fred Astaire in that movie you are watching him just three months before he died.  And yet when you watch what he does in that movie, knowing that if you have any kind of sensitivity to art it stops you in your tracks.  Three months before he died he is doing all the stuff in that movie himself.  And then suddenly the movie just isn't a movie.  It's something that's really amazing.  Because three months before this man died.  He was doing things that just defy explanation.  And at one point in the beginning of the movie, he and to a Clark are actually doing step dancing.  And the most amazing thing is when you notice and you watch out to a Clark is how she relates to him, you can see how truly gentle she is with him.  And when you see that again.  If you have any sensitivity.  It just stops you in your tracks.  Because she is so careful with him.  Every movement.  Every gesticulation every step.  The way she reaches to his hand.  You can see it.  When she first takes his hand, her hand moves so gently.  Because she knows how Fraley is.  That's what most people don't see when they look at the film.  And then there are others who see exactly that.  And you know exactly what I mean.  When the male lead in the film reaches to shake hands with Fred Astaire in the movie, and they slapped hands, you can see that the male lead does not move his hand at all.  He allows Fred Astaire to slap his hand.  And you if you are paying attention, and you watch the male lead and you watch where he is looking no matter how good an actor he is.  He's looking at Fred Astaire's hand because he's concerned.

That's a part of theater that goes way beyond just acting.  It's just like in the movie beyond Borders with Angelina Jolie.  Now in this movie Angelina Jolie plays a human rights activist.  And she's actually going to go to one of the refugee camps to begin helping out.  And the most amazing thing about this movie is that while it is a really tough movie emotionally to watch.  There is one single scene in the movie that is in my way of thinking.  The most incredible scene I have ever seen in film.  She is in this truck driving with this other human rights activists who actually is the male lead in the film, and they are driving along this road that is basically desert.  And off in the distance there is this woman, half lying in the desert and she's dying.  Now here is the amazing thing.

As Angelina Jolie walks up to that lady, she is totally and completely in character.  But the moment she picks up that lady and hold her in her arms.  And you have to look at Angelina Jolie's face.  You have to look at her face.  Because the moment she picks up that lady in her arms, she is no longer in character.  The moment she has that lady in her arms, she is not in character.  She is herself.  You can see it in her face.  And as she is carrying that lady and her arms.  She is not in character you are seeing the real Angelina Jolie.  You are seeing the absolute highest form of humanity.  And it only happens for a matter of a few seconds.  And then she's right back in character.  But in that one single scene at that one moment when she picks up that lady in her arms, you can see the change in her face.

When Aileen and I saw that together we just started crying.  Because to us.  It was one of the most beautiful acts of humanity.  We had ever seen.

That's why when I look at movies.  I just don't look at the story.  I look at everything.  But then I'm a writer.  So naturally I see a lot more.  But with Finian's rainbow you need to look at the things you don't normally look at.  And then you need to realize absolutely in every part of your brain.  You need to realize that three months after that movie came out the brilliant absolutely amazing.  Fred Astaire died.  So what you are seeing is his brilliance.  His absolute incredible craft.  With whatever he has left inside of him.  Then you need to watch.  Watch how Petula Clark relates to him.  And when you do.  And you watch her movements around him, you will see so much more.  And if you are like me.  It'll bring you right to your knees.

So is another tough day in the neighborhood.  I haven't even looked at my email yet.  God for bid.  I may not be able to do so today.  I'm hoping I will but I may not be able to.  Last night was bad.  I wasn't prepared for that.  So I may not be able to do any email today.  I didn't count on having the kind of night.  I had last night.  But that's okay.  That's what happens.  Some days you do well and other days you up into trees or you fall on your face.  And then slowly you get back up.  And you try to keep going.  So maybe I will be able to do some email eventually today I would like to.  But it's still just a bit too soon.  There's just too much pain.  And I just have to rest for a while longer.  It's just too hard.  It's not hard to move forward or to keep going.  It's just too hard to look at all of the said this in the world.  When I have the kind of memories I had last night.  It's just going to take a little time.  And I'm sorry.  I apologize to my fellow advocates and activists.  I'm sorry.  I know I should be better.  And I'm sorry.  It's not my fault.  I mean, it's not my fault that the operation happen.  It wasn't my fault.  I didn't do anything to make all of that happened.  So many people all my life have blamed me for being a hunchback like I did something wrong to make all that happened when I didn't.  My mother and father blamed me saying that the operation convinced them that I was really just a bad investment.  That's exactly what they said.  During the summer after my operation.  They said that a lot that I was a bad investment.  Because my mother constantly complain all summer about how much the operation had cost them.  Even though insurance paid for most of it.  She just kept complaining about how much money it cost her.  To the point where a kind of rage built inside of me where I went out to the practice rain at Oakwood club and for almost 8 or nine hours every day.  I would stand there without moving and do nothing but hit one God.  All after another just constantly hitting one all after another, taking out all of my Journal.  I rate and how anyone could blame me for the operation how anyone could complain and how much it cost when I didn't even know if I was going to survive.  But they didn't talk about that at home all they talked about was how much money it had cost them.  Which made me want to get back to Tucson as fast as I could.  Because I certainly didn't want to be there in Cleveland with my mother and father.  After all, they were complaining that I was now a bad investment.  Because I had cost him so much money.  Because I became a hunchback.  My own mother and father were looking at me like I was a at investment.  That sure the hell did a lot for my self-esteem.

That's why at my age now having lost Aileen.  Most of my family, not even having a clue as to what I'm about.  Not even being able to remember any of my friend's not being able to remember most of what happened in the most critical time of my entire life that I don't think there's much more that I can lose.  There's nothing that anyone can do that will ever hurt me.  Not anymore.  There's nothing you can ever equal the pain that I live with.  And because I am a human rights advocate talking about that pain is totally inappropriate.  Because I'm reading reports of people who are in many cases going to be dead by tonight.

So I have to have a certain amount of stamina to do that.  It's a lot different than simply going outside to cut the grass or paint the house, or walking to the store that requires physical stamina and then I generally don't have any problem with.  I've got lots of physical stamina.  I always have.  It's the emotional stamina that is hard.  Because you get beaten down so low that sometimes you end up not wanting to even try anymore.  But I promised, Aileen.  I would keep going.  And I promised all of you I would do the same.  So I will.  It's just I didn't expect to have those memories like I did last night.  And maybe it's my own fault because I watched that movie.  And I don't know why I did.  Maybe it was Aileen from the other side nudging me telling me I should telling me may be she wanted me to share those memories I have no idea why she would ever say that.  But maybe I do.  Because that was Aileen.  That is, Aileen.  She always knew how to bring out the best in my craft.

We would be talking about something.  And I would say, will I can't write about that right now.  And she would say, of course, you can't at least not now.  And I would say what you mean?  And she would say well you see, Mickey, you are a writer.  So of I present something to you.  You are not the kind of writer that will suddenly take it and run with it right off the bat you are the kind of writer that takes it and puts inside their brain and then when you figure out the right time and way you bring it out.  And I would say, well, that's what I like about you.  You are a devious.  And then we would laugh.

So maybe she was nudging me from the other side to watch that movie because she knew that I would have those memories.  God only knows why.  I don't think remembering that stuff does any good at all.  Because most people have no idea.  And a lot of people don't even care.  People look at me and see so many things and yet hardly anyone, except for those of you are my regular readers are those who are now becoming my regular reader you see something different.  And you don't know.  Or maybe you do, how you are a rock in the water.  Because because you are you really are.  You are not here where I can put my arms around you or where I can lean on you, but you are definitely a rock in the water.  You paragraph so I'm sorry that I'm not better today.  I really am.  This kind of stuff only gets me for a couple of days ago.  I somehow or other pull out of it.  And I will.  I promise.  It doesn't generally get you for more than a couple of days.

This is the kind of time when I actually do a different kind of meditation.  It's more of the customary kind.  It's just a bit deeper.  It's sort of like house cleaning.  Where I go as deep as I possibly can.  And as I do.  It's like I'm able to walk up and down the hallways of this really big warehouse I have in my brain and sort of put things back on the shelves.  I can't do that right now.  But perhaps in a few hours.  I might even take a nap to the movie, a fantastic voyage.  Because I have a copy of that on Netflix.  And as I've said that's one of the most important movies in my life.  Because the very last thing I remember, as I was passing out on October 1, 1968 was I could hear David I could hear him telling me.  It's okay.  Really.  It really is okay.

So I will be better.  Please just give me a little time.  I'm sorry.  I did say during July.  That this time of the year was the toughest and I have said that all along.  Because it is.  Maybe I will watch the movie, Pirates of Penzance.  I mean it's an amazing film.  Linda Ronstadt in that movie is absolutely unbelievable.  I mean, she's absolutely incredible.  It is a brilliant opera.  Or let's say operetta.  But it's more of an opera.  And it is brilliant.  I mean, if the entertainment community had not had a problem with Linda's stature meaning or physical appearance.  Believe me, she would be doing opera all over the world right now.

So maybe that's what I need.  I will figure out something.  And I will get more grounded.  I will put myself back together.  It just takes a little time.  And I'm sorry.  I wish I could do better.  But please know I'm doing the best I can.  I mean, I'm really trying.  And I'm sorry that I'm not better.  But I will be.  Maybe this afternoon or tomorrow morning.  But I will be better.  I just wasn't prepared for what watching them moving was going to do.  I keep thinking I have those memories locked away in a special room in my heart special room in my soul.  So that I don't talk about those things because there is no point.  Most people don't even care.  But you all do.  And like I said, you are a rock in the water and thank God for that.

So please bear with me.  I will be better.  I just need a little time.  I'm sorry I know there is so much suffering that I really have no right actually do you and talk about my own that's just being selfish.  I know that it's not a fair to these other people who are suffering so much worse.  I understand that.  And I'm sorry so I will regain my focus it may take just a few hours.  But I will keep going and I'm very sorry for stumbling.  Like I am.  God knows the world doesn't need another so I have never looked at myself that way I am a survivor and what I survived doesn't much matter.  Hardly anyone believes it ever in the ones who do never say anything.  Because they don't have to live their thoughts and their emotions they send all that energy right to me.  And as my legs get week I can feel them next to me so that I don't fall to the ground.  And so I become more steady and I keep going forward.  So I will it's just going to take a little time.

I'm so sorry.

When you look at each other today, take a second look.  When you walk by someone on the street don't just see what you want to see take a second look.  Please for the love of God.  Please take a second look.  It might just you smiling are saying hello.  It can be anything very slight.  Because it only takes one word to save someone's life.  One single word.  And it's never the same.  So when you look at each other today, take a second look.  Please.

And as I said I'm very sorry.  But I will do better.  I just need a little time.

Checking My Pulse

3:32 AM, EDT:

Personal:

As I said in my previous entry watching journey to the center of the earth, was exactly the right thing to do because it put my perspective back where I needed it to be.  And I was right.  I took a look at the date of finance, rainbow and it was 1968.  And I have no I hear at all.  And I don't think it's a good idea to try and find out.  What time of the year.  I saw the movie.  I don't know if I saw it before I went into the hospital or if I saw it after I was already in the Ward.  But for some reason why I watch that film all those memories or at least a certain amount of memories from the Ward come back to me in highly disorganized ways.  Such as exactly what happened in the previous Journal entry.  So there's something connected with that film.  And whatever the connection is what I watch that film.  It brings up all these memories that I can't remember.  But all these impressions of what happened in the Ward.  And it brings the month in a very disorganized way.

So as I said, that's one of the reasons I keep the film in my DirecTV DVR.  Because it is a marker of that year, that very extremely important year of my life, which changed my life irrevocably.  I mean, my life changed in every possible way.

Now having gone through this before.  Because obviously, while Aileen was alive she and I watched this film.  A number of times.  So having gone through this before I know how to put my psyche back where it needs to be.  Which is why last night I said well earlier this morning I said that what I would do would be that I would watch journey to the center of the years, which was made in 1959.  And again, I don't know when it was made of the fact is that it was made when I was tolerably about eight years old.  Which means it was made prior to my being attacked in Cleveland Heights, where I ended up partially crippled in my left leg.  And where I had to have the right side of my face read built.  Because of the hatred that the Jews and the Catholics and Christians had for me.  And as I said the other children.  I was going to school with at Fairfax school a lot of them hated me because the Catholic and Christian children hated me because my father was Jewish.  And a lot of the Jewish children hated me because my mother was Catholic.

So in my biographical profile.  There is a document that was generated in 1965 when I was basically just turning 15 where it was discovered that not only did my face strike the pavement during the attack when I was 12 years old.  But that also my left knee struck the curb, whereby as a result, my knee ended up with damage to the bone and the cartilage.  But because my parents were more concerned with my appearance physically than they were with my left knee.  They spent about $50,000 to have the right side of my face rebuilt.  This was because they belonged to open would club at the time and they were also in the blue book or the social register of Cleveland.  So they didn't want to have their son having a scarred face.  That when it was discovered in 1965 that my knee had also been damaged.  It was going to cost almost 3 times as much as it cost to fix my face and my parents basically decided that I wasn't worth it.

In any event, journey to the center of the earth, the movie, goes back to when I was eight years old turning nine.  So it was back before that attack.  And consequently, it is what I call a safe marker.  Meaning that it doesn't have any real the difficult memories associated with the movie.  Additionally, as I've explained because of the nature of the film.  It's a very much similar to how the subconscious works as you are going to sleep.  So it's a very good backdrop as you're going to sleep in order to let your subconscious work without being bombarded with any kind of conflicting or confusing information.  Because it's very much similar to how the subconscious works.

And it definitely did work.  Not only that, as a result of my subconscious being able to get some grounding I came out with a really pretty cool idea.

When I'm working I like to have my screen sort of separated.  Because I'm using one of these longer horizontal screens.  As you can see in the picture of my den.  I like to have my security cameras on one side of the screen.  Plus, plus, at least so far, my TV program in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen so that I can watch TV you all I'm working which helps me to maintain a certain degree of emotional distance from some of the stuff I have to write about.  It's just a tool.

But because I don't want to bombard my psyche with lots of commercial advertising while I'm working, nor in any other time.  I generally just watch movies.  So I was wondering since I have both Internet Explorer and Firefox being active on my system, but with Firefox being the default browser.  I wondered what would happen if I were to set up Internet Explorer in such a way so that the home page in Internet Explorer would in fact be my Netflix homepage.  And then I wondered if I could actually reduce Internet Explorer small enough so that it would fit fairly well into the bottom right-hand portion of the screen.

And believe it or not it works.  Now this is really cool because it means I can watch a lot of the really good films on Netflix, which I really enjoy while I'm working.  With no commercials.  And a lot of the TV series.  I enjoy.  While I'm working.  In order to gain the emotional and psychological distance I need from some of the stuff I have to write about.  Which are really difficult issues.  And I can do that.  Because I can watch some of these really cool films on Netflix.  For example, right now I'm watching Ella enchanted.  Now the reason I like this film.  Not only from the fact that it's a really cool girls story.  Is because of two pieces of music in the film.  The first one where she's singing in the bar, I need somebody to love.  And I mean, I will tell you, her rendition of that song in this film is just exquisite.  I mean, it is just great.  It's actually the part of the film that Aileen and I when we were watching it together enjoyed the most.  Her rendition of that song in the movie is chest completely write off the chart.  So that's one of the reasons I like the film.  The other is because of the song that his son at the end of the film, which is also just one of my favorites.

So now I can watch Netflix movies while I'm working.  Because I have set up Firefox.  So that it takes up three quarters of the screen, leaving the right-hand column for one of the two camera surveillance systems I have in my home.  Where these two cameras actually watch the front of the house and at the same time I can watch Netflix movies.  While I'm working.  As I said, this is a really cool idea.  This will work.  And it will make working on these petitions a lot easier.

Plus, I've decided I'm not going to work as many hours doing petitions.  Now that I'm basically caught up as I have in the past.  But I'm going to actually take some time to do what I really enjoy which is to look at Pinterest.  And also review some of the stuff that I have in my newsreader on Firefox.

System update:

Browsers….

So how I did this with Internet Explorer was that I went into the Internet options for Internet Explorer and first of all, I made sure that it would not ask to be the default browser when I would open it.  Then of course I set up Netflix as my home page.  Then I set up Internet Explorer so that while I would basically restore the window.  It would then be down to the size where it would fit in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.  So that it would basically be in the same position that my TV program would be in one of its selected modes of viewing.  So that way Internet Explorer is basically relegated on my system to being nothing more than simply a viewing program like a movie viewer.  With Firefox basically being the main browser.

And as I said, this is a really cool way of doing things.  Because then I get to watch all these really cool things on Netflix.  While at the same time, I'm work on my petitions.  And so forth on the other side of the screen.

Personal, (continued):

So it's a much better morning.  At least psychologically.  It's a much better morning.  As you can see from how I reacted to watching Finian's rainbow.  It's obvious that watching Finian's rainbow definitely rings up a lot of very negative and rather dark emotions.  Coming from the very year.  I was being told that I only had a matter of months to live.  And that I was basically going to die by Christmas of that year.  Meaning of 1968.  If they did not do the operation.  And that doing the operation would mean that I basically would only have about a 40% chance of being able to survive the operation.  Which is all true.  It's hard for people to realize how terrified I was.  I mean, I don't go out of my way to tell hardly anyone about that year.  I just don't tell him about anything at all.  I mean, I might tell them I was operated 1968.  For spinal fusion.  When they rebuilt.  But that's like a standard answer and I just leave it at that.  I don't tell anyone what I'm writing here.  I just don't think that's a good idea.  And I don't think it's appropriate and I don't think people need to know anything about that.  Because as I said, there is a lot of suffering in this world.  And under no circumstances do I want to add to any of that suffering.

If any good can come out of what happened in 1968.  I've always tried to find that goodness in what may have happened.  And of course there was a lot of amazing good as they came out.  One.  I survived.  And two, I came out wanting to alleviate whenever possible, to whatever degree, I was able to the suffering of other people.  So I don't really tell anybody about what I talk about last night.  Aileen was really the only one I ever shared any of those thoughts with.  But she is dead.  So I now share them here.  And some people will begin reading that Journal entry and then won't want to read anymore either because it's too tough for them to do so or because they basically don't really care.  And that's okay.  I don't expect everyone to care about what happened to me in 1968.  That would be highly egocentric and I'm not like that.  Definitely not like that.  I'm actually anything but.  I actually have a lot of self-esteem issues that I just don't talk about.  You they don't feel it's anyone's business.  I don't feel anyone has to know or needs to know about the kind of pain and suffering I go through.  Because again, there's a lot of people suffering in this world.  And I definitely don't want to add to any of their suffering so I don't.

And consequently, there will be those of you who will read that Journal entry and you will know exactly what to do.  Your emotions will guide you and your compassion will guide you and I will feel your love and your support.  And that's perfect.  That's all I need.  Your understanding and your support.  That's all I need.  Of course, it was horrible.  The experience in the Ward was absolutely one of the most horrific and painful experiences I ever went through in my entire life.  Because I have no idea if I was actually going to survive at all.  And then to make matters even more interesting for the rest of my life.  I would never know, whenever be able to go to sleep ever for the rest of my life and feel or have the confidence of knowing whether I would.  Because that's how I have had to live my life ever since.  It just goes with the territory.  And initially you are when you are in that kind of a situation fairly much destroyed by at or at least debilitated by it.  But then over time you develop a certain amount of stamina where you just sort of keep going.  One way or the other.  You just keep going.

And that's what I do.

In all likelihood because those memories did surface.  It will probably take me a few days to regain my composure to 1° or another.  Because those are really, really tough memories.  Those are some of the toughest memories I have.  And the memories of what happened in the Ward obviously because I ended up having a nervous break downs from what happened so right off the bat that pretty much says that the memories were really tough.  And they were.  They were horrible.  They were some of the toughest memories well, they are the toughest memories, except for watching my darling, Aileen die that I have.  Which is okay.  That's what life is.  It's not meant to be easy because if it were, then everybody would be having lots and lots of fun.  Which is not the case.  A lot of people are suffering all the time.  And if you read this Journal.  You know that's true because I write about a lot of their suffering every day.  And so do all of these wonderful and amazing men and women and young people, my fellow advocates and activists.  That's what we do.  We write about these extremely tough situation that people are going through where they basically have no hope, and they are scared out of their wits, and they don't know what to do.  Which is perfectly normal.  Because that's how life is.  It least in the current sociopolitical environment.  Maybe one day in the future.  Humanity will finally stop being so the addictive.  Lee cruel.  But right now it just doesn't seem like humanities very interested in that.  Because we have.  For example, all these anonymous services that people can use for the express purpose of ruining other people's lives.  Which is exactly what those services are for.  They are not meant to be kind.  They are not men to make people feel better.  Those services are used by people who are basically failures in the human condition.  Because they thrive on being sadistically cruel and mean and hateful but they don't want anyone to know that they really that way.  So what they do instead is they use these anonymous services so that they can lied to their friends about how they are really kind and caring people when in reality they are nothing more than failures in life.  They are social monsters.  They are social them tires where they enjoy tremendously ruining people's lives and hurting them as much is possible.  Because that's the kind of people use those services.  People who are honest and true and kind.  Don't generally use those services.  Because they don't have a problem letting other people know that they are kind and caring.  So that the only people who use those anonymous services are the social vampires the monsters in our world who don't give it damn about anyone except hurting them as much is possible.  And I don't want anyone to know that they are really mean and horrible people.  So they use those services so that no one will ever know that they are mean, horrible people.  So that everyone will think that they are really kind and wonderful people when in reality they are not.  They are basically monsters who use these anonymous services to hide so that no one will know what horrible monsters.  They really are.  And that's one of the reasons I don't like those services is it makes it all too easy for people to act like monsters to act like social vampires where they go and the beat up other people and they of views them, and they cause as much pain and suffering as a possibly can.  Which, as far as I'm concerned, means that if there is any way that I can be of assistance in a limiting those services so that they don't ever exist.  You can bet your bottom dollar I will do that.  Because I don't think any good whatsoever except provide a vehicle for us as human beings to act out that way.  Where we can act like social vampires hurting and causing as much pain to each other as possible.  And I find that absolutely reprehensible.  It's not anything as far as behavior that I would ever support.

So hopefully one day.  Those services will be outlawed because I really think that is absolutely the best thing that could happen.  Because those services don't do anything except cause pain to other people and they give certain types of people in our society the ability to do exactly that to hide and to be anonymous so that they can convince their friends that they are really nice and kind people, when in reality they use those services so that they can then hide behind those services so that no one will ever see what kind of monsters.  They really are.

So in real life.  Some of these people are engineers or they are computer programmers are they are lawyers or Dr. yours, or they are teachers, or they are instruction people are plumbers it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter what kind of person they are in real life.  They just don't want anyone in real life to know what ugly monsters and horrible examples of social vampires they really are, how they enjoyed bullying other people and belittling other people and the rating then taking them and making them feel like crap.  Because they really get enjoyment out of doing that but they don't want anyone to know who they are because they don't want anyone to find out about them because they want to keep everyone in their life, believing they are really trying to very compassionate people when reality they are nothing monsters and bullies who use these anonymous services to cause as much pain as possible to drive people to the point where they will kill themselves to drive people to the point where they will suffer and do horrible things to themselves because they get enjoyment out of seeing that happen.  And these anonymous services give them the means to do so.

Which means as far as I'm concerned, every one of these anonymous services and the people who are in fact owning those services need to be brought up on charges every single time one of their services ends up causing some terrible thing to happen.  Like a suicide or like a murder the owners of the services should be brought up on trial and they need to go to prison for having those services on the Internet.  And we as a society in this country should not even allow those services to exist because it means since we are allowing those services to exist that we don't care about being cruel and mean and that we actually get pleasure out of the sadistic and that's something as far as I'm concerned that we as Americans need to turn our act on.  We need to turn away from that kind of ugliness.  Because the only byproduct of that kind of ugliness is that someone gets hurt or someone dies.

And that's not being a good Christian.  It's not being a good American.  And it's not being a good human being.  And it's definitely not being a good Jew or a good Muslim or anything else.  It's being just what I said, a social monster.

The song, Somebody to love just came on in the movie. When I hear this song, tears come to my eyes. It reminds me of my darling Aileen. It reminds me of the joy of loving someone so much that your love becomes that light. That single light in your heart, and in your life. that, no matter what. No matter how dark things get, that one light, is all you need. it's that light in the night sky, where you look up. And there they are. Your true love. Your love. The other part of you. That which comepletes you. My Leen.

We all have that in our lives. Sometimes it's our partner. Other times it's our husband or our wife. Or our son, or our daughter. Sometimes it's a friend. But when you find that light. When it comes to your life. Your instincts take over, and you reach out. And you grab onto that light. And you never let it go.

So, when I hear this song, I remember my Leen. I remember how much I love her. I then remember that I promised her I wouild keep going. No matter what. That I would keep going. And then, I remembered I promised all of you, the same thing. And so, when I look up into the darkness of my life, the dark skies. I see my mom (my birth mother). I see my Leen. I see so many who I love, and who are now on the other side. And then.... Then I see you. My readers. My friends. Who I do not know very well. But who I can feel in my heart know me. And who, I know, that when I fall to the ground that last time, and I look up. I'll see all of you there. As my friends. And I'll know, that it was a good journey. It was a good thing I tried to do in my life. And that I can look at God and my heart and soul, and know I did do the best I could. And then I'll cross over. And there I'll see that little cabin. The smoke coming from the chimney. And I'll smell the tea in the open window. And I'll be walking. Not limping anymore. But walking and whistling... and then I'll see my Leen. And I'll finally be home....

That's why I love this movie. I reminds me of why I keep going. It reminds me of how much I love the people of htis world. And how much I love this world. How much I love my darling Aileen. My Leen. And how much I love all of you. And how grateful I am, and honored I am that you feel my writing is worthy of your wanting to read what I write.

It's an honor that I take so very seriously.  Please always know that.

But that's what I love this movie.  Ella enchanted.

And what I said about these anonymous services is exactly how I feel about those services.  And not because of anything that just happened only to me, but because I have seen in so many news articles over the years, people's lives literally eating ruined by monsters who use those services.  People who present themselves in public life as if they are nice and kind and compassionate well-meaning people when in reality they are nothing but cold blooded monsters.  And these services.  These anonymous services give them the opportunity to do exactly that.

So this idea of using Internet Explorer for a kind of movie viewer is perfect.

This is a tough section of the calendar year for me.  They can help but the.  I was watching her die right in front of me.  And there is nothing I could do.  So this time of the year is just tough.  But that's okay.  I've never been afraid of things that were hard.  I've always enjoyed things that were difficult because those are the things that generally where I learned a lot.

And today's weather is just going to be absolutely disgusting.  I mean, I looked at the weather map.  And there is a jagged can't fix storm heading right toward St. Louis, Missouri.  I mean, this is a really rather solid storm.  So.  So if you live in that section of the country.  I would definitely that down the hatches because that storm is heading right to you.  Be safe.  Please be safe.  Don't do anything risky.  Because the area around St. Louis is not what is known as tornado alley.  But it is definitely an area of the country geographically where storms can get pretty intense.

Here in Cleveland.  Well, we will see.  I'm glad I went out shopping yesterday because I certainly don't want to go out today.  And I will produce and air quality Journal entry.  As soon as I'm done with this one.  Because that's my plan.  I will just dig in and do the work.  And then I will take a break for a while and perhaps look at the news or perhaps take a short break or a nap.  Then I will come back and do more work.  I mean, it's Labor Day and everybody's doing various things like having cookouts and family events.  So here in this neighborhood.  I'd definitely stay to myself.  Because there are usually lots of families on the Street and I don't like to intrude.

I probably will put that Journal entry, if any, and rainbow into the section, my inner self probably up somewhere near the Journal entry of my fair Lady.  Where I talk about Aileen.  And I will probably do that later, sometime today.

But because it's sort of a holiday.  And because I had a rather tough night with those memories.  I very well may have something to eat.  And then I may go back and take another short nap.  Because I'm still feeling some kinds of reverberations sort of going on from talking about those memories.  And when you have PTSD.  That's the thing.  When memories that are really tough like that start coming to the surface when that happens, the best thing you can do is to simply lie down and take a short nap.  And then when you have done that you just go slowly.  You don't move fast you don't rush yourself.  You don't let anyone push you.  You just go slowly, so that you give your brain and your emotions enough time to be able to regroup and to settle.

It's a technique that I've learned over the years from dealing with PTSD, for almost 30 years.

Plus, I want to take my face down.

So I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.  Because now I've got Internet Explorer setup the way I want, so that everything is perfect.  So that's exactly what I will do is I am going to have some breakfast take my vitamin for the day.  And then I will take a short nap.  And then I will wake up and hit ground running.

I'll write later.

I send good energy and high hopes for happiness, good health, and all good things always to everyone.

Blessed be.

The mind is like a book.  Opened in much is learned.  Closed and nothing is learned.  (Nicole Maschke, 1994)